The Process of Healing
The Process of Healing is a powerful platform dedicated to providing hope, healing, and education to individuals who have endured personal trauma. Through engaging interviews with survivors, answering listener questions, celebrity and expert guest and celebrating accomplishments that listeners have wrote in, our podcast aims to shed light on the struggles faced during and after traumatic experiences, while fostering connection and support within our community.
We understand the profound impact that abuse and trauma can have on individuals, and our mission is to offer a safe space where survivors can find solace, inspiration, and resources to aid in their healing journey. By sharing personal stories of resilience and triumph, we aim to empower listeners and provide them with the tools they need to navigate their own healing process.
Whether you have experienced physical, emotional, or psychological abuse, or any other form of personal trauma, the The Process of Healing Podcast is here to offer guidance, understanding, and validation. We invite you to join our community and follow our Facebook page for ongoing support, inspiration, and valuable information on surviving abuse.
For further inquiries or to share your own story, please reach out to us at coaching.theprocess@gmail.com or connect with us @ https://theprocessofhealing.com/ Together, we can create a network of support and healing for survivors.
The Process of Healing
The Process of Healing: Identity Exploration Special Guest, Jon Emery
What if embracing your insecurities could become your greatest strength? In our latest episode, we explore the transformative impact of trauma on self-identity and self-worth. Through personal stories, we uncover how challenging limiting beliefs can help rebuild a more authentic sense of self. Our "Enjoy the Ride" segment features a listener's inspiring journey, highlighting the healing power of trying new things after trauma. By facing the current pain of identity struggles, we offer hope for a resilient future, showing that symbols of insecurity, like red hair or scars, can become badges of courage.
Life's unexpected challenges, such as job loss and divorce, can feel like an endless cycle of despair, but they also hold the potential for growth and personal transformation. By connecting with supportive communities, I discovered the profound impact of friendship and mental health awareness as a lifeline during difficult times. We share insights into how these events, often downplayed by society, can be traumatic, yet they also offer a powerful opportunity for resilience and personal growth. Tune in to learn how a strong support network can prevent you from becoming a statistic and guide you toward a brighter path.
Embracing change and authenticity is crucial when navigating life transitions. By setting personal values, mission, and vision, you can guide your decisions and align with your true path. Discover how small, manageable steps can lead to substantial personal growth, with gratitude, meditation, and positivity serving as essential tools. Our discussion highlights the power of online and offline communities in providing encouragement and support. With personal stories and practical strategies, we aim to empower you to embrace change, foster personal evolution, and create a more purpose-driven life.
#podcast #interpersonalskills #lifescheckmark #theprocess #healing
https://youtu.be/H64-FSK9R2o?si=HDnCAK65k5jb4e6z
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https://youtu.be/H64-FSK9R2o
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welcome to the process of healing. Hi, I'm so excited about today. We've got a really cool, interesting topic that could almost be a whole podcast all on its own yeah, we are going to talk about identity exploration exploring self-identity and self-worth while reclaiming a sense of self after trauma. Susie, will you give us a description of what we mean by identity exploration?
Speaker 2:Absolutely. Here's the thing about identity exploration it's really a journey of self discovery and reclamation, where you are able to go into the complexities of who you are and explore how trauma has shaped your sense of self and really how to rebuild it stronger and more authentic. With self-reflection and exploration, we are constantly challenging these limiting beliefs that have been spoken over us or we've just through survival and through trauma that we've experienced, and so what you do is you challenge these limiting beliefs, you just embrace your strengths and you just cultivate a positive self-image. It's a lot of work, like a garden, and we hope today, as we talk to our listeners, to help them understand that it's possible to rewrite your narrative and create a life aligned with your true values and aspirations.
Speaker 1:I like that you said align with your true values. Because what is important to remember is your self-identity can change. Mine changed after my big T, it can change after a breakup, it can change after a job, but what does stay true is my core values. That is who I really am and how I express. That is part of my self-identity.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love that and I know for me, the keyword you're right is values.
Speaker 2:They're growing up, the truth was often twisted and manipulated towards my abusers, so really digging out what the truth is about my life and what I experienced and who I am as a person Because a lot of what was said about me or towards me was not true, the values that I always wanted for myself I know now they are true that I'm an amazing person. Recently I got a chance to speak with a gal who I was struggling with her red hair and being a ginger, and I'll tell you what one of my core values that growing up was so mistreated and just really put down was my red hair and my family, especially my dad, like he said, from day one he hated it. And so to embrace being a ginger, I love it and I surround myself with people who also care about who I am as a person, my identity and what I consider my values. I think that's an important aspect that we'll talk about in a little bit, but anyways, off topic there, I think that happens with gingers. Well, gingers are my favorite.
