When There’s No Margin Left | Ep. 200

 When there’s no margin left, even the life you love can feel tight. This conversation sits with that tension — and reminds you to stay steady in it.

Transcript

Speaker 0:00

I love my children. I love being a parent, but I feel trapped

Speaker 3 0:07

There are days in parenting. Maybe even longer stretches where you realize how little margin there is, your time is spoken for, your energy is spoken for, and it can catch you off guard because it's all because of something good. Christy and I were talking about that the other day and it led us into this conversation. I'm Cheryl Lange and this is the Parenting Podcast. I am glad you're here.

Speaker 0:49

Christie. I have met with several moms in the last couple of weeks and it's interesting'cause they have different ages of children.

Speaker 2 0:58

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 0:58

Different financial and personal circumstances, but they had something in common and they didn't exactly word it, except in our conversations, if I kind of

Carol 1:11

hinted at It, they actually said yes. That's what I'm feeling.

Speaker 2 1:16

Hmm.

Speaker 1:17

And it's the feeling of being trapped.

Speaker 2 1:20

Oh yeah.

Speaker 1:21

Okay. And so some had littles, some had a larger family, just a variety, like I said. Mm-hmm. And the truth is they all felt really guilty.

Speaker 2 1:33

Mm.

Speaker 1:34

When we started talking about it, they just said, but I love my children.

Speaker 2 1:37

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:38

I love my children. I love being a parent, but I feel trapped and I don't know what to do about it. So that's why I want us to talk about this today because. I know I felt that way.

Speaker 2 1:50

Yes.

Speaker 1:51

And then I just keep encountering it.

Speaker 2 1:53

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1:53

And I want to, you know, bring it out in the light.

Speaker 2 1:57

Yeah.

Speaker 1:57

Rather than let that be that thing that lurks back there and nobody talks about it.

Speaker 2 2:02

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2:02

And then that's where it festers.

Speaker 2 2:04

Yeah. No, I am so glad we're gonna talk about this because you're right. There's, um, that immediate. Immediate feeling that you need to defend yourself. Absolutely. When that might creep to the tip of your lips and let it out, you instantly feel like you need to say, but I'm so thankful for my children and I, I really do love being a mom. And

Speaker 2:25

so were you sitting in those conversations, right?

Speaker 2 2:27

Yeah.

Speaker 2:27

Because that's what every single one of them said. Mm-hmm. With just the weight of guilt.

Speaker 2 2:32

Right. Yes. Well, I think in, in the defense, we are trying to say, but if you take one thing away from me, know that it's that I'm grateful. You know? Yeah. Like, we know that's the bigger, deeper feeling that we have. And so maybe in some of that, we're admitting that this is a. A temporary feeling of feeling trapped. And so we, we know that deep down, but it can just feel so loud in your life and permeate your actions and,, um, the way you approach your kids and well,

Speaker 3:02

and

Speaker 2 3:02

it's your mood.

Speaker 3:04

it's a joy thief.

Speaker 2 3:05

Mm.

Speaker 3:06

And also some of them, I'm listening to their circumstances. some of it is they feel the loss of choices.

Speaker 2 3:14

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3:15

That they're, I'm in this and I can't do anything about it.

Speaker 2 3:18

Right.

Speaker 3:18

Maybe there's no flexibility. Something's happened.

Speaker 2 3:22

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3:22

And where before they had more

Carol 3:24

choices And now it feels a bit locked in.

Speaker 2 3:26

Yeah.

Speaker 3:27

Or they've just lost margin.

Speaker 2 3:30

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3:30

And they feel, I have no room. I'm just, I'm in an alley with big, tall buildings on either side of me and I can't turn around, I can't go sideways and I'm just trapped in this.

Speaker 2 3:43

Yeah. Yeah. And I think more of us than would like to admit that, um, when we get into. Parenting. It's different than our expectations. We, we thought it would be,

Speaker 3:56

yeah, absolutely

Speaker 2 3:57

different. Whether that be because we had a certain perspective of our own parents parenting or other people we know, or something we see on television or movies that society shows us. Um, I, I think. You know, once you get in it, you realize the good, the bad, and the ugly, and maybe that wasn't what you would've anticipated.

Speaker 4:20

And it's all different circumstances, Kristy. Yeah. Like I said, this wasn't just one type of group, and so, uh.

Carol 4:29

One was a Stay at home mom. Mm-hmm. That's not employed.

Speaker 2 4:32

Right.

Speaker 4:32

And then another is a working mom.

Speaker 2 4:35

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 4:35

And she felt trapped, I have to work. Mm-hmm. And now I'm feel like I'm abandoning my children and I can't be home. The, the. Words they used to describe what made them feel trapped was different.

