The Soulful Leader Podcast
The Soulful Leader Podcast
Increase Your Bandwidth
Are you tired of fighting through life and work? Perpetually exhausted?
You’re not alone. It’s a messy world that seems to offer only two exhausting extremes: numbing out or fighting everything.
What if you could stay open-hearted in this messy world without carrying everyone else’s pain home with you?
This week, Stephanie and Maren dive into how to create a clear, livable path that transcends those extremes and puts you into the driver’s seat - living life full out.
Through candid stories and practical tools, leaders, helpers, and anyone who feels overwhelmed outside -and crowded inside- will find a grounded how-to, including: micro-pauses to regulate the nervous system, language that defuses the drama triangle, and practices that turn compassion into clarity.
If you’re looking for even more support, join the free 12 Days of Presence, where you build space for what you truly want without forcing goals or pretending the hard stuff isn’t there.
If you’re ready to live and feel, fully, without absorbing drama - and lead with compassion, without burning out, hit play. Then
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In a world where we have everything and it's still not enough, we're often left wondering, is this really it?
Maren:Deep inside, you know there's more to life. You're ready to leave behind the old push your way through and claim the deeper, more meaningful life that's calling you. That's what we invite you to explore with us. We're your hosts, Stephanie Allen and Maren Oslac and this is the Soulful Leader Podcast.
Stephanie:Yay! So have you ever been around a lot of people and they just... you just like it's driving me crazy. I need space. Or have said, I don't like people. I just want to be by myself. And maybe that's true. Maybe all these things are true. I'm curious though. I think where we get so hung up is that there's so much going on in the world today, we don't have a whole lot more space to handle more bad news.
Maren:Yeah, there's no bandwidth.
Stephanie:There's no bandwidth. And we have taken on the bad news. And we feel helpless and we help feel hopeless. And so what happens when we feel helpless and hopeless? We either give up and go away and isolate, or we try to fight everybody and kind of wave our flag and our banner and our you know get out there, which is great. But you know, I'm not saying right or wrong or good or bad, it wouldn't be either one of those. But it gets exhausting those two ways after a while. And what if there was another way?
Maren:I love that. So what are your thoughts on that? What's the other way that you're thinking about?
Stephanie:Well I just think of the other way. There are police officers that experience horrible things. There are prison guards, there are teachers, there are therapists, there are doctors, there are lawyers, there are all of those industries that we are all dealing with people's issues and the ramifications of people's issues. And yet we still need to be able to show up in our hearts with love and kindness and presence to be able to take the next action. Clearly. And then once all the day is done and we go home, we have to be with ourselves and we have to be with our loved ones. And hopefully we're bringing the best of us forward. The thing is, is that if we are carrying it, we can't. You know, it either tears us down or we end up tearing down other people that are that we're close to because we feel the safest with. So, yes, is there another way? Absolutely. What the heck is it then, right?
Maren:Right!
Stephanie:Can you help? What is it then and help me now! And I think if we can take that part of ourselves and instead of absorbing it, like how how do we not absorb the horrible things that happen in this world to our loved ones, to those? How do we not absorb it and yet still be present to it? That's the practice. And that's what I would say that is the antidote is becoming conscious and aware of what is mine and what is yours.
Maren:Doing it, doing it from a place of not becoming hard-hearted. I think a lot of times our answer to the atrocities that we're either experiencing personally or that we're seeing on the news, or that, you know, all of that that starts to build up inside of us. The answer, like I said, was to just numb out, to become hard-hearted, to go away. So, how do we be present to it, not go away, and then also not be sucked into it so that it's painful or that we want to retaliate or you know...
Stephanie:Learning how to deal with that stress and that emotion. We are not emotionally literate. We are not. What I mean by that, we don't even know what we feel, let alone what somebody else is feeling. And so when sometimes things start to download and people start having an emotional breakdown in front of us, whether it's a, you know, I always say, well, actually, they're having a breakthrough because they've actually allowed this emotion to come up enough to clear out the, you know, the debris that's been blocking them. But if we can't learn how to be present to someone else in that space, it's often because we don't know how to be present to ourselves.
Maren:Yeah...
Stephanie:Because the antidote. That's the antidote.
Maren:It is. And it takes awareness, it takes both willingness and awareness. And I think that a lot of us are not willing because it feels painful in the moment. And so I think that at least for me, knowing that with more consciousness, with more awareness, there isn't more pain. It is... it's different. It allows me...
