The Process of Healing
The Process of Healing is a powerful platform dedicated to providing hope, healing, and education to individuals who have endured personal trauma. Through engaging interviews with survivors, answering listener questions, celebrity and expert guest and celebrating accomplishments that listeners have wrote in, our podcast aims to shed light on the struggles faced during and after traumatic experiences, while fostering connection and support within our community.
We understand the profound impact that abuse and trauma can have on individuals, and our mission is to offer a safe space where survivors can find solace, inspiration, and resources to aid in their healing journey. By sharing personal stories of resilience and triumph, we aim to empower listeners and provide them with the tools they need to navigate their own healing process.
Whether you have experienced physical, emotional, or psychological abuse, or any other form of personal trauma, the The Process of Healing Podcast is here to offer guidance, understanding, and validation. We invite you to join our community and follow our Facebook page for ongoing support, inspiration, and valuable information on surviving abuse.
For further inquiries or to share your own story, please reach out to us at coaching.theprocess@gmail.com or connect with us @ https://theprocessofhealing.com/ Together, we can create a network of support and healing for survivors.
The Process of Healing
The Process of Healing: Interpersonal Skills
What if enhancing your communication skills could transform your relationships and personal journey? This episode promises to equip you with the tools to cultivate deeper connections through refined communication techniques. We explore the nuances of active listening and articulate expression, crucial skills in our hurried world, and share personal reflections on overcoming past trauma and stepping from the shadows of victimhood to survivor strength. By understanding how to navigate emotions and set personal boundaries, you can foster empathetic interactions and enrich both personal and professional relationships.
Our conversation takes a thoughtful look at love languages and boundaries, revealing how recognizing and respecting these elements can untangle the complexities of interpersonal communication. We share stories from our own experiences within strict environments, demonstrating how misaligned love languages can lead to misunderstandings. Learn how small, intentional steps like joining a book club or partaking in casual social exchanges can help overcome anxiety, encourage personal growth, and enhance emotional intelligence, leading to more meaningful connections and a stronger sense of self.
This episode is also a celebration of small victories. We discuss the importance of teaching essential social skills to children, using techniques that engage their senses and encourage effective communication. By sharing listener stories and questions, we emphasize the power of community and support on this continuous journey of healing and connection. Whether you're sharing a laugh with a stranger at a grocery store or learning to trust in new relationships, each interaction is a stepping stone toward greater personal confidence and understanding. Join our community in sharing achievements and insights, and remember that every small step counts in the journey of growth and healing.
#InterpersonalSkills
#SoftSkills
#CommunicationSkills
#EmotionalIntelligence
#LeadershipSkills
#RelationshipBuilding
#PersonalDevelopment
#CareerSuccess
#ProductivityTips
#Mindfulness
welcome to the process of healing suzy. We have a really cool conversation that we're going to be having today about interpersonal skills and enhancing communication and relationship skills to improve connections with others i'm'm really excited about this.
Speaker 2:It's something that I think for myself. I know I never really got when I was a kid in the right way. It's something that's so easily manipulated by people, and I think it's just going to be really empowering for all those people out there listening. As adults, I work on this and this is a sign that I am healing, I am survivor, I'm so strong, I just I love it so much.
Speaker 1:I think this is going to be one of those episodes where, in real time, we're going to have some realizations, because I spent some time thinking about this topic today, reading about it. Today. I have a positive feeling about it, but I'm not sure exactly where I stand. I feel that this was a big task for me and I learned that we talk, we communicate, we read emails, we read text messages, but are we listening? Are we stating things clearly? Are we understanding each other? Is there a disconnect?
Speaker 1:I mean, how many times have we read a text message and responded to something and been like, oh, I completely misread that because we're always in such a hurry. We've always got our foot on the gas pedal. Sometimes we just have to slow down, and one of the tricks I learned in the business world was, especially if there's emotion behind it, tap out the email, don't address it to anybody, sit with it for a while, maybe go back and read it the next day before you address it to the person to see if you want to change it Anytime that I've done that. I've always wanted to change things because I've been able to take out the emotion. That's just one example, I think that's such a great idea.
Speaker 2:It really gives you a chance to understand another person's perspective. It doesn't mean you have to agree with them, but just recognize that they might see it differently, and what you're about to say. As we talked about establishing boundaries, burn bridges. The nice thing about this is talking about interpersonal communication and the skills really does help with stronger connections, like we're going to talk about. You can build empathy and actually I think this actually I think is a straight up popular opinion Survivors are better at empathy. Like we could really put ourselves in other people's shoes. Maybe our listeners can sound off if they agree. Empathy is easy. You've lived the most extremes.
