When a New Year Isn’t a Reset | Ep. 195

The calendar changed, but life didn’t reset. Four women talk honestly about growth, pressure, and parenting without the illusion of starting over.

Transcript

Speaker 0:02

Welcome to a new year. And welcome back to the Parenting podcast. We stepped away from the mic for a bit over the holidays and spent time with our people, and it feels really good to be back at the table with you. And as we're easing into January, there are a few of us here talking. Honestly. About the pull of fresh starts, the pressure to be different and what it actually looks like to keep growing as moms and as people, how real life keeps moving. I'm Cheryl Lang and I'm really glad you're here with us.

Cheryl 0:48

Well, ladies, happy New Year. Happy Happy

0 0:51

New Year.

Cheryl 0:52

How can you believe 2026 feels like the future? Wow. Yeah, I mean. When was back to the future, those movies. What year were those in? I don't know. I think

Christie 1:04

you've already passed those years. Actually, 2005 or

Cheryl 1:07

something like that.

Candace 1:09

We Futuristic living right now. No

Cheryl 1:11

flying cars. So this is like all those other sci-fi movies. This is like when they were supposed to all be happening. Yeah. The Jetsons. Uh,

Candace 1:20

anybody remember Jetsons? The Jetsons living way up in the sky. Oh

Cheryl 1:24

my goodness. I'm really excited that we're starting a new calendar year for TPP here, and we have two retreads back in here, uh, Candace, Newport and Candace. You. Came early. I mean like, I don't know, it might've been like our fifth episode or something a long time ago. This was

Candace 1:44

really early on. Yeah.

Cheryl 1:45

Well, welcome and thanks for having me back. And what's exciting about Kansas' is. What, two more babies since then. So this is your fourth?

Candace 1:52

Yeah. Well, no, I was pregnant with Claire when I was here. Wow. Yeah,

Cheryl 1:56

And Leslie Whittington, Leslie won't call herself a specialist, but we call her all things reading and teaching. Yes. In-house

Christie 2:03

expert and learning.

Cheryl 2:05

Yeah. No, welcome. Thank you for coming back, Leslie.

Leslie 2:08

You are. Welcome, ma'am. Thank you.

Cheryl 2:10

All right, so with the. Dawning of a new year. There's always the new year resolutions. Yes. You know, I'm just wondering, are you like a New Year's resolution person and you go, okay, here, I'm gonna do this, or you write it all out, or you get a word for the year. Were you big on that in the past? Have you ever had any radical different things you were gonna do? So

Candace 2:34

what? I'm big on the New Year's resolution. Okay. I always, every year I have three that I like to do. I like to know, like have something physical.

0 2:44

Mm-hmm.

Candace 2:44

Have something, uh, emotional.

0 2:46

Mm-hmm.

Candace 2:47

Spiritual and mental, like something to challenge each area of my life. I love that. And it sometimes is really challenging. Wow. Especially right now, like trying to come up with some way to challenge that part of your life. Yeah. It's a lot to put on Your physical is

Christie 3:01

to give birth this year. Yes. Yes. There we go.

Cheryl 3:03

Birth a child. Yes. And how successful have you been?

Candace 3:09

I don't think I have ever completed a year where I have successfully carried out even one of those through the whole year. I love it. It it, there's always a growth uhhuh that comes from it. Uhhuh, but it's never something that's completed. But does

Christie 3:23

that feel. Like, do you have realistic expectations when you set these goals, knowing, okay, we're gonna make some progress, but maybe not in December, looking back and checking all the boxes? I think in the beginning, I, I was a little

Candace 3:36

bit harder on myself, but as I've aged and grown mm-hmm. I feel like I, I have the expectation, like this is just a challenge and to help me grow closer. This direction. Right. But like knowing full well, yeah. There's not gonna be a completion like a little gold star at the end on my paperwork. That's so good.

Leslie 3:54

Not not mastery.

Cheryl 3:56

Yes. Either of you. Are y'all a New Year's resolution person? Well,

Christie 3:59

yes, but I, I've kind of tended. Just love a new start and I'm okay with a new start anytime in the year. Oh, that's true. So January just kind of happens to be quarter one, you know, and we'll talk again in March and see what's going on then. But yeah, I, I love a, a new, new notebook and a new calendar and a fresh start Yeah. That I do enjoy.

