We’re all going somewhere, where are you going? Have you noticed that you struggle the most with the things you most want? There’s a reason. There’s also a way to change it.
If you’re tired of the inner mind chatter and ready to create a life that you enjoy, that’s in-joy, today’s episode is for you.
This week, Stephanie and Maren bring simplicity and impact to
the understanding that thoughts create our reality
looking at who is actually determining our values
Reclaiming our thoughts and our values
and more
PLUS they give two clear, simple, immediate "how to's " to change what you say to yourself so you can have the life you want.
We are all going somewhere, is where you’re going where you want to be going? If not, you can reframe that in a moment. Yes, your thoughts are foundational - and that’s the good news. Join Maren & Stephanie in making the space to truly change your life.
00:28 Why do we have to change? It’s comfortable and lovely here.
05:09 It’s not an either or situation, there’s a better way
08:06 The space to know, and align with, your wants and values
11:34 Living in joy
14:34 If we aren't conscious, we’re just consuming
19:00 React, Resign or Respond: Changing the narrative
26:15 Working from the outside in
“Do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know the side you are used to is better than the one to come?” ~Rumi
We’re all going somewhere, where are you going? Have you noticed that you struggle the most with the things you most want? There’s a reason. There’s also a way to change it.
If you’re tired of the inner mind chatter and ready to create a life that you enjoy, that’s in-joy, today’s episode is for you.
This week, Stephanie and Maren bring simplicity and impact to
the understanding that thoughts create our reality
looking at who is actually determining our values
Reclaiming our thoughts and our values
and more
PLUS they give two clear, simple, immediate "how to's " to change what you say to yourself so you can have the life you want.
We are all going somewhere, is where you’re going where you want to be going? If not, you can reframe that in a moment. Yes, your thoughts are foundational - and that’s the good news. Join Maren & Stephanie in making the space to truly change your life.
00:28 Why do we have to change? It’s comfortable and lovely here.
05:09 It’s not an either or situation, there’s a better way
08:06 The space to know, and align with, your wants and values
11:34 Living in joy
14:34 If we aren't conscious, we’re just consuming
19:00 React, Resign or Respond: Changing the narrative
26:15 Working from the outside in
“Do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know the side you are used to is better than the one to come?” ~Rumi
In a world where we have everything and it's still not enough, we're often left wondering, is this really it?
Maren Oslac:
Deep inside, you know, there's more to life, you're ready to leave behind the old push your way through and claim the deeper, more meaningful life that's calling you.
Stephanie Allen:
That 's what we invite you to explore with us. We're your hosts, Stephanie Allen and
Maren Oslac:
Maren Oslac. And this is the soulful leader podcast.
Stephanie Allen:
Yay! Hi, welcome to the Soulful Leader podcast. This is Stephanie and I'm here with Maren. I've just been reflecting and we both had been reflecting a lot about that metaphor of the butterfly and the caterpillar. I just recently was talking with somebody and they're like... "Why do we always have to move to the butterfly? Why can't we just be as a Caterpillar? Caterpillar is comfortable, it's beautiful. It's fluffy and lovely." And, you know, it's a good question. And I think sometimes we are forced to grow. Nothing makes me crazier than when I just buy something new. Then a year later, a new upgraded version comes out, and I go, Oh, I have to upgrade. I have to upgrade! And of course, I have a lot of family and friends who refuse to upgrade. So they have these old operating systems that no longer communicate to the new ones. And it causes a lot of stress. But they're they're kind of caught in that mode of, well, you know, this works... why do I have to change? Why do I have to grow? Maren, you reminded me of a great movie that I truly love with John Travolta called Phenomenon. There was a line that was neat. Can you share with all of us that are out there listening that are struggling with like, why can't we just be caterpillar? Why do we have to grow all the time? Why do we have to move and change and, you know, uplevel and upgrade? And so why can we just stay a caterpillar.
