255. Feeling Alone in This Season of Parenting?

A reminder we are telling ourselves daily: God has given us this family on purpose, and when we feel unequipped, we can bring that to Jesus instead of pretending we have it all together. 

If you’re raising kids and trying to set healthy boundaries without losing connection, hit play, share this with a parent friend, and leave a review so more families can find it. What boundary are you holding right now that feels hardest to explain?

Transcript

Spiritual Warfare And Feeling Equipped

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Even on the days that we don't feel equipped because we're not equipped, we can go to the feet of Jesus and just be reminded and encouraged that like through him we are equipped because this is the family he has called us to.

SPEAKER_00 0:13

We are at war, and it's not against our neighbors, spouses, children, politicians, or whatever else we feel like we're battling against.

SPEAKER_01 0:20

So the questions are who's the fight against? And are we winning or losing? We're the Adkins, and we are a force to be reckoned with. Are you ready to join the force?

Year Two Of Parenting Teens

SPEAKER_01 0:37

All right, we hope you guys are doing fantastic. We're back for another week of Force to be reckoned. Um we hope you enjoyed the episode last week. It got a little fiery. It was really fun. I feel like it was one of the first ones in a while that we were like, it's because we were sitting on it for so long. We were sitting on it for so long. We just want to have a quick, like, we don't have an outline, but this is a little bit going off of last week's episode. It's we want to have a more candid, off-the-cuff conversation about parenting as we are now in year two of teen parenting. And just think she means parent.

SPEAKER_00 1:14

See, when she said this, I thought of parents that are teenagers. We're talking about people parenting teens.

SPEAKER_01 1:20

They know we're not teens.

SPEAKER_00 1:22

Well, see, I'm not the smartest person in the you've got a full beard and wrinkles.

SPEAKER_01 1:26

I'm not a full you're not a teen.

SPEAKER_00 1:28

But yeah, can we put a filter on that gives me a glow up?

SPEAKER_01 1:32

As you guys know, we've got five kids. Our oldest is now 14, and like we're new to this.

SPEAKER_00 1:38

And bro, we got uh what do they call the when you're uh before you're a teen, a tween? By is that what they call it?

SPEAKER_01 1:44

We got a tween. We got a tween, and then we've got littles, which is like that in itself has been such a struggle of just a big family is hard. Yeah, right? And then the age gap. The age gap is really hard because it's like, well, yeah, it would be so fun to go fishing with Carter and Liberty and Maya. And also the babies would drown, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:04

They would just jump right off. So you're sending out a cast.

SPEAKER_01 2:07

Oh, there's a kid in the water, and then it's like it would be so fun to go to Chuck E. Cheese, and then Carter would be bored out of his mind.

SPEAKER_00 2:16

He's like, What is this?

SPEAKER_01 2:17

So we're learning, but you know, we just are saying to ourselves every day and reminding our kids, like we just had this conversation with our kids yesterday, that this is the family that God has given us. And before he ever created any of the five kids, or us, or us, he knew that this was our family, that this is the family we were the parents that he was gonna place these five kids with, and we need to find encouragement in that. And like, even on the days that we don't feel equipped because we're not equipped, we can go to the feet of Jesus and just be reminded and encouraged that like through him we are equipped because this is the family he has called us to, right?

SPEAKER_00 2:58

And and and we tell our teen, like, hey, you're our first kid, so everything that you go through is our first time going through it too. Like as the as parenting somebody that's going through that. So the first time you were in elementary school, that was our first time parenting a kid in elementary school. Yeah, middle school is our first time playing sports, it's our first time being parents of somebody playing sports. Yeah, this is our first time parenting somebody that is going into high school, yeah.

Humility, Mistakes, And Apologising

SPEAKER_01 3:26

And so, with that, like I think a really big thing that goes a long way with our relationship with our kids and with other parents is just like total humility, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:36

And openness about that.