Speaker 1:But no, I think those are great points you mentioned. I had an ugly scar on my face. For quite a while. It went away on its own. There for a while I was getting Botox and it was helping with the scar, but I was so embarrassed of it I felt that it was all people can see. You can probably see I have a horseshoe scar on my head from a car accident. When I was a kid I was humiliated by that scar, but now I embrace it as it is a part of who I am. It is a part of it shows where I've come from, why I am so strong on certain topics.
Speaker 1:It's so hard to say to kids. When kids are being bullied about their red hair or their body image, it's so easy for adults to say don't worry about it, You're going to grow out of it, You're going to learn to love your red hair. But in that moment they hate it. That's what is causing them pain and issues and they're wanting to hide away from it. We know that it's going to get better for them, but we don't need to forget that they're here and now is not pretty because of what?
Speaker 1:other people are doing and we also need to be empathetic and sympathetic to that.
Speaker 2:Oh man, I love how you just said that, because you're right. It is easy to push towards the idea that it is going to get better, easy to gloss over how painful it is. Easy to push towards the idea that it is going to get better, easy to gloss over how painful it is now, and I like that. You said that it's a reminder. It's not pretty right now Way better words than I was going to say that it's sometimes it's a shit show. It's a shit show now, but it's going to get better. It's going to get so much better, absolutely.
Speaker 1:This, actually, I think, will be a good time to bring in the enjoy the ride segment. This one's gonna be a little bit different than what we've done before and it's gonna be a surprise to you too, suzy. This is a story sent in from a listener named mckenna, and in the email she said dav, you have inspired me to start writing. I'm sending you this story for the Enjoy the Ride segment if you all want to use it, and I thought it would be a great story to add for this episode. Mckenna, thank you so much for sending this in. I want to share McKenna's story with you guys. Enjoy the ride.
Speaker 1:Mckenna wrote for a while there. I was pretty sure my personality had gone on an extended vacation to Tahiti, or maybe it had been abducted by aliens. Either way, it was MIA. That's what trauma does to you, it seems. It's like your brain decides hey, let's just put this whole being a person thing on hold for a bit. I remember sitting in front of the mirror one morning trying to figure out who the stranger staring back was. I knew it was me physically, but the person inside felt like a ghost in my own body. It was like trying to put together a puzzle with half the pieces missing. So I started experimenting. I tried out different hobbies, like painting, turns out. I'm terrible at it, but it was fun to watch the colors mix. I even enjoyed a book club, which was a disaster because I couldn't focus for more than five minutes without my mind wandering off to think about the laundry or the correct way to load a dishwasher. It was during one particularly awkward book club meeting that I realized something. I was laughing.
Speaker 2:Like.
Speaker 1:I had a really bad joke, no less, and in that that moment I thought a tiny spark of the old me. It was like finding a lost puppy unexpected, heartwarming and a little bit smelly. From there was baby steps, trying new foods, listening to different music and even attempting to dance, which, let's just say, was a performance arts piece all in its own right. Every little thing was a victory. It was like rediscovering myself, one piece at a time, like putting together the world's most complicated Lego set while blindfolded and wearing oven mitts.
Speaker 2:I love analogies.
Speaker 1:It wasn't always pretty and there were definitely setbacks, but I learned that it's okay to be a work in progress, that finding yourself again is a journey, not a destination. Sometimes, the most important discoveries are the ones you make while laughing at your own terrible dance moves. David and Susie, thank you for being a part of this journey with me. Oh, that's amazing, and you're right.
Speaker 2:I love those analogies my gosh, I can really relate with that trial and error of you just trying to figure out exactly what makes you tick and what you want to be and what makes you happy. And I know for me the terrible dance moves. I'm right there with her and I totally enjoy it. And what's great is now that, being mom, my kids are like please stop, please edit out. And I was like I can't, it's going to happen. It's happening right now. This person's able to enjoy the ride.
Speaker 1:I loved it too, because I noticed that a few places in the story. She mentioned several things that you and I say. Like you all might've heard me smirk or grin a little bit when she said that finding yourself again is a journey, not a destination.
Speaker 1:And that is one of our favorite things that we say on here. Mckenna, thank you so much for sharing that with us. It was a perfect fit. So I think now would be a good time to do the listener question. We have a friend of the show's His name is John Emery you may have heard his episode from the Surviving podcast and we had a listener question come in from a gentleman named Alex. He's a 32-year-old teacher from a small town and we thought John would just be great helping answer this question for Alex. Alex wrote in and said about five years ago I went through a really tough breakup that completely shattered my sense of self. I felt like the person I thought I was was just gone.
Speaker 1:I've been in therapy and while it helped, I still struggle with feeling like a stranger to myself.
Speaker 1:Sometimes I'm starting to feel like I need to figure out who I am again, but it's overwhelming. Any advice on how to start this process of rediscovery. Susie, that was such a great question. It truly does take courage to share your story, to ask questions and to be vulnerable. And for all of our listeners who are sending in questions, we can't thank you enough. All of our listeners who are sending in questions, we can't thank you enough. We see you and we hear you and we are so glad that you trust our platform to be vulnerable.
