The Soulful Leader Podcast
The Soulful Leader Podcast
When Old Patterns Knock Again
“Why is that coming up AGAIN? I dealt with that!”
Have you felt like that? You think, ‘I've been here. I've done this already.’
When that shows up, do you get frustrated, assume you did something wrong and beat yourself up about it? Or do you get curious and excited?
Today’s podcast will give you a perspective that goes beyond the judgement of right and wrong; a perspective that will empower and liberate you AND you’ll even begin to find joy in those normally irritating repeat offenders!
Maren and Stephanie bring their insights, wisdom and humor to this timeless tale to both help you see the opportunities and own the results of the work you put in.
They share a ton of great questions like, “what if it's that I did something right and I've grown into the next level of this challenge?” and “Ok, I've been here before, (even if it's something magnificently wonderful) what were the conditions, the skills that I was practicing that perhaps led me to this?”
If the old ‘why me’ story is no longer working for you …and you’re willing to do a bit of introspection, today’s podcast will literally change your life.
- 0:31 Opportunities that live in your “same old, same old”
- 6:35 Alternatives to your judgements and assumptions
- 10:23 You know where that train goes
- 16:05 You’re giving away your free will
- 17:03 What are you believing right now? Empowering or disempowering?
- 18:41 What if you DID know?
- 21:09 Getting unstuck
- 27:07 Where will you be in 20 years?
Please share your insights and questions in one of our Soulful Leaders groups:
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Watch the podcasts on our YouTube Channel: @Soulful Leaders
In a world where we have everything and it's still not enough, we're often left wondering, is this really it? Deep inside, you know there's more to life. You're ready to leave behind the old push your way through and claim the deeper, more meaningful life that's calling you. That's what we invite you to explore with us. We're your hosts, Stephanie Allen and Maren Oslac, and this is The Soulful Leader Podcast. Yay! Welcome back to The Soulful Leader Podcast. I'm Maren, and I'm here with Stephanie, and the thing we wanted to talk about today is when you come back around to something in your life that you felt like you've dealt with, you're like, I've been here. I've done this already. How frustrating is that? And what do you do with that? So before we came on, Stephanie and I were talking about, when you're looking at 20 years in the future. 20 years goes by in a blink first of all. Where do you want to be in 20 years? So where do those two things intersect? And for me, what I was thinking about was... so often I feel like I've come back around, as if I'm like, oh god, why do I have to deal with that again? It showed up in my life again. And there are two things about that. One of them is that, is it truly that it's showing up again, or is it something slightly different, because I've already worked through one layer of it and another layer. It's an opportunity for me, rather than looking at it like, oh, I don't want to deal with that. I've dealt with it once. And the other thing is, if I had a clearer intention going into whatever that was in my life, maybe it would have looked different. So I opened all kinds of cans of worms here. Yeah, I want to even just drop into that. You know, when something turns up again, like a pattern in your life, and you, we tend, or at least I go there too. I'll beat myself up about it. I'm like, Oh, my God, this again. I thought I got through this. And I just want to clarify that, because I think you're right. A lot of times we think I must have done something wrong or I didn't get it the first time. I think we're... that's like black and white, thinking. It's very, very... there's no space for you to actually, maybe it's coming up at a higher level, a different nuance. Or maybe, I call it like post test. Maybe it's like giving you an opportunity to integrate the very things that you learned for the first time, to now apply them in real life situation, so that it isn't about right or wrong or good or bad or black and white thinking it's a growth opportunity. So learning opportunity? Yeah, I love that concept of the post test, of what that means, of like, okay, I've done all the work, and now I get to own the results of it. And then I also, you know, one of the things I was talking to somebody else about this this morning, and one of the things I said is, we have these assumptions that when something good in our life happens, quote unquote good, we've judged it as good, like... Woohoo, good for me! And when something quote unquote bad in our life happens, it means we've done something wrong or we've messed up. I made the wrong decision. I didn't listen. I didn't, you know... and I do love the concept of, what if it's that I did something right? What if it's that I've learned what I needed to learn. I've grown into this additional challenge to the next level of it, so that I can receive the gifts, so that I can move to the next one. You know, it's like there's so many other possibilities than this judgment. Because the judgment is, yes, it's on the outer thing, like, oh, that's a bad event. And yet so much of that judgment gets flipped back on me, like, I must have, I did something, and then it's a downward spiral instead of an upward spiral. Yeah, yeah. I think so when you say downward spiral and upward spiral is like, you know, for me, it's about awareness. We either, you know, kind of go, and