When You Roll Your Eyes, They Stop Opening Up (Culture and Connection) | Ep. 207

The things your kids care about may not make sense to you—but how you respond matters. This episode looks at how stepping into their world builds lasting connection.

Transcript

Cheryl 0:00

if I'm not safe to say six, seven, why would I talk to you about how I feel about gender? Or drugs? Or the other deeper things of life.

Speaker 0:12

There's a moment most of us have had Your kid says something, repeats some phrase, brings up something from their world, and you feel that quick reaction in you. This is ridiculous. And it's so easy to brush past it, but what if instead of missing it, we used it today, we're taking a few real pieces of what's showing up in our kids' world right now and using them to open up better conversations so we can stay connected to them, not just watching from the outside.

Christie 1:08

Cheryl, I have been reliving the nineties lately in my mind. Oh, I, I

Cheryl 1:14

mean, it's so trendy right now. Yes. Nineties, everything.

Christie 1:17

Yes, I just watched a series. It takes place in the nineties, like a little biopic situation, uhhuh. Everyone's talking about the fashion and the trends and just reminiscing. So I'm right there in it. I'm just remembering the hairstyles. I was just

Cheryl 1:31

gonna ask you, you can go back to poofy hairstyle.

Christie 1:33

I know. Let's bring it back. I think I could still do it, but it's just making me think of, you know, how, how cool everything seemed. Yeah. When I was, you know, in my teens and twenties and um, then looking back it's like, oh, how could we have done that or enjoyed that do you ever think back on the trends and styles of things of your teen years?

Cheryl 1:56

Of course, my kids will tease me and say, you know, were you still writing on the sides of the caves back then? Oh gosh. Or had you invented the wheel? You know,

Christie 2:06

Uhhuh,

Cheryl 2:06

uhhuh. But, really is something about the teen years because of how you do really remember it so much. Right. There's so many memories and. to me it's incredible like music. You hear a song you haven't heard since you were in ninth grade. You can sing the whole song Oh, word

Christie 2:25

for word,

Cheryl 2:26

and you're back in it.

Christie 2:27

Uhhuh,

Cheryl 2:28

you know, with the big hair or the whatever it is.

Christie 2:30

Yeah.

Cheryl 2:31

You're back into it. Feeling it so deeply

Christie 2:35

and yet I can go to three stores

Christie (2) 2:37

in a week

Christie 2:37

and forget eggs every time. You know?

Cheryl 2:40

I know. It is really interesting. Yes. Like what you just said, how we look back on

Carol 2:45

our teen years oh, we cringe.

Cheryl 2:48

well,

Carol 2:49

I am a Mr Rogers fan.

Christie (2) 2:51

me too.

Carol 2:52

And it's how authentically he treated people. Mm. And one of the things,

Cheryl 2:58

He said, well, what happens a lot of times as parents, we forget what it's like to be a child.

Christie 3:05

Hmm.

Cheryl 3:06

And so we're. Parenting them the way we think we should be now instead of remembering this is what it feels like to be, wow, four years old, 14 years old, 18 years old, and having just empathy

Christie 3:20

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Cheryl 3:21

He was so empathetic. And Christy, I think that's something that we as parents have to bring up our. Empathy

Christie 3:29

mm-hmm.

Cheryl 3:30

With our children.

Christie 3:31

Yeah. And he had such a gift in being able to keep that awareness even into adulthood what he said is true. We often, as parents, have different goals or different values for that child than they have for themselves at that age. And It's easy to forget. What it was like to be a four year olds or a 10-year-old, or a 15-year-old. And those are the things that really don't change in a lot of ways. It being a 15-year-old is always hard no matter

Cheryl 4:03

what

Christie 4:03

generation. And, mm-hmm. Yeah. And just like you mentioned that kindness. Yes. And really at our core children or not, we're all just. Looking to be cared for and seen as human beings. And that's the gift he had,

Cheryl 4:18

he did of

Christie 4:18

seeing people.

Carol 4:19

And that's how I want to use our conversation today.

Christie 4:22

Yeah.

Carol 4:23

In our last Episode we said wwe wanted to talk about some culturally relevant things what's going on in our kids' lives in the culture.

Christie 4:32

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 4:33

And, I'm gonna give,, credit to axis.org. Free website it has great information if parents want to use it mm-hmm. To know what's going on,

Carol 4:43

It's just exactly what you're talking about to be culturally relevant, knowing what's going on in kids' lives and then what in the world do we do with it.

