Who’s Talking to Your Kids | Ep. 206

The world is talking to your kids—are you in that conversation too? We’re starting something new to help you stay close right in the middle of it.

Transcript

Cheryl 0:00

it's really one conversation that I want to last throughout their lives.

Speaker 0:06

I am really glad you're here today because we're starting a new regular feature that I've been wanting us to have for a long time. These Culture and Conversation episodes are a way for us to step into the world. Our kids are living in the ones shaping them every day. Without feeling behind it or overwhelmed by it, but instead learning how to stay close to them right in the middle of it.

Cheryl 0:45

Christie, we are introducing something today that you and I have been excited to do for a long time. We just didn't know quite how to do it or have the right resources. Or even bandwidth.

Christie 1:00

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 1:01

To be able to do it.

Christie 1:02

Yes.

Cheryl 1:03

And I think we've got it.

Christie 1:04

Yes.

Cheryl 1:05

All right. So today, audience, we are introducing a new feature that we hope to have regularly here on TPP. And we're kind of calling it, culture and conversation., because what we want to do is. Equip our parents to be parenting in this culture at this time.

Christie 1:29

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 1:29

With their children. And to have an understanding of the culture. But the big emphasis is the word conversation.

Christie 1:38

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 1:38

Because if you've been a listener for any time at all, you know, we always say it's the conversation.

Christie 1:45

Yeah.

Cheryl 1:45

Keep bringing in the conversation. And so what we wanna do is. Talk about aspects of the culture and then, okay, how can we have conversations with our kids and, um, what to bring into and how to get started. I'm so excited.

Christie 2:04

I am too. I, I mean. Culture is one of my favorite conversations. Oh, it's to talk about

Cheryl 2:09

it is.

Christie 2:09

So I am really excited to do this, um, this feature that we're gonna offer. I think it's important for parents. I, I know it's important for me to, um, be curious about the culture our kids are growing up in, and you know, we talk a lot in culture about generations. Yes. You know, whether you're Gen X or Gen Z or millennial or, and you know, we've got Gen Alpha coming up and it really, they say generations are shortening. Yeah. Because things are changing so quickly. Yeah. And so I just think. You know, when we're parenting, it's like a cross-cultural interaction because our kids are, no matter how old our kids are, they're living in a different world than we were at their age. And so being curious and having these conversations is really the sweet spot in parenting. And in relationships

Cheryl 3:02

of course. And see, you said the C word, curious.

Christie 3:05

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 3:05

I think that's just an element that needs to

Carol 3:07

be in all Of our parenting.

Christie 3:09

Right?

Cheryl 3:09

And so what this is not is, this is not like your one stop shop of, okay, which apps can we use? And now what is in this movie and mm-hmm. And who is this? We're not gonna get. All the specifics of that. There are resources out there for all fantastic

Christie 3:26

ones.

Cheryl 3:26

Yeah. But what we're gonna do

Carol 3:28

is.

Cheryl 3:29

focus more

Carol 3:30

on What's going on? And then, well, how would we have conversations for this?

Christie 3:35

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 3:35

One of the resources that I would send our listeners to is one that I've been watching for quite a while, and I thought, this is what I want to use as a resource. And it is Axis A XIS and it's axis.org. So we will be pulling a lot of their resources.

Christie 3:54

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 3:54

But I would encourage parents to go to it. You can get something in

Carol 3:58

your Inbox., Of course they have podcast. They have a lot. Of resources and in depth that we won't go here.

Christie 4:06

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 4:07

And I send parents to that. They are, a

Carol 4:10

faith based Resource, but it doesn't permeate everything they do. So if, uh, your family isn't interested in that aspect, you can just skip that part and pull from all the rest. I've just found them to be balanced and, interesting. And I love their approach.

Christie 4:28

That's great. I mean, we need places like that to go and learn because we can't pre watch every movie, no, pre-read every book, um, and know all of the internet before our kids get there. And so those people have gone before us to do that research. That's fantastic.

Cheryl 4:46

Well, and one of the things about culture is it has to be now,

Christie 4:49

right?

Cheryl 4:50

Because when you're dealing with culture, this is the problem. You mentioned generations changing so fast, culture is changing all the

Christie 4:58

time. Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 4:59

So we need general. Resources and specific.

Christie 5:02

Right.

