When Expectations Get Louder Than People | Ep. 203

When a moment doesn’t go the way you pictured, it can quietly pull you away from the people right in front of you. This conversation names that shift—and what it looks like to come back to what actually matters.

Transcript

Speaker 2 0:00

as you're loading up your luggage, leave your baggage of expectations in the garage.

Speaker 6 0:07

I can take something really good, a trip, a family day, even just a normal morning, and slowly feel it slipping through my hands. Not because anything's wrong, but because it isn't going the way I thought it would. And I can feel that gap sometimes between what's actually happening and what I was hoping for. And when I stop and look at it, a lot of that gap is expectations. So today we're going to look at that a little. And how it shapes the way we show up for our kids.

Speaker 1:03

Well, we've got our little trio in here again today.

Speaker 2 1:07

Yes. Hi.

Speaker 1:07

Hi, Kyla Pace. Welcome back again to the recording studio.

Speaker 2 1:11

Good to be here.

Speaker 3 1:12

Our T-P-P-B-F-F. Yes,

Speaker 1:16

that is true. And you know, we always say i'm glad when you come in to record with us because I love the three of us being together. Yeah. Just processing life together.

Speaker 2 1:25

Same.

Speaker 1:26

It was so fun. Okay. So what's been going on? What's been happening in your life?

Speaker 2 1:31

Well, we've had a, a busy season. I've had a bunch of birthdays. We have all winter birthdays and, uh,

Speaker 1:38

so that gives you

Speaker 2 1:39

three teenagers, you guys.

Speaker 1:41

Whoa. Wow. Christie, you fell the weight to that. Yes,

Speaker 3 1:45

yes. Well, and I remember when they were not teenagers, they were just little bitties. So it's crazy to hear that. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 1:51

Yeah. So in January my son turn 13, my daughter turned 16. Wow. My other daughter's 14. So there's a lot of emotions, feelings. Oh my word, I bet. Going on around our house and it's. Awesome. And a lot. But I was gonna tell you guys, this Christmas was really fun. We were to go on an epic trip. of just worked out. We went to Hawaii.

Speaker 2:16

Oh, see, Christy, I don't know if you knew it. Oh my goodness.

Speaker 2 2:19

How fun. Yeah.

Speaker 2:20

Yes, I mean, I just think about. Dismal. December and January. Uhhuh. Yeah. And she got Hawaii?

Speaker 2 2:27

Yes. Yes. It was great. And honestly I feel a little bit, uh, even spoiled and blessed that we were able to do that, but we were able to get our flights for free with points. So yeah, my friend Emily, who lives. On Oahu. We stayed with her for a few days. I had other family there. We, we just made it work. But I love it. Tim and I were actually married there I didn't know that Kyla. Yeah. So part of my heart and my family is there. Yeah. That's

Speaker 2:59

so

Speaker 3 3:00

cool.

Speaker 2 3:00

Yeah. But anyway, it was, it was great and it all came together and it was. Wonderful. And so I just went with so much excitement and anticipation and you guys, this is gonna be a trip of a lifetime. Let's soak up every minute together.

Speaker 3:16

Oh, I hear ya.

Speaker 2 3:16

Yeah. And

Speaker 3:17

that sounds like me.

Speaker 2 3:18

Right? Soak it up, you guys we're here. And then we get to Hawaii and I remember, oh wait. I have three teenagers. Oh,

Speaker 3 3:26

no.

Speaker 2 3:27

And, and

Speaker 3 3:28

wherever you go, here you are.

Speaker 2 3:31

Yeah. It's not all warm and fuzzy and happy and all on board with everything that is on. Oh, hard. Yeah. Cheryl, so we were. Getting ready to leave. I was packing up, I was wrapping up everything we had actually emailed and I was kind of telling you, you know, when we were leaving and such, and you responded, and the last line that you wrote me said, have a great time, have a blast. But as you're loading up your luggage, leave your baggage of expectations in the garage.

Speaker 4 4:03

Oh my goodness. That's so good, Cheryl.

Carol 4:06

I just thought, oh, I love that analogy. And I knew because we process life together a lot and I knew what I would do. And that really is what I need!

Speaker 2 4:16

yeah,

Speaker 4:16

take your luggage, leave your baggage

Speaker 2 4:18

Uhhuh.

Speaker 4:19

Yeah. Okay. So

Speaker 3 4:21

how did that go? Yeah,

Speaker 2 4:22

did leave that baggage at home. That just, I just remember that I thought that's so timely. That's so perfect. Thank Cheryl. Bye. And I just, I kept going back to that and I'm thinking that was kind of a game changer and I used that on my trip.

