Werewolf the Podcast: Guerilla Werefore (Episode 208)

Well, what can we say the Werecat is going to war with Foxglove, our slightly crazy... No, really crazy... No, completely crazy, psychopathic Fairy. The Professor, Wil and co have been played by the Fairy. She has distracted them so that they don't realise what it is that she really wants. 

She wants the Holy Grail, and as our 12th Century Knight, now Professor, has already drunk from the Grail, then she has guessed that it is at the Professor's home. She searches while the Werecat tries to stop them.  If Foxglove drinks from the Grail, she will become a God. A real God. Can the team stop her from becoming such a powerful creature? We will see.

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Transcript

Vaughnt

I vaulted Vaughnt like through the front door head first, the door slammed open to announce my return. I had arrived home. I surveyed the room as I twisted through the room and landed on my feet in the hallway. I would land on my feet. I am a cat. 

Flittering things surrounded me in the air. There were lots of them. They were fairies. Lots of flittering fairies. This was a kind of heaven for me. Can you imagine this scene for one such as me? After all, I am a cat. 

I instantly smashed two of the little flying green women out of the air with now what were paws. I landed on them as they fell, crushing them into the marble with wet, crunchy noises.

Oh, this was greeeeaaaaaaat, as my hero Tony the Tiger used to say. I wonder what happened to Tony? Not seen Frosties for a while. No, stay on focus Vaughnt. You have some fairies to batter.

I checked the fairies beneath my feet for signs of life. One was a puddle and a bit yucky. The other one was stuck to the floor, her rib cage crushed and holding her down with her own sticky internal bits. She was trying to drag herself away from me but slowly pulled herself apart in a spurt of bloody liquid. Then she died. It's a boring dead thing now. 

But the others still fluttered and struggled to get away from me. Not boring. This was a little creature armageddon about to take place with me as the playful but vindictive God doing it. 

I launched myself into the... Flock? Is it a flock of fairies? Hmmm! I could just google that. Where's my phone? 

Nope, need to maintain task. 

I launched my way into the flock; I batted at several of the flying little women as I passed through the... perhaps shoal would be appropriate for a group of fairies... hmm!

Three of the batted went flying out of the floating crowd like pretty fast-flying green shuttlecocks. They impacted at the end of their comet-like trails in a variety of ways and to a variety of outcomes for the Fairy.

One was fired into the red velvet chaise longues in the corner of the hall from which she bounced like a little green squash ball, recovering the control of her flight and returning to the throng... yeah throng sounds much better than a flock or shoal for fairies. 

A throng of Fairies. Yes, I wonder what the Professor thinks. He's the expert in this area. He should know what a group of fairies is. 

The other two fairies came to... good... grief as they impacted like meteors. The first became somewhat of a permanent smear on the door to the study. It took some cleaning to get it off, I tell you. Cillit bang does not remove fairy smears.

The other little lady anti miraculously ended up in the Professors umberella stand. For every miracle, there has to be an anti-miracle, and this was one of those for that Fairy. 

You would think an umbrella stand would be an okay place for a small thing to land. You would think that it would be unlikely to get damaged by umbrellas. Well, in that case, you would have been right. 

Sadly, this was no normal umbrella stand. This one was owned by my slightly psychotic Simon. It held a range of northern African tribal spears. All of which had very sharp and very pointy bits. I had been taken through the range of spears it held once or twice by the Prof; I had pretended I was interested, it made him happy. 

The Fairy had decided to skewer herself on the Maasai Asseagai, which was actually my favourite sharp pointy bit of the set. In fact, she was so well-skewered that I don't think I could have done such a good job if I had tried it on purpose.

I went to her as she wiggled and riggled on the spear. She was trying to fly from it with damaged wings as she struggled. Things just got bloodier and worse for her. It was a miracle that she was still alive. Or maybe not. She was not happy. 

She had been kebabed through the lower spine from back to front. That looked so painful, and she was racked with agony. I smiled at her as she momentarily relaxed, looking at me with desperation and hope. Was I going to help her? Yes, it seemed that way.

I nodded to reassure her in a comforting manner, reached towards the pinned creature, and flicked her feet. 