Speaker 1:I definitely agree with that. It took a little bit of time after my trauma for my trauma to not just be everyone's big team. It's my own personal big team and there's other things going on for other people and that's what we've talked about before comparing the traumas. It did take me a little time to realize that life keeps going. The world didn't stop for my tea.
Speaker 2:It should have.
Speaker 1:My world felt like it did, but everyone else's world did not.
Speaker 2:But I think having that realization is huge, as it plays into how you're going to interact with other people, how you handle conflicts and even being able to set boundaries For a while. You have this big exclamation point over your head, or question mark, as to why this happened. As you interact with everybody, it's the topic that's on your mind, it is what you are focused on. It's very hard to believe that that's not what everybody else is thinking about too, and so it's almost something that we do tend to trot all over their yard as opposed to just staying in our boundaries, because it's just unthinkable that they don't care as much about this topic as you.
Speaker 1:I know that I, for a while, would judge by people's passion on things. If someone wanted to minimize something that I thought should be at a hundred, then I was upset about it and of course it was all respectfully, at least trying to have that difference of opinion, but I would find myself getting heated. I also realized we've spoken about this before. I had to think what is my problem with this? Why am I struggling with their beliefs on this? Why does it matter? Is there something deeper inside of me that this is triggering? I can't think of a time that I have not sat with those questions and been like you know what? I'm probably making a bigger deal out of this than what it is and I'm creating a problem where there shouldn't be one. They think this, I think this. So many things can be true at the same time and we can all be open to opinions changing depending on the situation that you're in. But again we went back to my situation. In my world was my trauma?
Speaker 1:It took me a little while to look outside of a victim mindset.
Speaker 2:That's funny how I was reading something the other day about the idea of calling yourself a victim and survivor. I know we always wrestle with that back and forth and I like how it's almost like the stages of grief you have to recognize that you are a victim of crime and then be able to say I'm a survivor and I keep going and I'm focused on the healing. In a couple of weeks we're going to talk about advocacy and I feel like that's the next evolution of a survivor. We talk about thriving maybe is one of them, but to be able to advocate for yourself and others helps with that evolution. But in our modules we talk about this. For those of you who have done the modules, there are four different types of communication styles Direct communicators individuals that are straightforward and very to the point. I am not like that at all. Indirect communicators they may be more subtle or hesitant in expressing their thoughts and feelings. And then we have analytic communicators. They focus on logic, facts and data. That's me right there. And then we also have relational communicators.
Speaker 1:They prioritize building rapport and fostering emotional connection depending on the relationship, depending on if I'm at work, if I'm podcasting, if I'm interviewing a survivor, if I'm talking to my mom. But I laugh in my head because when I think about direct communicators, my mother and her side of the family are Northern, so they're very direct and straight to the point as where my dad and his side of the family are Southern and we sugarcoat everything and I like to think that I'm somewhere in the middle. But I really noticed that when I started serving and bartending, I could start telling oh, you're from New York, because it was never rude.
Speaker 1:It was. Just don't ask me how I'm doing, it doesn't matter, I want a tea. I'm not not here to be your friend. I need you to bring my food and my tea and we're good and I'm going to tip you. Or I would go to a southern table someone from here and everything is sugar-coated and sweet and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But it did take me some time to get used to the different styles, to where I wasn't thinking this person. They're rude. Rude, that's just how they communicate when it happened to be a little different than mine. So it took me time when I was younger to not get in my feelings about that because it was.
Speaker 2:It had nothing to do with me. That's such a good point. That's how I feel sometimes too, talking to very direct communicators one word answer, very short, to the point. My son is like that and I wish there were moments where I'm like, oh my gosh, that was so rude. Do you even know, like how you sound? But I think children also have all of those like they're trying to find their own way through it. To have the skill to know who you're talking to is so huge. You're absolutely right. Other than dealing with my kids like to try to help them learn how to do that. I don't know if I was ever taught how to do that. Growing up, Like communication styles, you had to pay more attention to how other people were talking. One thing could lead to an injury or mistreatment. We've talked about it before and we call it emotional monitoring. There's something about the way another person communicates that you pay attention to. Is this person safe or not?
Speaker 1:Knowing your full story, I think that you had a very small bubble because of the community that you're in, but you were taught to listen and obey. It wasn't about communicating, it was about listening and doing what you're told to do. So I 100% would believe that you were not taught how to communicate. You were taught how to listen and obey.
