252. What If Comfort Is The Real Threat - Are We Raising Weenies?

Comfort is everywhere now, and it is doing more parenting than we want to admit. We start with an example of a simple moment that says a lot: kids who think a “walk” means riding in a luxury wagon with snacks, music, and a canopy. It is funny, but it also raises a serious question for modern parenting: are we removing the very discomfort that builds resilience, character, and confidence?

Subscribe, share this with a parent who feels the tension, and leave a review so more families can find it. What is one discomfort you are willing to let your kids experience this week? Send us a text!

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Transcript

Discomfort And The Real Fight

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:00

But I need to intentionally look for ways to create discomfort for my kids so they can learn. And I'm there, I'm there to help, a guide, you know, to some extent, but that they need to go through hard things. We are at war, and it's not against our neighbors, spouses, children, politicians, or whatever else we feel like we're battling against.

Banter And Weekly Wins

SPEAKER_02 0:19

So the questions are, who's the fight against? And are we winning or losing? We're the Adkins, and we are a force to be reckoned with. Are you ready to join the force? Good afternoon.

SPEAKER_01 0:43

What ado, yo.

SPEAKER_02 0:44

Ready? How's it going out there in the real world?

SPEAKER_01 0:48

Real Linda.

SPEAKER_02 0:49

How's it going today, Corey?

SPEAKER_01 0:51

I feel like I am being tricked.

SPEAKER_02 0:55

Okay, because it's sunny outside, but it's cold.

SPEAKER_01 0:57

Like, what is this? I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 0:58

I don't like it.

SPEAKER_01 1:00

Dumb.

SPEAKER_02 1:00

Tell me one good thing about your week.

SPEAKER_01 1:03

Man, I could name so many not good things. No, I'm just kidding. Finding that one project. Oh no, it's just really recent. And finding that project that I didn't know about.

SPEAKER_02 1:11

I like it.

SPEAKER_01 1:12

A nice little surprise.

SPEAKER_02 1:14

So that's good because that's how he provides for our family.

SPEAKER_01 1:20

So we eat.

SPEAKER_02 1:20

Good.

unknown 1:21

Cool.

SPEAKER_01 1:21

So it gets the ramen.

SPEAKER_02 1:23

Alright. Well, moving on.

SPEAKER_01 1:25

How about you?

SPEAKER_02 1:26

Oh me.

SPEAKER_01 1:27

Oh, little me.

SPEAKER_02 1:29

I got to take Maya to the elementary school yesterday because it was like a pre- um open house for kindergarten. I believe she's going to start kindergarten. Been this podcast has been alive longer than Maya.

SPEAKER_00 1:43

Wait, for real? Oh yeah.

The Cozy Wagon Soft Kid Moment

SPEAKER_02 1:44

Because I was pregnant when we when we were recording. And she's about to be in kindergarten. Uh yeah, but so we're talking about soft kids today. No, we're talking about soft kids. And what made me think about it? It was last weekend. I've been thinking about it for a while, but last weekend I was home alone most of the weekend because you're coaching Carter in this tournament. And I'm bathing the three little kids in the middle of the day. Just had a slow Saturday. They wanted baths, so gave them a bath. But I forgot to turn on their fireplace that they have. These kids have a fireplace that they have to have plugged in for when they get out of the bath so that once they get out of the bath, they can sit in front of the fireplace and they're not cold. So that was the first thing.

SPEAKER_01 2:31

They do.

SPEAKER_02 2:31

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 2:32

That's wild.

SPEAKER_02 2:33

Even the babies.

SPEAKER_01 2:34

I do remember just random thought.

SPEAKER_02 2:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:36

When I was a kid.

SPEAKER_02 2:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:38

Sometimes I would it was cold, whatever, and I would get out of the bath and I would take a uh like grab a blanket. You did you ever do this and put it over the vent? Yeah, my grandma would do that. But then it would like fill up, like it would kind of like blow it up.

SPEAKER_02 2:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:51

Yeah, love doing that. So get the fireplace on, get them warmed up and dressed, brush all their hair, get them all that. And then I'm like, do you want to go on a walk? So flash forward like 20 minutes later. Well, the only one walking is me. And I'm realizing this, and I'm like, wait, this is a walk for me. The rest of the kids are in this wagon that costs probably more than my first car. I know I got a car that was at some point, maybe not my first car because that was a Jeep and it was a used Jeep. It was an old Jeep, but I share it with my sister. This wagon probably wasn't as much as that. Yeah. So their idea of a walk is to sit in a wagon and be pushed. It has a canopy, it has cup holders, they eat snacks, they want to listen to music. And I just thought, man, these kids are so soft.

SPEAKER_01 3:40

I know. Sometimes I do think about that. I'm like, I'm over here walking with like a 40-pound vest on.

SPEAKER_00 3:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:47

Like getting after it. And I'm pushing this big wagon, these bougie kids.

