Episode 133 – Your Stories From the Past

We all carry a collection of stories—memories, interpretations, and emotional imprints formed through childhood, relationships, successes, failures, loss and other experiences. These stories are not just recollections; they are frameworks through which you understand yourself and the world. Sometimes they empower you; other times they limit you. But one truth remains consistent: the stories of your past influence you, and it’s important to know what they are, and that they don’t have to define you if they don’t fit who you want to be.

In today’s episode of Your Personal Power Pod, we look at the stories your past, how they influence you, and what you can do to change them.

We want to hear from you, whether it’s your stories about how self-esteem and personal power affect your life, or topics you’d like us to address in future episodes. 

We’d love for you to review our podcast. Do this on your streaming service or visit www.yourpersonalpowerpod.com , click Contact and drop us an email. 

You can also find us on Instagram and YouTube at Your Personal Power Pod.

Also, if you’d like to make changes in your personal or business life, spending time with a coach can make all the difference.  Sandy is offering a free consultation, so contact her at sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put COACHING in the subject line to schedule a free call.

Thank you for listening to Your Personal Power Pod.  We look forward to hearing from you.

And, until next time, find your power and change your life!

Transcript

shannon: [00:00:00] Welcome to Your Personal Power Pod, a podcast about aligning yourself with the life you want. And here are your hosts, Sandy Abel and Shannon Young.

sandy: Shannon, another wonderful day. How are you today? 

shannon: I am well. How are you? 

sandy: Um, just Excellent. Thank you. And I'm really interested in today's topic because it's something that we all carry. I heard the phrase your stories from the past, and it resonated with me because I realized that I have old stories from when I was a child about who I am and.

What my capabilities are and all that. And I've overcome a whole lot of them that were not positive and I've embraced a lot that are positive. Mm-hmm. So I thought it'd be fun to talk about it. What about you? 

shannon: I think the stories we tell ourselves about who we are are influenced by [00:01:00] people, places, experiences.

Things we maybe don't give credit for helping shape our identity or at least who we think we are, and that being able to parse those things is hugely important when it comes to choosing who we are as we move forward. 

sandy: Exactly. And a lot of folks don't know they have the ability and right to choose. We all carry a collection of stories, memories, interpretations, emotional imprints from childhood relationships, successes and failures, losses, and their frameworks through which we understand ourselves and the world.

shannon: Yes, I had a friend. A long time ago who comes from a family with several kids, and she and her sister were the only girls in the family. Her parents actually said to them, at one point, they said to her, you're the capable one. And they said to her sister, and you are the pretty one. 

sandy: Ooh. 

shannon: And I just thought, oh my goodness.

You look at their lives today. And they were ruled by those two [00:02:00] phrases. 

sandy: Oh. And the parents probably thought they were being positive, but they just put those girls right in boxes. Mm-hmm. It's like from a young age, we begin piecing together narratives about who we are, just like your friends did. I'm the responsible one, or I always mess up, or I'm strong or I'm worthless.

shannon: I'm the one whose job it is to take care of everybody else. 

sandy: Yes, and if I don't do that, I'm defective and there's something wrong with me. It's my job to make everybody happy. I've known several people who have that story, and it makes their life very difficult. Yes, these stories come from a variety of sources.

Just from a comment from a parent, like you said, with your friends or a moment of embarrassment or a failure or a triumph. You can have a lot of positive stories like you're capable and competent and you've got this. Interestingly enough, most people that I've come across have more negative stories than positive ones.

shannon: I think those are the ones that stick with us because [00:03:00] often they are unexpected and they hit you and made some comment to a high school friend of mine, I liked a particular car. Mm-hmm. And he made some offhand comment about. How well that made sense because it was kind of the same shape as my head.

What? What an idiot. Like never forgotten that. Well, I mean, we were dumb high school students. Well, but car shape of your head. Well, I don't know. I had a hairdresser at one point cutting my hair and I asked for a certain amount of volume or something and she said, oh yes, we should put more volume right here because you have kind of a flat head right here.

sandy: Whoa. 

shannon: Like those things come out of left field. You're not expecting them. They are counter to the way. Maybe you saw yourself a minute ago and they're so jarring that they stay with you 

sandy: and it's so hard to carry these stories because they'll impact you for as long as you choose to carry them. 

shannon: Yes. I don't know that we understand often that you can put it down in [00:04:00] disregard.

You don't have to make it yours. 

sandy: Right. Otherwise, like if your past story is I'm not good enough, then it's difficult to take risks. And if your stories is, I always figure things out, then you go after things and you make stuff happen. So they influence how you respond to challenges 

shannon: and obviously they affect your self-worth and your identity.

