It Isn’t About Your Kids | Ep. 204

I can walk into a moment with my kids already holding a picture of how it’s supposed to go—and without even realizing it, I start pressing that onto them… and it quietly distorts what’s actually happening between us.

Transcript

Cheryl 0:00

And I'm expecting them unspoken to align with my emotional desires

Speaker 0:08

There are moments where I can feel myself getting frustrated with my kids, and if I catch it, it usually isn't about what they're doing, it's that I had already written a version of this moment in my head. And I'm still clinging to that picture while real life is unfolding right in front of me. And even if I never say any of that out loud, it still comes out and I overwrite what is real. That's where we're going today.

Cheryl 0:58

So this is a follow-up episode to processing a trip that Kyla had with her family recently.

kyla 1:06

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 1:07

To the gorgeous state of

kyla 1:09

Hawaii.

Cheryl 1:10

Mm. So y'all were what, two weeks there, right?

kyla 1:13

Two weeks there, yep.

Cheryl 1:14

Okay. And so what we processed last time, Christie, was the struggle. Of what happened with expectations on the trip for you, right?

kyla 1:24

Mm-hmm. Yes.

Cheryl 1:25

Okay. And, and kind of all we did is go, boy, our expectations have just goofed our lives up.

christie 1:30

Yeah. Related so much with what you were sharing.

kyla 1:34

Well, I felt, I, I wanna mention it because I feel a little. Spoiled because it was such an epic trip to, I just don't want it to come across as woe is me. You know? It was hard. I think I just wanted to bring it up because it was hard, because my expectations were everyone was gonna just have this fabulous trip and enjoy every moment together and soak it all up. Soak up paradise. And the daily grind in, in actuality was, it just wasn't that way.

christie 2:03

Well, I think it's the perfect example. Um. Uh, the perfect backdrop to talk about expectations. Yeah.'cause I know, you know, my expectations usually take place in a very mundane setting where I can blame the circumstances and be like, oh, if only you know. Uh, somebody would just come and send a cleaning fairy, or if only mm-hmm. Someone would drop a billion dollars in my backyard or all of these, you know, scenarios that could make my circumstances better, would fix my, my attitude towards things. And I think what your example has given us is a, the realization that even if the circumstances are ideal and perfect, mm-hmm. It's still our heart. That is the issue. It's not, it's not always that if you fix the circumstances. Now there are challenging circumstances that we deal with on a daily basis, but even in the perfect scenario, we still are gonna struggle with these attitudes and thoughts.

Carol 3:04

That's exactly what I was thinking, listening to you. Yeah. Because that's exactly what we do. Well, if we just made more money mm-hmm. Or had a bigger house. Mm-hmm. Or, you know, I'm a single mom. If I were just married. Mm-hmm. Or I have a small family, I have a big family, or whatever it is. We kind of think.

kyla 3:22

If only this change

Cheryl 3:24

if only. Right. And then we go a fantastic two weeks in Hawaii. Your whole family healthy, this fantastic provision in one of the most beautiful places on earth.

kyla 3:38

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 3:38

And. Yet you drag that baggage of expectations. Mm-hmm. And LA Yeah. It's still there. I agree with you. Mm-hmm. This is a test case. Mm-hmm. That the issue is not our circumstances.

christie 3:51

Right.

Cheryl 3:52

I agree with you completely, Christie. And one of the things that's, I was thinking about, you know. Huh me and expectations, you know, is what I'm wanting actually sustainable? Or is it just something that has to have ideal conditions?

christie 4:08

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 4:08

Like if everything just comes together just right, yes. This is it.

christie 4:14

Yeah. Are the expectations even realistic or attainable?

