Don’t Drift Into Your Evenings | Ep. 222

Most of us spend more time getting ready for school than getting ready for the season we’re about to live together. Sometimes one small, intentional change in an ordinary evening can quietly change the culture of a family.

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Cheryl 0:00

The truth is you're going to have

Cheryl A 0:02

a family

Cheryl 0:02

culture, but are you going to design it- or are you gonna drift?

Speaker 2 0:08

Back to school has a way of making us plan everything, the backpacks, the schedules, the activities, who has to be where and when. But while we're getting everyone ready for school, are we getting our family ready for fall? Because the hours between coming home and going to bed quietly become the culture of a family. The question isn't whether those hours will shape you, the question is whether you'll shape them first.

Christie 0:54

Cheryl, we are coming into my favorite time of year The most wonderful time of year is not necessarily Christmas for me.

Cheryl 1:02

Really? Are you talking about the hot days of August?

Christie 1:05

No, no, no. We need to rush past that. But-

Cheryl 1:08

What are, what are you ta- I don't know what you're even talking

Christie 1:10

about back to school time. Oh. I love it.

Cheryl 1:13

Really?

Christie 1:13

Yes. We're entering into the fall, which-

Cheryl 1:16

Oh,

Christie 1:16

yeah you know, I'm an autumn, so I love the fall. Yeah, me- m-

Cheryl 1:19

uh, I, I love the fall, too,

Christie 1:20

But to me, it's, I know in Oklahoma we're still wearing shorts well into- Yeah you know, it's, it's not fall until November around here. But in my brain, as we go into the back to school season- Yeah it might as well be. All the stores are starting to put out school supplies- Yeah and, um, I just love it. I, I, even though I don't have kids going back to school like I used to- Yeah. it's just still a fun time.

Cheryl 1:47

I didn't know you felt that way but there is something fun about the sharpened pencils- Yes and the new notebooks. And I'll tell you

Cheryl A 1:56

what it is for me. it's sort of like we're turning a new page-

Christie 2:00

Right

Cheryl 2:01

and we have the chance now to really do it all well.

Christie 2:04

It's like a new year kinda feeling. Yeah.

Cheryl 2:06

It

Christie 2:06

really is. Yeah, like a Happy New Year kinda feeling, yeah.

Cheryl 2:08

Y- you know, and I can remember my years in school. Oh, I'm really gonna keep my locker straight, you know? Mm-hmm. I'm, and I'm- Mm-hmm gonna recopy all my notes over again every night. Right.

Christie 2:20

And, you know, it just made me start thinking about families going back, kids going back to school- Yeah and new routines and rhythms, and, um, thinking maybe we could talk today about a topic that I don't know if it gets talked about a lot, and-

Cheryl 2:33

All of this because, I mean, we've done back to school, we've done whole series on public, private homeschooling and different things.

Christie 2:41

Yeah. So I think it's the timeframe of the day that is the most potent in a family- Yeah the evenings. After our day apart, you know, we've all gone our different ways- Yeah and tackled all of our tasks, um, I just feel like when I think back on, uh, the rhythms of our family, those evening hours, the hours between dinner and bedtime- Yeah you know, just feel like a power-packed time of day.

Cheryl 3:11

I will say, I think it's a lot of times a very stressful time for families. Can

Christie 3:15

be. Y-

Cheryl 3:16

know, I heard you say a word in that that I like. You said rhythms.

Christie 3:20

Yeah.

Cheryl 3:21

We talk about that a lot here because, Christie, the problem is if we could come up with like one, two, three families, here's how you could curate these- Right wonderful sit around the fire, you know, back in the day-

Christie 3:36

Uh-huh

Cheryl 3:37

type evenings, but in our listening audience, think about we have, we have big families, we have little families, we have families with all teens.

Christie 3:46

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 3:47

We've got single parents, we have co-parenting-

Christie 3:51

Mm-hmm

Cheryl 3:52

where they have different kids different nights, and then a lot of families that have two incomes.

Christie 3:59

Right.

Cheryl 3:59

And so we have both parents working-

Christie 4:01

Mm-hmm

Cheryl 4:02

and we have public, private, and homeschool. Yeah. So we have got like the entire palette of all the mixtures.