If you repeat these things internally, they become part of your voice, or at least the voice that you think of as you. And then once that tape is set, it's really hard to change it. 

sandy: Yes. And then they guide your choices. Often subconsciously, because a lot of folks aren't even aware that they're telling themselves these stories.

They just are part of their being and they're not paying attention to what they're saying. So you avoid opportunities or you clinging to unhealthy patterns. Sabotage success 

shannon: are you carry shame. 

sandy: Yes. 

shannon: And carrying all that stuff weighs you down. 

sandy: Yes. 

shannon: And limits your ability to grow emotionally. 

sandy: And it's important for people to understand that you can't change [00:05:00] your past and you can't take back what somebody blurted out.

There are some people who are insensitive or don't think before they talk, but you can change your story. You can rewrite your narrative by acknowledging what happened or what was said, and then give yourself the power to reinterpret its meaning. 

shannon: Yeah, there's a whole lot of power in saying. Is this particular belief that I am carrying with me, hampering me or allowing me to move forward.

And if it's not allowing you to move forward in a healthy way, saying, okay, it existed for a minute, but I can leave it here and I don't have to keep thinking this way, 

sandy: or it was their opinion and they were not right as far as I'm concerned. So awareness is the first step towards writing your own story.

shannon: You say it's important to name your old stories. What do you mean by that? 

sandy: I don't think you have to name them. Give it a book name, but just identify, this is what happened. This is what I was told, or [00:06:00] what the situation was. And is it true That's important? Is it true? Even if it was true, then is it true now?

shannon: And who has the power to decide if it's true? Like if you have messages that are ringing around inside your head that you didn't put there, but that now are starting to feel like part of you, there may have been a point in your life when whoever gave you those messages was in control, your boss, your parents, but now that you're a fully formed grown human being.

With your own personal power, you get to say, yeah, this doesn't feel good and it's not helping me. I think just that act of identifying whatever the story is and creating some emotional distance from it and realizing that it is separate from you. Right 

sandy: is huge. You gotta remember the event is what happened, but the story is what you told yourself about what happened.

You can change what you tell yourself about that situation. If you look back and get [00:07:00] clear on what was really going on. 

shannon: Why is that so hard to tease those two apart? 

sandy: That's a darn good question. Why do you think, 

shannon: well, I would guess it just has something to do with neural pathways and the more you think something, the deeper that pathway gets that is true, and sooner or later it's really hard to distinguish between what's your voice and what's somebody else's voice.

sandy: Exactly. I have a, a great thing I just read, it says, your mind is always looking for proof of what you believe. It finds evidence to match what you believe. The way you frame your experiences shapes how you'll see your life. 

shannon: Yeah. 

sandy: So if you look for evidence that validates the story, the story will continue.

If you look for evidence that contradicts the old story, you can change it. If your story is, I'm bad at relationships, and then you recall all the times you communicated well and showed kindness or set healthy boundaries, you can realize that. Maybe that was the wrong story. 

shannon: Yeah. I think too, part of that, [00:08:00] it sounds easy to just say, well, challenge the narrative, reframe it.

But if you are used to a particular story, and even if it's damaging, it feels comfortable. You're used to it. It's familiar. It's how you're identifying. 

sandy: It's that comfort zone thing, 

shannon: right? Then any discomfort. That comes from challenging. A story can make some people feel like they're going the wrong direction, when really you just need to get comfortable being uncomfortable for a little bit.

sandy: Well put. Anytime you change anything, it's going to be uncomfortable for a little bit because it's new. Mm-hmm. And we've talked about this often that change is uncomfortable, but it is how you move ahead and it's how you create the life you want. Take a deep breath and say, okay, that was then. This is now, and I'm going to move ahead 

shannon: and be curious about it.

I think it's easier to sit with discomfort and something that's foreign if you're curious about it instead of. Afraid of it. 

sandy: [00:09:00] Yes. If you can make yourself wonder, where did that come from and why was it there? How real is it? Instead of saying, I went through pain, so I'm broken. You say, I went through pain so I understand resilience and depth.

Mm-hmm. Or I was overlooked, so I don't matter. You say I was overlooked, but I can choose to be different now and I can choose to see myself and appreciate myself now. 

shannon: I think sometimes in my life, making that abrupt switch can be. Overwhelming. Yes. And so I've learned to take a step about halfway between those and instead of saying, well, that doesn't work for me anymore, I'm gonna do this now, I've started just saying, what if?

Or maybe yes, what if this isn't true? Or maybe things are different than I. See them, you know? Yes. And that gives you a little bit of room to be like, oh, just even inching in that direction towards a healthier story feels good. So now I'm not dealing with fear and uncertainty. I'm dealing with going where it feels.