Christie 4:51

Right. Yeah. It really is a, a great help. And I think being culturally relevant, it just feels like this, um. Big task. Another thing to put on the list of parenting. That's true. It can feel overwhelming because you know, unless we're really intentional. Adult life and kid life are very different. Yes. They don't overlap a whole lot and it does take intentionality to lean into what's the culture your kids at their age are living in.

Cheryl 5:24

But what it takes though is the authenticity. And intentionality, which we've talked about. Mm-hmm. But particularly this, we simply can't try to become a groovy teenager and talk their way and, and dress like they do. Trying to be my age and imitating mm-hmm. Trying to be accepted as a bff

Christie 5:45

Right.

Cheryl 5:46

With my kids. But also, I don't wanna be dismissive about it.

Christie 5:50

Right.

Cheryl 5:50

And I would say. Two things that prevented me from doing a better job was one, ignorance. I just didn't know it was going on. Mm-hmm. Or what it meant. And that's why the internet can be a great resource like Axis is so I did not know what that term was, or I didn't know about that music. Or website, whatever it is. And then

Carol 6:14

second block would be fear.

Christie 6:17

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 6:17

Um. Oh, that doesn't sound good. Oh, I'm afraid of that. Well, we just won't do that, and so we just stay away from it because it's easier or I'm just motivated out of fear.

Christie 6:31

Yeah. Yeah. I think for me, the thing that I was challenged by one was just. Laziness. Like sometimes it was just hard to mm-hmm. Engage in every new trend or every movie or every this or every that, um, every song. And, um, but the other thing I think was I, when I look back, I think I kind of created a, a fairytale for myself that I could just kind of create in my mind, uh, who my kids were and that be true. Oh, wow. You know, like, oh, well, they, they wouldn't. Be interested in watching a movie like that Uhhuh, or they wouldn't listen to a song like that. And, it kind of goes along with the ignorance that you're talking about, but, um, the reality is that our kids are faced with a lot of influences and trends and, and they are gonna be curious about different things, but certainly like also that you mentioned the fear of. I would just shut things down. Well, we're not watching that movie. We're not, we're not, we're not playing with those kids. We're not doing this. We're not doing that. And, um, that wasn't helpful either.

Cheryl 7:35

Not at all. And a phrase or concept that I like the way axis phrases, it says, the one conversation that. We don't have the conversation about the talk about something. Mm-hmm. But we begin conversation with our little ones and we just continue the dialogue

Carol 7:57

hopefully Throughout their lives.

Christie 7:58

Mm-hmm. I love that because it, it's true if, whether it's bluey or whether. Gilmore girls or whether it's, you know, whatever the next thing is, at every age, it's always the cultural conversation evolving.

Cheryl 8:11

And it can be something very serious or

Carol 8:13

kinda silly But everything is value laden, whatever it is. What this concept does for me, Christie, is it takes the weight out of, I have to talk about sex right now and convey these important values to my children in this conversation with these heavy things instead of, this is just one more conversation in a series of dialogues that I want to have with them.

Christie 8:42

Yeah,

Cheryl 8:43

and if. I can start learning to be really authentic.

Christie 8:47

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Cheryl 8:49

And to listen to what they have to say.

Christie 8:52

Yes.

Cheryl 8:52

Instead of dismissive. There are a lot of things that you've referred to that it's easy to be dismissive about.

Christie 8:58

Yeah.

Cheryl 8:58

But the lack of respect that that shows.

Christie 9:01

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 9:01

Even for an 8-year-old or a 13-year-old, and I've been guilty of it. Like you say, you're busy, you have all these other things. Well, what's more important than your child's soul of who they are?

Christie 9:14

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 9:14

And so, um, I love this idea of let's begin a conversation that just lasts. And this is just another installment of whatever it's about. And I'm conveying my value, which I value you and I care about you. And this is a safe place to talk,

Christie 9:33

right? Yeah. And it, it starts at age three and you know, now I've got kids that are inching towards 30 and it's still happening. I read a phrase in a different context the other day that everything communicates. Like everything is communicating something. And I think that applies here with our kids of when they are interested, when they're saying, mom, can I watch this movie that's communicating an interest or a value of theirs? They have an interest in this movie. Okay, let now let's lean in and talk about, well, why do you wanna watch that movie? What about it is appealing? To you. And that is true when they're little bitty. And, and like I said, even now with my adult kids, I learn so much about who they are as people Yes. By what they're interested in. And I can ask those questions like, tell me more about that artist you're loving right now. And what do you love about their music And it's not any different than when they were teens.

Cheryl 10:27

That's exactly right. And what you just said is

Carol 10:30

connecting through Asking a lot of questions.

Christie 10:32

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 10:33

Instead of having it be a monologue.