Maren Oslac:
So it's interesting in the movie, you're mentioning Phenomenon with John Travolta. In case you haven't seen it, I'm not going to give too much away. There's a scene where he's eating an apple, and there are are two children and they are upset. He's eating this apple and he was sharing with them that everything is on its way to somewhere because he's eating this apple, he will digest it and it will become a part of him. And we oftentimes don't think about food like that, we think about it goes through us, not that it's becoming a part of us. And everything that we take in literally becomes a part of us, it's on its way to somewhere. And in nature, stasis is death. So like, there is no such thing as stasis in nature. It's either evolving or devolving. Like, if you think of a tree is growing until it dies, and then it starts to decay. And now it's feeding other things that are growing because it's decaying. And everything is symbiotic. And yet, as a culture, we have this notion that we work our whole lives, then we retire and we've achieved and we're done.
Stephanie Allen:
Yeah, unfortunately, that's when people start de-evolving.
Maren Oslac:
Exactly! And that's the challenge. I watched someone very dear to me go through that. She retired. And within three years she had passed away. She was perfectly fine. I mean, she had some health problems, right. And then her brain was like sharp as a tack. She retired she got, you know, Alzheimer's and then fell and then she she passed away. And it was it was devastating for me because it felt like that of like we're growing, growing, growing. and then when we stop, we don't think about it. Because everything's going somewhere. We are going somewhere. It's happening to us now. We're devolving. We're deteriorating.
Stephanie Allen:
And I think the frustration is that, you know, I think really, there's that part. It's like, well, I've worked really hard I want to be able to rest, can I just can I just enjoy my life, can I just be and so we're kind of rebelling against.... enough already! I've achieved everything I can possibly achieve. Can I just be happy with what is? And I feel like that's what this person was saying to me earlier was they just wanted to be the caterpillar. They can be just like... "Stop pushing me. Can I just rest?" So there's finding that harmonization isn't it? It's like there's nothing wrong with being a caterpillar. I think that's where we kind of go..... "Why am I being made wrong for wanting to be a caterpillar or not pushing or striving or going?" But what we're suggesting is that there's actually another way.
Maren Oslac:
Exactly, yeah, there's very much another way.
Stephanie Allen:
Yeah, yeah, it's like, it's almost like So its this either or. And even when I was saying is like we're either growing or decaying, right, and even within that, that's kind of thinking that we're balancing that out. But it's, it's true. And it's also not true in that when a tree is it's not really. It's we are still that either or, or this or growing, it might have a limb that dies, right? So it's not an either or. I have a beautiful old, it's got to be several 100 years old oak tree in my backyard. And it is dying. And it's got a good, you know, half dozen branches that are still working on, you know. So how do we get out, I think that thing for me is how do we get out of the either or mindset of when I'm working, it looks like this.....I push, I strive, I hurt and I, and then when I retire, I look like this, and I do nothing. that, instead of the both and, the unification of what if we could keep evolving at a pace that is... like I said, there's that Rumi quote that says,,"Don't worry that your life's turning upside down. What if the life that is coming to you is better than the one that you have?" Like, how do we know? We don't know? Right? I'm not quite sure if that was quite the quote. But it's kind of that similar thing is that.... we get, we hold on to what was, and we hold on to the iPhone six, even though there's an iPhone 15. We hold on to that iPhone, because we're used to it and it works! You know what? It does the job until it doesn't, until it doesn't until you try to connect with other people who have already evolved and move to the next level. Then you're like, shoot my Facebook thing instant messenger isn't working with each other and it's frustrating, I still get it. It's frustrating. So like that new operating system is like, what if there was a both and? What if there's another way that we can? I don't know. I'm just so curious, I can add, like to make it beautiful, and not to feel guilty that you're not present or you're not respecting from where you're already at? Do you know what I mean? Like, there's that I should be grateful, I should be grateful for where I am. And I am grateful. So why am I made to feel guilty that I don't have the new doozy watts, you know, the iPhone 2000, who knows what it is, right? It's like, I'm not driving that car, I don't live in that kind of a house or neighborhood or I, you know, I no longer am making money, you know, I'm doing something else. And I think there's a huge push.
