The Glue You Don’t See Working | Ep. 194

Some of the most influential parts of family life don’t stand out while we’re building them. This episode looks at how traditions quietly hold families together—and why meaning matters more than appearance when deciding what we pass on.

Transcript

Christie: 0:00

all of those things blur together and the tradition is kind of the glue that kept the long-term memories intact.

Speaker 2: 0:09

When our kids are grown, what will they actually remember? It's a question I still carry, maybe even more now that my kids are all adults, because time gives you perspective, not

0:25

always certainty. Most of parenting happens in the ordinary,

Speaker 2: 0:29

unnoticed parts of daily life. But today's conversation looks at how traditions can be intentionally woven into that fabric and the influence they have in shaping family life. We talk honestly about pressure limited resources and what changes when meaning matters more than appearances. I'm Cheryl Lange. And you're listening to the Parenting podcast.

Cheryl A: 1:09

Well listeners, welcome back and we have two friends in here with us, um, to process a really fun subject and one is Andrea Soltani. Andrea, welcome back. Thank you. She was here a few weeks ago and then. Not new to TPP, but new to the recording room, we have Joanne Crawford. Joanne, welcome. Thank you. I'm glad to be here. Love having you. And of course we've got Christie, just old Christie. Good old Christie. She is the glue that holds us all together. Yes. I, I just kind of need Christie in my life to walk around behind me and say, Cheryl, you forgot this. Oh my goodness. Remember, do this for that grandson. Go back And So I need one of those. Yeah. wouldn't it be It nice? I'd love to have a personal assistant yes, to help me with everything. Okay. So first tell our audience a little bit something about yourself,

Andrea: 1:59

okay. So my name is Andrea Soltani and I am married. I have four kids, and my husband and I own a music school. So I'm a music teacher at heart. I'm a cellist first.

Cheryl: 2:10

And so that's Soltani Music School.

Andrea: 2:12

Yeah.

Cheryl: 2:13

Nice. And so if you listen to us regularly, Andrea was in here a few weeks ago talking about music and how important it is and, uh. You mentioned something that I'll tell you in a minute. Yes. And that's why you're back in here. Yes. Okay. Joanne, tell our audience a little bit, about you.

Joanne: 2:28

Okay. So I am, Joanne Crawford and I'm married. I have three, uh, children, one at home and two, that are in college. And, I am a personal trainer here in Edmond, Oklahoma. And, I'm a native new Mexican, but I've been in Oklahoma now for over 20. Five years at least.

Cheryl: 2:47

Okay, so that kind of makes you adopted Oklahoman, right? Definitely. Yeah. Yeah. And see that Christie personal trainer, I would love her to come in here and help us learn about that. Wouldn't that be great? Yeah. So sure. That'd be great. Both for our kids and for us. That'd be awesome. Okay, so when Andrea is here, just something in our conversation, and if y'all don't remember, Andrea is our resident researcher. So it's so much fun. We can, say so Andrea, what does science say about that? Yeah. Yes. So she mentioned traditions and how science and studies have said some things about traditions. Do you remember the study I'm talking about that you mentioned? Okay. I do. Yeah. Tell our audience,'cause that's what I want us to talk about. Here we are in the Christmas season and there are traditions big and small, and I just thought, wow, this is important. It's not just a personal bias. What do studies tell us?

