Time Isn’t Timeless: Parenting in Real Time | Ep. 196

 Parenting doesn’t happen in resets—it happens in motion. A thoughtful conversation about time, growth, and living well inside the everyday.

Transcript

Cheryl 0:00

And time is not timeless.. We have to live life. In real time. Right. One moment after another.

Speaker 2 0:08

Welcome back to The Parenting Podcast. I'm Cheryl Lang and we're turning the mics back on to continue a conversation we didn't want to rush. Candace Newport and Leslie Whittington are here with Christie and me and we're picking up where we left off last time, talking about the new year in a way that moves beyond resolutions. And into real life. This part of the conversation gets practical, honest, and personal as we talk about living and parenting in real time, and how the ordinary moments can become places of connections, growth and freedom.

Cheryl 1:02

Okay,,, listeners, we're just gonna kind of jump right back into the conversation after we've had a little break here. And Christie, I wanna remind you, you were talking about the things that are timeless. Yeah. Okay. And time is not timeless. We have to live life. In real time. Right. One moment after another. And so kind of explore that.'cause I liked it, we just didn't have the time to jump into that enough. Mm-hmm. Go back to the idea of what's timeless.

Christie 1:29

Yeah, I think you're right. We do have practical, um, needs in our lives that have to be taken care of. You've gotta do the dishes, you've gotta cook the meals, you have to drive the kids places. But the ways that we navigate those things can be, um, Platforms maybe to how we engage with one another in the process of the ins and outs of of life as we're driving, as we're, folding laundry together, as we're getting those, uh, things done, maybe the systems we're trying to create in our homes and in our families can serve us to create. Margin and space in the rest of our lives to prioritize

Christie (2) 2:10

the relationships. you know,

Cheryl 2:12

okay, so gimme an example of what you're talking about.'cause that sounded great.

Christie 2:17

Well, I'll, I, the first thing that comes to mind is something that you talk about doing with your kids and the way that you guys would handle household chores and how fun it was. I've always, I always think about how you guys would have one day of the week that you would clean the house and. Everyone had tasks to take care of, but then at the end of everyone's tasks, you guys had what? Ice cream bars. Okay.

Cheryl 2:40

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. When you have a big family and a limited budget, how are we going to do this? And it is the only real system I ever had that actually worked. Mm-hmm. And so what we did, and I actually have some grandchildren are staying with me for a little bit here, and I said, how about if we do that? And I wrote out things we had to get done and then I put a number system to it. Mm. So that. You could divide up the workload. And so everybody was responsible for a certain number of points. So. Everybody's through at whatever, four 30 here's a thing of ice cream sandwiches. Y'all eat'em. Okay. Anyway, so it was something fun and

Cheryl A 3:22

i appreciated it Because a high value for me is togetherness. Mm-hmm. Let's do this together. Right, right. Building a team, the uhhuh and the way I approached work, I said, why don't we work hard together. so we can play hard together.

Christie 3:35

Right?

Cheryl 3:35

Mm-hmm. And

Christie 3:35

What I love about that is, yeah, you, you could have written a check and had somebody come in and do all the chores, you know? Yeah. Somebody could do that. But the togetherness is building that family unity. It's, it's teaching good work ethic and establishing, um, a contribution to the family. Yeah. But. Those are, I mean, I'm sure your kids have memories of that and, and they got to know each other's personalities and who did the one pointers and who did the 10 pointers. And so I think there can be a lot of ways that we can. Double dip in things like that.

Candace 4:07

Yeah. I think that allows for space to slow down too. Mm-hmm.'cause I don't think we do that enough. And so creating a space like that where you aren't just paying somebody. Mm-hmm. Not that there, there's anything wrong. Right. Yeah. This is come to my house, but Sure. Actually I need the help. But to just create those spaces where you do have intentional time to slow down with your family and your creative memories as a team. I think that's a band. I'm gonna

Cheryl 4:32

have a caveat on this. Okay. That I can't do it for that fruit.

Candace 4:37

Right, right. Okay.

