EXT. FAETON MAIN STREET - NIGHT
Jim
'That must be the local? The local for locals. (pause.) Pub, tavern, inn, saloon. A bar'
Shonda
'I get it. '
'The Faeton Arms?'
'There's nothing here on Google Maps, and GPS says we are in the middle of Yorkshire, Surrey, Albuquerque, and off the coast of Singapore all at the same time.'
Jim
'Weird, but it looks warm and dry in there, so wherever we are, I would quite like to be in there, being warm and dry at least.'
'I can hear people having fun in there, and judging by the people we have met so far. We can ruin that for them, too.'
(Both Laugh)
Shonda
'Jim, before we go in there, I want
you to know that – no matter what
happens to us – it's your fault.'
Jim
'Hand on heart. I assume full responsibility for whatever is about to take place.'
'Hopefully, that will mainly involve eating warm, bland food and drinking copious amounts of warm, flavourless beer.'
Shonda
'You sell it so well. I am almost mildly excited to enter.'
Jim
'Shall we? Wait a minute, what does this plaque say?'
'The proprietor wishes you to know that magic and evil deeds will not go unpunished on these premises.'
'Also, all Trolls must be accompanied by a responsible Elven Magic user.'
'Must be a Dungeons and Dragons-themed bar. You know cosplay or something Live Action Roleplayerie'
Shonda
'Fantastic nerdy cosplayers don't kill strangers, do they? '
'Hmmm! You can be a 15th-level Cleric with that beard and tobacco pipe, and I can be... I don't know a 20th-level Ranger with my wet, muddy boots.'
INT. THE FAETON ARMS
The Professor
The pair walked into the bar through the double doors. The shock of their entry passed like a wave through the dark denizens of the Faeton arms.
I was sitting deep in conversation with Wil, a Werewolf... friend? Possibly a friend.
We both regarded the couple. I with worry, he with the hope that something amusingly horrible would happen to them.
Fenrir, the giant wolf soul lying by the fire, also sat up to take in the next few moments.
This was dangerous, really dangerous.
Something could happen.
A goblin farted in the silence, giggled, and was quickly and quietly beaten to death to shut him up.
Silence fell once more.
In this bar, we had the most dangerous paranormal wotsits on the planet.
I was sitting with probably the worst of them, but humans are so much more dangerous even than psychopathic Werewolves.
'Ah, I may need to... intervene.' I said to no one.
This place was supposed to be a safe space for such as those that supped here.
Wil
'This is Fae Establishment for Fae people. I don't think they are our kind.'
Professor
Wil trying to quote the League of Gentlemen?
If you have never been to the Faeton Arms. Which I assume you have not, unless you are a member of the Fae, then I will describe it for you.
It's pretty simple, a medieval tavern with a modern sound system that caters for the owner's love of Karaoke.
He is a retired Djinn, ... erm Genie. His name is Bosworth, and he has been around for more centuries than should ever have been lived. Lived? Did he live?
Silence still hangs over the bar.
The crackling of the fire and the disgusting squelching sound of a Gremlin rotating a finger in a nostril are all that can be heard.
Someone... Sorry... Something drops a spoon.
Strangely, a loud sound in this moment, and fairy Daisy gasps at the creatures at the door. It took her a while to notice them. She had been drinking heavily since lunch.
All eyes in the bar turned to stare at the pair as they entered.
Typically, in reality, the number of eyes is roughly double the number of people.
In this bar, there were a lot more eyes than double the number of... entities?
Mainly due to Gareth the... Gareth... the... What the hell was Gareth?
Well, whatever it was, it alone had over a hundred eyes on and in its head. Most of them were his own as well. Interesting character. Not difficult to see coming.
I take my interest back to the pair.
Interesting.
The first was a grey-haired, older man with a Camo cap who smiled widely as he looked around the bar. Hmm!
Already strange behaviour.
His glee at what he saw was utterly obvious.
Oh dear, glee, not a commonly seen emotion when beset by the denizens of the Faeton arms. Hmmm!