Speaker 2:Yeah, gosh, what a great way to say that. That is so true. And curse and death would find you if you didn't do exactly that. So you're right. It's not even just that my parents did these horrific things, but that we were steeped in an environment where all kids, within the Baptist church especially, are taught to listen, obey, trust, and obey is the song. You have to listen, you have to obey, you have to do what they say. You can't question it. Whatever they wanted to say, no matter how it was said, you just had to listen and then do it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, even with some of these direct, indirect, analytical and and relation-soft communications, it says logic and facts. If you went to them and said, but logically, I should not be doing this, or this is wrong, or here's the fact on this, that could have been detrimental for you, absolutely. I don't believe you were taught how to communicate. You were taught to listen.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's so true, and here's a question for you along these same lines. Like we're talking about communicating, but as we talk about my experience growing up in very strict churches, one of the things we were taught was the love languages. Have you heard of that before? The?
Speaker 1:five love languages.
Speaker 2:That was more so. It's five love languages. And then also how to share your testimony or go on visitation, where you're supposed to ask people if they want to ask Jesus in their heart, not just ask him, point out they're going to go to hell and then ask Jesus in their heart. Those were the type of things that we learned growing up. Love languages is the way you're supposed to interact with other people too. It's based on these five ideas. There's physical touch. That's how a person communicates. They use hugs, pats or play with your hair. You can find all of these types of communicators if you're ever in a church that has a welcoming time and then you're supposed to shake hands with people and you can see all these things. You've got those huggers. You've got those people that just want to spend time talking to you. So there's physical touch quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, words of affirmation, and it's not even just receiving gifts but giving gifts is supposed to show love or get love?
Speaker 2:I just think of that welcoming committee or whatever a church. Then that too I might say one or two words and that's their words of affirmation or acts of service Like here. Let me get that for you.
Speaker 1:In relationships it's very important to learn. There was a situation one time when my partner and I actually had to sit down and talk about it. My partner and I actually had to sit down and talk about it. I wanted affirmations, I needed to be touched, and he liked those things. But I remember saying to him I don't have to ask for anything. It's like Christmas every day I'm getting extravagant gifts, extravagant trips, and he didn't want or need anything like that.
Speaker 1:I was like you're always doing these things for me and you literally don't want anything, and so I don't know how to give this back, but that was his love language. So every time FedEx came to the door and there was something there that was him telling me that he loved me. It took me a little bit of time to actually accept that, because I needed him to tell me I needed him to roll over. When I rolled over and hold me for a minute.
Speaker 1:It's not that he did not do those things, but first and foremost, he was purchasing something and that was his way and I took that for a while before we had this conversation, like when we were first together. I took that for a while before we had this conversation, like when we were first together. I took that as in you don't have to buy my love. That's not what it is at all, at least in our case.
Speaker 2:That's so true. I think the relationships closest to home is where you see most of this and where it really comes to play and can be bringing the most happiness, but also the most hurt. In these close relationships, david, I am just really excited for you to share your. Enjoy the ride.
Speaker 1:I think it's a good time for it.
Speaker 2:I can't wait for people to hear about it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think it's going to help broaden the conversation too. So here is my favorite enjoy the ride segment. So I used to think people were like cats, independent creatures who mostly just tolerated your existence. Okay, I love my friends and family, but connecting felt like trying to herd cats wearing roller skates. It was chaotic and often ended in someone getting their tail stepped on.
Speaker 1:After what I went through, the idea of opening up felt like exposing my soft, squishy underbelly to a pack of hungry hyenas. I was convinced that everyone was secretly judging me, waiting for me to mess up so they could pounce me. Waiting for me to mess up so they could pounce. Then, slowly, I realized that maybe, just maybe, people weren't as scary as my brain had painted them. I started with small steps a smile here, a nod there. It felt like learning a new language, but with less grammar and more awkward pauses.
Speaker 1:I joined a bug club, thinking how bad could discussing character motivations be? Turns out it was a goldmine of emotional intelligence. We talked about everything from love, languages to the subtle art of not ruining your life. I realized I wasn't the only one struggling with this whole human interaction thing. It's been a journey, but I'm still figuring it out. Some days I feel like a seasoned diplomat and others I'm more like a confused puppy trying to fetch a tennis ball. Every connection, no matter how small, is a win. If I can learn to navigate the complexities of group projects and office politics, I think I can handle just about anything.