SPEAKER_00 3:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:52

Eating snacks, just chilling while I got music blaring on a speaker.

SPEAKER_02 3:56

Right.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

It's like, what is happening right now?

Basketball Blowout And Mental Calluses

SPEAKER_02 3:58

Yeah. So I mean, obviously those are silly examples, and they're babies, and and we want our kid, like as a mom, you're nurturing. You want your kid, you that's what you that's your pride and joy. Like you want your kids to be comfortable. It's you find joy in making them cozy and all of those things and all of the amenities. Like that's what makes me happy. But in the bigger world, there's just it's a bigger issue. Just the convenience, and we're gonna get into all that today. Convenience culture and not no delayed gratification and just all these things. And it just made me start to wonder are we unintentionally removing the very things that build character and resilience and confidence and capability in our kids to become grown adults?

SPEAKER_01 4:47

Yeah. Can I give another example? Yeah. So speaking of coaching, so Carter's AU coach was uh him and his wife, well, his wife was having a baby. And so last minute they asked me to sub in. So I'm helping coach the his eighth grade team. And this was true of his teams that I coached previously when at Lake. But anytime like so in this this weekend, there was a team that was bigger than them, like it was a big team, they looked athletic. The one kid was like borderline dunking and they got intimidated, and we get to halftime, and it's 42 to six. 42 to 6 at halftime. And like they just were like completely defeated, and and it was just like one of those things, it's like it didn't matter. I caught a timeout, all of it, it just didn't didn't matter. Well, I so at halftime I told the kids, I said, Well, I said, honestly, guys, like the odds of us winning this game, very slim. But the only chance that we have is if we ignore the score. I was like, and I said, I'm writing the score on my clipboard right now, and we're resetting the score at zero to zero. You just gotta take it a play at a time. We gotta get out there and scrap. I said we're picking them up full court, getting in their face. I said we have nothing to lose, and just see if we can start putting some stuff together, and let's see if you guys can at least win the second half. And to their credit, they dug deep and they did that. Now we lost the game, it's like 63 to 33, but in the second half, we outscored them. Someone will probably do the math on this, but I think it was like 27 to 21. It showed I it's like, okay, guys, uh, look, when you stopped being intimidated and you felt like you didn't have anything to lose and you just went out and competed, like you actually beat this team that was bigger than you. Yeah. And the team didn't like slow down either or try to take it easy. And I just remember like there were so many times of this happening with and I had coached for a long time before Carter was born. And I just can't remember there ever being a time when I played or when I coached that the kids were intimidated so much so before the game started that they just assumed they were gonna lose, and so they sh they were shutting down.

SPEAKER_02 7:04

They're not it's different breeds these days, it's not good.

SPEAKER_01 7:08

You're writing your own story, yeah. And so it was just like to me, that was just a an example of them being just like mentally soft.

SPEAKER_02 7:16

You have to build the calluses in the kids. I actually was just talking about this with Carter today because he had calluses on his hands because he's been shoveling and stuff, and he was like, I kind of like having calluses because then I don't feel the pain anymore. And I was like, Yeah, and you know what causes the calluses in the first place? And he was like, What? And I'm like, for you to be broken down and to experience the pain, and then your body rebuilds it back up and your skin is thicker and stronger, and that's what a callus is. And I said, and that's like anything in life. You have with working out, with having a job, you have to build yourself up. And it's not comfortable, but we have to do it. And I think that I don't know. Obviously, as parents, we want to do the best we can, and we are all genuinely trying our best, but culture is making it too easy, like we just live in a convenience culture. So we're gonna talk about those things because it's almost like we have to, we're not saying this episode's gonna be like change the world, you know. But even if you walk away from this episode just reminded, and it's stuff that you already know, but like reminded and emboldened a little bit, and you just are one percent better from this conversation, that makes a difference.

SPEAKER_01 8:31

Yeah. But to be honest with you, you change the world by focusing on you and then focusing on your family. And so, in reality, if enough people start trying to teach their kids how to be more mentally tough, then it would change the world one family at a time.

Convenience Culture And Lost Patience

SPEAKER_02 8:47

Yeah. So let's talk about some of these things. So number one, we live in a world built for convenience. I was some a friend just sent me a video yesterday and she was talking about how these moms have it so much but had it so much better because they weren't at the doctor's office while also in the waiting room, feeling the pressure to text three people back and make another appointment and order groceries at the same time. They didn't have all of that. And while all those things are good, like ordering groceries, you know, I could just do it in 10 minutes as opposed to spending two hours, the whole process going to the grocery store. All those things are good. In some ways, convenience has made us, it's just done so much bad for us too, because it takes us away from what is really in front of us, makes us less present. And so it's like, yeah, we live in a world built for convenience. And I think the original idea was for us to be more productive so that we had more time, except now we're filling that time with other stuff. So I don't even think that that is the main point. But convenience isn't evil, but it's nuanced. We we use we use these apps, we use these conveniences. But when it's constant and like you use this convenience all the time, you are less resilient because of it. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 10:04

Yeah, a hundred percent. And it's kind of like that book, The Slight Edge. It's like all of these like little things that might seem like it's not that big of a deal, but they start adding up the more and more that you do them. Like we used to have to, I know you have a note on here about like sh instant streaming. Like if we want to watch a show, we had to be in front of the TV at that time.

