Are You a People Pleaser?

Are you a nice person or a people pleaser? If you’re someone everyone considers to be helpful and kind, and are always willing to step up and be there for others, this can be a good thing, as long as you balance this with self-care.  However, if you are neglecting your own needs because you’re constantly making yourself available to others, it can negatively impact your relationships and damage your emotional, mental and physical health.

In today’s episode of Your Personal Power Pod we look at the pros and cons of pleasing other people.

We want to hear from you, whether it’s your stories about how self-esteem and personal power affect your life, or topics you’d like us to address in future episodes. We’d love for you to review our podcast. Do this on your streaming service or visit www.yourpersonalpowerpod.com , click Contact and drop us an email. You can also find us on Instagram at Your Personal Power Pod.

Also, if you’d like to make changes in your personal or business life, spending time with a coach can make all the difference.  Sandy is offering a free consultation, so contact her at sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put COACHING in the subject line to schedule a free call.

Thank you for listening to Your Personal Power Pod.  We look forward to hearing from you.

And, until next time, find your power and change your life!

Transcript

E74 Are You a People Pleaser
[00:00:00] shannon: Welcome to Your Personal Power Pod, a podcast about aligning yourself with the life you want. And here are your hosts, Sandy Abel and Shannon Young
[00:00:20] sandy: Shannon, here we go again. Isn't this fun? 
[00:00:23] shannon: Sandy, it is fun, and we have such a pervasive topic 
[00:00:28] sandy: today. Ooh, good word. Oh my goodness. You're so smart. When you say it's pervasive, tell me why. What is it that you're talking about here? 
[00:00:38] shannon: Well, first we're talking about people pleasing. Yes. It's one of those things that just.
[00:00:43] shannon: There's an undercurrent of it that runs through many relationships. It can become a problem if you're also not quite adept at setting 
[00:00:51] sandy: boundaries. Exactly. If you're a nice person and you love somebody, or you just like somebody, or you just like people in general. People [00:01:00] in general, and you're just nice and you do things for them because it works for you and it works for them.
[00:01:04] sandy: That's a fabulous thing. Mm-hmm. It becomes a problem and you become a pupil pleaser when you put yourself aside. You're not part of the mix at all, and you do anything anybody wants anytime, and that can be a real problem. Yeah. It's sort of a fine line. I don't know if people are aware of the difference.
[00:01:23] sandy: They just fall into it and then they go, oh, this doesn't feel good. Even though I'm doing nice things for people. Anyway, we're gonna look at that today. I was talking with a friend who was telling me that she'd been spending all her time doing everything her boyfriend wanted. He was making suggestions that they move in together, she sell her house and they move in together and see how it goes.
[00:01:45] sandy: Her first inclination was, oh great, sure, I'll do that. I love you. And then it was like, but wait, what if it doesn't work? You don't have a house anymore. You don't have anywhere to go. You're just people pleasing here. You're just doing whatever he wants and you're not [00:02:00] looking at what makes you happy.
[00:02:01] sandy: Mm-hmm. It got me thinking about this, and so we're gonna talk about it. Great. 
[00:02:05] shannon: So what are the signs of a people 
[00:02:07] sandy: pleaser? First of all, like I just said, it's agreeing with whoever's in front of you because you want to earn their admiration. Not really because you agree with what they're saying. Mm-hmm. Or apologizing for things that aren't even your fault.
[00:02:20] sandy: People do that a lot. Oh, I'm so sorry. Well, you didn't do it. It's not your problem. You can be sorry it happened. That's fine. But don't own it. Mm-hmm. Or then it's just taking responsibility for the emotional responses of others. Like my friend I was talking about, if she said, well, no, I don't think I wanna move in, let's just see where we're going, and he got angry about it, then she would feel responsible for that.
[00:02:43] sandy: Mm. And she would go, oh, I'm a terrible person. I made him unhappy. People pleasers own everybody's feelings and think it's their job to make them happy. That's exhausting. It is very exhausting, and you can't do it. But people do it all the time. It's sort of a cultural [00:03:00] thing that women are always the caregivers and the caretakers and the ones who are supposed to make everybody happy and they take care of the babies.
[00:03:07] sandy: And I know it's changed a lot in the last 20 years or so, but still women are seen as more of the. Caregiving people, which translates into the people pleasing people than men are. So I think more women like my friend, struggle with this than men do. Although there are men who just wanna please everybody.