Cheryl 4:18

Absolutely. Or they just this. Thing inside of us, let me ask you a question. Thank you for your kindness to be in here and be willing to be asked.

kyla 4:29

sure

Cheryl 4:30

Okay? So where did your expectations come from, Kyla? Is it your personal values or do you think you, um, pulled it in from? Maybe like inherited images is this is how a family's supposed to be. Mm. If you look at it,'cause I think that's a great question. Where did this expectation come from?

kyla 4:52

I think probably some of it would be my personality because I am a peacemaker by nature and I just want everyone to be kind and get along. So, and you know, all the different personalities with. My children. That's not their top priority. I think some of it maybe comes from our culture and these snapshot images of,

Cheryl 5:17

yeah,

kyla 5:17

everyone just enjoying each other. I even think in the deep recesses of my mind. Even with my grandparents, they would say, oh, I always got along with my siblings. We never fought. And I'm, I dunno. I'm like, I wish it was, it's a

christie 5:32

narrative of perfection.

kyla 5:33

Yeah. If it was that way, I wouldn't be be feeling this. Everyone would be enjoying each other getting along. So I'm not sure where it all comes from, but I feel. This thing so deeply, like I want everyone to just love it.

Cheryl 5:46

But see, I think that's a great question to ask. Yeah.'cause that's what we're kind of doing. Okay. So we've got this baggage of expectations. What do we do? I think this is a great question to explore inside of ourselves. Where is coming from?

kyla 5:58

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 5:59

What about you, Christy? If you think about an area where you have expectations

christie 6:03

mm-hmm.

Cheryl 6:04

If you look at it, can you kind of explore just where do your expectations come from?

christie 6:10

Yeah, I think, um, just the things concerning my family probably, to be honest, just a lot of selfishness. Oh man. Like I just wanted all my, I I had this ex expectation that my kids would just delight to spend time with me Yeah. In their, you know, adult years. And we'd all live on the same street in a row of houses. Yeah. And mm-hmm. skip to each other's houses and, and so I think it's just pure selfishness that I just wanted, um. To be together with people and, and that they would be just like me. You know, they would have those same desires

kyla 6:47

To me, that doesn't sound all like selfishness though. I mean, it sounds like love for your family as well. Mm-hmm. I don't

Cheryl 6:53

know, but I was listening to, both of you all, I'm going, none of this is bad stuff.

kyla 6:57

Right.

Cheryl 6:58

This is all really good stuff. And Kyla, that's the thing. Almost everything you described that was this expectation.

christie 7:06

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 7:06

That killed joy. On your trip, even just inside of you, not one thing was an unkind mean immoral. Right? Or bad. Right. In fact, they were very, very noble.

christie 7:18

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 7:19

Yuck,

kyla 7:20

Oh, I think I, I did forget one thing I was just gonna mention. I think also there's an internal clock counting down of,

Cheryl 7:29

oh,

kyla 7:29

this, this might not happen again.

Cheryl 7:31

Yeah.

kyla 7:32

The kids are getting older. They're gonna be launched. We may not all be able to do something like this again, so.

christie 7:37

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 7:38

Wow. Which just add the pressure to it. Urgency. Yeah. Because I can see, I'm identifying with that

Carol 7:43

saying, Oh. Don't waste this. Mm-hmm. We only have so much time left! you know, and that would just pour gasoline on my expectations. Mm-hmm. Oh, you handled it so much better than I would have.

christie 7:58

Yeah. I'm thinking too, this is just coming to me that, um, you know, I had some hard circumstances in my own childhood and I know that there's a fuel from that to produce something different for my own kids. And so that pressure put on them to, uh. You know, recreate something wanting to offer them something I would've loved to have experienced. I think is another thing that for me, and I'm just thinking like you were saying, these things are not bad things that we have, the expectations aren't. Aren't bad in themselves. Where it gets icky though, is that when you're, um, limiting someone else's Yeah. Freedom to live their lives and the process of their mm-hmm. Growth and maturing and

Cheryl 8:48

Yes.

christie 8:49

Discovery of the world and sorting things out for themselves mm-hmm. Is, is the problem.