SPEAKER_01 3:38

Of like, we're some not everybody's like this, and I know it's you have to find your people that you're comfortable with. I'm not saying just go dump to everybody because that could be actually quite harmful. And I do think that sometimes people don't always give the best advice, but like humility in saying to our kids, like like we say to Carter, we've we've never done this before. Like we're doing our best and we are doing what we feel God is asking us to do as your parents, but we're still gonna mess up.

unknown 4:07

Right.

SPEAKER_01 4:07

And when we realize we mess up in the moment, we're gonna apologize and we're gonna make it right. But there's still just some mistakes that we're gonna make that then sorry, Liberty, we learned it through Carter. And now, because of learning it through Carter, we have to do things differently the next time around because the definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing over and over again.

SPEAKER_00 4:27

And so expecting a different result.

The Phone Decision We Regret

SPEAKER_01 4:29

Like one of them was that we gave Carter a phone way too early. Yep. And so if you're a younger parent out there listening, and this is such a hard time to parent, and I don't want this to be like a full on tech episode, more just like a general yeah, just an example. Here's your friends, we're sitting down, we're talking about this, and just encouraging you that like we're all going through the same stuff. But the phone we realized, and I want to preface this with saying every family has different dynamics, every parent has different convictions, and every kid is different. This isn't like a rule book of this is what we recommend, but you're based on your kid's personality, based on what you feel like you're supposed to do as their parent, you know what's best for your parent. You have to make that decision. We gave Carter his phone when he was 11. Nine? Nine for Christmas.

SPEAKER_00 5:17

That was a gab phone.

SPEAKER_01 5:18

It was a gab phone, no internet, only call and text. And we were like, but also, you know, he had practices, like there it we told him this is a tool, we were super strict with it. But even then, like looking back, now Liberty's 11 and she still doesn't have her own phone, like there were ways that we were like that we could have like you.

SPEAKER_00 5:40

We could have figured it out without it, we could have figured it out without it. And like we didn't have phones when we were nine.

SPEAKER_01 5:46

Yes, and even though here's why even though we didn't have he didn't have the internet, he didn't have games, he literally couldn't do anything with it. It was like a dinosaur phone. The habit of being so accessible was just through text. And even just with family, because he would end up having conversations with like a family member, and they would get into the habit of texting him for plans. Like he would do this with your mom. And I'm not just calling your mom out like in a bad light, but like we're it's like undermining for us at least.

SPEAKER_00 6:16

Like it felt he'd be like, Oh, hey, I was texting her and I and I'm going to her house. And it's like that needs to us.

SPEAKER_01 6:22

Yeah, like it just you realize how intentional you have to be with the phone. So one of the things was like that, like we're still the parents, things need to go through us. You shouldn't be having access to be able to just like text these people as a nine-year-old and make plans because we're the parents and we need to be intentional and protect our schedules and all that. Maybe that sounds crazy, but that's how it goes with our family. And two, the communication skills, like oh, they're so bad. We had like he's nine, you know, and back to back to back to back to back text. And it's like you have to be aware that like when you hand your child a device, they're gonna need some direction. Yeah. I'm like, it's not courtesy.

SPEAKER_00 7:00

Dude didn't even know how to get off the phone right. He was just like, hang up. It's like, dude, you gotta say bye.

SPEAKER_01 7:05

Right. So just like realizing that when you when that does happen, there needs to be time and space to coach them through conversations and how to have a conversation and proper phone etiquette and proper grammar, which, although having proper grammar right now is like really not cool, that's how you know you're old, but I don't have proper grammar because I'm texting and driving.

SPEAKER_00 7:27

I judge people that don't do at least some level of proper grammar in the text.

SPEAKER_01 7:32

Yeah. But anyway, come on, like all this.

SPEAKER_00 7:34

Type out the word you, don't use the letter you.

SPEAKER_01 7:37

That was one lesson that we that dumb we learned as parents. Like nine was too young, even though it was a tool for practice and for calling us when he was at a friend's house, because it is scary, like to have sleepovers and you know, not have access to your kid. But how so but it was too much too soon. So, how we're navigating.