Christie 4:10

Right.

Cheryl 4:11

And so I agree with you. Let's talk about, let's process, not to say, here's how you fix it- Mm-hmm and have this wonderful Norman Rockwell evening- Right but how can we design, and- Intentionally, not curate, I don't want that, but maybe instead of having default-

Christie 4:32

Mm-hmm

Cheryl 4:33

and letting those schedules and everybody's energy level and the, uh, immovable parts dictate-

Christie 4:42

Mm-hmm

Cheryl 4:42

or stumble into what our default is, What are the issues to intentionally try and come up with what you said, a rhythm- Right of a culture. That's what I'm thinking. What kind of culture do we want in the evenings? W- and that could back up to even after school for school-age kids, but certainly evenings.

Christie 5:04

Yeah, I mean, I think, you know, maybe in those very early years if you only have little bitty kids, the evenings don't seem significant.

Cheryl 5:12

Mm.

Christie 5:13

But as you get into, you know, school-age kids- Yeah even if you have one school-age child in your home, you start finding that that handful of hours really do require what you said, intentionality, and I think that's, that's where we start, is, taking inventory of what our values are in our family and what kind of, um, ways we can incorporate that into our evening routines with intentionality.

Cheryl 5:40

I agree with you, 'cause if I think about our lives, particularly The days and the week schedules-

Christie 5:47

Mm-hmm

Cheryl 5:47

we used to have these things called paper calendars.

Christie 5:49

Right.

Cheryl 5:50

So we had paper calendars, and we had daily, um, blocked-out schedules- Mm-hmm that were on the refrigerators for each kid. So we actually did that, but we didn't do that for the evenings.

Christie 6:02

Yeah.

Cheryl 6:02

I mean, we had things that were scheduled in the evenings, but I like what you're saying, um, because I think I would have thought about, um- Just changing the routine instead of building, architecting something that, uh, like what you said, reflects our values.

Christie 6:22

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 6:23

And then is the reality of what our family really is in this season.

Christie 6:28

Yeah.

Cheryl 6:28

So whether it's little ones, whether it's teens, whatever, there's so many combinations. Um, that's why we can't give the one, two, three answer-

Christie 6:38

Right

Cheryl 6:38

because it's not right for every family.

Christie 6:40

Yeah. Yeah, I think, you know, we have talked before about how important mealtimes are.

Cheryl 6:46

Mm-hmm.

Christie 6:46

And I, I think more often than not, dinnertime traditionally may be the only meal most families get together. Yeah.

Cheryl 6:56

Yeah.

Christie 6:56

Um, and so that I think might be, you know, just a good place to start talking about how our evenings look.

Cheryl 7:03

Yes, And when we've talked about meals and how important they are, studies all prove it really is, there's something almost magical about it-

Christie 7:12

Mm-hmm

Cheryl 7:12

that we want to access and use that for our benefit, not for the condemnation of, "Oh, great, what are we gonna do?"

Christie 7:19

No, but look at it as a resource for us. Yes. Yeah.

Cheryl 7:22

And, the studies actually show it doesn't even matter if it's on the go.

Christie 7:28

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 7:28

It's trying to build in a culture of togetherness, even if it's drive-through on the way- Mm-hmm to soccer practice-

Christie 7:35

Mm-hmm

Cheryl 7:35

that we're eating together in the car and having conversation, and we're intentionally kind of interacting with each other rather than everybody eats

Cheryl A 7:45

isolated, And scrolling. Of course, devices are a big problem.

Christie 7:48

Yeah.

Cheryl 7:49

Or we're at the soccer field Or in your case, the dance studio

Christie 7:53

Mm-hmm

Cheryl 7:53

that we all sit here together and we eat our Chick-fil-A together

Christie 7:58

Right

Cheryl 7:58

even if it's just five or six minutes, that that really has benefit.

Christie 8:04

Yeah, just the being together- Mm-hmm and you've got a captive audience. You know- nobody's going anywhere for the next 15 to 20 minutes, so you, you might as well utilize that time and space. And, um, yeah, I think the advantage you have with incorporating things into a mealtime is that they are routine. That's- We have to eat every night- Yeah so why not stack something, you know, you hear of habit stacking, why not stack something onto the habit of eating that is not going to escape you? You're not going to not have time-

Cheryl 8:36

No

Christie 8:36

to sit down and eat.