[00:03:28] shannon: I've had some men in my life who if I feel bad, they blame themselves. Or they fear that they're the problem? Yes. When really there are other things going on in my life. Yes. Or maybe the problem is the problem the person isn't, but they have a difficult time separating the two and they apologize all the time for things that they really didn't have any effect on or have no control over.
[00:03:49] shannon: I'm sorry the lawn died. Unless you were out there actively killing it, you don't need to take responsibility 
[00:03:55] sandy: for it. Right, exactly. People pleasers want everybody to be [00:04:00] happy all the time because then it's a reflection on them that they're doing everything they can. Mm-hmm. I think people learn to be people pleasers when they're really, really young.
[00:04:10] sandy: If you come from a family where you only get appreciation or affection or positive attention when you are doing what everybody else wants you to do, you learn that you're only valuable and lovable if you're giving. Yeah. A lot of people are not taught that they have to take care of themselves too.
[00:04:28] sandy: Mm-hmm. It's important to teach your children to be aware of others and be sensitive to their needs. But also to be aware of themself and how to take care of their own needs or make sure their needs are met. People pleasers don't have that ability. They change their personality or their behavior or their attitudes to fit whoever they're around.
[00:04:49] sandy: Mm-hmm. So they end up acting in ways that are outta character, just to get people to appreciate them so that they feel good. It's a self-esteem issue really. 
[00:04:59] shannon: Yeah, you're [00:05:00] looking for validation from others because your worth depends on how they see you instead of how you see you. So this ultimately means that you wind up avoiding conflict everywhere possible too.
[00:05:10] shannon: I think there was a point in my life where I was a people pleaser just because my general nature back then was to be giving, but it got a little bit outta control cuz I didn't know how to set boundaries effectively. And I realized it because I wouldn't say no to things. I would make something up like, oh, I'm so sorry.
[00:05:30] shannon: I'm not gonna be able to make that after all because X, Y, Z. And that created such an internal tension that I thought, this isn't healthy. 
[00:05:38] sandy: Yeah. Oh, because you don't do that. Yeah, no. 
[00:05:41] shannon: And one of my values is honesty and authenticity, and neither of those was being honored there. Right. And so it was that internal ickiness, right?
[00:05:51] shannon: That made me go, I need to change this. I need to be able to say, you know what? I really love your organization and I'll support it in any way I can, but I really [00:06:00] can't make the auction tonight. What can I do to make up for that? And that just felt right all over the place. 
[00:06:05] sandy: Good. And then you took care of yourself and you were good to the other person too.
[00:06:10] sandy: You were able to set boundaries. It's about having positive self-esteem, so you value yourself and know that you have the right to set boundaries around yourself. Otherwise your level of self-confidence. And your personal power are determined by how you think others perceive you instead of the reality of who you really are.
[00:06:27] shannon: Yeah, it needs to be a conscious decision. You need to be consciously putting energy in two places at once. I think this is a challenging thing for people whose love language is acts of service. Because that's how they show people they matter to them. Yes. Is by doing for them. You need to be able to Right.
[00:06:50] shannon: Also balance your own emotional health and wellbeing along with that doing for others. And if you can get the two. [00:07:00] Even then, you'll live a great, happy, balanced life, but you gotta be able to find your footing so that you have one foot 
[00:07:07] in 
[00:07:07] sandy: each place. Right. Exactly. Well put. Yeah, and that's back to the balance and the boundaries and all those things that mm-hmm.
[00:07:14] sandy: You have to have, or you just exhaust yourself trying to please and take care of everybody else so that you feel good. Mm-hmm. 
[00:07:21] shannon: What happens when we can't find that balance? What are the effects? Of being a long-term 
[00:07:26] sandy: people pleaser. Well, you lose sight of who you are. Yeah. And you have no idea what makes you truly happy.
[00:07:32] sandy: I've mentioned the movie Runaway Bride before where Julia Roberts gets right to the altar with three or four men, and at the very last minute she goes, oh, I can't do this. And then she leaves some poor guy at the altar ready to get married. It's because she never figured out who she was with each of these guys.
[00:07:50] sandy: She adapted to who he was and made herself his clone. Right at the very last minute when they were getting married. She went, oh, this isn't me. This [00:08:00] doesn't fit me. Mm-hmm. So she ran away and in the end, her big breakthrough was she figured out how she liked her eggs. Does she like 'em scrambled or she like them runny?
