Being Seen with Rachael Wheeler

This is a unique episode where we dive into some healing work together. While this wasn't planned, it was exactly perfect. Rachael steps into her vulnerability and allowing herself to be fully seen in this episode which is such an inspiration to us all! When we allow ourselves to be seen, we allow for true healing and the ability to fully accept and love ourselves.

Rachael shares a bit about her story through leaving the mormon church and at the end of the episode I found myself wanting to know more of her story! So, we will be sharing another episode next week of her full story in her choice to step out of religion and out of her marriage.

Join us for a beautiful episode. If you would like to be a guest on my show and are wanting to work through a few of your blocks or pieces you are having a difficult time letting go, email me at aj@amandajoyco.com.

Connect with Rachael:

Email: rachaelsbeautyparlor@gmail.com

IG: Rachael.wheeler.376

Join my private facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/leavingreligion

Ready to claim all that you are? Join me at my next retreat experience: https://www.amandajoyloveland.com/inbody

For more tools to assist you in stepping out of religion: https://www.amandajoyloveland.com/leavingreligiontools

Grab my latest book! Leaving religion, a guide to finding your spiritual center after religion: https://www.amazon.com/Leaving-Religion-Those-Leave-Behind/dp/1952566487/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1FUQQ23L4I458&keywords=leaving+religion+%26+those&qid=1655217437&sprefix=leaving+religion+%26+those%2Caps%2C126&sr=8-1

Let's stay in touch!

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Transcript

Unknown: 0:01

Welcome, welcome welcome to my podcast leaving religion a guide to navigating the waters after religion. I am your host, Amanda Loveland. And man, that title is a little bit of a mouthful, I knew I needed to change it from leaving religion and those we leave behind to more of this, but I need to figure out a little bit of a shorter title, something that encompasses this, but with a shorter title. So if you have any other ideas, shoot them over to me. And if you're looking for a community, I'm I am in the process of growing a private Facebook group that is currently entitled leaving religion and those we leave behind. So if you're looking for a community, head over there, join the conversations and share her share possible podcast title ideas over there, I would love to hear them. And as you may have already seen, I just launched a embody experience that I get to co facilitate with three other amazing women. And this experience is September 22, through 25th, down in Springdale, Utah, and is going to be an unbelievable experience. The The reason that it felt so guided to do this is I don't know about you, but so many of us are in a place of art where our souls are asking to be fully embodied, we chose to be here in a physical body. And while we are trying to obtain all the spiritual aspects of ourselves, which is beautiful, and seeing what we're capable of, and our gifts and our abilities, it is crucial to embody all of them and be in the physical and be in the here and the now with those pieces and allowing ourselves to be fully seen, because the embodiment and the body is the key. So by stepping into this experience with us, we will be guiding you and walking you through different different experiences, different exercises to fully be in bodies. And then we're actually doing an after program after the retreat after this experience to where we will be continuing to assist you in integrating these pieces. Because far too many times people go to retreat experiences, and they have unbelievable things come through to them and love how they feel in that space, and then trying to integrate it at home is challenging. So we are going to walk you through that and actually have created a course to assist you in that. As well as we'll be doing some zoom calls and other things. So if this is something that you are feeling a soul yes to then you are to be in this space, we are calling in some absolutely amazing individuals that we get to co create this space together with and we are limiting the space to 14 individuals. So if you are a yes, we anticipate this selling out quite quickly. Head over. In fact, I'm recording this a week in advance. So we'll see how many spots we've sold. By the time this release is head over to my website, Amanda joy loveland.com, forward slash in body that's AI Nbody. And I will put the link in the show notes. So today's episode is quite different. And I was really, really grateful that this beautiful woman that I really don't know we connected through social media and then kind of tried to record a few different times, but got to step into this space, just recently via zoom. And as we stepped into this space, I was shown pretty quickly that we get to actually treat this a little bit like a session. So this is very candid, very real, very raw for her. And I was so grateful that she showed up. So just stunning in this space. So as we dive in, you'll hear how it shifts pretty quickly. And we I guide her through a few processes. And then she shares some of her story that that I that many of us can relate to and is something that we get to really talk about a lot of it has to do with trauma, and some different pieces along her story that coincides with religion kind of dances in and out. So without further ado, let's dive into this conversation that I got to have with Rachel. Welcome, Rachel, I am so excited to sit down with you and you and I don't know each other. So this is really fun, because I don't know, I really don't know anything about you. So today I'm sitting down with Rachel Wheeler, and we are recording via zoom. Welcome. Thank you for coming, Rachel and saying yes. Yeah, thank you. So you said you've never done a podcast before. So I know all sorts of little nerves come up, especially talking about talking about this kind of a topic can be challenging for most but it's always fascinating when our soul says yes Yeah, my soul says yes about nearly everything. Well, there you go. Well, I love it. What? I don't know where you want to start in your journey it feels, it feels like you already know where you want to go. Have you thought about have you been feeling into this? Um, I mean, I really don't know anything at this point. Tell you tell you what that means you don't know anything. I mean, my whole life, I've had all kinds of interests, like, I'll be taking classes and learning new skills, probably till I die. So I get really passionate about anything I get to learn, and I love learning. But the more I know, more I learned the less I know, obviously. Right? So I totally confident in a way, but I never really didn't have very much confidence. So that's okay. Yeah. So it feels like I've never actually had this with any of my guests so far. