The Noise of Opinions vs. What Really Matters | Ep. 193

The flood of parenting input hasn’t slowed down—so how do you keep your footing? This episode explores how to sift through the noise, to name what matters, and to let steady voices speak louder than trends.

Transcript

Cheryl New: 0:00

when you have online input mm-hmm. There's no nuance in it. there's no human connection.

Speaker: 0:08

In parenting, some voices rush us, some distract us, and a few genuinely help us to grow. Today we're taking a moment to look at the difference, to slow things down just enough. To notice the voices that bring clarity instead of pressure, and help us to stay grounded in what matters. I'm Cheryl Lange and you're listening to The Parenting Podcast. I'm so glad you're here.

Cheryl New: 0:49

All right, Christie, so this is a follow up from,, our episode last time we were processing a question that you had gotten from a young mom mm-hmm. That you're with. So remind us of what the question is and then let's proceed.

Christie: 1:04

Yeah. I think just the, talking about the overwhelm of all the information that's out there versus, um, age old wisdom from, you know, mom passed to mom passed to mom over the years. Yeah. And the challenges that young moms face. Currently with, you know, the internet brings us so much insight on so many things, but it can also be very overwhelming with all the, information overload.

Cheryl New: 1:28

Yes. And we had such compassion and what she said is accurate. Yeah. We hear it a lot of times from a lot of moms.

0: 1:35

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl New: 1:36

So what we did is. Typically we talked about the struggle. Yeah. And there's a lot of struggle there and, but we never want to stay there. So this time let's look at, so what will we do with that? What encouragement will we offer to that young mom? Mm-hmm. And anybody saying, so this is the reality of my situation. I don't have two grandmothers and a mother-in-law and three older cousins and an aunt all speaking into my life, right. But I have chats sitting. We are here. Right. And I have, I have TikTok, And it feels so easy. It feels easy. Yeah. So what are some suggestions

Cheryl A: 2:13

to speak into this?

Christie: 2:14

So what do we do? Yeah. Well, I mean, good question for one, yes. It's, we're all still, you know, asking ourselves, but I just think about, um, what we were saying last time about, you know, yes. When we look back at past generations, there were a lot of things that past generations maybe got wrong, and we have evolved and learned and grown in a lot of ways. To know better on so many different topics, but there is just age old wisdom of raising kids. Yeah. And there's so much that could be solved by just not trying to reinvent the wheel and doing things the way that maybe your parents did or grandparents did, or someone you know that's already gone ahead of you. Maybe their kids are 10 years older than you. And so I just think. That the more digital our world has become, the less interactive with human beings. Absolutely. We've become Absolutely. For sure. And I think that there's real value there to revisit. I mean, it's how I raised my kids before we had all of these things. Yeah. And I'm so grateful for that. And I just, as you know, my daughter's got a baby and I'm just encouraging any young people I know. Keep women in your life. You know, if you're a mom or if. Men, if you're a dad, keep people in your life to learn from. Yeah. And, um, to just to grow into your own, um, style of doing things as you, as you learn from others.

Cheryl New (2): 3:48

I really like that. And the fact that I'd listen to them. Doesn't mean I have to do it. Yeah. But to not cut that off because there's a lot of cutoff. Mm-hmm. Although that's the old way, that's old fashioned. Right. You know, that's cooking with a wood stove. Right. Throwing the

Christie: 4:04

baby out with the bath water thing. Yeah. And that's

Cheryl New: 4:06

the problem. We don't wanna do that. We want to listen to wise or loving voices. Mm-hmm. Uh, even if they're our peers. Right. But just listen. Um, to some human input.

Christie: 4:17

Right. And I think too, when we're learning from one another, like you said, whether they're peers or older generations or even younger, I mean, you and I we talked about last time, you and I both. Yes. Learn from people younger than us. Yeah. Anytime we're learning from someone, we can listen to maybe the principle, the underlying principle, and not necessarily have to use the same method. Yeah. Or we

Cheryl New: 4:41

can tweak

Christie: 4:42

it. Right.

