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The Parenting Podcast
The Parenting Podcast
The lie we all believe | Ep. 189
We start out believing there’s one right way to parent—that if we just do it well enough, our kids will turn out fine. But parenting keeps proving there isn’t a formula. Instead, it’s messy, humbling, and full of grace—for our kids and for ourselves.
We all start out trying to find it the right way to parent the method that makes it all turn out the way it's supposed to. But the truth is there's no formula for parenting. It's a messy growing, evolving relationship. Between messy growing, evolving people. I'm Cheryl Lang with the Parenting Podcast, and today we're talking about letting go of the myth of figuring it out.
Cheryl New:Hey Kyla, welcome back to TPP.
Kyla:Hi, Cheryl. Good to be here. And Christie. Hi. So fun to have you. All right,
Cheryl New:so, um, actually Kyla yesterday, Christie and I were with a friend all of us are empty nesters. We all have grown children and so we're seasoned. and we were talking about parenting And when we got talking some of the struggles of parenting and what we would do with it, and we kind of said. Actually, I think the big lie in parenting is we're gonna figure it out. Mm. And we're going to get that answer. Mm-hmm. That whatever 10,000 years of parenting hasn't figured out yet. And I just thought, you know, what lies did you bring into parenting? Mm-hmm. Or where did you struggle? How about if we just process that struggle we all have of. Looking for that answer. Yeah. Turning that corner, you know, figuring parenting out. So we're doing the right thing and our children don't struggle and they end up going into adulthood. Mm-hmm. Polished with no big problem without carrying
Christie:any of the baggage. Right. Of our messy parenting. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. For me, one of the things that I really, I, I dunno that I would've articulated this way if you would've asked me, but I was operating as though there was. One set way of parenting. Yep. And it was up to me to figure it out. Yep. And whatever it was, was going to make my kids perfect and happy and, you know, unscathed from life and it was going to make them like me. And I was just on this search for it.
Cheryl New:Christie, you just articulate exactly the way I thought Uhhuh. I think kind of everybody thinks that whatever, whatever their background mm-hmm. Uh, of childhood, you know, even like my parents, I felt loved as, as well as they knew how. Mm-hmm. And I had what would be definitely considered a safe, happy childhood. It was messy, but I ended up okay. And so I go, okay, I've got kind of a boost up here. Mm-hmm. Now I'm gonna figure it out and do it really well. Right. For all those reasons you just mentioned.
Kyla:Right. Uh, and just you saying that they'd like me before you said that, I hadn't really thought of that. That's a kind of been an underlying expectation. Kind of an expectation, not just the hope. I mean. But a lot of times they don't, especially when things are rough in their life. Uhhuh or having to, you know, give a consequence
Cheryl New:well, you know, you were in here, we're talking about boundaries, right? The problem is, if we did everything our children want, I can't even imagine what that would be. But if we could do everything the way they wanted it, particularly during the teen years mm-hmm. We might be more popular.
Christie:Well, we might for the moment. Yeah. But there are things that my adult kids have said, you should have never let me do that. Yeah. And so their future selves may not be a big fan of us, and so it really is. The truth to that lie is that. There's no cure all. There's no one fix. There's no method or big stamp of approval on parenting your kids because every kid is different. Every circumstance is different. What their future looks like is different. You are different than the mom next door. There's just not a one size fits all.
Cheryl New:Well, and why would we want the immaturity, self-focused selfishness? Uh, uh, pride and all of that of childhood. Mm-hmm. To dictate how we parent. Right.
Christie:Exactly.
Cheryl New:Because I'm not finished. I'm still work in progress, but I'm a whole lot more mature than they are.