Cheryl 4:38

Because my motivation, my intention was all this great character and we're having fun and we're building these deep relational things. That is a high priority for me, but I can't set us all up for failure thinking I'm gonna get that fruit expectation I I'll expectations. Well, and also

Christie 4:56

the perfectionism can't be a factor there because. Huh. You know, if you hire somebody to come in to do those things or you do it yourself. Yes. It's going to be done a lot. That's what I was gonna ask. Year old, how many times

Candace 5:09

did the bathroom not get done As

Leslie 5:13

s What I'm wondering, after the clean house, which kids learned that, oh, I don't really want an ice cream sandwich. Anyway. I can, there's, you know, you're gonna have, there's always one in the family. Absolutely. I had one who never got an ice cream sandwich. It's like, it's not that important to me. Right, right.

o 5:26

A

Leslie 5:27

lot to personality process. Absolutely. Yeah. Um, and talking about perfectionism and, and expectations and all that. And I think that that's when we have regret and shame in what we didn't do right.. And so I think we've all experienced regret and shame in parenting. Sure. I would, I would imagine. Right. I mean I have right. But um, you know, and in that humanity we have to stay humble and go, you know what? I messed up and, and talk, telling your kids that. I think that's the best thing. I would say that's the best thing we consistently did with our kids is we said, I'm sorry, I flew, flew off the handle, and I'm sorry.

o 6:02

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Leslie 6:03

Humility, just modeling that. But um, but, and I think we have to say that for ourselves too. And recognizing, having grace towards ourselves to go, you know what, that was a big, um, expectation that I had for myself. And so did I fail or did I just not set the expectation? Well, wow.

Christie 6:20

Yeah. I mean, it's, and that's reality. I mean, that's just being realistic. And that's why the new year, new me, turning a new corner doesn't work. It can't be, I mean, no, what's the phrase? Uh, wherever you go, there you are. It's still gonna be the same me in January, wherever I ended December. And so yeah, having that realistic expectation Yeah. And the humanity of it. Yeah. I

Candace 6:43

think it helps you to not have. Regret and shame moving forward too. Mm-hmm. Like as we think about the new year, we're all excited for that fresh start. The clean start. Yeah. All these things, which is great, but if we don't carry that humility with us in every moment mm-hmm. And all the new systems we're putting in place Yes. Then we will not allow our space to, like ourselves placed to grow into the better version of ourself. Mm-hmm. Right. As a, as a mom or,

Leslie 7:06

and that's what we're really trying to do. Yeah. Right. Is not just have the perfect family, but really. Continue growing,

Christie 7:12

growing pro. That process of becoming Yes. Somebody. And something I've been thinking about too is the, the person I am becoming as just a human being Yeah. Is also developing me into the parent, my kids in the future need at their older ages. Okay. Talk about that. That's so good. Yeah. Well, I mean, I think about. So all my kids are in their twenties and I remember being in my twenties, and there's a lot of anxiety in that decade. Yeah. You're just, you're figuring out the world. You're starting to become more aware of the state of circumstances we live in. Yeah. And you know, maybe right now it feels even harder than other decades, but, um, I, I think what I've. Gained, or what I've taken from, uh, people who are a few decades past me is the sense of peace that women older than me have. Mm-hmm. Because they've seen enough of these rise and fall episodes in life mm-hmm. That they're not rattled so easily. And I, I think that's what has developed in me. To some degree that I can turn out and offer my 20 somethings when they're all worked up about the state of, of affairs in the world. I can say yeah, but if you look back over the course of history, these things happen. Not that we don't have cares and concerns for the world for sure, but um, it does bring a certain element of. Calm and peace to our kids. And so that developed over the course of their childhood. Yeah. Yeah. And, and that's hopefully going to continue.

Cheryl 8:45

And I'd love again, the becoming, I think that's because the beginning of that word is be. Okay. We have to do but what we want to be rather than this, oh, I'm gonna reinvent. I mean, I will say particularly like in school, the most wonderful part of

Cheryl A 9:04

the school year

Cheryl 9:06

Was the new notebooks and the sharpened pencils. And this year I'm gonna keep the locker straight and I'm always gonna do my, you know, assignments and all of that ahead of time.

Leslie 9:17

I'm gonna get my new planner and keep it every week. Oh yes.