Speaker 4:39

Okay. So let me ask you, you know, when You checked your bags, y'all at that big carousel and you're picking up your luggage. All that. Did you pick up that one? You're really recognized and know real well, comfortable with?. Did you pick up that baggage of expectations?

Speaker 2 4:55

I totally picked it up.

Speaker 4:56

So then there you are on the beach and it's perfect. Did you look over and, and next to your little chair, did you have that little baggage of expectation that you opened up there?

Speaker 2 5:07

I brought it with me. My, my, yeah. Trusty bag of expectations

Speaker 5:11

of, oh

Speaker 3 5:12

yeah. And the bigger question, did everyone with you say, mom, I love this baggage that you brought with you. No, we wanna honor it and respect it and treat it lovely and on, you know? No, exactly. I'm sure no.

Speaker 5:27

So talk to us about it. How did that play out? Like you say, what a setup, Christie. It's not like going down in Oklahoma City or maybe Dallas for the day

Speaker 2 5:38

mm-hmm.

Speaker 5:38

it's just a setup for horrible expectations.

Speaker 2 5:41

Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 5:42

Okay. Let me ask you, Christie, would you have carried. That baggage with you as well. I know, I would've, mine wouldn't have been crammed into one little container. I probably would've had two or three.

Speaker 3 5:53

Mm-hmm. Oh yeah. I mean, I would have expectations even before I got there.

Speaker 5:58

Absolutely.

Speaker 3 5:59

As I'm planning the trip, as I'm thinking about it, you're building up in your mind what it's gonna be like and, and then you get there and even I'm sure arriving you were thinking,

Speaker 2 6:10

mm-hmm

Speaker 3 6:11

this is what we'll do this day. This is how everyone. And will respond. This is how everyone that's with me.'cause there's six of you. Yes. Right? Yes. And the extended family that you saw. Mm-hmm. Imagining how everyone would be so delighted to be on a family vacation at Christmas in a beautiful environment.

Speaker 2 6:30

Exactly.

Speaker 3 6:30

Yeah.

Speaker 2 6:31

Yeah.

Carol 6:32

Is that what What it looked like?

Speaker 2 6:34

No. No. There was complaining. There was, I don't wanna do that. I just wanna sleep. I don't wanna go to the beach. I don't wanna, it was just arguing. Competition, jockeying for position. Who's sitting where in the car? Who wants what to eat? I'm tired. I'm hungry. Oh, you guys,

Speaker 3 6:57

so what was do with that?

Speaker 7:00

Did you verbalize your expectations to the family before you went? Did you say it out loud?

Speaker 2 7:06

Oh, no. Did

Speaker 7:08

you verbalize while you were there? To say it out loud.

Speaker 2 7:11

No, I just assumed everyone would be so thankful.

Speaker 7:17

Oh,

Speaker 2 7:17

and so happy, and so overjoy. Appreciative.

Speaker 7:21

Appreciative. Oh mom, please let me go get your coffee downstairs and you just rest a little longer. Yes,

Speaker 3 7:28

yes.

Speaker 7:28

You're talking about how you identify. This is the stranglehold of my life and everybody in my life for most of my life, because y'all know as we come in here, I'm not a. Cup half full person. I am a cup flowing over the top with. The expectation of what life can be, what this relationship can be, what this conversation can be. Mm-hmm. Look at the beauty, look at this opportunity. You know, particularly I would carry the weight of the ages of your children because I would say, oh, they're getting ready to graduate and leave, and we have this one sliver of an opportunity. Yeah, let's just. Suck the marrow out of the bone at every moment. I mean, I, and I wouldn't verbalize all of that.

Speaker 2 8:15

Yeah. This will probably never happen again. We've thought this will be something we'll always remember. Let's make it count. That was in my mind.

Speaker 8:21

Of course.

Speaker 2 8:22

Yeah. It feels silly even talking about it because I, it's such a privilege and a blessing to be able to go, and it seems like I'm complaining, oh, woe is me, and I don't want it to come across that way. I think I just, I did a lot of processing because I was, it was kind of ruining my trip, honestly. I was upset that, you know, everyone wasn't enjoying it or fighting or complaining, but. I, so I processed a lot about it, and I actually put this reminder on my phone that I read every single morning of my trip. Wow. And it said, I am not responsible for everyone's emotional responses today. Mm. That is

Speaker 3 9:04

so good.

Speaker 2 9:04

I'm not responsible for making this a trip of a lifetime for everyone. I'm responsible for modeling being a mother who rests and enjoys herself.

Speaker 3 9:14

Wow. That's amazing. Yeah. That is really good because. You know, we're talking about this trip of a lifetime that you went on, but the truth is we all do it. Mm-hmm. Whether it be taking your preschoolers to target

Speaker 4 9:27

Yes.

