169. Emotional Intelligence for Warriors: How to Lead Yourself Like a King

🔥 Episode Summary:

In this episode of the Fire Forged Leader Podcast, Steve Baumgartner confronts one of the greatest threats to modern masculinity: emotional chaos. Drawing from personal experience as a high-performing leader who looked successful on the outside but was crumbling on the inside, Steve unpacks what it means to master your emotions instead of being mastered by them.

He introduces a battle-tested framework — Recognize. Regulate. Reframe. — to help men take full ownership of their internal world so they can lead with clarity, discipline, and impact. With a raw story of disconnection, pressure, and the turning point that changed everything, this episode equips men to stop complaining, reject victimhood, and become kings over their emotions.

If you're a man who's tired of numbing out, lashing out, or burning out — this one’s for you.

💥 What You’ll Learn:

• Why emotional chaos is the silent killer of leadership and marriage
• The 3R Framework: how to Recognize, Regulate, and Reframe emotions
• Why complaining is a form of victimhood — and how to stop
• How emotional intelligence builds strength, not softness
• Real strategies for mastering anger, pressure, and emotional triggers
• How to shift your mindset from “Why me?” to “What is this building in me?”
• The exact moment Steve took a leap instead of staying stuck
• Why strong men seek community and never lead alone

🛠 Key Takeaways:

• Emotional chaos can destroy everything you've built
• Complaining makes you a victim — ownership makes you a leader
• Emotions are data, not directives
• Regulating your emotions is discipline, not weakness
• Reframing pain into purpose is how warriors grow
• You either leave it, change it, or accept it — all else is madness
• Brotherhood is essential for becoming the man you’re called to be
• Emotional intelligence is not optional — it’s required for leadership

⏱ Episode Chapters:

00:00 – Understanding Emotional Chaos
01:20 – The Journey of Leadership
05:30 – Mastering Emotions: The Framework
09:25 – Recognizing Emotions
10:09 – Regulating Emotions
12:19 – Reframing Emotions
17:32 – Taking Action and Building Community

⚔️ Quote of the Episode:

“When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation, or accept it — all else is madness.”

Transcript

Steve Baumgartner (00:00.492)
Guys, do you ever find yourself snapping at your kids for no apparent reason, zoning out during conversations with your wife, or carrying pressure that turns into quiet anger? That's not just stress, guys. That's emotional chaos. And if you don't learn to master it, it will destroy everything you've built. And here's the truth.

You can't complain either because when you complain, you actually make yourself a victim. So you need to leave the situation you're in. You need to change the situation or you need to accept it. All other things are complete madness.

Steve Baumgartner (00:51.98)
Leaders are not born in a womb. They're forged through heat, pressure, and a whole lot of sweat. The Fire Forge Leader podcast serves the audience through exploring leadership at work, in the community, and with the family, using a practical perspective and real life experiences from the host, Steve Baumgartner, and his guests in the Forge. Now, it's time to enter the Forge.

with the Fireforged leader. You I got this question from a man in my socials the other day and it hit hard. He said, this man named Jake, he said, I feel like I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do. I'm providing for my family. I'm working hard. But lately I've been irritable. I've been disconnected.

and honestly I just feel numb. I know somethings off but I don't know how fix it Steve. How do I get back in control over my emotions and show up for my wife and show up for my family like I'm meant to? Now guys, if you've ever felt like that before, this episode is for you.

You know, there was a time not so long ago in my life on paper, I was living the dream. had a director level position. was overseeing a massive footprint. Everyone knew who I was. My skillset was highly in demand. I walked into rooms with authority. People would say to me things like, man, you have

got the life or I wish that I could have a job like yours or I wish I could do what you do.

Steve Baumgartner (02:55.896)
But they didn't see the war that I was fighting on that side.

Steve Baumgartner (03:02.092)
I was carrying deep loneliness. I missed my family. I missed my relationship with my wife. I was drinking way too much just to numb the pressure of this loneliness.

And when I came home, it wasn't peace. I was unsettled. It was more of a war with my wife. My wife and I weren't truly connected. We were married, but we were living like roommates. We had separate lives, even though we lived in the same house. And in that moment, or in those moments,

I had a decision to make. I could keep on numbing myself. I could keep on blaming for the situation I was in. I could keep on hiding from it. Or I could take ownership of my life. And that's when I chose to leap. I didn't complain. I didn't point fingers. I said, if

This is going to change. I need to change it.