Cheryl 4:20

Yeah. And you know, Christie knows that this is the 15th year that I've kept a five year journal, so it's little tiny diary. This is different from journaling and so I'm just telling everybody, if you get one, start it and just have the habit.'cause it's so much fun to know and to look back and to see where I've come and what was happening this time last year or wow, five years ago, remember that's when you had your surgery or Right. It's just amazing how life accumulates.

Leslie 4:55

So you're talking about just the entry? Just the one, the line line. A day? The

Cheryl 4:58

The five lines a day. Yes.

Leslie 5:00

So I actually got those for presents a couple of years ago, but I've never kept one. But that is one of my intentions this year is I wanna keep one. Because I think that would be, I wanna be able to look back. Five years used to sound like a long time when my kids were in school. Exactly. And now it's not as far off. Right. It's

Cheryl 5:16

nothing. In fact, what I do is if I'm gonna say, oh, that was like five years ago, I always go, oh, that was 10 years ago, Uhhuh, because six years ago was COVID. Yes. Right. Okay. So everything. Predates that. Yeah. And if you're going to get one of these, get a hard back. Mm-hmm. Because the paperbacks won't last. So I'm just saying FYI.

Leslie 5:35

So talking about resolutions. I've tried some different things. I've tried the word of the year and we did that for a few years and, um, and I, I. You know, it lasts until February maybe. Wow. That's good. And I've done, um, resolutions and things like that, but But because I did feel like a lot of times it did feel like I'm setting myself up for failure mm-hmm. Kind of thing. Mm-hmm. Just like, okay, here I am, I'm failing again. Mm-hmm. Um, so I've really been leaning into. The word intentions. Mm. What do I want? What's the purpose? And then having action with it, but what do I want? What do I want my life to be like? What do I want more of in my life?

Candace 6:12

Yeah. The outcome's good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Focus on rather than the doing part. Right. Keep.

Cheryl 6:19

Completely,

Cheryl A 6:20

however, In families, sometimes if somebody has a resolution, we all get pulled into it, right? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And I will say one of the ones, it was a little hard, is a few years ago, two of my kids are here, they're singles, but we're all in each other's lives. They went vegan. Okay, good. Now I'm all about nutrition and, and a, a lot of us are, did that too. A lot of us are plant-based in our family. Yes. But vegan takes it to a whole new level, so that means everything. We cook anytime we're together., No dairy products. Uhhuh, I love cheese so hard. Oh, no eggs,

Christie 6:58

honey.

Cheryl 6:59

None Uhhuh. Okay. Actually, they're not supposed to eat. Dates or figs? One of them. Oh, it's the figs. Because there's something in figs that the wasps or something, a wasp die. It was hard. Mm-hmm. And then you get to the holidays and no butter in Oh, nothing. Anyway, so I didn't like the vegan resolution. That was hard.

Christie 7:20

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 7:21

Um. That is

Christie 7:22

true though, what your spouse or your family, the people you do life with, very often their new habits and their intentions often affect us as well. Which, but I, good, bad,

Leslie 7:34

or

Christie 7:34

ugly.

Leslie 7:34

And I think that's a good example of being, being vegan that is so all-encompassing. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And, and I think that's kind of a lot of times how we set our. Our resolutions, and they're all encompassing and we can't keep'em up.

Candace 7:47

Right. With the people around us. It's overwhelming. Yeah. It's overwhelming. Well, and Leslie, that's why I like what you said about intentions, because when you're thinking about being a parent

0 7:55

mm-hmm. And mm-hmm.

Candace 7:57

Thinking about your children, whether grown or young mm-hmm. Watching you make these resolutions. Right. What is the intention? Mm-hmm. What is the outcome you wanna see and what, what does that do for your personal growth? Yeah. How you feel about that moving forward, right when you fail. Yeah. In front of them. Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 8:13

Right. What a great thing we talk about here. Failing in front of your children is one of the best gifts you can give them. Mm-hmm. Because then they don't have to think, wow, I have to do everything perfectly. Mm-hmm. If we fail, well mm-hmm. You have to fail. Well, I'm really good at failing, so I've learned at, well, and that's, I've kind of improved in how well I failed. Failing is

Leslie 8:32

growth, right? I mean, when I work with kids, I always remind them that. You didn't just get up and start walking, like you had to fall down and you had to get up and Yeah. And I think the growth part comes when you keep getting up. Mm-hmm. You keep walking. Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 8:45