The second... person? A woman wearing a nice woolly beanie over her curls and sporting funky spectacles turned from closing the door of the pub and covered her mouth in shock as she took it all in.
Ah... this time proper behaviour at the sight before her. A terrified scream was about to erupt?
Here we go. Any minute. Wait for it... Wait... for... it?
(Pause)
Hmmm!
No, no, she slowly removes the hand and... oh, she is excited by what she sees. Phew,
but... Oh. Oh no. Excited?
Excitement? Glee? What the...
Oh no... No please. They're not just humans.
No, it's much worse than that, they... they're...
Tourists!
Jim
'Hey, you guys look amazing, and this place is outstanding.'
Professor
The man turned in a circle, arms wide, absorbing the pub's erm... ambience.
Never thought this place had an ambience before, just excessive erm... thingyness. I follow where his gaze falls. His eyes have definitely not fallen on anything like ambience.
I cringe a little at what I see, closing my eyes and returning them to the man. No, no ambience in here.
Then something stirs a note of alarm in my brain. There is an itch in it that suggests something is out of sync.
Oh no. Oh no. The man's accent.
Oh, good God on high, no.
Not here.
Not now
Oh no... not just humans!
No, something far worse than humans.
Tourists, and... and...
AMERICAN.
(Crescendo sound effect from Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.)
That accent and the overwhelming enthusiasm.
They have to be...
I look at Bosworth, the owner, as he stands invisibly in a glowing pink neon robe.
Remember, he is a Djinn... Genie thingy.
The robes are empty, but somehow he gives me a worried look.
I must spend far too much time in this place to recognise the emotions crossing an invisible face, but I so do recognise worry on this one.
I whisper across to him in the silence.
'How on Earth did they get in here, Bosworth? I thought you had magical wards against... Humans never mind tourists.'
He shrugs his invisible shoulders.
Shonda
'Hey, this is amazing and look at you all. Incredible'
Professor
Her... the only way to say it is using that dam word, glee, is genuine.
I see Gizzardplunge the hideous. Not his full name, but the rest of it does not improve the description of him.
I see him, a scrofulitic Ogre of putrescence, actually, preen his... I think that was hair. Difficult to tell.
How?
Oh, it's happening.
The enthusiasm glamour is getting to the Fae in here. The tourist glamour is working perverse magic on all.
Shonda
'Wow.'
Professor
She says, wiping her glasses to clear the condensation and the last of the drizzle off them.
She then starts to take off her gloves and jacket. One of the goblins starts to look excited and tries to wolf-whistle.
Thank goodness he can't manage it, as he tries to stare at his soundless lips with a face of accusation.
We have had strippers in here, but not for the stripping, God no, for take-away delivery meals. The stripper always being the main dish.
And you know what Goblins are like. Horrible, grubby little creatures. They only have one thing on their mind. That being total and utter stupidity.
The lady... Yes, definitely a lady, not a stripper, after just removing her jacket, is now judiciously looking around the room, checking everything out meticulously.
She actually has a lovely, warm smile and a kind look...
No, Simon. Fight it. That's how they get you.
Don't fall for the friendly smile... It's like a vampire glamour. You'll be telling them about your family tree if you don't do anything to prevent it, and yours stops in the twelfth century.
She points at the candelabra in the centre of the room. A candleabra that is not attached in any way to the ceiling.
It simply floats, emitting a warm, green glow.
She walks closer to it in order to observe it properly. A look of confusion flashes across her face.
Sadly, she asks the nearest thing to her a question.
Shonda
'How does that work?'
Professor
Sadly, because the nearest thing to her is an Orc.
Eight feet of psychotic savage muscle, armoured with rusted steel and leather of unknown source.
Well, looking at the leather, let's just say we have a good idea of where the... erm skin has come from, but no one really wants to know.
The human should be terrified.
She should be... I mean, the way the Orc stinks alone should kill her. A sweaty Orc is more vile than... than... mustard gas. That's why we have to sit them far from the fire and far from us.