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna offer something into this space. And you either say yes or no. Okay. It feels like as you're sharing your story, there's also pieces that it seems like you're still kind of unwinding from that we may process through the podcast. How are you? How are you with that? Yeah, that sounds amazing. Are you okay? If this is almost like a little bit of a, like an actual session? Or Yeah, amazing, because I I feel very uncertain and directionless. Right now, I can feel it's 111 as we're talking about this. So if your game then I we're going to kind of treat this a little bit like a session and we're going to unwind some pieces. All right. Do you feel comfortable with that? Yeah, that sounds good. Tell me all the help I can get. Well, hey, I would love for you just to take a moment and actually acknowledge all the places that you have been and where you are now. Okay. Especially how the last few months have there been? Has there been a lot of unwinding? And a lot of shifts and a lot of movement? Um, I probably I've done a lot of unlearning, in the past, probably. I mean, I'd say 16 plus years, but the last eight years more intensely. So just a lot of unlearning. And now what sorry, there's because we're on Zoom. Sometimes there's a little bit of a delay, which drives me a little nuts, but that's fine. Yeah. And now I just feel kind of stuck. Tell me speak a little bit more stuck in where? Where do you when you take a breath? And you just check in with your body? Where is it? Where's that stuck feeling in your body? In my chest, and then in my really everywhere in different ways. But okay, how long have you felt this way? Most of my life almost. So all your life what? What is? Have you always been really aware of this feeling of being stuck? Or is it seem more acute now? Yeah, I've, I've always been aware to some degree. When I was a baby, and a toddler, I would just I would scream until I fainted. And I don't know, I feel like some of that was definitely the parenting that I was receiving. And I didn't get to, like have my own will or my own voice or anything. And so that was really frustrating to me. And I also probably felt limitations of my physical body. But I started developing my talents pretty fast, pretty early on and was tended to be pretty natural. Most things that I tried. So that's where I found my worth and value is in doing what did you do? Yeah, what were you good at as a as a child as a youth as a kid? Sports art and then when I became a teenager, I started developing all kinds of things like poetry and caretaking and baking and cooking piano by ear singing flute Wow, that's amazing. And all the while while you were doing all those things and becoming really good at that and and being seen in those ways how Did you feel inside internally? Not good. I was fighting against myself and being kind of a tyrant. I consider I did things exactly right. And if I didn't, then it was like punishment right away. Because that way I could guard myself from any punishment or judgment from the outside, like nothing hurts. As the pressure I put on myself. Well, and oftentimes, especially when we have things like that, that are going on within us, we'll keep we'll move. We'll keep moving really fast. We'll be doing the next thing doing the next thing doing the next thing. What can I go and spend my time in now? Because it's a distraction. Right. From what's going on internally? Yeah, I used to be. Yeah. Now I like just sitting still, I just want to rest and draw and create, create anything. That's my happy place. So you're you are a creator. Yeah, that's beautiful. What do you love to create? I draw. I don't know if you've seen anything on my Facebook posts, but I usually post with one of my drawings. my more recent. I draw, I sit down and play the piano. I sing all the time. I crochet I sew. But lately, it's been more just trying with all different mediums. Do you and I haven't seen that? I'm excited to go check it out. Um, do you find yourself when you do you dream a lot when you sleep? Yeah, yeah, I'm a dreamer. And also visions, visions, and dreams have always been pretty much there. So do you? Do you travel a lot? Do you know what I mean? When I asked that? Yeah, I work out things with relationships. And even between awake and asleep. I see people doing things all the time. And people before I meet them, as well. So what what spirit is showing me is that you are very etheric being in a physical body, right. So you can tap into a lot of different realms and a lot of different places at while being in the physical. And, and you feel things you're quite sensitive. That Correct? Yeah, definitely. Now, if we were in a full session, and you were sitting here in my treatment room, I would tell you that I feel like my whole job here is just to point you back to you. So I am a hollow bone or a vessel just to receive information. And to assist you in seeing you and those parts of you that you're asking to unwind and get more clarity around. However, I'm human, just like you are. So I have my own filter. So if anything comes through, that doesn't feel true to you. Just put it aside. And that way it gives you and I both permission just to step into this space, and let us both be held with whatever gets to come through. And if it doesn't resonate, beautiful, if it does fantastic, but you have autonomy, choice and sovereignty in this conversation. And hopefully you know that in life, but I just I just want to speak that to the space. And if you are you open to doing a little guided journey for a minute. Sure. I don't know if you're comfortable with where you're at. Or if you want to lay down it's completely up to you. Okay, maybe I'll lay down, okay. Holy cow, Did you just hear that we're having background noise? This is it. This is I'm really I love playing right. And in each conversation I have or each session or podcast interview, we get to play and I don't know what is happening outside in my house, but some kid just dumped a bunch of stuff. And your boys are all playing in your house. So it's like this is life, right? Yeah. Well, I would love to invite you just to allow yourself to settle in bringing all of your energy into your body. Now we're just going to call in your angels, your guides, just to surround this space between both you and I. And to just kind of put a little bit of a barrier at your bedroom door door so that your children are taken care of for the next 30 plus minutes, so that you can just rest and be completely present in this space. Seeing a bubble of light, a circle of light coming around you now holding you creating a conduit connecting us to both Earth energies Pachamama energies and to source the divine God. Just opening that space. And again, just imagining all energy of you coming back to you now that you're completely present in this moment fully embodied. And taking a few deep breaths allow you to settle even deeper. And for those of you listening, you are welcome to also do the same and I would invite you, Rachel, just to imagine yourself somewhere in nature. Somewhere that feels safe going there now. Notice your surroundings. Are you in the mountains are you by an ocean, a lake, a stream or river? Or even the desert? Where are you just see it now? Notice that your feet are barefoot and allow yourself just to be completely present and grounded in this space. Can you still hear me Rachel? Yeah. Okay. Your video just turned off. So I just want to make sure you're you can turn it off if you want. It's completely fine. Just wanted to make sure we were still connected. Good. Yeah. So closing your eyes going back into that place in nature and noticing if it's if the sun is up or if its moon if it's day or night. Is there a breeze? Are there any animals around you any birds? Good. As you're in this space, you'll notice in the distance a child walking toward you see her now? She comes towards you. Notice how old she is? Do you see her? How old is she? She is 14 months or two years. Yeah. And I want you just to kneel down in front of her and reaching out taking her into your arms and holding her bringing her heart to your heart. And as you are holding this little girl there's a version of you taking deep breaths and breathing her essence all the way into you feel those parts of her that just want to be held feel those parts of her that just want to feel reassured that everything is okay. That she's safe being in a physical body and all the senses that she's picking up on all the pieces that are so foreign to her or for her comfort and if she could talk What would she say to you now? What is it that she needs? This little girl What does she need? Now that she won't be abandoned? Yeah. Can you give that to