Christie’s Story: When Parenting Stops Being a Plan | Ep. 190

What happens when all your good intentions meet real life? Christie opens up about raising four daughters and learning that parenting isn’t about perfect plans—it’s about seeing the child in front of you.

Transcript

Christie 0:00

And it was kind of then that I started realizing, oh, these children are unique individuals

Speaker 0:09

You are listening to the Parenting podcast. And I am Cheryl Lang. Today I'm turning the mic towards my friend and co-host Christie, to trace her story from a 19-year-old new mom to a woman raising four daughters close in age, wildly different in personality. We talk about those early years, what she learned in the mess, and how parenting changes. When you start seeing your kids for who they actually are, so pull up a chair and listen when Christie opens up about what it really looks like to raise four very different hearts under one roof.

Cheryl New (2) 1:03

Well, Christie, here we are in our fifth year on the podcast.

Christie 1:08

oh my word, fifth year,

Cheryl New (2) 1:10

And So our regular listeners, have heard you and me process. So many things. Mm-hmm.

Cheryl New 1:15

A gamut of everything. And one of the things we want to do is be real about our real lives. Instead of saying, oh, here's the nice perfect way.

Christie 1:24

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl New 1:24

That we fixed everything. Instead we kind of just dump it out here on the table.

Christie 1:28

Right.

Cheryl New 1:29

And kind of sort through it and say, well, I blew that, but here's something I learned out of it. Right,

Christie 1:34

right.

Cheryl New 1:35

Okay. So what I'd like to do today, instead of us processing something else, I thought it would be fun. To interview you.

Christie 1:44

Fun. Okay.

Cheryl New 1:46

I mean,'cause we have so many different people, Michelle, Kyla. Mm-hmm. Maddie. We have these different people come in and we talk and listen to their lives. So I thought it'd be fun just to focus on you a little bit.

Christie 1:57

Yeah.

Cheryl New 1:57

Okay.

Christie 1:58

That sounds fun.

Cheryl New (2) 1:59

Oh, good. So, a little history, Chrissy, you had your first. Baby at 1919

Christie 2:04

Uhhuh.

Cheryl New 2:05

Wow. And then almost every two years after,

Christie 2:08

right.

Cheryl New 2:08

You had your four girls?

Christie 2:09

Yeah. Four girls in around seven years.

Cheryl New 2:12

Wow. So when you remember that, what, um, do you remember most clearly about those early years as a parent?

Christie 2:22

Hmm. Well. I remember being, um, overwhelmed.

Cheryl New 2:30

Understand.

Christie 2:30

I remember being excited,

Cheryl New 2:33

ah,

Christie 2:33

and enjoying, um, my kids being excited and thankful that I, I had them. Um, I remember being really. Ambitious. Okay. And having a lot of hopes and dreams and thoughts of how things would go.

Cheryl New 2:49

Mm-hmm.

Christie 2:50

Especially in the earliest years and, and really always, I mean, I think I was often optimistic and my kids now will say, that's toxic positivity.

Cheryl New 3:02

Don't you love how we sometimes are counseled by our uhhuh, our children.

Christie 3:08

Yes, Bring our self-awareness about. Um, and I, I remember just thinking, I just always feeling like I just needed a new plan ev every week I, I just kind of assess what was hard and think I just need a new plan and I would create a new system. I'm a big systems person, Uhhuh, so I like to create a, a new check. Mark list, uh, or a new, you know, chore chart or a new organization in a closet. And so I'm, I'm remembering all of the times that, and my kids now, again, they, they laugh at me and they'll say, oh yeah, mom used to always say the plan is good. I, I, I stayed up late making this spreadsheet or this chore chart, and it's a good plan. We just have to work the plan. Okay. So I loved different things you said Mm-hmm.

Cheryl New 3:51

Christie we're not trying to in any way be un kind or anything, but you didn't have in your childhood examples for the vision you had and the hopes you had for your

Christie 4:02

children. Right? Right.