Cheryl 5:03

Because we don't wanna be ignorant.

Christie 5:04

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 5:05

That's one of the things you said. Curious. Um, wise, curiosity helps keep us from being ignorant. Like with apps I need to know what apps my kids are exposed to and what's the deep dive on them, and that's why we want good resources.

Christie 5:22

Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I'm, I mean. Like we said, the conversations are literally endless. Yes. Of what we could talk about with our kids. And so what we wanna talk about here is not so much the specific conversations that we need to be having with our kids, but more so that we wanna start the conversation, right. Capital C conversation at a very young age. Keep um, the relational bridge open that we talk about and be a safe place for our kids to share freely process things that they're seeing that might be new to them, good, bad, and ugly.

Cheryl 6:00

Yep.

Christie 6:00

And that they can come to us not expecting any kind of. Harshness or judgment or shutting down, we don't talk about that. That they feel freedom to, um, just process the world they're experiencing with us.

Cheryl 6:14

That's right. And when you say the conversation in the past, that's meant birds and bees.

Christie 6:18

Sure.

Cheryl 6:19

But we're talking about a lifestyle together of conversation.

Christie 6:23

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 6:24

One of the views that I have on parenting is I want to prepare my children for the culture they're in.

Carol 6:31

But, Previously. I would've said that what we're gonna try and do with, um, culture and conversations, it would've been more teen focused

Christie 6:42

mm-hmm.

Cheryl 6:43

But the problem is, and I look at my phone here.

Christie 6:45

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 6:46

Instant access with phones. You go down to young ones,

Christie 6:51

right?

Cheryl 6:52

They are exposed to it all the time. Right. So we have to be able to be having the conversations on an appropriate level all the way through.

Christie 7:02

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 7:02

And I love what you're saying about keeping that bridge open culturally. Uh. Because I will say it, when my children were young, there were certain subjects, I don't think they felt safe enough to walk across the bridge.

Christie 7:17

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 7:18

To say, mom, I need to tell you I'm struggling with this.

Christie 7:21

Yeah.

Cheryl 7:21

Okay. There were a lot of conversations we had and I tried to stay. relevant, but I had too much of a protection mentality.

Christie 7:32

Yeah.

Cheryl 7:33

That I would say that was too much. Uh, my kids would say shelter.

Christie 7:39

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 7:39

And I would say, well, I thought it was, I'm trying to protect, you know, like. When someone breaks their arm and you have a big cast on it, to begin with, and then it goes down to a brace maybe, and then maybe just a little wrap or something. Mm-hmm. But it was true. There was too much protection. Yeah, with what I did with my kids and uh, as I became more enlightened, as I learned more and I heard someone very wise person and he was talking about, particularly with our children and with us, you know, when you look at culture, are you trying to escape it and be protected from it? Are you embracing it? Or are you training and preparing to engage in it? Mm

Christie 8:27

mm-hmm.

Cheryl 8:28

You know, and that's what I wanted for my kids. I wanted them to engage the culture.

Christie 8:32

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 8:33

I want to be, right now, me, in this year, in this culture, I want to be someone that engages in the culture. Mm-hmm. And I can't do it if I'm ignorant and I can't do it if I'm not paying attention to what's happening in culture.

Christie 8:47

Right. Yes. Like you, Cheryl, I, I would say I parented with a turtle approach or, you know, like an ostrich, I guess. Stuck my head in the sand and just hoped that all the bad stuff would go away. By the time my kids got outta my house, I obviously didn't. Think that was reality, but that's how I wanted to pretend things could be. And I look back now and sometimes my kids and I can joke about the ways I would avoid conversations about hard things. Yeah. And I just regret that so much. Um, I. You know, we have great relationships now, but I know there's lots of things that my kids have shared with me that they didn't feel like they could talk to me back then. And we've done, like I said, a lot of restorative work, but I just know that I missed some really valuable interactions that could have helped them navigate those years better. Um, so I, I agree with you that embracing the culture and, you know, I think one of the, um. And maybe most tragic things out there right now is the influencer.

Cheryl 9:52

Yeah. Yeah.

Christie 9:52

And, and when you say that about wanting to help our kids engage the culture, I want my kids to be influencers in the world. Yes. I don't want them to be influenced. And so helping them have these conversations and process with you a broader perspective rather than just the trends of the day. Mm-hmm. Because we all know there's a, a, a wider wisdom. In the world than the quick paced influencing culture that, that they're consuming most of the time.