Cheryl 8:37

I, I knew a family, and as their kids aged and got teens, and they, they realized they'd lost this.

Christie 8:46

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 8:46

And they weren't having meals together. I think they had maybe some college kids still living at home,

Cheryl A 8:53

on down youngers And they said, we're gonna have a family meeting." And they got together with their schedules, and they just couldn't find a night- Yeah that they could get everybody together, so they had a weekend time Seemed to me, okay, so this was a church-going family, but they decided, 'cause their church offered a Saturday night-

Christie 9:15

Okay

Cheryl 9:15

service, so they decide what we'll do we'll go to the Saturday night service, and then we'll have Sunday morning brunch together.

Christie 9:23

Oh, okay. Yeah.

Cheryl 9:24

And so everybody clear the deck, and we'll just intentionally... Of course, if people couldn't, but they made the intention now-

Christie 9:31

Right

Cheryl 9:32

and special, and they didn't have to have homemade cinnamon rolls every week. Mm-hmm. It's just intentionally being together.

Christie 9:41

Yeah, that's good, and I love that because reality is that most families aren't going to be able to sit down every single night at- Yeah the exact same time around the table. But, fighting to find a place on the calendar that most everyone, most of the time, can make it and, and different seasons that's gonna be easier than others. Yeah. Um, but fighting for it.

Cheryl 10:05

Yeah. And I'm thinking maybe parents that have little bitty ones, that their culture around their table's a little bit different.

Christie 10:12

Right.

Cheryl 10:13

The conversations and so forth. But again, I would fight for the joy around the table rather than worrying so much about table manners- Yeah and so forth, that you're enjoying being together-

Christie 10:27

Mm-hmm

Cheryl 10:27

during this season when they kind of are a captive audience.

Christie 10:30

Right. You know, when my oldest was really young, we started, lots of people do a version of this, um, but we would just say our favorite part of the day and- Yeah. Yeah the yucky part of the day. You know, people call it high-low or, um, different things, but That's something we started when we just had the one preschooler- Wow and the baby, and, um, still to this day, if we sit down, I mean, my kids are all in their 20s now, if we sit down at our table, that's the first thing we're gonna be talking about- Mm because it became a habit. And I think the only reason that has stuck for, you know, almost 30 years now is because it was simple.

Cheryl 11:09

Yes.

Christie 11:09

And that would be my encouragement- Yeah is just find something that's very simple and sustainable, um, because if you overcomplicate things, it's easy to get overwhelmed by it and not stick with it. Th-

Cheryl 11:22

But my problem was, "Oh, if this is good, what if we take it exponentially better- Oh, yeah, yeah and we really do this, and we have, you know, meals of different cultures- Uh-huh. and we do this, and, so much more." Right. Instead of making it sustainable.

Christie 11:41

Yeah.

Cheryl 11:42

And that, I think, is one of the words I would hand families is be intentional, and then what's, will be sustainable in this season right now for your family?

Christie 11:52

Right.

Cheryl 11:52

I'm thinking of a, friend of mine, and she fairly recently has become, um, single again, and she shares,, parenting with the father.

Christie 12:04

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 12:04

So she can't even do every week type thing. It's a different situation.

Christie 12:10

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 12:10

So, she's looking at her schedule with her kids and trying to find creatively, "Okay, we can't do it every," but so I think she has, like, every other Sunday night.

Christie 12:22

Okay.

Cheryl 12:23

'Cause her kids are older.

Christie 12:24

Uh-huh.

Cheryl 12:24

And so they've agreed, yeah, every other Sunday night, let's meet together."

Christie 12:30

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 12:30

And I, I'm gonna tell you, Christie- I'm so impressed with her attitude about it.

Christie 12:37

Mm.

Cheryl 12:37

Because instead of there being a lot of resentment or discouragement-

Christie 12:41

Mm-hmm

Cheryl 12:41

because she used to have everybody home all the time- Right you know, um, that she's just embracing this, and she's trying to make it this life-giving time with her family-

Christie 12:54

Mm-hmm

Cheryl 12:55

because she's investing in it.