I don't even want to use the word, but I'm going to use it... go back to an old way of being. What we're really saying is that we're, we're practicing an old habit. It would be the downward spiral. Versus the upward spiral of saying, okay, this is an opportunity to actually become aware. And again, whether it's good or bad or right or wrong, or left or right, or up or down, you say... okay, I'm in this situation. I've been here before. What are you doing with your awareness? Even if it's something magnificently wonderful, are you able to drop into your awareness of like, huh, what were the conditions? What were the... what were the... the skills that I was practicing that perhaps even led me to this or not practicing. It could be something that you've let go of too, that you no longer attract the same old, same old, because you let go of an old habit, and I think with the awareness that kindness it allows you to really integrate it, to become whole with it, rather than just kind of feel like your life is just bouncing around from one thing to another. A lot of people, a lot of people do that. They just like, it's like, we either go into figuring it out, I gotta figure this out, and we get into our head or into our past, which you can't figure things out from the past because you've already been there and you've already read the book and got the t-shirt and did the tour, so it's like you don't... and yet I say that in the way of awareness is that you can go on and read a book again, or do the tour or do the event again, but from a different awareness, because you're not the same, and so it's always different. It's always different because you're never ever the same twice. I think a lot of that speaks to what I was saying at the very beginning of if I had more attention on my intention. How could I have done it differently? Not from a place of judgment, I'm like, oh, I didn't do it good enough. I'm being punished, you know, like I messed up... all of the the mind chatter, instead coming from that place of higher awareness of I like the you know, like, what did I let go of so that I'm not in the same old, same old? What did, what do I want to add so that next time I'm not in the same old, what, you know, like, how do I... am I aware of the the practices that I either do or want to let go of to keep me in the upward spiral. And if I do end up in the low in the downward spiral into the like the old person, it's like, oh, I've been on this train before. I know where this train goes. I've been this person before. I know how this ends. Okay, great. How do I get off? Yeah, what do I need to become? Who do I need to become? And what are the skills that I've developed, and that all takes introspection, self awareness and willingness. And I'm seeing so many people. I think part of the frustration for me right now is so many people are wanting to just check out, because we're in a hard time in history, and when you check out, I don't know that it helps. Well it doesn't, because when you check out, what is operating your vehicle, you know, who is living in your consciousness? What is living in your consciousness? You basically, you know, Elvis has left the building, you know, and it's like, and something is using that energy and attention, yeah, and we have so much, we have so much magic and mystery, and I think we would surprise ourselves. I know I surprised myself. It's like there are times when I've been caught in a very repetitive pattern, and when I use the introspection and the self awareness and in my awareness, and I catch it, and I go...wait a minute. I've been here before. I just stop, take a breath, make some space inside myself. I'm like, okay, how have I acted in the past? What have I done in the past? And that doesn't work. It doesn't work. And so what is being required of me in this moment? What new behavior could I practice right here, right now, in order to change the outcome? And again, that kind of sounds like controlling, but I think I'm not even trying to figure it out. Sometimes I just, I just hold the question. And a lot of times, if I just totally trust that that question will be answered, it's given to me, shown to me, or I hear it or I feel it and again, totally allowing that part of like, well, there's no mistakes, even if I do it just ever so slightly different than what I did in the past. It's slightly different. It's enough. And I'm sure I'll given another chance at it again too. So it's like, I can tweak it. Yeah, but I think, I think we don't take that time to assess or evaluate, because we're so riddled with shame, with it has to be perfect, that we just carry on moving on, instead of saying, hey, good job. Like, good job, you really messed up there. Good job. Let's look at this like, what did you learn or what? And who's to say that we messed up? I don't know. Yeah, and that's why I say we judge something as good or bad, and yet, it's not the thing out there that truly gets judged. It's us. And we take on that shame and blame, and then we end up being afraid to move forward, because we're like, oh, but I goofed. I messed up. Well, like you said, who says? What if, like, I said before, like, what if t's actually because you did something so well that this is coming back around for you as as an opportunity, as a gift, as a next layer? One of the questions I like asking myself is, and this is a newer phenomenon for me. I'd say, in the last like two years, I've gotten more comfortable saying asking myself this is like, what if this is the best thing that ever happened to me? What if this is life working for me? Those are