Maren Oslac:
There is a push, I think that that particular thing is an inside job of not you know, as you start to get to know yourself better and better, you start to align with your you know, you have to know what you believe and want before you can even align with others. And we're not given the tools to do that in our society. Our society tells us, not even tells us, bombbards us with what we should want, and what's going to make us happy. And what's going to make us fulfilled. And advertising is I mean, it's a multi billion dollar industry. And they've done all the research into the psychology of things and how to manipulate us. And so there's no shame in that we don't know what we want. How could you know?
Stephanie Allen:
There's no space. There's no time, there's no energy
Maren Oslac:
No, we're constantly told. So it takes effort, and it is an inside job. And in order to get to the point where you're like, Okay, I know what I want. Then at that point, you'd say I do want to be a butterfly, or I don't, I do want to be a caterpillar. And I want to be that caterpillar, the one with the cool stripes, or I just want to be the brown one that sits in the corner, whatever it is, right? Like, that's the place that you can come from and say, Yeah, I really want that. And guess what? That's moving towards something. You know, everything's going somewhere. That's making a clear choice for yourself. When we just back off and say, I don't want to, don't make me it's not actually in choice, and we don't have the space.
Stephanie Allen:
Yeah, I think like, when we don't have the space, it kind of reminds me of being in the chrysalis. Like you're in that little cocoon, you don't have the space. So what do you do when you're in that cocoon? To me, this is the the opportunity to, to really look at it. And you're saying, you know, what do I want? And I think a lot of times, we don't know what we want, we're kind of told what we should want. And that's the same as values, too, we're kind of told what we should value, instead of really taking the time and the inquiry, like the inner looking within, to actually say, what, what do I value? What is important to me? And WHY? I think the key question is asking, Why is that a value? Or was that just a value that was that was kind of pushed on to me? Why did I choose it? Like, is it something that is really truly mine? And I think this is a real key, I had somebody who came to me recently to said, Oh, my God, Stephanie! I Somebody told me, I should look at my values. And she goes, I have to admit, I had to go home and like Google it and go, I don't even know what a value is. I think that's so honest. It took a tremendous amount of courage to even admit that and I'm like, you know what, I think that's so wise of you to even question what is a value? And how do I know what it is? And what is it for me? And why is that my value? And I think these are great questions, as a soulful leader to ask ourselves and and each other. What do we value? And why? Yeah.
Maren Oslac:
And I just want to point out something is that we're still talking about doing some sort of work, which can feel overwhelming when you're in that space of like, Oh! I just want to stop. One of the things I noticed when you were talking earlier, is we're actually talking about the yin and the yang, the outer and the inner. And I'm going to draw some parallels. So, you work your whole life to get someplace and then retire, you know, take time, take a rest. Finally, you rest. Guess what? That's your outer work WORK and your inner rest, REST right? There's a reason that day and night happen on a regular basis. We on this podcast, we've talked about the inhale and the exhale, we don't just do one, both of them have to happen. And that's the inhale and the exhale, that's the inner and the outer. And the same thing with what you were talking about of like, you had a very highly successful person come back and say, what the heck is a value? Because that's an inner thing. And so what I think an option for us to start to, like a rabbit hole we can start to go down as a culture is, what would it look like? Not even start to have to go down, what would it look like to actually have both the inner and the outer one, we're doing everything so that we have rest while we're working, so that we don't have to wait until we're retired to get that and we're not so exhausted by life. By the time we're done working, that all we can do is say I can't.