Andrea: 3:44

there have been multiple studies done, I think dozens probably. But the one that I was looking at in particular was looking at the psychological and emotional effects of tradition and routine for children. Mm-hmm. And so routines are very important. So that creates a lot of safety for kids, right. And for families to have predictable things built into their routines. So whether that's, we have a bedtime routine and it goes the same way every single night, or. Whatever it is. Every Wednesday we go to Chick-fil-A or what, you know, just creating some consistency that helps. Kids be more resilient. Mm. But they were also distinguishing the difference between routines and traditions. Wow. So traditions would be some like things that are, um, special. Right. So you don't do them every single day. It's not a day in, day out thing. It's just. Special thing. So maybe it's a Christmas tradition or it's a summer tradition. Uhhuh like every, you know, every labor day we go to the lake house or whatever it is. It doesn't, it doesn't matter. Um, they can be big traditions, they can be small traditions and how that. Affected children's, um, like actually the whole family unit's emotional closeness. Wow. So it strengthened their emotional bonds and it also helped them kind of create a sense of shared identity within the family. Mm. Um, and. Lastly, they mentioned that grown children, when they reflect back on their childhood, even though the routines are the things that as parents, we pour the most of our energy into, right? Mm-hmm. And we think so much about them. Like, okay, I've gotta do this, I've gotta do that. I've gotta do the grocery shopping. We've gotta make dinner this night, do this. And the other. Like, we're constantly just go, go, go, go, go. Mm-hmm. Trying to maintain these routines, but they actually found that the traditions. Those were the things that kids actually remembered as adults more than anything. So those interesting stood out to them in their memory as the most special and most significant parts of their childhood, if that makes

Cheryl: 5:44

sense. Wow. It really does. That is so powerful. I know. Interesting. Mm-hmm. Because I'm listening to you and thinking. Uh,'cause now I see the connection mm-hmm.'Cause there are all kinds of studies Yes. About even though children don't want the structure, how structure and routine

Christie: 6:01

mm-hmm.

Cheryl A: 6:01

makes kids feel safe. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You know, we brush our teeth and then we do this and we put up our toys, that actually how beneficial it is. And you're right I didn't think about that a tradition is just, uh, a routine that you do on a special occasion. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Right. Wow. Right. So let me ask you all like initially, if I say tradition or you say, Yeah, I love tradition, or I'm not a tradition person. Oh, I love tradition. I, I love it. Almost to a fault. I mean, I'm, I'm a safety security rhythms kind of person. Um, and. I think I say to a fault, I guess. I mean my kids would say to a fault, I think I'm just the right amount.

Cheryl: 6:44

We don't know.'cause those psychologists that would Right. Study them in a few years, we might find out That's true.

Christie: 6:50

Those are the most important things. Yes. Mm-hmm. Yes. Um, yeah, we were actually just talking about this over Thanksgiving because my kids are now adults, so they're starting to realize how much work holidays are and one of my girls asked, do you enjoy all of this? Like, she's starting to see how much work goes into it. And I said, I absolutely do. I really do. And she said, okay, well it's a lot of work. Mm-hmm. I think she was wanting me to relieve her guilt, you know, like not helping as much or, but um, yeah, and I think they do too. They just. Like you're saying, don't realize it yet. Yeah. They're still a little bit young. Yes.

Cheryl: 7:27

They feel old to you, but they're still young as adults. Right. Joanne, what about you?

Joanne: 7:31

Yeah, um, like Christie said, I I love traditions. Um, my family traditions were very, very important growing up. Um, and in just reflecting on this topic, it got me thinking about how, um. Because we had traditions, like I feel like my family, my siblings and I, and my, my dad now, we're so close, I think because of the traditions and we were able to weather, uh, the divorce of my parents when I was a young adult. Mm-hmm. But they were kind of, the ties that bound us together. And so, wow. It really has been important to me to make sure to, I implement them with my own family. I also just love, you know, cultures and all of that. And if you think about cultures throughout human history have all had. Unique traditions that that's true., That, you know, gave people their identity and their sense of belonging. Mm-hmm. And so, uh, really, I just, I'm trying to cultivate like our family culture by implementing traditions that are unique to us. I love that. Well, this

Cheryl: 8:31

is, this is an encouragement to me. Because I tend to be a practical person, except I really care about the big long-term goals and, and philosophy and values. I just end up being kind of practical. And so I love hearing from you all, and particularly because I did a lot of my parenting as a widowed mom, so there wasn't like this big budget. And so, um. It's encouraging to me to hear that it is strong. Yeah. And it does matter. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And that that's what they remember. Maybe not all the dirty dishes and mm-hmm. All the work, but that in their adulthood they get strength and security. Because we did traditions.

