The Soulful Leader Podcast
The Soulful Leader Podcast
The Goal Trap
Have you ever felt frustrated with goal setting?
Thinking ‘here I go again, next goal, next goal’?
Today, Maren & Stephanie offer an alternative to the on-going and soul sucking goal/achievement loop.
“How many amazing achievers have gone out there, achieved their goal and think, great... now what? Is this it?” ~ Stephanie J. Allen
Whether you’ve used SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound) goals, tend towards BHAGs (Big Hairy Audacious Goals) or feel ‘done’ with goals all together, this conversation holds keys for you.
Using metaphors, insights and the concrete example of losing weight, Stephanie and Maren bring an entirely different way of thinking to the table, a deeper level of internal metamorphosis.
Have you experienced the “I want to lose weight. I go on a diet, I do all the things I lose weight. Oh shit, it's back” yoyo? What if you could address that from a completely different place that's actually going to up level you?
This is not a “don't set goals” podcast, it’s an option that goes beyond what society offers.
If stepping into a deeper version of goals, and of yourself, is of interest, you’ll want to tune in!
- 2:51 Beyond SMART Goals
- 6:45 The myth of guaranteed results
- 8:25 Being more than we think we can
- 12:32 Developing the skills to get there
- 16:48 Losing weight and The conversation with Life
- 21:17 Up-leveled goal setting
Please share your insights and questions in one of our Soulful Leaders groups:
Get all the latest episodes, news and updates directly to your inbox. Subscribe here. TheSoulfulLeaderPodcast.com
Watch the podcasts on our YouTube Channel: @Soulful Leaders
In a world where we have everything and it's still not enough, we're often left wondering, is this really it deep inside? You know, there's more to life you're ready to leave behind the old push your way through and claim the deeper, more meaningful life that's calling you. That's what we invite you to explore with us. We're your hosts, Stephanie Allen and Maren Oslac, and this is The Soulful Leader Podcast. Yay! Hi. Welcome to The Soulful Leader Podcast. We're going to be talking about something very obvious, around trying to reach a goal and maybe struggling to get there. And we're going to literally approach this from a very non-obvious way. And why I say that is that there are lots of things out there on the internet on how to reach your goals, there's a lot of workshops, there's a lot of training, there's a lot of books. And yet, if those all were working, we all would have manifested what we're, you know... we all manifest what our ideals are already. So, what if there was a different way that is totally unique to you and to each and every one of us? And I thought, what a great way to unfold, maybe some new ways of wiring our brain and experiencing something that's very much uplifting and motivational. I love that. I think that we... we do.... I mean, not everything is meant to happen all at once. What I mean is the reason that there's so much material out there around goals and goal setting is because we're at different points in our life, and, like, everybody's at a different point in their lives. And you know, a teenager is just learning about that, whereas somebody in their 30s has been setting goals for a while. Somebody in their 50s is like, I'm so done with goals, right? Because, and I say that as somebody in their 50s, and I did, probably in my 30s, decide I'm so done with goals, because they weren't working for me. And yet, there does need to be all this material out there, because everybody's at a different place. So it's not a right or wrong. We're not saying that setting goals and doing things is right or wrong. It just is. Maybe you're at that point now in your life where you're going, you know what? I've been there, I've done that, and it doesn't work for me, and I don't want to do it the same old way. There's got to be another way. Maybe it's been working for me, and there's something else, and this is that something else which is kind of exciting, and, you know, it doesn't, it doesn't speak to everybody. So when I think of, you know, the most common one, when I think of goal setting, is smart setting, SMART goals. And that means, as an acronym, it's specific, meaning you're very clear about what it is you want and very... it's measurable. The M is measurable meaning that there's a way of tracking your progress. It's achievable, which is the A, which means it's realistic and attainable within your resources and abilities. Then it's R for relevant it aligns with your overall objectives, and it contributes towards your vision, that that which you want to live into. And it's also time bound, meaning that there's an actual deadline, so there's an accountability to it too. These are all really great, very rational ways of getting to your goals. However... I noticed that you were laughing maybe with the one you were laughing about... oh, achievable. I think of achievable, right? Yeah. And so I was gonna say is, like, you know, the biggest one I'm laughing about is achievable. Because really, what Maren and I are about as a Soulful Leader is transcending and including, you know, our gifts and strengths and all that, but actually becoming, and I don't want to say more than what we are, but becoming who we're actually being called to become. I wouldn't say more. I just say greater than, right? So, like, I think that, especially anybody who's listening to us, they are looking to break out like there is something more that's calling me, yeah, right. We both believe that, you know, we're here for a reason. There's there's a reason we're here, and that's not always very obvious about why we're here. And I don't really think it's supposed to be obvious, because I think it would scare the bejesus out of most of us, because it's going to require that we have