SPEAKER_02 10:27

At the time, whenever we're gonna be able to do no recording. Do you remember before like before D VR?

SPEAKER_01 10:30

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:31

And then when DVR came out, it was like life changing.

SPEAKER_01 10:33

It was like, oh, I could go back on I can record this when it played live and go back and watch it later and skip through the commercials or whatever. Yeah. And but so now we people can just sit down and completely binge watch an entire season of something.

SPEAKER_02 10:48

Right.

SPEAKER_01 10:48

Just nonstop. When before you would have to sit down during that time, you had to have patience. You had to have patience, it taught you patience, and then like when it was over, it was over. So you had to go do something else.

SPEAKER_02 10:58

Yeah. Yeah, it's the same thing. So, like the instant gratification of online streaming, but it's the same thing for online ordering. Like, I haven't been in a grocery store in a I well, actually, I have. I've gone to Giant Eagle a couple of times, but it's rare that I'll go into the grocery store with the kids and I'm like, well, it's because I have the kids and this is saving me hours, and it's it's better for the kids if I don't. But also, like, what's so wrong with me putting them in a grocery car? It's teaching them to be patient and it's teaching them like this is part of being part of a family.

SPEAKER_01 11:29

My mom's grocery shopping, and I think like takes it takes away from social interactions too.

SPEAKER_02 11:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:36

Which is a whole other thing.

SPEAKER_02 11:37

Right.

SPEAKER_01 11:38

But when you just order something and it's dropped at your door and you never had to interact with somebody, like it takes away from opportunities.

SPEAKER_02 11:44

And going on a deeper level of what you're saying is like, think about when you were a kid and your mom would be like, Oh, I ran into so-and-so's mom at the grocery store. We uh yearned for that connection and we wanted that connection, and that connection was good. And you would sit and you would talk to somebody for two or three minutes in the grocery store because you weren't constantly connected online. And now we have all of these convenience things and social media and texting and calling, and it's made us less personable, less social. It's just, it's just like it's completely flipped who we are.

SPEAKER_01 12:16

And even when we go to the store, we go to the self-checkout. Like I avoid the self-checkout unless I'm in a real hurry and the and the full service line is has a line to it. I will go out of my way to go to the person and not go to the self-checkout for the same it's the same thing.

SPEAKER_02 12:30

There's so much good in not choosing, like not choosing self-checkout, or being like, you know what? Instead of doing online ordering, I'm gonna build margin in my weekend to go to a farmer's market with my kids. Like, why that those are the joys in life, those are the small joys. And the thing about like back in the day, the small joys were the mundane moments that we had to do. And now we're we don't have those mundane moments. Like we don't really have to grocery shop, we don't really have to run this errand or do that because of the convenience. And so then we're not patient and we're short fused, and just want to get in and get out, the groceries dropped at the thing, and then it makes us less connected too.

SPEAKER_01 13:12

So and when it forces and it also makes us to just cram more things, like you said, because everything is so convenient, we can cram multiple things into the same day. And next thing you know, we're running around like total frantic lunatics because we crammed multiple things in. Because, oh, well, we can cram it in because while I'm doing this, I can have the groceries order.

SPEAKER_02 13:33

I'm the worst at this, like you're way better at this than me. But I feel like I have to cram every day with to-dos and productivity, and then I'm like, well, why am I stressed out all the time? It's like because you're trying to just be this right robot.

SPEAKER_01 13:48

And even and even like to go back to like the socials aspect of things too, with that, is the people even in our community, like we see what's going on in their lives because we were scrolling on Instagram or Facebook, so we don't even feel like we need we care to stop and say hi to somebody at the grocery store.

SPEAKER_02 14:06

This conversation is making me want to just delete my social media. And I know we have to live in the world and use the things, but we need to just be more intentional about making our like letting our kids sit in the grocery line with us and teaching them how to be bored and teaching them patience because again, this talking point number one was we live in a world built for convenience, and those things are good, and we're not saying cut those all out, use them still, but be intentional about like, okay, here's all my convenience things this week. What's one thing I can do to instill that's inconvenient. Yes, that's inconvenient, and uh like teaching my kids to be inconvenienced, letting my kids be inconvenienced because the truth is like if you're talking biblical, Jesus allowed himself to be inconvenienced all the time. That was what he was he ran into people because that he allowed them to inconvenience him. You know what I mean? He wasn't like, okay, I gotta go do this, this, and this and this and this. He created pause and margin in his day because he wanted to make space for the inconveniences, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 15:15

Yeah. And he said no to things.