Steve Baumgartner (04:27.628)
And it brings me back to that quote that I just mentioned. And I'm gonna mention it again because it punches me right in the gut. And it states, when you complain, you make yourself a victim. You give up your power. So you need to either leave the situation, you change the situation, or you can accept the situation. All else is madness.

Steve Baumgartner (04:59.404)
And I realize now that back then, I was living in madness. I was ignoring it. I was running from the loneliness, from that decision, from taking ownership. Guys, you're not weak for feeling emotions. Let me tell you that point blank right now. But you are irresponsible if you refuse to master your emotions.

So here's the framework that I'm gonna share with you today. It's three parts, simple, simple, simple. Actually, no, it's three other words, but they all happen to be simple. It's recognize, regulate, and reframe.

And that's really how you take dominion over your world, your eternal, internal world.

And once that you can master your internal world, you can also rule in your external world. So let's get after that first one, guys. The first one is recognize. You can't fix what you won't face. Let me say that again. You cannot fix what you won't face. You know, most men are emotionally numb.

Not because these men are weak, but because they've been taught to shut it down.

Steve Baumgartner (06:37.39)
instead of facing that emotion head on. Think about it. If you grew up in the 80s or 90s, we were told not to cry. We were told not to show our emotions.

Now, since then, it's gone totally the other way, but that's a whole nother episode. So let's go back to shutting it down, right? And not facing it head on. If you cannot name what's going on on the inside of you,

You're going to keep on reacting to it like you're a slave. Emotions aren't bad. They're data. They're not directives.

Emotions are not bad. They are data, not directives. They're messengers trying to show you something deeper.

Steve Baumgartner (07:44.29)
So here's some examples.

if you get angry about something. Maybe you feel disrespected.

Anger is just an emotion tied to the feeling of being disrespected sometimes.

Steve Baumgartner (08:06.592)
Are you feeling quiet and withdrawn? Maybe you're feeling disconnected. This goes back to what I was talking about with my wife and myself. We were both feeling disconnected. We were strangers to each other. So it was hard to understand what our emotions were telling us.

Are you frustrated? Maybe you are simply unfulfilled. Maybe it's at work. Maybe you don't feel like you living up to the man you are meant to be. So I want you to try this. I want you to ask yourself, what is it that I truly feeling right now?

and sit with that for a minute. And then I want you to ask yourself, why am I feeling this way?

and sit with that for a little while. And then ask yourself further, what could have caused this? What triggered it?

I will tell you that men who can name these emotions can also lead through these emotions.

Steve Baumgartner (09:25.486)
Get good at it. Name your emotions. Understand why you're feeling your emotions and what triggered those emotions. All right, number two, is regulate. Regulate.

I want you to feel it fully, but I also want you to channel it wisely. Emotion is power, but undisciplined emotion is absolute destruction. You can't lead in your home. You can't lead your team or your mission in a state of emotional instability.

Steve Baumgartner (10:09.282)
Complaining, it's simply emotional leakage. It's giving away your power.

Steve Baumgartner (10:21.986)
So here's some examples. Yelling and conflict.

Steve Baumgartner (10:29.28)
Instead of yelling in conflict situations, I want you to slow your breath down and simply speak with clarity.

Steve Baumgartner (10:41.292)
I've talked about this before and I'll talk about it again, but give yourself just a touch of space and that's what that breathing does.

And then instead of responding with a yell, respond with clarity. For example,

Steve Baumgartner (11:02.37)
Honey, I feel disrespected when you talk to me like that.

Steve Baumgartner (11:14.434)
Which brings me to the next one, the next example. If you're feeling disrespected, set a boundary. Have that hard conversation. Do it in a controlled manner. If you're overwhelmed, move your body. You can pray. You can call one of the people in your tribe. Call your brother.

and let them know what's going on inside you.

Steve Baumgartner (11:49.368)
So I want you to try this. When emotion spikes, I want you to name it. I want you to ground yourself and I want you to move and not mope. Discipline is gonna be what turns emotional men into powerful men. Guys, number three is reframing that emotion.