her? Yes. Yeah. What else does she need she needs to know that she's not alone and walking into the unknown Sophie heartstopper kept him held Who does she want to invite into this space so that she knows that she's never alone? Is it you? Is it someone else does she have a guide that wants to come in to see it now and what I'm being shown is actually inviting you there's two beings coming in one looks like the Divine Mother and also whatever source God that wants to show up for you guys to come to this space. What are you noticing I noticed some resistance on my part. Is it because it's FaceTime and we're recording here freaking badass. Maybe more. I can't seem to get past the feeling of feeling unworthy. Yeah. Did How long has she had this feeling of being unworthy? Have you had this feeling of being unworthy? I don't know. Since I was little I want to just finish this little process and then we're going to step into another piece and clear that okay? Okay, your game so just closing your eyes for a moment I know for me I can see better and I can feel better when my eyes are closed. I don't know about you. But just staying in that space and nature holding that little girl that version of you. And what I keep being shown is she's asking to come back home to you. Is that available for both of you? Yeah, yes. Right now in this space and we're still gonna go and clear it but can you tell this little girl can you give her all that love that feeling of worthiness from the adult you to the child you can you give her as much love unconditional beautiful love, nourishment support? And that Divine Feminine mother energy that you now hold? Can you give that to her? Yes, yeah. Can you see how worthy she is of love? Yeah. So when you're ready, as you're holding her, can you imagine bringing her all the way into you. So embracing her imagine herself, her being starting to integrate with yours. And as it comes in, you'll notice almost a twinkling or this light that happens as her cells merge back into you. So she comes home. She's Welcome to home. And that part of you that is fractal off is coming back to you now. So for more wholeness. breathing that in breathing her in breathing it all into your cells, your tissues, your neural pathways into your organs. Moving through all the energetic bodies through the Astros, outside of time and space before you chose to incarnate just bring her all the way in. And let me know when it feels complete. As you're noticing her coming in, I want you to notice that a bubble or almost like a field of light now starts projecting through the crown of you all the way around you creating like a toroidal field of light that now fortifies your space so that nothing that is unwanted can enter. And allowing yourself to see that treadle field going up and out of the crown and down around into the earth down into the earth Chakra The Earth star and coming back up into your feet. So that cycle of energy coming up and out and down and around. What I'm being shown is bringing this part of you back in is now fortifying your space and like you've had it fortified before something about that aspect of you. That fractal out, created a opening or unavailability so now that she that's back in is creating this protection. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's probably exactly what I needed. That's why I didn't feel safe before. So I needed something. Yeah. Yeah. You want to go clear this piece of being unworthy of feeling unworthy? Yeah, I'm trying to figure out if it's still there, if I have that safety now, I guess we can check in the fact that you've verbalized it. So what's fascinating about our unconscious or subconscious mind is our subconscious mind is what is driving our reality, right? Like, maybe 20 is probably less than that, I know, it's less than that. Maybe 15% of our reality is, is from our conscious mind, the rest of it is actually the unconscious mind or the subconscious mind that is creating our outer world. Yeah. So if you have a limiting belief that's hanging out there and has been since you were a child, which is when our limiting beliefs are formed. So from the ages of zero to nine, of you're aware of all of this, from the ages of zero to nine is when we form our beliefs of the world, how it should be how we should be in it. So at a young age, if you were not held or supported in the ways that you needed to be, then you would form this belief that you're unworthy, unworthy of love unworthy of all sorts of things. And because the subconscious mind doesn't have, it's like our blood pumping through our body, it just does. So it will continue to prove you, right, you have this belief, it's gonna prove you right? So you're gonna continue having things show up over and over in your world that will prove to you that you're unworthy. You're not worthy to continue that thing and finish that to completion. You're not worthy to have whatever it is in your Life. What were you gonna say? Yeah, it's interesting said about these. I mean, a lot of us have dual perceptions I realized about, I don't know how many years ago, five years ago, I had a dream where there was a haunted house and I walked in, I wasn't afraid anymore. There were scratches on the door into a room, like someone was trying to get out of the door. And then I looked up on the shelf, and there were some dolls, some beautiful dolls. And it wasn't creepy. It was just like, I knew they were children that needed to be brought back to life. And then I said, it's okay, you're safe. Now you can come out. And there were five different girls that were different versions of me. Yeah, and different pastel colored a pair and different hairstyles, and they started walking out into the world. But they were curious and had no idea how to navigate the world. And I felt this overwhelming sense of responsibility to guide them. And to make sure they were with me until they could learn how. Yeah, I learned that I disassociated from him I was young, and created all these different parts. And so I, I've integrated them for the most part, but I think I still need some times outside help, the only people that could possibly understand because I've done so much work instead of much on my own. But one, really, we're all here to help each other home and home is back to ourselves, right? It's like, I like you, I do my work all the time, too. But it's like, it never stops. Right? We're always I was just writing about this, because we're doing this in body experience. And, and I just had a conversation with someone who actually came up to me and just said, you know, thank you for being real and authentic when you post. And I and that sat with me for a minute. Because oftentimes we think one day we're going to be there, we're going to arrive and it's like, no, I don't care who you are. And if anybody ever postures that they have it all together, they're lying. Always integrating, and always learning and always pulling in parts of us. And sometimes we do get to, to have outside help, because some of these things, especially to what you're speaking of, is challenging when we're looking at Fractured parts of us and sometimes just having somebody else guide, you know, hold you in that space and guide and pull assist you in pulling that back in. Very helpful. Yeah, so I, I'm always aware that I mean, I have the mindset, the conscious awareness, I guess, to say that I am whole, I am hailed. But, and I do believe that all the right people and experiences come when they need to, to bring things up and also to help us navigate through them. So really, a perfect trust, I just I guess it's hardest when I'm caught in the moments of weakness, that's the time that I just want to be alone, reflecting and creating and breathe through it, and go outside barefoot in cold water, that's my favorite thing. Or swim in cold water. You have