Navigating Family During the Holidays

When you leave religion, and have family and loved ones that are still in, the holidays can be a tough season.

In this episode I share some suggestions for how to navigate family during the holidays so that you can have a beautiful experience.

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Transcript

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Welcome, welcome, welcome. I am so thrilled that you're here. I am your host, Amanda Loveland. And you are listening to my podcast leaving religion a guide. I have been taking a few weeks off as I've been traveling. And we are right before Thanksgiving. And it felt that we really, I really wanted to share a little podcast with some tips and tricks and little thoughts with how to navigate families through the holidays, because that's, that's one of the biggest challenges right when we step out of religion, and we're navigating family that are still in, and just those relationships. So I wanted to talk about that today. But before I dive in, I wanted to share it felt to also for those of you who don't really know me, who kind of been recommended this podcast, but didn't really hear my story. I am an NLP practitioner. I'm also a shamanic practitioner. And for a long time, I ran a clothing business. I owned and ran a clothing brand called mod BOD that was geared towards Mormons, and I loved it. But as I changed and grew, the brand changed and grew. And then I had a soul's call to dive into what I'm doing now, which is his podcast retreats. I've written and published a few books, I do one on one client sessions. And I was surprised and I felt called to do this podcast and knew that it needed to be from a place of not malice, not hatred, not anger, but just really a resource for those who are seeking a different way, a different way of navigating through religion, that just that reminder that we're not alone, and offering just that comfort, because when we step out of religion, it can feel really, really lonely. So I stepped out of Mormonism in 2012. And I've been navigating this world since and the irony, and I find it quite comical. I know more about the scriptures and about doctrine in general. Now that I've left Mormonism than when I was Mormon, and I taught gospel doctrine, and I was never really a script Torian. But it's just been fascinating this journey, and part of the reason is really this podcast, it's really propelled me to having deep conversations with individuals that are deep thinkers and, and really see that there is truth in all things, and truth in the scriptural Khan in the scriptural texts that we have. But there are subtle shifts or changes, if you will, and then the way that that religion comes in and kind of tweaks it and wants to take control over our spirituality and our connection that really is ours by our birthright, our connection to God, to source to spirit to the Divine, whatever you want to call it, is our birthright, it is part of what we are wired with when we come in. And often when we leave religion, the those parts of us die, because we associated it with religion. I know for me, when I stepped out of Mormonism, I remember sitting in this room, actually, and was at my computer, and I was writing and I was looking outside and looking at these rocks here that are a waterfall that no longer works. If you're watching on YouTube, you can see what I'm talking about. And I like the foundation of that connection that I used to have with all things was gone, because my God had died. And I grew up with a father who I loved dearly, and he would always just have such deep admiration for nature, for scenery, for the sunsets and talk about how amazing of a God that we had that he created these things. And so I always had that connection with nature and God. So naturally, as my God dies, my Mormon version of God dies, then the connection that I had to nature into beauty, and nature also died. And it was some of the darkest times in my life, and I've had some really dark moments. But when your connection to God to the Divine to source dies, it is painful, it is really painful. So if any of you that are listening right now, and are hearing these words, and you're in that space, I feel you. I am a voice of many that have been there, where you're at and have gone through what you're going through. And I promise you, there is another side to this and you you will get through it, and it is better. This ability that we have to really turn on our gifts turn on our abilities to our intuition, our sense of the spirit, our sense of connection with God is one of the most empowering things that we can do. It's really more stepping into our sovereignty. And our sovereignty is that ability to really own all of who we are, without attachment to anything external, which I know when I say that that seems like a little conundrum. But if I am co creating with God, which I do, then God the Divine is we're in tandem together. We're in team we're working together, but I have choice in everything that I receive from spirit. So when I got this call to do this podcast, it actually started out as a book first, I really sat with it, like, is this something that I want to do? Do I want to do this podcast? And can I do it from a place of not malice, not anger? And I sat with it for I think it was a year before I said, Yes. And it started, you know, as you all know, or maybe you don't know, it started first with this podcast, and then my book came later. But that ability that I have to connect with God and and have that sovereignty of knowing that even though this connection that seems more aware and knowledgeable than myself, I still have choice, I still have choice. And if I'm going to listen and follow through what I'm hearing from God from spirit from the Divine. Now, I always say God's Spirit, the divine because that everyone has a different context of what God looks like for a while I had to replace the word God was source. Because when I read anything that had gotten it, it really triggered me. So I replaced that word with source and I just kind of kind of had this my shamanic background, I kind of had