Christie: 9:18

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I love that. Well, you said something about budget and I think, you know, we all have resources that we have an abundance and we have resources that we maybe don't. Time money. Um, just family circumstances can all be different and I think it's easy to. To lean into our weaknesses and think, oh, I can't do those things right because I don't have a lot of time. Mm-hmm. Or I don't have a lot of money, or our family is spread out in different locations, or whatever the case might be. My husband worked in in town seven days, or he was home for seven days and gone for seven days. When, when your children were, when my children were young and looking back. There were a lot of things. I was like, oh, why do that? Dad's not home. You know? It was easy to want to just kind of throw things by the wayside. Um, and looking back, I'm glad we still stayed consistent with those because now they don't remember when dad was there when he wasn't. We just have these blurred memories. But yeah, all of those things blur together and, and the tradition is kind of the glue that kept the long-term memories intact.

Cheryl: 10:26

Mm-hmm. So I'm listening to you. I'm going. Do you like read Inside My brain sometimes because of the being this practical kind of person and then. Y you are a musician, an artist, and beauty and creativity, and the cookies you can make. All the things you make are so beautiful and you do it easily. So I'm the one going, yeah, but I can't. Do all of that. I, I don't do Beautiful. Very well. You know, and the budget was limited, so see, I'm that parent maybe out there listening, going, but I don't have all the resources you all have. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But I'm so thankful for what I did and also that. Um, I can invest what I have. Yes. I don't have to be somebody that I'm not, right? Mm-hmm. Definitely. And so it's very encouraging to me, but I think it's about

Andrea: 11:18

time invested, right? Yeah. It's not really about how well you do something.'cause I'm, I'm not good at a lot of things, right? Mm-hmm. But like, one tradition that we've had for a long time is that we throw a little, um, kids Valentine's Day party. And when we do that, we get all the kids together. And I've done this with my best friends for. 10 or 13 years. And, um, we let the kids decorate cookies, and I can tell you for sure those are not pretty, but it's fun and they make a big mess. And that's the tradition, that's the memory, is we, we decorate Valentine's Day cookies, so it doesn't have to be, you know, I mean, and if you can come up with, if you have a tradition of. Okay. Taking your whole family ice skating and you have the budget to do that, and that's what you do every year, right? Then great. But also if it's like. We may hot chocolate on Christmas Eve or something that's also Yes. Mm-hmm. Special, because it's about the time that is invested. Right. And the slowing down of that routine and the rhythm. Right. So,

Cheryl: 12:18

see, this is ministering to me because we're talking about traditions and I think, oh wow, we didn't go ice skating and we didn't, you know? Mm-hmm. Like even mm-hmm. Mean. It is gonna sound kind of funny, but you see people send their Christmas cards out or they post on social media or they talk about it like you did forever. Everybody gets a new set of pajamas every Christmas. Mm-hmm. And it's so fun. And we all open them up. Mm-hmm. We all wear them. Well, I'm telling you, y'all, there were a lot of years where that would've been really a financial sacrifice that was not important. Mm-hmm. And so I had to weigh the cost of. All of that. Do I wanna put the money

Cheryl A: 12:59

intro Christmas pajamas? So see? Mm-hmm. I felt like a second class parent, in this. Mm-hmm. That I couldn't do all of those. But what you're saying, and I knew it intellectually, I'm just being really transparent here. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I'm going, oh. Because I did give time to my children. Yes, yes. And I engaged with them and I made it fun. I just couldn't invest the money. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And so. There was a lie down inside of me. Oh, here we are, Christie, you know, in our own little counseling session. I know as

Christie: 13:30

always,

Cheryl: 13:31

but to say there was, there's a thing inside of me going, wow, I didn't do all of that.