SPEAKER_00 7:58

Which is another thing. And I'm not like sometimes I'm like, maybe we should have done that. Yeah, should do that.

SPEAKER_01 8:03

But how we're navigating that now with Liberty, who just turned 11, is we did just get a phone that is a home phone for her, and we're like, sorry, like it's a little bit of a bummer to her because she always thought, well, Carter got this phone when I was in that when he was nine, and I didn't.

SPEAKER_00 8:20

Well, we don't tell her, like, hey, we jacked up, dude.

SPEAKER_01 8:23

Yeah. So it's a home phone that she is not to have at all. She has no internet, has no YouTube, it has no games, nothing until like if there's a reason. So we have five kids. Sometimes we have to drop her off at practice and we can't stay. She would take the phone to call us in case of an emergency. If she goes to uh sleepover at a house, we want her to be able to have access to us in case like she's feeling like she wants picked up and it's awkward to say to like she could very easily say to the mom, like if it's a mom that we're friends with and she's comfortable with, right? Hey, I want to go home. But sometimes yeah, anyway. So stuff like that. But that's not even the whole point of this episode. What is the point?

Pressure From Other Families

SPEAKER_00 9:07

Well, in saying that is we have more recently, I think, we've felt like we're like our kids would be like, Well, so and so, they don't have any restrictions on their phone, and they can get they have unlimited YouTube and unlimited Snapchat or whatever, and the kids start to maybe give you some pressure, and you feel like you kind of I mean, we kind of feel that pressure a little bit because then we're like, Well, we don't want definitely we don't want Carter to feel weird or isolated or isolated, and it's like, okay, we feel like we're on an island and we're like these strict parents doing all these strict things, and we don't want to like have cut out of invitations to things because he doesn't have a phone, or so you think about those things. Yeah, they don't want to feel left out in a sense, right? Or isolated, and we feel like, oh, well, we're must be the only people doing this, yeah. And then we realize that we're not, yeah, because everybody's going through this.

SPEAKER_01 10:05

All of the kids are saying, You're the you're so strict, nobody's as strict as you, everybody else has access to this stuff, and then it's our one friend said, Well, you're the second most strict parent I know.

SPEAKER_00 10:16

You're not as strict as so-and-so, but you're the second most strict. And then she told us like what they do. We're like, dude, I know like 10 other parents that are more strict than you.

SPEAKER_01 10:23

Yeah, so like the first encouragement that we're learning is go talk to the parents because chances are they're being We're all navigating this really for the first time. But what happens when you what happens when you come across a kid who you like and enjoy, and but they actually do have no limits? Like, how do we and then you're feeling like, well, this is a good kid, and those are good parents that I love and respect. So maybe this isn't such a bad thing, and like maybe we should allow them to have social media because this family's doing it and they're having good controls on it, and it's working out well for them. I again it goes back to following the conviction of you as an individual parent because you're you know your children, you know their personalities, and you know your capacity and margin. Like maybe that parent has more margin to monitor than you do.

SPEAKER_00 11:14

Yeah, I think that it's really good to talk. I encourage everybody to talk to uh Christian parents and see what they're doing, maybe pick up some tips and stuff like that. But at the end of the day, don't just do what everyone else is doing for the sake of doing what everyone else is doing. Like it it goes back to the other the last week's episode of seek Christ, seek your relationship with Christ, take these things to him, and then how you handle your kids' phone or other things that we're talking about with our kids is an outpouring of your relationship with Christ. Because you know, because like you said, so all families are different, dynamics are different, kids are different. Some kids are more mature than other kids, they can maybe handle some things a little bit more.

SPEAKER_01 11:57

Yeah, this just gave me a thought, like because I also know we have younger people listening too who we didn't necessarily grow up in the tech era, we kind of grew up right before it, and then it was like thrust upon us, and so we were almost like the guinea pigs.