[00:08:09] sandy: Or does she like 'em in an omelet or, and it was like she finally realized I have a right to have my own preferences and know what makes me happy. It was a fun movie, but it was also really profound in the message. If you live your life pleasing everybody else, you will be really unhappy. You lose your inner compass.
[00:08:30] sandy: You don't take care of yourself. Mm-hmm. Some people, the wrong people might just take advantage of you and you'll 
[00:08:36] shannon: get sick. Yes, yes. Stressed mental burnout. There's so much pressure that we put on ourselves. Yeah. To make everyone else happy. And you just can't live under that kind of pressure because it's not possible.
[00:08:48] shannon: Like we're each responsible for our own happiness. So yeah, you can do for others, but they have to choose to wanna be happy. And if somebody doesn't choose that, you can't go down 
[00:08:58] sandy: that rabbit hole. Yeah. You have [00:09:00] to make your own choice. If they're gonna go down the hole, you stay at the top of it and say, Hey, I'm up here.
[00:09:06] sandy: You gotta take care of yourself. People pleasers don't take care of themselves. Mm-hmm. It's 
[00:09:11] shannon: a good way to ruin a relationship because it can lead to a whole lot of resentment and anger. When my husband and I got married, his love language is very much doing for me. That's awesome. But it also bumps up against my need to be and feel capable.
[00:09:27] shannon: So we had to learn to talk 
[00:09:29] sandy: about it. Yes, I have the same issue. 
[00:09:33] shannon: And he felt like I wasn't letting him love me if I wouldn't let him do for me. And I felt like he wasn't allowing me to be strong and capable because he always wanted to do things for me. So we really had to talk about that because it was gonna lead to resentment really quickly.
[00:09:51] shannon: Oh 
[00:09:52] sandy: yeah. And that's the important thing, is to be aware of what your love language is and what his love language is. Share that. Mm-hmm. [00:10:00] And find ways to meld them to work with them. Otherwise, he's giving, giving, giving, and you don't want it because you're resenting that he's taking over and it's just crazy.
[00:10:10] sandy: Whereas both of you have good intentions. Mm-hmm. You just have to communicate. There's a good thing. Talk about it. Or otherwise, you might just start pulling away from each other. 
[00:10:25] shannon: Yeah, so finding a way to put words to it, and that self-awareness is so huge here. If I had just gotten mad at him all the time for doing things for me, we'd both feel misunderstood and then just start kind of drifting 
[00:10:40] sandy: apart.
[00:10:40] sandy: Yeah, he'd just be confused. Mm-hmm. Because I'm, I'm showing her I love her and the way I know how to do that, and she doesn't want it. And so maybe she doesn't love me and oh my goodness, that wasn't it at all. It can 
[00:10:51] shannon: go haywire so quickly if you're focusing all your energy on doing and caring for others.
[00:10:58] shannon: I. It's really easy to miss the [00:11:00] joyful things in your own life or to just lose sight of the things that bring you joy all together. And then relaxation and simple pleasures become really hard to come by cause you're not allowing that space in your own life for that. 
[00:11:14] sandy: And you actually feel guilty if you take care of you because you were taught long ago or you learned long ago that you're supposed to come last.
[00:11:23] sandy: Yeah. Or if you're just nice to everybody, then they will be nice to you and you'll be fine. Nobody teaches us when we're young. That self-esteem comes from inside, not outside. And we need to love and appreciate and value the person we are, just cuz of who we are, not because of what we do for somebody else.
[00:11:43] sandy: You gotta take care of yourself all the time. So 
[00:11:46] shannon: let's talk about what making space for yourself looks 
[00:11:49] sandy: like. Well, first of all, you have to take a step back and look at where you're spending most of your time and energy, and how does it make you feel? Are you enjoying it? Are you loving it? I'm a person who [00:12:00] likes to do things for people.
[00:12:01] sandy: I love empowering and supporting people and helping them find their own power and doing other things, like bringing flowers to my girl and just things. I like that it makes me happy. Mm-hmm. But I do that for me as well as for the other person. And if somebody asks me to do something that I don't wanna do, like you do, oh, I'm sorry.
[00:12:21] sandy: That won't work for me. That's one of my very favorite phrases. Is, I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me. Yeah, because nobody can fight with it. If somebody will say, well, why are you doing that? I'll say, because it works for me. Right? And I don't give reasons. Don't ever give reasons. If you say, I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me.