The Orc is stunned by the woman speaking to him. His mouth hangs open, displaying broken teeth and expelling a new level of halitosis to the world.
We can't say the Orc is confused. I think that is their constant state. But a human woman should be running and screaming at this point. Not smiling at him and waiting for his reply with a warm, pleasant smile and genuine interest.
This is new for him and different from what he's used to.
(pause)
For some reason, he does not want to bash her with his mace and skin her. There I said it, didn't I? Can't take back that his leather armour is people leather.
It's that bally tourist glamour.
Orc
'Er... It's magic in it.'
Professor
Says the monster with a voice like rocks falling down a slope.
I didn't know if this was going to go well or badly in that moment. It was on a knife's edge of...
The woman standing at eye level with the sitting Orc. Removed her beanie, carefully folded it, and placed it inside her jacket as she listened and nodded. And then. And then.
Before straightening her glasses and pushing them back up her nose, she smiled at the confused creature and patted it on its huge shoulder.
Shonda
'Sure it is. I suppose you have to keep pretending, huh? Makes all this cosplaying. Or is it larping? More fun.'
Professor
She said.
There was a sharp intake of air from all the creatures around the room.
The Orc did nothing.
Her interest turned to the horrific weapon in front of her. The Orc's mace. This crudely made weapon was bigger than her body and sat on the table.
She tried to lift it. I closed my eyes to shield my mind from how the Orc would respond to this. It would be a short scream.
I'm ready... it was too late for me to get involved. It was over.
Nothing, no sounds.
Now, carefully peering out of the corner of my eye. To try to make the resulting mess easier to cope with. I saw...
She was fine and whole.
Surprising.
Normally, it was seen as a great insult to have your weapon touched by anyone other than its owner in the Orc world. Such a thing would always end in a fight to the death. Not a duel, a brutal and bloody fight.
The touristy glamour was working. Who knew it had this level of power?
Basically, the tourist glamour works because tourists have a lack of belief that anything horrible can ever happen when they are on vacation, as they say.
They have insurance and that is for illness and bag loss, so they can go to any part of the... erm worlds? Erm, dimensions and those two outcomes are the worst things that can happen.
Nothing awful can happen like death, violence or... their souls being sucked into the abyss or consumed by demons while away.
As we know, if you have unswerving faith in something. That has a lot of power.
And that is how the Tourist glamour works.
They believe so strongly that they cannot be disliked by the er... Locals, let's call them that, they stay safe just because of sheer faith.
That faith and that glamour were going to be tested to their limits tonight.
Shonda
'Golly, I thought these were really light,'
Professor
She said as she tried to use everything she had to lift the giant weapon.
The Orc helpfully reached over her and lifted it as if it were nothing, between thumb and finger.
Orc
'Nah this un int eavy. This un is my baby un. in it.'
Professor
He told her.
Shonda
'I thought they were made out of polystyrene? So you didn't hurt each other.'
Professor
The Orc looked all sorts of extra confused. He paused while he engaged both his brain cells.
Orc
'Nah... this one hurts proper good.'
Professor
He said as he raised the weapon above his head, looking like he had the intention to swing it through her.
An intention which would have instantly turned her into patè. Not the course variety either.
Orc
'I'll show you if ya want, Mrs.'
Professor
He said in what for him was a nice... erm tone, as she looked innocently at the giant mace held high above her head.
I stood and spoke. The room's clientele relaxed somewhere between disappointment and relief at the outcome.
'Erm, Crotch Rot, dear chap.' The Orc's head turned towards me.
Orc
'Wot is it?'
Professor
'Erm, please don't'
Orc
'Alright, Prof.'
Professor
Was his reply as he put the mace back on the table with a colossal thud felt through the whole room's floor.
Jim
'Shonda, Shonda... Come and look at this guy's costume. It's incredible. This mask!'
Professor
I closed my eyes once again with a sigh before turning towards the source of the voice with fear at what I would see when I opened them.
I pivoted slowly and prepared to dare to open them. I found him.