SPEAKER_02 15:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:18

I was speaking to social media. I was watching a clip of a pastor talking about talking a little bit about that, and he was talking about when Jesus went to, I think it's Bethesda and went to the the that pool that all the like people that couldn't walk and were sick or whatever would go to this pool to get healed or whatever.

SPEAKER_00 15:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:35

And he healed the one, he went there and he healed the one guy. Well, it said it was during a feast that this was taking place. So he said there could have been anywhere from a hundred to two hundred people at this pool, all wanting to be there to be get healed, because it would have been a more people there because of the feast. And that Jesus went in and the Bible only says that he healed the one. Now it does he could have healed other people, but he it says it only singles out the one that he healed, and he would have had to have walked over and around a bunch of other people that wanted that needed that were there to be healed, to heal the one. But that wasn't for him. That wasn't part of God's plan, was for him to go there and heal everybody at the at the thing. Jesus, he he had margin and he had and he said no to things, and he was just so in tune with the father that he knew the plan.

SPEAKER_02 16:25

And I think going, yes, that makes me think about back to this convenience piece is what did you you just said something that I oh he made space for what God had planned for him. We're not doing that. We're absolutely not doing that. We're feeling ourselves so full because we can do more, more, more, more that we don't leave any space for God to do what he wants to do. You know, and he still will because he's God. But are you allowing him? And are you teaching your kids to allow him? Or are we, which this is a whole other episode that we're gonna do soon on sports and extracurricular activities, by filling our kids go so packed full to the brim, are we also teaching them to not leave space to for God? You know what I mean? I hate this, I hate this, but it's it's important that we notice it and that we're and try to be more intentional about it. But it's a constant battle. It really is.

SPEAKER_01 17:20

Yeah, and I just feel like like the practical answer to all this is because we're inundated with so much convenience and so many things, is that it requires us to be more disciplined than we ever have been in history.

SPEAKER_02 17:33

And be okay with okay, the rest of the world is going at a thousand miles per hour, and I'm only gonna go at five hundred. And if we don't if we don't keep up with the Joneses because of that, that's all right. Yeah. And it's actually probably better.

SPEAKER_01 17:47

Not being lazy, but intentional. But being intentional.

SPEAKER_02 17:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:51

Like don't use it as an excuse to be lazy.

Overprotection And The Anxiety Tradeoff

SPEAKER_02 17:54

Yeah, there was actually just a worship song that I was listening to this week, and I I it wasn't one I was familiar with, but it came up. I had my phone on shuffle and it said like something, I'll have to find it, but something like the slower I go, the further I get. And it was just like it was like a song about slowing down and being in God's presence and realizing that like the slower you go at the pay, you know what I mean? The further you're going in life because you're letting God lead you instead of doing it in your own strength. And you're slowing down and letting God guide you. So, okay, we have a lot more to cover. Uh, number two, are we overprotecting our kids? Yeah. I mean, I think we are. We have created a culture where our we are overprotective. We have a very broken world. It's a very scary world. It's not the world that we were growing up in. Even that world was scary, but it's even more unsafe now. That little girl was just killed by that pathetic driver. Awful, awful, awful, awful.

SPEAKER_01 18:50

I will say, can I just say one thing on just that overarching topic? Is that I don't know if we will even fully know this, but I've heard it said and I make it makes me wonder too. Because we have access to so much technology, is it actually more unsafe now? Or do we just hear about things so much more because of social media than we would have in the past?

SPEAKER_02 19:11

Yeah, and I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 19:12

You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02 19:13

Yeah. But even with that said, let's pretend it is. We do need to be cognizant of the world that we're living in and not be careless. But also, I think overprotecting our kids is hurting our kids. And we now live in this world where you have to keep your kid inside. You can't be outside without your kids. It's almost like if you're not a helicopter parent, you are a bad parent. Like Carter riding around town. It's we definitely get pushback and get looks from other parents because it's not safe. And how dare you? But also, he's gonna be 14 years old.

SPEAKER_01 19:44

There's also parents that are letting their kids that is one of the nice things about our community. There are other parents in our community that are also letting their kids ride around.

SPEAKER_02 19:52

Yes, but then there's also parents on the school district blue moms group saying those moms have mental. What kind of parent would let your kid ride around town? And it's like because he's a boy, didn't let their parent is letting your kids sit in your house with unlimited access to the internet and probably porn and all kind all other kinds of stuff because you're too scared to let them be outside in nature. What's more dangerous?

SPEAKER_01 20:16

Anybody that's common that has the time or whatever that is going on to some Facebook page and commenting crap like that, you've got some problems, bruh. Yeah, I that's if you are have the time or whatever to care to go onto Facebook and post something like that, like you've got problems. Who's got who does that?