Cheryl New: 4:43

But that's The thing, when you have online input mm-hmm. This advice, advice, advice, whichever social media or podcast or whatever it is, right? There's no nuance in it. there's no human connection. Right. Even though I know a lot of people say, well, this friend of mine, and they

Cheryl New (2): 5:01

say, oh well, oh, it's not actually a friend. Yes. You know, it's an online presence. Right. And then also because I am

Carol: 5:10

older, I see the benefit in my own life and what I can offer to you or anybody else saying, well, this is what I've seen over the long haul. Mm mm-hmm. You know, and actually we talk about here, I didn't realize it, but I was doing the right thing and that it's been proven out over the long haul. That actually, that was a really wise thing. I'm glad I did it right. And also I would listen to voices That kind of sounded like what I just did. Mm-hmm. It's where it's someone who's offering it to you and kind of like a basket and say, here, pick out of this. Let me show you what I've got in here. Mm-hmm. And if you want to choose what you like out of it.

Christie: 5:50

That is really good. Cheryl. I think I. I am just now, as you're saying that, realizing that's what I'm attracted to in someone I wanna learn from is humility that says, Hey, I don't know everything. And that maybe could be a red flag of someone on the internet or in person of saying, whoa, maybe I wanna slow down on what I'm receiving from this person when they are dogmatic about their way being the only way, and every family needs to do it this way.

Cheryl A: 6:17

Well, And You see if it's an influencer or. A nonprofit. Mm-hmm. Or a podcast. All of those, their survival is based on all the hits, all the comments, all of that. Right. And so if they said, look, it doesn't matter, take it or leave it, whatever you want to do, they might feel like that's undermining. Mm-hmm. What they're trying to achieve. Mm-hmm. Also, I have an example of what we just said. A friend of mine, and I may have told the story before, I don't remember. And when she was. A new mom and I think her son was three years old and she wanted this, she wanted wisdom from others, and this was a long time ago before we had the internet, but she really, really wanted to learn and so she looked for a family and they had multiple children and it looked great. Mm-hmm. It looked like they were doing the kinds of things that she wanted to reproduce in her family.

0: 7:13

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl New: 7:14

Christie, she actually had a notebook and she went over to her house, opened the notebook and said, okay, please tell me what would you change if you could go back. And I think her

Carol: 7:25

youngest Was like a senior in high school and the others were college and beyond. And she said, what would you change? And the woman kind of sat pensively and thought and said, no, I guess nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Christie: 7:38

After raising a whole child, you have nothing that you would do

Cheryl New: 7:41

differently. Not even a different diaper brand Uhhuh. And

Cheryl New (2): 7:45

my friend, said, oh, thank you very much. Mm-hmm. And she closed the notebook and never went back.

Christie: 7:50

Yeah.'cause that's not someone that has. Been teachable and learn, looked back with humility to say, oh, you know, these are the things that didn't work. And being able to offer that it has value.

Cheryl New: 8:01

Yeah.

Christie: 8:02

And wow. And she might have had something to say, but why would you shop there when you can go to. Someone else. Right. You know, it's interesting, I was vacuuming in my hallway the other day and in my hallway there's um, way to go. Yeah. There's a, a framed, um, vision statement that we had written. My husband and I had written for our family when I think we maybe had two kids at the time. Huh. did you find it outdated? So I was reading over, I was like, you know, I dust this thing, I vacuum around it. I, you know, walk by it every morning and multiple times a day. And I enjoyed what I wrote as I read it, and I thought, I still stand by all of this. And I, I feel like. Yes. These are the core elements of our values as a family. However, unlike this woman with the, you know, flawless background, I can look back and say a lot of the ways we tried to execute this, I wouldn't do again. Oh, wow. I, I feel like I can see things where they, maybe they were too rigid. Yes. Or, um, elevated more than, you know, inappropriately in, in certain times. And so. I don't know. I guess I just share that to say feel freedom to look back on your parenting years and just know that it's okay to say, yeah, that didn't work the way I thought it was going to.

