Episode 134 – Do You Want to be Happy?

Most people think they want to be happy, but do they really?  For a variety of reasons many people choose to approach life from a negative and pessimistic place, while others like to find the joy and fun in their life.  In today’s episode of Your Personal Power Pod, we talk about happiness, and how what you choose determines everything about how your life unfolds.

We want to hear from you, whether it’s your stories about how self-esteem and personal power affect your life, or topics you’d like us to address in future episodes. 

We’d love for you to review our podcast. Do this on your streaming service or visit www.yourpersonalpowerpod.com , click Contact and drop us an email. 

You can also find us on Instagram and YouTube at Your Personal Power Pod.

Also, if you’d like to make changes in your personal or business life, spending time with a coach can make all the difference.  Sandy is offering a free consultation, so contact her at sandy@insidejobscoach.com and put COACHING in the subject line to schedule a free call.

Thank you for listening to Your Personal Power Pod.  We look forward to hearing from you.

And, until next time, find your power and change your life!

Transcript

Shannon: [00:00:00] Welcome to Your Personal Power Pod, a podcast about aligning yourself with the life you want. And here are your hosts, Sandy Abel and Shannon Young.

Shannon. Sandy, happy almost holidays to you. I guess we'll be squarely in holiday season when this. Episode comes out. Yes, 

Sandy: we will. That will be between Christmas and Thanksgiving and all kinds of other holidays. It's a crazy but wonderful time of year. 

Shannon: I love that people seem to be decorating lights and stuff on their houses.

I love the lights. Yes. A lot more than they used to be. Probably because of the sheer availability of lights. Yes, they are everywhere. There are several houses in my neighborhood that have incorporated their Christmas decorations. Into their Halloween decorations. Really? [00:01:00] How does that work? Yes, so it's very nightmare before Christmas E, like nine foot skeletons with Santa hats.

Oh, I don't know if that's just 'cause they got too lazy to take them down. I mean, setting that stuff up has to be quite the chore and they just thought, I'm gonna get as much mileage outta these. Old bones as I possibly can, but I don't know. I think it is hilarious. Yes. And I love imagining the people in their houses looking out the window at their hybrid Christmas, Halloween ornaments and just feeling such joy 

Sandy: from it.

Exactly. It's what makes them happy. Yes, is to do fun decorations the way they think they should be done. That is perfect. And that's so cool because that's what we're talking about is being happy, 

Shannon: happiness. Talk to me about happiness. It's such a loaded word. 

Sandy: It is. It is. Most people think they wanna be happy, but do they really, for a variety of reasons.

[00:02:00] Many people choose to approach life from a negative and pessimistic place, while others like to find the joy and fun in their life, like your neighbors. They're just finding joy all over the place. 

Shannon: Again, they could just be lazy. I don't know. 

Sandy: So happiness is a state of mind, really consisting of not only feelings of joy, gratitude and contentment, but other positive emotions and the sense that your life is meaningful and has value.

Shannon: I struggle with this word. I really do. Our culture specifically is so focused on happiness. I don't think most other cultures have this kind of focus on you, the individual being happy. I think elsewhere there's a whole lot more value placed on. Are you useful? Do you participate in the common good? It's not all self-centered.

Are you happy? And I also feel like it's one of the first words we learned when we were little. So there's kind of a childish [00:03:00] connotation to it. Mm-hmm. But it's such a huge concept. Yes. So could it be just more like a sense of wellbeing, a satisfaction? Like when I think about people who are happy, I think about lots of smiling and joy and laughing.

Maybe that's just my image, but it. Feels like there's this expectation that you will be happy. I mean, it's in the Constitution for Pete's sake. The pursuit of happiness and, and happiness isn't something you pursue. It's something you allow. 

Sandy: It's something you create 

Shannon: or that chasing it means you won't ever find it.

Sandy: That's true. When you're happy, it energizes you and makes it so you find the fun and enjoy all aspects of your life. It's about how you approach your life, 

Shannon: but you can be happy even when you're not enjoying all aspects of your life. When I was going through cancer treatment, I was not enjoying all aspects of my life, but I was freaking happy.

Sandy: Right, because you were finding the positive in it. Okay. So there's several parts to being happy. [00:04:00] First of all, you've gotta be comfortable with who you are. Having positive self-esteem really helps with happiness. 

Shannon: Yeah. 

Sandy: And then finding the joy and appreciating everyday things. We talk about that all the time, about walking in the street and seeing all the beautiful trees and flowers, or the blue sky, the clouds.

Just finding the beauty and the joy in everyday things. 

Shannon: And doing things that make you pleased. 

Sandy: Yes. Satisfying things. 

Shannon: Yes. 

Sandy: And of course, being connected to other people in a positive way and to the greater whole. A lot of people find great joy and happiness in donating things or working in nonprofits or giving back.