Stephanie Allen:
Well, that isn't even having a life, right? That's no life at all. Like, you're barely existing. You're, it's like treading water with you're just barely having your nose out of the water. It's like, you are barely sucking in enough life to exist. And you're working really hard to try to keep your head up. I mean, one of my favorite songs is 'In your Eyes' by Peter Gabriel. And there's a line and it says, you know, working so hard for my survival. Well, isn't that the consciousness of what we've been projecting? Well, how do you get off that treadmill? How do you? Because we're told more is better, do more, have more, you know, and then all of a sudden, we stop and everything that has been accumulating in the momentum behind us is now hits us from behind and whack's us out. And now we're, you know, given such a short time in our lifespan to actually live now that we either don't have the health or the the life force, and I don't just mean money, I mean, mental and emotional life force, to actually choose to do something that really nourishes our soul
Maren Oslac:
to enjoy, like, literally...
Stephanie Allen:
to be "in joy" and enjoy, right?
Maren Oslac:
Yeah. And I think I love this because that concept of 'everything's going somewhere'. It really, for me, it made me stop and go, well, everything's going somewhere including me. I want to be more conscious and conscientious about where I'm going. So that I'm not handing over my life force over to something, a job that I get up and I begrudge every day, or a relationship that's, you know, unhealthy, or even just like unconsciously doing the whole refrigerator run where you stand, and you just look in front of the refrigerator like "Huh, what can I eat now?" (laughter) I know I'm completely unconscious in that moment. And I really do want to bring more consciousness to it, because I'm going someplace anyway, I'm either going to go have a piece of chocolate, and enjoy it and say, I did that consciously, or I'm going to have the piece of chocolate and not really even taste it, and then need to go back and have more. Right? So I'm hoping that as a society, the more we become aware of the fact that we are going someplace, and we're going there rapidly as a society. And what will it take for us on an individual level, to show up more consciously, in our own moments?
Stephanie Allen:
Because we because if we aren't conscious too, we just consume, like you said, the chocolate, okay, we're just consuming and trying to get whatever, whatever we're empty of what we're trying to get it from outside of ourselves, you know, we're trying to get more love from our partner, we're trying to get more appreciation at work, we're trying to get more money in our bank account, we're trying to get whatever it is, like we're trying to reaching outside, outside outside instead of going internally, it's like, how do I even give that to myself? internally? What does even that mean? Like, when someone says, Can you give that to yourself? I'm like, What are you talking about? Get myself respect, I get myself respect all the time, you know, but then if we can create the space inside, and what does that mean? Create space inside, you know, to give ourselves time, I have a really good friend of mine who I just adore. And she's highly successful in her role, but she will constantly complain that there's never enough time, I never have enough time. I'm always late, I'm always running. I never have enough time. I jokingly say, well, what, what are your priorities? I have too many priorities. I say what do you value? I value everything.(laughter) And I'm like, you know, just taking the time to really look at what is it that I value and why. And then choosing to align with that too. Stephen Covey used to talk about the big rocks. There's a great, it's a, it's an old YouTube video that I think you can google and find it. And he talks about two buckets, and one bucket is empty. And he takes the bucket, and he just puts all the rocks in, but they don't all fit. And, you know, he said, now here's what we have to do is like, we have to change our paradigm. So they're just throwing everything in the bucket trying to make it fit, and force it. And he said, You have to take the big rocks first. And that's what you value, those are the things that are most important to you that you want to put your time and your energy into, and you have to put those in first. And then all the smaller rocks literally fit in, it's wild. But if you put all the little rocks and all the little stuff in first, then none of the big rocks will fit and you'll never have enough time, you'll never have enough energy. And it does take a paradigm shift. But that's even backing up again, like I said, to make space to actually go inside and go, Okay, what is it? What is it that I truly want? Or what is it that I value? What is most important to me, and then having to let go of those old behavioral patterns and the old narrative that goes on in your head? Because that's what's taking up space, by the way, those old habits also. But if you can put that that aside for a moment, and then it'll shifts. It shifts.