Christie 12:56

I love that. Yeah, just going back to that intentionality and, like you said, perspective and-

Cheryl 13:01

Mm-hmm

Christie 13:02

attitude towards it. I, I remember a season where, All of them were in high school. My oldest had, had moved out. She was, had already graduated, but, there were no nights. I mean, people- Mm had part-time jobs. They had activities. Yeah, yeah. We had no nights, and so we had to fight for something. And so we found one lunchtime- a week, that we could all overlap and, um, we would go to Chick-fil-A because we were all coming from different directions. Oh. And we'd go to Chick-fil-A, and we would sit and make up fun stories for the people driving through the drive-through- and just, like, create these, like, fictional characters. You know, like, "Oh, I bet she's eccentric and from Paris," or, you know- Yeah just fun things, and it was so one of the most fun memories we have from that season- Oh where it didn't look conventional, like we were all sitting around- Yeah a homemade chicken pot pie every night, but it was something. You know, it was something to connect with, and it didn't happen as often as we wanted, but it actually magnified it by having it out of the norm.

Cheryl 14:04

You know, that's an example of what we're talking about here. Yeah. The creativity to make the connection, and then that builds just good memories.

Christie 14:13

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 14:13

I know another- situations. Now, he's grown now, but he remembers really hard childhood, and his mom was a single mom,, the dad was not in the picture. Mm-hmm. And it was really hard. And they didn't have much money, and she had to work a whole lot. But she was a good, loving, investing mom.

Christie 14:34

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 14:35

But what it looked like in their circumstances is every night, 10 minutes, like, she would sit on his bed when he was going to bed, and they would just sit and enjoy one another, talk about their days, connecting. Hmm. I mean, she had to use a lot of um, piecing together some childcare- Mm-hmm and just different things. It was a hard life.

Christie 15:00

Yeah.

Cheryl 15:01

But that was 10 minutes. I mean- I

Christie 15:02

love that

Cheryl 15:03

it was a deep golden treasure because what it said was the value that she had for him, and that even though theirs was an atypical situation from a lot of, families, that it mattered.

Christie 15:18

Yeah.

Cheryl 15:19

We are family with each other, and that deep connection. And I mean, he treasures his mom so much.

Christie 15:24

I love that. Yeah,

Cheryl 15:26

So coming back to this being the beginning of the school year- Yeah for most people, or even for those with, that are preschooler, still the rhythms- Mm-hmm

Christie 15:37

of

Cheryl 15:37

the fall, to actually look at your evenings.

Christie 15:42

Yeah.

Cheryl 15:43

And then set aside a time if you're married, that we sit down and let's go, you know, what do we value?

Christie 15:50

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 15:50

Maybe we value communication or-

Christie 15:53

Yeah

Cheryl 15:54

uh, camaraderie, or maybe, like, laughter and fun.

Christie 15:58

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 15:58

Some families say, "That's really a priority. We would like to spend our time together playing games."

Christie 16:03

Right.

Cheryl 16:04

Didn't you, didn't Tim do that when yours were little?

Christie 16:06

Oh, we're big game people, yes. Yes. Yeah, we would... I mean, when our kids were really young, it was, you know, uh, simple games like Candy Land, but then they got older. It was, you know, card games. But yeah, his thing was after dinner, he'd usually grab the kids and they'd play a game while I cleaned up or, uh, read a book or took a bath or something that I could have a little bit of time myself. Um, but yeah, that was a, a big thing for them, and they still have memories of which game. I mean, our card games, Cheryl, would be just raggedy- Oh because they'd, somebody'd get mad and throw a card or-

Cheryl 16:42

See, this reminds us while saying that friend that is a single mom, look at the gold that's in their memories and their heart-

Christie 16:49

Yeah

Cheryl 16:49

and what it

Cheryl A 16:49

did for your family. I like togetherness.

Christie 16:53

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 16:54

And particularly when we've all been going all our different everythings, I love togetherness, and you mentioned while you do the dishes. So I'd like us to do the dishes and all together to clean up- Mm-hmm if we're having dinner at home.