[00:12:36] sandy: And they'll say, well, why? And you say, it just doesn't, that's not what we're doing right now. If you give reasons, they will argue with the reasons. Mm-hmm. What's that quote that's 
[00:12:44] shannon: been floating around social media for forever now that says, the only people upset by your setting boundaries are the people who benefit from you.
[00:12:53] shannon: Having none. 
[00:12:54] sandy: Yes. Beautiful. That is so true because people 
[00:12:58] shannon: who love and care about you want you [00:13:00] to love and care about 
[00:13:00] sandy: you too. Exactly. And it has to be a balance. You can't be all about you because that's narcissistic and arrogant. But you have to put yourself in the mix equally with everybody else.
[00:13:12] sandy: Yeah. 
[00:13:13] shannon: So keep track of how often you say yes when someone asks you for something, and then think about how that feels when you say yes. 
[00:13:22] sandy: Is it something you want to do or something you're just doing because they want you to do it, and that'll make you feel good If they smile and say, thank you. Mm-hmm. Pay attention to when you say yes, when you really wanna say no, and look for patterns in your behavior.
[00:13:37] sandy: Are there certain people that you always wanna please and why is this? 
[00:13:41] shannon: And look at where you come from. Look at the relationships you were raised with and how you got validation in those relationships. Did they only value you when you were being cooperative and helpful, or were you allowed to have an opinion and express yourself and make your own choices?
[00:13:56] sandy: Yeah, identify if your need to please has [00:14:00] anything to do with your fear of being rejected or making someone angry. When you were little, you didn't cooperate and you got hit, you learned, oh, I better cooperate, or This is gonna hurt physically as well as emotionally. So you don't want people to be angry with you, so you just become a people pleaser and do whatever they want so they can control you.
[00:14:20] sandy: You're allowing other people to control you when you're a people pleaser. It's important to start recognizing your limits and placing boundaries around who you hang out with and how you spend your time and what you allow yourself to do. 
[00:14:34] shannon: Yeah. I think we can get so used to a certain level of stress and pressure and speed in our life that we just keep making decisions that maintain that.
[00:14:44] shannon: But if you really think about how much bandwidth you have before you make any commitments to people or decide to do for others without their asking, does it wear you out? Just thinking about it? Then maybe try to expend your energy on only those things that align with your values and make you feel good.
[00:14:59] shannon: You don't [00:15:00] have to live in that constant state. Of 
[00:15:02] sandy: pressure. Exactly. And that requires you getting clear on your values like you did about truth telling. You are honest person, so you're not going to make up a story about og. I can't cuz I have to go to somewhere. You say, no, that doesn't work for me, but please let me know next time.
[00:15:18] sandy: Mm-hmm. Maybe we can do it then. 
[00:15:20] shannon: Or how else can 
[00:15:20] sandy: I support you? Yes. Right. But your values are a part of that, and you had to get clear that if you're not telling the truth, there's something wrong here. Yeah, because that's not you. You're a very honest person. You're probably one of the most honest people I know.
[00:15:33] sandy: To a fault. No, I don't think so. Honesty is good. So there are a lot of things that you can do to identify being a people pleaser. If you are a people pleaser, then deal with it so that you can find the balance in your life. One of 
[00:15:50] shannon: the keys here is just practicing, saying no, paying attention to how that makes you feel, and like being.[00:16:00] 
[00:16:00] shannon: Open to being uncomfortable for a little bit because we get into these habits that are comfortable and it seems easier sometimes just to take care of other people. Like we can't go wrong doing that, even if it doesn't feel right. And you can. You can make yourself really sick. You can burn out. You can lose complete and total sight of who you are.
[00:16:20] shannon: So practicing it. As with so many of the topics we talk about, it's a muscle. Yes. And the more you work it, the easier it gets. And if you're not used to paying attention to your body and its messages and your emotions and how they're affecting you, you kind of have to start small, but jump right in. Try it once or make a goal like yes.
[00:16:42] shannon: Today I'm gonna say no once and then tonight I'm gonna think about how that made me feel and how I could have done things differently. To balance things out, you 
[00:16:51] sandy: gotta practice, right? And the first step is to become aware that you're doing it. Mm-hmm. You have to tune into yourself and see how you're feeling.