SPEAKER_00 12:11

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01 12:12

There are kids who are maybe in their early to mid-20s or younger that I don't know, and if younger is listening to this, but like I'm curious to know, and maybe you can send us a message through the link in our show notes if like what your limits have been growing up, or even as a young adult, what your limits set for yourself and if you wish they would have been more.

SPEAKER_00 12:33

Yeah. Yeah. Because as a parent, I wonder that because yeah, when you look back now, maybe you're in your early 20s and you look back to when you were in high school and just think, like, oh, you know what? Or I didn't have any restrictions, maybe I should have had this, or my parents were too strict.

SPEAKER_01 12:47

Maybe I could have had not even just with tech, but like, what is a rule that your parents had that didn't make sense when you and so this could go for anybody listening. What's a rule that your parents had growing up that when you were a kid you hated it and it didn't make sense? But looking back and you were like, as a when I'm a parent, I'm never gonna do that. Because I can think of one right now that now as a parent, you're like, this makes sense, and I know my kids are gonna hate it, but I'm doing it anyway. For me, do you have one? No, you don't? No, because why? Because you were allowed to do whatever you wanted, pretty much, okay.

Rules We Hated Then Appreciated

SPEAKER_01 13:20

Yeah, but do you feel like that was a mistake? Yeah, okay. Well, I guess we shouldn't.

SPEAKER_00 13:24

No, no, I want to hear your no, yeah, I do think it was a mistake. Yeah, I wish I would have had a little more restrictions.

SPEAKER_01 13:29

For me, one that I've been thinking of a lot recently is TVs in our rooms. When I was younger, I wanted a TV in my room so bad because like cable was newer. I loved Disney Channel, I loved making videos, and I just like I wanted a TV in my room so bad. My best friend in elementary school, Cammie, she had a TV in her room and we would do sleepovers at her house because we could watch TV. And it there was it was truly harmless. But and so at the time I'm like, I'm not doing anything bad. Like, I just want a TV in my room so I can hang out in my room. And I'm when I'm a parent, I'm gonna let my kids have TVs in their rooms. And now as an adult, I so appreciate that because I think, like, how many hours would I have spent in my room? Right that and again, like we're probably the very, very, very, very minority. It's very normal to have TVs in your room. Like, and we even have TVs. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:23

Well, I thought it was weird when we first were dating, and you like you nobody in your house had TVs in their rooms because when I was growing up, we had TVs in our rooms. Yeah. Now we couldn't afford cable. Yeah. But so I had like an old school antenna and I could get four channels and watch like Jay Leno's late late night show on my in my room on my little box TV.

SPEAKER_01 14:41

Yeah. But and I thought at the time, I'm like, it's just because my parents want to monitor what I'm watching and they don't trust me. But like now, with our kids who don't have TVs in their rooms, for me, it's not even that. It's just like I know but a little bit. We want to watch TV together. And like I wanted to limit as much I want our kids to feel comfortable in our rooms and like if they need alone time, they can go to their rooms, but I don't want them to for their rooms to be their sanctuaries. Right. I want our house and our common areas to be their sanctuaries, the kitchen where we can cook food together, the living room where we can watch a movie together, the dining room where we can build a puzzle together, the back patio where we can.

SPEAKER_00 15:20

To be honest with you, because they're even in our house, like they have their TV in the basement, we've set the basement up for them, and there are times where they escape to down there and we're like, dude, like we shouldn't, they shouldn't be down there. Like we should be hanging out. So we'll have them come up, but it they already do that to an extent, you know, even with that space.

SPEAKER_01 15:36

Yeah, yeah. So anyway, I don't even know what we what even is the point. Like, what what how did we get here? How do we get on TVs in our rooms? I'm trying to think of another rule. One I still don't understand this day is the no spaghetti strap, tank tops. Like, it was hot, man.

SPEAKER_00 15:51

It's hot out here.