to let go of who we think we are. It's like, what I mean by that is like, we have these personality or we have these gifts and strengths, and we're like, yeah, but I'm really good at this, or I really am that kind of person in this kind of environment. I don't want to change that. And we're not necessarily saying that you have to change it, but we're talking about transcending meaning, including it, and transforming it, making it more deep and more broad than what it is right now, and also then connect with in being in service, yes, to something greater than what you can even imagine right now. I just want to go back to transcend and include, because that's something that we say a lot, and it means something to us. And I just want to kind of help everybody out there that maybe like, it sounds like jargon, because it is. It's our jargon. Yeah, yeah. It means becoming more than and also not letting go of who.. like you.. you don't... your essence, right? Yeah. So if you think of nesting dolls, right? It's not saying I'm going to become something different. It's the next level of the nesting doll. So I get to keep all of the skills and all of the awesomeness that I already am, and I get to be bigger and better than ever, right? So it's yeah, you grow. I grow, and I become something even more, even bigger, even better, like transcend, means that it's, it's more than I can actually comprehend. Yeah, so when we come back to achievable, and it's meaning attaining, you know, attaining a goal within your resources and abilities, I'm like, that's, that's bullshit. That's absolutely, it's like, really, I actually need to source out, yeah, I gotta stretch. I gotta step out of my comfort zone. I need to source out new resources. I need to grow new abilities or strengthen the ones I already have to even, like, grow them. So I'm like, I'm when I think of SMART goals. It's like, you're just, like, in a very flat land, there's no hills, there's no valleys, there's no turns. It's just flat, flat, like a desert, boring flat. Well, and I think maybe, and I don't know this for sure, you know, it's like we tend to like guaranteed results, which the reason we tend to like it is because we've been conditioned to like it. It's actually not satisfying. When you get a guaranteed result, you might get a quick dopamine hit, but then you're on to the next thing, like, yeah, that's when, if you've ever eaten an entire bag of chips, guess what? I have! First of all, guaranteed result. Pop it in your mouth. Oh, that tastes so good. Second of all, not satisfying. I need another one. Third of all now I feel sick. Now I've eaten the whole bag and like, Why did I even bother do that? I regret it. I'm not happy. I wasted my time. I wasted my energy. I feel like my resource, like all of the stuff well, like... How many amazing achievers have gone out there, achieved their goal and go, great... now what? This is it? And the addiction that we get into is because, like, that wasn't it, that wasn't it, that wasn't it, that wasn't it. And so SMART goals are not so smart. They have their place. So here's the deal, I think that they have their place. And for me, their place is within a bigger set of goals. So when I need to get to the next step, I might. I might employ a SMART goal. I might not. And so here's the thing too, is that when we're talking about how we are presencing, becoming who we're actually meant to become in this life, I can't figure that out. I'm not supposed to figure it out, but the DNA coding is within me, just like within a butterfly, the DNA coding is already is the caterpillar inside. So the caterpillar has the intelligence to actually become the butterfly it, but it forgets. It doesn't remember it's supposed to become. So it goes through a lot of processes, and then poof, it becomes this butterfly. And I'm sure it has a few things to say about that process, but from the butterflies point of view, it's extraordinary. It's like they've gone from a whole bunch of legs, you know, face down on the ground, to absolute freedom and flying in multiple dimensions and in ways. And I truly believe that's a metaphor for our humanity. Is that we are actually meant to evolve. So I want to use that with the SMART goals. Because if you're a caterpillar and you're setting SMART goals, there's no vision of becoming a butterfly. There's no oh, I think I want to fly one day. The SMART goal would be, I want to eat that next leaf. Oh, maybe I get to that plant. You're like, maybe the Big Hairy Audacious Goal for the for the those are another type of goal that you can set Big Hairy Audacious Goals. Maybe that would be like, oh, I want to get to that plant over there and eat that leaf. There is no concept for a caterpillar of what it might be to become a butterfly. And that's part of the reason that when they go into their cocoon, their own immune system, right, tries to kill off the vision, the idea of becoming a butterfly, and when I was trying earlier to find an example of transcendence, that's a perfect example of transcendence, right? The butterfly still has the essence of the caterpillar in it. It's transcended and included. It used everything that the caterpillar collected in order to become, it needed all of that, to become the butterfly, and SMART goals don't help us to tap into that. So what? Exactly, exactly. And so when I think of SMART goals, it's like the caterpillar, and it's on a flat land, and it's looking for the next, the next leaf to eat. And so the future's in front of it, and the past is behind it. And they just keep, you know, going through the same old cycles. And I think we can often feel that way so many times in our own life, it's like, okay, here I go again. Next goal, next goal. What if this is the non-obvious thing? What if, actually, our past is beneath our feet, it's underneath us. It's below us. It's of which we are standing on. All the choices that we