Maren Oslac:
So when you say the old narrative in your head, Do
Stephanie Allen:
There is not enough time! Not enough time. you have.... I'm getting older. That's why my knees hurt, and it's just gonna get worse. Those are those are old narratives old paradigms, old ways. And so I will say how does that thought...first of all, how does that thought make you feel, like what kind of energy does it take from you when you think that thought because that's going to take up space, that's going to take energy from you, generally. And then to really look at it, when you think that thought, when there's not enough time, or, you know, my knees hurt that because I'm getting old and it's only gonna get worse - How does that make me behave? Maybe in the short term, it might motivate me to make some slight changes, but generally, for me anyway, personally, it makes me reactive. And then I do reactive behaviors. Oh, I better go to the gym. I'm not just gonna go to the gym and do a half an hour workout. No, I'm going to the gym and do a two and a half hour workout. I'm going to like restrict my diet. I'll go whole hog in and then all of a sudden my knees hurt even more. I'm like, this was counterproductive now, wasn't it? Instead of saying, well, is that true? How does that make me feel? It makes me feel old. And if it makes me feel old, I'm either going to over strive or under deliver, I'm going to do the opposite. I'm just going to sit and wallow in self pity. Because my life is over and I'm getting old and I've already got myself buried. You know, my funeral has already happened. And that I mean, that's depressing. Or I go...Wait a minute. That's not really true. It doesn't have to be. What if I could be present to what I love and like? I had this conversation with my niece the other day. I'm like, because I was pushing. I was doing that. I'm like, oh my god, I'm gonna get old you think this is gonna get better? I'm like, wait a minute. I had to almost think of what is it that I value? I value movement. I love to move. Inwardly and outwardly dance all I love to move. I'm like, right? I love this. Well, do I have to move like, the Energizer Bunny, probably not. I can move slowly, I can move mindfully. I can move quickly, I can move so many different ways. But really, the value is that I love to move. So when I embody that I love to move it all of a sudden gives me freedom. I'm not limited. And my behavior changes. I'm not in reaction, I'm actually in responsiveness. So I become responsible. And when I make choices that are more reactive, I can go.... wait, stop, I'd love to move. Is this going to help me come closer to that value of health and well being? Or is it going to take me further away. And without shame, but just that now I'm giving myself freedom and choice. And it changes everything.
Maren Oslac:
And the whole like attracts like. So when you come from a place of I'm getting old, you will attract other people who think like that, you'll attract experiences in your life. To prove that to you, you'll attract all of the stuff in alignment with I'm getting old. When you say I love to move, you'll attract people who also love to move. Movement in your surroundings, and all of the experiences to bolster that to then also to say.... Oh, that's what she wants to do. So now there's movement everywhere. And guess what? That person's not getting old, because they're not aligning with that. So it's just such ahhhhhhh! We do think of life as this outer thing. And it's a both/and , there's the outer and the inner work that we keep talking about. The other day, I just gave a client of mine an assignment to take an entire day. And I've done this with people take an entire day, taking an entire week, whatever you have space for, take an hour of your day, whatever. And literally write down all the thoughts that come into your brain. You won't get all of them. And one of the things you'll notice is what are the most repetitive ones. Like Stephanie said, Oh, I'm on my knees hurt because I'm old. What do you tell yourself? What are you telling others? I write them down. And then look at.... Is that who I want to be? Are those aligned with my values? And maybe then you need to take out a different piece of paper and say, what are my values? Right? It is a really powerful exercise. And we don't realize how much the same exact thing we say to ourselves and to others over and over and it defines our life. I actually do this exercise for myself on a fairly regular basis.
Stephanie Allen:
That's great. That's great. I mean, I can hear my own thoughts going, God, I don't think I think I'd get writer's cramp if I sat down. Again that's another thought, isn't it? It's like, is that true? I don't know if that's true. It's a good practice to empty one's mind. And I know some of you're saying out there....I can't empty my mind. You aren't your mind by the way. Our minds. We're swimming, we're all swimming in the mind.