Cheryl 9:21

Okay. And I think that's, we're set up for that with this new year, with all the hype of everything, slowing down enough to say, yeah, I'm not gonna reinvent myself. But I want to

Cheryl A 9:31

start becoming The person I want to be. Mm-hmm. And that we focus on that. And I will say that's one of the nice things in growing older is having that perspective. Mm-hmm. And realizing I can't change other people. Mm-hmm. I can't change the political climate. Mm-hmm., There are a lot of things I can't change. Mm-hmm. But I can work on changing who I am. Yeah. And how I want to love others better. Mm-hmm. Yes. And again, I'm just using myself as an example Right. A few years ago, The idea of self-awareness and my own emotional development and health that I never had in my whole life radically changed who I am. I really am a different person and it wasn't like I was a really awful, terrible person. Mm-hmm. Was a pretty good person. I just became healthy, self-aware, healthier. The self-awareness movement in my life changed me. Those of you that know me, I'm not the same person. My children are aware. I'm different because of the self-awareness and the healthiness that I brought into it, and then in the last two years, boundaries, which is the kissing cousin to that. Having boundaries in my life has radically changed me and then brought such health to my relationships to other people. I'm, I'm so excited because. I did some things, but I became something different. Mm. Yeah. And I want to hold that out for everybody.

Candace 10:57

I, I think going back to what you were talking about, about becoming your. Your best version of self is a pitfall that I tend to fall in is looking to even people who have good intentions or yeah. Follow the similar values as I do, and wanting my, my persona to look like that. Mm. And, and not recognizing, okay, this is my life and this is my family bubble and this is my personality traits. Yes. And really. Really allowing for self-reflection and self-awareness about who I am Yes. And who I am learning to be because of my kids that I've been blessed with. Mm-hmm. My spouse and my, my situations, whatever. So just really trying to get rid of the comparison game. Yeah. Which is really, really hard to do with our day and age. Very hard. Yeah. It's a very big struggle.

Cheryl 11:47

I mean, like, just for me, you talked about shame and regret, Leslie. Mm-hmm. The shame and regret

Cheryl A 11:53

that i took on Cause I was a regret queen. I always wanted to do things right for everybody else. Mm-hmm. I wanted to be right and do things to work and all those character traits and relationships had this big view of what I wanted mm-hmm. Yes. And doing over half of my parenting as a widowed parent, I compared myself to, everybody had spouses and incomes that dwarfed what I had, and I was so unrealistic that I carried this huge weight all the time. what is wrong with me? It's like they almost have another person helping them all the time. Duh. But it took time to reflect. And let it go.

o 12:39

Yeah.

Cheryl 12:40

And that I am who I am with my circumstances. Yeah. And I am proving I can be changed.

Leslie 12:47

Yeah. Right. And I will put both of, I feel like, like I'm, right now, I'm sitting between the two of these women and I feel like I literally am figuratively am between the two of you. Because so much of learning from your kids and you see them imitate or do things in your, or even just their personalities, and you recognize that in yourself. Yeah. Yep. And then learning. I kind of went through the same journey as of learning about myself and kind of just becoming healthier. And I learned that from my kids. Yes. You know, as they become teenagers and, and early twenties, it's like, oh, they've got a lot of opinions about, but part of that is accepting who you are, right? Mm-hmm. Is really having that self-acceptance and. Humility to say, you know, I don't know everything. Yeah. Yes. And I haven't got it all figured out. Right. And yet I want to be better. I wanna be who I'm intended to be.

Christie 13:40

Yeah.

Leslie 13:41

Um, and I think that's, that's very much kind of what we're talking about with setting intentions and expectations and resolutions, or whatever you wanna call'em. It's all a learning process. Um, and it's, it's a hard learning process. It, I think it's, um, so it's a journey that I

Candace 13:57

love, love about this podcast is I feel like community is a huge piece that we haven't touched on, and specifically as moms in, in all different stages of life. Yeah. Whether you're empty nesting, whether you're kids are all adults, and you're trying to navigate the grandparent, all of that stuff. If you don't have. Older people to learn from, younger people to learn from. Mm-hmm. People that are walking through the same stages. It is so difficult to not feel so isolated and alone in those moments. And so, yes, that's something I would say

Cheryl 14:28

that's what I really

Candace 14:28

love about the parenting podcast. I feel like that this podcast says, gathered a bunch of people in different stages of motherhood. Yeah. And allowed you to. See people that you can learn from in the future. Listen to people that are behind you and learn from their ways, and then walk currently with those mothers who are in the same stage as you. I love that. And it, it doesn't let you feel alone.