made or didn't make are all underneath us. So it's like a support system. It's a support system so it's not right or wrong or good or bad, it's where we are now, but our dreams, our goals and ideals are above us, but we can't see them. Doesn't mean that that we and we're not meant to figure that out, because we've never been there before. And if we've been there before, well then it's not really above us, is it? It's right in front of us. It's our present. So it's like what we want to do is imagine that there is a higher a higher calling, a higher purpose to our life, a higher mission, vision, all those parts, and it's above us, and we haven't been there. And so can we be present long enough to be in the unknown, in the uncertainty, there's going to be practices to do that. And so in order to go to the next level, which is above us, we've got to raise our standards, meaning, if you're accepting less than what you're worth, and you might be saying, well, I don't even know what I'm worth, well, then if you say that, you probably are accepting less than what you're worth. And so, like discovering what does that even mean? So being in the question, yeah, being the question, being in the unknown. You say that there, there has to be some processes, right? You have to right... now we, we know how to live in this flat, horizontal, be the caterpillar, get the next thing on this level, right? So there, there, there is a different skill set for raising above that and saying, okay, I can have all of this and more, and be that, that higher version of myself, be the butterfly version of myself, and even the caterpillar, it goes into a practice, into a cocoon, right? That's right where it has practices that it's doing to become and evolve. So I loved where you were going with that of the standards of standing on something and having practices to help us to what does that mean to have a practice? Do you have...so for you, what does that mean for you to have now, for to have a practice? I think there's a practice of not figuring something out. Now, when I say that, it's like, you know, I gotta have the answer. I gotta figure this out. I gotta what's my next step, all those different things. Well, we are trained that way. I have to have a practice... exactly. That's how I'm trained. So that training has been such the default. So when I don't have an answer to something, or I don't know which direction I need to go, there can be some anxiety about that, because that's how I'm trained. And so having a practice of being sitting in the uncomfortability that would be the caterpillar in the chrysalis, sitting in uncomfortability, knowing that there's change that needs to happen, that there's space that needs to happen. Can I be uncomfortable without fixing or forcing something? So I love been needing to just achieve another goal. Right? That you also have to be aware, meaning you're present enough for what is coming towards you. So again, you're sitting on the ground, on your foundation, but there's something above you that's actually reaching down to pull you up, not pull you forward in that way, in that directional but actually evolve. But if I'm not, if I'm not practicing being aware that that even exists, then I'm not looking for it, or I'm not ready for it when it comes, I'm distracted. And that's what our world does. It completely distracts us, this thing over here and that shiny object over there, and this da-da-daa, just because I can do all those things doesn't mean I should. And so to be able to sit and totally not feel guilty about doing no-thing I didn't say doing nothing, I'm doing no-thing I am still and present like a cat waiting for the mouse at the mouse hole. The cat looks totally chill. It's relaxed. It almost looks like it's sleeping, but what it's actually doing is it's drawing energy towards it, so that when that mouse pops out, you can damn well know that cat is freaking ready, and it's going to spring like a spring loaded gun. Like, it's going to be like a mouse trap. There it is, bam, gone. We don't learn how to do that. No, we learn how to spend our life force instead of, like, yeah, condensation of like, pulling it in and being still in order to have it there when we need it. There are two things that as you were talking I was thinking about. One of them is there still needs to be a towards place, meaning that there needs to be an intention. So we're not saying that you just let go of all your goals and just float through the river of life, right? Like if it's meant to be, it's meant to be, whatever it will be, it'll just happen. It doesn't. You also have to practice being awake and aware, right? So we are co creators in our lives, meaning that we're in a conversation with life of I say, you know what? I'd I'd really like to... I'm going to use traditional language, which is, lose some weight. I want to I want to drop 10 pounds. Well, technically, I don't want to drop 10 pounds, because when I lose weight or I drop something, my brain says, oh, we should pick that back up again, so we're going to lighten up. So if I say, okay, I want to lighten up. And so that might be part of the conversation that I've already been in of I say to the universe, I want to lose 10 pounds, and the universe says, back are you sure you want to lose it because we might find that again? and we might find 20 actually, right? You know, we want to help you out here. And you think, Oh, yeah. So I'm like, okay, well, that was a helpful key and trick. Let's, let's up level that my goal, quote, unquote, goal, my intention. And say, Okay, well then let's, let's lighten up a little bit. Now I'm in a bigger conversation, because lightening up applies to lots of things in my life. And suddenly I'm in a bigger conversation of, oh, that might mean letting go of some of the internal baggage that I have and I'm having this whole deeper conversation, which is what I was meant to