great questions. Because in the past, I would, I mean, like I was such the grumpy person who is like, ah, life is so hard. And you know, it like the Murphy's Law, if it will go wrong, if it could go wrong, it will go wrong. And that's going to be my life. And guess what? It was until I decided to do it differently. And one of the major linchpins you know, like, one of those things that that made it all happen, was that thought of like, okay, I know where that train goes. I know the Maren who believes that I know what her life is like, the Maren who looks at life and says, huh, what if it is a friendly universe, and this is the best thing, this is life looking out for me, what would that be like? Well, what, what is that Maren life like? It's much more fun. I really like that. I think that's great. I am speaking to a client the other day, and was talking about being upset with someone, and I said, well, you know, have you voiced it? Oh my gosh, I voiced it so many times, and they still don't listen. And I said, well, how did you voice it? You know, like, which part of it? Like, where did it come from? From within you? Did it come from that place of like, oh, they're never gonna listen to me anyway, so I might as well just say it. Or did it come from a place that was frustrated and angry and feeling like a victim, or did it come from a place of absolute self-empowerment and self-love, not self entitlement, but just self love. Because I think when we push it through a different channel, and I want to say, push it through, but when it comes through a different channel, it sounds differently. It's received differently. And I know for myself, when I was struggling with something, I kept saying, well, what is my intention? What is my... what is the quality I want to be? Well, I want to be loving. I want to be kind. Well, okay, what would loving and kind do right now? How would love and kindness show up to this situation? And it's not just the outer aspect of how I would show up to the outer situation, that person, that thing, whatever, it's also how would love and kindness show up to me inside myself? So it's both an inner and an outer direction. And I feel like if we can make space for those questions and slow down to make you know, to have just a little introspection, a little dropping in and awareness, then we can reorient ourselves on that map and maybe miss the chasm that we might fall in. And so what you fell in the chasm? It could be a good adventure. Who knows? It might take you in a totally different road, if all roads lead home, yeah, you know, doesn't matter, does it? Does it really, no, not really. Doesn't really matter that one might have a little bit more bumps and but sometimes that's where the adventure is too, rather than just the straight road to Rome. You know, it's like... I think if we could let that go and just be in the awareness of, like, okay, like, not if it's meant to be, it's meant to be kind of attitude, but it's like it, it really is okay, whatever I choose or don't choose. If and when I actually can take some time to be introspected and ask myself, what did I discover? What did I learn? Because then, when you do that, you integrate it and you level yourself, and it doesn't have to be so painful. It can be exciting instead. Yeah, I think that that's really the key...is the doing it with awareness. You know, when we said earlier about checking out, when we check out, we check, we check our awareness out the door. Our body is still here. We're still doing the stuff, and we've checked out our awareness, and that's where it gets to be really painful, and we don't end up growing. Then it does... I don't want to say it matters what you do. It's still that, you know, it's like, okay, maybe it doesn't matter what you do or you don't do. It just is. It's not going to get you to where you want to go because you're like, you said it earlier, like, when you're checked out, who checked in? Who's driving the car? Something's driving the bus. And it's using your energy and using your you know, I mean, so you, you've given your.... we use this word, uh, I think last month we talked about sovereignty, right? We've given away our sovereignty. And what that means is you've given away your free will. You've given away your choice to somebody else, and then you feel, you know, like, so often from there, we feel self righteous about our anger of like... going if you say, yeah, I want that to...well, yeah, because we've taken on the victim and who wants to give up control? We all want, we're all control freaks out there. We want to control, right? But we haven't learned how to control in a way that is more loving and kind and through awareness. It's like, there's, there's the act of surrender, which actually is an extraordinary act of presence. be true, why? And does, You don't surrender without being aware. So it's like, you're not saying how I give up and I give in. That's not what surrender is. It's like... it's the same as of, you know, control. It's like, okay, my control is the question I'm asking myself. What is ...what am I believing right now? Like when I see somebody like, again, this, this happened with me. I was having a conversation, and the person all of a sudden start bawling their eyes out over a very simple... what I would have interpreted this is a judgment of mine...of something very simple. And so I just stopped and said, what are you believing right now? Because I have a different belief system than what you are right now, because I'm seeing... my belief is like, this is no big deal, but obviously it's a big, hairy, audacious