Cheryl 8:54

And that's where I move into selfishness is, oh, it just sounds so ugly that I'm expecting other wonderful autonomous individuals. created with all

Carol 9:09

of their own Strengths and shadow sides. And, and I, I pour into that and that's what I really want until it comes in conflict mm-hmm. With what I want.

christie 9:18

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 9:18

And then I'm expecting them unspoken to align with my emotional desires for what we're gonna get out of this. Mm-hmm. And that if I let it fester in there, then pretty soon. Rather than regulating myself and working on inside of me, I'm monitoring and imposing this on everyone else. And it could be they're all having a blast. Mm-hmm. If we could all stop and everyone really. Rate, like we have ratings over the top of how much fun you're having. Everyone else could have like an eight to 10 and they think this is the best thing that ever happened. Right. And there we are sitting over there going, I'm like at a 0.5 or a two.

kyla 10:04

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 10:04

Because I'm trying to. Impose on other people to meet my deep emotional needs that I'm expecting out of them.

kyla 10:14

Oh yeah. I'm just realizing as you're talking, and I'm doing this all the time. All the time.

Cheryl 10:20

That's why I identify with it.

kyla 10:22

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Why? I mean, even last night having dinner, like, why can't you guys just help me? Haven't you seen how I made this dinner? Don't you wanna just help me do the dishes and tidy up and let's talk. Why do you wanna get on your device? Come on. Mm-hmm. I mean, I dunno.

Cheryl 10:39

Yeah. So let me ask you, when you do this, shoving of all this stuff on other people and all your expectations. What response are you getting? Are you getting an awareness and a total shift? Are you getting resistance and shutdown?

christie 10:55

Total resistance? Mm-hmm. And shutdown. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And distance.

Cheryl 10:58

You know, Christy, you'd think we would learn,

christie 11:00

right? Mm-hmm. Well, I'm thinking we're, we've been talking a lot about our expectations of our kids' attitudes and responses. Yep. To the scenario that we find ourselves in. Mm-hmm. You know, good or bad. And I, I think there may be somebody that could listen and say, well, what am I supposed to do? Just let them be cranky and let them. Have a bad attitude and not help with after dinner.

kyla 11:25

Or call all the shots.

christie 11:26

Right, right. And so we're not saying that as, as the mom, that you just let your kids walk all over you and Yeah. Um, let's, let's

kyla 11:34

talk about that.'cause that's right where I am, Christie

christie 11:37

Right. I mean, there's definitely a place to set a boundary and say these. These are the expectations I have of your behavior and this is what we're going to ask of you as your parent.

Cheryl 11:50

Okay, so Christie, I'm really identifying'cause you're right. What we've been focusing on is what's going on inside of us. And our yucky emotions, all of that. You know, we're all about boundaries here. There is a place to form boundaries you have to keep parenting. I can remember whenever we were doing something fun, or it was a holiday or we got to go somewhere, particularly like something where my expectations were high, I didn't want to have to keep parenting.

kyla 12:19

Yeah.

Cheryl 12:19

I kind of expected now everybody's gonna be really mature and they're gonna be thoughtful to one another, and the conduct was gonna match the expectations of the opportunity. Mm-hmm. Okay. And I don't know if that happened with you. Your expectations are raised. I have to keep parenting and just go. Really, we're gonna have to sit here and have a conversation about the way you just treated your sister. And we're just getting out of the airport or whatever it is.

kyla 12:47

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 12:48

And I, I don't wanna have to do this. One of my expectations is I wanna hang up that parenting hat

kyla 12:52

mm-hmm.

Cheryl 12:53

And enjoy the moment

kyla 12:54

and you can't.

Cheryl 12:54

Mm-hmm. And I can't because I have to keep on parenting.

kyla 12:57

I'm listening to both of you and I'm processing how to marry these two thoughts. Are you saying we should have boundaries on behavior? But not expectation on their emotions. Mm

Cheryl 13:08

oh, very good. That's

christie 13:09

actually very good.

Cheryl 13:10

It's really good. Yeah. I like that. Mm-hmm. Very much. For example, one of the things, particularly I do it better now with my grandchildren, is allowing them to have. a Range of emotion. And you know, this goes back to all the things we talk about, a whole brain, child and, and boundaries. It's okay to feel that, and I can understand and let's name it, let's deal with it, but you can't conduct yourself this way.

kyla 13:38

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 13:38

Right. And, and let's. Talk about how you feel. We can allow them to feel stinky, but there's a boundary of what we're gonna allow, how you're gonna act, and how you're gonna treat people. And I need to do that out of that mature me rather than the expectation me that's dealing with my own yucky emotions. Yeah. Uh,

kyla 14:01

it's hard to separate. Sometimes it's

Cheryl 14:02

really hard.

kyla 14:03

How do we separate boundaries on behavior but not impose expectations on their emotions?