Christie 10:35

Yes.

Cheryl 10:36

And part of the reason I had too much. Monologue on maybe some of the heavier issues or ones that raised my concern is because I've had an agenda.

Christie 10:47

Yeah,

Cheryl 10:47

I've got to get this over to you and protect you and make sure that I convey this instead of thinking long term. Let's talk about it here and then we, we'll dip more into it and continue as we walk along that bridge together in life. Um. It was fear.

Christie 11:05

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 11:06

Just did too much out of fear instead of let's have this conversation.

Christie 11:10

Right.

Cheryl 11:11

I think one thing that's an example of what we're talking about, uh, we recently had the Oscars and so no surprise, the song that won was Golden from the movie K-pop. Demon hunters. Okay. Which is an animated film, and I think everybody has probably heard of it. I mean, Christie, it has blown the top off of everything. Streamable. Um, I, I didn't know how many multimillions of times it's been listened and watched. Mm-hmm. And imitated. Okay, so this is a prime example. Of where I would've let fear come in. Mm. Because listen to that name, demon Hunter.

Christie 11:52

I remember the first time I heard it, I was like, oh my word.

Cheryl 11:55

Mm-hmm.

Christie 11:55

Yeah.

Carol 11:56

So actually. My grandchildren were talking about it. So I went, I listened to the song, I watched the, trailer from the movie. I didn't watch the whole movie, and Christie. I was delightfully relieved to see, I guess I would say almost the innocence of it.

Christie 12:15

Okay.

Cheryl 12:16

Instead of being demon hunters, uhhuh, they were positive. It had so many good values. The music is catchy. Um. So without the research, I wouldn't have gone, oh, this actually supports values that I have. Mm-hmm. It was interesting because the values they show is we need to be who we really are and positive and resilience and fight against wrong

Christie 12:48

so the heroes are the good guys.

Cheryl 12:49

The heroes are the good guys. And of course she falls in love with the head guy and all that

Christie 12:53

uhhuh,

Cheryl 12:53

And community that we need one another and we don't hide things in the dark. We bring'em to the light and we can be more true to who we are. These are fantastic values. There are movies. And there's music and there are books that do not reflect those.

Christie 13:12

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 13:12

And so that's where taking the time to do a little research and then let's watch it, let's talk about it and have good conversations about it. Or if it's not like K-Pop here, if they don't support the values we

Carol 13:28

believe in. How about like what you said, let's watch it together and talk about it. Mm-hmm. Or go and find good balanced information of what's really in there and whether or not this is a movie we shouldn't watch, and then have the conversation, why I'm not watching that movie.

Christie 13:44

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 13:45

Why I don't think we should watch it at this point.

Christie 13:48

Yeah. And verbalizing that processing for our kids. Yeah. Just helps a couple things. It helps them learn how to process those choices when they're of age to make those choices themselves. But it also shows them that we are not being dismissive instantly. Yeah. That we are giving good, hearty thought to this and we are processing. Uh, all the factors, not just saying, oh, I don't like the word demon, so we're not gonna watch that show. Yeah. Um, it, it shows that you're being a thoughtful parent and that you care about them. You wanna say yes if you can, but for these reasons, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to say no.

Cheryl 14:22

See, I think that's a fantastic one. Conversation

Christie 14:25

Yeah.

Cheryl 14:25

That I'm communicating all of that to my children rather than, no, we don't do that.

Christie 14:29

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 14:31

Which was a lot. Of in my lifetime, that was a lot of

Carol 14:35

supposedly engaged, informed good parenting is We just don't do that.

Christie 14:39

Right. We have a funny thing in our family. I, I never wanted my kids to watch SpongeBob. Not for any moral reason, just because it was obnoxious. And my kids now have recently said, thanks for not letting us watch SpongeBob. It's just, it's, it is obnoxious. And, and you know, I. I didn't have a good reason. That wasn't a good reason to say no. And it, it's just a joke more than anything. I don't think they even really had an interest in watching it. And no shame to anyone out there watching SpongeBob. But I think it's an example of the laziness in my parenting right. Of just saying, I don't wanna watch that show. And, you know, that's not helpful. It's not helpful to the process of, uh, of what we're talking about.

Cheryl 15:21

Yes. If I say chicken banana, do you have any idea what I'm talking about?

Christie 15:26

I have no idea what you're

Cheryl 15:26

talking about. Okay.'cause you don't have that young, age group in your life. Okay. Okay. So it's. Something that said, and my grandchildren will say, when they're leaving each other, they'll go chicken bananas. So I went and looked it up.

Christie 15:38

Okay.