Speaker 2:I agree. I'm so glad they share their story today and we have another guest on who's going to share some of his story and we've got some questions for him. We're so excited to see you, John.
Speaker 3:Yeah, thank you for having me. I'm excited to see where it goes.
Speaker 1:So you have a podcast and YouTube channel called Life's Checkmark and I have been a guest on that show, and you have also been a guest when we were doing the Surviving Podcast, when we got this listener question in and decided that we definitely needed to make this topic self-discovery, rediscovering yourself a full episode. That was no one I could think of better than you, because it just really touched what we had discussed in the episodes that we've recorded together on your show and mine.
Speaker 3:And just to go off of that real quick, I did read through what you sent me and I'm like, yeah, this sounds just right.
Speaker 1:So when we got this listener question in that was asking for tips and advice on rediscovering yourself and trust, and that the person that wrote in was going through a breakup. It just really hit home with me on what we talked about with you on Surviving Podcast when you mentioned your divorce at the same time that you're trying to find the career route you're wanting to take, and you were just in this place of chaos.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so I did have a job for 20 years which I lost about three years ago. It was around COVID, but it wasn't due to COVID, it was just hey, let's shut this place down. I was there since I was 19. So that kind of gives you an idea of those 20 years. I grew up in that company. I climbed the ladder a little bit and got my vacation. If that place didn't shut down and kick me out, I'd probably still be there today. I hate to say that, but I was getting comfortable and cozy, just crawling up in a blanket and did not want to move. Anyways, they shut down and I looked at it as an opportunity to find something new. I wanted out, but I had two kids at home and I had a wife at the time and I just stayed there. I was making good money. So, anyways, I got out and I dove into life insurance Totally different, not a steady pay, income or anything like that.
Speaker 3:I was enjoying it for the time being, understanding all this new information, making videos on YouTube or whatever, trying to share that out. I traveled down to getting one client and then, in the same year, I got the word divorce coming my way. Prior to that word coming up, I stopped doing what I was doing with life insurance. It was okay, go out, get a real job and get some kind of insurance. That's what I did, but obviously the job was not what was needed to fix anything or to make things better. It was May of the following year that the word divorce came up. I did pre-prepare myself a little bit, even though it's not what I wanted. It took me a while to figure it out. I was losing sleep, I lost 20, some pounds. All this stuff was going on. I a whole bunch of stuff that I'd never seen before and it was just like it's going on. It was just crazy. So that's a little bit of what took me down that road through job loss, divorce, and then everything changed after that.
Speaker 2:Going through that transformation, I want to tell you I listened to your podcast episode with David before this and what you're sharing now, I just think you're so brave. Part of the reason is I had something similar with my job, where you have a career and it becomes part of your identity, who you are, and for that to change and for you to pick up and make something not make something of yourself, but be who you really wanted to be maybe in a sense now and you can talk more about what you do now, but where that job it's easy to talk about, like you became that thing that you did and it's so hard when that is lost and gone and you have to, even for a marriage or relationship like that is part of who you have been these last 20, however long years and for that to change. You're just so courageous to take those steps forward and not get stuck in who you used to be.
Speaker 3:Yeah, thank you for that. It's not easy, stuck in who you used to be yeah, thank you for that. It's not easy, right? It depends on who you're listening to, talking to, you're surrounding yourself with that you can come out of something like that. Whatever journey you're going through, it's going to take those special people that you should be reaching out to, because not a lot of people are going to come and try to help you up, because not a lot of people are going to come and try to help you up. You have to be courageous, brave and open to seek help.
Speaker 3:Sometimes, before I share a little bit about what I did to get help, I was stuck in a hamster wheel. I was going to work every day, being the husband, being the father, coming home taking care of the house. I got molded. In a way. That was my life until things shifted. It's nothing I really cared for. I didn't really want it to happen, but after a while I looked at it as an opportunity. Life didn't happen to me, it happened for me, and that took a while to learn that one as well. But, yeah, all this shifted and it opened up doors for me.
Speaker 3:I connected through David, through somebody else that I would have never met if I didn't have a podcast before the word divorce was mentioned. It was like four months. Things were shaky. I'm trying to figure out. You know cause you can't ask the person sometimes all the time, cause they're going to tell you the truth. I did find a men's group was from the podcast and I listened to. Two years ago I'd have them tune in again and they had the monthly membership fee, so I jumped on it. They had all these meetings. I never got to the meetings because I had kids and I didn't want to lose this time if something did come down.
Speaker 3:I connected with four men and I got their cell phone numbers. We chatted through Facebook for a while and then got to know each other. It was like a hotline. You're going through something, you're feeling something, you can call this guy or call this guy, and that's basically what it was. I could call this guy. If he didn't answer, I would call the other guy or text.