Leslie 14:48

And I think it's a, it's a balance because we don't wanna compare. Mm-hmm. And yet. You know, here we're on a podcast. Mm-hmm. And, and you know, but we're people sitting together in a podcast. We've got this great form of communication that we're able to put it out and other people can hear this conversation, but I think it's, those conversations themselves are what's important. Absolutely. And there are women. Around you. Mm-hmm.

Candace 15:09

That

Leslie 15:09

probably would like to have those too. Yeah. Which kind of

Candace 15:12

circles back to your eternal, you know, perspective of relationships. Right. Like, just that, that's the timeless stuff

Christie 15:17

that we, we can hold onto. Right? Yeah. And I think fighting for the balance of being inspired by other mm-hmm. Other parents in our lives, other women in our lives. But still remembering we're individuals. Yeah. And that we, like you were saying, Candace, having an individual set of children, an individual set of skill sets of resources, of circumstances, of background, and taking those factors into account and not comparing to the point of, um, condemning yourself. Yeah. Or achieving something that somebody else has.

Leslie 15:51

Right. Right. And putting in, like Cheryl said, we don't have any control over. Everyone else and the external things that happen mm-hmm. And taking all of those things into consideration. Yeah.

Cheryl 16:01

And so I'm sitting here listening to y'all and the word that I see is freedom. Yes. That there's so much freedom when I let go of it all. Absolutely. My children and you all, because you are my friend and my community, uh, y'all are so much freer because I'm freer. Mm-hmm. And as I. Let go of it and I don't expect of other people. Mm-hmm. Okay. Because then you're gonna get disappointed and I can go. Okay. I'm gonna let that go. Mm-hmm. Right. Yet clinging to with. I don't know, a vice grip, the values I care about mm-hmm. How can I put this value of loving others better into

Cheryl A 16:44

praactice? And part of the way I'm gonna love you better is let it go. Mm. Let the stuff that doesn't matter. Go. And I know that's hard. Mm-hmm. Because life is a process and I am a process,, so let's get a little more practical. If y'all were gonna come and all these people listening, going, this sounds great. You're right. I'm tracking with you now. What, how can we put feet to this?

Candace 17:09

Yeah. I, I, I mean, I love what you just said, Cheryl, values. Mm-hmm. And I think when we're talking about New Year's resolutions and we're talking about the new version of us. Ultimately we need to know ourselves and yes, what our true values are. So having that, that, and that's hard. Having conversation to start, yes, having that conversation with yourself and then with your family and your kids and finding out, okay, this is what we're gonna hold on to and let's try to do some of these fun things this year, to to focus our energy that way. But not that it's like, oh, this pass or fail thing, but it's that these are core values of who we want to be. And this is what's important to us this year. Yeah. We don't, and don't legisl it.

Cheryl 17:48

A few, yeah. A few episodes ago we were talking about you can't legislate that. Right. Right. Mm-hmm. Because I can't legislate your heart. Right. Right. But I, how can we, how can I love better? Mm-hmm. Yes. What can we do? Mm-hmm. What if I were to put, uh. Core value that I wish we had always exercised. We'd always put into practice, but it was our heart is the word value that we show value to others. Yes. Yes. Right. Okay. In this, how can we show better value mm-hmm. To the other person? Mm-hmm. Because they have intrinsic dignity, worth and value. Absolutely. What can we do? What are some other ways we can. Actually put feet to this wonderful ideas we've been talking about.

Leslie 18:26

So the thing that I'm thinking about is how do I wanna show up in the world? How do I wanna show up to, my kids? Yeah. How do I wanna, um, do I wanna be cranky? And I mean, obviously not, but we all have our days. Yes. We all have our days. Have you ever seen Leslie

Cheryl 18:39

Cranky?