Christie:I just had this thought occur to me that parenting, you know, say you're parenting a 7-year-old Yeah. As a people pleaser, and you're just. Doing everything to make them happy. That's the equivalent of going and finding some rev random 7-year-old and asking for parenting advice. That's
Cheryl New:true. That's what I was just saying. Why would I listen to them uhhuh? Because they're clearly. Only want what they want at that moment. And you know, you were saying different children, different things. So the introverted feelers in our family needed and wanted a certain kind of parent. Right. And the aggressive extrovert, uh. Rule breaker type person. They wanted
Cheryl New (2):something very different! I would've had to have been five different parents to five different people at the same time. Right. And through every whim and stage. No wonder we're exhausted when we're trying to do that.
Christie:Yeah. I remember because you just described my first two children, the opposites that they are, and I remember trying to parent my second child identically to how I had spent 2, 3, 4 years, my first child, and that was probably one of my earliest peak, that this might be a lie. I am believing. Wow. Oh, this child needs different things than the first child and they're receiving me in a much different way.
=:Mm-hmm.
Christie:And you know, 25 years later now Yeah. I'm realizing that is still true.
Kyla:Ugh. So you guys are saying it's good, normal and positive as a mature parent to be the decision maker, which will cause frustration and conflict and unpleasantness in your home. Yes. Yes.
Cheryl:we're
Cheryl New:So what we're doing is if we're doing the right thing, I mean the right thing for our children. Mm-hmm. And the mature thing, we're gonna make our job harder. Yeah. In the long, I mean, that really is it.
Christie (2):Yeah. The easy way out is just to give them everything they want.
Cheryl New (2):I came into parenting thinking my children wanted what I wanted out of life. Oh, that's good. And out of relationships. That's good. And so what I wanted was affection, warmth, positivity, um, pursuing me and, all that nurturing relationship, I was just really high in it. And I thought, oh, if I give that to my children, that will fill all of their cups. Mm-hmm. Okay. And it's a good thing to bring to parenting, right? But it's not at all, the whole everything. And it lacks. I didn't know. I'd have to tell'em no so much. Mm. I thought no would be something I only kind of pulled out. occasionally, I have to reach into the no. Mm-hmm.
=:I
Cheryl New:have to reach into the boundary and the hard line. I just thought, particularly going into teen years, I thought, oh, we're all so much more mature now. Right. That I wouldn't have to say it much Uhhuh. I thought I could just be the friend. Right?
Christie:Mm-hmm.
=:Mm-hmm.
Christie:Yeah. I think that was one for me too. You know,
=:my
Christie:great kids love'em to death, but I underestimated their, um, willingness to do wrong things. Mm-hmm. You know, whether it be not telling the truth about something or just working things out to their advantage, or maybe, you know, being the. The friend that didn't handle things appropriately or you know, just general things like that. I thought they would not do those things. I just thought they would be lovely all the time. Exactly. And let lie that I thought
Cheryl New:if I could be this. Loving, caring, genuine. Mm-hmm. It wasn't fake. I genuinely really love my children and I have a great relationship. They felt safe with me. Mm-hmm. All of that sort of stuff. I thought if I did all that, they wouldn't lie to me. Right. Yeah. You forgot they were actual
Kyla:humans. Yes. Well, I'm really processing that. My children may not want the same things as me. Oh. But that's really valuing who they are and letting them be authentically themselves with their personalities and bents and tendencies. But you're right, Cheryl, I think a lot of times I would say, well, I wouldn't have done that. You know? And then feeling what's wrong with how I parented, Yeah. Just
Christie:assuming that we're all the same inside, that we have the same motives. Yeah. Or love languages or, that's so narrow
Kyla:minded. But, uh. When you have, especially more than one kid, and different personalities, oh my goodness. You're really thrown for a loop.
Cheryl New (2):Well, and it's always changing. We always say here on the podcast. Everything is always changing, you know? You're one person and then you get married. Now we're two people and we have to deal with all that. Mm-hmm. Then you have a baby that's three people. Mm-hmm. You get a fourth and they're relating and each of you is relating, and as your family grows or a new age. Mm-hmm. We've never had a teenager before. We've never had whatever it is, all the dimensions, and to think that if we just. Curated it a little bit, whatever it is. Mm-hmm. It would fix it. Right.