Speaker 3:We get stuck in our head sometime and we think the worst of everything is really not the worst of everything I did. One of them does teach a lot about men becoming stronger husbands, stronger fathers, being a masculine man. So I did take one of his courses. It was for four weeks and it was right till the word divorce was mentioned and I just took it. I didn't tell anybody, I just so. I showed up. I'll be honest with you, the first two times it was just me and another guy and him and it was just Zoom. I was balling the first two times because I was still trying to figure everything out. And after that he's, you sound a lot better and you seem more calm and I was collecting myself. And then, when that word divorce came, I felt through these men and that shifted things and allowed me to just accept it for what it was, cause I didn't push back. I said, okay, I'm done, let's move on. If I didn't have that, who knows?
Speaker 3:what would happen. It allowed me to move on. It is true that 10 men kill themselves every day over divorce he taught me that and shared information. Things could be higher now, but I'm glad I'm not one of those numbers I really am, and so when I get stuff like this from David to share what I went through, I hope it helps somebody. I don't want to say I'm an expert in the area, but I definitely would tell you what I went through. This is how I look at things sometimes, but so that was my small support right before something happened, even though I didn't know it was going to come up.
Speaker 1:I'm glad that you had that. You had mentioned a hotline. When I'm a part of a sexual assault group and we call it a lifeline. If someone needs something, we just start calling until someone answers. We're a lifeline for each other. I really liked that terminology. I'm glad that you had that because it I got chills when you mentioned how you're glad that you did not become a statistic.
Speaker 1:I know from my story how just a blink of an eye did not become a statistic. I know from my story how just a blink of an eye can make you a statistic. And I was right there being one and almost knocking on the door of some other statistic daily. I could easily turn to drugs or some kind of addiction or destruction if I was not taking care of my mental health. I'm glad that you are not a statistic and that you are very self-aware and have control of the situation. I do have a question for you that I would like to ask, and there's no right or wrong answer Would you consider your loss of job, your loss of the home life that you knew at the time? Would you consider that trauma?
Speaker 3:See, and that's a good question, because at the time and still, I think no right. But then there's that yes. Yeah, because it did. Trauma is another word that everybody could define in different ways. I could see that break. That was enough to maybe come down, like I could have stayed trapped in my shell or whatever you want to call it, but it also allowed me to see a new light. It allowed me to open other doors after the fact of, I can collect myself after this and learn and grow. Yeah, the answer to your question. It isn't like a yes and no for me. I've been pondering that to myself, but if you were to ask a lot of people, I think they would say yes, this is a life-changing event, especially the divorce part. Men want that status, climb the corporate ladder or be an entrepreneur, and if they lose something like that, yeah, that could bring them down and they could.
Speaker 2:I could see them looking at as trauma as well, too well I think um so many people, just jobs are become their identity and it comes down to what you want to do with your life, what you're passionate about.
Speaker 1:We get that mixed up sometimes with what your job is no, and the reason I wanted to ask you that question, john, is because I think that we just naturally get groomed. You also use the word molded, which I really liked. I think that we do get molded into where some of these life-changing events become so common that people almost feel weaker if they put losing their job or a divorce and separation from your kids and that family divide into a trauma bucket, because everyone does it. Who knows who has parents that are married these days? And so I think that we, we have to give ourselves permission to say this was very traumatic for me, this was a big deal for me, and it is a big T for me, and that is okay. I think we have to give ourselves that permission, and what might be a big T for me might not be a big T for you, and that's okay too.
Speaker 1:I think that we are molded or groomed into there has to be a black and white, a right or wrong, a yes or no, and it's not always like that. And I think, when it comes to trauma and what people classify as their trauma is a personal journey all on their own, which leads me to this next question. Which leads me to this next question when did you have that aha moment, that moment of I still have the power, I still have the ability to take control. I have the want to. I am going to focus on my health. I'm going to focus on finding the career path that I want. I'm going to focus on learning how to be still an amazing father with my children, and maybe under a different roof. Now I'm going to learn how to control and manage this new life.
Speaker 3:A couple of weeks after the word divorce was mentioned to me, and I'll say that because after that was mentioned and I felt relief of, okay, this is done. I'm not trying to figure anything else out within the marriage, I'm trying to figure out me. I was with her since I was 19. I was living by myself for a bit. We didn't live together right away, so I was probably with. There was probably six years before we got together. As far as living with each other.
Speaker 3:I was on my own before but it was so long ago I had to find that again. I did this before we got married or engaged. I had to find that within myself, saying if I could do it before, I could do it again, even though I've got kids and I'm older and definitely different lifestyle and everything.
Speaker 2:But yeah so.
Speaker 3:I would say it's around two, three weeks. After that I was able to collect myself and work on different areas of my life. I started with being more mentally fit, more working on my emotions and stuff and trying not to let that beat me up. I don't know the exact timetable for everything, but I was listening to other podcasts, that kind of more positive videos and stuff, that kind of gave you more upbeat, positivity, mindset, all that stuff, anything to build that up, and that kind of grew my morning routine, which I really never had but I always strive to have it. Now this is what it exists of. I'll wake up and I'll say thank you, god, for another beautiful day. And that took time. This is not like overnight stuff. It took me like two, three years just to get that one.