She screamed again in thrilling pain and started to spin around the protruding spike in an anti-clockwise direction. I got three good rotations before she went limp. Once floppy, she stopped the pretty spin. Boring. 

But that was okay. There were so many more flying small things to play with. 

I batted another Fairy out of the air and to the ground. She recovered quickly, picking herself up and preparing to take off again. I caught her in my grip and lifted her to my face to look at her properly. 

They were very pretty They were very pretty. I smiled as it struggled, my paw gripping it solid so that its arms were pinned to its sides. It could only struggle, and I held it tight until it relaxed. It had gone floppy in my grasp, its eyes closed and ready for me to... I don't know what it was ready for me to do, but it had just given up all its hope. 

Once it had accepted its fate, I blew on it gently. It moved and slowly opened its eyes to look at me. I opened my hand to have it lie across my open palm. It looked at me confused and slowly got to its feet, constantly looking at me. She must have thought that I was going to grab her at any moment, but I didn't. 

The funny little thing eventually seemed to relax and she curtsied and gave her thanks as she took off from my hand. 

This was fun. I let her get a foot or two in the air, then recaptured her in my taloned claw and bit her in two. It was a delicious crunch as my teeth sliced through her body like material shears. 

I had split her vertically in half or as close as I could to two halves. I felt her rip as I tugged her away from my mouth with a forceful pull. I heard the shrill scream of her death. What fun.

What? Don't be disgusted. That's what we do. You will be getting bored of this line. I am a cat. It's what we do. This was a cat's job, and a cat was going to do it. 

I paused to enjoy my crunchy meal as I now considered the dead catch in my hand. I shook it a little to see if it still had any life. Sadly, it didn't, but I have to tell you it tasted good. Well, it tasted like chicken. 

I know, I know that old descriptor. I know when you taste some kind of new meat, you tend to say it tastes like chicken, but this fairy flesh did. I don't know what I expected it to taste like, but chicken was not it. I think this would have been a taste sensation lightly grilled with a bit of lemon.

Bringing the rest of the dead Fairy up to my face for another bite, I turned, and there she was. 

Foxglove

'What the fuck now!' I yelled as squealing flying things shot behind me and cowered. Something else had come through the door behind the freaking Fairy flock. 

The thing was so fast it was hard to see, but there was no fooling moi. I had my big girl pants on and was the equal to anything that could come at me. So come at me!

It stopped, or should I say paused, and I could make out what the flashing shadow actually was. Yes, in this case, it pawsed... Get it... Well, you should. Pawsed. Pawsed because it was a human cat. 

Its mouth was bloody, and Fairy Daisy was in its left claw paw. Well, half a fairy Dasiy was in its paw claw thing. Some of Daisy hung from its smiling munching maw. I could hear the crunching of the meal it was evidently enjoying. 

The Werecat stood unafraid, watching me with those strange golden eyes while she masticated Daisy. Masticated, you filthy bastards. Masticated means chewed.

It was... uncomfortable to watch. The chewing. It was even more uncomfortable to listen to in the now silent room. Silent apart from the munching and cracking of that horrific snack and the silent loudness of the creature's smile. 

It pawsed again, looked deeper into my eyes as though it could look into my soul through my eyes, and swallowed its mouthful. I shook my head and broke the head-on collision of stares. 

When I refocused on... it. It took the other paw with Fairy Fuscia squirming and screaming in it to its tooth-bedecked mouth and paused with its paw again near its now opened jaws while holding my eye. Why was it not... biting? Oh, I see this was supposed to upset me. Funny creature. 

She, the creature, she was definitely a she, was locking eyes with me to make sure that I could see her commit the murder that she would be undertaking. She wanted it to be a very obvious thing—a gross act of violence committed against Fuscia. 

The poor animal must have thought that this would affect me in some negative way. That I would get angry or upset. That I would do... something. That I might give a fuck about Fuscia.

Maybe the Werecat thought that I would help the Fairy. Why would I do that? Fuscia had been stupid enough to get caught. It was not my problem, was it? And violence. Unfounded violence, well, it turns me on, to be honest.

'Plenty more of them sister!' I told the smiling cat thing as she threatened to bite the Fairy in her claw.

'Fuck you, Fuscia.' I shouted at the crying flower fairy. 