SPEAKER_02 20:35

A lot of people do. That's a this is a different. We're not gonna talk about this here. Uh don't go off on it because I want to do an episode on this. But instead of loving children and accepting that children are children, adults like strangers want children to behave like adults. So, for example, like let's say Carter, he's 13 years old, he's a dumb boy, he's gonna be maybe one day in a grocery store doing something dumb, like a that a 13-year-old would do, maybe in a parking lot doing a wheelie, and he accidentally pulls out in front of a car and it's an old lady. And instead of the old lady like lovingly critiquing him and saying, like, hey, you need to be careful, buddy. I know you love to ride your bike, but you have to be careful. You almost got hit by a car. They are go online, they bash the parent. How dare you let your kid ride around town? No, we need to teach our kids these things. And as a whole, as a community, as a church body, we need to be willing to accept that kids are going to be kids and they're gonna make mistakes. And we need to be open as parents to allow other adults to lovingly correct these kids, but also you can't be the adult that's inconvenienced by kids and just nasty because it's not doing it.

SPEAKER_01 21:48

Yeah, what kind of miserable existence is your life? Like that's the whole point of the community.

SPEAKER_02 21:54

I know. Yeah. Anyway, we'll we'll go back back to that later. So are we over protecting our kids? Obviously, the world's changed in some ways and wisdom does matter. And we have to follow our conviction as parents and what we feel comfortable with. But have we swung so far toward protection that we are not teaching our kids independence? And we're, I mean, honestly, eliminating independence because we're so afraid. We need our kids to be confident. We need our need our kids to develop confidence. And confidence is not going to develop by being helicopter parents and not letting them go out and take risks.

SPEAKER_01 22:32

Yes. Let them take risks. They need that. That's part of life.

SPEAKER_02 22:35

Climbing on playgrounds, building bike ramps, the best. Doing things that are dangerous.

SPEAKER_01 22:47

And then learning from your mistakes.

SPEAKER_02 22:49

Yeah. We're because then that's when they learn consequence. Right. You're preventing.

SPEAKER_01 22:53

And we're not talking about like being completely like careless and irrational here, but like an example, even from when the kids were young, of like of letting Carter and Liberty and all of them like climb things.

SPEAKER_00 23:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:09

We have that playground here that it's really built for, I think it's shoot, I forget the age category, but it's like like a 12, like eight to twelve or something like that. It's got a five-foot platform on it. And letting our two-year-olds, one-year-olds, uh like with us watching and with us right, like kind of behind them, but letting them climb it and not like no no no stay off of there. Like encouraging them.

SPEAKER_02 23:34

Yeah, you're holding your breath as a parent a little bit, but you're like, Yeah, you got this. You got this. And not letting them see you're scared. Because if kids the kids are constantly receiving this message that this is scary or this is dangerous, and you could die from this, what is that doing to their nervous systems?

SPEAKER_00 23:50

Yeah, seriously, dude.

SPEAKER_02 23:52

It's not good. It reminds me, I actually pulled up some quotes. It reminds me of the Anxious Generation, that book that I read. And there was a portion where he talked, I mean, he talked a lot about this about overprotecting our children in the real world. And we've live in a cult culture now where we're denying them unsupervised play and risk, and how that actually hampers their psychological development and it it causes anxiety in kids because they need to be able to take risks. And those risks create confidence. If they don't have that, they don't, they're not confident, and then they're anxious.

SPEAKER_01 24:30

Those the the taking those risks help them conquer fears, helps them to be uncomfortable. Anything, like I said earlier, anything big and worth it in life is usually on the other side of something that was risky, uncomfortable, hard, all of those things. And it built helps them build those calluses that you were talking about earlier, which gives them confidence to continue to do more big things.

SPEAKER_02 24:55

Right.

SPEAKER_01 24:56

So by overprotecting them, we're actually causing more harm to them. So your overprotection, which I think for a lot of people, their heart is in the right place in that they want to, they don't want their kids to get, you know, quote unquote hurt. But in the long term, you're actually causing the hurt and setting them up for failure.

Independence Builds Confidence Through Responsibility

SPEAKER_02 25:15

Yeah. Yeah. So number two, are we overprotecting them? The answer is yes. And in turn, it's creating soft, soft kids. Number three, we did kind of hit on this too, but we'll go a little bit deeper. Independence creates confidence. But really, this is the heart of the whole episode. I mean, you can hear this threaded through every point. But I did, I saw this online or I read it in a book somewhere where someone said, don't ever do for your kids what they're capable of. And I think that's really simple and it's something I think about. And sometimes I feel like I'm a mean or a lazy mom because of it. But really, I think it's just good because I would say Carter and Liberty are really pretty independent.