Cheryl New 4:02

Okay. So what was different? You were saying you were excited about it, you looked forward to it, in the mess. Mm-hmm. And again, I'm just going 19 years old. That just means you were barely driving. I guess so. I mean. You graduated from high school, got married and had babies.

Christie 4:20

Yeah. Essentially.

Cheryl New 4:21

Wow. So in the midst of that, talk about how you

Cheryl New (2) 4:26

found

Cheryl New 4:27

such hope and

Cheryl New (2) 4:28

excitement.

Christie 4:29

I think I remember having my first daughter because I have all daughters. Um, when I had my first daughter, I just knew I had this huge craving for us to be. Very relationally connected. Wow. That, that was the biggest dream I had for my kids at that time. You know, I didn't even know if I would have more children. I, yeah. I just was thinking about this one baby and I just knew, you know, I knew that the things people say of you can't be your, your kids' friends. Yeah. That wasn't after that necessarily, but I just wanted a really great relationship with her.

Cheryl New 5:07

Wow.

Christie 5:08

And I had. From the beginning, this idea of our relationships, as adults.

Cheryl New 5:13

That's so cool. I love that because you know, recently you and I were with some young moms and they were saying, how did you get through?

Christie 5:20

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl New 5:21

What got you through?

Christie 5:22

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl New (2) 5:22

And we said, a big part of it was the big picture

Christie 5:25

Yeah.

Cheryl New 5:25

And I love that because. Uh, you had a craving,

Christie 5:29

right?

Cheryl New 5:29

For this intimacy and relationship.

Christie 5:32

Yes.

Cheryl New 5:32

And so I'm hearing you right, that fueled you

Christie 5:35

mm-hmm.

Cheryl New 5:36

To do what you had no idea what you were doing.

Christie 5:38

Right. It was really, I mean, I think, I, I think I'm being accurate when I say it was really the plumb line for all of my decisions. Wow. Does this add to take away affect in any way? The relationship I'm after with my kids, I love that and I, and I, you know, like I said, the saying of you can't be your kids' friends there. You do run the risk. When you're prioritizing relationship of trying to be their friend and trying be liked by them and people pleasing and all of that, those were the challenges that came with that goal. Sure.

Cheryl New 6:10

Because there's always a trade off for everything,

Christie 6:12

right?

Cheryl New (2) 6:13

well, To degree you don't do that, then you're falling in the pitfall of something else. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, by the way, 19-year-old Christie, there's no fix. Right? There's no perfect pattern.

Christie 6:22

Right. And the reality is. You're not guaranteed a great relationship with another human being.

Cheryl New 6:28

No.

Christie 6:28

It's not all dependent on you and what you do either. There's two parties there, and I do have great relationships with my daughters. Yeah, you do. But I'm just saying, you know, I, I really thought if I could do all the right things, that I could manufacture a great relationship and I have a great relationship by the grace of God and their, you know, contributions to the relationship. So

Cheryl New 6:47

Fantastic. Okay, and you said overwhelmed. Just four children in seven years.

Christie 6:52

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl New 6:53

Particularly,

Christie 6:54

yeah. Some people do it

Cheryl New 6:54

faster,

Christie 6:54

but yeah, it was felt fast to me.

Cheryl New 6:57

Alright, so in all of that, in the overwhelm, what are ways, or what did you do? Like, I'm sure we have a lot of moms who are going, I'm really

Cheryl New (2) 7:07

overwhelmed, too! Christie, what did you do to catch your breath?

