You Don’t Need Another Resolution To Change Your Life Artwork

The Soulful Leader Podcast

As a Soulful Leader you want your success to mean something. Professionally, you're flourishing. Personally, you're still searching. Deep inside you know there has to be more to life. Acknowledging that your outer world doesn’t align with your inner longings can feel scary and overwhelming. In a world where achievements and accolades motivate us to do more and be more, we’re often left wondering, “Is this really it?” Instead of sticking to the status quo, you’re ready to embrace a new way of being, thinking, feeling, and doing so you can fulfill the deeper life that’s calling you. We’re your hosts, Stephanie Allen and Maren Oslac. We’re both soulful leaders in our own right whose lives have been dedicated to living that 'something more'. We can’t wait to save you time and share the shortcuts we’ve uncovered. By tuning into the Soulful Leader Podcast you’ll discover that you don’t need to sacrifice to find meaning, success or true happiness. Instead, you’ll learn practical solutions infused with a healthy dose of woo for tapping into your Divine DNA. We’ll help you see that going inward is the secret. Each week we break down the barriers that will help you decrease your stress, find that fulfillment, and create the conditions so you can thrive in life.

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The Soulful Leader Podcast

You Don’t Need Another Resolution To Change Your Life

December 16, 2025 • Stephanie Allen & Maren Oslac • Season 2 • Episode 199

Are you feeling the pressure of the end of the year?

What if you could let go of that pressure and actually feel renewed going into 2026?

What if that pressure is the very thing cutting you off from what you truly need and want?

Today, Stephanie and Maren share their unconventional point of view regarding resolutions, goals and pushing through. Their engaging conversation meanders through personal stories and examples where they show a practical way to exit the drama triangle, share how to create space, and use the breath and inner listening to restore true choice.

If you are ready to turn frustration into gold and get the most out of this beautiful season of renewal, today’s podcast is for you.

the difference between needs and wants
conditioning and labels that narrow choice
victim and violator
pivot out of reactivity
breath and space as neurological resets
the theater technique for objective awareness
choosing your inner state
moving from rescuer to inner coach
real-life example of reframing frustration
group practice through the 12 Days of Presence

They also invite you into the 12 Days of Presence, a gentle, email-based group practice that maps the days of Christmas to the months ahead, helping you seed your year with awareness instead of pressure. No mandatory calls, no perfectionism—just a supportive rhythm that rewires your brain toward choice and centers you in what truly matters.

If this resonates, listen now, subscribe, and share with someone who’s ready to leave the old road behind. Leave a review to tell us which corner of the triangle you tend toward - and what you choose instead!

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Stephanie: 0:03

In a world where we have everything and it's still not enough, we're often left wondering, is this really it?

Maren: 0:10

Deep inside, you know there's more to life. You're ready to leave behind the old push your way through and claim the deeper, more meaningful life that's calling you. That's what we invite you to explore with us. We're your hosts, Stephanie Allen and Maren Oslac And this is the Soulful Leader Podcast.

Stephanie: 0:30

Yay! Hi, welcome to the Soulful Leader Podcast. You know, this is this time of year, when I say this time of the year, this is the end of 2025 or heading into 2026, coming through the holidays, coming into the new year. And I know how everybody hates saying, oh, what's your new year's resolution? Right. But yet at the same time, we get an opportunity to choose. And the power of choice, free will, we need to not take it so lightly. Because when it's taken away, it's harder to get back. And I'm seeing this. Like as I'm aging, there's less things that I have the ability to choose anymore. It becomes narrow... more narrow. And I'm not trying to be, you know, negative Nelly here, but it's being able to wake up to say, what is it that you truly, truly want? And I say this with my heart because I think many of us, myself included, we can be so focused outwardly on everybody else's needs and trying to maintain the peace, whether we're taking care of a family or we're taking care of clients or we are, you know, taking care of our animals, our plants, whatever it is. Right. We tend, and which is a wonderful thing to actually care and take care of our outer world, but it can set us up from being distracted to what is it that we truly need and want. And those are two different things, needs and wants.