learned so much through these parts of you that you have frag pulled away, it's actually forced you to know more of who you are, is what I'm being shown. If you didn't, if you didn't have can you see that if you didn't have all those experiences, all those places to where it was challenging, especially as a child that you wouldn't have been able to learn and cultivate and grow to where you're at today? Yeah, can you see that? I appreciate all of it. And I can meet so many people where they're at and understand them where nobody else can write. really grateful for it. But I think I long to somewhat be understood. And that's where what you just did is probably going to come in handy just learning how to do that for myself and feel safe because I do have little girl sites that just I mean, I am I love so. So powerfully, I think and I just give it all away. I gotta learn how to you just taught me how to do what I need to do. So one is asking that question for yourself of what what part of me is asking to be held and loved unconditionally, no matter what it looks like, what it sounds like, what part of me looks crazy. I mean, there's what what you're speaking to is something that I feel like I I am assisting myself and more and more of us in coming to wholeness, which means we get to completely embrace those parts of us that we've shamed that we've rattled off that we We have ignored because of I mean, the list the we could rattle off all the reasons why, right? Yeah. And those are the parts of us. I love that you had that dream of. That's not It's not scary to me anymore. I I recently watched the Doctor Strange the last movie. Have you seen that? Yes, I have. Do you remember the part where he goes to do the dreaming? And he asks, whatever his his, you know, girlfriend, not girlfriend in that space, hey, I need you to look out because they're going the demons are going to come because I'm entering a place I'm not supposed to be you remember that part? Yes. And they start coming in and they're going in and they're totally taking him over. And she says, I can't remember exactly what she says to you or what she says to him. No, I don't but I yeah, I, I believe if I remember correctly, she says you're a magician. Use them. And all of a sudden it she transmutes the energy of like, Oh, these little buggers don't have any power over me. It's just energy. It's just something that I can utilize. And then he creates a cape his cape with them. Now they do you remember this? I didn't know he created the key for them. But that part definitely stood out to me, because that's the imagery that I have in my mind all the time right now. So it must be the work that we all need to do. And standing up on a rock is my imagery. But they can't reach me anymore. While or they can. They can still it's like all, I think, and stuff like that. Say that again. I was gonna say they can reach us. They can inflict pain, they can try to pull us down as well. But we need to learn how to breathe through the pain, I guess? Or is it seeing ourselves in all pieces. So even those parts that seems scary, or we're afraid of meeting it in love, and knowing that it is a part of the whole, we can't have the light without the shadow, the light actually wouldn't exist? Our world would be so much it would be dull if there was only light. So can we meet even these parts that feel scary and demon that happened to come in and meet it in love? And acceptance? Because they are parts of us that are asking to be seen? Yes. And I can do that for myself. But I'm terrified that nobody else would be able to. Because so far, most of my family and friends have not even come close. So now I but I can do that for myself. I can I think which is beautiful. Yeah. So the more and more you do that for you, you then give give your children to do the same. And anybody who's in your circle and in your field to do the same, right? Yeah. Because your work ripples out. So it doesn't matter what other people are choosing because that's their journey. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And I think that that's beautiful. Well, part of you is, if you were to fully see yourself and fully love yourself, and you are no longer stuck. What would that look like sound like feel like I would be a famous cosmetologist or to completely transform like from the inside out, just by me hearing them and giving them some tools and intuitively doing what I do. Which is a lot like what you just did with me. It's so easy for other people, but sometimes I need to help with my own. We all do. We all do. I don't care who you are, we all do. Yeah. And I want to in particular health caretakers, because I was a military wife. And for 14 years straight. I had babies every other year. And I was day and night, 24 hours a day, not even getting two hours break per week, taking care of them and just feeling broken and weak a lot of the time even though I was doing an incredible work and also breaking generational chains and overcoming demons in the process of caretaking all the time. So, where are you caretaking for you right now? Well, right now it's hard, because I'm trying to get a decent job even though I feel like I want to do just what I love to do, which is what I do naturally which is creating and being present with people. Yeah, I have a lot of intuitive abilities. But right now I am working FedEx midnight shift and evening shifts just to get by on rent, and it's my first time in the world by myself. Because I was, yeah, are you? You're a single mama, or single mom now. Yeah. But also before I became a mom, I was the second mom and I was caretaking for my foster brother, brother and sister and also a bunch of other foster kids for my parents, and they were very codependent on me. And so I married right out of that situation. I tried and tried to, like, move out and do my own thing. But they're like, we, we need you. We need you. Yeah, so pretty much since at age 13, I've been caretaking. Kind of like as a second mom, and then as a full time military mom. And with not very much support in or home. So that piece that you shared earlier of feeling not worthy. Your world is reflecting that, right? Because, man, you have to give all the time because you are unworthy of others giving to you, you're unworthy of the world giving to you and actually supporting you and what you're wanting in life. So this is something that we'll do offline if you're if you're open. But I do want to do an NLP process with you that's clearing that belief that it'll be good. And it really only has to do with money, because I do feel totally supported in every way, which means I've shifted quite a bit people show up right when I need them as I need them beautiful. But I can't get past the money barrier. And I know that's a generational thing too. I have lines of people that have worked to exhaustion all the time and not been paid for you know, nearly for so while on money is such an interesting dynamic because I love that you're speaking of the generational piece, because if there is trauma or their beliefs, they do get passed down through the lineage. So especially as we're talking with religion, right? Also with religion, what do you do with money, you give a big portion of your income to this religion, to build up Zion to build up their things that they're wanting, wanting to build. And so it's conditioned within our DNA. I don't know how far back your roots go within Mormonism, but it's in, it's in the lineage. You work hard. You give away your time, your efforts, your talents, all to the building up of the kingdom of God. Right. Yeah. And as women, we give away our whole body in our sleep and our sanity and everything else, you know, we're required. I mean, we're expected to do it. Right. Yeah. Okay. Well, and we make covenants and ordinances to that. Yeah, that's true. So there