Christie’s Story: The Real Work Begins When They Grow Up | Ep. 191

Christie returns to explore what changes when your kids grow up—the awkward shifts, the grief you don’t expect, and the quiet work of staying connected without managing their lives. A candid look at how the relationship evolves and how love grows with it.

Transcript

Christie: 0:00

So much of that time. that year of launching my first kid Was this concentrated learning time for me of learning to trust that when things don't go. The way that you would've wanted them to? Yeah. That it's not the end of the world.

Speaker: 0:18

When Christie said that, I felt it. And I think some of you may have felt it too, that tension of watching your kids step into their own lives while you are learning how to stay connected in a new way, it's real and it stretches you in ways you don't expect. I am Cheryl Lang and today on the Parenting podcast, we are picking that conversation back up. I am sitting down with Christie, again, not as my co-host, but as a mom of four grown daughters. So we can talk honestly about what shifts, what surprises you and how relationships keep growing.

Cheryl New: 1:14

So listeners, this is, a follow up of a fun episode that we did, last time. And instead of bringing someone else into the recording room and Christie

Cheryl New (2): 1:26

and me Talking to them. In this case, our wonderful guest today on the podcast is Christie. Here I am. So last time, Christie, I just found it so fascinating to sit here and talk and listen to you personalized your life as a mom. Mm. So not as the co-host here mm-hmm. Um, so we talked about your experiences when you were a young mom mm-hmm. And what that was like raising your girls. She has four girls, seven years apart, all total. And, uh, I'm just so impressed. With what you did and how it evolved. And so now what I'd like to talk about, because now you're in the empty nest stage. Mm-hmm. All of your children are graduated and

0: 2:10

mm-hmm.

Cheryl New: 2:11

In their young adult years. So how about if we talk about that?

Christie: 2:15

Yeah.

Cheryl New: 2:15

Okay. Let me ask you, what has surprised you most about parenting adult kids?

Christie: 2:22

Oh, surprised me. Um, well, what I think what surprised me most is my lack of involvement.

Cheryl New: 2:31

Explain. I know what you mean. Explain what you mean.

Christie: 2:33

Um, I think I just thought I would continue telling them what to do and I learned very quickly it doesn't work that way. Um, so that's been surprising. I've also been very pleasantly surprised at how well they're doing, um, oh. And how, how little I feel like I need to correct. So that's nice. Uh, but yeah, I, I think that has been surprising that, not that they don't want me around. They, they like me. Okay. But, um, that, you know, it's time for them to be making choices and decisions and my time of investing in them. So explicitly Yes. Has ended. Yeah. And you know, they still, I'm sure pick things up for me and just my life and they remember things at different times that I've said. But, um, as far as unsolicited advice and correction, I don't have that luxury anymore. And, and maybe it's not always, you know, that they wouldn't consider a luxury. Maybe it's stuff I just probably shouldn't have said anyway. But, um, yeah, that, I think that surprised me.

Cheryl New: 3:36

You know, because you are very involved mm-hmm. In the first 20 years. Right. And.

Christie: 3:42

Just thought that would keep on going. Right. And you know, I remember hearing a lot of people say, well, you're always their mom.

0: 3:49

Yeah. You know,

Christie: 3:50

you'll always be their mother mother's, you know, love never changes or mother's job never ends, or those kinds of things. And, um, of course your love never changes, but your actions and how you show that love have to change.

0: 4:02

Brilliant.

Christie: 4:03

And this is so wise. Yeah.

Cheryl New (2): 4:06

Um, did you. Learn this right off the bat with your first, as she moved into adulthood? Or is this something that's evolved? Well, it's

Christie: 4:17

both, I did learn it very quickly with my first daughter, but it has evolved. Um, I. Definitely overstepped boundary lines with my oldest so it was more clumsy. Uhhuh, I can say I was, introduced to the idea with my first daughter, and have developed it as we've moved on. Um, and I'm sure all of my girls have areas that they would say I've overstepped with them. So it's, it's a clumsy process of figuring out Sure. Yes. You know, and then sometimes. They do wanna hear what I have to say, and I've just come to a place of waiting for them to ask me, like, mom, I'm asking you what you think about this. You know, almost beg me for my advice. Otherwise, I do find myself pushing in too much. So how did that feel?