Christie 7:11

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl New 7:12

What. Grounded you? What are some of the things you found that work for you or didn't work for you so that you could keep alive the love you had and. Your, your sanity,

Christie 7:24

right? Um, I think that's when I really started learning and understanding priorities and how to prioritize things. I had to sort through what mattered and what didn't and what, like I said, what. Contributed to those goals. Yeah. And what didn't? And you know, we did fewer activities than some people, or we had, you know, expectations of how many times we were around the dinner table together a week. Wow. We said no to certain, um, certain things on our calendar and that helped minimize some of that overwhelm. Mm-hmm. I mean, it's four kids are always gonna feel a little bit over your head, but I think those were some of the steps I attempted to take. Um, I think. Seeking out good friendships and mentorships. Mm-hmm. Um, investing in your life that have gone a little bit farther down the path for, you know, than you are to just bring some, um, logic in play when the emotions are high and mm-hmm. And you feel like, am I doing anything right and you know, has anybody ever felt this way before? That's helpful. Um,

Cheryl New 8:30

oh, I hear. That you kept margin in there, in the midst of that. Mm-hmm. See, what I'm hearing is some, some margin.

Christie 8:38

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl New 8:38

And some self-awareness. And a lot of flexibility.

Christie 8:43

Yeah.

Cheryl New 8:44

Christie, I'm so impressed'cause you were so young handling all of that and that was a lot of wisdom you had in there and I'm really glad you sought out mentors. Mm-hmm. That's where we became dear life friends. Yes.

Christie 8:58

Yes.

Cheryl New 8:58

That's a joy. okay. With four girls that close together.

Christie 9:03

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl New 9:04

They were clamoring around you all the time.

Christie 9:07

Right.

Cheryl New 9:07

Everybody's pulling you 10 different ways.

Christie 9:09

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl New 9:10

There's so many needs. How did you find ways to connect with different ones to meet their needs or to keep this relationship? Or what did you find didn't work?

Christie 9:22

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl New 9:22

Like, you got stuck in a rut and it didn't help you. Be able to connect?

Christie 9:28

Yeah. Well, to be honest, that's the one that comes to mind first is the challenges and the things that, um, that were hard for me. I, I feel like even though I think maybe particularly because I had all one gender uhhuh, it was hard for me to not just group everyone together. Oh, that makes sense. That was a really easy thing and they were close in age, and maybe there was a little bit of difference from the oldest to the youngest. Yeah. But a lot of times. I mean, I, if you could do a word count on my vocabulary, it's probably the girls more than any of their names

Cheryl New 9:59

y'all.

Christie 10:00

Yeah, exactly. Y'all, y'all

Cheryl New 10:01

do the y'all. Uh,

Christie 10:02

yes. And so, um, that was my challenge, um, as far as, as what I did for individual., I remember as my second daughter started becoming more of like toddler age

Cheryl New 10:14

Uhhuh,

Christie 10:14

I was realizing how different she was than my first.

Cheryl New 10:20

Yes.

Christie 10:20

And it was kind of then that I started realizing, oh, these children are unique individuals some of the approaches, um, that I could take to parenting with the first weren't the ones I needed to take with the second. And so I think that helped to individualize a little bit as they just have different needs and then as they even got older, different interests.

Cheryl New 10:41

Um, and personalities.

Christie 10:42

And personalities.

Cheryl New 10:43

Yeah. Right? Like when we talk about things sometimes I just go, that's the way you see it.

Christie 10:48

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl New 10:49

And it's just even as grown adults. And we look at the same thing and you say, no, Cheryl, clearly this is an issue. Whatever we'll say of, of shame. And I go. That's not shame,

Christie 11:02

right?

Cheryl New 11:03

It's just not thinking ahead fast enough.

Christie 11:05

Uhhuh.

Cheryl New 11:06

So Why we would've thought our children.

Christie 11:09

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl New 11:09

Were not individuals instead of just, oh, these are, um, like Play-Doh and I can just kind of mold them into this nice little thing.

Christie 11:18

Right?

Cheryl New 11:19

That lie.