Cheryl 15:39

And so some Swedish company came out with it, and it's a TikTok phenomenon and it means nothing.

Christie 15:47

Oh,

Cheryl 15:48

kind of right now there's a trend maybe that. Having no meaning is the meaning.

Christie 15:52

Yeah. It's like Gibby toilet.

Cheryl 15:54

Yes, exactly. Okay. Six, seven uhhuh. And so this is a new one that's out. I'm sure That it's already moved past. But here's the thing, like I have friends that are teachers and uh, I have a daughter who's an ice skating coach. And so this last year, the answer to. Anything that could have a number vaguely attached to it was six seven.

Christie 16:21

Sure.

Cheryl 16:21

And they were so tired of it. Mm-hmm. And I know a lot of parents are tired of it. Uh, it's something absolutely innocuous. It has no value whatsoever, but this is a place where, again,

Carol 16:35

the tendency,, towards the dismissiveness of it.

Christie 16:39

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 16:39

Instead of choosing to love. My children who are repeating these things, whatever age, they could be in their twenties or thirties, and they're saying something I wouldn't choose to say. Right., And I don't mean in any way something vile that shouldn't be said, but I'm talking about like this A trend

Christie 16:57

childish

Cheryl 16:57

thing. Childish,

Christie 16:58

yeah.

Cheryl 16:59

Saying it or quoting it. Um, again. I was guilty of rolling my eyes,

Christie 17:06

right?

Cheryl 17:06

Or huffing going, oh, again, six, seven again. Mm-hmm. Instead of laughing and enjoying it.

Christie 17:14

Right.

Cheryl 17:15

And showing that value to my children or other children. Because what I've realized with my children being the age that they are. That it really is caught rather than taught.

Christie 17:25

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 17:26

So those places where I made these mistakes my children picked up that I was treating people as other.

Christie 17:33

Yeah.

Cheryl 17:34

And one of the things I saw they picked up from me was where I did show

Carol 17:39

value To others that were different. Mm-hmm. And, they picked up on the value. And it was the movie of me I played out before them.

Christie 17:48

Mm.

Cheryl 17:48

And I didn't realize it.

Carol 17:49

it I'm so thankful. god allowed me to do some right things. Yeah. In the midst of all my mess.

Christie 17:57

Yeah.

Cheryl 17:57

And that's what I'm trying to say. Even to go chicken bananas. Mm-hmm. Instead. Smiling and

Christie 18:05

Right.

Cheryl 18:05

I can choose to smile. And laugh with them. Mm-hmm. Instead of. Treating them as other.

Christie 18:11

Yeah.

Carol 18:12

And devaluing what they are. Valuing even when it's something that so silly.

Christie 18:16

right.

Cheryl 18:17

Does that make sense?

Christie 18:17

It does. And I'm thinking of, um, I remember reading a book on the teen years, and they talked a lot about how even upper elementary years moving into teen years, that, the kids really start identifying more with their peers and their culture That's right. Than they are their parents and their home lives. And that's natural and good. That's the way it, it's to be so that they can become independent adults. But that when we are thinking that we are just rolling our eyes at six, seven or annoyed by SpongeBob Yeah. They are taking it very personally. Because you are now rolling your eyes at something they identify with deeply, you're, you're saying. not only is six, seven obnoxious, but I that your daughter or your son am obnoxious and that it's, they almost can't separate mentally themselves from their current culture.

Cheryl 19:07

Two things I wanna say in that. You're right. There is actually something I'm pointing to the back of my head because it's something way back there in the brain, in the teenage brain that is a loyalty factor.

Christie 19:21

Oh, okay.

Cheryl 19:22

I don't know if I were a psychologist, I give you what it is. Sure. But there's a loyalty factor and we'll just use this six, seven,

Christie 19:31

mm-hmm.

Cheryl 19:31

Or chicken bananas, but. Even if they don't say it themselves, they're loyal

Christie 19:37

Yes.

Cheryl 19:37

To their peer group for saying it.

Christie 19:39

Right.

Cheryl 19:39

So you're right. They take it personally. Mm-hmm. But even in the bigger picture, even if they are still aligned with me, what they're watching me play out is my disrespecting other people because they don't agree with me.

Christie 19:53

Right?

Cheryl 19:54

So that means, oh, if I step across this line. My mom is going to be against me.

Christie 20:00

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 20:01

My parents won't accept me.

Christie 20:03

Right.

Cheryl 20:03

If they don't use the right words, if they don't dress the right way, if they don't treat other people the way I think they

Carol 20:09

should, if They don't vote the way they should If they don't wear the right whatever. Oh, they don't accept them. Oh, that means me. Mm-hmm. I better toe the line or hide.