Stephanie:... you're actually aware of the pain that you probably have been avoiding. Because pain exists, you may not be feeling it, but it trust me, it's existing. You may be living on another level to avoid it, or you may be numbing yourself out, whether it's watching TV or or drinking or eating or gossiping, you may be doing something else to avoid the pain that already is there. And so when you say, well, that's great stuff, and you just let me feel it, and now I'm feeling all the freaking pain. That's like it's always been there, but now it's always feeling it because you're feeling it.
Maren:And it's always been there, and it's also affecting you. So that's the thing is we think that because we're not feeling it in the moment, it doesn't... well if I just numb out, it's not affecting me. Guess what it is? Totally is affecting you, it's taking a toll on your body, on your relationships, on your on your finances, on every aspect of your life. And so, yeah, it may feel painful to actually feel it. And like you said, then you start to actually heal it. So then now all of a sudden it doesn't have the impact. It doesn't, it's not driving your life from the back seat without your awareness or your permission. Well, you're actually giving it permission by numbing out, but it's beyond your awareness.
Stephanie:So years ago, when I first started becoming a therapist, I just wanted to be a mechanical therapist, meaning I just wanted to fix the problem. Like, you know, there must be an exercise or a stretch or a strengthening exercise or a postural exercise, or there's a, you know, something that I can do manually, manipulation-wise, that will change the problem. Unbeknownst to me, um, what was underneath it was this emotional roller coaster of tears and anger and fear that were locked in my tissues. Issues in my tissues. And I remember going to my first training, and someone had an emotional, literally an emotional meltdown. They cried, they got angry, and I ran to the bathroom. I'm like, I'm out of here. Don't don't touch me. I have spent an entire lifetime trying to suppress that shit down there. Don't touch me because it's gonna come out. And I'm really invested on keeping it squashed.
Maren:Wow.
Stephanie:But it was literally killing me. And I see this in my clients. Like it's literally killing them. And they're like, no, I'm not going there. I don't want to feel this. And it's like, but it's already hurting you. It's already taken... when we can start to realize that when we start to feel something, it's because it's leaving us, it's actually dissipating, it's going. But we don't, we tend to think that you know, when it comes up, now it's gonna be worse and it's never gonna end. I'm like, no, that's the stuffing that's coming out of the out of the little, you know, stuffed teddy bear that you've squashed it all in there. And so why I say that, it's like if we can start to look within ourselves and feel those feelings, we'll tend to then be able to be present to someone else's without trying to fix them or force them or shut them down or judge them or anything. We can just go, oh wow, look at you go. God love you. And and when there's time and space, you give them a hug. Like you won't run away.
Maren:You won't take it on...
Stephanie:...and you won't take it on, you won't carry it with you. You know? I t's just the most beautiful thing. I would say I've always been somebody as my younger years that would avoid pain at all costs, conflict at all cost. Are you kidding me? And if someone's crying, I'm out of there. And I realized like how much I had missed on intimacy in that. And when I mean intimacy, I always say into- me- I- see. I realized like how much that when I started to look at the sad part of myself inside myself, and I was able to be present to that part within me and hold that part, how I could then be present to someone else's tears without running away from them or without carrying it from them, or without trying to fix it or shut it down. I could just literally be present with it. It is the most beautiful thing when you can get there.
Maren:I just recently had an experience where somebody asked me at the end of a a large event. So I was I was running a large event, and somebody asked me how I managed to be present, handle all of the things that went wrong, all of the craziness, and still be energized by it, not have it take a toll on me where I had to go and recover for a few days. And what you're talking about is exactly why and how. So what I mean by that is, you know, we oftentimes will hear something like this and be like, well, that's great on a personal level. I need to work, at my you know, I just need to keep it together at my work and and then I can go home and and numb out and et cetera, et cetera, especially with some of the, you know, the industries that you had mentioned earlier, where we are working with other people's problems and people at a large scale, like a large event, right? And all the crap that goes wrong. And doing that inner work that you're talking about of being willing to look at myself and my own issues in my tissues and the things that are going on inside of me. That work has allowed me to show up to an event where everything goes wrong and we have twice the number of people than we anticipated, and we're needing to manage all the aspects of it and not take it personally, not get overwhelmed, not manage it in the moment and then go fry, be fried later. Like I didn't take any of it on. It was an amazing evening for me, and that's very unusual. I know that, and it's even unusual for me because I've run, you know, I ran a five to six hundred person event for 13 years, and so I know the toll that it's taken on me in the past, in my body, in my relationships, and in all of the aspects, and it was really different last night, and that's powerful. I want that for everybody, how to be present and observe, be fully in it, be fully like enjoying it and in the moment, and then also not be impacted by it, not absorb it.