I found the man, trying...
He was trying... to pull the face... off a Minotaur.
My heart sank. 'No..!' I said a little more loudly than I should.
Wil
'Oh, this will be good.'
Professor
Said Wil, sitting up to pay attention at the table I had just left.
Fenrir giggled in my mind.
This was a problem. A big problem, literally.
This was not just a Minotaur.
I mean, any Minotaur would have been bad enough to annoy, but this...
No, this was thee Minotaur.
This was Slothgut Throatripper. The Chief of the Minotaur clan, 'The sludge 'ammers.'
He made the Orc Crotch Rot look cute and cuddly.
He was over twelve feet of... of... Well, an easy description of him would be a... bullman.
Over two tonnes of testosterone-fueled bull creature.
I grabbed the lady by the arm before bundling her over unceremoniously towards the death by Minotaur that was about to happen.
'Erm... erm sir... Could I just have a chat with you?' I had a wheedling, pleading tone to my voice.
Wil
'About our lord Jesus Christ?'
Professor
Wil said. I gave him a bitter look that said that the last thing he was was funny.
Jim
'Sure mate.'
Professor
He said, turning his back on the about-to-be-enraged Minotaur and presenting his arm and hand for me to shake.
Thankfully, Minotaurs are not the quickest of thinkers. They are slow, probably due to their immense size and the time that it takes their nervous system to kick in.
I grabbed the man's hand and pulled him towards me, away from the Minotaur, which was busily turning its head left and right, trying to fix both its mad eyes on the creature before him. A creature that had just been pulling on the steering wheel-sized ring that pierced its nose.
I shook the smiling man's hand, and thankfully, Fliss, the Beautiful Bar elf, stepped in front of the Slothgut, her presence enough to calm any red-blooded male of any species down. I mouthed my thanks as I took them back to my table.
'Would you join us?' I asked the... yeesh, tourists.
Wil
'Do they have to?'
Professor
Wil asked. The pair were behind me, so I gave him a look that I hoped would dispel this rudeness.
I turned to the pair with an apologetic air.
'He's joking... Northern English wit is a little harsh at times.' I told them. As I heard Wil laugh.
'Please sit down.'
Wil
'Yes, please do...'
Professor
Said Wil with the poshest, most sarcastic tone he could manage. I kicked him in the shins below the table.
Jim
'Sure mate.'
Professor
The man said as he took a seat, the woman sitting in the chair next to him smiling.
Shonda
'Hi, I'm Shonda, and this is Jim.'
Professor
She told us as she made the introductions. I returned the introductions for both of us.
Jim turned towards Wil.
Jim
'You like jokes then, Wil.'
Professor
He asked.
Wil looked at me. I nodded at him.
Wil
'Apparently so.'
Professor
He replied before emptying his glass.
'Fliss,' I called. 'Four pints of your finest ale.' She nodded.
I returned to the conversation at hand.
Shonda
'Thank you most kindly. For your hospitality'
Professor
No problem I told her, trying to hide the fact that if they drank anything else that was offered here but the ale, then they would die instantly.
Shonda
'Do they have any hot soup?'
Professor
No. I am afraid not.
Shonda
'But it says right there on the sign' Vegan soup available. I like vegan food.'
Professor
I did not have the heart to tell her it was made from vegans. Apparently, they have a distinct taste. I would not know. I have never tried it.
Wil
'I highly recommend it. Get a nice big bowl, strange how they make vegans taste of bacon.'
Professor
He said, meeting my eyes to see how I was going to deal with what he had said.
Shonda
'Must be Tofu.'
Professor
'Sorry, they have finished doing food', I told her.
The room returned to as normal... as it gets.
Everyone and thing resumed what they were doing: talking, drinking, playing chess, and being tortured by darts.
I breathed easier.
Jim
'Nice looking group. What's that thing on the wall?'
Professor
He asked as he pointed at the pentangle painted on the wall in blood.
Jim
Is it part of the game? With the candles and all?