this attachment with it, that it was the unknowable one, it wasn't a man up on a throne. It was this unknowable being. And it wasn't really actually, until this podcast is I'm reflecting upon it that really started opening me back up to asking deeper questions of who is my connection? What does that look like. And as I sat in deep meditation and, and created actually some really beautiful, guided meditations to unwind, and uncouple some of those old holdings from religion, I got to also experience some really profound connections with what my, my God looks like now. And what's funny about this, this episode is, as I'm sharing all this, I did not plan on sharing all this. So for whoever this is for know that you're, if this is resonating with you, and you're I'm speaking to you then just know that you are being watched out for there are angels, there are hands that have a part in all of our lives. And we get to be little angels, little whatever you want to call it for each other. So as you're navigating through, and you're navigating through stepping out of religion, well, one of the most challenging pieces is really holding that this is the answer that I got for myself, and then navigating into spaces with our family. And especially as we're walking into Thanksgiving this week, and then we'll be stepping into, you know, the rest of the holiday season. Being with our family can be one of the most challenging things. Now I wrote about this in my book. But one of the things that often happens when we step out of religion is we want other people to validate our choice. And the reason why we do this is because we're looking for that validation that we're not wrong, because this choice to step out of religion is a huge one. And all of you recognize that all of you know this, it was not a choice that was haphazard, it was not something that was excuse me, it was not something that you just did on a whim, this was something you were more likely having the stirrings within your heart for quite some time in having the courage to actually step out and be more in your authenticity of who you are, is not an easy feat. And so when we finally make that decision, when we finally step out, and we finally start allowing ourselves to be seen, and some of you may not be at that place yet, and that's okay, you can take your time, a lot of people will slowly take one step at a time, no longer going to church, but don't really want to tell my family, or my family knows, but I'm not going to drink in front of them, or whatever it is if we still play these parts in these roles of what we think we should be, and how we should be for other people to make them happy. Meanwhile, you're pretty miserable. So when we step out, huge decision, then we start really all of the programming that we had starts coming with us of Oh shit. Now my life is going to be crappy if my life is crappy. I remember when I used to say, oh, somebody laughed. This is this is the consequence of their action. They're not getting the blessings from heaven from God from from Heavenly Father. And that is an interesting and a really difficult piece to navigate through. Maybe they were right. And so we want other people, especially in our family system or our loved ones to validate that choice of us leaving because we're starting to question if we were right or if we're wrong. This is completely natural. You Have you felt a call to step out of Mormonism or any religion? That was your inner guide your inner guru, your inner connection to God telling you that this is no longer for you? And you stepping out? 100%? Was you listening to you? And that, my friends is one of the most beautiful, beautiful things? What is the most challenging things is to start being more and more of who you are now that you? What is your identity now, what does that even look like and be that in front of your family. And the truth is, all of us want to experience unconditional love with our family members. But it's not often experience for a lot of different reasons. Some people just they, well, if you are in a religion, the irony and I've talked about this in other podcasts, but the irony of believing that a god would punish someone for doing something one of their children, one of his children, for committing a sin is really interesting, because there's no unconditional love in in the way that the consequences are. And this, when you have a family system that's embedded in, let's just say Mormonism, and your belief that a god is going to reward you and heaven for how you behave on earth does not sound like a really unconditionally, unloving, unbiased God into me, God is unconditionally loving, and unbiased. He loves all of His children, the same Whitney, he she whatever God looks like for you. So if your system if your family system is embedded in a religion, your parents also have this condition with God that God has different ways in which you should behave in order to receive His love, His mercy, His glory. So that would then move into their children. Because that's what they know. And we do the best that we can with what we know at the time, right. And then the next day, or whatever we do better if we're wanting to do better for wanting to be better. So if your parents are still in and you're choosing out, or your family members are still in and you're choosing out, they have this conditioning within them, that they believe that God actually is a conditional, loving God. So they then will also do the same to you. Were stepping out. And it feels like this big oxymoron. But they don't know anything different. And neither did you, when you were in one of the biggest tools that I can remind everyone is when you were a part of whatever religion you also practice the same beliefs. And now that you know different can you really fault your family members, your loved ones for practicing exactly as you did, because they only they're doing the best with what they have. And maybe down the road, they'll choose different if they want to, but they're not. And with you making this choice, to ask them to be anything different than who they are, again, is a paradox, right? You're you're