Cheryl New: 5:09

And then how'd you cope with those

Christie: 5:11

feelings? Well, it feels, um, it feels scary because Why?, I think because I feel like, well, if I don't say it, who will, you know, they need to hear my wisdom and my ideas on this. Um, but then it feels equally satisfying and rewarding when you see them making their own choices and doing well, and, and even when they don't go well, just the fact that they're having that process of learning from their mistakes and processing that as, you know, human beings on the planet and just living life as grown women. And so that, I'm finding that that's the encouragement. For me to stay in my place of just getting to see that victory for them.

Cheryl New: 5:57

Okay, so my question is. You learned it so quickly? Your first one, and you didn't take it personally? No. You just moved on

Christie: 6:05

into your adult life? No, with my first one, I'm watching her find my friend's bubble when she's at school in Alabama. I'm watching, you know, where she's at on a Thursday afternoon, a thousand miles away. Uh, and wondering, you know, why I, I actually remember when we, when we dropped her off in Alabama and we were. Not, I mean, why was she in Alabama? She went there for school. Oh, okay. So she, we weren't, you know, it was a 14 hour drive home, which I sobbed most of the 14 hours,

Cheryl New: 6:36

but, but a peek behind the curtain, everybody. Oh yes, she did sob. And we laugh about it. But you cried a lot. Yeah,

Cheryl New (2): 6:45

I go Cassidy is gonna be fine. Uhhuh. i don't know About

Christie: 6:49

Christie. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. She, she was made to fly and I was, uh, made to fly with her. Um, so yeah,, I mean, so much of that time. It, it was like this concentrated learning time for me that year of launching my first kid of learning boundaries, which we had talked about here. Um, learning to be more self-aware, learning to, uh, have confidence in the skills and strengths of my daughter to encourage her and learning to trust that when things don't go. The way that you would've wanted them to? Yeah. That it's not the end of the world. Wow. That there are good things that come from hard things.

Cheryl New: 7:37

Christie, look at everything Your daughter launching into adulthood, she wasn't the one learning everything. Mm-hmm. Look what you just capsulized. Mm-hmm. That you were taught through the releasing of your daughter. That's amazing.

Christie: 7:52

Yeah. Yeah. It really is. I think some of my other kids benefited from for sure, me releasing them a little better. And, um, I actually had to explain to my other kids, it's not that I miss her more, that I'm not crying this off hard when you leave. It's just that I'm in a healthier place.

Cheryl New: 8:11

Well, and you said your kids have benefited. Mm-hmm. But everybody around us. Mm-hmm. You just described an incredible evolution of maturity.

0: 8:21

Mm.

Cheryl New: 8:21

Self-awareness, boundaries, loving other people for who they are, trusting. The path that they're on and empowering them. You do that to me. You do that to her husband. You've learned that. Everyone benefits from what you've learned. Mm, I love that. So i'm so glad you had to release your children, right, because. Just my own life benefits, but just an encouragement to all the parents listening.'cause I will tell you, watching you go through that you felt it was a death.

Christie: 8:50

Yeah.

Cheryl New: 8:50

You thought it was the end of your relationship and that was it. Mm-hmm. And it was all over. Right. Rather than actually being a birth into this rich, wonderful new life for all of you. Mm-hmm.

Christie: 9:03

Yeah. And I think just to validate anybody walking through that currently. It, it is a form of a death. I mean, it is a closing of a door of the type of relationship you once had with a person. And so there is that to validate the, the grief that goes on. But what I didn't know, and this is super cheesy and overused analogy, but it really was like the transformation of a butterfly. It was becoming something more beautiful, more. You know, healthy than what I had before, and, and now I, you know, I have a good relationship with my girls on the other side of launching, um, to the degree that I can be healthy in how I engage with them.

Cheryl New: 9:46

What an encouragement. I didn't think it sounds cheesy at all. I think it's really amazing.