came a time when I just, I mean, two and a half years ago, I had a total total nervous breakdown and, and breaking open of myself. And through it, just all I said, I'm just throwing it all off. And I'm going to unlearn and be done. And so I literally like rebelled against the religion. And against our marriage to I didn't want to, I didn't want to do the marriage anymore. It was never a like a real companionship. I was alone in it. So. So that was you been out of religion for two and a half years? Or it? Did I get that right? No, I only got kicked out last year. You got kicked out. Do you mind sharing that? Like got kicked out? Yeah. So I was attending beauty school for a full year. Last year. I graduated in August. And I think it was in April that it was interesting. But I was feeling desperate. Because two and a half years ago, I called What was my husband, he was deployed during that time. It was during the COVID shutdowns. The very, very beginning. It was like the last six weeks of school. And all of a sudden, I was online schooling, six out of seven of my kids. And I, I just I broke after about three weeks, and I called him and I say I need a divorce. Like this has not really been a marriage ever, even when you're home. So that's when I did but I didn't have the strength to follow through because he would talk me out of it. And I needed his cooperation, because we have a bunch of kids involved in it could get I didn't want it to get ugly. I wanted them to be healthy and happy through it and for things to shift in a way that they could start growing again. And that would be better for both of us. So I told him I needed a divorce. But it wasn't until a full year later that I went to drastic measures because I just felt still powerless in my ability to be heard in the marriage. And he had been doing well for eight, eight months to like start being present in our family and with our kids. And I thought oh, maybe this is changing. But um I basically while I was in beauty school, I met a homeless man but I was very it's like I'd say electric city I've been drawn to like a magnet, really powerful electricity. And I ended up just almost becoming obsessive with him, I would try to find him on the streets and make sure he had lunch and stuff like that. And then I started just holding his hand, here and there. He was laying down in his tent one time and just holding his hand. I felt homeless all my life, because I felt like I abandoned myself early on. So I've always related to homeless people. But it ended up that I ended up making out with them. And what's interesting is that I actually had a dream when I was at my biological father's house. And this guy actually reminds me of my biological father, who was out of my life at age four. But I was at the wicker house, and this homeless man was laying on the couch in the stream. And I went up to him and kissed him in front of everyone on purpose. And they all saw it. And I felt like something was broken, then some kind of binding was completely some cord was, in a way. But also my temple covenants were broken at the same time. And I did it on purpose, because I knew that was the only way that I would have the strength to actually follow through with divorce. Yeah. So then that happened, you follow through a divorce, and then I and then the religion piece on round two at the same time? Yeah. So I got to have an interview with the bishop break, and then the state presidency, and I was really proud of myself, but I can't believe how much I've grown from Ben to now because I had such as shaky voice in standing up for myself, I let them know I said, I said, because because you know, God leaves you His presence leaves you if you sin, right. So I told them, that's what they teach. Yes. But that's basically said, No, as a matter of fact, God and Christ, they've been with me through the whole thing. And I felt total rebirth two and a half years ago, during my nervous breakdown. I remember walking at a beauty school for the next several weeks after this happened. And all of a sudden, I just remembered who I am. So I was walking around, saying, I am I am. And I felt the fullness of me my power come in. So I told the bishopric I said, not only is Christ with me, but he is in and through me. And I'm healing. He's been mocking me every step of this way, every step of my journey. And the State President basically told me, Well, they all told me in different words that I'm deceived. and Vietnam, either, I have to say, I have to put a plug in for my bishop and my state president because they are some of the most meek and humble and genuine men that I've ever known. But I did have to say I said, okay, so you're telling me that my ability to receive direction for my life from God, that your, you know, your authority to be able to hear God in my behalf, Trump's my own? And, and he basically said, like, yeah, like, that's what the priesthood is. And I said, I hold the priesthood power as well. And the priesthood to me is just the power given to men to do God's will. That's the definition that I love. So I was proud of myself for standing up for myself, but I couldn't believe how looking back. Now, here's my new self, that I could sit there and see that just fine without a shaky voice, but it was fighting to stand up for myself back then. But how did that feel? Even though it was terrifying on the other side of that, how did that feel? It was awesome. So awesome. And you know, I had to build up to that, through speaking my voice to my husband. And I've been terrified of men since I can remember from the time I was little, because I actually had a biological father that had joined a fundamentalist, pretty extreme break off of the Mormon church, that practice polygamy. And his his idea of women is that women need to be obedient to their husbands, you know, just very fundamentalist. And he was projecting that I think, on my mom, even when she was pregnant with me. And then, and then I've also had memories come up through dreams about brainwashing through ritual abuse by him and He's not aware, I don't think because there was something that came over his eyes when it happened in the dream when I was four years old. So yeah, so it was kind of brainwashed into me from a young age like men have authority over you. And, and so I found that I've always had a very obedient spirit and people pleasing. And I'm kind of like Ella and chanted at the very end of that movie where she says, I will no longer obey. That's, that's exactly the curse that I'm breaking. I mean, in the midst of because I haven't broken it completely. But um, yeah, I, man, I just want to honor you, and sharing everything that you've shared, because I know that's vulnerable. And it's beautiful, and part of your human journey. That Holy cow, Rachel, really beautiful. And thank you. Thank you for sharing all of that. It is always interesting, the things that we do that we think we would never do. And yet it gives us opportunities like with i and I've spoken to this in a podcast before and one of my marriages, I had an affair. And I never in a million years that I would do that. But it was the only way that would get me out of that marriage, because I wouldn't have done it any other way. And I didn't realize it at the time, but later looking back, it's like, and then I was No, I was free. There was something about that, because what is adultery, right? It's a sin closest to murder. And all of a sudden, holy crap, I just did one of the worst imaginable things within the Mormon Church's eyes and within my family system. And now I'm free. So it's interesting that things that we choose, and then also the things that we pass judgment on with others. And yet, all of this is just part of our experience for so many different reasons, for learning for growth, for actually bringing parts of you back to