Speaker 3:I'll meditate for 10 minutes. I write what I'm grateful for three things in my journal in the morning and I'll either listen to something positive or watch something positive and also either read a part of the Bible I'll definitely pray and if I don't do the part of the Bible, I do have an app for they'll come up with a verse or something. So that's something that I've been picking up and throughout the past few years things shifted a little bit. It wasn't like that, but that's what it is now. Some things you could try Like. Journaling is not a big thing for me, so that's why I just do what I'm grateful for I think it's just writing things out. I don't want to spend the time, because I could probably write forever if I wanted to.
Speaker 3:That could be something that's something somebody benefits from. I had a guest on where she wrote everything down on one page, asking questions and all this stuff, and then on the other page she would just respond back to it. It was enough for her to answer herself and find herself and feel better about it. So there's so much stuff out there, but that was the first area I focused on.
Speaker 2:And it was around that timeframe of two to three weeks. I love that. It sounds like getting a good, stable routine, like forging that, making it out of what you had before. And then also we talk a lot on here about the importance of social support groups that are safe. I love that you were able to turn to stuff online to find that too. There's the areas of the dark web, but there's also the light web. One good stuff out there that you found and I think that's actually goes back to the idea of the as you're discovering yourself and who you want to be, you turn to people, whether it was your group, through Facebook or online and the podcast. Hearing your podcast and seeing what you're doing on YouTube, I know that you're striving to be that type of place too for people. All the kind words and the affirmations, the good stuff that you can hear about life that is either going to be the anchor that pulls me down or it's the life best that lifts me up. So I love that you have that and that you've done that.
Speaker 2:Can I ask a question, Listening to your conversation with David before? You mentioned getting out of your comfort zone Once you had established yourself on your new fields of trying to do these podcasts and stuff. You mentioned how you went to Florida on your own for the first time. Yeah, I love that. I have a really hard time doing stuff on my own and some of my stuff I've experienced before.
Speaker 2:There was a time where I like barely leave the house. I was so scared and stressed out, and so I we talk about like window of tolerance and I love how you mentioned comfort zone, because I think that's how a lot of people know it as same concept, like your comfort zone and your window of tolerance is what you can handle at the moment and like emotionally, physically, mentally, everything. For myself, my comfort zone is definitely within my house. I love that we get online grocery shopping and stuff I probably never leave, so you're a real like encouragement to me of how you could do stuff like that. So this was a while back that you did the interview with David. How would you say your comfort zone has grown?
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Maybe just throughout your journey here.
Speaker 3:When I went on that trip, I went to pod fest and I was only a few episodes into my podcast. I was like I know a guy that was like an hour and a half away. He speaks on stage. I had the time off from work, I had the money, or said I had the money and just let's just go. And I'm not one to fly. I will if I have to, but I rather enjoy the adventure of just driving and see what it's like. So I drove down there, I got my own hotel room within where the event was and I might sound like I talked to a lot of people now, which I do, but just not always in person.
Speaker 3:I do find myself as an introvert. I didn't really approach too many people. Some came to me and I just I was just there to learn. I met a few podcasters and it was enough. Just those 10 connections. It was enough just to grow a little bit. Also, I just hired a fitness trainer like a week before I went. I'm like, look, I'm going to this event. I'm like I'm just starting out with you. I'm like what can I do? And I have stuff in my basement, so that's where I work out now. But he's like go to their gym. Let me know what they have and I can tell you what to do there.
Speaker 2:I'm like okay.
Speaker 3:So I was never one to go in a public gym to work out. I think all these guys are doing all the time they're buffing what doing their thing?
Speaker 3:I don't know anything I stopped in the middle of the event and I went and I worked out every day that I was there because that's what he told me to do and I was sticking to it. So, yeah, so I got out of my comfort zone from to driving somewhere I never would have if I still had the family at home. I got out of my comfort zone as far as approaching a few people to talk to and then also going to the gym in a public setting like I never would have done before, and that's just in that event alone. Things progressed.
Speaker 2:David, I got somebody that wants me to speak in September, so I'll be speaking for the first time.
Speaker 3:I have no idea what happened, but with the evolution of podcasting stuff, it took time.
Speaker 3:I don't want to say I'm the best at anything, but it's over a hundred episodes, almost two years for what I've been doing, and people come on and just share their journey and I enjoy hearing what they have to say and hopefully it touches the other person that needs to hear it and reach out for help so that everybody know that they're not alone. Becoming comfortable, getting uncomfortable it's. It's something that a lot of people would struggle with, for sure. It's definitely really rewarding if you allow yourself some time and space to do that. I encourage everybody.
Speaker 3:Just something small it's just one small step to say I want to see what that feels like and see what happens I think that it is a great task for people to try.