Cheryl 14:08

Hmm.

christie 14:09

I think empathy is a real key there. Yeah. Because when we can realize like, okay, if someone just came into my house and told me to do something I didn't want to do

kyla 14:18

mm-hmm.

christie 14:19

I would feel fussy about it, you know? But, um, we're the grownups in the house, so we don't have that happen a lot. So we forget how that would feel if someone were imposing. A different behavior on them. No, you can't have ice cream. We're going to eat dinner.

Cheryl 14:34

Yeah,

christie 14:35

well of course you'd be upset, you know, as an adult if someone came in and told you you couldn't do something that you really wanted to do. And so maybe some empathy of, man, I know it's a bummer. I know that you don't want to do this. Um, and I can understand those feelings. But here's the reason why I am. I'm saying that this is, is how it has to be.

Cheryl 14:57

Christy, that's so good because it's that slowing down, getting myself-regulated under control, even if I have to leave. I just read something in a book yesterday. It was talking about how to love others better and one of the things it was saying, developing the ability to. To appreciate how they feel. It was something like that. Something about valuing their feelings as much as you value your own feelings. That's

kyla 15:26

good.

Cheryl 15:27

And I thought, wow, yeah. What a definition of love that is. Right? I don't have to agree with it. Mm-hmm. But to value it, and I'm thinking teenagers, the gift it would be. If I could sit with them and value their feelings about, mm-hmm what is everybody else thinking about me

Carol 15:45

instead of Saying, get over yourself.

christie 15:47

Right.

Cheryl 15:48

Instead of that to connect with them, maybe help them verbalize it and then affirm that feeling. Mm-hmm. It's a lot easier with a five-year-old who's melting down. Yeah. And they're frustrated because they don't get the ice cream or they, they have their toy taken away. Mm-hmm. That's a lot easier maybe. Uh, particularly with a separation of years for me to sit with that and with the teenager, you just

Carol 16:13

say, You're just selfish. Mm-hmm. Self-focused and go, wait, wait, wait. They are so fully self-focused because they're trying to figure out who in the world they are.

christie 16:22

Right.

Cheryl 16:22

I mean, the really beautiful ocean of all of those emotions they're trying to become.

christie 16:28

Yeah.

Cheryl 16:29

And if I. Can slow down enough to say, How can I show that I value how they're feeling?

christie 16:37

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 16:38

Even if I have to draw boundaries or even if I have to have consequences or something.

christie 16:44

Right.

Cheryl 16:44

But I think what you nailed, I think it's valuing how they feel.

christie 16:49

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 16:49

And now this is what we're gonna do.

christie 16:51

Yeah. I'm just thinking of the scenario of you being on a beautiful island and having lots of fun things that it's planned to go do and having a teenager that just wants to sleep.

kyla 17:00

Yeah.

christie 17:01

That happened me multiple times. I think, you know, if say that teenager were an adult and got to go on a trip to Hawaii on their own, that would be their prerogative if that's how they want to choose to spend their time

kyla 17:13

mm-hmm.

christie 17:13

On vacation, just to sleep and relax. And so that was their preferred way to vacation.

kyla 17:20

True.

christie 17:20

And so going in to. Empathize and say, Hey, some people like to rest. Some people like to have fun. The people have different preferences. Unfortunately, you're one of six people on this trip. Yeah. And as a family, we are going to, you know, kind of vote or this is what we've set to do for our schedule. And you have to kind of fall in line and sacrifice in some ways, just like I will be sacrificing tomorrow when we do such and such,

kyla 17:47

which isn't my,

christie 17:48

that's not my favorite thing to do. And so I think. That empathy can help.