Christie:I just thought I could fix it.
Kyla:Yeah, for sure.
Christie:Yeah. Well, and fix it says that I am right.
Cheryl New:Oh, that's true. You know, I
Christie:mean, I'm just thinking of what you just described with all the different variables in our kids' lives from really from, you know, maybe two years old when they first have their first influences of a, a playmate or a TV show or whatever. And then move on into the trajectory of the rest of their lives. There's a million variables.
=:Yeah.
Christie:And some of them are better than what I would choose. Yeah. Or you know, some of their personalities or gifts or opinions are actually now in my real time, real life are setting me straight on some things. Yeah. And so it takes humility to learn from our kids as they're growing and developing and you know, adult humans.
Kyla:Yeah. The ability to say, I'm, I'm wrong. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I apologize for that.
Cheryl New:Well, and what you just said, what incredible hubris is the word I think, which is putting pride into action that. I would think all my children should see life my way.
=:Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New:And walk with me and agree with me and want. Uh, everything I want instead of Sure. Flourishing as their own beautiful selves. Different ways. And you know what a boring picture. I'm looking at the wall here and it's real nice, but the decorations are all just shades of gray. Mm-hmm. And
Cheryl New (2):I don't want My family to be shades of gray. Mm-hmm. And if they all did things my way, we would just all be real nice shades of gray or all shades of pink in a nice, tidy, easy life.
Kyla:But how boring. Right.
Cheryl New:And it's not
Christie:reality, right? Yeah. Yeah. It's just. I wasn't steeped in reality. Right. And some of those different shades or variants can be painful and can be hard and and Stomaching, that is a little bit of an adjustment too, that there will be hard things in my kids' life that in the long run will make them even more beautiful of who they are becoming to be. Yes. Is through that hardship or through that challenge or through that? No, the sad thing that you wanted to protect them from,
Cheryl New:and this is so self revelatory, everything we're saying. I know. Welcome TPP to our counseling session and one of the things that I used to say, and now I say it to my grandchildren, is. Yeah. There's nothing you could do that would make me love you more and there's nothing you can do that would make me love you less. Mm-hmm. And see, as a people pleaser, I thought I could always do something, would make somebody love me more, right? Mm-hmm. Right. And then with our children, with all the variations. If it's only my way, then I'm saying, oh yeah, there's always something you could do that would make me love you more. Yeah. And instead of loving them for who they are and letting them flourish their way, whatever that is. Mm-hmm. Um, I'm so thankful to recognize that what I thought is a lie.
Christie:Yeah.
Cheryl New:And that they can be who they are created to be. Mm-hmm. Instead of who I'm curating them to be.
Kyla:Right. Hmm. And to realize too, in, in those seasons, those different shades, those different trials, they're not always going to like me. Yeah. And that's that. It's kind of a lie that I still struggle with
Christie:ing. Yeah, same. I mean, even now into adult kids, I, I do, I want them to like me. I want them to like all aspects of me. It's true. You know. I think that is hard to stomach. But even speaks to what you're saying, Cheryl, if, if I can come to terms with things that they might not like about me and I might not like about them. Mm-hmm. Like we just ha there's people in this world that. You wouldn't choose to be friends with or there's just something that rubs you wrong and that's love. Right. Loving your children in spite of those differences. Wow. Yeah, and they, they hopefully grow to a place of maturity that they can reciprocate that.
Kyla:That's good.
Cheryl New:There was some movie one time, and I have no idea what it was., And it said, well, I just can't love people in slices. Oh, I've
Christie:never heard that.
Cheryl New:Isn't that great? Mm-hmm.
Christie:Mm-hmm. Okay.
Cheryl New (2):Don't have to enjoy it all all the time. Mm-hmm.
Christie:Yeah. I can
Cheryl New:like parts of you, but I can't
Cheryl New (2):love
Cheryl New:parts of you,
Cheryl New (2):Uhhuh. We have to love the total package. Hmm. Oh, that's really, that's such a beautiful way to look at love. So if we can start walking with this and embrace them instead of the lie of what I am believing, that that's what they take into adulthood. then.
=:Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New:Rather than taking, oh, my mom did it all right. And oh, by the way, that's one of the lies I thought. Mm-hmm. That when they got to be adults, they would look back and go, wow, mom, you did it all right. You know? Yeah. Yeah.
Kyla:That's it. And then who could fill those shoes? Right. You know,
Christie:I mean, but that's our unspoken goal, right? Mm-hmm. Is the perfectionism. Yeah, and wanting to be the perfect parent for our own pride and for their sake. That's true.
Cheryl New:Then we would be saying, there's just one way kids. Mm-hmm. You have to do it my way. Mm. That's the only way to get perfect children, perfect parents. Right. Um, just so
Christie:many lies. I just had a conversation with my daughter who now has a daughter and we were talking about mothering and having that conversation about she is. Doing a lot of things very different than the way I did things, and just giving her affirmation that that is how it's meant to be. Yes. Like she can look at my mistakes and really she's not even responding to all mistakes. Just preferences. Yeah. In some ways of how to raise her daughter and. You know there are layers of that that rub my heart right now because I'm immature and prideful there are things that I'm like, Ooh, does that mean she disagrees with what I did there or does that mean, but when I can. Um, get my mind to a space that says, of course not. She is being her full self as a woman, as a mother. Wow. She is doing exactly what she's called to do for her child, and that means nothing of what I did right, wrong this, that, or the other. It's just the way it's supposed to be.
Kyla:And what? Maturity and conflict. That's the word. Like I said, it's spotty.
Cheryl New:Uhhuh, and I'm thinking about that relationship bridge, Uhhuh. Okay. Here our children are, they're stumbling through life and through parenting, through teen years. All of this, just like we did. Mm-hmm. And what a beautiful thing. That relationship bridge, you just said, Hey, I'm not putting rocks on it. Mm-hmm. You have to do it my way. No expectations on it. I love you. Yeah. I wanna support you and walk with you how safe she feels to walk across that bridge and be your friend to be in a relationship with you and not always feel defensive. Like, I offended
Kyla:mom. Yeah. Yeah. She's offended because. You know, I doing something different.
Christie:Well, when I look back, that was a lot of my parenting was out of insecurities of myself for sure. You know, like, oh, I don't want them to feel like I did as a teen, or I don't want them to experience life this way. Because that's how I feel and that is just operating out of my insecurity. I will tell you, when I think about my
Cheryl New:mom, she's of course been gone a while. I was shocked at what a great job she did accepting me because I did a whole lot of things different,
=:different
Cheryl New:choices. Mm-hmm. Than my parents did. Okay. And I felt so safe with her. I never felt like I had to defend it and say, now mom, I mean, I might talk about why I was doing it. Mm-hmm. But just like. That conversation you're having with your daughter, full safe walk back and forth across a six lane bridge. Mm-hmm. And I never felt like I was on the defensive about it. Oh, that's
Christie:so good.
Cheryl New:You know, even though it was very different from the choices and or preferences.
Christie:Yeah.
Cheryl New:That my parents did. She just said, you go for it, girl. You keep doing it. What a gift. It's amazing. It was beautiful. Built such confidence in me. Mm-hmm. As a young parent, as someone stumbling my way through life, and it laid groundwork for how I wanted to love my children. I love that. That's good. Yeah.
Kyla:Well, a lie. I think that's common that people believe, parents believe, that I have believed is that, uh, I would see their heart change, like, you know, that I would be able to see it. Hmm. Kind of quickly. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Instead of, I mean, I guess waiting sometimes years, decades, never,
Cheryl New:you know? I know. Mm-hmm. It's really hard.
Christie:Yeah. We can't make that fruit grow. Right. You know? And some of it is, um. You know, self-driven, that we just wanna see the results of our efforts. Yeah. But a lot of it is just the pain of knowing that they're suffering consequences. Yep. Mm-hmm. Based on where their heart is at. Right? Yeah. It's really hard.