Wil
'Game?'
Professor
He snorted.
Shonda
It's a five-pointed star.
Jim
Maybe the owners are from Texas.
Professor
He laughed
Shonda
Remember the Alamo?
Wil
'I beg your pardon?'
Professor
'I remember The Alamo. I
saw it once in London, in Leicester
Square.'
Wil
'You did?'
Professor,
'I mean, in the film. I saw it in the cinema, with the Duke John Wayne.'
Jim
'Oh, yes, of course. Right, with Laurence Harvey, and
everybody died in it. It was very bloody.'
Wil
'Bloody awful if you ask me!'
Professor
Said Wil, trying to disengage from the conversation.
Jim
You like jokes, huh, Wil? Have you guys heard the one about the crashing plane?
Shonda
No, but we're about to.
Professor
She said, giving a good-humoured laugh.
Jim
Come on, let me tell it, Shonda, it's funny.
Shonda
(sarcasm)
Okay, okay!
Jim
Okay then am not gonna now.
Professor
He pretended to be hurt. The man was being playful.
Shonda
Oh, come on, tell us.
Jim
'No, you had the chance of my great joke..
Shonda
'Oh, come on... please."
Wil
'Yeah, please.'
Professor
Added Wil with his usual uncaring tone, which thankfully Jim ignored or did not notice.
Jim
'Oh, all right. There was this
aeroplane over the Atlantic on its
way to New York. It was full of
men from the United Nations.'
Shonda
'That's very funny, that is.'
Jim
'Hey now, let me finish!'
'So halfway over the ocean, the engines
run low on fuel, so they have to
lighten the plane. So they heave
out all the baggage, but it's still
too heavy. So they chuck out the
seats, but it's still too heavy!
Finally, this French guy steps up and
shouts "Vive la France" and leaps
out. Then an Englishman....'
Wil
'Hear! Hear!'
Jim
'...steps up and shouts, 'God save
The King!' and jumps out.
But the plane is still too heavy.
So the American delegate from Texas
steps up, shouts, 'Remember the
Alamo!' and chucks out the Mexican.'
Professor.
We laughed. We few, we happy few, we band of new acquaintances, for here today that joke we understood.
Sadly, there was a tumbleweed level of silence from the creatures in the bar.
Wil
'That was actually very funny. But the bar does not get the reference. They don't know much history after the 16th century.'
Professor
'Allow me to suggest an alternative punchline, if I may.'
I swept to my feet, the practised orator, and addressed the room.
'AHEM...'
'...The Englishman stands up and yells, REMEMBER AGINCOURT… and chucks out the Frenchie!'
(Uproarious laughter from everyone).
Jim
'I don't get it. The Frenchman was already out of the plane.'
Professor
'It's just a matter of cultural context, and anything here criticising the French is appreciated. It doesn't have to make sense. I don't understand it myself, lovely people, the French.
Wil
'They taste awful. All Garlicy and slimy.
Professor
Said Wil with a face of disgust.
'Yes, very witty, Wil.' I said to him before I returned to speaking to Jim and Shonda.
'Sadly, here you have to know your audience.' I told Jim while I smiled at him, hoping he would never get to know the audience.
Thank goodness, at that point, the distracting advances of Fliss arrived with the drinks. She always distracted Wil, but he still managed...
Wil
'But we will remember the Alamo, Jim!'
Jim
(spits out his first drink of beer with the laughter at Wil's joke. Complete hilarity.)
Professor
Will leaned in conspirationally to the group to offer his glass up for cheers and clinks before asking.
Wil
'But just for context, Jim. If we are going to remember the Alamo, is that the little red whiny bloke off Sesame Street?'
(More laughter, the whole pub.)
Professor
The creatures in the pub are great fans of Sesame Street. They can identify with all the... monsters.
Jim (Gasping for breath.)
'Please stop. Please stop. You got me nearly crying, man.'
(Pause as all recover)
Shonda
'Excuse me, but seriously. What's that star on the wall for?'