Christie 11:20

I remember, um, you know, we had, uh. Two in each bedroom. Uhhuh, two sets of, you know, girls in each bedroom and. They were in birth orders, so number one and number two in a room, and number two and number three, and I won't specify who, but we did have two tidy ones and two neat ones. And they just happened to be a tidy and a neat in each bedroom. Yeah. And I remember one of the tidy ones saying, why can't we just put the tidy girls in one? You know, we didn't typically label'em that way, but she was saying the tidy girls in one room and the messy ones in the other room. And, I remember saying to her, because there would be animals living in this room and odors coming from it. And she's like, well, that's not my problem. You know, I won't be in that room. But you know, it is true. They just started becoming themselves in different ways and, and seeing their personalities change as they got older. And, and now, I mean, as adults, they're all 19 to 26 now and they're all very unique in their own ways, even though they came from the same ingredients,

Cheryl New 12:20

which is wonderful. Wonderful. Right. So you've already admitted you aren't perfect,

Christie 12:25

freely admitted.

Cheryl New 12:26

Okay. So what were some

Cheryl New (2) 12:28

ways that you handled moments when you lost your patience??

Christie 12:31

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl New 12:31

And then long term, what did you find out that you learned from that?

Christie 12:35

Hmm. Well, it happened a lot. I, um. You know, like we all are, I was a work in progress, so my kids got to see, you know, the ugly sides of me. You lose your patience and you have a sharp tongue. And, um, one of my kids said the other day, I was a type B mom if you know what a type B mom is. I was like, yeah, I, I mean, like I said, I did have some things that I was systematic on, but surely lacks on a lot of other things. So, um, yeah, I think. I, I learned from you that, you know, to go and apologize to my kids when I would blow it. And, um, they usually were good to receive that. And I think it created, um, some freedom for them to, to come and say, you know, that they're sorry for things or, or at the very least, um. To not feel the pressure that they couldn't make mistakes.

Cheryl New (2) 13:37

Yes. I think,'cause I'm remembering back my life and then now as I'm watching with my grandchildren, when you do that. It gives them the safety to come and say, I need to tell you, I lied.

Christie 13:49

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl New 13:50

That they can not only fail, but they can come and be honest about it and be safe. I think you are apologizing and asking forgiveness and going back and saying, I didn't handle that right.

Christie 14:03

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. That.

Cheryl New 14:04

makes that bridge so safe for them to venture their toes out on it. To say, oh, by the way, mom, I got into your purse. I ate some of your gum, or whatever it is. Or I saw that money and I took some of it off the dresser.

Christie 14:20

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl New 14:20

Whatever it is that they feel safe, they can come. Talk to you because you've shown them I'm an imperfect person and we're all imperfect people and we love each other.

Christie 14:30

Right? We used to have a saying and we would say, pencils have erasers because people aren't perfect.

Cheryl New 14:36

Ah, I like that.

Christie 14:36

And it was nice little alliteration that my kids love to sing and. Say whenever, you know, or I would say it often to them when they would get so angry that they had messed up on something and wanna wad up the paper and just, you know, throw it away. And I remember one of my girls, you know, often saying it back to me. And, um, yeah, I think just trying to have that atmosphere of, um, grace in your home and, uh, safety

Cheryl New 15:03

So. I've heard you before and a little bit in here, what helped you move from being such a self-critical mom?

Christie 15:12

Mm.

Cheryl New 15:12

To a self-compassionate mother?

Christie 15:14

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl New 15:15

Because parenting and life are process and so. You come a long way, baby, as the old commercial said. Mm-hmm. And so what are some steps that

Cheryl New (2) 15:25

you thought helped you in that movement?

Christie 15:30

Um, I think I just finally, uh, started to realize I, I really am just doing the best I can. Mm. You know, I, I had felt like I had. Limited resources on, um, training. It's on the job training. And so you're learning on the go and, and figuring it out in real time. And like you said, I was young. And so I think just looking back a little more objectively has helped, um, see the scenario as, wow, this was a young girl with a lot of kids just trying to do her best. Well

Cheryl New 16:06

done.

Christie 16:07

And, um. It's a battle for me. You know, I can beat myself up really easily and, you know, I'm sure there's things that have been hurtful to my kids that they would sit here and share and, and I would welcome that. But, it's it good to look back and say. You know, I only had what I had Yes. You know, as far as knowledge or insight or any amount of wisdom on parenting. And so I, I did the best that day with what I had. Wow. And there were a lot of things I didn't know that I was doing wrong to go back and apologize until years later.