Cheryl New:Yeah. And, but look at us combined age. Here we go over a hundred. Mm-hmm. Way over a hundred. And we're still saying, boy, we're just figuring life out all along here. You know, I've never been this old before. Right. And I'm saying I am discovering new things about life and myself and how to love others better all the time. Mm-hmm. What in the world that we think our children would get it fixed?
Christie:Right. If the tables were turned and they had the luxury or the liberty to speak into our lives, I'm sure they would recognize a lot of things they wished were different in our hearts. Yeah. Yes.
Kyla:Yeah.
Christie:And that's grace, right? It's extending grace to our kids to be where they're at on the spectrum of life and you know, maturity and change.
Christie (2):And The same for us. I mean, I know I need grace for my kids, so Wow. I've gotta, I've gotta give it.
Cheryl New:Mm, you're exactly right.'cause I was thinking,'cause we need to close, but I was thinking, so what really would've been the big tweak in all of it? Mm. You, you know, there's so many places that I could have changed, but to have grace in place. Mm-hmm. All directions. To myself. Myself, to myself. Yes. Not just to my children. It's a huge one because I just beat myself up all the time. Oh, I blew that. Mm-hmm. I blew that. Mm-hmm. I didn't say that right. Oh, I blew it. I blew it. Instead of realizing, oh, what I'm really role modeling for your children is go through life, giving yourself and other people grace to make mistakes to get up. You know, I loved it the other day somebody. Didn't put a lid on a expensive kitchen product, and someone picked it up and turned it, and the whole thing spilled all out. I loved it because I saw my daughter say, well, you know
Speaker:What's more important people or stuff, and all the grandkids said people
Cheryl New (2):so they're learning, That's grace. Yeah. And then my 3-year-old grandson just looked up and said, besides mom, only God's perfect. Aw. Yes. But that might be the title of our parenting book, Uhhuh. Oh, by the way, only God's Perfect. That's so good.
Cheryl New:So for me, when I think about operating in Grace, it's just forgiving myself. It's giving myself room to be imperfect, to realize there's gonna be messes, but that's normal. That doesn't mean it's wrong. Mm-hmm. And seeing exactly like that incident I just explained. There was more grace being poured out than there was that expensive thing.
=:Yeah. That was
Cheryl New:bought to last for a long time. Right. Okay. Just as that. Mm-hmm. Every person had the right to fail. Right. And it was safe and it
Christie:was just stuff. And like you said a minute ago that quote we don't love people in slices. That's right. We are not loved in slices. No,, we can know that we are worthy of love. The whole package. The warts, the flaws, the strengths, the weaknesses. We don't have to just live off of the identity of our wins
Cheryl New:you know? And I actually have tears in my eyes right now'cause I didn't know that when I was young.
=:Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New:And I didn't do that. I loved myself in slices. Mm-hmm. If I was doing the right thing and it was working well and I responded to my children and I made the right choices, and I came back and apologized well, and da da da, da da, da da. Mm-hmm. I would allow that slice. Mm-hmm. But I was really cruel mm-hmm. To myself when I didn't do it all right. Yeah. So I guess that's where I would end up. Combat those lies with grace. Yeah. That's what we need. Right, right, right. Wow, that's great. Thank you all. Thanks for having us. So parents, hang in there. Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
Speaker 3:Maybe what brings the most peace in parenting is realizing we were never meant to get it all figured out. There's no formula, no finish line, no version of perfect that makes it all turn outright and yet. That's where the freedom begins. When we just stop chasing certainty, we can start paying closer attention to the relationship to our children and to the work already being done in us. Parenting becomes less about managing outcomes and more about showing up with love, even when it's messy or hard. So this week, give yourself permission to be in process. Let your kids see what grace looks like when it's lived out, not just talked about through the way we keep connecting, listening, forgiving. And trying again. Hey, thanks for joining us today. You can reach out anytime. contact@theparentingpodcast.com or through our socials. See you next time.