kyla 17:52

And I think something I thought about too, Christie, when you were talking about, you know, boundaries are going to upset people, we would be upset if people came in. Yeah. Mm-hmm. But for me, I'm kind of thinking it, it really bothers me when my kids are upset, you know? Yeah. And I'm remembering back to an episode a while back when we talked about. You know, I guess it's a maturity thing for us, but having thick skin, but a tender heart. Yes.

christie 18:19

Mm-hmm.

kyla 18:20

That's, that's mm-hmm. Something I really have to work at.

christie 18:22

Yeah. And being okay with other people having negative emotion.

kyla 18:26

Yes. Yes.

christie 18:26

That's hard for me.

kyla 18:27

I'm constantly having to, to reground myself and just let it go multiple times a day. It's not just a quick fix, okay, I've got this figured out for the day. It's,

Cheryl 18:37

does that help that? If to keep the idea, I need to value their emotions, even if I don't understand it or I can't identify with it, to show value to their emotions.

18:49

Mm-hmm.

kyla 18:49

Definitely.

Cheryl 18:49

And go, wow, I bet this is hard. Oh, I'm sorry.

kyla 18:54

The empathy,

Cheryl 18:54

how can I walk with you through or just sitting,

Carol 18:57

with them. I'm really sorry. This is hard.

christie 18:59

Yeah. They might just need some space to process on their own and that it's not, it's not always. Personal. It doesn't have anything to do with us, I mean, sometimes it might have something to do with us, but a lot of times it's not.

kyla 19:11

Yeah, that's good.

Cheryl 19:14

How about if we reframe those expectations so that you are process based rather than outcome based?

kyla 19:23

Hmm.

Cheryl 19:24

So

kyla 19:24

what do you mean by that?

Cheryl 19:26

To slow down and say the process is what matters, not what I see. Yeah. Or how it turns out that the process of dealing with a snarky teenager who didn't come down and have the breakfast Whatever it is or mm-hmm. A a an 8-year-old or a three yearold or whatever mm-hmm. Over breakfast in the morning or the way it went in the car, whatever it is,

Carol 19:50

if we Slowed down enough to consider the process of what we're walking through this together. Is what is important.

christie 20:00

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 20:00

Not how it turns out,

christie 20:02

I, I have an example of this currently in my life. Um, you know, when my girls were young, I remember some of the things I wanted to see develop in them. or that they would be strong women that could, you know, speak their minds. Yeah. And stand up to peer pressure and not be, you know, told what to think. Right. Yeah. Those are some of the things Asked me in their younger years. That would've been something I would said I wanted for them. Well be careful what you ask for, right?'cause now I have young women who are strong women that don't give into peer

Christie (2) 20:38

pressure, Free to speak their minds, and they do have passions in this world Now. Ask me what percentage of those we agree on. I mean, honestly, we do agree on more than we don't agree on, but there are some things that in the world we have disagreements on how we see things, and that's fair because we're separate humans. Right. But if I look back, like you're saying, the process rather than the results. Yeah. The goal was achieved. They do have passions. They do speak their mind. They do stand up for what they see is right in the world. And so I, I think that's kind of an example of what you're saying is that process is happening and if I'm not results driven and saying like my goal was never to control them and to. Make. Okay. Maybe my goal was Yeah,

christie 21:28

but that's not really what I want. If you really ask me, I don't want to control another human being. I want them to have that freedom to be who they are But

Cheryl 21:36

when you're living in your expectations, it's

kyla 21:38

hard to separate

Cheryl 21:39

control when they're under your room. You know, with my expectations go, oh, I wanna give you all this freedom. I just want it to look like what I want to look like. Yeah, right. And I want you to have all these values, but I want you to have my values And so I really do like can I learn to love them well enough that I can choose to value their values and choose to value their feelings as much as I do my own?

kyla 22:06

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 22:07

Wow.

kyla 22:08

And that's really unselfish.