Christie: 13:36

Yeah. And it's just that a lie. I mean, it's, it's, mm-hmm. I'm thinking of one tradition that my dad gave us. I don't even think he meant to, but every year during the Thanksgiving, if you're from Oklahoma, you'll understand this. If you aren't, you won't. But every year during the Thanksgiving parade, when the BC Clark jingle comes on, he would call us all in. And that was the beginning of the holiday season in our family. And it's. Still is today. I mean, it's every year somebody will text it on the group chat, you know, it's usually me. But, um, it, it's, it marks something because that, that's something I've had in my family, so that wasn't even something we purchased or uh, needed time. It was just like, oh, it's on, you know, something we anchored to every year.

Cheryl A: 14:21

Thinking about what, Both of you said, That links her father who's been gone what, three, four? Three? Yeah.

Christie: 14:28

Three or four years. Almost four years, I think. Yeah.

Cheryl: 14:29

And so he's been gone. And then he will be a memory and a story to your grandchildren. Right? And then kind of fade in everyone's memory except he's kept alive, right? Mm-hmm. In your heart. Yeah. By this little tradition. And then sometime rhythm says, so why do we. Get excited about hearing that song. Why does it matter? And you go, oh, that's called Poppy. Mm-hmm. And then she is linked to the great grandfather that she never knew. That's true. Yeah. Wow. We're doing our own research here. They're, yeah.

Joanne: 14:59

They're just really sweet little anchor points in life that connect us to our past, our ancestors, where we came from. So I like that.

Cheryl: 15:09

I just felt a lot of pressure when it came to me, have you ever felt pressure in the area of traditions particularly? This time of year. Yeah. I'd

Christie: 15:19

love to hear from Andrea about parenting in this era of social media with the pressure. I'm millennial. You're a resident. Millennial.

Andrea: 15:26

Yes. Um, yeah, it's so hard because I mean,

Cheryl: 15:29

how can you separate traditions This era of social media. Yes. And influencers and TikTok.

Andrea: 15:36

Yeah. It's so hard, right? Because. You're just trying to like relax and you even for 30 seconds, scroll through whatever and you're all of a sudden like, oh yeah, that is a great idea, Uhhuh. Oh, that is so beautiful. And especially I am, like you mentioned, I'm very affected by like the aesthetic value of things. Like I want everything to be beautiful and with four kids actually that. That's not always possible. Sometimes things are, they can be beautiful, but they're also really messy. And so I think comparison is the thief of joy. Mm-hmm. We all know that to be true. Okay. Right? Mm-hmm. Um, and so I think the more you can just try to separate it and just focus on what you have to give, it's like you as a parent, you know how to give your child good gifts. I really made me tear up hearing Cheryl. Huh. Say that like, you know, there were years where like she would've loved to have given all of her five kids Christmas pajamas the night before Christmas. Like, that would've been great, but that was a financial strain on you and it wasn't possible. But I think like to remind everyone and remind ourselves that when you love your kids and you know your kids, you know how to give them good gifts. It doesn't matter what it is. And it doesn't matter how much it costs, right? It's about the intention behind the gift. Mm-hmm.

Cheryl: 16:52

Mm-hmm. But in this era, you have got to turn those voices down.

Andrea: 16:56

It's so hard. Yeah. Yeah. You really do. I've heard from so many influencers and people that I've actually met in person who have said like, oh yeah. It's not real. None of it's real. Yeah. And just not forget that we can take inspiration from it, like I would from a catalog or something back in the nineties. Mm-hmm. But you can't view it as like, this is their real life. It's. It's just like a little snippet and they're living in all that chaos as well. Right? Well, like there's

Cheryl: 17:24

a true make it a standard of living.

Andrea: 17:25

Right? They're not living every single day like that.