I saw a moment of disquiet in the almond eyes of the feline femme fatale. She was confused by my statement. 

Vaughnt

That smile was terrifying. Foxglove was very fucked in the head. She was a wrong un. A Simon would say.

I held the Fairy daintily at my mouth as it struggled and pleaded for its life.

Strangely, the Fairy was not asking me for mercy. That weirded me out. The Fairy was not begging me. It was begging the Purple-haired Fairy. 

'Help me, Foxglove. Help me. Please don't let it eat me Foxglove. Please.'

Ah, this may mean that I am in deep shit. The Fairy, even after seeing me disembowel, kill and half-eat other members of the Fairy... school? No, school can't be right for a group of fairies. They don't look like whales? Cloud of Fairies, maybe. 

Well, after me doing some rather nasty stuff to her sisters, that the captured Fairy was still more terrified of Foxglove than me. Hmm! Maybe I was in deep do-do.

'Go on kitty. Eat the little bitty shitty Fairy wary. I hope she gives you a bad tum-tum and the shits.' Foxglove said laughingly.

Hmm! Psycho! We cats admire that. 

The boss Fairy turned and stared at the other fairies who joined in with the laughter as if forced. Maybe they were. They were terrified of her.

I watched them for a moment. This was... surprising, and maybe I should get out of here. It really was disquieting. 

The Fairy I held now turned towards me and prayed. I did not expect a praying fairy, and to be honest, if it was not going to upset the Foxglove killing it, then Fuck it.

I let go of the complaining Fairy, who fluttered out of the room. 

'Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.' It repeatedly said as it flew away.

'Boring!' Shouted Foxglove. 

'You're boring. Now fuck off to your litter tray, kitty. I am busy.'  then she turned her back on me. I had been dismissed. I was stunned.

'Get looking for it! I will sort this out.' The fairies all flew off in different directions. 

I must admit I stood there a little nonplussed at what was happening. Should she rightly not be terrified of me right now? This little monster was completely unhinged. She was a fluttery little thing.

Was I not a fluttery little thing's worst nightmare? Hmm!

Foxglove

I smiled at the Werecat. It was confused and off balance. I could tell. I was bluffing at this point. I had no powers here. Well, in a way, that's a lie. I had the power to confuse and lie to the cat. This seemed to be enough at the moment.

The Werecat became. She changed in front of me into a delightful-looking rock chick. Damn it, in other world circumstances, me and her should go out for cocktails and partying, but in this case, I had to... haha... kill her. Ah well.

'What's your name?' I asked her. I had to keep her distracted while the house was searched. 

The girl just stared at me and moved slowly with all the grace of a professional dancer. No... no, a professional killer.

Why was she not answering? This was so fucking rude. The annoying bitch.

'You're being ill-mannered to a guest.' I told her.

'The Prof would not like a guest at his home to be treated like this, would he?'

She just smiled and stared. That stare was hypnotic, but I maintained my levels of anger, which were ready for brimming over. I would not get distracted from my job today. I would do the distracting.

'You not able to talk or something, dumby?' I asked her.

She nodded, smiled, and pointed to me in response to this question I was trying to use as an insult. 

'Oh.' I said. A little disarmed by this. 

'Am sorry to hear that. Or not hear that, I suppose.' 

I don't know why I apologised to her, but I did. Weird huh?

A door opened behind me, and in walked Dave, the house pet horror thing, and five of the flying girls. Fairy Holly held a small wooden cup. Had they found it? That could not be it. They are so fucking stupid.

Dave sort of barked and went running over to greet the strange visitor. Ah, she must be a regular guest or a member of the household. Hmmm! The Professor had taste. She was scrummy. 

The Werecat crouched and enveloped the horrid creature in her arms as he jumped up and danced around her. It was so excited to see her, and she him.

Great. The cat was distracted. I will take my opportunity to fly over to the cupbearers, who seemed very happy with themselves about the cup they had.

It looked sort of shitty to be the Grail, but then I remembered Raiders of the Lost Ark and the idea that Christ had been a simple carpenter. It could be the Grail, I suppose, but that was too easy to find if it were.

'How do you know it's the grail?' I asked Holly.