Christie 20:20

Right.

Cheryl 20:20

Does that make sense?

Christie 20:21

It does, and it, it makes me think, I think something we've talked about on the podcast before is listening to the little things so that they'll share the big things. You know, you sit and listen for hours about their Lego creations so that when they're older, you've built trust to hear about the big things. Well. The same principle applies here, where when you're rejecting those tiny things, like six, seven is our redundant example here. Yeah. But, um, then they are now identifying or making that connection of, well then she's also going to reject my opinion on this social issue or my alignment with this cultural narrative. And, and it just becomes. Bigger and bigger. It snowballs.

Cheryl 21:03

I'm really listening to you because what hypocrisy?

Christie 21:07

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 21:08

Okay. So move back up to these terms we don't like, or dress or hairstyle. Yes. Particularly things that. Don't matter what a hypocrite I am. If I've raised them to say, we treat people kindly. You have to, I'm gonna require you not hit your sibling. I'm gonna require, you can't grab that out of their hand because we're gonna show value and I'm not showing value to their culture.

Christie 21:35

That's so true. It's so true. And I mean, we're sitting here as two. Two moms who have blown this time and time again, boy, I mean, we could sit here and make lists of ways that we, um, did not value our kids even in the smallest, silliest ways. Um, and that that did communicate to them. Something. Yes. And I, I just acknowledge that for the parent that's out there listening, like, oh my gosh, now I can't even be annoyed by a silly song. You know? It just feels like a high expectation. And so there's grace upon grace. Yeah. For all the ways that we fail and we're going to, I mean, we can't be on perfect behavior all the time. And that's where those magic words, I'm sorry, come in and humility to say, Hey, I'm sorry that I said that earlier. I bet that made you feel. Fill in the blank.

Cheryl 22:24

That is fantastic.

Christie 22:25

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 22:27

And we've used some minor examples, but it, it permeates everything. Yeah.

Christie 22:33

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 22:33

The areas that are a lot more serious than what we've talked about today. The'cause if I'm not safe to say six, seven, why would I talk to you about how I feel about my gender?

Christie 22:46

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 22:47

Or drugs? Mm-hmm. Or staying in school or the other deeper things of life.

Christie 22:53

Right. And you know, I think too. Not just the things we say to our kids directly, but the way we speak of others in general.

Cheryl 23:02

Yes.

Christie 23:03

I, I can remember a time I made a comment of someone's clothing choice and my girls heard it and later told me that they liked that outfit and they felt like. I was saying it to them when I said it about this other person and, and, oh, I hadn't made that connection. But I'm just thinking of all the ways I've probably done that. Not realizing whether it be something as silly as a clothing choice or bigger issues. You know, political thoughts. Yes. And um, just social things. I, I just think so often we speak off the cuff and Our kids hear our opinions louder, especially if they identify with any of those opinions that we might be opposing.

Cheryl 23:47

And we need to wrap this up, but what I don't want to leave is a heavy weight, like you said, that we

Carol 23:54

are saying, oh, now you have to do all this perfectly. You're right. What I want to do is encourage your audience to be aware.

Christie 24:00

Yeah. Yeah.

Cheryl 24:01

Because we're not gonna change overnight, but I can begin to make incremental changes.

Christie 24:06

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 24:07

I mean, it's atomic habits, right?. But that's what it is. Tiny little changes end up making a huge change in the end..

Christie 24:15

Yes. And we're also not saying you're never gonna put a boundary or saying no.

Cheryl 24:20

Oh,

Christie 24:20

absolutely not. You're not gonna endorse everything they believe in or have opinions on.

Cheryl 24:25

But we can talk about it,

Christie 24:25

but we can have those conversations.

Cheryl 24:27

That's right,

Christie 24:28

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 24:28

Because relationships are built out of conversations.

Christie 24:33

That's so good.

Cheryl 24:35

So Christie here's to the one conversation?

Christie 24:38

Yes.

Cheryl 24:39

Okay. Hey, parents, remember, hang in there. Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.

Speaker 2 24:47

As you head into this week. Watch for those small moments when your kids bring you something from their world and instead of reacting quickly, stay curious, just a little longer. You don't have to like it or even fully understand it, but leaning in and asking one more question changes what they experience with you. It tells them you're willing to step toward them, not away. And if you want help knowing what's actually showing up in their world, axis.org Is a simple place to start. If today got you thinking, you can find us on our website, connect with us on social, or email us at contact@theparentingpodcast.com. I look forward to being with you again next time.