Speaker 1:I know that I had to personally do that, with my trauma happening in my adult life and the new fears that came on. There's a whole new David that no one knows and I don't even know. Going into a grocery store or a Walmart or a McDonald's even to the mailbox by myself was a task and I had to do it. One thing that I really appreciate about you, john, is you did trial and error to figure out what works best for you and to set that new routine, those things that bring you structure in life that you also enjoy when it comes to your working out, when it comes to your time that you spend with God. I really appreciate that and that you gave yourself the permission to say you know what, I'm going to try this. If I don't like it, that's okay, I'll find something else.
Speaker 1:I think we get so stuck in. I have to know right now what's going to work, and I know that I struggle with that myself. I need immediate gratification. I don't go to the gym because I need to do 10 pushups and raise up my shirt and have to be in the six pack and be good. That's why I go get Botox, because within a few hours I look 20 years younger. I need that immediate gratification. So I appreciate the fact that you allowed yourself to test new things. If you didn't like it, that was okay. And if you did like it, but maybe didn't like it at this time in the morning, you played around until you find the time of day that you did like it. And so all of that leads me to this question. I know that on your podcast you've done a hundred plus episodes. You have kids. You're an influence on people's lives. When someone comes to you and says I need to peel back the layers of the onion, I want to find my authentic self, but I don't know how. What would you?
Speaker 3:say to them? I would say give yourself time and focus on one area first. For me it was my mental health, emotionally and stuff. And there's the physical, spiritual, business and relationships Dive deeper, if you want. In some areas this is really what I want to focus on, but I would say, pick one, and that's exactly what I did. And let's just say the physical part I was working out in the basement after divorce came up. I was doing it five days a week and I saw results, but not the results I wanted.
Speaker 3:It took me a year and I hired somebody that knew what he was talking about and for six months I have a routine now and if I had to, I could reach out to that person again and get back in the rhythm If for some reason I fall off the horse. But it's so that I was able to work on that. For instance, I worked on myself mentally to a point where I felt stable, I felt like I was good and I allowed myself to stay in that place. Now I can still add and delete things and change it up a bit, but I wasn't done yet, so that's why I went to the physical side of it, and that also grows your mental health as well.
Speaker 3:Finding yourself authentically, your identity I know that those are words that are coming up a lot your authentic self. You have to give yourself permission to be who you are meant to be, without allowing the people around you to put you back in that mold again, where you used to be. It's almost like a flower blooming right, so it opens up and shines a light and says to the world look at me and see me. I think being authentic is where it's at and it's unfortunately for some people. You're going through some stuff like a divorce or a job loss, abusive behavior or alcohol.
Speaker 2:It could be anything.
Speaker 3:Unfortunately, the people that come on your show and people come on my show and they're sharing this pain that they went through and I was like I just went through this. I thought that was bad but I don't know if I could go through what you went through. But we're all individuals and I think we all go through what we went through because somehow we're meant to handle that.
Speaker 3:Unfortunately we have to go through something life-changing to find our authentic self, if we allow ourselves. You have to allow yourself to open up to a whole new world, and it takes time. So who?
Speaker 2:are you going to?
Speaker 3:connect with? Are you going to connect with David and Susie or somebody else they had on the podcast? Start expanding your horizon a little bit. Reach out to somebody, even just a quick message or a text, or put a little emoji or a heart to get somebody to notice you and might brighten your day and I'm sure it's going to brighten their day, because they want to reach out and help somebody. Give yourself some time and focus on one area and just go for it. Just one small step.
Speaker 3:Everybody thinks everything's so hard because they want to get from here to here, but you have to. It's steps, it's just baby steps. If you want to do the morning routine, just write one thing that you're grateful for and you can get to three. That's all. That's all it takes.
Speaker 3:For me, I started saying thank you every day. Just thank you, and that took time. I listened to that on a podcast. Just start saying thank you, you get to be alive again. You get to do something. You get to help somebody, you get to do what you want to do, and he even said it like it takes time.
Speaker 3:The habit takes 21 days or so for the kick in. For me it was thank you and then somehow thank you, god just popped in my head. I had no idea. I was never big into that. That came up Now I say thank you, god, god, for another beautiful day every morning. It's just like small steps over three years or so. Who knows where it's going to go from there. It's allowing things to shift and look at things as an opportunity and just say yes to some stuff. I have values, mission and a vision posted on my wall right here so I can keep looking at that. So when somebody is trying to say, hey, come this way, I can look at that and go no, that throws me off course. I need to be here and sorry, but I wish you the best. If it comes up down the road and I think it aligns with me, I'll reach out. It's like that stuff you have to focus on. A lot of people don't focus on that. So we all. Just again, a lot of people don't focus on that.
Speaker 2:So we all just again old hamster wheel just shift that way. So along those lines, is that your personal mission values? What is it vision for yourself? Like I've heard that for businesses, but for For myself.