you. Like how beautiful with that story that you are finding and pulling back your voice that has been gone since you were quite young, sharing possible abuse type things that are going on in your field. And that's something I'd love to chat with you. But we'll chat offline. One of the things that I have been shown is and I'm trying to decide if we dive into this a little bit or not. But the ritualistic abuse that happens within religion, and I don't care what religion it is, it's very real, very real. And nine times out, well, it always involves sexual abuse all the time. And what I was shown is that there is something that gets implanted energetically into the person being abused. And it looks very similar to something that's very sacred. But it's a little tweaked. And I found it really interesting to be shown this because what it does like you're talking about with Ella Enchanted or that even seeing your father in that dream that had this thing kind of come over him is in our society and in our world, when within religion, a lot of times things can look and feel like truth. But something's just a little tweaks. And that tweaking is actually what polls and is like that little shadow piece that we're talking about that will anchor somebody into that and actually create some sort of allegiance, almost allegiance casting a spell like this is where it's kind of that black magic. Yeah. And what the gifts in that right are the ability to, to have that experience. So then you can then see the other side of I'm not afraid of that anymore, because I've been there done that and now I can actually alchemize that pull that into the hole of all that I am have more understanding more ability to love others in a way that most people can't. And no wonder I've had my voice suppressed. No wonder I've had all these parts of me fractal out. And guess what? It's time for them to come back home now because I'm ready to feel whole. Yes. Yeah, that's incredible. You described it perfectly. It's, it seems so complicated when you have no idea what's going on. And, and people that do discover it, it feels like I mean, we are just seen as crazy. Now that never happened. I don't know what you're talking about. But it's when you try to escape the spell that I mean, it's just crazy. All the things that happen to try to escape. And then once you do escape, it's like, now I'm just in unknown territory. There's no book for them. There's no thing and it's kind of scary, but hopefully over time, I'll learn to trust myself. Well, of course it feels scary because you've never been Hear so it does feel scary. And yet I love one of my favorite sayings is fear as often excitement without the breath. And we're just stepping into the unknown. So you know, the places you know the places within you that have felt trapped, suffocated, all those things that you were talking about, you have known that, and now you're asking for a different experience. So anything outside of that, even though you don't want to feel that anymore, anything outside of that will feel scary. Because you've known this shit. You've known what it feels like to feel this place of suppression of not speaking your truth, if not all of these places, you know that. Now you're asking to not feel that. So it's gonna feel scary as shit. Yeah. And I got portable. Yeah. And I mean, the more I'm learning we have to do, I guess, I mean, because I feel like this generational stuff comes from both sides down both lines so strongly. I mean, there's a lot of generational abuse that I have already helped to stop. But it's helped my kids, you know, I've worked myself to beyond exhaustion beyond broken to give you the gift of being able to critically think and choose your own path. But there's still more work to do. I still have passed on, you know, some things. And they chose into that with you. Yeah, right. Yeah, they're teasing. So I think they'll do just fine with it. I, it is, like, there's that part of us that wants our children to have that innocence, and to be able to maintain that innocence. But then there's the other part for me that I'm understanding and embracing more and more of how grateful I am that my kids have access to tools and abilities, unlike anything that I got to have when I was their age. And so I'm really excited to see what they'll choose to do now that they have the skills to navigate life and be able to see their stuff at a young age, and be able to move through it like, wow. Yeah, I have to say that my two middle daughters came to me last year, it had to have been in June, both of them within about two or three weeks of each other, my middle daughters, they're the ones that have probably been ignored a little just because there's a lot of craziness going on. But they both said similar things. One, one said, Mom, I feel like there was this weight lifted off in March, April. That's when I made out with homeless man. Oh, interesting. She said, I just feel like more more happy, more light, like life is gonna be okay. And then my other daughter just a little older came to me and said, I feel free to choose my own path now. And so, so yeah, it's, it's none of my other work did anything like that is worth it. My little daughters, my middle daughters. Yeah. And this, this so beautifully illustrates something I was shown. I was really frustrated. There's a book called it didn't start with you, that actually goes to the science of how generational trauma comes forward, and how they've actually been able to show scientifically that yes, generational trauma comes through the lineage, at least seven generations. And, you know, is everything that you're speaking to how important that work is. And I see it with clients all the time. And I was feeling really frustrated, like, why on earth? Would we choose to how would we why I don't want to pass down to my trauma into my kids? Like, why would our lineage Why would we choose this as a construct with the design, right? So he's sitting with it one day, and I was asking about this, and I was shown something really fascinating, and you just spoke to this. But one of my other favorite sayings is pain pushes until the soul calls. So what if when we go into this stuff to go clear, because we're feeling it, that pain pushes we go in and we clear this, what I was shown is when we clear it, all the gifts from our DNA, our lineage that they grew and cultivated because they were going through those different painful pieces, those gifts also come forward. So when that is cleared and unbound and unwind wound out of our field. Now all the gifts from all of the generations also come forward. Yes, it's so true. I think it was a couple of years ago where I figured out my own definition of honoring and exactly what true honoring does, which is to see the thing, whatever generational thing are the people for all that they are all the shadows and the light, the demons, the curse person things. And once you do that, then sorry about that there was no qualify. Then basically, by not honoring by blocking ourselves and because I definitely put my parents up on a pedestal. I mean, that's how they set themselves as the authority voice. And so I did that to avoid being punished and I just saw them as God just as I saw God As is pretty voice over me. But when you actually start honoring, then there's this very or block that's completely removed. And you're right, all of that all the power, all the gifts, all the beauty, and the light just is able to flow free. So yeah, that's something that I actually taught a lot. That was probably one of the main things in beauty school when people were stuck, because people would come to me with major issues and their relationship with their mother or father. And I said, Forgive Forgive for you, you know, hope on a pono is a way and forgiveness method that I taught and honor. And once you