Cheryl New (2): 9:51

Look at all the growth. Mm-hmm. Okay, so launching, how is your relationship evolving? How are you staying connected?'Cause you can't do the same things you used to do. Right. So how are you staying connected to, as you give them more independence? Mm-hmm. And you're trying to respect their independence. How are you doing this waltz, this tango with them? Releasing and independence. But remember last time you said it was a relationship and an intimate, connected relationship. Mm-hmm. That was your priority. How are you maintaining and developing that in a whole different environment than when they were children at home?

Christie: 10:32

Yeah. Well, the dance analogy is really good because there are definitely stepping on toes on both parties at times, so we'll start with just laying that out there. Um, but I feel like sometimes more clumsy than others. We're finding what feels right for both parties as far as you know, who leads an who initiates. Interactions. How often do you call and check in? How often do you get to spend time together face to face? Yeah. Um, those things change as you know, their schedules are busy with school and work. Yeah. Or they live out of state or they've got lots of friends or other things going on. Um. You know, we have, we have two of our girls living at home currently. Um, and so I get to see them more often, just Uhhuh in the morning making breakfast, and then some of the others I have to make FaceTime calls for meet and coffee shops. And so, um, yeah, I think it's, it's gonna be very unique between each parent child relationship and their lifestyle and mm-hmm. Um. I, I think one thing that, uh, I'm learning is to be students of their world, which is even more important now that. That we don't Yeah. You know, share hours and hours together that I have more material to ask about now. Mm-hmm. Um, because there's a lot of things I don't know about their friends and their music and their activities and things that they're doing. And so lots of question asking and just being curious about their thoughts on life and the world. And that's a place that sometimes I get off too, because I share a few too many of my thoughts and opinions on the world and. Um, so yeah, I'm just remembering to respect them you know, that mutual respect. That's always been important, but even more important as were two individual autonomous adults,

Cheryl New: 12:31

Uhhuh. Okay, so let me ask something. Listening what you said. Uh, it's a. Tricky dance. How do you ask questions so they don't feel like you're grilling them? Mm-hmm. And trying to stalk after them and second guessing them. Can you kind of talk through, what have you learned about how to ask questions so you can be connected but not offensive? Yeah, I think,

Christie: 12:58

um, there's really no way to do it other than to. Genuinely feel that. Oh, like for you to genuinely feel just curious because if you have even a hint of agenda, right? That is not an area to discuss. Oh, I love that. That's actually like there are certain topics or that because of my immaturity, I don't even touch with my girls and sometimes you don't know that that's the case until you stick up on it. So then you learn real quick, oh, that's not something I need to. You know, be talking about. But um, I try to just stay in the areas that I can genuinely, authentically say, I just wanna hear about you. I just wanna hear about that friendship. I just wanna hear about your job consideration where I have no opinion, no agenda. I'm not trying to sway them or convince them or influence them in any way. I just wanna hear about their life.

Cheryl New: 13:54

I'm just listening. What I believe is such great wisdom of what you're sharing because that's the change before you were so busy raising them and parenting them. Mm-hmm. And what I'm hearing from you now is you're investing that energy and love and care into how can I keep maintaining the relationship? Like to think through, oh, I'm not gonna talk about that. Oh wait. And even I love the self-awareness. I have an agenda in that and I can't talk about that. I have to either wait till I can be more mature. Right. I, I love this because you're continuing so deeply to invest. It just looks different. Yeah. Okay. Let me ask you this question, what's tricky and how is it different when you have young adult children who are still living at home and so they're not fully, uh, financially independent. Mm-hmm. Still, there's dependence on you, yet you're supposed to be releasing them and respecting their independence. Mm-hmm. Can you talk about how messy that is? It's messy.

0: 15:07

That's

Cheryl New: 15:07

why I was hoping you'd have a lot of wisdom

Christie: 15:09

in that. Um, no, it, it is messy, I think. Um, it's a hard thing to, uh, articulate. I, I think. It probably is safe to say, and maybe I'm thinking in generalities, but it's probably safe to say you need to be less involved than you wanna be.