Speaker 2 4:51

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 4:51

It's exactly the same feeling.

Speaker 2 4:53

Mm.

Speaker 4:53

And then another was a single mom.

Speaker 2 4:55

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 4:56

And she said, what in the world am I going to do?

Speaker 2 4:58

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 4:58

I have to work and raise my children, and there's only me, there's no margin, there's no way out. That's what they kind of feel like. I don't want out because I want my children. I want a parent. So it's just this tension between what they truly love. And the emotions of what they're feeling.

Speaker 2 5:17

Right? And sometimes those things are by choice and sometimes they're not by choice. They're, you know, circumstance that's placed upon us.

Speaker 5:26

Yeah.

Speaker 2 5:26

And I think there's a specific kind of guilt or shame that goes with either one, you know, well, this was my choice. I shouldn't feel frustrated with. The circumstance or Exactly.

Speaker 5:38

Right.

Speaker 2 5:38

Well, it's not my fault I'm stuck in this situation. You know, there's just so many layers of emotion that go into, I remember feeling this very thing when my kids were young and I, I was an at home mom and I, um. I remember feeling just like this is now my life. I am stuck here for the rest of my days. And I wanted to do more glamorous things, but this was a choice I also felt passionate about. And so there was that chair in myself, but

Speaker 6:08

that's one of the ones you made that. Choice,

Speaker 2 6:10

right?

Speaker 6:11

Yeah. And then you have double guilt, right? Oh, how can I not love what I chose to do?

Speaker 2 6:18

Right? And knowing that I had the privilege of choosing, oh, you know, I, I could have chosen either direction. And so then that's another kind of guilt and it's just unnecessary that we put ourselves through these things. But I think it's common to all parents.

Speaker 6:34

but see that. Expectations not matching real life. Mm-hmm. And this is just something people don't sit around and talk about.

Speaker 2 6:43

Right.

Speaker 6:43

Because of the shame.

Speaker 2 6:44

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 6:45

And then comparison of course. Mm-hmm. Is that enemy like expectations. You look and, I mean, you look and you see, and everybody else's. Loving their little children and you go to the park and they're just playing and laughing. Right? I just love having all my little children. It

Speaker 2 7:01

just adds to the, I shouldn't feel this way,

Speaker 7:04

the all of it. And then the older ones, And you hear someone say, oh, I love having teens. Mm. This just sharpens my edge. Just feeling the trap close in.

Speaker 2 7:14

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 7:14

And now I can't tell anybody.

Speaker 2 7:16

Right. Older parents looking back with rose colored glasses,

Speaker 7:21

Uhhuh.

Speaker 2 7:21

Oh, I miss the days of having little kids. And I've caught myself doing that now that my kids are grown and then having to. You know, have somebody remind me. It's hard. And then I think, oh yeah, it was so hard. And that's not helpful to a young mom either.

Speaker 7:39

Because particularly if they feel trapped or you've got a two, four, and six years old, that's a lot of parenting ahead of you. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 7:47

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 7:47

Before you can kind of swim in your own lane.

Speaker 2 7:49

Right.

Speaker 7:49

Oh, great. Here's someone I don't even know. And she's looking at my life

Speaker 2 7:54

shaming me for my feelings. Yeah. And there is a space that can get too negative and, you know, that, I just don't acknowledge that, that that does exist. The, um, the negativity trap too. But I think overall, being honest about your situation and your feelings is, is much healthier instead of. Pretending that it's more cheery and that than it really is.

Speaker 8:21

Yeah. See, this is what's so tricky about it. So are you stuck in a cycle and you're dwelling on the negative?

Speaker 2 8:30

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 8:31

And not allowing yourself to get out of it? Or are you being unrealistic and like you're saying, thinking, oh, I should love every bit of this parenting and I get to change more diapers or whatever it is.

Speaker 2 8:43

Right.

Carol 8:44

One of my biggest suggestions is have good, safe people in your life.

Speaker 2 8:48

Right. Yeah. And I think, I remember when I was in this space of feeling trapped and you know, sometimes I can think of a couple of really hard seasons that my family was in, where I felt like, well, if I say things are going okay today. Uh, can I still say it's hard tomorrow? Wow. You know, like today's a decent day, but then I don't want them to know that because then they'll not realize how hard it really is. You know, that. I don't know if that's making sense.

Speaker 9:18

Yes. Let me tell you.'cause I felt the same thing. So being so many years a widowed parent of a big family. And then you get together with friends who are not widowed.