Cheryl New: 9:24

And I really like what you said because if I look back, I mean there we always talk about, and here's, I blew it. Here's how I blew it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But a lot of things I would say. My reason for doing it. Mm-hmm. My value behind it mm-hmm. Was solid. Right. It was good. But my application was like you say,. Mm-hmm. It wasn't balanced. Yeah. At all. Nuanced. Right. It or it was legalistic. Yeah. No, we will be kind to each other. Mm. Mm-hmm. You can't legislate a heart of kindness. Right. I can deal with the actions, but in my immaturity and my youngness mm-hmm. I was thinking, oh, if I legislate and I get the right actions Right. That's always gonna give me the heart that I want and I'm instill the value. Mm-hmm. Instead of focusing on the heart and the value. And working on the, the actions. Right. I, I had the cart before the horse.

Christie: 10:21

Yeah. And we are humans raising humans. Yeah, exactly. You know, I mean, that is not sure we can write an ideal out on paper and, and make a plan, but, um, there's different. Circumstances. There's just different children, there's different life seasons. You know, kind of going back a little bit, talking about having real people in your life as mentors rather than, yes, someone behind a screen. I think about you and the wisdom that you were able to give me at different times. I remember you saying, okay, right now, I know I've said this to you a million times, but this season of your life, that is not what you need to be worrying about. Wow. And so you were able to, since you knew me, you knew what our family was walking through. You knew the hardships we might've been facing. You were able to say. In real time. Yes. That's good advice. Right now is not the time for it.

Cheryl New: 11:13

And see, that's what I love about a live mentor. Mm-hmm. Not my advice. I, it sounds like really good advice. Right. I always go, well, that was good. Um, but the problem is, is that instant overload of information mm-hmm. From non-personal human, Outlets is fast, it's immediate, and there's no time to reflect on it. Mm-hmm. There's no time to personalize it. Right. It's just going, this is what you have to do and, and particularly. I would say so much of what's out there is so fear-based. Yeah. Because fear sells, right. So there's a lot of fear base instead of a human being who's lived a while. Mm-hmm. Sitting with you and listening

Christie: 12:01

yeah. I think in addition to fear being our motivation, sometimes, um, we are performing for the wrong audience in our parenting. Yeah. Whoever is in your head, whether it be the cancel culture of the internet or the critical. You know, parent or grandparent from your own life or, or even, I know something I have, have had thoughts of is the, um, both the phantom ideal that I wanted to be, absolutely. But also someone else that was really even in my life that was really good at something. I just wanted to be that so badly. And so I think we have to look at. You know, yes, like you said, fear, but also the other audiences that we feel like are watching us and, and grading us and critiquing us.

Cheryl New: 12:53

Okay. So what we're kind of saying is be careful where we get our identity. Mm-hmm. Be careful of, I would say fear. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, and the others. Be aware of your audience. Yeah. What audience are you playing to? Mm-hmm. Because in the world of influencers, it's all about audience. Right. No matter, the better they are, the less you realize that they're working their audience. Right. Okay.'cause they're really good at it. Yeah. Um. And it doesn't mean they're all to be discounted That's what we have to take into account. Mm-hmm. Rather than discounting. Right. Okay. So if we're talking about what we take into account, we are trying to say, we encourage you to live out your family values. Okay, so how would we encourage a parent says, okay, I wanna do that. How do I put into place our values well, the first thing, kind of what we've already said.

0: 13:38

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl A: 13:39

I would say, first, figure out your values and your priorities. young mom recently, and she had some hard decisions to make and she, uh, had just had too much on her plate. And had to make some decisions. What was happening, wasn't working.

0: 13:54

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl New: 13:54

And so she real wisely, sat down and spent some time not online. Mm-hmm. Sat down and said, okay, what are my values and then what are my priorities? And that's what she did. She looked at her values and our priorities. Then she considered the advice she was getting.