deal to you, because so what are you believing about it? And the person was like, I don't know. I don't know. And I'm like, I wonder what would have happened if they just gave themselves a little bit of space to go. Yeah, that's interesting. What am I believing? Because it created an emotional response to me. And if we can create that space, I think that person would have found so much of the rootedness of what the belief and how that belief system, you know, maybe I'm not good enough, or I'm getting too old, or I'm stupid, or all these different things. I think there's a lot of things, and it would show how it's showing up in every area of that person's life. Yeah. And if you can house clean that, if you can go in and you can catch it, then you unplug it, you release it, and it no longer runs you. It no longer takes your sovereignty, no longer takes your free will, and now you become empowered. And that is what I'm talking about, control of, like going inside and creating some space that you're in... your within your control, and to really drop in and have the awareness to ask the question, what am I believing right now? And how is that belief empowering me or disempowering me? What is it doing? share ideas for you to play with, and questions that you can ask yourselves and maybe one of the places you're stuck is, how do I apply that? Like, what does that mean in my daily every day, like, get up, I have to go to work and make things work... Yeah, because it is a practice. It doesn't just and, and like any good athlete or musician or actor or any any great person who's moving towards mastery always has a coach or somebody. And I think we forget that how much we actually do need human beings. We need each other to check in on each other to because it's really easy to get into stinking thinking and go down a very dark, dark tunnel for a long time, and you know, this is kind of the foundation of mental mental illness right now, and anxiety and depression, it's like we haven't been proficient to be able to look within and ask questions, maybe because somebody else hasn't created that space to ask them that question to you and have you self reflect and I think that's where it begins. It's hard to do it with ourselves, all by ourselves. It is, you know that little saying, 'Who are you when no one's looking', it's... but when you have somebody's looking, you show up differently. You show up and you're like, oh, I feel like I'm pushed against the wall. I gotta look at this right now. And that can feel uncomfortable, and that's okay, because that uncomfortability is actually helping you look at something that is probably disempowering you or or even when it's empowering you to have someone to say, oh, way to go. Like, something really great happened in your life, and you're, you know, really excited. It's like, what were you... so tell me, like, what was it that you were imagining or thinking or believing? This is how we learn from each other, right? We start, when some, like years ago, I remember living out west and having a really successful practice, a business. And then I left, I went to LA and it freaking bombed, like it just bombed. And then I ended up back on the other end of the of the country, in Nova Scotia in Canada, years later, and I'm like, I realized that I did not know how I did what I did when it grew. I would just say it was just luck, it was just a fluke, but it wasn't. I was a different person than when I moved down south and tried to set up my business again, I was a different person, but I wasn't the same person that was successful. And so when I moved back to the East Coast again, and I was able to observe how I was down south and how I was out west, two totally different people. I was then able to cultivate, but that I didn't just do that by myself. I had, I had some pretty good, you know, people in my life that were helping hold space for me to do that so that I wouldn't beat myself up. And I think it's really important. So if you don't have that, you know, we can help you with that, and we can help you find people to help you with that, right? So if we can't help you, we'll find people who can help you with it, because it's important, the world needs all of our lights. And I love that story, because one of the things we started, I started off the whole conversation with, is like, where are you going to be in 20 years? Like 20 years goes by in a blink and so if you're not the one, if you've checked out, and you're not the one driving your car, who's driving it, what's what's going to happen to you? And we... it is important that you reflect in order to go forward and also hold... like there's all these parts, and it's so fascinating, and obviously we love it a lot. So just as a kind of a bug in your all's ear as you're listening. We do have a year long mastermind that we do that's stupidly reasonable. So if you're interested in that, it has recently opened up again for 2026... I hate even saying those numbers. Wow, that's amazing. 2026 so if you're interested in that, visit our website. We would love to hear from you. So visit our website anyway,
https://tslp.life/ because we're all about being in life and living life to the fullest. You can also find us on Facebook and on LinkedIn at The Soulful Leaders. Look forward to seeing you all next week on The Soulful Leader Podcast. And that wraps up another episode of the Soulful Leader Podcast with your hosts, Stephanie Allen and Maren Oslac. Thank you for listening. If you'd like to dive deeper, head over to our website, at www.thesoulfulleaderpodcast.com. Until next time...