SPEAKER_01 15:52

Um, but I don't know. I would be curious to know you guys, like, send us a message. What what's a rule that like as a kid you didn't appreciate, but as a parent you now appreciate, or the flip that you wished would have been more strict on that you were like negatively impacted by that now as a parent. So I think like sleepovers would be one, like maybe a parent is really strict on sleepovers because it's something maybe they experienced as a kid where there weren't as tight rules, you know. Yeah. So, but okay, the last thing

Loosening Rules As Trust Grows

SPEAKER_01 16:22

I want to talk about. This is a little bit this episode's a little bit all over the place, but it I like doing ones like this. But we're navigating this, like we said, it's so hard and tricky, and like tech is so new, and we're not sure of the long-term effects. But what I can say specifically for tech is like I see the decline in people skills and customer service, and I truly believe that's from tech, but also just as a whole, it is so easy to get caught up in what's this family doing and what's this family doing, not just with tech, with everything, and then feeling like, well, I want my kid to fit in and I don't want them to be an outcast, so maybe I should bend on this rule. And I and I will say that we have bent on some rules that I don't regret, that we've been too strict, and then Carter has earned our trust and we've been able to loosen the reins a little bit by earning our trust.

SPEAKER_00 17:14

Do you have an example?

SPEAKER_01 17:14

Riding his bike, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:16

Riding his bike, like yeah, because in like you hear the stories of kids getting like kidnapped and stuff like that, or somebody hitting somebody on uh with their car that's on a bike, and you hear these horror stories, and I I do think we hear them more because technology is so prevalent that we hear stories we wouldn't have heard in the past, but we have to let like we live in a dangerous world, and to some extent we have to let them like go out, like we can't just put them in this protective bubble all the time. Yeah, so we do allow Carter to ride his bike like around. Now we he has a rule with that where he has to stay off of main roads, like he can cross a main road, but he can't just go down a main road because people are dumb texting and driving, texting and driving and paying attention. And yeah, so but we want him to do that because like we want him to be outside, right?

SPEAKER_01 18:04

And I did that when I was a kid, and it is a different world, and there are different precautions that we do need to take as parents.

SPEAKER_00 18:10

But I'd rather we'd rather we kind of came to the realization we'd rather them be outside doing something active rather than sitting on a screen.

SPEAKER_01 18:17

Yeah, yeah. And I think the what we're kind of the last thing I wanted to say with this is just how are we navigating this with conversations with

Explaining The Why To Kids

SPEAKER_01 18:26

our kids? Because one of the worst things as a kid is to feel like we have these rules, we have these bounds, they don't make sense to me, I don't like them, and this like because I said so kind of parenting. Yeah, I think kids need to respect authority. It says it in the word of God that you need to honor your father and mother, and so they need to know to respect authority, even if it doesn't make sense. Yeah, but as parents, we can earn that respect a little bit more when we explain our rationale of why our family does this differently.

SPEAKER_00 18:57

Yeah, even if they don't agree, even if they don't get it, hopefully at some point, and that's kind of why we wanted to know from some people that are maybe in their early 20s, is that at some point they hopefully look back and say, Oh, okay, now I get it. Now I know why you did this. Okay, and then maybe they do that with their kids because we explained it to them properly.

SPEAKER_01 19:17

Yeah. And so this feels a little bit like preaching to the choir because I know a lot of you out there are already having these exact conversations with kids, but some of you might be a couple of steps steps behind us with younger kids and are trying to figure out, like, yeah, how am I going to navigate that? Like, how am I gonna be a strict parent that my kids still love and respect and want to be around? Because ultimately, like you need to balance being strict and like having boundaries with also having being a fun family that your kids want to be around and their friends want to come. Right. At least that's like our intention because we want to have both of those things because we want to have kids at our house and we don't want them to be like that's the boring, dreadful house. So there's like other ways for us to have fun. We play games, we go on walks, we you do all different kinds of stuff. But go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 20:05