(Audiences' laughter stops literally dead.)
Wil
'Not a good question to ask.'
Professor
He said as he quickly sat back in his seat.
He was right. The atmosphere in the bar changed.
Shonda
'I'm sorry.'
Bosworth
'It's not a question you should ask.'
Professor
His tone was biligerent.
Jim. (noticing the atmosphere change.)
'Shonda, we'd better go.'
Shonda
'What do you mean? I'm starving.'
Bosworth
'It's not a question you should ask. But you know where the door is, and I suggest you use it. There's nothing for you here.'
Professor
Bozzy said.
Jim (Gets the feeling in the room.)
'Come on, Shonda, shall we go?!!'
Shonda
'Apparently so.'
Professor
'You don't have to go. They are just a bit touchy about the magical wards on this place.'
'You can't let them go.' I told the denizens around the room.
Jim
(worried)
'Magical wards?'
'Sure.'
'How much do we owe you?'
Professor
'I am utterly sorry about this old chap, Madam. I will cover the costs. I am sorry. God be with you. The weather is awful.'
Jim
'Uh, thank you.'
Professor (to the room)
'Wait. You just can't let them go!'
Bozzy
'Go!'
Wil
'And stay on the road. Keep clear of the moors.'
Professor
Wil said in his most Yorkshire accent. Taking the piss out of that fine Werewolf Films dialogue.
Jim (confused but worried)
'Yes, well, thanks again.'
Professor
Jim said as he gathered his stuff and helped Shonda with hers.
Wil
'Beware the moon!'
Profesor
Smirked Wil as he raised his glass to them.
I felt guilty that the pair left into the horrible night, but it was probably for the best. Was'nt it. Probably...?
EXT. THE SLAUGHTERED LAMB - NIGHT
Shonda
'It is very cold.'
Jim
'What the hell was that all about?'
Shonda
'I don't know. Let's see if there's
another inn or something up the road.'
Jim
'Beware the moon?'
Shonda
'Come on, I'm freezing.'
INT FAETON ARMS
Professor
'We can't let them go.' I said to Wil, who already looked as though he had forgotten the whole thing had happened. I had not realised that Bosworth the Djinn was listening.
Bosworth
'Should the world know our business?!'
Professor
He asked me. He had a point. We did not need the human race to know about this place.
Wil
'It's a bit rough though.'
Professor
He pointed out.
Bosworth
'Better for them to have a harsh night in the cold than to die at the hands of those.'
Professor
He made a gesture to the creatures of the bar.
EXT. A ROAD ON THE MOORS - NIGHT -
Shonda
'That was weird.'
'It was the best idea.'
'I guess. Leaving.'
Jim
'I don't know.'
'Now that we're out here and it's three degrees, I'm not so sure I wouldn't rather face a bloodthirsty mob of cosplayers.'
Shonda
'Well, not quite a bloodthirsty mob.'
Professor
She said as she pulled down her beanie against the cold.
Shonda
'Let's up the pace to get warm.'
Jim
'What do you think was wrong?'
Shonda
'I have no idea. Maybe we were spoiling the game or something.'
Professor
She replied.
Jim (laughing)
'Maybe that pentangle was for
something supernatural.'
Shonda (laughing)
'I see, and they were too embarrassed
to talk about it, because they felt so silly dressed like they were.'
Professor
She replied as a bolt of lightning rent the air, followed by a roll of thunder.
Jim
'Jeez Louise... Please don't rain'
Professor
Said Jim. As they were hit by a sudden deluge.
Shonda
'Say, Jim....'
Jim
'I'm well aware of how pleasant the weather is in Rome at the present time, thank you. Let's not say any more.'
Professor
Jim replied as he spread his arms and started singing
(Jim joined by Shonda, as in the scene from American Werewolf in London on the moors.)
Santa Lucia...Santa Lucia. (Repeated 4 times)
INT FAETON ARMS
Professor
Back at the Faeton Arms, the atmosphere was a little quiet and subdued as we all listened to the rain beat against the windows.