Right. 

sandy: Right. You create a [00:10:00] future focused story. 

shannon: Oh yeah. I like that. 

sandy: You ask yourself, who am I becoming, or what story do I wanna live now? Mm-hmm. 

shannon: And then that gives you a guideline to make decisions moving forward. Whether those decisions are outward or inward, you can just begin reinforcing your new story.

sandy: You always have the power to choose a narrative that supports your growth, 

shannon: and I wanna be clear that that doesn't mean you're just making stuff up. 

sandy: No, you just look at the reality of who you are. When I was young, I felt like I was sort of incompetent and nobody wanted to be around me and all of those things.

As I grew, I realized maybe that was their problem, not mine, because I realized there were some things I was doing that were annoying and I cut back on those and decided, okay, I'm a wonderful person now, and those people who like me at. Awesome. And those people who still have an issue, I'm sorry, but that is their issue, not mine, and you have to be able to rewrite your story.

shannon: Was it Dr. Wayne Dyer who said [00:11:00] somebody else's opinion of you is none of your business? 

sandy: I don't know if it was Wayne Dyer, but yes, that is very true. If you look back at the stories that you were told a long time ago or that you created and you look at the people that delivered them, if you have a narcissistic parent who never owns their behavior and blames you for everything that goes wrong.

When you're four, you don't understand what a narcissistic parent is. That's a person who can't look negatively at themselves or honestly at themself. But once you're an adult, you can look back and go, oh my goodness, that was this person's problem, not my problem. They made it my problem because I was four.

Now that I'm an adult, I'm not gonna buy their judgment because that came from their problem. 

shannon: You know what's hard about that? Changing your stories when the person or event is no longer in your life is a whole different situation from changing your stories when you still have to deal with that person.

Yes, and sometimes I have several friends who have terrifically broken parents. They have made [00:12:00] the choice to preserve their own sanity and self-esteem and cut ties with their parent. Yes. That decision is almost as scary as just deciding to see yourself differently because now you're losing so much that's familiar to you, including your family.

So. Right, or your job. It's sometimes not just about changing the way you word things in your head. It can also be about some pretty significant outward changes. 

sandy: Yes, life changes, but they're important to make because otherwise you'll continue to be abused by whoever. Yes. Is doing it. Plus by yourself if you keep repeating the stories in your head.

So it's important to try integrating a new narrative into your life. 

shannon: I like that you used the word try. It might take a while to get it right. Oh yeah. 

sandy: It's shifting your whole mindset and challenging everything that you were taught and deciding what is real and what is not, and speak to yourself the way you would to someone you love.

Be gentle and kind. 

shannon: That's so [00:13:00] important and it gets overlooked. We're so much harder on ourselves than we are on anybody else. 

sandy: Yeah. And a lot of that comes from our stories. Mm-hmm. But you and I say all the time, please be gentle with yourself. 

shannon: You used to say, when I was a little girl, be nice to my girl.

I don't like people being mean to my girl. I was very sweet. It kind of helped me see that I'm worthy of the same kind of care as anybody is. 

sandy: Oh my gosh, yes. And we all are, we all deserve to be loved and valued and appreciated and treated with kindness and gentleness, and we have to start that for ourselves.

shannon: Yeah. It's just a decision you make. This doesn't fit me anymore. Sometimes you have those messages to help you cope through a certain situation, but if it isn't fitting anymore, get rid of it. 

sandy: And if that means distancing yourself from people or like you said, a job or situations. Set the boundaries and take care of yourself.

shannon: As always, 

sandy: so important. The bottom line is we all have [00:14:00] stories from our past, and it's important to understand that you are not the stories you inherited. You are the author rewriting a life that honors who you are. Now, your past influences you, but it is not imprison or define you. Your stories shaped you, but they do not tell you who you are.

You can acknowledge your history while choosing your future. Remember, your life is not a finished book. It's a manuscript still being written today. You get to pick up the pen and write it. 

shannon: It's such a beautiful analogy, but it makes me so tired.

The thought of writing just makes me so tired. I choose to think that my life is a painting and I can keep adding paint. Paint 

sandy: it. Absolutely. You paint your life, Shannon. 

shannon: Thank you Sandy. 

sandy: Thank you Shannon. And thanks to our wonderful listeners hanging in there with us. 

shannon: Yes, we adore you and we wanna hear from you.

So [00:15:00] tell us your stories about self-esteem and personal power and the changes you're making in your life. And let us know what topics you'd like to hear about in the future. We love that. It's really helpful, and if you get a moment, please review our podcast. You can do that wherever you stream. Or you can just visit our website, your personal power pod.com.

Click contact and drop us an email. Talk to us directly. We are excited that we are on Instagram where you can find us at your Personal Power Pod. And you can also talk to Sandy about coaching. So if you wanna learn about coaching and how it can change your life, drop her an email at sandy@insidejobscoach.com.

Thanks so much for listening, and until next time, find your power and change your life.