Speaker 2 9:30

Mm.

Speaker 9:30

And then they talk about stuff and they go, oh, and this is kind of hard and this, this. And they're sharing. And then

Carol 9:36

they ask And how are you doing?

Speaker 2 9:37

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 9:38

It is still hard.

Carol 9:39

I didn't feel I was In a trap on that. I mean, there were seasons where I was, but just the hard of it.

Speaker 2 9:45

Yeah.

Speaker 9:45

I think particularly someone that's in a

Carol 9:47

truly difficult situation That doesn't change.

Speaker 2 9:50

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 9:51

And I think of friends that I have that have special needs children.

Speaker 2 9:55

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 9:55

Or single parenting or just, um, something they cannot change.

Speaker 2 10:01

Mm-hmm.

Carol 10:02

How wonderful to have A safe place to say, oh, actually,, this is a good week.

Speaker 2 10:07

Right.

Speaker 10:07

But It's still gonna be hard.

Speaker 2 10:08

That's a phrase I've heard people use in in recent years that I probably wish I would've had back then is today is a good day. Rather than feeling like whatever I response I give you right now is gonna characterize everything about my life. You know, I still want my friends to know I'm in a hard spot in case I need something. But, um, if it's a good day, it's okay to say it's a good day.

Speaker 10:32

Yes.

Speaker 2 10:32

Yeah.

Speaker 10:33

And that's why we need good community around us.

Speaker 2 10:37

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 10:37

That are safe. That you can spill your guts and say, I don't like this.

Speaker 2 10:43

Right.

Speaker 10:43

I don't like what we're doing. This is hard and I feel trapped. Yeah.

Speaker 2 10:46

Yeah. And you know, at this point all my kids are grown and. I brush their own teeth Yeah. And feed themselves. And I sleep when I want to and do what I want to. Yep. And I look back and that, you know, 25 years of parenting feels like a, a blip on the radar. I mean, it feels very short. But when I was in year four

Speaker 11:09

Wow.

Speaker 2 11:09

Or year six, it felt like. This is going to be my life forever. And I just remember so well that, you know, not just thinking you were climbing a mountain, but thinking there was no tip of the mountain Yes. To arrive to. And so I'd say that just to acknowledge that for moms too, that it feels like this is your life forever, but it, it isn't.

Speaker 11:32

Well, I completely agree with you and that's why I want. Women who are further down the road to be able to say, I get it.

Speaker 2 11:40

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 11:41

It was hard.

Speaker 2 11:42

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 11:43

And then when it's appropriate to bring a little sun, not fake sunshine.

Speaker 2 11:46

Sure.

Speaker 11:46

Real encouraging truth.

Speaker 2 11:48

Yeah.

Speaker 11:49

And I heard a great quote that someone said, um, there's a difference between a season being hard and a person being ungrateful or failing.

Speaker 2 11:59

Mm.

Speaker 11:59

And I think that just applies so much here. Mm-hmm. And

Carol 12:02

actually those moms Said that word, I don't wanna appear ungrateful.

Speaker 2 12:06

Right.

Speaker 12:07

Or, what am I doing wrong?

Speaker 2 12:09

Yes.

Speaker 12:09

That I feel like I'm failing all the time when they're in a hard season.

Speaker 2 12:13

Yeah. Something I've said to young moms even this week, just because it's hard doesn't mean you're doing it wrong.

Speaker 12:20

That's very good. Now expand that That's such a wise thing

Speaker 2 12:23

mm-hmm.

Speaker 12:23

Expand it a little bit for us here.

Speaker 2 12:24

Well, I think it, it just comes from what I felt as a young mom. I felt like if it was hard, I must be doing something wrong. I, I looked at other parents of course, and thought of what my expectations were and I thought there would be. Instant joy in all occasions. I thought it would come easily for me. Yeah. And it just didn't. And I don't know if it does for anybody. I think no matter what, parenting is hard.

Speaker 12:50

Yep.

Speaker 2 12:51

And I just like to speak that to shake some of the shame or um, yes. Guilt or ownership off for a mom that's having a hard day with a child. It's not you, it's

Christie 13:01

parenting! this

Speaker 13:02

is what I want us to talk about. Because we've discussed the issue and

Carol 13:06

parenting Is hard, and I can't imagine anyone honestly saying They went all the way through parenting and it was never hard, or they didn't feel trapped in certain situations. So, the expectations, the comparison, The guilt and to think I'm a failure and I don't love my children because I feel this. Right. And that's not true. And so I think about, um, when we were doing whole brain child that you name it to tame it.

Speaker 2 13:36

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 13:37

How healthy it is to actually name our emotions. If you can do it on your own.