Maren: 2:02

Yeah, I think that most of us don't have any clue what we need or what we want, either one of those, because we're so conditioned by society on what it's supposed to look like, expectations from childhood of what life will look like. You need to get this degree, you need to do that thing, you need to... so it's the rare family that looks at their kids and says, what's your passion? What do you want to do? What do you g... you know, like, that has that discussion. And schools don't have the capacity to actually have that discussion with kids. So they just funnel them through all of the expectations, and then you get labeled, and then you start to live that label, and you get to be, you know, 50, 60, 70, and all of a sudden you wake up and you go, who the hell am I?

Stephanie: 2:59

Exactly. I mean that's a very that's a very common thing. I see that all the time. I am saying that with myself to say, okay, warning, warning to myself, pay attention, Stephanie. What is it that I want? What is it that I'm seeking? Why is it important? You know, our longing is our greatest attribute for willpower.

Maren: 3:21

Yeah.

Stephanie: 3:22

And I think we can get, I know I do. I get so frustrated when there's something I really, really want in my life, you know, whether I'm trying to overcome an illness or an injury, or I want to lighten up in my weight, or I want to have a better, healthier relationship, whether it's with myself or another or a life partner. And you can just feel like WTF, like, why is this not working? I've checked all the boxes, I've done all the three steps to get, you know, your health or to lose weight or whatever, and it's like freaking not working.

Maren: 3:52

Right. The miracle water or the whatever, right?

Stephanie: 3:55

The pill or whatever. And you just want to throw your hands up in the air and say, why bother? Forget it. It's never gonna work anyway. I see this. I think those two ends, I'm gonna make that triangle again. You know, that we have... the imagine a triangle in that bottom part of the triangle on one side of the corner is... I always say it's the fuck you, you know, fuck you. I can do it myself I don't need anybody, blah, blah, blah. Or it's the fuck me. Like, why I can't do it anyway. There must be something wrong with me. And we ricochet. I feel like it's like a ping-pong game, you know. We just keep going back and forth and back and forth, and it's exhausting. Yeah, and there's a third option, which is the peak of that triangle at the top, which merges in between the two of them, but it's also it's not on that same level. It's actually at a level higher of where we can practice being aware I'm not this and I'm not that. I know I am longing for something, and can I stay present in the moment without trying to fix or force or control it or doubt it? But can I just have an awareness to pay attention to what is being asked of me?

Maren: 5:08

So that's I love this because it's it's so simple. It's so beautiful, it's hard, hard, it's not easy. So I want you to share with us, tell us a little bit about what goes into being able to... I guess there are two things that I'm thinking of. First of all, is recognizing that I'm in one of those corners of the triangle, and then because you can't change anything until you recognize it, right? So then once you recognize, so once you address both of these, first is how do you recognize that you're in one of the triangle corners? And then once you recognize that, how do you transcend it? How do you not go to the opposite corner or get stuck on the same level, maybe in the middle of being torn between the two, and actually transcend it to that higher place you're talking about?

Stephanie: 6:05

Well, I think you just kind of said it right there. It's like recognize it. Am I fighting against something outside of myself? Am I fighting... like my defending or being, you know, confrontational? Or am I beating myself up inside, telling myself some stories? So those are the two ends of the triangle.

Maren: 6:24

So that's if there's a voice or there's a story about poor me, I'm the, you know, like if you go into that, or if you go into the story of they did it too, you know, like I'm gonna, you know, like I'm angry at them. So if it's an outer anger or if it's an inner anger, or resignation?