SPEAKER_00 25:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:58

So an easy example is packing their lunches, where I think there's some moms who find total joy in that. And I'm that's fine. You find something else, but that they need that they should do. But like if they're at the age where they are capable of doing it, loading their dish in the dishwasher, packing their own lunch, it might not be to the standard that you like, but you need to let them do it because again, that independence is what creates confidence, and we're doing it in a careful environment where they they have room to mess up. Like maybe they forget a sandwich and they just have a bunch of sugary stuff and then they come home and they're starving that day. Well, that will actually teach them, yeah, I do need protein, like my mom said. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 26:41

Yep. So and and at some point, they're gonna be on their own.

SPEAKER_02 26:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:46

And so we need to have given them opportunities and help guide them when they need some guidance on how to pack their lunches, do their laundry, mow the lawn, use some power tools, yeah, clean do the dishwasher. You know, what's it like when you don't clean the dishes off completely before you put them in dishwasher? Oh, it's got crap on it still, you gotta clean it again. It's like all this stuff because they're gonna be on their own one day.

SPEAKER_02 27:10

Right.

SPEAKER_01 27:11

And it would be better if they get to that point and they already have know how to properly do a lot of these things than for them to try to figure all this stuff out one day because you never taught them.

SPEAKER_02 27:22

But responsibility, sometimes as a mom, like I feel guilty because I'm like, you can I could do this for them, I could make it easier. They had a long day at school, blah, blah, blah, blah. But the reality is that every responsibility says to your kid, I believe in you, and I believe that you can do this, and I know that you can do this, as opposed to, oh, let me do this for you, let me make this for you. We're creating kids who can't do anything for themselves. Even Maya, like a simple one that is simple as when she's like, Can you go get me a water? It's like, no, you're four, you're three years old, you're four years old, you're five years old, you can go get your own water.

SPEAKER_01 28:01

And and even uh it made me think too, even like the financial literacy, like the conversation we were just having with Carter, is you know, he's really into his bikes and he's his BMX bike and he's building jumps and doing good stuff, which is great. He's outside and he's doing something that he likes to do. But at the same note, he wanted this bike as like an$800 bike, which I can't even fathom, but that's a whole other thing, and maybe that's an old person thing to say. But I'm just like, I'm like, hey, dude, you're you're turning 14 here in a month, and you have two more years until you're gonna have a car. And I'm not buying you a car.

SPEAKER_02 28:39

Right. Because he said, even if we could buy you a car, even if we were worth one million million dollars, we're not buying you a car.

SPEAKER_01 28:49

Because he needs to learn how to save his money and not have immediate gratification or instant gratification on buying stuff whatever he wants with the money that he has when he makes it. So he needs to say learn how to save towards a goal, how to say no to certain things and be disciplined there. And then when he does buy that car, when you have had to work hard for something and save up money for something and spend your money on it that your blood, sweat, and tears went into, you're gonna take better care of it. At least you should. And so we want him to learn that lesson because if we just go and get him a car, what did we teach him?

When Helping Too Much Creates Dependence

SPEAKER_02 29:22

Right. It might feel really good in the moment to be like, here's your new car. We're the best parents of the year. But what are you teaching? That's the whole point of being a parent is to raise capable humans who can be independent, good adults who are good contributors to society. And that's the point of this whole podcast, you guys. A force to be reckoned with, raising up the next generation to rise up and live the lives that God called them to. And we're not gonna do that by coddling our kids. So, yeah, letting our kids be capable builds their identity and it builds their confidence. So, number three, independence creates confidence. I think we hit that one home pretty good. Yep. Now, number four, let me get to there. We may be raising dependence without realizing it. Again, these all kind of bleed together, but helping too much actually weakens them. So, do you is there anything you want to say more on this?

SPEAKER_01 30:15

If we don't help them to be independent, right? We're thereby creating dependence on us. Yeah. And so that's when our kids come to us and they're like, I'm bored. Can you like they they want to be entertained by us? Like it's our job to entertain them for everything. Or because we say yes to so many things where they get to go somewhere and these things cost money and all of that, they feel like they have to constantly be taking places and we have to buy things for them every time we go somewhere. And they just think that the whole world just gets handed to them. Right. When we're the ones sacrificing and working to provide and do all that. And one day that's going to be on them. They're gonna have to provide for their family. And so we need to prepare them for that because if we just give them everything, then that's not preparing them for the real world.

SPEAKER_02 31:04

Right. Where that's that's the essence of this episode is creating soft kits. We don't want to create soft kits because that's not the real world. And so, although it may be easier when our kid is in an uncomfortable situation or they we can bail them out of a certain consequence, that's what we want to do because we love our kids so much. The actual loving thing to do is to let them have that hard moment and work through it and to let them deal with the consequence consequence themselves because that's building up that callous to prepare them for the real world. Because if we don't, when they go out into the real world, when they're adults, they will be crippled by the reality of this world. And honestly, they're not gonna be likable people.