Cheryl: 17:27

Do y'all know who Julia Child is? I mean, she was the she chef. Yes. I love her. I mean she's way before Martha Stewart, everything. Yes. And she's on her Uhhuh

Cheryl A: 17:35

thing Presenting, and they have a picture from the side and they're like eight people. Like in the Muppets, they're like eight people behind. Oh yeah. Behind the counter. Yeah, behind the counter. Handing her each of the things and doing all the work! yes. And that's what all the influencers are doing.

Andrea: 17:51

Yeah. I love those two talks. Talks where they say, for every room that looks like this, they pan to their gorgeous living room that's perfectly decorated. And they say, there's a room that looks like this, or there's a corner that looks like this. And they pan around Uhhuh and it's just, you know, Amazon box. Yeah. And trash and chaos. And you're like, okay, yeah. That is what my, what my group looks like or whatever. So yeah.

Joanne: 18:11

There is a really cute old movie called Christmas in Connecticut.. It's a favorite tradition that we like to watch with my dad when we go visit him. Aw. Um, and it's a black and white movie, but It is so ahead of its time, um, because it's about a woman who is writing for a new, uh, magazine and she has this beautifully curated life on a, a farmhouse, and she makes everything from scratch, but in reality, she's a single woman living in like New York City. And so I love watching this movie so anyways, it's cute. So if you have a chance. To watch it. I highly recommend it. It's

Cheryl: 18:47

like you say, way before it time, it's a black and white. Yeah. That's exactly what

Christie: 18:50

Andrea's talking about. Yes.

Joanne: 18:51

Right. And so that's what this is all about.

Christie: 18:53

And that can give us comfort too, that it's a tale as old as time of comparison, Uhhuh and trying to keep up with some image that we've created in our minds.

Cheryl: 19:01

And also something you mentioned, Andrea, and, and we've got to close. We're out of time, but um. Making that perfectly beautiful. Everything. And having children in your home. Yeah. Are you doing it for the tradition? You know, I, I knew someone a friend in high school and they had this. Gorgeous home. And whenever I would go over there. Wow. And and then in college, he said, yeah, but you don't know. We were never allowed to get on the sofa. Mm-hmm. And we were never allowed to touch the Christmas tree.'Cause I have the

Cheryl A: 19:36

most eclectic Christmas trees ever, and particularly now with grandchildren, I let them help decorate. Mm-hmm. So my Christmas trees are like. Between, uh, down at the bottom to about three feet is heavily decorated. But I do it because they're having so much joy. Mm-hmm. So I'm doing it for them rather than mm-hmm. Me curating my beautiful mm-hmm. Christmas tree. Mm-hmm. Right, right. So just that's a trap Yes. Is the, the aesthetic of it mm-hmm. That we're curating for some unseen audience or something. Mm-hmm. Rather than our family.

Andrea: 20:10

Right, right. I think for me too, one thing that's helped me grow and mature in the last maybe 10 years since I've, you know, become a parent and things like that.'cause I do love tradition and I love, like, I'm very sentimental. Like I wanna inherit all the things. I don't wanna let things go and I want things to stay the same. That's kind of you know, where my personality trends, I think.'cause I'm realizing not everybody feels that way actually. Right. But one thing that has helped me is just kind of like what you said, reevaluating what's behind the tradition. What does the tradition point to? Yeah. Right's. Good. So like my son who is three, he's having a really hard time this year'cause he wants. The Christmas surprises, and he's queued into the fact that there are maybe Christmas surprises that are arriving from Amazon every day. So every single day he brings me the Amazon package. Mama, can you open this for me? Can we open it? I just wanna see what's in. I'm like, Nope. It might be Christmas surprises. And he's like, but they're for me and I wanna open. I'm like, Nope, there might be for somebody else. You know? So I'm trying to like teach him that, you know, you can't open them. And so he knows what's going on. Um, but anyway, I keep telling him Christmas. Is about waiting patiently and expectantly.