Stephanie: 6:43

I would call it another way, it is like victim and violator. Like, you know, when you want to just say, screw you, that's it. I'm gonna, I'm out of here, you're out of here. I'm throwing your bags out on the curb or I'm leaving, or like... that's I what I'm doing is I felt like a victim long enough, and now I'm gonna violate you. I'm gonna punish you for my pain. That's the violator. The victim is still really inward of like, it must be something I did wrong. It's gotta be my fault. I'm a terrible person. What's wrong with me? I must be messed up. That's the victim. And oh my god, both of those two ends are so exhausting. You can sleep for days, trust me. You know, and and your bodies, your tissues, you'll feel it. Like panic attacks, fear, anxiety. That's a lot of that is that victim. But that rage, like pain in the neck or the jaw pain, it often comes that way. It's like I just want to like rip their ...grrrr. You know, we get that way. I would say if you feel that in your body, you're probably at one of those two. And if you... so here's how to transcend it. If you recognize it, that's 99% of it is just recognizing where you are. Yeah. Oh my gosh, you're 99% of the way there. Most of us get so addicted, and I mean it is an addiction. Our our hormones and everything get all revved up when we're in the victim or the violator stage that we get so conditioned with it that we actually set ourselves up to feel it so that we can stay addicted. We can stay getting those internal hormones all jacked up. So if you're recognizing, going, oh my God, I'm out of control again, or this is feeling out of control to me.

Maren: 8:28

So I'm gonna point out what you just said there of I'm out of control versus this is feeling out of control to me. And that's huge because the only way to get to that next place that we're talking about of transcending it is to stop identifying with it, is stop saying it's me that's angry, it's me that's this, I'm this. So when you can create space, the only place that transformation can happen is when there's space. We need to make space. And we can understand this like when we walk into our office and it's a complete mess. We're like, oh my God, I can't even work in here. I need to make space first, right? It's the same thing inside of ourselves. When we claim that of I'm the victim, I'm the violator. Now there's no space to be either something other than one of those, right? You so we need to make space, and the easiest way to make space is to stop saying "I am".

Stephanie: 9:33

Exactly, and to stop it, like just just stop it, like stop it, like drop and stop, like just go, oh, okay. What I do is I just close my eyes and I take a deep breath and I go, okay, I am being involved in one of those old patterns again. This is just a thought, it is just an emotion. It is not who I am, and it's enticing me to go down that path again. So if I stop giving it energy, giving it attention, and I start giving myself attention, meaning I'm just gonna breathe to my heart right now. I am going to imagine this is what I tell my clients to do. Imagine, and I do this myself, imagine you're sitting in a theater, and you have now just taken the scenario and you put it up on the movie screen, and you're sitting in the theater. But not only are you a participant, you're also the director of this film. So you can make changes. You're in control. So I put myself in the theater, sitting in my seat, I watch the scene going by, and I go, wow, that's fascinating. Look how I'm holding my body. Look how I'm not breathing. Look at how I entered from that way and I said it this way. What if I tried something different?

Maren: 10:55

Yeah. There's ... I'm gonna interrupt you real quick because this may resonate with people. There's a scene in the Matrix, the original Matrix, where he's in the cab and the woman, they come to a crossroads, right? And they open the door and he deciding, do I go with these people or do I get out? And the woman says to him, you've been down that road, you know where it ends. And I that's the moment that I think of for myself when I see myself on that movie screen heading in that direction. I've been down that road, I know where it ends. And I can choose a different way, red pill or blue pill, right? Like I can choose a different way. And I may not know what that way is, I just know the other thing that I was doing, I know where that ends. So I try something new. I don't know where that ends.

Stephanie: 12:01

And so it's going to take a lot of energy for you to get back into the cab. Just shut that door and go, okay, wait a minute. I know where that path goes. I know where that I know where that leads.

Maren: 12:14

And so you're now heading into the unknown, and that's why you're saying it takes a lot of energy because...