Speaker 2 13:43

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 13:43

Or to have someone like what you were doing, talking, speaking into

Carol 13:47

someone's struggle And you actually can name the feeling'cause then you can start dealing with it. Yeah. And it again, it's that getting it out in the light and looking at it and saying, okay. This is just hard.

Speaker 2 13:59

Yeah.

Speaker 13:59

And this is why I feel trapped,

Speaker 2 14:01

right? And I think have these conversations with your friends. If, if your friends aren't listening to this podcast, first, send'em the podcast. But also, with your spouse, like, I know that this isn't true for every. Marriage dynamic. But at my house sometimes I can be venting about a hard feeling and my husband wants to help find a solution.

Speaker 14:24

Oh, yes.

Speaker 2 14:25

Um, which is so kind of him, but sometimes I just need to talk about like you're saying name at detainment. And so I think starting that conversation outside of the moment and saying, Hey, you know, sometimes when it's been a hard day, I just need to talk about it. And it's. There. We're gonna have these hard days with our 3-year-old. It's gonna happen, but I just need to process. And I think that can help too, because we might hold back from sharing those hard feelings because of the person's anticipated response.

Speaker 14:54

Yes, exactly. And one of the things we figured out in marriage. We finally realized, he would

Carol 15:01

ask Do you want me to fix it or you just want me to listen?

Speaker 2 15:04

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 15:04

I just need you to listen. Mm-hmm. Or No, I don't know what to do.

Speaker 2 15:08

Right.

Speaker 15:09

And so just what you're saying, because he was fix it.

Speaker 2 15:12

Yeah.

Speaker 15:13

I mean, I could physically feel him relax. Yeah. When he would say, oh, just listen.

Speaker 2 15:17

Right. Because they might feel pressure to fix it. No, and that's not what you're running anyway. Or what happens sometimes at our house is the solution is offered and I respond with, don't you think I've tried that?

Speaker 15:28

Yeah. Yeah, Um, and another thing. And this would be for the person listening. Is when people offer platitudes.

Speaker 2 15:35

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 15:36

And particularly you get in certain spiritual groups.

Speaker 2 15:39

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 15:39

Or coffee mugs. Mm-hmm. Whatever. Mm-hmm. It's just these platitudes when someone's going through a hard time or grief

Speaker 2 15:46

mm-hmm.

Speaker 15:47

But what's really helpful when you are processing, and particularly if you get those ugly words out there.

Speaker 2 15:53

Yeah.

Speaker 15:54

That being seen. And understood is so healing.

Speaker 2 15:58

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 15:59

Because a lot of times there isn't a fix.

Speaker 2 16:01

Right.

Speaker 16:02

But just that I hear you. I am so sorry. That's hard.

Speaker 2 16:06

Right.

Speaker 16:07

Not where you're in the same boat and being negative. But you're just allowing them to vent.

Speaker 2 16:13

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 16:13

Because that's appropriate, there's such a good thing of having a good sounding board.

Speaker 2 16:17

Mm.

Speaker 16:18

That's not getting in the pity party boat with you.

Speaker 2 16:21

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 16:21

But letting you vent, letting you get it out there, and then just putting their arm around you and saying, oh, it's hard. I'm so sorry.

Speaker 2 16:28

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, something I don't think we acknowledge enough is the fact that these children who we are choosing to give our entire being to who we care about more than any other human on the planet. Of course. And, and really more than anyone ever will care about them. Yes. Then turn around and essentially spit in our face, you know? I mean they're maybe not literally, but, but that's where the tension is. Yeah, it's, it's the pressure that builds up when you're having to take that kind of. Rejection, even if you're trying not take it personally, it still feels like you're wearing your heart on your sleeve just for it to be slashed. And so you have to have a safe place that you can go to and, and say all of those emotions that you're carrying you know, I mean, they're just kids, but it still hurts.

Speaker 17:22

I agree, and I am so thankful. For those listening shoulders in my life.

Speaker 2 17:29

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 17:30

Where I go and another thing and then this, and I did this. Right. And you would think they would say, oh mom, thank you so much. Instead they continued with the difficult and another thing in this one, and to have someone to listen

Speaker 2 17:46

Yeah.

Speaker 17:47

What we're talking about. It's so healthy.

Speaker 2 17:50

Yeah. And then to be able to even laugh about it in the end, we actually, how appropriate this is, I don't know if you wanna cut it out, but we used to, at the end of, you know, a venting session, we'd be like, so which one you wanna give away? Or,

Speaker 18:02

yeah.