SPEAKER_01 31:47

They're gonna be weenies, and to be they're gonna be weenies. They're not gonna be capable.

SPEAKER_02 31:52

And the scary thing is that I do, I'm not saying we, me and you, I'm saying we, the listeners, the people who are like-minded, I do think that in some ways we out, we are the minority. And I and uh we're getting softer and softer and softer every generation. I'm doing these recording days with my uncles for their Impact Without Limits podcast, and they're doing a really, really good series right now on America, and we're doing the revolutionary war. I'm I mean, if you hear some of these stories of these war heroes, I can't, I don't think the men of today, there's I don't think there's very many of them.

SPEAKER_01 32:27

No, we're completely soft.

SPEAKER_02 32:28

We're complete weenies. I mean, I and it's really scary because if we ever got into a time that, you know, needed that, I just don't even we have very, very soft people.

SPEAKER_01 32:39

Yeah. I could easily just say the the the that's a great example of how soft we are. Because we as a country, before we were a country, we went to war over a 3% tax and just and being taxed without having representation. And if you look at it today, most people, when you're when all said and done, income taxes, sales taxes, property taxes, you know, taxes on your fuel, all of that, we're paying over 50% in taxes now. And we're given the illusion that when we vote for somebody that we do have representation, when we really don't, all these politicians are just catering to their freaking donors. We're completely fine with it. You don't see us having a revolution now. I'm guilty of that. We're all guilty of it.

Practical Ways To Normalize Discomfort

SPEAKER_02 33:28

Yeah, and I do just want to do a little plug here for my uncle's podcast because this season I have learned so much. I don't really like love history or politics like you do. And they're not talking about politics. They're literally talking about the birth of America because it's the semi-quincentennial. Uh, if you don't know what that means, look it up. Yeah, I'm gonna link it in the show notes because one, you will learn so much. And it's easy to listen to, but also it's kind of a wake-up call of when I go to these recording days with them, I get obviously a front row seat because I'm editing their podcast and I'm but I walk away feeling like, man, we have so much work to do. But I also walk away feeling like, man, I feel so emboldened to go home and love my family better and raise my kids better and educate myself better because we have become so weak. We've become so soft. So I'm gonna link that. But yeah, point four, we may be raising dependence without realizing it. I think we kind of covered that. Is there anything more you want to say on that? Okay. So last piece, just some quick, um, quick things on this last segment is how, so here's all the bad things, but how do we combat this? And so we're just gonna share some of the things that we do and some things we wanna do, things we wanna do better. But we and we did kind of talk about some of these, but number one, normalize discomfort, discomfort. So for the simple example, like they'll walk with the stroller, the cozy stroller, yeah, that's all great and fine. But sometimes just like let your kids go on a walk without a snack and be thirsty. That's a simple one. But just letting kids be bored, limiting their constant entertainment.

SPEAKER_01 35:07

Just saying, go outside and figure it out. No phone, yeah, no electronics, just go outside and figure it out.

SPEAKER_02 35:13

Like have a day where it's like, nope, we're having a discomfort day, and you're just gonna go be a 90s kid, which that shouldn't even be that uncomfortable because it's actually really fun. We had the best childhoods, but they need we need to have some tough, tough kids, you know?

SPEAKER_01 35:27

So Yeah, and um, I feel like I've mentioned this before, but it's it was years ago, but this stuck so much with me. There was a a business owner and he was a former army ranger, and he owned like multiple gym franchises, and he was talking about how you know he's well off now and that he can give his kids a lifestyle that he never had because of because he's well off, and that he intentionally he creates discomfort for his kids.

SPEAKER_00 35:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:55

So like the example he gave, and I it was so long ago, I forget the exact details of it, but they went and like climbed this mountain with his kids, not something you had to do like rock climbing with, but they hiked this mountain and it was something that was really hard for adults to do. And his kids were like 10, 12, 13, something like that. But he he took them to do these things that were really hard to do, and they were like struggling to get to the top of this mountain, but he made them keep pushing through. And his thing was is that I'm well off and I can give my kids a lifestyle that I, you know, never or that I never had. Yeah. But I need to intentionally look for ways to create discomfort for my kids so they can learn. And I'm there, I'm there to help and guide, you know, to some extent, but that they need to go through hard things.

SPEAKER_02 36:44

So give responsibility early. Number two, let them take age-appropriate risks. We talked about this. So just being okay with like, yeah, he might go on a bike ride and he might wreck and he might break his collarbone, but he's learning lessons. He's learning lessons through that to obey his parents and not break the rules. But also, they're gonna get they're gonna be confident by letting them do age-appropriate things that are a little bit risky. Number three, stop over speaking for them. This is a big one.