Leslie 18:40

Yeah. Oh, okay. True friend. Thank you. It's true. It's true. Um, and so the things that help me. To show up in my best way you know, in the world, to my husband, to my children are reading things that are. Important to me. Yes. Mm-hmm. Um, because

Cheryl 18:58

that's part of our community Absolutely. What

Leslie 19:00

we read changes us, right? Absolutely. Absolutely. And even I mean, for me, uh, reading the Bible is very important to me. Yes. Like how I read it changed over the years, mm-hmm. But it's, it's very important, um, to just hear. Those lessons over and over and over, but also reading fiction books because it helps me see inside someone else's, you know, where they're at their life. Mm-hmm. Um, and then taking time, like I've just recently picked up know I don't have little kids at home anymore, but just taking 10 minutes to. Sketch or do a little water paint or any kind of art. Mm-hmm. Any kind of just doodling. It doesn't even have to become impression of yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Something you enjoy. That's an expression of, yeah. And just listening to music.. I've been listening to Christmas music. Mm-hmm. Piano, you know? Mm-hmm. And just. Taking that time. It's so important, I think. Absolutely. And, and those are the intentions. That's how I wanna show up better in the world. So those are the things I have to input and be,

Christie 20:02

yeah, I am just thinking. Okay. Um, for just start off saying, I am not a musical person, but I know that there are lots of instruments I know that and I know, and they all different go together and they make something sound good. I know. Yes. And so I'm thinking of like one of the sound boards where the guys like doing all the slidey things. Yes. And that's the technical term, slidey things. Yes. And I'm thinking of our lives as you're talking about like what we're reading, what we're consuming. We are whole people. We're not just parents, we're not just spouses. We're not just employees and thinking of the person I wanna show up as, like you say Leslie, and maybe a practical approach is listing those values. And then looking at it like one of those s Slidey thingies. Mm-hmm. I'm sure. Same thing. I think they're called soundboards. Thank you. Thank you. Look at you. Look at your soundboard, your value board.

Cheryl 20:56

I like it called slidey things. I think. Good.

Christie 20:59

And then kind of start to see, you know, we use the word balance a lot. I don't know that there is ever balance. I don't. Dunno that we should use that word, but finding what needs to be tweaked, what needs to be elevated a little more this year, right? Because the balance

Leslie 21:12

is gonna change depending on the music, right? Yes. Depending on the intro you

Christie 21:16

hear when you're a great song. The drums get really loud at parts. The vocals get really loud at parts. Looking at this season, these circumstances, these, you know, things that I've got coming up in this year, and then deciding what needs to be a little louder and what needs to soften a little bit. Yeah.'cause every

Candace 21:33

year and every season it's gonna look different. Well, and

Cheryl 21:35

here's the thing about balance. Okay. I, you know, I quote Bill, everybody goes, well, you quote Bill a lot, but there's a reason. Okay. For example, when people talk about balance, there are two kinds of balances. There's static and dynamic. So static balance is when I put a book on my hand and I could hold it all day long all night till I fell asleep. I can hold that. That's a static balance. But if you think of taking your broom and upending it and trying to balance that broom on your hand, mm-hmm. Like a juggler, That's a dynamic balance. You're having to move, you're having to

Cheryl A 22:09

adjust A wind gust comes, you're gonna have to move with that mm-hmm. But that's, that's what life really requires and the legalism and if you will, the strangulation, death in relationships in life. If we're trying to get. Static balance. Mm-hmm. Instead of being willing to have this dynamic movement, creative life giving. I love this. I've never heard it like that. Beautiful. Isn't that amazing?

Leslie 22:32

Yes. I've never heard it like that, and I think that. What we're trying to do is dynamic balance, but we're thinking it's static. Sure. That's exactly right. And so we're going, well, why can't I keep this up? Why can't it work? Right. Yeah. Why can't it work?

Christie 22:45

I love that. You know, with that, that wiggling of the, you know, when you're fighting for the balance, you know, you're wavering back and forth. You gotta put a little more weight on the right leg, little more. Mm-hmm. Weight on the left leg. And I just think about just getting really practical. I think of seasons when my kids were young, my husband traveled a lot, some weeks. Oven pizzas. We're bringing the balance. Yeah. You know, some weeks it was like, just have to get through. The food is, yes. Health is important. We had cereal night. We're Yes, cereal night. Oh my goodness. I love you women right now.