do, then you'll be given greater, greater power over your life. I love that. And I love what when we can see and hold people when you're talking to the honoring when we can hold them for just recognizing that they're doing the best that they can with what they know, and with what they have. And then when we can also go in and, and recognize the gifts and the things that we have experienced through our lives. There actually is no need for forgiveness, because there's an understanding there have a recognition that a we're human, and be in all things we're asking for experience. So what did I grow through that painful piece. And once we can acknowledge that we can see that and we can pull that in, it allows for these, these things to unbind. And I just had a conversation today with someone about forgiveness is like forgiveness doesn't mean we forget, because that was a piece that I think people people often construe the two and forgiveness just allows for our energy to no longer be zapped into whatever that thing was, like I can I can see and hold you for. Yep, that happened. And that may not have been okay. And that created a lot of pain. But guess what this are the things that I grew from it. And I can forgive that experience. And I may not forget. But I can still be in a place of loving and loving myself first. And allowing that to radiate out. And one thing you said earlier, when you were seeing that you had starting to hear I am, I think is a really beautiful piece that you're adding into this because I Am that I Am. Right. In my experience. Jesus was not born into a world where he was perfect. He went later on and had maybe what people would call a break, you know, some sort of a psychosis break. He went into the mountains for 40 days and 40 nights. And when he came out of it, he knew he had an awakening. And we were talking about how you had Did you say you had a What did you call your rebirth? Or no, you called it a break? And I'm like who? I don't love that. It's like no, you were just awakening? I was yeah, I call it a nervous breakdown, call rebirth. It was a breakdown of what no longer served. And sometimes that looks and feels like you're going crazy. Beyond really letting you're coming home? Yes, yeah, I looking back. I mean, I've been taught so much about that whole experience, even in the past. I mean, from month to month and week to week. It's crazy what comes through, but it is it pretty much feels like and so people I'm like, let people be drawn to me that are going through this too, because it does feel like you're going to like crazy. And everybody around you might see you as going crazy. But what's happening is that you've been pushed down to the earth. And so you've been pushed a little further farther farther into the darkness. And then when it's your time, then you bust out of the seat and and start sprouting. And then you start feeling that first kind of waves of light, and then the fullness of everything. I mean, your senses are heightened in every way. And really terrifying. And you feel really vulnerable to because you've had this outer protective shell, you've been in the womb really, for a long time. And thinking that you're I mean, I was just thinking about this, this morning. It's like we are in the matrix, which means mother. So we're in the womb of mother. And here we are in the womb, we're in this warm water and we're comfortable and we're safe. But we're practicing using our muscles by kicking in and learning how to breathe and things like that. And then once we exit out, it's like this whole new experience and it can be really terrifying because we're totally vulnerable. We don't know how to walk and run and jump yet or anything so so then we just go one step at a time. Yeah, right. Yeah. And I don't know about you, but I've had many rebirths Oh, yeah, this time. That was probably the significant one because I was willing to just let everything fall off if it needed to. But yeah, I was gonna share real quick if it's okay, absolutely not. Um, my, my mentor, my first Awakener is what I call him. Eight years ago, I was at a help thing in in Utah, where they're doing all different modalities of healing in classes and stuff like that with my best friend. And we were both drawn to this man that had really long, dark curly hair that was back in a bun and a beard. And I looked over at him, and I just thought, well, like, There's something so I just felt ancient wisdom. And I thought, if I were to meet someone like Moses, then I imagine that's what he would feel like, you know, his Yeah. So I waited my turn to talk to him. And I sat down with him. And he spoke to me, I think, two or three sentences. I was like, what, I let them down. And I'm like, what we study these for the next 10 years. So immediately, my soul was so hungry for whatever it was that he had found, I sensed in him a sense of, he understood his power, and he was free from the stuff that I was not free from. And so I felt very drawn to him. And over the course of the next four years, I would go to his front yard. And, and I would talk to him for a couple of hours at a time. And he would listen very proudly, he was very present with me. And then he would only say one phrase, or he would do one motion. And it took me literally five years to understand what those things meant. He was my first Awakener. And after I met him is, is when I started having major, like just shifts, visions and dreams and everything. Beautiful. How amazing. Is it that people come into our lives have the exact time we need them? Yeah, it is amazing. So yeah. Yeah, I do trust and surrender to the process. And I'm open to it. I just after certain things happen. I'm like, I think some of the old programming still comes in a little bit when there's really intense experience. And well, you, you know that things are in layers. Yeah, we'll clear one part of the program, then something deeper will come up. And then something deeper. For me, I like one of my programs around control equal safety, like I am constantly clearing another layer, another layer, another layer. And yeah, it's always that's why it's like, okay, one step at a time. And just trusting that when I'm ready for the next thing, it will come in, and then and we just get to get to a place to where we start navigating it with a let with an attitude. That's more about oh, look how this is serving me. Instead of Ah, shit. What else is coming into my world? Right? Yeah, yeah. Ah, well, this has been a very unique, like, we didn't even really dive into your story too much. But we've been recording for an hour. So we probably need to wrap up. Is there anything else that you feel that you want to just share? or speak to or offering to this space? Before we close? Yeah, I guess. So. I just wanted to give everybody a lot of encouragement and love on your journey, because it's not. It's not for the faint of heart. It's not easy. And I I wanted to say that when this first Awakener that I told you about the last time that I saw him, he was standing 10 feet away from me and intensely looking at me straight on. And in his mind, he's saying, Rachel, do you want to be part of this work that I'm doing? And my soul said yes. And then we ended up going inside and my kids were coloring and I whispered to him, I said, But how? Because of my life circumstances, I didn't see any way. He said, Don't worry about it. And then we gave each other hug and he said, See you soon and I've never seen him since. But I knew in that instance, that if I was saying yes, I understood that I could be giving up literally everything of my world that I knew. And I still still said yes, this is my work. I need to do this. So it can be terrifying. But yes, clarity what that work is since a lot off and on, I still have plenty of moments of self doubt, because that's been the bane of my existence, self