Cheryl New 16:40

That's fantastic.

Christie 16:41

You know, hindsight's always 2020.

Cheryl New 16:43

Yeah. And, and I, I love it because. It's so ridiculous for us to think that we are unlimited and then It's our first time through life, particularly with something as important and as on the job and as quickly evolving. Mm-hmm. And complicated as parenting that we would nail it.

Christie 17:01

Right.

Cheryl New 17:02

You know, and as young as you were, but anybody.

Christie 17:05

Right.

Cheryl New 17:05

Because as we say all the time, I've never had a child this old. Mm-hmm. And we've never been in this circumstance and you know, and then you have a third baby, then you have a fourth one.

Christie 17:14

Yes.

Cheryl New 17:14

Whatever. Somebody's in high school, it's always evolving.

Christie 17:18

Right.

Cheryl New 17:18

And. I love the compassion of saying, I'm here where I am doing the best I can in this.

Christie 17:25

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl New 17:26

I think that's so wise. That's so good.

Christie 17:28

Well, and that's true today. you know, I've never been 46 years old in October of 20, 20, 25 before. So just figuring it out and, um, yeah, I remember. By the time the girls had gotten probably high school age, there would be a young mom. Occasionally they'd be like, oh, you probably think I'm so silly. You've got all these girls, you probably know just what to do. That kind of thing. And I mean, there's just nothing that makes you wanna like sit someone down more than that to say, listen, I promise I do not know what I'm doing. But um. I would say, you know, I've never parented this child at age 14 before. Right. Maybe I've had three others at age 14, but I haven't parented this one yet.

Cheryl New 18:08

In the context of two older sisters and a younger sibling, Uhhuh.

Christie 18:11

Yeah.

Cheryl New 18:12

Whatever's going in business with your husband.

Christie 18:13

Right.

Cheryl New 18:14

All of

Christie 18:14

it. Right.

Cheryl New 18:15

Okay, so lemme ask one last question.

Christie 18:17

Okay.

Cheryl New 18:19

So if 22, 20 3-year-old Christie mm-hmm. Came to you right now mm-hmm. Through some time warp,

Christie 18:25

right?

Cheryl New 18:26

And said, what would you tell me? What would you want me to know in my real life right now as Christie, the mom of these four girls?

Christie 18:37

Uh, I think I would just tell her to keep at it. I mean, you're, keep on doing what you're doing. You're doing a great job. You're, you're trying your best breathe. Um, and I'd probably wanna talk to her a little bit more about grace for her kids and for herself and, uh. Uh, you know, because that, that ability to give grace and that creating a place of safety happened. Over time. Right. And so I would like to help encourage her in that earlier, um, grace. Grace for herself and grace for her kids. And, and also, you know, just tell her there's not one solution to parenting. There's not one magic book. You're gonna find that, oh, this is the key. Mm-hmm. This is what you've been looking for. Um, that, you know, you just take it day by day, kid by kid, year by year and, and keep on pushing forward.

Cheryl New 19:34

Wow. That is beautiful advice, isn't it?

Christie 19:37

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl New 19:38

I love it. Hey, thank you so much Christy. This was fun. Oh,

Christie 19:41

yeah. Yeah, that was, it was a different kind of episode.

Cheryl New 19:45

I loved it. Hey parents, hang in there. Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.

Speaker 2 19:54

Sitting here. After that conversation with Christie, I kept thinking about what she said. Seeing your kids for who they are, not for who we expect them to be, though that has close done it. I can look back at my own kids and remember times I was trying so hard to shape something. When really they just needed me to notice them, and that's what I love about what Christie shared. It's not about getting it right, it's about being willing to see, to learn to grow. Maybe this week as you pour another cup of coffee or buckle a seatbelt, just take a breath and notice the person right in front of you. That's where the real work and the real joy begin. You can always reach out on social media or contact@theparentingpodcast.com. Thanks for listening, friend. And I'm grateful we get to keep figuring this out together.