Cheryl 23:17

But see, I love this. This is the dynamic of what we're talking about, right. That we really ebb and flow and I would say my advice would be. What you were talking about, Leslie, what we're talking about is look for things that are life giving. Mm-hmm. Rather than life sucking.

o 23:35

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 23:36

Okay. In whatever, in our relationships with people, even as we evaluate friendships. I have been in a conversation, um, oh, several people recently, and when they start saying, well, this is a person that's been in my life a lot, but when they're describing it's not a life-giving person. Mm-hmm. And we're not gonna say, I don't want you at all, but if you look at concentric circles, means a little tiny circle and then a bigger circle. Bigger circle, bigger circle. And sometimes somebody needs to be moved to a, an outer circle a little bit. Mm-hmm. That you're not discounting'em, but you need life giving. And those are boundaries, right? Yeah. It has to do with boundaries and, and that we can love people, but they just. Can't

Cheryl A 24:20

be in That tight circle or this practice, or the ballet. We talked about in the past having to drop certain things because they're not bringing the dynamic of life giving. Mm-hmm. To our family in this season. Your year's gonna be different than it was last year because you weren't pregnant with your fourth child. Yes. So

o 24:41

brace yourself.

Cheryl 24:43

But instead go, wow. We talk about family dynamics, what if we always had that broom idea like this? Mm-hmm. Let's evaluate what do we need that will we gonna bring in closer? That's life giving to us in a practical way this week, this month. Just that's kind of our grid we look

Cheryl A 25:01

through instead of How can we kill this? Do a better job? We can nail this, we can Ted talk this. Mm-hmm. You know, can I share a

Candace 25:08

funny story? Absolutely. So we are trying to prepare the kids for the new baby to come and our bedtime routine. I mean, everybody can tell me their input. We hear it all the time. Our bedtime routine is long and treacherous. Yes. And so we've acknowledged the fact that there's gonna have to be some change. And so we wanted to bring the kids, since they're a little older in on this, and we had a family meeting the other night and my firstborn is very much like I was before I had children. She is. Type A and wants everything to have a certain spot. And as we're talking through like what the new bedtime routine could look like, she's like, well, what about this? What if like, when the baby does this, we do that? You know? She's just trying to, every situation. Yeah. Every scenario have an answer for, and we just finally were like, you know, we're just, this is gonna have to be, it's the balance. Yeah. This is gonna have to be a fluid thing. This is not set. Stone, we're practicing right now so that we can prepare for the future, but we don't know what it's gonna look like and things are gonna have to adjust, and we want everybody to have space to talk about that. And you could just see that she was not okay with it. Oh, and so it was just interesting to see. See that? Perspective from her. Yeah. You know,'cause I could see myself in that. Right. And just to be like, okay, I'm gonna have to speak into that as we move forward this year. It's gonna be hard for her,

Cheryl 26:23

you know? And, but what I wanna speak to this right now, see if, if we saw ourselves as mentors, not just parents. Mm-hmm. And that parenting are not something we do to our children, but with them, and I love this because. That's Eleanor, right? Yep. Okay. So you now have that insight on Eleanor? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Okay. And because you identify with it, one of the most powerful things that I think we can do in relationships is say, boy, I identify with you. Mm-hmm. We're on the same team. Yeah. Whatever it is, you know? Uh. I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand. And I'm sorry. Mm-hmm. Those kind of things. Mm-hmm. With Eleanor. You've got this now in your tool bag. Mm-hmm. So sometime when you two are connecting and you're talking, saying, Eleanor, you know, when you talked about that, I really identify with that. I struggle with that. You too, mom. Yeah. And you can talk about together your struggles together and then. Gently show her how you're trying to use it well for others. Mm-hmm. And the dynamic thing that you're bringing into it. So instead of saying, you need to be more flexible.

Candace 27:35

Right, right. You could

Cheryl 27:37

say, here's how I struggle, which she would never

Candace 27:38

do, never some days. But

Cheryl 27:41

I'm just saying, what a wonderful tool. She revealed something and you can identify with it.