Stephanie: 12:19

it takes a lot of energy to stop that path. And so, what what I recommend you do is just breathe. Give yourself... and your breath is energy, and when we are stressed, we don't breathe. We actually stop giving ourselves and our cells even, you know, energy. So if you notice you're not breathing, breathe. It's gonna change your brain right there, right there.

Maren: 12:48

The other thing that breath is, is it's space.

Stephanie: 12:52

Space for choice. Remember, we were talking in the very beginning. I said, you know, we underestimate our ability for choice and free will. And the less we start choosing, the more it's taken away from us. Not because it's taken away from us in the outer world, although that happens too. But we stopped, our neurons stop firing in that direction. And what fires together wires together. So if you stop giving yourself choice, you stop giving yourself choice. You start to reduce the amount of choices that you're gonna have.

Maren: 13:25

The other thing is when I stop choosing for myself, I've now handed my choice, my autonomy, my ability over to somebody else. And they will make the choice for me. And I think that that's where when we were talking earlier about how society has been doing that for us since we were very young. And we do get to a point in our lives where we get angry about that and we go, well, who the F am I? Because I've just allowed my choices to be made for me. And I don't even know what I want or who I am or where I'm going. And the easiest way to get out of that, because it seems like that may be a tangent that we're not talking about the victim violator or that bottom layer of the triangle anymore. And actually, it's exactly the bottom layer of the triangle. And it's the making space and the stop identifying and the allowing ourselves to make our own choices and then getting curious about okay, I've been down that road, I know where it leads, I'm choosing not to go down that road. I'm now sitting in the unknown, kind of scary place.

Stephanie: 14:44

And it's scary because you haven't been there before. I want you to tell that part of yourself that says I'm scared, it, and and kind of like let it, you know, fluff its little feathers a little bit because, say it's because you haven't been here before. And that's actually a good thing because that means you're not on that road to you where you normally go. You're you're somewhere else.

Maren: 15:04

And where I go with that is like, okay, now I'm on an adventure. And it's, it needs to leave the right, wrong, good, bad.

Speaker: 15:14

Yes.

Maren: 15:14

We need to leave that behind because when you're on an adventure, nothing's right, nothing's wrong, nothing's good. It's just is an exploration. So I get curious. Okay, well, I tried it this way and I really didn't like that. Okay, what's another way I could try it? I don't have to go back to that same road because I still know where that road leads, right? It's the making space and then getting curious.

Stephanie: 15:40

So, in that curiosity part too, Maren, I would also say, I'm curious, what is it that I really want to experience inside myself? That means not what do I want to experience with this person or this event or whatever. Yeah, that's great too, but you don't really have control over that. So it's gonna keep sending you down the other road. Oh, now I'm a victim. You know, I don't really have control. But you do have control about what you want to feel internally within yourself. And you might say, I just want to feel safe, or I want to feel free, or I want to feel love. Whatever comes up for you. And I did this with a client the other day, and we were talking, and and when I was listening to her, what I said to her said, it sounds like you really want some freedom, space, right? And this client said, absolutely, that's what I want. I said, So when you're on that bottom level of that triangle and you want to like rip the lungs out of that person that you're talking to, or you want to just say, well, why bother? I'm stuck here now. I might as well be forever. Go to the center of the triangle and what's gonna be the elevator or the that's gonna lift you up, is saying, I know I really am seeking freedom inside myself. So if I was free inside myself, how would I be in my body right now? How would I think differently? How would I hold myself? How would I breathe? And what if you even breathe freedom? Because that's the elevator, that's the like whoosh, it's gonna take you right up. I said, plus, it's gonna be that silence for a little bit, which always makes the other person that you're having the confrontation with a little nervous anyway, because they're like, okay, what are they thinking? But that's actually power. You know, I say this because I have a cat, and my cat is so good at being still and present. He looks like he's sound asleep, but his ear twitch, twitch, twitch, and his tail twitch, twitch. I know that my cat is aware of everything that's going around this in the environment, but it literally is so still and so present that it's drawing to it energy. That's what you do in the center of that triangle is you drop in and you draw to you the energy of being present to yourself right now. Going, what is it that I can give to myself inside right now? What am I seeking? And can I breathe it? Whoosh! Now you are the cat ready to pounce on the mouse when you're ready. Or to do what, you know, because now you've made space to be able to say, now you've got guidance.

