Encore: School Choice — What Matters More Than the Method | Ep. 223

Public school, private school, homeschool—we can put a lot of weight on getting that choice right. But what if some of the things shaping our kids most have very little to do with where they go to school? As a new school year begins, we’re bringing back a conversation that might help us look at what matters a little differently.

IN THE CONVERSATION

• The difference between parenting principles and the methods we choose to live them out

• When our children’s education and performance become tangled up with our own identity

• What children notice about the way we respond to families who make different educational choices

• Building connection in the small spaces of ordinary family life

• Releasing children toward independence while remaining a safe place to come back to

• Making room for grace, apologies, resets, and do-overs

FROM THE CONVERSATION

“I caught so much of my identity based on my choice of how I was educating my kids.”

RELATED EPISODES

This conversation originally followed our three-part series with parents from different educational paths:

Episode 134 — Parenting on the Public School Path: An Insider’s Look

Episode 135 — Parenting on the Private School Path: An Insider’s Look

Episode 136 — Parenting on the Homeschooling Path: An Insider’s Look

Questions or thoughts? Email: contact@theparentingpodcast.com

Transcript

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Christie 0:00

I caught so much of my identity based on my choice of how I was educating my kids.

Speaker 0:07

A new school year has a way of making us look sideways at the family doing something different, at the child who seems to be thriving. Sometimes even back on our own decision, wondering if we got it right. But our children are watching something besides where we send them to school. They're watching what matters to us once they get there, and maybe that's the question worth carrying into the school year

Cheryl 0:52

Well, as you know, Christie, we did a mini series about the three main educational routes that parents take to school and educate their children, you know? Yeah. Homeschooling public private school. Right?

Speaker 2 1:06

And if you wanna go back to those individual conversations, we've linked them in the show notes

Cheryl 1:12

So I thought as a wrap up, what insights and what encouragement can we bring to the parents that are listening to us? No, that's great. Okay. So the first thing I would say, having done all of this sat with the moms that came in here and recorded and listening to them all together. It's so interesting, was the commonality of what I heard, because if I had edited out those words, homeschooling, private school, public school with a few little tweaks. Mm-hmm. I don't know if anybody would know. Huh? What kind of educational choice the parents have made yet. It's such a. Big divisive issue, right. In our culture.

Christie 1:56

Right. Yeah. Other than a few specifics that would be telltale signs. Overall, all of the moms that we've had sitting here in the studio with us are diligent, attentive, caring parents. absolutely, and, and that's the thing is, you know, we get so worked up about. These types of decisions we make for our children. Yeah, and like you said, the word divisive. It can be so either spoken or unspoken, such a source of division between families and friends and communities of, you know, this way is better or that way is better. And really at the end of the day, we're all just trying to love our kids. Well.

Cheryl 2:34

And that's what we saw. And they just amazed me at so many wise things about parenting. Mm-hmm. Practices and philosophies. And they were kind of all saying the same thing.

Christie 2:46

Yeah. Yeah. It makes me think of something. I heard someone talk about the difference between principles and methods. Okay. So what your principal in parenting is. Say feed your children. Well, the method could be breastfed, bottle fed, you know, baby led, weaning all the things and and another principal would be, get good sleep for your kids. Well, the method Could Be cry it out co-sleeping, and then in this case the principal being educate your children and, and that, like we've talked about, could be private public or home, but the principle is the important thing. We're caring well for our children in the best way that we see fit

Cheryl 3:21

and anybody's listening to this. Wow. Each of these families are doing that. Um, it's just like you say, it's style and location, not substance. Yeah. Okay. I would love for this conversation and the series to help disarm this fractioning mm-hmm. That I see among groups. Yeah. And that would be my big wish

Speaker 2 3:49

as we start this new school year

Cheryl 3:51

Mm-hmm. Is that people would quit it. Right. And they would start linking arms with everyone. And quit caring about this one difference that doesn't make a difference. Yes.

Christie 4:03

Well, and I'm kind of laughing too because you know, you and I are both on the other side of, of the schooling years. Yeah. For our children. All of our kids are on the other side of the main school years. And on this side it really doesn't matter. We're just people living life. But I know for myself in those years, it did feel like it was the most important trait. And to be real honest, I caught so much of my identity based on my choice of how I was educating my kids. Exactly. And

Cheryl 4:35

that right there is what I come away with is like everything else, if we're getting our identity out of where we school our children mm-hmm. That's out of balance. Right. And it's not healthy, mature, and then that builds a wall. Mm-hmm. And arms me against those who are not getting their identity from that same location.

Christie 4:59

Right. And we obviously want to share our values and our intentions with our kids and, and explain to them why we've made the choices we've made. Sure. But we also have to remember that if it is such a, a, um, precious. Thing to us that we are getting our identity from it. That too is going to be contagious to our kids and none of us want to raise kids who get their main identity and value from something. So, um, temporary.