Candace 27:46

Yes. Right. And having, having the space to have those conversations. Yes. Again, I was, I know I keep saying it, but I'm really finding value in having space for these conversations. Yes. We've just seen the fruit of it a lot lately. Yeah. Giving time for our kids to actually ask questions and say things that are on their heart.

Leslie 28:02

And you have to put the phones down on the turn, the tv you have to do, yeah. You have to

Candace 28:05

be intentional. You can't, you can't be distracted'cause they see it.

Cheryl 28:09

Right. In a very positive spin, you'll be sitting. Feeding a baby. Yes. I'm gonna have a lot of time. A lot of time. So you can use talking is all you'll be able to do. There we go. I mean, what a wonderful way to look at it, right? It gives you intentional, um, bandwidth. Mm-hmm. If you don't see it as a stranglehold, you go, we have this

Cheryl A 28:29

added extra time, And when I'm sitting you go, Hey kids, and you talk to them and you engage with them in the special bandwidth you bring of them. I love that

Candace 28:37

Perspective and how you view the situation. For sure. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.

Leslie 28:41

One of the things I keep coming back to as we're talking and all of our analogies is like when you were talking about you can plan things Yeah. And, and then it won't always work out the way. Mm-hmm. But, and I thought that's theater, right? Yeah. That's, I keep all these analogies. I keep music and art and theater. And they're all, I mean, and we talked about before, in our world of AI and all the things that are moving and changing so fast, those are the things that are making us more human, right? Yeah. Are the things that we don't expect, the things that come up and the things and, and all those arts things, Uhhuh and, and I think we have to make time for those things with our kids and with ourselves because we learn so much about being human. When we participate in this. Right. That's a really good

Christie 29:26

point. And that's just going to increase, as you know, the world has gotten more digital and more polished and, and easy fixes and, um, it's gonna be more and more important that parents are a safe place to discuss those imperfections. In life and resonate with the kids that are like us. I was just thinking about you, Candace, about the times. Uh, I would see the traits in my kids that I don't love about myself. I would kind of panic. Yes. And I would want to intervene and be like, oh gosh, okay. I don't want her to feel this way because I know how that feels. She's gonna go this way. Yeah. Yeah. And so I love what Cheryl's saying about finding this to be a way that you can connect with her and confess to her the struggles. And then it's gonna be a lifelong thing you guys have together. But to your point, just embracing the imperfections of life and, and coaching our kids through them. But that also requires that we embrace them for ourselves. You know, that we embrace our imperfections and our'cause. We

Cheryl 30:25

are mentors. Yes. Yes. And mentoring is authenticity. Mm-hmm. And it's real life. And if life is ever real, it's in a home environment. Okay. Yeah. And so what a wonderful thing that we can walk alongside and, uh. Boy, I wish I

Cheryl A 30:40

could have Parented the way. I can grandparent. Mm-hmm. Okay. But that wasn't the reality of what God gave me. I learned all these things so I can grandparent better and I'm seeing in real time right now with my grandchildren. When I do this, when I sit down and say, oh, I struggled so much, like. I didn't lie all the time. I just lied when I could see it would benefit me, you know? But I can talk about it's hard, isn't it? And then they have that safe place go, yes, I don't want to do it, but I find myself back lying, or whatever it is. That being that safe place. And we talk about building the bridge. Mm-hmm. How can you build a relationship bridge with your children or anybody else? If it's fake? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Okay. It's an AI. A CG generated thing that's not real life. Mm-hmm. We want a real emotional bridge and that we can throw those unimportant things off so they feel safe. Mm-hmm. Instead of a resolution that we're gonna fix this. Mm-hmm. We're going to don't fix it. Right.

Candace 31:44

Don't fix it. Right. Just walk in that junk with them. Right. I feel like I've noticed that with Eleanor. When I've admitted something that. She struggles with that. I, I struggled the same way when I was a kid. Like there's a spark. Yes. A light that lights up in her eye and she's like, oh, I'm not alone. And I remember being a kid and feeling so alone in those feelings. Yes. And so to be able to see the value in that and give that to her is. That's huge.

Cheryl 32:12

Mm-hmm. Because what you're doing is saying, we, you are beautiful and wonderful, not perfect. Mm-hmm. But so much worth

Cheryl A 32:20

in the mess.

Leslie 32:21

Yep.