wanting them to treat you different now that you've stepped out. And yet you're expecting them to be different than how how they always have been. And really we've talked about I've talked about this before, they're questioning more than likely what their real beliefs are now that a loved one has stepped out? What do I really think about eternal families? What do I really think about when I die? If my child is no longer part of this religion? Will I see them in heaven? What do I really believe? And these questions will trigger a lot of fear within an individual when you're talking about religion, your connection to God and your eternal salvation about your soul, it will trigger a lot of fear and how do people react in fear. So as you're navigating through these spaces, my number one recommend recommendation that I would give to all of you is to do your best with holding your family members and the love in which you are wanting to receive. Life is about giving and receiving. If we're not putting the energy out there for holding a certain belief within us, we are going to get that belief right back. Life is always giving us results of of our interstate or in our belief systems, our inner limiting emotions, limiting beliefs, our wounds. So if you believe then subconsciously, more than likely that when you step out, you are no longer wanted. You're no longer going to be loved or accepted then that is what you will receive from your family members. But if you can shift that, reframe it, of, you know what my family is doing the best that they can with what they have, and so am I and I they're still my family, and I still get to hold them in love. I can still boundaries and we'll talk about that in a minute. But I can still hold them in love and see them for who they're trying to be and how they're trying to do the best with what they have. And so when you're going in for the hug if they're doing a half assed hug or a or there has hesitant It's, why not be all the way in with them, why not be all the way and with loving who they are because they were the same that they were before you left. You can't expect them to change because you're changing, that's an unfair expectation. And it's an unfair attachment that you're having that will create more pain for you and your transition, what you're choosing to do is solely for you, and to expect other people to support you in the way that you think they should, is. You're just creating more pain for yourselves, my friends. So holding them and love in the best way that you can, giving what you are hoping you'll receive without expecting them to, to give it back. Because that's also the other kick kicker, they have their free agency, their choice of how they're going to respond. Now what happens when you get triggered? What happens if they start asking if you've newly left, and this is like a newer family or a recent, you know, family gathering pretty recent to you leaving and they bring up religion? Maybe that's a boundary that you have of you know what I really want to enjoy the holidays? Can we not talk about this topic? Because I don't want to get into an argument I just want to enjoy my family. Or you respond with I know this was a really difficult decision. And as I wrestled with it, and as I sat with it, I can't deny the answer that I received, just like I know, you have your answers to stay. Without getting into the doctrine, I find that when we start getting into dissecting different things, as far as what what about this? Or what about that it doesn't go anywhere, because you're never going to get to where you're wanting to go. Unless you have a family member or family members that can really have empathy and are really curious. That's a little bit of a different circumstance. But if they're trying to have a conversation, because they're wanting to get you to come back to the fold, then there is no winning in that conversation. There's no winning, winning in that situation. So the boundary piece is a real thing with before you step through that door before you walk into a space having your boundaries with Where are you going to hold them in love or not? Maybe you're choosing not to. But if you choose that then that you're going to get that right back. If conversations around religion come up, how are you going to choose to engage or disengage from it? Are you going to excuse yourself? Are you going to? Are you going to say anything? How do you want to have a boundary in that space? You know, what are the boundaries that you want to hold as far as what is going to happen as you are interacting with your family? And you can if you're creating a boundary to avoid something that's uncomfortable that I would take a minute to really sit in that if you're creating a boundary because you really want to have a healthy relationship, then that is what boundaries are. They're like the banks of a river. As the river flows, if it had no banks, the river, the water would go everywhere. But the banks hone this energy to getting to where you're wanting to go, and what do you ultimately want with your loved ones, to still have a relationship, even though you don't know what it's going to look like. So creating boundaries from that loving place of really wanting this end result of still having a relationship and still, you know, cultivating and fostering a new type of relationship is a really beautiful desire. So when you get triggered, which may happen, what do you do when you get triggered and somebody says something, somebody, whatever, take a minute, you'll notice the emotions will pop big time. And what I do in these situations is I breathe. I count sometimes, especially if it's really bad, so that I can get out of my thoughts of what the hell did you just say to me, or whatever it was, I'll count, I usually count a 1015 20 and allow a no and allow myself to feel the emotions all the way know that the trigger is created as bumping up on some sort of a belief that I carry or why would not be triggered that deeply. And I let the emotion pass I do not respond in that, in that in that moment. And if you're in a situation to where it's a one on one, maybe it is a