Okay. Along with this, let me ask questions., It's, we're going into this new year of how we approach it and so forth. So when you hear the words Fresh Start or New Year, how does that feel to you and what we've kind of

Cheryl A 8:59

talked about here do you have something. Different that you feel about this year compared to your past? Because remember, life is a process and unlike when you travel, you put your luggage on the plane and you don't have to even go pick it up. It could just keep going round and round on those carousels. the issue is we bring all of our lives with us, into all the new things. Mm-hmm. So as you look into Fresh Start or New Year, how does that feel to you? Or, how are you doing it? When you look back on what was last year? We would all love to be transformed into this wonderful person that we would like to be this year. Mm-hmm. Okay. How do y'all feel about, mm-hmm. A new year, fresh start. Intentions.

Christie 9:47

I think one thing I've been noticing over the last couple of years is, so i'll, I'm 46, right? Yeah. 46. Um, all of my kids are, are grown and adults, and I'm looking back, realizing that for many, many years in my twenties, thirties, I felt like the new year or whatever turning point I was marking felt like it was. Live or die, make or break. Like, oh yeah, okay, this is where things are gonna get better. This is when I'm gonna be disciplined working out. This is when I'm gonna be disciplined with, you know, reading all the good books. This all the things. This is the beginning of my new life. My new life. Yeah. New year, new me. And what are realize, yes.

Cheryl 10:28

Instead of picking that luggage up, off the,

Cheryl A 10:30

carousels, You just bought new luggage, new airport, everything is Lululemon in there and you fit it all.

Christie 10:37

And I think what I'm feeling recently, maybe. Certainly this year, maybe the last couple of years is I'm feeling more of a course correct. Like a Okay. More of a reevaluation than a resolution. Mm-hmm. Where I'm just saying, mm-hmm. I wonder what's gonna happen this year. I wonder what intentionally, like you were saying, Leslie, but I wonder what. Things will develop in me through the course of this year with these new habits I might be inviting in or refocusing on things. And so it just feels more gracious to myself. I

Cheryl 11:09

love that

Christie 11:09

less, um, dependent on my behaviors being the end all, be all for who I'm gonna be the rest of my days. Is that making sense? Yes. Oh, very much so.

Leslie 11:18

Yes. And I do think because I'm in a similar space as you are, um, I won't say my age, but over 50. Um, and both of my kids are grown. I've got grandchildren now and seeing them I do too, for the record.

Cheryl 11:32

And she's absolutely adorable. And we haven't even seen a picture today.

Christie 11:36

Oh, we, I will show you, I promise.

Leslie 11:38

Okay, good. There'll be one before the day's. True.

Christie 11:39

Yes.

Leslie 11:40

Um. But I think, I think there's a space in time for that now. And looking back to when they were younger and going through, there are ages and stages that it's been harder to be as reflective. Mm-hmm. Right. Because those ages are so limited, you know, they're only gonna be, you know, 10 for a year. Mm-hmm. And they grow up so fast. And so there is a little more of an urgency I think, when you're younger, um, when your kids are younger too. Make things right while you have them. Right. Um, so I, I see that that's. I'm able to do that now, but it was harder to do that then, if that makes sense. And a

Christie 12:21

desperation you Yeah, some. Some years I needed things to be different. Yeah. I needed to turn a corner of some kind and so maybe a little more desperation. Yeah. What about you, Candace?

Candace 12:31

I feel like similar to you at Grace was actually one of my words that I. Holding onto for this year. And I think I am 41 and about to have a baby. So even though I could have grown children, um, just this new life that's coming into our family, recognizing how quickly the last year has gone has given me an appreciation for. For the learning process of becoming more of who I am as an individual person rather than just a mom. Mm. But like, allowing my children to speak that into me. And, and in that is allowing grace, right? Mm-hmm. Is the failures over and over Wow. And acknowledging them in front of my kids. Yes, absolutely. Mm-hmm. And so I, I have not done that. I would not say well at this point, but I, I do recognize the need for it and I'm. Constantly moving forward. That, and so having that grace for this year would be my big.