Cheryl New: 15:29

Uh, okay. Just expand that a little

Christie: 15:31

bit. I, I think, especially if they haven't left the home at all, Uhhuh, it might be a little bit different if they left and came back, but if they haven't left the home at all, that transition is really hard. Because there, there is no transition. You know, you have to define the transition and say, okay, now the relationship is different. It used to be that I asked what time you were gonna be home when you were Oh, mm-hmm. 17, you know, maybe 18, depending on when they graduated. Um, but. Now I don't ask that. I don't ask who you're going with or where you're going or what time you'll be home or, um, and you know, this is where it's a little messy. And we have these conversations often at our house of when I ask those questions, just out of curiosity, like I was talking about Uhhuh, I'm genuinely just like, Hey, that sounds fun. Who else gonna be there? And they're like. Mom, why are you drilling me? Why are you, you know, and, and I take that as being a symptom that there must be something somewhere. I've lost some trust.

0: 16:32

Mm-hmm.

Christie: 16:33

You know, there must've been an area somewhere I overstepped because, um, otherwise, you know, they, they would know. I was just coming at it with a free, you know, relational, just curiosity. Okay.

Cheryl New: 16:45

But I wonder if it may also be just immaturity. Yeah, but it's not your immaturity, it's just their immaturity. And because I remember one of mine said. On down the road, they said, oh, by the way, mom, all the other things, if I sniffed that you were questioning my independence.

0: 17:05

Mm. I

Cheryl New: 17:06

would cut everything off.

0: 17:07

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl New: 17:07

That they care. Not that they're actually independent and mature, but they never wanted right. Questioned Or to have an agenda about their independence, even when they aren't. Yeah. And so, you know, in that it could be. That they're immature and. They're defensive. Mm-hmm. For their independence because they're

Cheryl New (2): 17:28

not!! Independent.

Christie: 17:29

Well, and even if not necessarily immaturity, that they know this is a new toy, like this is a new protective. You think about when they first started tying their shoe or riding their bike and it's like, no, I wanna try it myself. Okay. I want, you know, just kind of that hands off, let me have this, yes, I might fall, but I need you to take 10 steps back from this bike and let me do this. And so yeah. The defensiveness, yeah. Might be yes, because they are just needing that extra independence because it's new.

Cheryl New: 18:03

This is great. Oh, so then your core values. Christy, the things that matter to you most, you can't keep teaching those the way you did an active parenting year. Mm-hmm. Okay. Um, how are they shaped? This way that you're continuing to parent in this season? Because what I'm saying, you have to live your values out now rather than teach them. Yeah. Okay. What are ways that you've done that?

Christie: 18:31

I mean, I feel like by 26 years of knowing these people, um, they. They know what my core values are. Mm-hmm. They've heard all the things. If I could have said it, I did. Yeah. Yeah. And so, this season of life really just feels like it magnifies that caught rather than taught. And anything they want of me, anything they want to emulate of my life, they're welcome to. And they know what's there for the taking. Wow. Um. I think, like I said, if they ask for my advice, they know what value system it's coming from Uhhuh. And so that's an invitation there to share from that value system. Mm-hmm. And, and they know, um, where they came from. They know who raised them, who invested in them. They know all of that already. And they're developing their own core values. Yep. You know, they have their, uh, you know, maybe passion projects they've gotten involved in or their, um, soap boxes. You know, we all have'em to stand on. And so I have to respect those. And, um, sometimes they overlap and sometimes they don't. And I think there's just an awareness of. I'm still learning who they are because they're new adult life. Yeah. But they know me very well and so there there's not a need for me to remind them of my, my thoughts on

Cheryl New: 19:58

this. Well, that is really good. That's excellent. That's true. So is this easy for you? No. Oh, okay. No, every, because you're so articulate and I'm going, so you just do

Christie: 20:10

it easy. Okay. These are the things I know to be true on any given Thursday. I am definitely saying too many things on this news article I read, or too many things on this, you know, soapbox, they're standing on and we just recently, I had a, an interaction where. You know, I was tired. I was making dinner and somebody was, you know, giving me their 2 cents that the internet was complaining about, and we both kind of. Went off in a puff and, you know, went our different ways. And you know, we both later acknowledged we were both just tired and probably hormonal and just not in a good place to discuss those things. And, um, so yeah, those things happen every single day. I'm not exaggerating.