Stephanie:Yeah, I mean, and you're human, so you are gonna absorb things from time to time because we are gonna be growing and evolving. So, and you know, if you start to take things on, like don't beat yourself up again. Like say, okay, note to self, I need some work here, right? It's like this is something that you know, because I because I work with lots of different people in lots of different industries. I mean, you're human, you're a human being. You are going to feel things deeply. That's what a human, that's the difference between a robot and a human being.
Maren:I think this is so key. Thank you for bringing that up. And I, you know, like so often we're trained that we're not supposed to be, bring our humanity into business. And it's causing all kinds of problems on the planet, in our businesses, and in ourselves. And this is about bringing our humanity, and part of humanity is consciousness and raising our level of consciousness inside of each of us is really critical right now.
Stephanie:100%. Because I mean, really, we're at a time where AI could really just run the business. I mean, really, if you want something that doesn't have any emotion and, you know, yeah, just get AI to run it and let me know how that goes. Like I tell the story about when I, you know, I had to make a change in my life, and I had a breakup with a partner, and we were sharing some things together, and I made a call to kind of disengage from the two of us sharing this thing. And the customer service person on the other end, the first customer service person on the other end, said, I'm sorry, you know, you have to have both of you present in order for this to go through. And I'm like, well, that's impossible. It's not gonna happen. And I knew they were just following a mandate, they were following a script. And I probably had an emotional... I absorbed stuff and took an emotional reaction and meltdown and hung up and probably said a few harsh words to them. Okay, and I forgive myself for that. And then I breathe. And so, so this is what I did because I'm human. I sat down, I said, okay, I know I need to make a change. I've got to feel this emotion. I'm deeply hurting. I'm sad. There's I'm feeling helpless, I'm feeling hopeless, but at the same time, I know I need to make this change. And I just took a nice long breath, breathed into it, and I let myself feel the emotion and let it come out because I needed to let it move. And then I picked up the phone again, I got a new person, and I calmly told her the truth about what was going on. And the first thing she said to me is she said, I am so sorry. That has got to be so hard for you. I mean, if I could have leaped through the phone and given her a hug and a kiss, I mean, she just completely healed me. She had no idea how much that as a human being met me in my heart and it moved it. Now I also had moved my own stuff too, but then it moved it so that I could then ask and make a request. And she said, Guess what? I have a way of doing this. Hold, please. I'll just make it make a couple things over here. She came back, she sorted the whole thing out and it was done without any drama.
Maren:You made space in you for a different interaction, for a different way.
Stephanie:And I had to allow myself compassion at that moment, too. Not victim. I mean, because it's so easy to go to I'm a victim, please help me. Why aren't you helping me? Please rescue me, save me. I did and I kind of did that the first time. That's why the robot met me and didn't really help me much. And then I had to go in and I had to have compassion with myself. I'm like, I need to feel this. This is really, this is really hard. I know I need to do this. I've got to be accountable, but I need to feel, and that's what you just said, making space. That is the tears, that is the anger, that is the fear, the anxiety. If we can give ourselves permission to feel it with compassion, it literally will make space so that you will have a deeper part of yourself come up and take accountability and responsibility.
Maren:And I want to say it's it's feeling it not from a place of righteousness, of "I have the right."
Stephanie:Right. There is no entitlement.
Maren:Right. Because what happens when we feel it from that place is that it kind of anchors it further into our system. Is it like we own it as this is who I am. I'm angry, I'm this, I'm a victim, I'm a you know, and letting go of the ownership. Like I loved what you said of I let it move through me. We feel it and let it go.
Stephanie:Yeah, that's
Maren:Because we don't identify with it, yes, and it does
Stephanie:you watch it, you watch it go.
Maren:It does take not identifying with it. You have to not identify, you have to go. Oh, look at you. Yes, you exist in me, and now I can let you go. Thanks for serving me or whatever, right? Like letting I like that. Watch it... off you go!