moment where you say you'll have to excuse me, and you walk away. Or you just take a moment and you tell them I need a I need a minute, give me a minute and you breathe. But triggers are really really painful and really really beautiful indicators of what is going on in your internal world. What is going on in the subconscious the psyche of you. If somebody says something that triggers you, where is the belief that you're holding on that it's bumping up against? Michael singer talks about these similar to some scars and scars that we carry on the heart. And when we have these different scars based off of different events that have transpired in our lives. There are filters in which we see the world so if you can imagine a window and us looking out of the window or out of our eyes, obviously looking into the world if we had these little scars Those that are creating little lines through the windows and creating fractals of how we see the world and our, our vision is skewed and that perspective is, is altered. Instead of seeing clearly out, we have a skewed vision of how we're seeing the world or how we're seeing a person or how we're seeing an event based off of whatever the Samskaara and the wound that is hanging out there. So when these triggers come up, Michael singer talks about it like this really beautiful, amazing, this is showing me a place of where I have a wound or I have a scar or I have some sort of a belief, they're all the same thing that I can go look at, I can go witness, I can go see and, and it gives you this beautiful opportunity to clear so that you no longer have that, that filter in which you see the world. So holidays are really beautiful time to gather. And they can be really, really painful. So as a reminder, and just to recap, hold yourself in the most unconditional love that you can. And then share that with your family. That energy that you're wanting to receive, do your best to give it and know that your best may not feel good enough. But knowing that you're doing the best that you have with what you can today is enough, my friends, and it is just one step at a time. I over the years, my family relationships have changed and changed and changed. And if you reflect back, I would imagine that your relationships with your family have changed multiple times, with or without you being in religion. It's just part of nature. As humans, we're always changing, we're always evolving and things come up things pop. So this is just another thing. It's a pretty big one. But breathe, use your breath to move energy and a move emotions move those triggers have your boundaries, how do I want to navigate if this is going to happen, because you know your family well enough, you know that things may or may not be sad, or how they're going to interact with you. So have a expectation for yourself of what's the boundary that I want to hold so that I can have a good holiday. And breathe through the triggers and look at them as this beautiful invitation to look within of what am I holding on to that's asking to be released and healed. I feel excited for all of you that are stepping into these places of really getting to know yourself that much deeper, and that much more intimately. Because our family and our loved ones are really beautiful reflections of ourselves. So I hope some of this helped some of you, all of you. And I if you follow me on social media, you will see that I haven't really been advertising this a ton. But I want to make sure and communicate it clearly here I have a really beautiful life elevated mastermind that I'm starting on December 4, I believe it's a Sunday, and it will be a three month mastermind. And this is a group that the group that's already coming together is I just stunning and really powerful and really empowered. If you're feeling like you're in a place in your life, where you're wanting more tools with how to really get to where you're wanting to go, you're wanting to learn how to cultivate your gifts, your talents, your abilities, that ability, you have to connect with yourself with spirit, if you're wanting to monetize some of the ways in which you move through the world, and you're looking for support and how to get to where you're wanting to go. Because oftentimes, when we set a destination of where we're wanting to go, in order to get to where we're wanting to go, it's going to require us to move through some really painful pieces, like you're doing with leaving religion. So having that support of Yep, this is normal, keep going, keep going, keep going, or hey, have you thought about it this way, is really, really helpful. And this group is crazy cheap, it really felt like there's so many people that are looking for resources, but don't necessarily have the resources to give. So I'm doing this group at 222 a month. And that like I said, it'll be three months every Sunday, the calls will be from 10am to 12pm Mountain Standard Time and may go a little longer depending on on the call and they will all be through zoom, I'll have different guest speakers. And this will be a really, really beautiful empowered mastermind. So if you're feeling the call ahead to my website, Amanda joy loveland.com forward slash elevated mastermind, and you can go fill out the little form and get on my registration list. If you are feeling the call to be a guest on my podcast, please reach out. You can message me on social media or you can also go to my website to the podcast page about halfway down. Or I think if you go to my website, Amanda loveland.com forward slash be a guest I think is the URL or go to the podcast page and you'll see where to click on to be a guest. But as always, my friend I'm sending you so much love there is resources and there's so many people who have left religion know that you are not alone. And that these obstacles in these places that you're moving through life are really helping you to cultivate more of who you are, and cultivating your sovereignty and awakening into more and more of the wholeness of who you are. So that, my friends is crazy exciting, and I am excited for you. Happy holidays, happy Thanksgiving and sending you all so much love.