Cheryl 10:22

Yeah, You're right to, to be an influence

Christie 10:25

mm-hmm.

Cheryl 10:26

And the problem is if we are not engaged in ongoing conversation, like the big C conversation mm-hmm. Of this relational conversation. In the culture we're having right now, our children are going to be influenced and they may choose to embrace

Christie 10:44

mm-hmm.

Cheryl 10:45

Things that I would not have them embrace.

Christie 10:47

Sure.

Cheryl 10:47

They may fully embrace things in this culture that I would. Give my life to protect them from, but I want to be in that conversation.

Christie 10:59

Yeah. And that's why we have to fight in the midst of this to stay curious. Yes. We've got a lot of alliteration going on in this episode. We sure do. Curious not condemning and it's just flowing like honey out here. But I, I think what? We can be tempted, and I may have even had a bit of a tone, a, a, a bit of this tone a minute ago, but we can be tempted to be shaking our fist at this generation, you know, kids these days and Yeah. And be negative. But instead asking good questions of our kids. Well, what do you think about that? Why do you think that feels fun to you? Why do you think your friends are into this trend? And, asking those curious questions rather than, oh, I can't believe that they would do that. Or, oh, why would you wanna watch something like that? That's awful. That's not going to keep the conversations open.

Cheryl 11:51

And this doesn't start with a c. That neutralizes my influence on my children.

Christie 11:56

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 11:57

When I do that, if we condemn like that or if we're ignorant. I can remember I told my children, um, when I was a teenager. We navigated the teen years based on the collective ignorance of our peers.'cause I, I felt safe with my parents but they were just absolutely ignorant

Carol 12:20

and neutralized. they just didn't have any influence'cause they had no clue what was going on.

Christie 12:26

Mm mm-hmm.

Cheryl 12:27

We didn't have. Any of those conversations. And if we did, they were very awkward or it was generation to generation. And so then there we are left thrown to the peers.

Christie 12:39

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 12:40

And then now you bring in the internet and social media and all of that. So it's not just their peers, it's the peer of the whole world.

Christie 12:49

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 12:50

What I want is to help equip. Our audience so that they can be such an influence, listening relating to their kids, and then keep that conversation flowing back and forth.

Christie 13:05

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 13:06

That it's a conversation. And a dialogue and we're not trying to get somewhere. Mm-hmm. Or give our kids the right answer.

Christie 13:15

Yeah.

Cheryl 13:15

And then we want to equip them with answers, but we're not trying to get somewhere or and convince them of something Oh, another, see?

Christie 13:24

Right.

Cheryl 13:24

I'm not trying to convince them such and such, but we're having this conversation so they're equipped to think maybe with a much bigger perspective than they would have without us.

Christie 13:37

Right. You say not trying to get somewhere or not get somewhere. I remember the first few times that we had to engage in conversations that were uncomfortable and you know, I, something I learned from you early on was. When my girls started entering the teen years and they wanted to maybe read something or watch something that was more mature.

Cheryl 13:58

Yeah.

Christie 13:59

And I'm not talking about horribly inappropriate things, but just things that we hadn't encountered yet. Yeah. Um, was to watch it with them or read it with them. Yeah. And then talk about it. And I remember just feeling that sense of loss of their innocence. Yeah. When we started having to engage in some of those things. But you have to do it. You have to take your kids there, um, in healthy doses so that you can help build a framework for them of how to process those things. And again, I mean, every parent would know the experience. This that I'm talking about. We're not saying horrible things in the world, you know, at inappropriate ages. But when, you know, my girls started being interested in rom-coms. Yeah. And we wanted to talk about what is realistic romance and those kinds of things. Um, they need help navigating.

Cheryl 14:53

Yeah. And uh, I was with a young mom recently and. She's having to have these conversations with her younger children that she didn't expect quite so much. Mm-hmm. Because, uh, there's just a whole lot out there. This isn't waiting until 17, 18, 22 anymore.

Christie 15:13

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 15:14

And these are young children and they, it's a whole gamut of, um. Genders and identities mm-hmm. And pronouns. Mm-hmm.

Christie 15:25

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 15:25

And, uh, I'm so impressed because she's having the conversations and then really going, how much do I need to say? And then keeping that bridge open.