Cheryl 22:09

That is really unselfish.

kyla 22:11

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 22:12

Oh, so surprise. I wonder who needs to be changed in all of this, right? Yeah. Wow. So, How would we wrap this up? Because I think this is really it, it comes back to loving others better being, being willing to draw the boundaries.'cause boundaries are loving and it's healthy.

christie 22:31

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 22:32

But that I have to love them more than I love

Carol 22:36

what I want.

christie 22:37

Mm-hmm.

kyla 22:38

Good.

christie 22:39

just thinking more on boundaries that, um. You know, boundary lines are drawn to, um, limit people from intruding too much on our space, but they also keep us from intruding too much on theirs in and, and

Cheryl 22:56

healthy boundaries.

christie 22:56

Yes.

Cheryl 22:57

Because it makes healthy relationships.

christie 22:58

Yes. And sometimes I need that boundary for myself more than I need it for them.

Cheryl 23:02

Yeah. And explain what do you mean by

kyla 23:05

that? Yeah, I was ask, gonna ask the same thing.

christie 23:06

Well, just, just like in our example, like, is is that part of their life, any of my business, or do I need to stay on my side of the boundary line Exactly that I set there and

kyla 23:18

then to muddy it. When they're a teenager under your roof. What's my business versus what am I letting you know?

christie 23:25

Muddy is the key word there.

Cheryl 23:28

Very messy. That's like 10 episodes. Yeah. For

kyla 23:30

know.

Cheryl 23:31

Oh wow.

christie 23:31

I mean, but, but the short answer of it is the boundary lines do start getting smaller and smaller and small. I mean, you know, you're in incremental amounts. We are broadening their territory. Right. And lessening ours.

Cheryl 23:45

And when you mean smaller and smaller mean. I need to give them to need more space.

christie 23:49

Shrink. Yes.

Cheryl 23:50

To live their life and make their choices and have their values and live it out.

christie 23:54

And they will disagree on where the line should be. They

Cheryl 23:57

sure will.

christie 23:58

But sometimes we have wrong expectations of where that line should be too.

kyla 24:04

That was good. I've got lines all over the place, ladies.

christie 24:08

Mm,

kyla 24:09

genders, ages, personalities, Uhhuh. Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 24:13

So, uh. Let me ask you one closing question. Having processed all of this, what would be one thing that you would've packed into your luggage to take with you that might've helped your trip and your experience like a takeaway?

kyla 24:34

I think. Not taking things personally.

Cheryl 24:38

Mm-hmm.

kyla 24:40

And just, I don't know how to say it better than just letting go of those expectations and saying. Even if this day doesn't look how I envisioned it, I can still enjoy it for what it is, and I can still love my children, even if they're not fitting into the mold and the timeline and the, you know, the plan for the day.

Cheryl 25:05

I mean, it's just messy. Mm-hmm. Okay.. Kyla, what I'd like you to finish up is go back and tell us what that quote was, that you had the mantra that you wanted to recalibrate yourself and your expectations and that you had, that you read to yourself every day on your trip.'cause I think this is a really good mindset for us to close with.

christie 25:26

Yeah.

kyla 25:26

Yeah. It was something I put on my calendar that I would read every morning, kind of as a mantra every single morning on my trip. And it said, I am not responsible for everyone's emotional experience today. I am allowed to rest, receive, and enjoy my marriage. Um, I'm gonna model a woman who rest. And my kids will benefit more from seeing a calm connected mom than a constantly giving one.

Cheryl 25:52

Mm. That's just excellent.

christie 25:55

It really is.

Cheryl 25:56

Wow. Excellent to process. Hey, thank y'all so much.

christie 26:00

Thanks. Glad to be

kyla 26:01

here. Cheryl and Christie, you're the best.

Cheryl 26:05

This is really fun, isn't it?

christie 26:05

So fun.

Cheryl 26:07

So parents remember, hang in there. Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.

Speaker 2 26:16

I think what I'm leaving with is this. Expectations don't just sit quietly inside us. They start reaching out for people and before I know it. I'm no longer loving others for who they are in that moment. I'm measuring them against what I hoped this would be. That's the turn for me, not fixing them, not forcing the moment. Just loosening my hold on what I wanted long enough to value the people in front of me again, and that may sound small, but it changes the relationship. If you wanna reach out, you can always find us at contact@theparentingpodcast.com or connect with us online. Thanks for being with us here today.