I was just gonna say, I think it it's the principle of it is applicable to everything, and it goes back to like take in the information, right? Like figure out what other parents are doing that you know, Christian parents, read parenting books, listen to the podcast, but at the end of the day, take it to Jesus, take it to Christ, and just say and ask yourself why. Like, if you have a really strict rule, like why do you have that rule? Like, question yourself and pray about it. And if you have a loose rule, like take that to Jesus and pray about it as well, and then do what you feel like you like God is wants you to do for those things, you know. It all comes as it's an outpouring again of your relationship with Christ. It's it's absolutely good. You don't want to be an idiot and not know what other people are doing or what and learn what other people have done. But at the end of the day, take all of that information and take it to Christ and go and and then see if it works and be open with your kids. Be okay saying, Hey, you know what? We screwed up. Maybe we gave you a little extra too much screen time on your phone. We need to dial it back a little bit. Or hey, we only gave you an hour of screen time on your phone and you seem to be doing really well with it. You're mature, like, okay, maybe let's try giving you a little more. Be flexible and be okay, like with it's like it's not set in stone. But I guess for anything, it could be the riding the bike thing.

SPEAKER_01 21:30

Yeah, yeah. And the bottom line is figuring out what works for you guys as a family, being humble enough to pivot when pivots need to happen, and then sharing why that pivot needed to happen, and just like having the words to your kids of like this is why we have chosen this rule. And when they push back and say, Well, the other kids, and you like this kid, and this kid's allowed to do it, and saying, I don't answer to that child, and I don't answer to that parent, I answer to God, and you're my child, and this is what works for our family, and this is why we're making this decision.

SPEAKER_00 22:05

I just told Carter the other day, I told him, I said, When I get to heaven, God's gonna hold me accountable for how I parented you, and so I need to do what I feel like from my relationship with him and reading the Bible, like how God wants me to parent you. I that's what I have to do because if I don't, then that's not gonna go well for me.

SPEAKER_01 22:24

Yeah, yeah. So this is it's hard. It's hard being a parent, but it's also and don't be afraid being weird.

SPEAKER_00 22:31

Yeah, I guess that is the other thing that we did. I mean, we kind of danced around it, but it don't be a like when you say when you tell your kids that that that you're accountable to God, don't feel the pressure from the outside, whether that is other Christians or the world. Like, if that's if you feel convicted that this is how God wants you to parent your kid with these in this way and these things, like it's okay. Don't don't care what other people think. Like, live how God called you to live, and then other people can feel however the heck they want to feel. Yeah, yeah, that's it.

SPEAKER_01 23:03

I think that's I mean, I think

You Are Not Alone Plus Community

SPEAKER_01 23:05

that's good. I mean, a lot of this episode I do think is preaching to the choir. And so I the purpose of it wasn't maybe to give you new tools or tips, but just to remind you that we're kind of all in the thick of it based on, I mean, we don't know exactly the people that are listening, but we can see some stats and ages and things like that and feedback from messages we get and people we talk to in real life, but we're kind of all in similar seasons of life. And one of the tactics of the enemy is for us to feel like I'm the only one walking through this. Like this is the only, like I only have this struggle with my teen. Like I am the strictest parent and I don't want my kid to resent me. And the bottom line is that's not true, right? And surrounding yourself with community, which we have an episode coming up on acts to and community with community of like-minded people and being vulnerable and sharing, like this is a struggle I'm having. Like, are you guys in the same boat? I would be like 98% of the time when we are walking through something that has to do with parenting, and we're like, this is just us, like nobody gets it. We share it, and people are like, Yeah, us too. We're walking through the exact same thing, right?

SPEAKER_00 24:24

Like, oh, we're not the only weird ones, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:26

So, yeah, anyway, that's that's what we got.

SPEAKER_00 24:29

That's that's it, that's all right there in a nice package.

SPEAKER_01 24:33

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know how I feel about this episode, but we'd love to hear from you guys. We have some more stuff in the works. I'm gonna have my grandma on soon, which I cannot wait. This is another one I've been talking talking to her for over a year about coming on. Uncensored, and I cannot wait to have her on. But in the meantime, we would love for you to share the show, review the show, screenshot it, and text it to a friend, send us a message by clicking the message thing in the show notes, and yeah.