Wil
'I'm bloody glad I'm not out there.'
Professor
He smirked.
I slammed my hand onto the table. I was bloody annoyed.
Wil
'Oh... What's the matter? No one brought them here! Wanted them here! No one.'
Professor
He said in a derisive tone.
'Bozzy old chap. We could have let them stay, it's horrendous out there now.' I said to the Genie.
He turned to me as I imagined a thoughtful look on that invisible face.
'We should not have pushed them out into that night.' I told the room in general that were all listening to the conversation between myself and the retired Djinn Landlord.
'What are we? Monsters?'
Wil met my eyes with his glass at his lips and nodded.
'Oh...'
Wil
'What do you care? They aren't like us. They should not have got in here. Forget them. You're being daft?'
Professor
He said, but I was not going to accept his nonsense.
'Listen!'
The thunder tore through the sky, and the building actually rocked. This was no ordinary storm; this was a storm in Faeton, as magical and brutal as the pub's clientele.
'Did you hear that for goodness sake, people...
'...things?'
'We must go to...' Wil interrupted.
Wil
'I heard nothing.'
Professor
He laughed as he took another drink from his pint.
I stared at him, quite disgusted.
'Well, I think you're all a bunch of utter blaggards.' I told the crowd.
'I'm going to get them and bring them back.' I said as I put on my jacket and made for the door.
I could sense the tenseness in the room.
Bosworth
'They will be a fair way off be now, and you can't track them in't dark and in this weather. You would need to be able to have the senses... of maybe a wolf to find em in this.'
Professor
He said as he turned to Wil.
All the eyes in the room turned to Wil, who was downing the last of his drink and trying to ignore the stares as he did so. Stares, silent stares. Stares which attacked him.
Wil
'I do not bow to peer pressure.' He said.
Silent stares were the only answer.
He slammed his empty glass on the table.
'Oh, for the love of... I'll go... I'll go. I get the flipping hint. If I catch a cold because my fur is wet, I will be really unpleasant to all of you.'
Professor
He said.
And then to himself.
Wil
'Be a werewolf, they tell you. Psychotic sociopathic fanged pscytzoid. Oh no, turns out that you bow to bloody peer pressure after all.'
Professor
He mumbled on as he removed and carefully folded his clothing before transforming into the gigantic black Wolfman and striding towards the door, whilst giving me a disgusted sneer.
I smirked at him.
'Thank you...' I cooed.
He snarled and gave me a single clawed salute before he stormed out into the raging storm.
EXT. ROADSIDE ON THE MOORS - NIGHT
(werewolf howl in the background.)
Jim
'Did you hear that?'
Professor.
He asked Shonda. They had been walking for a while now and were out of sight of the village of Faeton.
Shonda
'I heard it, yes. I don't want to hear it again, though.'
Jim
'Have you any idea what it is?'
Professor
He asked the woman, expressing concern. Shonda's face a picture of anxiety, so he caught up to her to make them both feel a little safer. It did not work.
Shonda
'It... It could be a lot of things. Couldn't it?'
Professor
She asked in hope because she knew what it sounded like. She had heard that sound before, one summer evening in Yellowstone National Park.
Jim
'Yeah, it could be a lot of things.'
Professor
He lied, trying to reassure himself as much as the woman.
Shonda
'Perhaps a Coyote.'
Professor
She said.
Jim
'I really don't think there are any coyotes in England.'
Professor
He replied.
Shonda
'The Hound of the Baskervilles.'
Jim
'Pecos Bill.'
Shonda
'Heathcliffe.'
Jim
'I don't recall Heathcliffe howling.'
Shonda
'No, but he was on the moors.'
Jim
'It's a full moon, 'beware the
moon'.'
Professor
He quoted as he looked up at the bright, white face of the full moon, which briefly shone through the raging clouds.
Jim
'Stay away from the Moors.'
Professor.
They stopped and considered.
Shonda
'I vote we go back to The Faeton Arms.'
Professor
She said as another howl a little closer rent the night.