doubt. But I have lots of breakthroughs and lots of clarity. I just don't have for some reason can't seem to focus yet, and direct myself and set goals, because I unprogrammed myself from all that I practice such extreme self discipline for too many years. Like, okay, I need to bring some of that back ends. I don't know how to navigate it yet. But I've learned a lot about that which we can have a conversation, another conversation another time about that. But one of the pieces that I'm being shown is look at how beautiful of an example of just an existence of a human in this life fully embodied, just holding that space for you, and then imparting the wisdom that that however he was shown and given to impart to you, and how significant that was in opening who you were, and assisting you then to kind of start propelling into where you're at today. Is that is this work? Not just being that? Is that? Yeah, is that not what Jesus was showing? as well? This can you do? And then some? Yes, it's Yep, it's true. Yep. So what if there is no doing but being? Yes, exactly. That's, that's kind of what I've been living for a while. I just, I get extremely frustrated with everything to do with the system and the Internet and money and all the scammers out there. I can't even as my only stress and frustration life. I'm like, let me just live outside and attend. And I'll learn how to. That's where I'm at. I'm totally willing to do that. I just feel the need also to be here for my kids in whatever way I can. And just being is enough. Yeah. Yeah, again, that's, uh, oh, I want us continue this conversation. But I know we need to wrap up this. Because it, everything comes to choice, right you and what do we desire in life, there's that piece as well. And then we get to harness our energy, so that it's geared toward that thing that we are desiring. But then it's this really beautiful about dance between flow, surrender and structure. That that is a really unique thing. And I feel like it's something that is difficult to speak to, because it's something that gets to continually be experienced. Like, how do I create that structure to harness this energy to get towards where I'm wanting to go? Because this is my soul, my heart's desire, because we are the gods, we are the creators of our reality. So what do we want to create in our worlds, and you're this beautiful creator. And I know that I don't know what I don't know. So then I get to surrender into the flow of okay, God source my higher self, whatever it is, show me my next step. Because you and I both know, things never turn out the way that we picture them. Or we create as far as Oh, this is what I want. This is how it's gonna look like and it's like, oh, really, let me show you how it's actually going to be because it's always different. Yeah, I think I'm awesome at flow and surrender, but I'm not great at structure, you know. But it would help to maybe have a job that has specific set hours because I started a different time every morning and evening. So it's all different times in the earlier in the morning. Well, we'll clear that we're the peace and then I'll be curious to see what else comes into your field. Is there any or so are you working with clients? are you what are you this other part of you? That's more passionate if someone wanted to connect with you just to connect with you? Is that something that's available? Yeah, yeah. I last year when the whole I am came into view there were hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people like probably exactly what the mountain men had the effect on me they were also just drawn to me drawn to me drawn to me. So I've had to learn how to it's okay for me not to give up my energy and time to anyone that I don't want to. Yeah, good for me. But yeah, people are drawn to me I just right now I don't feel like I can get more than basically functioning enough for my kids with all the hours which is so sad, because my life should be everything there's a time in a season. Yeah. So give yourself grace for how much amazingness that you're doing right now and being a single mom and supporting your kids and doing everything the best that you can right now. Thank you Well then I will for now we won't there's no contact info or anything for you then right I just want to I want to allow that to be available if that's something you would like and if not that's completely Great. Yeah, I mean, I'm trying to think I don't check my messages on Facebook because I get way way too many all the time. So I'm done doing that but I do have a I'm trying to think what would be the best probably Phil Phil into it and then I can put it in the show notes. We can we can talk yeah, just share that with me with that later. And then I can put that into the show notes if people want to get in touch with you. All right, sounds good. Thank you. Thank you so much for stepping in this space. Is there anything else that you feel like? Or does it feel complete? No, I think it's complete. Beautiful. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am very curious to hear how you all enjoy this episode. One of the things that I've thought about recently is I love to do interactive episodes, which is a little tricky to do. As there's really no way to do it live via podcast that I'm aware of Now, unless I was going to go on YouTube or do something like that. But I want I really want to start doing opportunities for those of you that are really in a place of just needing some direction, to be able to come in to step into this space and to, you know, allow yourself to be open and allow me to assist you in coming back to yourself and to finding those places within you that are asking to be seen. So this is something that is of interest to you. A I'd be curious how you enjoyed this podcast. So please share, whether it's through that Facebook group, that leaving religion Facebook group, or message me on my Amanda Loveland pages either on Facebook or on Instagram, I would really, really love your feedback. And if this is something that you enjoyed, I do want to keep doing it. So yeah, give me your feedback. I again, I so appreciate Rachel and her willingness and her beauty and her knowledge and her wisdom of all the things that she's grown and cultivated. And I will share in the show notes the way in which you can get in contact with her. And one of the pieces that many have asked for is how do I unwind and deconstruct even deeper, especially with some of the things that I touched on. And I did create that meditation bundle. That's actually a four process a four step process for different guided meditations that are journeys to unwinding in the energetic realms, those places within you that are bound. So I head over to my website, Amanda joy loveland.com forward slash leaving religion tools, and you can find that bundle there. Also, you are probably familiar that I wrote a book that's assisting you in unwinding those places as well. It is leaving religion in those who leave behind if you search that on Amazon, you can find it or I will put the show the link in the show notes below. And then my my experience is coming up that I get to co facilitate September 22 through 25th. Again, if you're feeling a souls Yes, come join us head over to my website again, Amanda loveland.com forward slash in body i n body and secure your spot today. And I hope that this episode allowed for yourself to there's like a permission piece here right we get to allow ourselves to be seen and the more we allow ourselves to be seen in all ways. We get permission to others to do the same because at the end of the day, we just want to feel loved and we want to be able to love ourselves first. So can you love all those parts of you that are asking to be seen witnessed and held regardless of how they look? Wherever you are today, sending you all so much