Christie 17:07

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 17:07

But we do it together, and there's conversation and all of that, rather than a chore to be completed.

Christie 17:13

Right.

Cheryl 17:13

Just kind of that being incorporated. Yeah,

Christie 17:17

and there's different seasons. I mean, when our kids got older, our family rule became, "If you helped cook, you don't have to help clean." Yeah. And so then- Yeah you know, you're in- instilling some responsibility and gratitude for the person that prepared the meal because, you know, y- there's a trade-off there.

Cheryl 17:34

And, and you know, you said, like, fun-

Christie 17:36

Mm-hmm

Cheryl 17:36

is, is a big value. But another family, particularly if they were a different temperament or they've just in a stressful season or situation, that just peace and rest.

Christie 17:49

Yeah, yeah.

Cheryl 17:49

But we're gonna do it intentionally together-

Christie 17:51

Right

Cheryl 17:52

not on our devices.

Christie 17:53

Right.

Cheryl 17:54

You know, that, that we-

Christie 17:54

Maybe you need to decompress from the day

Cheryl 17:57

just, we're gonna sit together, and they could actually read a book or have something they're working through. And, you know, you were talking about stacking habits-

Christie 18:06

Mm-hmm

Cheryl 18:06

that, you know, those things, you know, atomic habits, all of this, a little habit over a long time just reaps such rewards. I think the stat is if you read 15 minutes a day- over a year, you've read a million words.

Christie 18:22

Oh, wow. Yeah.

Cheryl 18:23

So you may not have three hours to sit and read at night or whatever- Right like Abraham Lincoln, but you could say, "This is our family book that we're reading together." Yeah. And so for that peace and rest that we're all sitting around together, and we'll read for 15 minutes.

Christie 18:40

Right.

Cheryl 18:41

But we're gonna do it together.

Christie 18:42

Yeah.

Cheryl 18:43

Okay, we can't do it every night. Okay, we're gonna do it whatever, architect Tuesday and Thursday nights we're gonna read this unless something intervenes on it.

Christie 18:51

Yeah.

Cheryl 18:52

Just again, the consistency, just like your little card games, that consistency over a long time, it just builds so deeply-

Christie 19:01

Right

Cheryl 19:02

into our souls.

Christie 19:03

Right. And it knits our families together. I know a family that they learned a word a week together- Oh, that's good like a little vocabulary word, and then they'd try to incorporate it in their conversations, and everyone would report back how they used it that day. And so there's lots of ways that just don't take a ton of time to connect- But- and reflect our values as a family.

Cheryl 19:22

That's why you were saying that, you said the word connect. That's what I'm thinking. This is connecting us-

Christie 19:26

Mm-hmm

Cheryl 19:27

where when we've had to do all the busyness, we're going in different directions-

Christie 19:31

Right

Cheryl 19:31

rather than reconnecting.

Christie 19:33

Right. I was just gonna say, you know, um, for most, most people, when you start a school year, you're kind of pre- you're kind of planning your whole school year at- Yeah one point when you sign up for soccer or, you know, your nights. I remember one time, uh, I really thought I was doing a good thing and got all my kids dance classes on one night- and then realized, oh, that means we're out of the house for five hours- because we've got dance classes back to back. But I think just fighting, uh, maybe at the beginning of the school year or semester, whenever you're signing up for activities and getting all the schedules on your calendar, maybe it takes choosing some places on the calendar and saying, "We're not doing anything these nights." You know, I'm gonna say Tuesdays and Thursdays, or Friday nights are family night, or whatever it would be, uh, practical for your season of life and beneficial for your family

Cheryl 20:28

You know, There may be parents listening that say, "Oh, that sounds really good. We're so far behind." Like, your thing about high-low.

Christie 20:38

Mm.

Cheryl 20:38

Um, I tried to incorporate that when my kids were a little bit older, and it didn't go well. Yeah. Okay. It was too late to introduce it, 'cause they just looked at me and said, "We're not

Cheryl A 20:48

gonna say anything. Uh, because it was artificial.

Christie 20:51

Okay.

Cheryl 20:52

But what I would say, instead of, again, you have to do everything, maybe the question would be, like, what's one thing we should stop doing?

Christie 21:01

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 21:02

Or the flip, what's one thing we should start doing?