The Fairy looked at me nervously and looked to the others in her party for reassurance. There was a lot of shrugging and careful smiles. 

'Erm... Erm... It had a card leaning on it in the display case saying holy grail.' She said.

Hmm!

'Give it here.' I demanded, and the thing was flown over to me, and I grasped it. It felt... it felt right. 

Behind me, the kerfuffle had stopped. The reintroductions between Dave and the cat were done, and as I turned, she stood up, stroking the thing behind its ears, and her angry eyes fell on me. 

The distraction was over. Hmm! What to do now? I hefted the cup. It was really not too heavy. 

I started to laugh. The woman cocked her head in the way that a listening cat does. A look of bafflement spread across that oh-so-pretty face. 

This was going to be so much fun. 

'Catch me if you can bitch.' I yelled and shot past her and through the cat flap at the bottom of the ancient door. 

If I could just get to the estate boundary before her, then I could magic the fuck out of her. She just better not catch me on my way.

The Professor

Having arrived at the house, I needed to know what had gone on. 

'Vaughnt. There seems to be bits of Fairy here and there but what happened to the others?' She looked at me closely as though I was asking her a difficult question. 

I waited patiently for an answer, and then she just shrugged and made to leave. 

Shit. 

I touched her gently on her retreating shoulder in order to gain her attention once more.

'Vaughnt. Was Fairy Foxglove here?' I asked. 

The Werecat looked at me as though I was stupid, then nodded and turned to leave again. 

'Vaughnt!' I yelled. Bloody Werecats, so difficult to keep focused. 

She turned and rolled her eyes. This was not sign language for 'What do you want now?' but Vaughnt language for the same question.

I paused, trying to think of how to phrase the question I needed to be answered.

'I have to go and check.' She signed. 

This confused me. 

'Check what?' I asked. 

'The fridge.' She signed back before trying to turn again. 

'Vau...' she disappeared halfway through the word. The door to the pantry opened and closed, and within a second, she was back in front of me as though nothing had happened. 

'...ghnt! Have you just bloody gone and bloody checked the fridge?' I asked her.

She nodded, lifted a thumb and gave me that big smile that rarely occurred. The fridge was obviously in a satisfactory state.

'Jesus!' I had to calm myself a little in order to be able to continue this conversation. Infuriating.

'Where did foxglove go?'

'She flew through the flap and disappeared.' She signed.

'Right, okay. Well, that's good then. That is very good. We must have scared her off and stopped her from completing whatever her plan was here. Right, I need to get in contact...'

The dark-haired girl lifted her hands to interrupt me and laughed. Silently obviously.

'She must be very stupid.' She signed, still rocking a little with mirth.

This was a strange thing to say... erm sign. 

'Why?' I asked. My stomach had flipped a little. I knew this was going to be... bad. I just bloody knew it.

The cat was silently laughing still. She had to pause and wipe her eyes before she could continue. After finally gathering herself, she looked at me and signed. 

'She only stole the old wooden egg cup from the case in your study.' She could not continue signing as she found this so amusing. 

The wait for her to resume her signing was killing me. Frustration abounded. 

'It is next to the gold jewel-covered cross. So stupid,' She signed, laughing again.

'The what?' I said out loud rhetorically really

I had to let this sink in. She had stolen. Oh... 

'Oh fuck no. No'. I said out loud. The cat looked at me, confused.

She started to sign, but I could not keep an eye on her. 

'Shit, that was... the bloody grail', I said out loud again. 

After a moment of sphincter twitching apprehension, I looked at the girl. I must have seemed incredibly serious because she backed away a little and signed. 

'I bet that's a bad thing that she's got it then, right?'

I almost fainted. 

Luci

The small Fairy arrived. I know... How did I know where she was going to arrive at? I don't know, to be honest. I don't think I know these things at all. It just felt like the right place for me to be at this time. 

At the boundary to Simons's estate was a small brook. As the Fairy alighted on a pebble burne in the centre of the thin stream the scene became quiet. It was as if the world was waiting for something important to happen. This was important.

Foxglove was slightly hysterical as she talked to herself and laughed about her great success.

Foxglove.

I made it. I had flown like the Devil was chasing me to get to the boundary of this place. Here, I could do the magic I needed to do to become a God. 