SPEAKER_01 37:15

That's a big one. So anytime that we're out at a restaurant, I make the kids order for themselves. And sometimes they're like, I don't want to. I'm like, well, then you're not eating.

SPEAKER_00 37:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:25

You need to tell them what you want. They're waiting, they're right here. Because they need to have that little bit of they need to be able to communicate with people. They're gonna have to order their own food at some point in time.

SPEAKER_00 37:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:36

And they need to learn what that's like, what that socialization is like, how to have manners, how to ask for questions. If it's like, well, can I get this instead of this? Like they need to figure all that stuff out.

SPEAKER_02 37:47

100%. And when you want when the kid, when your children leave your house, you want them to be equipped. You want them to know how to do these things. I same thing when you're a cashier, all different kinds of stuff. When you're at the ATM, walking them through how to use the ATM, because these are all things that we do every day. And it's like just being more intentional about including your kids in on it, because then they're becoming a part of it and they're understanding it more. And then this next one, teach endurance.

SPEAKER_01 38:17

Yeah, not quitting when it gets hard.

SPEAKER_02 38:20

Right. We don't have to rescue our kids from every single thing. We the other day our kids got in trouble, their consequence was running a mile. And I ran it with them, but we pushed and we we actually had a good mile time, but just teaching them to push through, push through discomfort. And actually, it was a really good punishment because by the end, everybody was laughing, everybody was happy. They completed something hard. And so when you teach them endurance and they actually see it through, it again, it builds that confidence and it makes them it's good for their brains.

SPEAKER_01 38:56

Yeah, and honestly, a lot of times just achieving what you set out to do is just on the other side of not quitting.

SPEAKER_00 39:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 39:02

You know, I I saw this, it was actually like a sales meme the other day. It was an image, and it was a picture of these guys that were like digging in a mine, and then there was diamonds on the other side, and the one guy quit when there was like three inches left to get to the diamond. He quit and went away. And it said like most salespeople quit after 14 calls, but what if you would have made the 15th and you would have got what you wanted? But that's like how it is with anything is is sometimes it's just it's just persevering and pushing through and just not giving up. You hear many business stories about that, where they maybe they were in business for 10 years and didn't make any money, but then they hit the 11th year, they broke through and they never looked back, and now it's uh millions and millions of dollars business.

Faith And The Call To Courage

SPEAKER_02 39:48

Right. So, all that to say, comfort is a terrible teacher, and if we remove every obstacle, we're also removing growth, like uh growth opportunities from our kids.

SPEAKER_01 39:59

And comfort's not biblical.

SPEAKER_02 40:01

Yeah, that's true.

SPEAKER_01 40:02

It's not, it's not. Jesus's life was hard. He basically caravanned, if that's even the right phrase. He like camped out all these places. He didn't have a home when he was on mission, walking around not knowing where the food was gonna come from, where you know, where he was gonna rest his head.

SPEAKER_00 40:18

Right.

SPEAKER_01 40:19

And he said things to us like, pick up your cross and follow me. Do you really know what that entails? Picking up your cross? He's saying to die to self.

SPEAKER_02 40:28

And maybe you do, but do your kids. Right. And that's the point. We can't be protecting our kids from these things.

SPEAKER_01 40:34

In this world, you will have trouble, but take heart. I have overcome the world. Yeah. Run the race. Yeah. There's all these phrases throughout the Bible about just keep pushing, stick on, stick with it, just stick with Jesus. And it's not going to be easy, it's going to be hard, but it's worth it. And he'll and he'll sustain you through it. And your kids need that model for them. And then they need you to help guide them through their own discomfort, their own hard things.

SPEAKER_02 40:59

Right. It's not true.

SPEAKER_01 40:59

Without taking it from them.

SPEAKER_02 41:01

It's not about just saying, all right, we're feeding you to the wolves, we're throwing you to danger, we're ignoring all of your needs, but that's called negligence. Right. But it is about remembering that our kids are capable and helping them to believe that they're strong, they're resilient, teaching them to be competent. And those things have to be developed. They don't just happen.

SPEAKER_01 41:22

And that and let them experience God coming through and supporting them. Yeah. That helps the relationship with Christ.

SPEAKER_02 41:29

Yep. That's a good, good way to end it. But I do just want to say that we are soft and we have to fight against creating comfortable kids because we live in a culture that allows it makes it really easy for us to raise soft, comfortable kids. But the world does not need more comfortable kids. It needs courageous, capable, resilient kids. And that is our not just our responsibility as parents, but it is a privilege as parents to raise up this next generation of not weenies but warriors. I just made that up.

SPEAKER_01 42:05

Not weenies but warriors.

SPEAKER_02 42:08

So yeah, we hope you guys like this episode.

SPEAKER_01 42:10

Um maybe we should make that shirt. It says raising warriors, not weenies.

SPEAKER_02 42:15

I like it. I like it. All right. We'll catch you guys next week.