Christie 15:37

Yeah.

Cheryl 15:38

So they can say, okay, let's talk about that. How are you feeling about it? I mean, even I liked so much these conversation starters that, uh, I saw on axis. I mean, it was even like about emojis. Okay.

Christie 15:53

Okay.

Cheryl 15:53

So, um. There are certain emojis that are absolutely a hundred percent sexual.

Christie 16:00

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 16:00

But they look extremely innocent. Mm-hmm. And that's just ignorance, if you don't know about'em, and I'm not gonna say what some of'em were here, but I found out about'em last week because I happened to do the New York Times crossword puzzle and when they came up, I said, this is something just. Doesn't, isn't it my norm? And it turned out, yes, it was part of the

Carol 16:21

sexting code.

16:23

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 16:23

For parents, to stay aware. And the truth is, with culture, if you looked at yesterday's emoji list, tomorrow, there's something new and different, right? Like if someone's just going, Hey, and this is not sexting, but the six, seven. Mm-hmm. If they're just learning about six, seven, it's so passe, right? But what I liked, bringing in the conversation about emojis. Not like, oh, look at these bad emojis. You can't use them. But so their children understand the culture they're in. If their friends are using certain emojis, they do need to go, mom. They're using this emoji and I'm not sure what it means.

Christie 17:05

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 17:05

But one of the question starters was, hey, like at the table, if you are gonna create an emoji, what might it be? And you could start just talking about emojis. Mm-hmm. And the creativity of emojis. And I thought that was a great conversation starter. That might bring in the deeper and

Cheryl A 17:27

more important topics. And this is just emojis,

Christie 17:30

right?

Cheryl 17:31

But like that, that we could kind of start having different things. have you thought about this, this is a way of bringing the conversation in and here's some resources you could go to to learn more so that. You're not ignorant, and then your kids might say, Hey, you really know about furries and just things that are in the culture.

Christie 17:53

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 17:53

I mean, so sort of like how I felt about my parents, they were looking at my culture completely through the lens of their generation.

Christie 18:04

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 18:04

And were not considering. Um, that, that things were changing. Right. And it wasn't, it was a snail space compared to what's happening today.

Christie 18:13

Sure. Well, yeah, and I mean, things in a million ways are very different today.

Cheryl 18:19

Oh yeah.

Christie 18:20

Than they were when you know, your kids, some of your kids are my age. Yeah. And my kids are younger than that. But I also just, if this is an encouragement, wanna say. In some ways there's nothing new under the sun. And I think about, no, maybe your parents, I don't know if my math is right or my timeline's right, but would've said, you know, oh, Elvis Presley. We're not watching him because of the gyrating hips. Yeah. Well then you move forward. You know, my growing up years, it was Madonna. We weren't gonna listen to Madonna. And then you fast forward to Lady Gaga, there's always something. Thing out there that is pushing the boundaries. That's what pop culture does. It's gonna push the limits and kids are always going to be attracted to those things. And yes, the, the temperature on the water is surely higher than it used to be,

Cheryl 19:08

But it's still

19:08

water.

Christie 19:09

It's still water, it's still the forbidden fruit. It's still out there that the kids are gonna be drawn to. But like you're saying, we want to be a safe place that kids feel. Like they can actually engage with their parents on those things and not feel like their parents are obsolete.

Cheryl 19:27

Absolutely. So if we can talk about it, we kind of normalize. Uh, that forbidden fruit.

Christie 19:36

Mm mm-hmm. And the desire for it

Cheryl 19:38

and the desire for it to really talk about it. I mean, the old, old thing about sex is we don't, you know, old 18 hundreds or whatever, or even my mom growing up, you just didn't, they didn't know. And so it was this mystique and all of that sort of stuff. There was no. Normalizing of it so we could really talk about it. Mm-hmm.

Christie 20:01

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 20:01

And to bring the forbidden enticement down so we could have real conversations and you could talk about the pros and cons of things rather than keep it. Just this mysterious thing. Yeah. That's never talked about in our home. Uh, I, I mean, whether it's cigarettes or alcohol or cheating on exams or mm-hmm. Using AI to do your schoolwork, all the different things of morality.'cause morality is not just sex or stealing. Morality is also using AI and saying, you did it

Christie 20:38

right.