The great news was that there was no huge rite or sacrifice of a thousand virgins. All a believed in Fae needed to become a god was to drink from another gods vessel. This was a gods vessel. I would drink water from it, and I would become God. 

I placed the cup on the ground for a moment and did a little dance. I could not help myself. I know. I might have a Werecat chasing after me, but a girl has to celebrate her wins and sins in the way she wants. 

Okay... okay, now calm. I had to calm myself down and do the do I needed to do.

I reached for the cup... my hands were shaking. I was nervous to touch it. I thought it might go bang. This seemed too easy.

'Don't be a foolish little fairy.' Said a deep voice behind me. 

I froze. Hmm! I did not recognise the voice. I span as quick as I could, finger raised, ready to kill it. 

Oh, Wil, the werewolf stood in front of me looking all handsome and devilish. 

'Hmmm! Well, that's a different look than I thought I was going to have.' Said the beautiful man as he checked himself over before carrying on with his train of thought.

'You might not recognise me.' He said.

'Well, actually, that's not true. You do recognise me, but this is not me.'

My initial shock and joy had settled now as Wil babbled this nonsense. Okay, let's see where he was going with this.

'You're not you?' I asked him.

'Well, in truth, I am me, but not Wil.' Wil said.

'Okay'

'Okay?' I answered.

'That makes fuck all sense.' I told him, shaking my head and turning slowly to the cup. He is very nice to look at but a complete dumbass.

'I'm just going to have a little drinky winky from the cuppy wuppy and then we can continue this conversation, but don't mind me. I am not here to spoil your mental collapse.' I continued as I dipped the cup in the stream. This was somewhat of a challenge, I have to admit. The cup was as big as me. 

I struggled to get the water in it and not wet my pretty shoes, but I managed it and stooped to take a drink when...

'I am the Devil. Lucifer Morningstar. Beelzebub.' Wil told me.

This made me stop taking my sip from the grail and pull that face you do when you have to deal with the terminally stupid. What was he fucking thinking?

Lucifer

The Fairy went to take a drink. 

'I am the Devil. Lucifer Morningstar. Beelzebub.'

The Fairy paused at this statement and smiled, turning towards me. 

'Right... Okay then... of course you are.' She said.

'You need help Wil. You really do.' 

'Oh, for badness's sake', I said out loud and flashed into my true form before her.

The Fairy froze.

'There you see.' I told her before turning back to my Wil shape. 

The Fairy was still frozen but gave a slight nod of her head. 

'Don't drink from that cup.' I told her.

The frozen Fairy went from slowly nodding to slowly shaking her head, which I assumed meant that she had the idea that drinking from the cup would be bad. 

Suddenly, the little green face smiled. It was a bestial little smile.

Then she dunked her entire head in the cup and started to gulp down its contents.

'No, don't drink it.' I halfheartedly said. 

The Fairy came up for air and laughed hysterically until she realised after a little while that nothing had happened.

'No... Don't drink it.' I repeated

Foxglove was now flying up in the air, her wings vibrating the air and the rage in her building. 

Then kaboom. A lightning strike hit her, and she was blown out of the sky. 

She landed limply on a pebbly little beach next to the brook.

'Why does no one ever listen to me?' I asked no one in particular. It was me again. The me I see that is hmm! She must be dead.

I went over to the fallen Fairy. 

Then, another lightning strike tore into her, and she awoke and began to absorb the energy from the strike. She became a fairy-shaped lightning being as she took in more and more energy.

'Yes! Yessssss! I can feel it. I am becoming a god!' She yelled madly.

'Oh, hooray. You're going to become a god.' I said somewhat sarcastically as I found myself in Wil form again.

'Problem is you did not read the fine print.'  

Lightning now burst from the Fairy's form and earthed itself beneath her. 

The brook started to steam. 

'I am a God!!!!!' she announced.

'You are right now...' I told the newborn godhead.

She pointed a finger at me and shot a blast of electricity from its tip. 

'Die!' She yelled as it hit me and fizzled out.

I shook my head at her. 'Remember, not mortal.'

As expected, the new God raged.

The lightning stopped. Just fizzling out like a damp firework fuse.

The Fairy's new electrical God energy drained out into the ground. She became aware that she was failing. The power was leaving her. 