Speaker 2 18:02

Yeah. So when are we gonna put'em on, on, you know, eBay or something like that and just make light of it. Okay. Yes. We know at the end of the day we're still gonna wake up tomorrow and pour out our lives again. But it's hard.

Speaker 18:15

I'm nodding in my head because it's so healthy.

Speaker 2 18:17

Yeah.

Speaker 18:17

And. If someone doesn't have it in the home for whatever reason.

Speaker 2 18:22

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 18:23

We say it here, over and over find that safe place. Find that person.

Speaker 2 18:27

Yeah.

Speaker 18:27

And again, I would say probably further down the road so they can say, remember you're in here for the long game.

Speaker 2 18:35

Yeah.

Speaker 18:35

If you think about a football game, the people out, on the field, they, they can't see what the people up in the stands can see or the, you know, like they have in any kind of sports. They have people up there with mics and communication. So they're watching from way up there, communicating down to the coach even's who's on the field.'cause they can see things. There's a big hole over here or this person's pulling in, whatever it is, and that's what we need in our life.

Speaker 2 19:05

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 19:05

Is someone that will listen

Speaker 2 19:06

right?

Speaker 19:07

So when it's time kind of say, Hey, let's go back. Think about why you're doing this. Think about this not platitudes, but just

Carol 19:16

walking alongside Because I think being able to focus on the long, what I'm really doing, rather than the diapers or the snarky. Mm-hmm. Or the whatever just kind of brings that fresh air in. But if you're the person listening, pace yourself.'cause you don't wanna cut off what needs to be processed.

Speaker 2 19:36

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 19:36

And just wait until it's the right time to say, yeah, I have watched you, you love your kids well and I know what you want for them. And just to bring that encouragement in that's true. Now I gotta go back in there and change the diapers.

Speaker 2 19:50

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 19:51

And one thing also. To share when you're that listener is to remind everybody seasons change.

Speaker 2 19:58

Yeah.

Speaker 19:59

You know, and like you don't have to change diapers

Speaker 2 20:01

anymore. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 20:02

Um, matter of fact, the diaper, you now change your granddaughter. You love to change, but the seasons do change.

Speaker 2 20:08

Yeah.

Speaker 20:08

Keep hanging in there. And the other thing, again, if you're looking for someone to speak into your life where you can share a phrase that I love is someone who's life giving.

Speaker 2 20:18

Mm. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 20:19

And so that's not platitudes, that's not, oh, it's all good. We just love our children.

Speaker 2 20:25

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 20:25

But someone who can be life-giving that that would be sort of the highest on your list when you're looking for I need someone to mentor me, or I just need a voice in my life and see what I heard you describe about the way you and Tim talk about it sounded very life-giving.

Speaker 2 20:43

Yeah.

Speaker 20:43

That you come back together and you're laughing about it. And you go back to this is really what we believe. This was just hard today,

Speaker 2 20:52

right?

Speaker 20:52

Or this two weeks is hard or this year is hard. And then, um, pump life into it.

Speaker 2 20:58

Yeah. Yeah. I really like what you said about perspective, just someone that has enough perspective. It may be somebody who's done raising kids. It may be somebody who just has a gift in that area of being able to zoom out and see the big picture. Maybe they had a great. You know, family experience that was modeled for them or just having those people in your life that can help you, uh, have that wider perspective is really valuable.

Speaker 21:23

Excellent. And as we wrap up, so I would say if you're kind of identifying with what we're talking about here, if you don't have that person. To reach out to and process with. Can we encourage you? Find yourself just space, a little bit of margin so you can talk it out yourself. Mm. Maybe get out and walk or just a little something, get some fresh air in there, vent it a little bit so that even if you're the only one talking to yourself that you're. Just bringing some fresh life. Giving air.

Speaker 2 21:58

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 21:59

To your circumstances.

Speaker 2 22:00

Yeah. That's good.

Speaker 22:01

Good. So thanks again.

Speaker 2 22:03

Happy to be here.

Speaker 22:04

So parents, remember, hang in there. Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.

Speaker 4 22:13

If this season feels heavier than you thought it would. Or not at all, like what you pictured. I remember that feeling. I love my children deeply. I was committed and there were still days I felt pressed in with no easy way out. If that's where you are, don't assume something is wrong with you. It may simply be that this season is asking more than you realized it would. Stay with it. Keep showing up and let at least one steady person walk alongside you while you do. This happens to be our 200th episode, which feels significant to me. If these conversations have been helpful to you over the years. One of the ways they continue is when you pass them along to others. Remember, you can always reach us at contact@theparentingpodcast.com. I'm really thankful we get to do this together.