Jim
'It is a very inhuman...'
'Yeah, I agree... to the pub.'
Professor
His tone was forthright, and they both started to walk a lot faster back in the direction that they had just come from.
After a while of speed walking and a lot more howls, each howl getting slightly closer. Jim stopped, somewhat out of breath.
Jim
'Shonda. I hate to say it, but I think. We're lost.'
Professor
He said, just as another blood-curdling howl was heard now behind them.
Shonda
'Jim, what is that?'
Professor
You could clearly hear the tone of fear in her voice now.
Jim
'I don't know. Come on.'
Shonda
'Come on, where? We're lost.'
Jim
'Anywhere! but here. Let's keep moving. I think we should just...'
Professor
Jim said as a growl was heard close. A low, guttural sound from out of the darkness.
The pair was silent now as they heard something. Not a human walking towards them. Whatever it was was big.
Wil
In my mind, I fought with Fen and myself. I wanted to kill them, but that would be held against me in the bar.
Why was I allowed no fun?
But I did not want to get barred from the Faeton Arms. Best Malt selection in all the worlds.
Having Bosworth there was both a blessing and a problem; not only could he source any drink you ever wanted from any time period, but he also knew a lie when he heard it. Bloody Genies.
Hmm! So saying that they were dead when I found them would not go down well.
Fen, my wolf soul was angry.
Fen
'Nah, kill them. It's the logical thing to do, then say that you couldn't find em.'
Wil
He said.
'I can't. Bozzy has truth seeker skills.' I told him.
Fen
'It is a nice pub. Cheap and no bother. Okay, but we can scare them a little, can't we?'
Wil.
I thought about this.
'It would be rude not to.'
Jim
'It's stopped just there. I can't see it properly, but it's just stood there now. It's doing something.'
(Snarling sound effect)
Shonda
'I really do not like this. I can hear it now, just breathing.'
Professor
She said as both their gazes strained to see the figure in the night. The fear poured off the pair.
The shadow walked slowly towards them in the moonlight.
It was revealed.
Eight feet tall. Matt black dripping pelt. Teeth claws. A raging snarl. A Werewolf.
The woman and the man were struck dumb. This was it; they were going to die.
Fear upgraded itself to terror. It hit them like a wave.
They were frozen not just by the intemperate weather but by those fire-filled eyes that stared deep into them.
Jim
'Well, Shonda. This is it. Was nice knowing you. You were right, we should have gone to Rome.
Professor
He told the shaking woman moving to hold her hand for mutual support.
And then the werewolf was a man.
A naked man. An instant change. The man was laughing at the two of them.
Wil
'Look, I've been sent to bring you back to the bloody pub.'
Professor
He told the pair, showing his obvious amusement.
Wil
'Don't ask me any questions about why; otherwise, I will just leave you here.'
Professor
He said, just turning his back and walking away from the pair into the night.
Jim.
'Naked?'
Professor
He whispered to Shonda behind the back of his hand.
Shonda looked at him in obvious disbelief.
Shonda
(flabbergasted)
'The naked part is the bit that worries you in this? Really?'
Professor.
She replied quietly as they followed the man.
Jim
'Hey Wil...'
Professor
He shouted as the man started to disappear into the distance.
Wil
'What?'
Professor
Jim and Shonda caught up as he turned around and stared at Jim with utter exasperation.
Jim
'You think that the pub will do me bangers and mash, mate.'
Professor
He laughed.
Fen
'Now we have to kill him, don't we?'
Professor
He said to Wil.
Wil stood in silence, looking at the man. A big decision was being taken in his head. Every fibre of his being wanted to kill, tear, and torture. In his mind's eye, he did it a hundred various ways, each time it being more grotesque and more satisfying.
Eventually, he made the decision as the rain lashed down once more onto his naked body, cooling the rage that he felt a little.
He swiftly turned
Wil
'Come on.'
Professor
He said like a huffy teen.
Jim
'I'll take that as a maybe?'
Wil
'Sigh'