Candace 32:21

Yeah.

Leslie 32:21

Love it. But I think as, as moms, I think especially as moms, we tend to want to fix things we see. Right. And, and we have to have that different change of mindset of she doesn't need, or he doesn't need to be fixed. Mm. Oh yeah. He's still growing. Right. And, and learning along with that instead of that. That fixed mentality and with ourselves. Yeah. I don't need to be fixed. If I say I need to be fixed, that means something that I'm broken. Mm. And, and I am not broken. I just need to keep growing in who I am. This is part

Candace 32:51

of the process. Yes. And Cheryl asked me a very poignant question when I was just had, first maybe had Emma, I, I can't remember, but it was, they were very young and I remember sharing something with you like, oh my gosh, she's gonna struggle the same way I did with this personality trait. Mm-hmm. And you said to me. But would you change what you went through and learned from that experience? And it was so life giving to me to recognize, no, I wouldn't change that. Mm-hmm. I wouldn't wanna take that point in my life away because it taught me so much about who I was, about, where I was supposed to be, which ways I was supposed to grow. And so I don't wanna steal that away from her. I don't wanna fix those things. I wanna give her the tools that she needs that I didn't have. Wow.

Christie 33:33

And that

Candace 33:34

is true

Christie 33:35

of the struggles you are walking in today? Yes. Mm-hmm. And the struggles you'll be walking in in 10 years from now? Yes. That we can embrace the hardship of our shortcomings Yes. In life today. And accept those as. An opportunity to learn and to grow and to change and evolve.

Leslie 33:52

and that is the part of becoming, right? Yes. Yeah. There we go. We're not there yet. We, that's we're all in the process and we we're never gonna arrive.

Cheryl 33:59

Right. I'm so glad I don't remember

Cheryl A 34:01

sharing that. But. if I had never lived that, how could I have given that to you? For example, if you went, Cheryl, I have something really important I need to talk to be, guess what? I've just become a billionaire and I'm not sure.

o 34:16

Okay.

Cheryl 34:16

Yeah. Don't have much chopper on that. So I don't have anything to speak into that. Okay. I'm not sure to spell billionaire. Okay. And the same thing, what we're doing is we want to equip our children to live life. Mm-hmm. And so. If we, what you were saying while ago, Leslie,'cause we've got to wrap this up, but what you were saying about our children with their imperfections, if we're always saying, oh, I failed, I, I'm bad. Oh, I, I, I don't have any self worth because I mm-hmm. I made a mistake. I, instead of saying, wow, I made a mistake. And I'm so sorry for hurting you or the pain that I've caused someone, but that we are not shaming ourselves.

Cheryl A 35:00

If we Shame and we beat ourselves up for all of our mistakes. What are we teaching our children? Mm-hmm. We're role modeling that for instead of this genuine thing of, wow, this is my first time through life. Yeah. I didn't know. Yeah. And I'm learning and I want you to do it and I want us to be safe to walk. Cross the bridge with one another and put our arms around each other and say, come on, let's walk To life. Mm-hmm. Keep walking. Not let's have these wonderful resolutions and nail it, but let's live life together. The best way we know how. Yeah.

Candace 35:31

Mm-hmm. So good? Yes. Okay. So good.

Cheryl 35:35

Okay, you two, I want to have you back in here. You choose the subject and let's sit down and muddle our way through it again. I feel like we have

Leslie 35:44

good conversations every week. Right session. This makes me want to live

Cheryl 35:51

a great new year together. This has been so encouraging to me. Thank you so much. Yeah, thank you. It's great. Thank you for including us. parents. Remember, hang in there. Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.

Speaker 3 36:08

As you head back into whatever the rest of today holds for you, I hope this conversation feels like company rather than advice. None of us are trying to get ahead of time or do life better than it's meant to be lived. We're just trying to learn how to stay present inside of it with our kids. With the people around us and with ourselves, parenting keeps inviting us to it. Adjust as we go, to loosen our grip a little and to notice what actually matters in the middle of real life. And that work doesn't need a finish line to count. If you ever want to share what you're thinking through or keep the conversation going, you can always reach out to us on social media or at contact@theparentingpodcast.com. We're really glad you're here with us.