Speaker 3:I didn't do like a business side, it's just me. For example, it could be me showing up in all five areas of my life and drawing. It's more elaborate than that, but yeah, but it's just so I can see it. It's on two walls and I got it on my phone like in the background. So, that way, if David says, hey, John, you want to do this, I'd be like I don't know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it fits, I love it. I really like that because I've only ever known it for a business and I've done it for businesses. But personally I think that so do you feel like those values align with your passions or where you see yourself? We're talking about identities, how you see yourself and who you are.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so my, I have five of them and you're allowed to change them. It's yours, right? You can add a value if you want to. I had a list of a hundred or whatever and just to go through that and break it down to five was tough. But yeah, so I have authentic, kind, loyal, loving and always growing in all areas of my life. So those are my five values and that's what I want to stick with.
Speaker 1:So, john, tell us about your show and where we can find you and check you out.
Speaker 3:My podcast is Life's Checkmark. It's got a big orange checkmark, just like the color in the background here with a guy because he's on his journey and he's walking up this checkmark. It's about people sharing their journey in life. So a lot of these people both wound up becoming some kind of entrepreneur, helping people get through what they went through, and they share that how you can reach out to them too. But it doesn't just stop with the trauma that you experienced. Right, you can be so much better, allow yourself, reach out to the people and become that person. But yeah, I've been doing it for almost two years now over 100 episodes. David's episode is going to be coming out within the next week and you can find it on Spotify, on Apple and most of the other apps out there, and then obviously YouTube, the Life's Checkmark, as well. You can go watch the videos there for the episodes. I have a bunch of clips for the videos that you can or shorts, I should call it Check it out.
Speaker 3:If it doesn't resonate with you for what you're listening to or watching, share it with that person that you know should be listening or watching. And same thing with what you got going on, david the people listening to this and your episodes, they should be doing the same thing. That's it. That's all you have to do is send it, and if the other person doesn't open and listen to it or watch it, it's okay. They don't have to keep pushing their buttons.
Speaker 3:I do have a coaching program if people wanted to start a podcast, so I offer that's at life's checkmarkcom, where I help you from zero to 10 episodes and hold your hand through it to get you going. Just like you, david, we all have this crazy idea to start a podcast, and it took me six months before I wound up just throwing mine out there. So I don't want that to happen to anybody. If they have this awesome, amazing idea to start a podcast whether they're an expert or they want to have guests, I offer that and I'm starting a podcast community as well. You can find information on that.
Speaker 1:Susie. We had such a great discussion with John, but I feel that this self-discovery, self-identity, this journey alone, that there's just so many aspects to it. So I would love to ask you the same question Do you remember a time when you questioned your identity, and what was that like for you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, thank you. I totally agree. It's easy to put people into different categories of identity and leans towards stereotyping. Almost Sometimes the experiences that we've gone through as a woman is different compared to a man. I know for myself that I don't necessarily consider it female based or male based, but it was definitely based on certain events. It was event based in my life, for example.
Speaker 2:I've had cancer and melanoma and multiple treatments, surgeries for that, and so it is easy for me to say that I am a cancer fighter. I, when it comes to survivor, that is reserved for the mistreatment when I was a kid, the childhood trauma as being a survivor of that cancer fighter. I'll always be have to deal with that all these years. But event-based one shift that really happened was after my dad disappeared and we thought he had died. It turns out he faked his death so insane, which is definitely a story for another time.
Speaker 2:But for a while I could definitely choose to identify myself as a person who had experienced great loss through an unexpected accident of a father, a family member. It's easy to think about it. When it comes to events. I identified it with my job as a career and who I was as a neurophysiologist working in the OR, and then that went away as well due to the trauma of helping with finding and recovering some of my dad's murder victims, where each of those things could be part of my identity, if I choose to put that forefront to the surface, and anything about those conversations that you have a party where someone's and what do you do?
Speaker 2:Or where have you been? Where did you grow up? That's where I think identity tends to come to the forefront, when you choose what stories you're going to tell about yourself. I love that I get to identify as a podcaster with you that's actually one of my favorite here and as mom, a wife, and just so much about my life. I don't want to say that trauma has defined my life, but it has definitely changed my life for sure, and I feel so much better about the person I am today as I've worked through that journey of self-discovery, or rediscovery, like you said, putting all those parts back together after it's been shattered by these great revelations and all those skeletons in my family closet, like literal skeletons, and then what I want to do is ask you how do you feel about that? And then what I want to do is ask you how do you feel?
Speaker 1:about that. If you're at a dinner party or with friends or meeting new people and they're saying, where did you come from? You get to pick what story you want to share. But I think that in the beginning of the episode, what we were talking about says it completely that regardless of what story you share, you're, your values and the core of who you are is going to come out in that story. And I think that is what is very important to remember and why, knowing the core you, that the things that you value may evolve and absolutely some may change or grow, but I feel that is who I am to. The core is certain things about myself. That stays consistent, regardless of where I am in my life.