have in the first place. Well, your behavior changes, like when you lighten up, how you are present to someone or something. You show up differently. You're more lighthearted. You might laugh more, you might play more. You might enjoy your life more. You're lightening up, right, which is exactly what, and then all of a sudden, you're moving differently, you're breathing differently, you sleep differently, all these different things. And next thing you know, your nervous system is no no longer hijacked, so you don't have those hormones that are flowing, that are creating you to, like, have histamines and irritations to your bones and joints and inflammation happening all that goes away. So now you're not holding water weight. You're letting it go in the way. It's, like, it's, it's, it's washing away from you, yeah, shedding it. I love this, because this is exactly the deeper level, the metamorphosis. You are moving through a whole other level. Instead of flat land. I want to lose weight. I go on a diet, I do all the things I lose my weight. Oh shit, it's back, right? And we've all been there. And so what would it look like to address that from a completely different place of, okay, what if instead, I'm still, like you said, I'm in the conversation with life of, what do I need to know about this that's actually going to up level me, so that I'm actually standing on a totally different you know, if I think of a high rise building, and I've I've gone to the next level of the building, I'm on another floor, and I can see a higher perspective, and everything's changed, and all of those things that you've mentioned, those are things that they're not talked about, about losing weight and yet it is what allows us to lighten up and become a different person to, you can't fly as a butterfly with all of the weight of the caterpillar. You lighten up. Which is what happens. I think, you know, maybe that part in the chrysalis, I think there's always a part of us that's in a chrysalis that is holding on to something that we are being asked to transform. We're being asked to let it go. So all of us have, I think every single one of us has something that we are in, incubating in that chrysalis that is requiring us to transform something. We need to reach outside of our comfort zone. We need to let go and not try to figure something out and trust the unknown. And that takes practice, and that takes skill, and it takes help. I don't think we can do it on our own. I don't think we're supposed to do on our own. We're we're social beings. We're meant to have somebody who can coach us. It's like the butterfly on the other side of the chrysalis, that butterfly is saying, hey, you're gonna love it. It's amazing out here, you know, but inside the chrysalis, you're like, WTF. What the hell is this like? You know, I didn't ask for this. Why is this happening to me? And where's my goal setting list? And it's not working. So I want to go back to the one chunk that that a place where if you'd lightened up by 10 pounds, right? So people can start of that unknown and the stillness. And I think of that as what I also said before of the conversation. So it's, it's maybe not saying, don't... it is definitely not saying, don't set goals. That's not what we're saying. We're saying that, what would it look like to have an up level version of that that actually satisfies you? Instead of saying, Oh my and I love it, so I'm going to do it this time, literally, if God, that's not it, and just eating another one of those chips, right? Chips being the goals. So the skill to start to develop is sitting in the unknown instead of I want to lose 10 pounds and head down, butt up, go, go, go, do all the things. Say I wanted to lose 10 pounds. What does that look like? How might that be different in my life? And then you reach your hands up, yeah, you would feel somebody pulling you up, helping you. And so you pull down, and you add your own strength to their strength. And now look at that. You're on the new level. And so those are the things that being the detective in your life of finding those places that's like, oh, that helped me up to a different Ooh. I have a different concept of the oh, I thought about it like that. And now you're collecting that evidence of how to do it differently, and suddenly you'll find yourself you're not the same person that you were, and you're thinking about it differently, and you have a robustness that wasn't there before. And a presence to what wants to happen for you. Yes, instead of having your ego try to run the whole, you know, run the whole goal setting thing, the ego needs to be your friend within it, but it doesn't need to be the leader. Yeah, your heart and your soul is actually the leader. And that's hidden within us for a reason, so that we can have a practice to connect with it and ask the question, what wants to happen for us? Yeah, I think that just in what you just said, I think we could probably do three more podcasts, and we won't overwhelm you today. We'll let you chew on that. Don't you like that for the whole eat thing? Yeah, so you guys get to chew on that, and we'd love to hear your feedback on it. So if you would give us a drop us a note, either on Facebook or LinkedIn, where you can find us at The Soulful Leaders, or just email us at support@tslp.life So our... we, we have more than just the podcast. We're a whole project of Soulful Leadership, of really learning to lead from the inside out. And we have an email list. If you're new to the channel would like to join us. You can find us at tslp.life and we'd love to hear from you, so I'll see you next time on The Soulful Leader Podcast. And that wraps up another episode of The Soulful Leader Podcast with your host, Stephanie Allen and Maren Oslac. Thank you for listening. If you'd like to dive deeper, head over to our website, at the www.TheSoulfulLeader Podcast.com. Until next time...