Cheryl New: 20:53

Well, and I wasn't trying to go, oh, come on Christy. I was saying No, it's encouragement for everyone listening. Yeah. It's such a process, right. And you've never been this old with this many children at these different stages. And I, I think probably a young adult living in home. Possibly is the messiest of any of the other combinations of all of parenting. Right? Because the lines are very blurred. Yes. And if you're not really good at boundaries mm-hmm. Or if you haven't been very clear about whose responsibility is what. You mentioned timeline a while ago. Sometimes you have to have a timeline. For example, well, we're gonna give you this much time until this has to happen. Or a job or money or school or mm-hmm. Whatever it is. If it's not an arbitrary, something that's actually happening in life. You may have to be the one that initiates it, and it just, I, it's the blurred lines and I just wondered where they're going. Do you do this that well? No. No, because it's really difficult, on the job training for sure.

Christie: 22:02

Yeah. Yeah. Which it's never been any different, you know, every season of parenting, it's on the job training. Okay.

Cheryl New: 22:09

So. Fast forward 20 years. What would you want to hear from Christie

Cheryl New (2): 22:18

20 years older To help you in your season right now of releasing your young adults and staying in a relationship with them because that's what you care about. Hmm. Not tweaking all the little details of their lives, but who they're becoming, the values you're instilling, and how could you best live out what you'd like to be living out? In relationship and before your kids?

0: 22:41

Mm.

Christie: 22:42

This is a really good question. Um, I thought it was, I,

Cheryl New: 22:47

What question would you ask that 20 year older. Mm-hmm. More experienced. Mm-hmm. More transformed, wiser, more mature. Christie, do you have a question you would ask her, or what would you want her to say back to you?

0: 23:03

Hmm.

Christie: 23:05

Well, I hope what she would say. Is that even though the dance was messy of finding those appropriate boundaries in the relationships with my adult daughters, um, my girls are telling her that they have felt respected as individuals and that they could see, you know, now at that point they're going to probably start having children. Yeah. Close to the age of, you know, they are now, um, that they would be experiencing the same dance and that maybe, you know, our, our relationship has helped them in that dance with their own children and that we have a, a safer, more, um, vibrant and. Intimate relationship with one another because of the the hard fought dance that it was.

Cheryl New: 23:59

I would concur with that. I would say the same thing. Not just to you, but to other parents. Yes. Mm-hmm. This is the fight worth fighting. Mm-hmm. And what I hear all over that you're talking about all the time, you're talking about your humility. Giving grace to yourself and your children and then fighting that good fight. Yeah. That it's worth it. Yeah. And that's what I think Christie would say back to you. Mm-hmm. Just like you said to your younger you Yes. Fight. Hang in there. That's so good.'cause your children are worth it. And the relationship is. Christie, thank you so much. This was a blast. I loved it. It was fun. Thank you. Absolutely. Okay, so parents hang in there. Stay in the fight. Keep persevering, keep loving because it's worth it.

Speaker 2: 24:52

If you're in this stage with your own young adults, whether they've moved out, circled back home, or somewhere in between, I hope this conversation reminds you that you don't have to have it all sorted out. This season asks different things of us. a quieter voice a voice, a longer pause, a deeper trust in who our kids are becoming. And it's okay if you're still learning that. Maybe just choose one small way to stay present. Ask without an agenda. Listen without fixing or quietly remember that the relationship matters most. If you'd like to share part of your story or keep this conversation going, we'd love to hear from you. You can reach out through our website, social media, or at contact@theparentingpodcast.com, and as we head into Thanksgiving, I hope you get a little space to breathe, to be with the people you love, and to notice the good that's right in front of you. We're taking next week off to do the same with our families. Before we pause, I wanna say this, I'm genuinely grateful for you. The parents who keep showing up, who listen in while driving or cooking, or catching a quiet moment, you are the reason these conversations matter. Even though it's through a podcast, it still feels like a real place to connect, to think together, and to remember we aren't doing this alone. So enjoy your time with family. Give thanks, rest when you can, and we'll be back in a few weeks.