Stephanie:Yeah, and like I said, the more present I could, I was to my part that was hurting with love and kindness, isn't it interesting that the next phone call I met that customer service person had the same compassion, actually it was better. She had that wonderful compassion and presence that I just practiced with myself. Now, if I hadn't practiced it, I probably if... even if that person had tried to give it to me, I wouldn't have had space to be able to receive it.
Maren:No, you wouldn't have.
Stephanie:So this is why I say the emotion, emotion isn't good, bad, right or wrong. It's emotion, it's energy emotion. And if we can allow ourselves the space to just observe it and go, ooh, there's a part of me, and I say that word, not it's like I'm sad or I'm angry. Well, now there's no, there's nothing left. It's just all of me. But if I can, if I can make the space to say, there's a part of me that's really scared or really anxious, then there's also another part of me that's witnessing it. And that's the other part of me that I want to align with to say, I want to come from the witness part to witnessing the anxious part or the scared part or the sad part so that I can caretake it with kindness and gentleness rather than trying to force myself to do something I'm not ready to do, or I there's just no space. I need space.
Maren:It's so critical right now for us to start this conversation of how to make that happen. Because I think a lot of people can hear it and it makes sense. And then the next step is okay, so what does that mean? I don't know even right. I don't even know where to start for myself. So I'm just gonna scroll through my Facebook or you know, check out some some some way.
Stephanie:I'm just gonna watch another movie, you know, like exactly because when we don't know how to deal with it, that's the only measures we know how to do is is to distract ourselves from it, which makes actually perpetuates it. It makes it worse.
Maren:So the this these are the things that we work with. And we have some group programs. You can visit our website, www.tslp.life, to check them out. The one that we have coming up is called our 12 Days of Presence. And it's a completely free program. So we would love for you to join us in that and explore for yourself. Maybe it'll open a door that will give you a sense of possibility.
Stephanie:For example, in The 12 Days of Presence, it's like... it's about telling, telling yourself the truth of like, hey, this is what I really want in my life. This is not goal setting, it's not you New Year's resolutions. It's saying, it's being honest to say, I am really longing for whatever this is, this X, you know. And if we don't look at the internal aspects of it, we won't have space to receive it when it arrives. We'll push it aside, we'll sabotage it.
Maren:Exactly. Like if you hadn't looked at that with that woman, with yourself first, you wouldn't have been able to hear or accept the compassion that she had. And it wouldn't, it might, the thing is that we don't realize how much is like literally right in front of us, and we can't see it because it lives in a different world.
Stephanie:Literally, it lives in a different world. That's why we say love is blind, because it's all the critters inside of ourselves is taking up space that we can't see it. It's... we're crowded, and so we don't like people out here in front of us or in the world because there's so many internal voices inside that we don't like. And if we start to address those internal aspects with love and humor, literally with humor, with love and compassion and kindness and humor, then all of a sudden our outer world starts to change. We no longer carry it, but yet we can still be present to it and with be with be within it without taking it on. So that's how we make a difference in the world.
Maren:And that's what we give a "how-to" during The 12 Days of Presence. And what's nice about it is it's not like okay, you have to do this every day for the rest of your life. You have 12 days of intentional being aware of what's going on/ happening in your world. Each of those 12 days correlates to a month in the following year. So we start to bring that awareness and have a practice of awareness for the rest of our lives, for the rest of... meaning that both time-wise, the rest of our lives, and for all the other aspects of our lives. And then we start to develop that, you know, we were talking about like what's the how-to? This is the beginning process of that how-to.
Stephanie:Yeah. And it's it, believe it or not, it will feel scary at first, only because it's it's unfamiliar. And anything unfamiliar. Anything unfamiliar or unknown is going to feel a little uncomfortable at first and a little scary because we haven't been in that place before. But once you keep practicing it, then you'll start to see the benefits, and your life actually does get more beautiful. And even if it's already beautiful, holy, it gets even better.
Maren:So true. So we hope you can join us. And like I said, it's a completely free program. Go to our website, check it out, www.tslp.life. And hopefully we'll see you on the 12 days of presence. And we'll definitely see you next in two weeks, because we do this every other week. We'll see you in two weeks on The Soulful Leader Podcast.
Stephanie:And that wraps up another episode of The Soulful Leader Podcast with your hosts, Stephanie Allen
Maren:and Maren Oslac. Thank you for listening. If you'd like to dive deeper, head over to our website at www.thesoulfulleaderpodcast.com.
Stephanie:Until next time...