0: 14:14

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl A: 14:15

And then from that she said, okay, this is what I'm going to do. So I think that's a really great order, right. Of figure out what are our values first. Mm-hmm. And if you're married, that's a definitely a couple things, right? And like what you just said earlier, if they're real core values, they probably don't change. Right? Priorities change. Mm-hmm. So. If you have little ones, teens, whatever you have, your priorities can change. So that needs to be flexible. Mm-hmm. Then you start looking at the advice, whether it's live or. Electronic.

Christie: 14:48

Right? Yeah. I think another thing we've talked about before on the podcast is thinking about the adults that you want your kids to be. Oh,

0: 14:56

I like that.

Christie: 14:57

Yeah. Working backwards from the 40-year-old that you want your children to be, and then breaking it down to, okay, right now at three, what, what things should I be implementing in my parenting to help sculpt and shape them to be that 40-year-old? And that's. Obviously gonna change at different ages, different seasons, but it, it will help you to focus in on, okay. Do I really care that they're on this, you know, soccer league that takes us outta the house six nights a week? Yeah. Is that really gonna matter when they're 40 years old? No. But work ethic might be what you're after. And so how can I implement that that. Doesn't take us away from the dinner table six days a week.

Cheryl New: 15:40

And see, that's a good example of, I go to our values first. And so I look at what my values are. I do wanna work ethic, but I also want to say relationships matter. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. How do we live that out as a family and then say, now let's look at the soccer thing. Yeah. And then it might be soccer when they're little. It might be whether they go to a high rated academic route mm-hmm. In their upper schooling years, whatever it is that the application changes, but the values. don't, and the priorities mm-hmm. Shift. Mm-hmm.

Christie: 16:14

Does that make sense? Yeah. And different seasons, you may find yourself wanting to prioritize different values over others. Yeah. I think we said it not too long ago. You can do it all, but you can't do it all at once. Right, exactly.. I remember one of my daughters started a competitive dance team, and she really wanted to do this, and so she started it and then we get a few weeks in and she doesn't wanna do it anymore. And one of Our values was, you know, start finishing what you start. If you say you're gonna do something, carry it through. And so she had to do it all the way through. And, you know, that was a sacrifice for her. It was a sacrifice for us. But that character trait was what we were after. It wasn't that we wanted her to be a, you know, worldwide known dancer or anything like that, but that was something we were prioritizing in our family in that season.

Cheryl New: 17:02

And an additional question. Would be, is this realistic for this child in this season? Mm-hmm. Because let's say, yeah, you're gonna do competitive and then you find out you're pregnant with twins. Right. Okay. Whoa. We're not legalistically, going to learn work ethic. Yes. Yes. Instead, go, wait. In this season, this isn't realistic.

Christie: 17:21

Right. And for the family as a whole, I remember you saying, I think it was something Bill used to say of the family, sacrifices for the weakest member and I, I think. You know, that would be a perfect example of that. Okay. Mom's pregnant with twins. Things have to change. We're gonna honor mom for this season. Or, you know, this child needs a surgery. We're gonna honor this child during the season.

Cheryl New: 17:44

And, his value behind that is we are a family. Mm-hmm. And we are about the relationships with each other. Yeah. We lift them up and we hold them and we walk alongside'em because that's the deep value, right. We value this person.

0: 17:59

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl New: 17:59

Whatever it is. And that would include, um. Even emotionally difficult children. Mm-hmm. Or, someone's going through a really hard time mm-hmm. That the family will flex and grow to love that person even in their difficult season, regardless of what the advice is. Right. Okay, a deeper value. Is the value of this child. Mm-hmm. Does that make sense? So good. Yeah. You know, just a few quick things. We've said so much, maybe a few kind of almost popcorn questions is to ask yourself if we do this, if I make these choices, if I do this, does this bring peace or pressure? Mm-hmm. And so. You have to really be self-aware.'cause peace doesn't mean this is easier, right. Because it's like boundaries. Okay. You know, I'm all about boundaries. Uhhuh and boundaries doesn't always bring a peacefulness.