Feeling that you're making a positive contribution to the world. Mm-hmm. Really does create a lot of happiness. 

Shannon: Sometimes my happiest moments come from being alone in nature. 

Sandy: Yes. 

Shannon: There's almost nowhere I would rather be than sitting on my kayak in the middle of the lake. 

Sandy: You're finding the joy and everyday things 

Shannon: and being one [00:05:00] with 

Sandy: it and one with yourself.

Shannon: Mm-hmm. 

Sandy: The happiest people are those who pursue a full life. They like themselves, fill their days with pleasure, engagement and meaning, and have life balance. 

Shannon: That's important. 'cause when you get out of balance, things get wonky. 

Sandy: Right. 

Shannon: And then if you're just burning the candle at both ends, it's really hard to.

Find the joy when you're just trying to survive. 

Sandy: Exactly. If something makes you happy and you do it all the time and don't shift it up with anything else, you're gonna burn out. So you need to be involved in multiple activities to satisfy your human needs, to find your joy. 

Shannon: There is such a thing as too much of a good thing, right?

I drink these Maxwell House. Swiss mocha coffees that I love. I'm not a coffee person, but I love these coffees. I love the warmth. I love the flavor, and it's a treat. And then I found that I can order them in bulk on Amazon. 

Sandy: Uh oh. 

Shannon: And now for the past couple of months, I have had one every single [00:06:00] morning when I get to work.

And what I've noticed is that my pleasure in it is going down. 

Sandy: Oh, you're overdoing it. 

Shannon: I'm overdoing it. It's not the special thing that it was. Yeah. It used to be I drank them on Christmas morning and sometimes I put Bailey's in it. It was great. That's different. I'm not doing that at work Good. It's to the point now where I've lost enough of the joy in it that I'm having two a day trying to get it back.

So now it's time to maybe hold off. That's what addiction is. I'm not addicted to it. It doesn't even have caffeine in it. It is not like there's anything in it to get physically addictive. It's an emotional addiction. Yes. But I mean, I'm very cognizant of the fact that I have a choice here. It's not like I have to get up and make more hot water.

I was like, okay, I've lost some pleasure in this. Can I get it back? And what I've realized is that, no, I can't. The only way to get it back is to hold off for a while. 

Sandy: That's great. 

Shannon: Balance, 

Sandy: balance, balance. That's what we're talking about here. So you find other things that make you [00:07:00] happy. Tea. Okay, whatever.

Shannon: What it comes down to is I like having a hot drink when I sit in my freezing office because it makes me feel cozy. Yes. And I like the coziness. And so that's where the happiness is. 

Sandy: So it's not really the warm drink, it's the coziness that makes you happy. Yes. And there's lots of ways to get cozy. 

Shannon: Yes. So I take my slippers now.

Sandy: It's good that you work 

Shannon: where I work in a warehouse. 

Sandy: Yes. And there are some people who are happy being unhappy. Yeah, they're sort of addicted to the unhappiness because it's their comfort zone and they find reasons to be miserable when life gets too good. I've talked to people who say things like, everything is great.

I'm really worried. And I was like, why? And they say, because something's gonna go wrong. This can't keep up. It's like, oh my goodness, don't do that. 

Shannon: Well, the thing is, they're right. Something is gonna go wrong at some point, but you [00:08:00] have to look at it from a larger perspective, which is all of life is ups and downs.

So yeah, you've been down before, you've been surprised or had your legs knocked out from under you by life. But then things change. And you get better and you learn something and things go well. And so you have to be able to appreciate those moments when they're there because it is ever shifting. But I think some people get so knocked down that they're on the lookout, 

Sandy: right?

They're waiting for something to go wrong instead of enjoying all the good, 

Shannon: right, because they wanna be ready for it. Exactly. 

Sandy: I used to know a person who always looked for the bad. They would try something and they say, oh, but this isn't gonna work. And I would say, why are you approaching it with that attitude?

And they said, well, if it does work, I'll be thrilled, but if it doesn't work, I get to be right. You're setting yourself up to be right by being prepared for failure. 

Shannon: They don't wanna be disappointed, 

Sandy: right? But in the process, they're denying themselves a lot of joy. A lot of unhappy people prefer to be a victim.

They [00:09:00] blame others rather than take responsibility for their choices. 

Shannon: It's safer. You don't have to try. 

Sandy: And they compete with friends and colleagues to see who has it hardest or they have difficulty setting and achieving goals. Sometimes actually achieve their goals, but decide they can't enjoy it because it didn't turn out exactly the way they wanted it.

Shannon: And they're not terrifically resilient. 

Sandy: No. When they're down, they're down and they stay down and they don't look around and find the good. 

Shannon: Once you get really comfortable being negative and looking for the bad, you're gonna find it. Then you're just slowly sliding and it's really easy to devolve into escapist mechanisms.