Cheryl 5:29

Exactly. I mean, let's say you're vegetarian and I'm not,, we would educate our children, I would hope. Mm-hmm. Why we make these eating choices that we do. Right. But that's not our identity. Yes. It's just a little part of our life. Right. Even though eating takes a big portion of what we

Christie 5:48

do every day. Right. And I think we would all say out of the context of this conversation, we would all say, of course, I wanna communicate. Yeah. Including other people of different. Walks of life and lifestyles um, but we have to watch those little things behind the scenes that our kids might pick up on that are a little more nuanced. You're exactly right, because

Cheryl 6:08

the problem is. All of us, whatever we're doing in the educational reallm, our children are watching.

6:14

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 6:15

And they're not just watching how we teach math. Right. And whether or not they go to school on a bus or step out of bed and go to the living room. That's not what they're gonna pick up on. They're gonna pick up on how I love other people. Mm-hmm. My comments, the way I treat other people, even in the midst of saying, well, this is why we've made this choice. Right. And it was interesting because I think all three of those families, they landed in a place where they didn't start, they began in one, if you will, arena. Mm-hmm. And then moved to another one for different. Reasons and purposes. Mm-hmm. So it's just flexibility and it just doesn't matter. Yeah. It's what are we role modeling for our children in where our values are? Go back to identity. I mean, I don't think we're making a bigger deal of this than it is. I would just love for this to bring about some even reconciliation. Sure. And, and maybe, um. Uh, refocus of where we are putting our value.

Christie 7:22

Right. Well, and those parents weren't in the studio at the same time. No, but I think they would all say, listening back to all the episodes, we all have something to learn from one another. Yes.

7:32

And so

Christie 7:33

where there may have to be more emphasis put on something in the choice of public schooling than in homeschooling or vice versa. We can learn from one another. And to find that place of. A balancing things out in life.

Cheryl 7:48

Absolutely. So speaking of that, what are some things you saw, either commonalities or practices that you go, wow, wish I'd done that, or, oh, isn't that wise? Mm-hmm.

Christie 7:58

Look at that. Mm-hmm. Well, I loved for one, just how intentional each of the moms were. Yes. I mean, intentionality, I think covers. A multitude of sins, if you will. You know, I just think being intentional in whatever you're doing is going to bring thoughtfulness. Um, but I, I loved, I think it was Tammy that was talking about, um, the traditions. Yes. Like having traditions that anchored her kids. And I think that's true of all families. So, and, uh, the meaningful goodbyes and coming home, so those rhythms and routines over the course of. You know, 18 years are building a family culture, which we talk about here on the podcast a lot.

Cheryl 8:40

Yeah, I like that too. And they did it different ways even their rhythms of going back to school. I love the idea of we're begin early, we start refocusing, redoing our schedule and then having something fun. Mm-hmm. Because. that's something to look forward to in the middle of change. Yeah. Another one is the intentionality of connection.

Christie 9:03

Yeah.

Cheryl 9:03

So all three of them emphasized how they make use of small spaces. Mm-hmm. Instead of the big lecture space of we're having a family meeting and now we're gonna discuss this. Right. But. Driving to school, or the few moments here or there, or let's set aside, let's go over and talk about this. And every one of them made the priority of connection. With their children, then among their children, and then they emphasized outside of their family, the other relationships that their family touches or the children touch, that they worked with the children to help them in the connection there and the importance of it and how to walk through those. Mm-hmm.

Christie 9:49

Yeah, and I'm thinking of. There's a popular list of things you'll hear, like, um, books I've read written by counselors, Uhhuh, they'll say it's most important for children to feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure

10:03

uhhuh,

Christie 10:04

and those are the things. That's good. I'm thinking of these moms have done a great job of being intentional in that connection that you're talking about, and, and that's such a great source of those four things that they're providing for their kids

Cheryl 10:17

and in parenting, that's what matters. Yeah. Not the window dressing Right. Of where? Right. But those core priorities, and that's a value that they're living out. Mm-hmm.

Christie 10:28

I think another thing I saw was the way the parents were intentional in shaping their kids' worldview and the way they see the world outside of their own family. Oh, like what are you thinking about? Well, I'm thinking of the perspective on different, um, kids economic status. Oh yeah. In private school, having to navigate, you know, maybe. Just because we're all in the same school, we have different, um, lifestyles and, and having to navigate some of that.

Cheryl 10:56

And it was interesting because Michelle, who's a homeschooler, did the same thing talking about how they do it inside their home. Mm-hmm. And how they are navigating relationships and the differences. Between children and what they're doing or their needs instead of one size fits all. Right?

Christie 11:16

Yeah. And, and if your kids are, um, homeschooling, then it might be that you have to be more intentional to expose them to different perspectives where if they're in public or private school, they might naturally, but either way, the conversations. That you're having to help them process what they're seeing in the world is, is really where the intentionality comes in.

Cheryl 11:36

True. And another thing, I saw all of them across the board intentionally working on releasing their children. Mm mm-hmm., You know, incrementally taking that step by themselves and empowering them, maybe having the conversation and then telling them, now you need to walk through that yourself. Mm-hmm. Because parenting is intentionally releasing them towards adulthood, And all three in all three of their situations. I saw them working hard to do that. Yeah. Right. And then they were all three there when the kids come back to help them deal with whatever. It was not okay. You're out on your own. I don't care. Right. I just saw such support. And very loving parents. Who are releasing the way you should. Mm-hmm.