Maren Oslac:
So I do I do want to point out that you could use this as an " Mind Emptying' activity like a meditation The purpose of that I was speaking to is actually having it be....I want to notice, what are my repetitive themes? What do I always tell myself, because those are the things that are actually running your life. And you don't realize it, they're running it under the radar, we can't run everything, you know, it's like, you don't tell your heart to beat, it beats. You don't tell yourself, you know, like, Okay, I need to take a breath right now. I need to take a breath or you know, like it, there are things that go on autopilot. Most of our life is on autopilot. And all of those subconscious things that we tell ourselves on a daily basis. So the goal of this is to is to actually recognize or acknowledge or start to notice, what are the themes that I that I tell myself that I don't even realize that I told myself and start to make it conscious. Everything's going somewhere, you're going in the direction of those things. Are they where you really want to be going? Put yourself in choice, right?
Stephanie Allen:
Yeah, and this can work in the other way, too. I look at chronic pain, or, and it could be in the body, but it could also be something that's not working in your life. I often will say, OK! What thought is creating that situation? So going back to my knees, right? I'm like, What the heck, I can be angry at my knees, but that's not going to make them feel any better. I I think that's what we're seeing with our thoughts, it is coming into relationship with them and see, what are the commonalities, like what are the same kind of thoughts over and over and over again, and those will actually create a behavior and they'll create a reality. And you can work it backwards to you can go from the reality, hey, this is my reality right now. And I don't like it, whatever that might be. It's like, illness, relationship, money, you know, whatever, whatever it is, whatever the reality is, and then work it back and say, Okay, what behaviors am I creating, and what am I thinking from that and, and change it, and just automatically just maybe think.... Hey, make this kind of a fun little game and say..... well, what if I changed my thought, and then I match the behavior to that thought, to create a different reality, just to see what happens?
Maren Oslac:
Yeah, there's many roads to this particular Rome. And it's, it's kind of a fun thing. And it does you know, to take it back to the beginning. It's one of the ways that we can get out of the either or that it's this or it's that. It's like, what's actually going on right now? And where do I want to go? And now, right, wrong, good, bad. Whatever, this is what's happening. And that's where I want to go. So let's focus on those things. And do our best to let go of the the inner critic that wants to judge us for all the bad things that we've done to get ourselves here, right. So let go of all of that as much as possible. And just focus on Okay, no, this is where I want to go.
Stephanie Allen:
And retirement, for those of you who are listening to that, I mean, that what a great opportunity to then go inward. And so what are my values? And, you know, it's amazing how you you change the internal and the external will change.
Maren Oslac:
And continuing doesn't have to look like work. That's an old paradigm. That's a that's one of those, huh? How could I continue and not have it feel like, I'm working so hard? And at the same time, I'm still evolving. Maybe it could be
Stephanie Allen:
and totally supported in my life?
Maren Oslac:
I mean, look at kids. Kids evolve, and they play. The way that kids evolve, is that they play. We lose that as adults. Maybe retirement is about getting that back. That would be fun.
Stephanie Allen:
Yeah. Re-Creation = recreation.
Maren Oslac:
I love it. I love it. Well, I hope everybody has fun this week, playing with either making a list of the things that are going on in your head or looking at what's going on out there and kind of diving backwards into finding out what's the thought that's creating it, or just maybe even looking at how do I play at my work. So we're so grateful that you guys are joining us every week and we look forward to seeing you next week on the soulful leader podcast. If you'd like to, you can always join us on our Facebook page or LinkedIn page at the thesoulfulleaders. Thanks so much
Stephanie Allen:
and that wraps up another episode of the soulful leader podcast with your hosts, Stephanie Allen and
Maren Oslac:
Maren Oslac. Thank you for listening. If you'd like to dive deeper, head over to our website at the soulful leader podcast.com.