Cheryl 13:24

Mm-hmm. You know, and you said the word desperation. The thing is, I felt desperation when they're little because of the intensity. Mm-hmm. Because you're so neat. It's so physical. Yes. It's, you are just moving and blowing and going and you're, we've gotta get this under control. But a lot of it, what we're looking at are the trappings. Right. Okay. Of the, we've gotta get our mornings down a little more organized. We're just at, we're late every time we go somewhere. And I would say as they age and particularly late teens, twenties,

Cheryl A 14:00

but, I figured. Reasonably well the huge percentage of my life that's already passed, and I have a shrinking Opportunity here. I want to invest it. Well, and so I would say invest would be a word that I would bring in that I want to invest. Because if I go back and, you know, we talked about the diaries and the journals and all that, and even my journals, so much of it, I was focused, okay, this time I'm not gonna do it. Mm. I'm going to change. And I'm always going to reflect before I speak. Okay. Failure, failure, failure, failure. Because I didn't have the capacity to make that kind of a change. I had to do it incrementally. Mm-hmm. You know, and now I'm realizing. Everyone around me is not so impacted by what I do, but who I am.

0 14:52

Mm-hmm. Yes.

Cheryl 14:53

Okay. It really is true. Mm-hmm. How can I work on me and changing and, uh. Our family just here radically in just a little about a year. Two of my children that have all of my grandchildren, so six grandchildren, two sets of married children, they lived internationally and overseas. And in the last year they've now come back. So now I have all of my grandchildren here. Um, all of my children, I tell everybody with a big smile actually live in the same time zone. Wow. And that's been over a decade. Mm-hmm.

Cheryl A 15:28

since I had that But that brings with it pros and cons and Yes. Different relationships and all of that sort of thing. And I need to be on my game to be. Who I'm supposed to be. Mm-hmm. Not what I'm supposed to do. Mm-hmm. If that makes sense.

Candace 15:43

Mm-hmm. Oh, go ahead. Oh, well, what I was gonna ask you, Cheryl,'cause you mentioned this when you were talking, is I, I just need to have this season under control. I just need to ha get this morning routine. But did that ever, I mean if you, looking back, if you were to have that morning routine under control or have this part of your life, you know, clearly Yeah. Clearly functioning. Would that have changed anything or is it that the messiness of that life and being present in that, would that have made more change mm-hmm. In your life? Like, that's my big question.'cause I'm in that messiness. Okay. I'm in the chaos.

Cheryl 16:19

Yes. And yes. Okay. For example, think of the messiest closet in your house or your pantry, whatever it is, your garage. Now, some of you may have it all organized. Okay? We can't find anything because just physically it was messy. It. If we took some time and'cause I found out decluttering and having a container for things is actually the way to stay on top of it. Mm-hmm. Okay. So going through and getting rid of, and that sort of a process is a really wise process. It actually helped us to start staying on top of our physical environment. Mm-hmm. We never got on top of it, but we approached it. Okay. And when we did that, actually it helped because I wanted the changes for the benefit of our family. I really did care. And when it's a wreck and nobody can find their shoes and it's time to get out and all of that, actually some incremental changes in our environment. Helped. Mm-hmm. But it wasn't the environment that it helped, it helped us to flourish better as people for just getting out of the house. That if we actually had a place where we kept our shoes mm-hmm. And I could actually have the bandwidth to train my children, that we always put our shoes back here. Um, it helped the family. Mm-hmm. And what was the other side? But if, what was, what was your being

Christie 17:49

present in the chaos in the cast,

Cheryl 17:50

however. If I have to do that and not be present and not be loving and be a commandant that we're gonna put our shoes up and wear your mm-hmm. If I went into that and I made the, the actual, um, actions more important than the people, I've lost everything. Mm-hmm.

Leslie 18:10

Yes. And I think that goes back to what we were talking about with intentions and what do I want from this? What's the. Purpose in, in doing this, because I, I was thinking a similar thought, um, when my kids were young, how much easier our morning was when we laid out the clothes for the night before. Yeah. And sometimes time. Time. Yeah. And sometimes even we did a week at a time for, you know, a little bit. But, um, that those things did help, but it wasn't because I want those things done. Mm-hmm. It wasn't that, it was that, okay, our mornings were so chaotic and we need some. Breathing time here. Yes, we need to be, have less chaos. But I think where we get, um, kind of tripped up is in our perfectionism Yes. Our expectations. Yes.