Christie 12:29

Yeah. It makes me think of, um, I think it was Leslie talking about the pressures, the academic pressures that their kids had faced at different times. And you mentioned failing, you know, letting Yes, your kids have opportunity to not always, um. Feel the pressure to meet that highest level of everything, but having room for it to say, you know, we tried that wasn't for you and being a safe place to land. Um, I think that's true in all three circumstances too.

Cheryl 13:00

Yes. And working for the parent not to get their identity from it as well as the children. I would say all parents. We struggle with identity. Okay. Because you feel really good about yourself when your child's got the number one a CT. Mm-hmm. and then. We might not so much if they struggle on how they're doing academically, wherever it is. Right. And that to me is a red flag that we are getting our identity in our children's performance. And then that's a grade on how we're doing. Oh, I'm an a parent. I'm a C minus parent. Mm-hmm. And so not only are they doing it internally, Christie, but our kids pick up on it. Right. You know, we can say the jargon mm-hmm. Of we don't get our identity, it doesn't matter. I love you. Mm-hmm. But if we are actually getting our identity in our children's performance., not only will we be suffering for it, but our kids are gonna pick up on it and that's what they're gonna learn. That's right. It's hard.

Christie 14:04

It really is. And I think another piece, um, is the social aspect, navigating friendships. Yes. Um, that, that again takes intentionality no matter how you've chosen to educate your kids. Um, choosing the influences, whether it be their peers or mentors. Um. I think all three parents agree outside influences. Yes. are very important in You know, your kids' upbringing. That it can't be all us. It does take a village. We do need to have people pouring into our kids alongside of us. Uhhuh and that kind of feeds into to our own mental and social Yes. Awareness of self-care and prioritizing our own mental health in the process.

Cheryl 14:47

Yes. Because all three of them brought it up that they're doing that, which may. Suggest why they are doing a good job in their parenting. Mm-hmm. Is that they are reaching out to others and getting help and seeking balance and good voices speaking in. Mm-hmm. Which is community. We need community and we need, you know, we've always said, wise community that supports us, but also will speak those hard things to us. Yeah. One of the things I liked was. Grace. Mm-hmm. You know? It was, Michelle talked about, oh, well let me tell you what my morning was like before I came. Mm-hmm. And went on with the story. But how kids, we gotta do a redo. Yeah. we've got to reset. Yeah. Let's talk about what we were struggling with. Had conversation and say, okay, let's start over again. And, and they did it in other stories that the other women mentioned That we have grace for one another. Mm-hmm. And let's allow do overs and let's support one another. And then to say, I'm really sorry. Yeah, I blew that myself and just, I love this being an undergirding in all of parenting and family life, because what that does is it makes everybody safe to not be perfect. Yes. Because only perfect people don't apologize. Right. And so I don't want my children to have the weight that they have to be perfect because I think I'm perfect. And then the hypocrisy of that. Mm-hmm. And the foolishness of it, I just loved, I thought this just had grace all over it in all three of those circumstances. Yeah.

Christie 16:30

You know, Cheryl, I probably am, um, giving a peek behind the curtain when I say this. I think for the mom who's on the other side of her kids' schooling years. just focusing on, um, the grace and, the strengths of all of these different, uh, educational choices yeah. And might have had thoughts of, oh gosh, should I have done this different? Should I have done more of that or less of that? Or maybe, you know, those people's kids look like they're doing great, maybe I should have done what they did. Um, I think that's the great news here is that we're all doing. What we feel best in the moment of raising our kids and that there's grace Yeah. For the whole thing. And so just an encouragement that I'm receiving from this conversation and for the older moms that might have that hindsight, that feels like what, what I should have coulda, you know? Yeah. Um, that there is grace there. I love that. Yeah.

Cheryl 17:25

That is excellent. So where there's grace for everybody on the playing field. Yes. Whichever one that is. And for those of us that have stepped off the field, What a wonderful thing that. Those of us on the other side can continue to role model for our kids and for the people in the throes of doing all the active parenting, it's grace. Mm-hmm. Okay. I love that. Oh, this is great. Thank you so much. Yes. Glad to be here. So parents, hang in there. Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.

Speaker 2 18:06

You know, we make these choices so carefully because we love our kids so much. And sometimes, without even realizing it, the choice itself can start taking up more room than the child we made it for. So wherever school happens for your family this year, I hope you can hold that choice with an open hand and keep your eyes on your child. Who are they becoming? What are they needing from you now? Where are they surprising you? Those answers may change as the year goes along. That's okay. You're allowed to keep paying attention. And if something comes up as you're finding your way through this new school year, send it our way. You can find us on social media or write to me at contact@theparentingpodcast.com. I'd love to hear what you're thinking about. Have a good week with your people. I'll talk to you next time.