'Oh no.' (Sarcastically) I said. This time with my voice. Thank goodness I was back.

'No!' Yelled the Fairy before looking at me with tear-filled eyes.

'Why?' She asked. 

'Ah, you see. You made people believe that you were Fairies. That's the real power that makes you a God. Faith.' I told her. She was fading fast now and slowly settled again on the ground.

'No one believes you are a God.' I told her before she finally collapsed on the shingly beach.

I heard some disturbance in the trees. Something or someone was making its way quickly to this spot.

'Ah, time for me to take my leave, I think.' I told the listening world. 

I went to click my fingers, but just before I did, I smiled and stopped. (laughter)

'Hmm! That could be fun.' I said, looking to the sky and winking at big bad Daddio up there.

I snatched the grail and click. I went to Hell.

The Professor

I arrived at the site where I had heard all Hell break out. I snuck up to where I thought I had seen the last flash of the last lightning strike. This wasn't good. Had the Fairy used the grail? 

I had no idea what it would do if she used it, but she obviously did. Why had I been so dam stupid? I had protected my home magnificently from anything breaking in, but I had never considered that if something got in there with my invite, as it were, then it could do whatever it wished. It could not use magic but would not need magic to steal things. 

I know I had not invited the Fairy into the Manor, but I had basically done the equivalent, in Fairyland, of leaving the back door unlocked. No worse than that. The back door was wide open, and with a sign above said door saying steal all my shit.

Because of all that protection, I had never been concerned about leaving all these hugely magical pieces like the grail out and on display. 

God, I apologise yet again.

I had shown a level of arrogance that had caused... Well, I don't know yet what it had caused, but the Fairy had certainly got one over on me. 

The air was disturbed next to me, and Vaughnt was with me. 

'The Fairy is dead there.' She signed.

'Ah. Thank you.' I said and wandered to the sad little setting by the beach. The Fairy was indeed lying very dead on the pebbles. It was a scene that, in a Disney movie, would have a very different context.

I reached into a pocket and brought out the Djinn's Ruby. It's complicated, but think of this jewel as a magic walky-talky or mobile phone. No, not a phone; it's definitely more like a walky-talky because it has no apps or anything on it. Damn pretty though. 

Sorry anyway. I polished it on my shirt in order to give it some charge and spoke into it. Vaughnt looked at me as though I was mad. 

'She's here Bozzy.' I said.

'But, she's dead.'

There was a flash, and the Djinn was now in front of me. He still burnt in raging fire colours. 

'Oh no, you bloody don't', He said, bending over the tiny dead body.

'You don't get out of it that bloody easily.'

He waved his armless robes over the little Fairy covering her briefly and then when she was uncovered we saw her take a breath. The colour came back to her flesh.

As she opened her eyes, sat up, and stretched as if she had just had a good night's sleep, the Dinn pulled out a small crystal glass cubic tank. 

He pointed at the Fairy and then into the box, and she was suddenly transported inside it. The glass tank had no doors, air holes, or anything, and it must have some magical dampening field because the Fairy was firing blasts of energy at the walls with no results. 

Gosh, she was angry. Slamming and beating her fists on the glass of her cell. Luckily, another magical gift that the box had was that it was soundproofed to her remonstrations.

We watched her for a little while, and we were all impressed with the rage she held. After ten minutes, she sat herself down in one corner of the tank and folded her arms, giving each of us evil looks that could have probably killed normally.

'Erm... Bosworth old chap. What are you going to do with her?' I asked. 

'I mean, really, she should be dealt with by the law.' Maybe she was being dealt with by the law right here. I had no clue.

'She's going to be a trophy of sorts, Simon.' The Djinn told me as his robes settled to the content neon pink that they normally were.

'She will be sat proudly on the bar as a reminder to don't fuck about in Faeton.' He told me.

I smiled. It seemed as good a result as any for Foxglove. I would have preferred her dead, to be honest. That way, it would be unlikely that she would bother us again. I mean even dead may not be forever. I had just seen the dead brought back.

I reached for my flask and took a drink of the wonderful Whisky blend that was in there. I offered it to the Djinn. He laughed.

'No mouth mate.' He told me.