This isn't happening to me, it's happening for me. That's huge. This is where you go from victim to warrior. The victim says, why me? Why is this happening to me? poor me. The warrior however asks,

What's the lesson in this? How can I learn from this emotion? How can I learn from this situation? Every challenge is building something in you if you choose to see it that way.

So if you're struggling in business.

Could be.

Steve Baumgartner (13:12.696)
that it's not the economy, that it's not this, it's not that, it's not your buyers, it's not your sellers, it's not your salespeople. It might be a learning lesson about resourcefulness and resilience.

If you have tension in your marriage...

It's probably not your wife's fault.

She could be part of it.

Maybe you're being called to something better, to something higher. I know a lot of people who are married and claim to be happy, but I wouldn't say that they have strong marriages. They've learned how to coexist.

Steve Baumgartner (14:03.03)
I'm going to tell you right now that coexisting has nothing on a strong marriage.

And if you're feeling resistance, guys, that's simply growth trying to break through. So I want you to try this. When life punches you, when it just totally knocks you off your feet.

I want you to ask, is this something that I need to leave? Is this something that I need to change? Or is this simply something that I need to accept?

So let's talk about those three things, right? Because a strong man can choose any one of those three at any given moment.

Can I leave this?

Steve Baumgartner (15:01.59)
Maybe you're in a toxic work environment.

And they're requiring you to work 16 hour days, seven days a week. And you're not getting the time with your wife and kids. Can I leave this?

Steve Baumgartner (15:21.346)
Can I change this as the next one? Maybe it's also a toxic work environment, but it has to do with.

team members not working together.

Can I change this? Can I be instrumental in changing that culture? Can I get myself in the middle of it and bring teams together to show them what that work looks like? Or can I accept this?

I'm going to use an extreme example, but I know quite a few people who are missing limbs.

that are very strong people.

Steve Baumgartner (16:06.648)
They could have sat there and whined about it.

Why did I get shot in this leg? Why did I step on that landline? Why did I have this birth defect?

They don't do that. They might have had a period of time where they did that, but on the other side of that, they accepted it and they understand that's just part of who they are.

And they don't waste any more time on those complaints.

Steve Baumgartner (16:41.834)
Stop wasting emotional energy on things that you don't have to. If you can reframe, it turns pain into power. Guys, the world doesn't need more reactive men. It really doesn't. Your wife doesn't need outbursts. Your kids...

don't need fear. Your mission, it doesn't need chaos.

What all of those need is a man who has mastered himself or at least working on.

So here's the challenge that I have for all of you today is I want you to catch that emotion. I want you to name that emotion. I want you to control it and reframe it.

Steve Baumgartner (17:52.12)
And last but not least guys, if you are tired of walking this path alone, maybe it's that the men in your life are weak-willed sons of bitches.

If you're tired of walking this path alone,

I want you to seriously consider reaching out to me.

because I can set you on two different paths. I can set you on my premium coaching path, which is the forged leadership blueprint.

Or at Easter, I have another.

Steve Baumgartner (18:38.176)
another option and it's called the Knights Order. It's an online option that comes at a very reasonable price point.

where you'll be connected with other men on the same mission that will hold you accountable and help you become the man, the husband, the father, and the leader that God has designed you to be. Both of these places are where men rise up.

This is where legacies are built. You know, before I let you guys go, once again, I appreciate you for being here on the Fire Forge Leader podcast. Hit that like button if you appreciated this episode. Share it with someone who might need it. And hit that subscribe so you don't miss a single episode. And I just wanna leave you with this today. Victimhood, it ends where responsibility.

begins.

Steve Baumgartner (19:51.254)
I need you to recognize, need you to regulate, and I need you to reframe. And at the end of the day, that's emotional intelligence. You hear it talked about all the time. I didn't name it until now, but that's exactly what it is. You're not a slave to your emotions, guys.

You guys are Fireforge leaders.

So lock in because we have more work to do. And I'm gonna see you on the next episode.

Steve Baumgartner (20:32.897)
You have just experienced the heat and pressure of the forge. Remember, words without action are meaningless. Now, after the heat of the forge, shape your thoughts, quench your brain, then put your new tools to use, adding to your leadership. Tune in next week for more lessons from the forge.