Speaker 3 9:27

Or you know, a romantic date night or Yeah, even just a Wednesday. Yeah.

Speaker 4 9:33

Yeah.

Speaker 3 9:33

I mean, we just have expectations for how our lives should go. And so what I'm hearing you say is you. Have those here at home. They were still with you there in Hawaii. Just like I have the same thing anywhere I am. And so I'm just wondering like. How do we manage that? I mean, I think a big part of it's what you said is you have control over your own emotions and your own responses, but not the emotions and responses of the people you care about and are surrounded with and taking ownership of that.

Speaker 2 10:05

Absolutely.

Speaker 10:06

I mean, we are just a mess, aren't we? Mm-hmm. Because. You just framed it saying, I feel so guilty because this was the trip of a lifetime, but I'm saying, yeah, but when I fix pancakes for breakfast

Speaker 3 10:18

mm-hmm.

Speaker 10:19

In everyday life,

Speaker 3 10:21

right?

Speaker 10:22

I can ruin the experience because of my expectations of whatever it is.

Speaker 3 10:28

Well, not in, not just the daily. Circumstances and events, but the bigger scale of life Absolutely. Of this is the reality that I find myself in.

Speaker 10:39

Yes.

Speaker 3 10:39

Whether it's something that someone else chose for me or I chose for myself. Yeah. Or just natural circumstances. Yeah. That we, that nobody had any control over.

Speaker 10:49

I know

Speaker 2 10:51

he keeps sneaking up and honestly, I, I even feel exhausted this morning, guys. I, this morning was even hard. I'm like, why can't we just start our day without. The drama without the comments, without the complaining. I, it's just, I feel exhausted. And I'm just wondering, is it something mothers in general feel? Is it a personality thing? I just feel like I'm absorbing things so deeply and it's wearing me out.

Carol 11:19

Yes! me for sure! Okay. Inside it's so true. We have those expectations. I just say they're a stranglehold.

Speaker 4 11:26

Yeah.

Speaker 11:26

Yeah. And, and I didn't always verbalize, I just internalized a lot of it.

Speaker 4 11:31

Yes,

Speaker 11:31

that's right. And I was complaining and disappointed, and so they might be doing the noise of it. Mm-hmm. Out loud. But I'm doing it inside, whether it's. In the morning, it's a target. Mm-hmm. It's something big or little.

Speaker 3 11:45

Mm-hmm. The hard thing though is that my expectations are lovely things like why wouldn't you wanna just have fun? Mm-hmm. On the beach in Hawaii? Mm-hmm. Why would you want to absolutely just enjoy the pancakes? Like, of course in my brain, my expectations are. Good and just and righteous expectations. That's true and true. Everyone should just get on board. I'm so you. You will expect everyone to just feel that way the same way you do, but we forget that they have their own way of processing life and their own expectations and their own desires that they're working with

Speaker 12:23

also, collectively. Our ages and I add a lot to that. Look what we're expecting of less mature. That's true. Undeveloped growing up children.

Speaker 2 12:35

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 12:36

Okay. And we can expand our expectations, our unlimited right to other people, but particularly our children.

Speaker 2 12:44

I know I think about teenagers and. I'm sitting here thinking, why not suck it up? Why not? Let's, let's go lay out at the pool and swim and play water volleyball and they're dragging their feet. But, you know, in their mind, I think they're saying, do I, do I look okay? Who's gonna be watching me? How do I feel? Like all those teenage things that are just, you know, it's not defiance and it's not necessarily selfishness. It's more based out of insecurity and immaturity

Speaker 3 13:17

and maybe just priorities, you know, as the mom. Role. You have the priority of making memories with your children and creating a family atmosphere of fun and laughter and joy. The priorities of a 16-year-old are not,

Speaker 2 13:35

that's so

Speaker 3 13:35

true. To create family memories, they are wondering what cute boys are gonna be on this beach. Mm-hmm. And is my Instagram photo gonna look just right? Mm-hmm. They pick the right to wear. Yes. They have different priorities that they are. Uh, keeping it front of mind.

Speaker 13:50

And I think if like we were handling this the way we would like to, wouldn't it have been an interesting conversation to have everybody sit down and say, so what are your expectations? Mm. And shockingly what would come out of every single mouth, I think would be very different.