Maren: 18:14

So I'm gonna give an example for my own life that just happened. I was at a seminar and it wasn't going the way I expected it to go. So part of me was frustrated and angry that I wasn't getting what I had come for. And I was in this place of like, do I be frustrated and angry with It wasn't what I was told it was gonna be, and I'm like...errr... right? Or do I just resign and be like, well, whatever, I paid my money, I'll just see it through, and you know, I won't come back. You know, that's the resignation or the, you know, the victim or the violator, right? And so I stopped for a moment and I was like, well, I know that I was meant to be here. And if I lived in a friendly universe and everything served me, what would my options be? So I did what you said, I stopped, I dropped in, I didn't identify with either of those, and I went to that place of like gathering energy. And what I noticed for myself is if I looked at this seminar in a different way, there's a lot that I could glean from it for myself on an inner level. And then also it would change how I was interacting with it in that moment. So I came from a place of what if I were a coach to every single one of the people that's here, including and especially the organizers, because they're the ones I'm most frustrated with right now, right? I didn't like the way it was being organized. I was like, I would show up very differently if they had hired me as a coach to come in and see, like, how could we make this better? And so I started looking at it completely differently, and I showed up to them and to myself both completely differently.

Stephanie: 20:18

And that's the key, right?

Maren: 20:20

Yeah.

Stephanie: 20:21

We show up differently.

Maren: 20:22

I was no longer angry, I was no longer resigned, I was curious and I was interested. And I walked away from that event with so much gold for myself, which if I had not done that, I would have been crabby. At the best, I would have been crabby at the end of the seminar, right?

Stephanie: 20:44

See, often there's an internal story that we're telling ourselves about the outer world. And that internal story is either going to take us down the road of victim or down the road of violator. And what I'm suggesting, and what we're suggesting here, is that you hold center and become your own inner rescuer.

Maren: 21:04

Yeah.

Stephanie: 21:04

Meaning that you give yourself the space for transformation so that you can listen, go, what is it that I need inside myself that I can give to myself right now? And you slow down, you stop, you drop in, and then you'll get the guidance, you'll get an AHA that is right for you, that you can then respond or not respond. Not responding is also an action. Sometimes it's simply just holding space. I said this to someone today. I said, you know, when someone's arguing with you or trying to gaslight you or doing all these different things, like sometimes they're in their own little story world, in their own little fairy tale land. I should call it a scary tale. They're probably in their scary tale, which isn't a happily ever after. So you don't have to join them in it, but you can stay loving and present to them, going to look at them go. And when they're you know throwing accusations at you, and you can just say from a place of love, I hear you, you might be right. I'll have a look at that. But you can't just say...Ya! You might be right. You can't just say that, you know, because it's the from the violator, or it's coming from the victim. (sarcastically) Ya, you know, you might be right. Do you see the difference? But if we hold center in the rescuer part within ourselves, rescuing ourselves, we make space. We then respond differently, and they hear it differently.

Maren: 22:29

I'm gonna suggest, other than... I want to get us off the drama triangle completely because then a rescuer... still there are issues with that, which we can't get into right this moment. And one of the things that is possible is to completely get off that triangle. And instead of thinking in a rescuer, think "Inner Coach". Because a coach won't... a rescuer tends to take things out of somebody's hands and do it for them, which doesn't empower and all of that stuff, right? A coach will help and support and allow the the mistakes to be made from a loving place, and that's exactly what you were actually saying, just with the language of the the drama triangle.