[00:16:59] sandy: If you're [00:17:00] distressed in any way, what is causing the distress? What are you doing that's causing that distress? Because it's probably something you're doing. Just move ahead. Try it. Just little bits. And the more you do it, the better you'll feel. Yep. I was just thinking people at work often had trouble being people pleasers.
[00:17:17] sandy: It's real easy to be taken advantage of at work because if you have a boss that expects you to do all kinds of stuff above and beyond your job description and you're not getting paid for it, but they just keep saying, oh, and do this, and go do that, and would you do that? And after a while you're just overwhelmed and working way too many hours for no extra money or benefits.
[00:17:38] sandy: Work can be a problem too, where you people please and it's really important to be able to say to your boss, look, I'm happy to do this, but this is taking me three more hours a day, and I would like to be compensated for that. Mm-hmm. Or I would like you to delegate that to somebody else and speaking up for yourself instead of people pleasing.
[00:17:57] shannon: That's a challenging place to [00:18:00] be. 
[00:18:00] sandy: Yes, it is. And it may be that that's not the right job for you nowadays. There's a bazillion jobs available out there, so you can find one if you want one, and you don't like the one you have. But if you're being taken advantage of and you're allowing it to happen by being a people pleaser at work.
[00:18:14] sandy: Letting your colleagues run you in circles. It's like, oh really? I have to go out to lunch with my friend tomorrow, so would you please take this and do this and do this and do this? Well, no, I really can't. You have to be able to say, no, I can't. Yeah. You arrange your lunch schedule 
[00:18:28] shannon: and what you'll find is that not only will your relationship with yourself become better, but other people will respect you more as well.
[00:18:37] sandy: Oh, definitely. If they can't push you around, They will maybe not like that, but they will respect it. Just be aware if you're a people pleaser and pay attention to how it's affecting you all 
[00:18:48] shannon: about self-knowledge, self-awareness, 
[00:18:51] sandy: and personal power and self-esteem. That's what it is. 
[00:18:55] shannon: They go hand in hand.
[00:18:56] shannon: If you haven't 
[00:18:57] sandy: noticed by now, I was noticing [00:19:00] that in July we will have been doing this podcast for two years. Woohoo. I'm blown away. That is so exciting. Our listeners seem to be enjoying it. It's very fun. There's a lot to talk about. Yes, there is a lot to talk about it and sometimes it's redundant.
[00:19:17] sandy: Often it's redundant, but it all goes together. Yeah. And if you can get a handle on part of it, You'll get a handle on all of it. Yep. So thanks 
[00:19:25] shannon: for doing this with us, 
[00:19:27] sandy: everybody. Absolutely. We wouldn't be doing this without you. You guys are awesome. Thank you for being great listeners and hanging in there with us for almost two years.
[00:19:35] sandy: That's so cool. So wrap us up, Sandy. Okay. Enjoying helping others can be a good thing as long as you balance it with self-care. If you have that balance, you're a nice person who takes care of yourself as well as others. When you're a people pleaser, your self-esteem is based on the opinions of others. So you always put yourself last to make sure everyone else is happy with you.
[00:19:57] sandy: You might have learned this behavior when you were [00:20:00] small and only got positive attention when you did what others wanted. You learned that your value is in doing for others, and without that, you're worthless. So when you're a people pleaser, you have no idea what makes you happy. You don't know who you are.
[00:20:13] sandy: You always allow the needs of others to dictate your behavior. If you don't have somebody to please, you're kind of lost. Yeah. You can change this behavior by getting to know and appreciate yourself learning where this behavior came from and giving as much value to your needs as those of others. Stop letting others needs define you, and start setting boundaries around what you will and will not do just like Shannon did, and claim your personal power and treat yourself with respect.
[00:20:46] sandy: Thank you, Sandy. Thank you Shannon, and thank you to our listeners. You guys are awesome, which is 
[00:20:51] shannon: why we wanna hear from you stories about how self-esteem and personal power affect your life. Or if you wanna suggest topics for us to cover in future [00:21:00] episodes, please do. We'd also love if you wanted to review our podcast, you can do that pretty much anywhere you stream or you can visit your personal power podd.com.
[00:21:08] shannon: Click contact and drop us an email if you'd like to talk to us directly. And you can also get in touch with us on Instagram at your personal Power Pod. And if you wanna learn how coaching can change your life, contact Sandy at Sandy inside jobs coach.com. And until next time, we look forward to hearing from you.
[00:21:25] shannon: Find your power and change your life.