Candace 18:52

That is what of this

Leslie 18:53

is what it should look like and this is what I want it to look like. And this is what, and we forget the why.

Candace 18:58

Mm-hmm. Yeah. And just'cause it works so great. One morning, right. To not allow the space the next morning when your child who. Maybe had a really hard day at school the day before and in that moment is trying to tell you something. Right? Right. And I, and I've had that experience and so I'm, I'm grateful for those moments when I, when I have prepared the night before. Yes. And can Yes. Have space for that.'cause you really do. And that's, I mean, yes. Yeah. It's having that grace for your kids.

Christie 19:24

Right. The habits and the, um, the control of the situation cannot be the end goal. Right. Those are the things that are serving us. To develop inwardly the patience, the margin for relationships. Being our priority. Yes. Not just the pride of feeling like, oh, my children just danced to their, my clothes in the morning and we all have labeled, you know, days of the week boxes for their shoes. I think

Leslie 19:51

unintentionally, yes.'cause I've done all this things. Sure. And what I love, I'm all about the system. Audio

Cheryl 19:59

podcast, not a video. And two of us pointed at you when you said it going, yes,

Leslie 20:03

this is it. But I, I think the, the key to remember is. Because it's easy for us to get caught up in the external, either our own external, oh, I did that so good. Mm-hmm. Or other people. So I was, I was reflecting on when my kids were really young, I loved just watching them play and interact. Yeah. Like I could, and, and that's where my husband and I were a little bit different. He was like, we should be getting things done. And, you know, and I was like, oh no, let's just, you know, be here and be in the moment. And that was really easy for me at that time and stage. Mm-hmm. But once I started getting into school and we started having assignments, and we started doing all of these external things, it's like I. I started looking at the more external things and forgot to keep looking at them. Wow. If that makes sense. You know, that's good advice. So good. And it's like, oh yeah. Right. That's what I enjoyed about seeing who they are and, and it's, some stages are easier than others. Yeah.

Cheryl 20:58

And life just robs us and it just lies to us all the time. And now we have social media, we have TikTok, we have instant, and we have. All the AI to tell us exactly how to run our lives. Mm-hmm. And how to do it. And the pressure just mounts too much

Candace 21:17

pressure.

Cheryl 21:17

And yeah. Ryan and I

Candace 21:18

were talking about that the other day, just the. The excitement of our kids growing up in this, in this era. And that there are a lot of things that are gonna be made easier and more functional, but that the weight of the pressure that Yes allows for space Yes. To fill that time with other things that mm-hmm. They shouldn't have time for. And so it's just like constantly adding and adding and adding. And so for us to really, truly set that example, like putting the phone down. Oh, turning the screens off. Yes. Having family intentional. Conversation or game night because it's even more value. I mean, as much as I valued that as a kid, I would say even more so. Absolutely. As technology's entering into this. Absolutely. And these kids are, that's all they know. It's so much more important. Yeah. I've been thinking. Yeah, because they're

Leslie 22:04

watching us. I mean, they're watching us as we're doing and Yeah. Yeah.

Christie 22:08

Right. I've been thinking about how fast things are developing and changing in recent years or, you know, maybe even the last 10 years, and, and that's just speeding up. I mean, they're, they're talking about micro generations instead of full, you know, 25 year generations now. And it just gives me a craving for the things that. Are timeless and long lasting and eternal. And that is people mm-hmm. Relationship and that's about it. Yeah. I mean, relat, yeah. That's about all relationship.

Leslie 22:37

Absolutely.

Cheryl 22:38

And you're exactly right. And one of the things that's not timeless is how long this episode can go. So I don't want to stop this conversation. Yeah. Do you all have time to stay and let's do a follow up? Sure. Okay. So. Listeners, what we're gonna do is stop here so you can start investing in the time of your day, and then we're gonna come back and pick up the conversation. All right? I love it. Okay, so parents remember, hang in there. Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.

Speaker 2 23:10

As you head back into your day, I don't think this year is asking you to stay the same or to overhaul everything at once. Most of the real work shows up in the ordinary moments. In how you choose to love, how you listen, and how you stay present when it would be easier to pull back. Parenting has a way of shaping us through those choices over time and often without fanfare. And if you ever want to keep the conversation going or share what you're sorting through,. You can reach us on social media or at contact@theparentingpodcast.com. We're really glad to be in this work alongside you.