Stephanie: 23:19

So I just wanted to offer whatever whatever works for you, whether it's a an inner coach or an inner healer or an inner parent. It's what, what will keep you neutral instead of... I mean, if an inner parent puts you into a violator or victim mode, well, don't use that one. Use a coach, you know. But you know, use what what you can imagine that would be the most loving and kind for you, that you would feel safe and trustworthy with. Absolutely, absolutely. Like, you know, for example, this client that I was working with, you know, where she felt the most empowered in her life was being a grandmother. And I said, well, if your grandson was acting the way your husband's acting, which her grandson does act that way, I said, how are you? How do you show up to your grandson? And she goes like, well, I just calmly, because I love him to death, she says, just love him. And she said, I look at him with a smile in my eyes, and I'm like, now, honey, we talked about this... about being, you know? When did we talk about this and what did we learn from the last time? I said, you are obviously not gonna talk to your husband that way, but what I'm saying is that how she was internally, she was patient, she was kind, she was present. I say, can you take those qualities and bring them to your husband?

Maren: 24:38

Right.

Stephanie: 24:38

Like, don't talk to him the way you talk to your four-year-old grandson, but you know, but have that presence of inside yourself. And that's what we're suggesting you do in that middle part of that triangle. That's the elevator. That's the elevator, whatever works for you.

Maren: 24:54

I love that. So, anyone that's looking for support along these lines, one of the things that we offer is every year we do a give back and we do the 12 days of presence, which literally is the 12 days of Christmas, relates to a month of the following year. So we've been talking about not knowing our 'why' and feeling frustrated and angry and maybe even bitter about the fact that we're not taught how to find that. We're conditioned by society to do all these things that aren't even who we are. So, how do we get to know who we are? We're coming up at that time of year where we're setting goals and we're doing New Year's resolutions, and there's an alternative. It's the elevator that we were just talking about. It's a transformative way of doing it, and it's from the mystics. And so we presence each of those days, which is related. So January relates to the first day of Christmas, February is the second day of Christmas. So if we're staying present to what's happening on each of those days, we're actually presencing the incoming future from our higher self. And that's the part of us that knows why we're here, that does want to get our attention.

Stephanie: 26:24

And it sounds simple. It sounds so simple. And it is a simple, but it is very challenging to break old habits and to start tuning into a new habit. And this is why we do it as a group. So you have support, and you know, it's not gonna be perfect. It's not about being perfect. You're gonna make mistakes, you're gonna have questions. That's actually really great because the more you make mistakes and the more you have questions, the more you have have the ability to gain that life force to be able to move towards where you need to be. So, you know, we do this as a group, and it's fun and it's creative, and there's a million different ways to be able to unfold this for you in your life. And I love being in a group because I hear of some of those other ways that people are unfolding it, and I, oh, I haven't thought about that one. Or, and that's we help each other, but there's so much power in coming together and moving together as a group towards something of the ideal, and you can still have your individual individuality within that diversity, which is so important.

Maren: 27:29

Yeah. And the nice thing is that you've got the group energy and it's done on your own time. So there isn't there aren't mandatory calls or anything like that. Everything is done via email. So if you'd like to join us and the growing number of people that are doing it differently, and, you know, head down a new road in a supportive, wonderful way. You can join us at www.tslp.life And right at the top, there's a banner that says the 12 Days of Presence, and just sign up for it and you'll be included in our 12 Days of Presence this Year.

Stephanie: 28:08

So have a wonderful, happy holidays, whatever you are celebrating, and may you be nourished and and feel loved and appreciated because you are.

Maren: 28:18

Thanks. We'll see you the next time.

Stephanie: 28:46

And that wraps up another episode of The Soulful Leader Podcast. With your hosts Stephanie Allen...

Maren: 28:46

and Maren Oslac. Thank you for listening. If you would like to dive deeper head over to our website at www.TheSoulfulLeaderPodcast.com

Stephanie: 28:46

Until next time.