Drinking drugs, compulsive behaviors, making bad decisions, 

Sandy: overeating anything to try to numb the sadness. 

Shannon: Mm-hmm. 

Sandy: Instead of getting out and taking responsibility and doing things to find your joy. 

Shannon: I think what's saddest is that it's all fear-based. Yes. You just don't wanna be taken by surprise. And keeping an eye [00:10:00] out for all the things that could go wrong.

You feel like that's where your power is and really it's not. You're really giving away all your power there. 

Sandy: And the problem is that when you do that, you create unfulfilling relationships. You get in situations that really don't meet your needs 

Shannon: or you just can't ever relax. You can't ever let your guard down, and that's a super unhealthy place to live.

Sandy: Oh, yes. It creates serious stress, and we all know what stress does to your body and anxiety and all kinds of things, but they're in their comfort zone, which is being unhappy. So if somebody is dealing with that, it's important to ask yourself, what am I getting outta being unhappy? 

Shannon: That's so big. I met a friend that I've had for a couple of decades now.

I was doing a story when I worked in Virginia and I was at the airport and I met a pilot who was wandering around. We happened to be about the same age, and we became pen pals and dear friends, and he told me once. Long after we had become friends that when he first met me, he thought I was dumb as a box of rocks.[00:11:00] 

Oh no. And I was like, thanks dude. That's good to know why. And he said, because you were such a happy person. And I didn't think anybody who truly understood this world could be happy. Yeah. 

Sandy: Oh, I'm sorry for him. 

Shannon: He very much came from a place that wasn't safe. 

Sandy: I hope he has moved past that. 

Shannon: He has made some really good choices to making himself happy.

Yes, I'm very proud of 

Sandy: him. Absolutely. So why people choose to be unhappy? A yi yi. Yeah. It's familiar. Like we said, sometimes it gets you attention. 

Shannon: Yeah, 

Sandy: I know people who do a lot of drama just because it gets other people to pay attention and feel sorry for 'em. 

Shannon: The trouble with that is that you will lose those people.

Sandy: Eventually you will 

Shannon: alienate everyone and then you'll. Happy and alone, 

Sandy: and you don't have to take responsibility for anything because you feel like a victim and then nothing will work out, so you don't try anything or do anything. 

Shannon: And those messages start from an early, early age. This goes back to the episode we did last week, which was do you wanna change your [00:12:00] stories?

Yes. Some people, like my friend, are proud of themselves for being on the lookout for all the things that could go wrong. He truly felt like he was the smarter outta the two of us in our friendship. 

Sandy: Yeah. Until he realized you were happy. And they're afraid to get comfortable with joy and happiness because it might go away 

Shannon: if you're relying on other people for your joy and happiness, or did when you were a kid and then got figuratively the wind kicked out of you.

Yeah, it's really hard to just relax and understand that. Those feelings come from in you instead of from outside of you. 

Sandy: Yeah. You might be consumed by anger or regret or guilt over things you've done in the past, and you just beat yourself up consistently trying to make yourself pay for whatever it was you did.

Shannon: I know people who are very self-deprecating and you can tell that it's not like they're just being funny, like there's a hint of truth in the things that they're saying that put themselves down. 

Sandy: Mm-hmm. 

Shannon: And I questioned somebody about it a million years ago and they said, well, at least that way I get there before somebody else does.

Sandy: Which is [00:13:00] so sad. Yes. For some people, happiness is so unknown that it makes them fearful 

Shannon: if you don't know what it feels like to be happy and safe. Happiness is an unsafe place to be, 

Sandy: which is so sad. 

Shannon: That's why you just have to decide it. 

Sandy: Yeah. And some people, dissatisfaction becomes a motivator to work harder, to change jobs, to eat healthier, to spend more time with friends or family.

In some cases it can be a positive. 

Shannon: Yeah. But there's a decision there, right? At some point those people go, I am fed up feeling this way. I don't wanna feel this way anymore. 

Sandy: Yes. So there's a lot of reasons why people are unhappy. There are more reasons why it's important to find your joy and your happiness.

Shannon: Understanding that it ebbs and flows. I feel like there's this pressure to get happy and stay happy. Like with my coffee, you have to have some contrast, right? And I'm not saying be dramatic. I'm not saying go out of your way to find the negative and make your [00:14:00] life harder. But sometimes things are not great and sometimes things are hard.

And that's okay too, right? Like you can acknowledge today sucks. Yeah, this is brutal. But I know I will get out of it. 

Sandy: Right. And then do something like go for a walk or take a bath. Be with somebody that you love, to find your joy. Don't just sit there and wallow in the misery. 

Shannon: Yeah. I started practicing several years ago when I was having a hard time falling asleep.