Christie 21:05

Mm.

Cheryl 21:06

And that you start small to succeed big.

Christie 21:09

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 21:09

I think that's a great philosophy that works well in life, that we're gonna do this, and like we're saying, let, we're looking at our calendar. Okay, you have dance, you have this, we have that. We're looking, And then another thing is bring the family in on the conversation.

Christie 21:23

Yeah.

Cheryl 21:24

Because like how I was trying to superimpose, "Oh, that's a good idea. Let's all say our highs and lows," and they just- Mm-hmm it didn't work. But to bring the whole family in the conversation, saying, "Look, this is why we're fighting for this. This is what we want." And then listen to what everybody says. "No, we don't want to play games," or, "Yes, we all do." Or-

Christie 21:45

Mm-hmm

Cheryl 21:45

Okay, then let's choose a book we all like." Whatever it is that fits our family culture, our actual reality of time, and then now we're gonna commit to this as a family, and here's the steps of how we're gonna do it. Here's the step that we take first, okay? Nobody sign up for anything on Monday nights.

Christie 22:07

Right.

Cheryl 22:08

What... And then, as the parents, we have to do that same thing, too.

Christie 22:13

Yeah.

Cheryl 22:14

Because opportunities happen all the time.

Christie 22:16

Yeah.

Cheryl 22:16

You know, you say no to the good, so you can say yes to the, better-

Christie 22:20

Right Yeah. I agree. I think, um, setting those boundaries for yourself or your kids and asking your kids to, you know, set them, too, and then after that, you just kind of have to build in where you can when, you know, the realistic thing is life is busy, and I don't think we're gonna be able to completely dial back to, you know- Yeah 300 years ago when you could just sit by the fire and play the fiddle or whatever. But, um, you know, I think taking advantage of car time is important. Yeah, yeah. You know, that's a b- a good way. If you're driving to practice, maybe every week on the way to practice, you check in on this one topic with one kid. Okay. Or, um, you know, I think another Something that I remember being important is the one-on-one time. It was so hard to get one-on-one time with my kids Yeah and sometimes the evenings are a good time to do that you know, y- maybe when you go to the grocery store, you take one kid each week or-

Cheryl 23:20

Uh-huh

Christie 23:20

you know, incorporate some one-on-one time in that way.

Cheryl 23:23

Ooh, I really like that. And, re-emphasize devices are gonna be a real problem. Yeah. Now, you can have a family movie night, but in general, if we're gonna have quality interactive time, we've got to be careful and make a family decision about what we're gonna do- Mm-hmm about devices, because devices divide-

Christie 23:41

Yeah

Cheryl 23:41

rather than connect. Or, okay, if we're gonna do it, you know, we're all gonna do this together.

Christie 23:48

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 23:48

So even if it's a family video game, that's everybody doing it together.

Christie 23:52

Right.

Cheryl 23:53

And that's what we're kinda

Cheryl A 23:54

trying to do. And we can wrap it up,

Christie 23:56

Yeah

Cheryl 23:56

You're right. Nobody really talks about curating, scheduling, being intentional about our evening times together as a family f- pretty much. The, all the scheduling is all the rest of the days and, and just all the busyness.

Christie 24:14

Yeah.

Cheryl 24:14

And, I think this is worth fighting for.

Christie 24:16

I agree. I think that word intentionality is just- Yeah the key word of the whole i- whole thing. Not perfection. No. You're never going to attain it. Um, but just being intentional with the resources we do have.

Cheryl 24:29

The truth is you're going to have a culture, but are you going to design it- Mm-hmm or are you gonna drift?

Christie 24:36

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 24:37

That's just what you're saying. this is really good. Hey parents, remember, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it

Speaker 3 24:49

Parenting has a way of settling into patterns before we even realize it. That's why I love the beginning of a new school year. It gives us a natural place to pause before we simply repeat last season. Spend a little time looking at your family's real life, not the one you wish you had or the one you see somewhere else, just yours. Notice what's helping your family become more connected and what's quietly pulling you in different directions. Then make one thoughtful adjustment and give it time to grow I'd love to know where that takes your family this fall. You can always reach us at contact@theparentingpodcast.com