Speaker 2:Do you feel like there is a lot of external pressure on you to define your identity based on certain aspects of who you are, I think as a female in society and then also as a sexual assault victim? It's easy for people to put me in that category of that, and we were talking about being redhead as a ginger a vengeful ginger redhead as a ginger a vengeful ginger, and where, like, there is a lot of societal expectations of what a survivor of sexual trauma is going to act like or be like, and it doesn't necessarily define our core values, some people do put the lens over their eyes, or the blinders, of how they see your identity. Do you feel that way?
Speaker 1:Yes. Short answer yes.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:What I will say. For me is being a gay man in the South, I stayed closeted for 18 years. I was a chameleon. I knew how to turn into who I needed to be. If it was a Christian I was in front of, I knew how to be a Christian. If it was a group of guys I was in front of, I knew how to be one of the boys. And then after I came out of the closet, I had a chance to get to know myself. But there was also roadblocks of stereotypes and stigmas and boxes and categories people were putting me in before I even knew where I fit with that.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And then and during that time, I go into having one of my big tees that put me into different boxes before I even knew. So I was running into all of these roadblocks. I don't think people were putting them there intentionally. I think it's something we're just trained as a society to do, but it was hindering me personally to really find who I am. Sometimes I've even had the conversation that I almost feel like it stunted me. I feel like I'm a little behind on things because I felt like when I came out of the closet at 18 years old, I was being born again. I was wanting to do things that I would have done maybe in my younger teenage years, versus an 18 year old when I should have been focused maybe on college or something year old, when I should have been focused, maybe on college or something.
Speaker 2:I was a newborn. Yeah, you had to learn the dating world from a different aspect this time, as opposed to all those things you could do when you were just a teenager.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, absolutely, and so I. I don't think that there's anybody to blame for that. Um, I'm definitely not trying to point a finger at anybody. I myself have to take some ownership and accountability for some of those roadblocks as well, because of, maybe, stigmas or insecurities that I hadn't come to terms with.
Speaker 1:I feel like where I struggle sometimes is me coming out of the closet. Everyone had to relearn me as well as myself, I became a stranger to myself. So then that fast forward to my big team. I was a stranger to everybody again, I was a stranger to me again, and I was getting so frustrated I was like, how many times do I have to reinvent or relearn? But what has been a saving grace and that I do remind myself of is from the time that I can remember my core values and who I am as a good, loving, caring, respective person is always there, and that's what I identify as oh, I love that, I love that, and that doesn't change.
Speaker 2:It just might be covered under some layers, but it's always there or hidden in a closet. Yeah, so it's there. So what I would like to throw out to people before you go to the survivor slay is.
Speaker 1:I think that this is such a very important conversation. I'm glad that you and I continue the conversation after the conversation with John, just because we can go in so many different directions, and so I would like to throw out to the listeners that we are open to having these conversations. Identity is so multifaceted there's race, ethnicity, nationality, citizenship, class, religion, spirituality, ability, disability, sexual orientation, romantic attraction the list just goes on, and so if this is a conversation that you all would like to hear about, have input on, write into us.
Speaker 2:I want to share our survivor slave and I just I think it's so beautiful and I love how it really fits into what we're talking about. This person starts out by saying hey, there, process podcast. After a really toxic relationship ended a few years ago, I felt completely lost. It was like a part of me had been erased. I spent so much time trying to be someone I thought the other person wanted that I forgot who I was. To start rebuilding, I decided to dive headfirst into things I've always been curious about. I signed up for a pottery class first, into things I've always been curious about. I signed up for a pottery class, which was a total disaster at first, but it was so fun Journaling and exploring different art styles. I realized that creativity was a big part of who I am. One day I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize the person staring back, but this time it was a good kind of unrecognizable. I was someone confident, resilient and full of potential. It's been a journey, but I'm slowly falling in love with this new version of myself.
Speaker 1:I love that.
Speaker 2:Me too. I really like those words confident, resilient and full of potential Survivor you slayed.
Speaker 1:Thank you for sharing that with us. We definitely celebrate you.
Speaker 2:I'm just so glad they were willing to share with us. I totally agree about pottery. I love that stuff. Your beautiful story of enjoying the ride. I can't draw myself out of a paper bag, I'm really bad at it. But like art, like pottery and stuff like that so fun Kintsuki pottery especially. I love it. To close this out, I want to end with a motivational statement. It's from our process of healing modules about self-identity. It's our self-validation statement. What it says is healing from trauma is a journey of self-discovery. It's completely understandable if my sense of self feels a bit lost right now. I will create a safe place for me to be able to explore who I am and who I want to become, building a strong, resilient identity that reflects my true self.
Speaker 1:Remember healing is a journey, not a destination.
Speaker 2:You are not alone in this. It's okay to take your time, explore different perspectives and find what resonates with you. Healing takes courage and we believe in you.
Speaker 1:Together, we can enjoy the ride.