My brain would spin about all the things that were needing my attention and going wrong. Right? And it occurred to me that when I wake up, all these things are still gonna be here. 

Sandy: They'll wait for you. 

Shannon: Like I don't have to carry them. Into sleep with me. Great. They will be here when I wake up. So if there's something I need to remember, write it down, get it outta your head, and then put the baggage down.

And in the morning you can choose which bags you wanna pick back up. 

Sandy: Yeah. If you wanna have a happy, joyful, life filled with satisfaction. You've gotta allow yourself to take the [00:15:00] risk and find things that make you happy. And when you do that, you will surround yourself with people who support that and who make you happy too.

You'll find joy in all you do and share it with everybody. 

Shannon: Yeah. And you'll notice your body responding. Choosing to focus on the good, minimizes pain, improves your immune system, lowers your stress hormones, which is a really big deal. Yes. Physically, you start feeling better, like just that one decision to focus on.

The good instead of the bad flips the entire script. 

Sandy: The important thing for everybody to know is that happiness is a choice, and positivity affects all aspects of your life. So you're in charge. You get to choose. 

Shannon: So how do you suggest people who constantly live in fight or flight who have spent years reinforcing a pattern that says, I have to be on guard.

All the time. How do you suggest easing into it? 

Sandy: Well, first identify what they're doing. Yeah. A lot of these [00:16:00] folks don't understand that they're doing this to themselves. They just think life is hard. Yes, life is hard. There are a lot of tough things, but it's all about how you approach it. Identify at least one thing that will make you happy.

Like you said, sitting in the middle of the lake on your kayak, and then do that and get in touch with yourself 

Shannon: and let yourself be there. 

Sandy: Yes. 'cause 

Shannon: I think often people who are stuck in this pattern, they know they like certain things, but when they're doing those things, they're not focusing on what they're doing.

They're thinking about all the other things. 

Sandy: Yes. If you're sitting on the kayak in the lake, notice what the water feels like, what the birds are singing, what the trees look like, be there. Like you said, 

Shannon: when my husband and I first started dating, we went and spent a handful of nights at a fire lookout in Southern Oregon, which was super cool.

I was prepared with all the things to do. Cards, books, took my camera, my tripod. You know, I was just running all up and down the mountain doing things, and my husband took a chair and he sat. [00:17:00] He didn't bring a book, he didn't bring games. He didn't bring anything to distract himself. We couldn't get cell service.

He sat in that chair for three days and looked at the world. It was the most immersed in a moment I've ever seen a human being good for him. And my mind was blown, like I don't have the patience to do that, and he just wanted to be in it all the way. 

Sandy: That's impressive. Did he leave refreshed? 

Shannon: I don't know.

I hope so. 

Sandy: There are a lot of things people can do if they want to be happy. Identify, do you really want to be happy? Are you willing to take the risk of getting out of your comfort zone, of being unhappy? There's so much positive that comes from it if you choose to go the joyful route. And if you're a parent, please consider what you're teaching your children.

Mm yeah. Are you teaching them that life is a struggle or that life is grand? They will live whatever you teach them. So please be aware 

Shannon: if being right is [00:18:00] important to you. Please understand that life is hard, but life is also beautiful. So all of those things, the good, the bad, they all exist in equal amounts.

So whatever you focus on is gonna expand in your world. Your power is in choosing what you wanna fill your world with. 

Sandy: Exactly. So the bottom line is happiness is complicated. 

Shannon: Oh, I like that. We should have started with that. 

Sandy: Some people find happiness in situations that would challenge the most optimistic person and others are unhappy despite having it all.

There's a lot of really wealthy people who are miserable. Yeah. Go talk to some lottery winners. Oh wow. For some happiness is fleeting and depends on present circumstances where others seem to be generally happy or unhappy no matter what's happening in their lives. So it's important to remember that you choose your own thoughts and reactions.

And those impact the way you feel and see the world. You can improve your happiness by taking steps to change your thinking. Find [00:19:00] gratitude, be mindful. Be in the moment, and if you notice you're feeling unhappy, you can view your emotions as a signal that some aspect of your life needs to change, and then take action to create a better state of mind.

Shannon: Take back your power, 

Sandy: change your life, 

Shannon: and then tell us about it. We wanna know what makes you happy and how you turned your world around if you did. And we also wanna know what episodes you want to hear in the future. So if you have topics you want covered, let us know. And if you have a moment, we'd love if you wanted to review our podcast, and you can do that wherever you stream.

Or you can just visit us at your personal power pod.com. Click contact and drop us an email. You can also communicate with us on Instagram where you can find us at your personal power pod. And if you wanna learn about coaching, contact Sandy at sandy@insidejobscoach.com. She can help you change your life.

We'll check back in with you next week. Thanks so much for listening. We look forward to hearing from you. And until next time, find your power and change your 

[00:20:00] life.