Speaker 2 14:07

Mm-hmm. Yeah. I'm just, I'm thinking about that. Yes. It'd be so different

Speaker 14:11

If we were handling it the way we would like to handle Right. In that perfect parenting and human being. Mm-hmm. And I can even think, you know, we're talking about the immaturity of children, but, You know, you said it as a mom thing. As a personality, and I think it's all of that. I think women, particularly mothers, I think we tend to be high on the expectations. Mm-hmm. Without verbalizing it. Yeah. I don't know if we said it here. The problem is I didn't verbalize all my expectations, uh, until I boiled over maybe, but sometimes with Bill. You know, inside. I thought if I tell him what I want and then he does it, it doesn't really count.

14:54

Yeah.

Speaker 14:54

And when we would have these honest, mature, real. Good conversations. He would say, honey, I had no idea that's what you wanted. I would've been glad to do it. I didn't know. Why didn't you tell me? And then see it is, um, A double whammy because I had the expectation, but then I didn't want to tell him. Mm-hmm. Because then that ruined. Mm-hmm. The fact, oh, it's not genuine if I tell you to do it Right, you do it. You have to read

Speaker 3 15:22

you to be a mind reader. Yeah.

Speaker 15:23

There we are. And a heart reader.

Speaker 3 15:25

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 15:26

I have to know what you want. And particularly different love languages or temperaments and everything else. Mm-hmm. You know? Um. I remember somebody one time and we were at a family function and people were just around having good times and he was standing on stairs and it was a lovely home and it was out back going to this beautiful pool, and he was just standing there looking out and I thought, wow. He is just like. Pulling all this in and processing all of this and you know, it just, the look on his face. I could tell there was something really deep going on. Okay.'cause that's the kind of person I am, right? And so I said, okay, I just have to ask you what are you thinking that look on your face is so intriguing. What are you thinking? And he said. Oh, that this is a really good cup of coffee.

Speaker 3 16:23

Cha-ching. You know Cheryl? Okay. I'm thinking about that. He must have just had a real gift of staying there in the moment.

Speaker 16:32

Yes,

Speaker 3 16:33

and that's something I've been working on because I can get. So wrapped up in future plans. I've always been this way since my kids were young, you know, even positive and negative. If they told one little white lie, I was like, oh, that's it. They're gonna end up in prison forever and, you know, be criminals. Or, you know, if, if I wanted a. Big positive outcome. You know, I was just thinking of that all the time, working towards it, and I'm still that way. Even though my kids are grown, I have these Christmas images painted in my mind, or travel plans painted in my mind of how things should be, and especially now that my kids are adults. Because now they have full reign over their own lives. And they're all doing great, but I'm not in control of them. Not that I ever really was, but um, you know, just, So back to the guy with the cup of coffee. I think living in this moment right now with things the way they are right now, and yes, of course we make plans for the future. Yeah. And we wanna be wise, but savoring and enjoying what is good to, to be enjoyed in this moment. Ev, you know, not trying to manipulate or control or change anything, I think is, is where joy can be found.

Speaker 4 17:52

Hmm.

Speaker 17:53

All of us would've blown the trip'cause we would've had that baggage with us. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 17:57

Well, I was just wondering like is so how do we deal with our expectations? Do we. Have less of them? Do we just throw some of them out with the trash? Do we verbalize them? Do we just lay them all down? You know,

Speaker 3 18:14

I think yes. Yeah. I mean, you know, you gotta pick and choose. Some of them need to go away because they're not realistic. Yeah,

Speaker 2 18:21

right.

Speaker 3 18:22

Some of them we do need to vocalize what we need from a relationship or an experience to the rest of the people involved. And then. Sometimes I think yeah, we might just be, um, needing to be content. Yeah. With the way things are.

Speaker 18:38

So the bog of my expectations and all that yucky stuff, that's kind of what we've just talked here. here We process kind of your experience, but both of us, it's our experience and I've never been to Hawaii.

Speaker 2 18:52

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 18:53

Um, what about. If we come back in and then we go, so what are we gonna do with it? Because I think everyone starting with waking up in the morning

Speaker 2 19:04

mm-hmm.

Speaker 19:04

We struggle with our expectations.

Speaker 2 19:06

Yes. Yes.

Speaker 19:08

So you wanna come back and let's talk about what would we do with them?

Speaker 2 19:11

Yeah.

Speaker 19:11

Okay.

Speaker 2 19:12

Sounds good.

Speaker 19:14

So parents, hang in there. Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.

Speaker 7 19:21

I think for me, this just looks like catching that moment when something starts to tighten and asking why does this feel off when nothing is actually wrong? Because sometimes it isn't what's happening. I've just started holding onto what I wanted it to be more than the people right in front of me. And that's a shift I don't want to miss. I want to keep choosing them even when the moment isn't what I pictured. So this week. I'm going to try to notice it sooner and come back to what actually matters. You can always reach out at contact@theparentingpodcast.com or connect with us online. I'm really glad we got to sit in this together.