Christie: 21:22

Very good. We have

Andrea: 21:24

to, he probably doesn't know what I'm talking about. I keep saying it anyway, right? Like, nope. We have to wait. We have to learn how to wait. We have to learn how to be patient. Mm. And then it's gonna be so fun when we open all of our gifts on E it. Right? But so reminding your children, but also reminding yourself. Like, what is this tradition pointing to? Why am I doing it right? Right.

Christie: 21:45

Yeah, well, even you saying that you, you could easily create a tradition out of saying that, you know, that could be something they remember their mother saying throughout the years. Actually.

Cheryl: 21:57

I mean, Christmas, there's a reason for Christmas. Right. You know, the big reason for Christmas. Right. And it was about expectancy and about a gift that was being given. Right. So the real reason for Christmas.

Christie: 22:09

No. That's why I teared up. You said that because he thinks you're talking about the presents love, but you're not. Yeah. Right.

Andrea: 22:16

And I think also, you know, I think the original tradition of giving gifts was to emulate the gifts that were given mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. On the first Christmas. Mm-hmm. Right? And so, um, ultimately as they get older, reminding them of that, like, it's actually better to give than to receive. Mm-hmm. That's a super hard lesson to learn as a toddler, but Right. Right.

Cheryl: 22:35

Mm-hmm.

Andrea: 22:35

Um, so every holiday has something, an underlying focus, something that points towards, right. So like whether it's independence or mm-hmm. Thankfulness. Mm-hmm. And gratefulness for what we have or whatever it may be. Or for, for those who have gone before us, who have served our country well. Mm-hmm. There's always an underlying true spirit of the holiday the reason why we slow down. Is to consider those things. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I think we can remind ourselves as well

Cheryl: 23:05

that

Andrea: 23:05

is Yeah. As parents, that it's not about, did I do this Instagram perfect. Mm-hmm. You know, Christmas tree or whatever. It's about slowing down. That is fantastic. Yeah. And

Cheryl: 23:16

That's what I would tell our audience to take away from this is think about the value and the purpose behind traditions big and small, as you're enjoying it. And does this particular tradition, play out the value I want to have mm-hmm. Occur in our family, and I want to develop And like arthur at three goes, mom, you're blocking it. But look at what, at 3-year-old and then four, and then 10, and then 12, and then 20 and 30. Mm-hmm. He's gonna have all that value in his heart. That's the whole thing when he is long forgotten the broken toy. Well that's excellent. Love it. Thank you so much.

Christie: 23:55

I would love to keep talking about this because I do love traditions so much. Could we do, could we come back and talk about, like, I would love to hear y'all's traditions and your families of origin, your families now that is a great, I don't wanna stop is basically what I'm,

Cheryl: 24:09

huh? Alright, so let's do that. Will y'all come back and let's talk more about tradition? Absolutely. I love that. Definitely. Oh great. So. In the spirit of tradition, I'll close with parents. Remember, hang in there. Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.

Speaker: 24:28

Traditions matter because they're powerful but not on their own. They become a kind of glue holding families together over time because of the meaning and values they carry. The tradition itself is just the vehicle. What really lasts is what it points to. So it's worth slowing down to ask if what we're building reflects what we hope to pass on, not whether it looks impressive or translates well online. I hope this conversation helped you to see your traditions through that lens. I'm so glad you are a part of us. You can always reach us at contact@theparentingpodcast.com. As we close out this season, Christie and I and all of the parenting podcast want to wish you a very meaningful Christmas one shaped by unhurried time together, and moments that bring real joy. And the chance to take it in. We'll be stepping away for a couple of weeks to do the same with our own families and the people we love, and we're looking forward to being back with you as we begin a new year here together at The Parenting Podcast. Until then, keep showing up.. And keep choosing what matters because it really is worth it. Merry Christmas y'all and Happy New Year.