0: 18:56

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl New: 18:57

But down in my core, it brings such peace because Right, right. And it's healthy. Or we're gonna do this'cause everybody's doing it and whatever. And all it does is mount pressure on the family. I would listen to that. Mm-hmm. And go what's behind it, and then think your way through it. Makes sense. Yeah, it does. Does this create connection or create distance because our family is about relationships. Within our family and outside of our family, does this great advice that I'm getting from somewhere. Mm-hmm. Does this promote relationship? Does this create relationship, or does this separate? Mm, I like that everybody does their own thing. Right?

0: 19:41

Hmm.

Cheryl New: 19:42

But I think when I'm listening to whatever it is, whether it's in a podcast on TikTok, live human being. Is this source proving to be wise? Mm. Or are they just loud? Mm-hmm. Because there's so many loud voices out there and something gets trendy.

0: 20:04

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl New: 20:04

And suddenly everybody's talking about whatever it is.

Christie: 20:09

Ba baby lead weaning or Yeah. Co-sleeping or all of it.

Cheryl New: 20:14

Yeah. And suddenly it gets real trendy and very loud. Mm-hmm. And you have to stop and go, wait just a minute. Am I hearing this because it's loud?

0: 20:22

Mm-hmm. When

Cheryl New: 20:23

I really look at it through all these things we're saying. Mm-hmm. Is this actually from the source

Christie: 20:28

wise, what they're telling you? Yeah. Yeah. I, I think that feels like a personal challenge to think on how I would define the word wise or wisdom. Um, because what I do know, and maybe this is, this is where we land the plane here, but is that it's not quick that wisdom is slow.

Cheryl New: 20:47

That's really, that

Christie: 20:48

is found in, um. People who have have been at it for a while. Yeah. Not who are new on the playing field. Yeah. I think wisdom is found in lots of time with others in relationships and, um. It's not gonna be the instant hit that you want. You know, it's a lot easier to just Google knowledge. Yeah. Very good. And information. That's it. That's, but it's different than wisdom.

Cheryl New: 21:15

That's a very good thing. Is this knowledge or information? Mm-hmm. Or is this wisdom? Mm-hmm. I think that's the great divide there. Mm-hmm. That's really good. And then there's not a quick answer, but I like things that help me figure something out. Yeah. And I go, go, okay, this is information about. Whatever this kind of diaper, right? Or choosing my school, which school model are we gonna use? We can gather information and then I wanna look, but what is, what wisdom mm-hmm. Is in all of this. Mm-hmm. That is great.

Christie: 21:44

Yeah. And I think big picture, these last couple episodes, what we've been talking about is. Freedom and peace like we are going to make mistakes. Absolutely. At the end of raising your kids when they're completely released and on their own, there will be things that you wish you would've done differently. There will be a million things your kids will tell you you should have done differently. Um. But I remember telling my kids, you know, after they had all graduated high school, I said, I didn't get a hundred percent of it right, but I gave you 100% of what I had. Oh, that good.. And I think that's, that's the goal of successful parenting, is to give your all and give, give 100% of who you are and everything you have to offer. And sure you're gonna get some things wrong, but if you've loved them well, um, that's what matters. That's what matters. Yeah.

Cheryl New: 22:35

And in contrast to that woman. 20 something years ago. I loved what you said. I think I would consider a person wise who goes, no, I didn't do

Cheryl A: 22:45

it all right. and this is what I learned. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And listening to those voices. Yeah. And the more seasoned, the better. Oh, this is good. So good. You know, wish I'd had all those voices I know. Can I, in my life, can rewind and listen to this podcast? Thanks. Hey parents, remember, hang in there. Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.

Speaker 2: 23:11

Take a moment before you move on and let something from this conversation settle in. Not as pressure, but as a small step you want to carry into your week. Maybe it's giving yourself more room before taking new advice or leaning towards a voice. That's earned a place in your life. Whatever rises to the surface, let it steady you. And if you want to keep processing or need a place to sort your thoughts, you can always reach us at contact@theparentingpodcast.com. Thanks for being here with me today. Let's keep going together.