Cheryl 20:38

That's why we say it's one conversation and what's appropriate to be talking about with a 4-year-old is different from what you talk about to a 10-year-old.

Christie 20:48

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 20:48

But that we're open and having conversation and that we have conversation starters.

Christie 20:55

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 20:55

So that we can be

Carol 20:56

involved and. Trust the process.

Christie 21:01

That's really good. I have a fresh example, um, of this. I was talking with a 5-year-old the other day, and, um, she informed me that when her sister is mean, uh, she shows her her middle finger and I, you know, had to fix my face real quick and I, I said. Oh, well, what's special about that finger? Well, of course she doesn't know what the connotation is there. Yeah. And she said it's, it's mean being mean back is what she, and so she had picked this up somewhere. Yeah. You know, at a playground or school or something. And, I said, well, why can't you use another finger? And what does that finger mean? And we just, we kind of had this conversation of taking the power out of it.

Cheryl 21:44

Yep.

Christie 21:44

Because at five she just wants something powerful to do. Back to her big sister to be mean back. And, and it, it felt good at the end. By the end of the conversation, she thought, you know, well, yeah, I stick my pinky up as the same as the middle finger and, and lost all power. Hopefully she'll let, she won't do it again. We'll see. But I, I think that would be a very different conversation with a 13-year-old.

Cheryl 22:05

Yes.

Christie 22:05

And so when you engage these conversations, you want to keep in mind their age. You wanna keep in mind what their motive is, what they're really after. Mm-hmm. If it's just for attention, you know, they wanna feel big or, or whatever the case may be. But, um, those kinds of things are always going to be there for kids

Cheryl 22:23

and see if. You didn't know what that meant in ignorance. She wouldn't have

Carol 22:28

talked about It or out of fear. Mm-hmm. Or you're uncomfortable. Mm-hmm. And I love that you engaged her, you talked about it, and then we can start having the conversation of. You know, why are you doing it? How do you feel about that? Is this the way you want to treat other people?

Christie 22:45

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 22:46

And then we go back to our deep values, you know, oh, let's talk about it. And then maybe. How else could we do it? When you're feeling powerless like this, when you're frustrated, is there another way that we can talk to your sister mm-hmm. And deal with it and come back and let's talk about that some more.'cause I understand when I'm frustrated, I also wanna act on it.

Christie 23:11

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 23:11

And I love it. Not afraid to engage and have the conversation so that my values are just dripping all over what we say, but they feel safe to talk

Christie 23:26

about it. Right, because to your point earlier. Yeah, there will come a day when they are adults and they do have differing values on a spectrum of things, and we still want that relationship to be a safe place for them, even in that day.

Cheryl 23:42

Because what we're gonna do, and we're gonna wrap this up, that this new feature. Culture and conversations. We want kind of an understanding of what's going on and then how to have the conversation.'cause it's really one conversation that I want to last throughout their lives. And one of the things I will tell you, Christie, at my point in life is I treasure so much. That my children will come to me and talk about life with me.

Christie 24:11

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 24:12

And their life. And they feel safe even now at this point to come and talk with me. And I do a whole lot of listening and a whole lot less. Talking on my side because I want that relationship and conversations are just the way to do it.

Christie 24:30

Mm, I love that, Cheryl. It's something I learned from you and wanna grow in. For sure.

Cheryl 24:34

Oh, and I want to keep growing., I just had a conversation with a woman this morning and she was asking about relationships and mentoring and I said, it's loving someone to be very present. And listening, building that bridge. I mean, I'm saying the same thing to her as an adult with other grown women. And that to do that, to be the safe place and to love the other person well, and then to walk across that bridge with them so we can keep relationships. So that's the whole goal. Hey parents, I hope you're excited about it when we say this is another culture and conversation episode that you want to listen in and that we can help equip you that we are having the conversation with you so you can keep it going in your families.

Christie 25:27

That's right. I'm excited about this.

Cheryl 25:29

I am too. Okay. So parents, remember, hang in there. Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.

Speaker 2 25:39

Before we go, I want to remind you what matters most is that you keep showing up and stay in conversation with your kids. That steady presence is what holds over time. And it's often in those small, ordinary moments that this is happening more than you think. I'm really looking forward to continuing this with you in these conversations. We're so glad you're a part of this, and if you want to reach out, you can find us on our website, social media, or contact@theparentingpodcast.com.