Speaker 2:I love that and I totally agree From herding cats all the way through, being able to navigate, this stuff is a huge win. It's not just a small win Huge. This stuff is a huge win. It's not just a small win Huge.
Speaker 1:I do remember after my attack, with it being public, that I felt all eyes were on me, that anything that I did was going to be oh, this is why that guy did this to him. Obviously he deserved it. I felt that I couldn't trust anybody and that everyone wanted to hurt me and finish the job. And that's it simply is not true. I say simply now, but then it was my truth.
Speaker 2:And it's tough because once you go to such a dark place it's hard to see the light again and you think everybody lives in the dark there and that everybody is out to get to you. It's hard to tell in the dark, and bringing those glimmers of hope back into your life, I think, really ended up helping. Just be able to tell that person is kind and they are nice and it's going to be okay around them, that's huge.
Speaker 1:Part of when I was writing in my journal the notes that I used to create this story. I remember taking those small steps. I never knew a stranger. That was something that I loved about me. There was never a stranger.
Speaker 1:But then one day I woke up and everyone was a stranger, including myself. I had to start new when I was the person that would run up and hug you. I now don't want people to touch me. And then I was thinking how many people have I hugged that didn't want to be touched? And so it became this snowball in my head when in reality, in most cases, the people that were running up and hugging were fine with me hugging them, or they would have been comfortable enough with me to set that boundary. I had to really talk myself out of that, and what I was realizing is I'm the one having the issue right now because my boundaries have been crossed.
Speaker 1:So all the things I was thinking and wondering is someone else feeling this way is because I didn't want to feel alone in that thought, because it was a brand new thought. It was a brand new situation and I didn't want anyone to ever feel the way that I was now feeling. I wasn't comfortable If someone wanted to come up and hug me, knowing that two weeks ago, it would have been fine, but now there's a new boundary, and I've got to say I'm not the David I was two weeks ago. What I learned, though, is it was only hard for me. It wasn't hard for anyone else to accept my boundary. It was just hard for me to figure out what boundary I wanted to set, how to communicate it. Even to this day, my friends are like hey, can I give you a hug? When it's we say with a smile on our face, and we always say yes, but if we said, you know what, today I just don't want to hug, that's okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love that you're the type of person now who asks those things. I didn't grow up in that environment, didn't really learn that until we were doing stuff to become foster parents. They talked about that there. Like you, give the kids that power over their own body by asking them if they want to be hugged. I love that you learned and that me and Sean, as foster parents, could learn and then teach our kids the appropriate responses and share more of that later. I or I can talk now about it, but I've got a great story about that for a motivational section. Oh cool yeah.
Speaker 1:Great, we'll definitely discuss that. I can't wait to hear it. This just came to mind. I have something that I've been wanting to tell you, but I've been wanting to save it for recording. So I started a new job and I'm not going to give a lot of details or mention any names. I have made a friend there that's a resident of the community and her son, he is 16 and he had never ridden a bicycle before.
Speaker 1:I got the honor to go and buy him a bicycle and teach him how to ride it, and they both have become such great friends to me and I just love them. They listen to our show, they support us 100%. Every time. Every Thursday, they're like I can't wait to watch, and so that's exciting. So they're going to hear us say this to them. But there was something that happened and it goes in line with what we were just discussing. One day, my new friend, he said David, do you want to hug? And heck, yeah, I did. And what I think is so cool is every day that I see him he's do you want to hug? And he asked me first.
Speaker 1:And I just think that's so great. And to see someone his age doing that that just knows what boundaries are Like his mother has done such a damn good job. I just really appreciated that. I also love the fact that the moment he asked, he could tell I was overwhelmed with work and trying to figure out all these things, but he still, at 16 years old, was able to see that I just needed to be reminded to just breathe, hug it out. When they see me two or three times a day, we take walks together. If I'm working, they always see if I want anything. They've just become so great To be able to have that memory with him and that experience with him because I don't have kids of my own, so that the fact that I got to teach him how to ride a bike is something that I probably would not have had if it wasn't for him, and I don't think they even know how big of a gift that was for me.
Speaker 1:They even know how big of a gift that was for me, but yeah we were talking about asking permission and for him to know that at that age, to say, hey, do you want this? And it's okay if you don't, I just thought was so cool. So I know that they're listening, guys. I didn't mention your name because I didn't tell you I was going to do this. So out of respect, I want to mention your name, but I love you both so much and thank you for all your support. I wanted to share that story with everybody.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, I love it. I'm so excited to come visit you and then like be able to give these people hugs too, oh they're just so sweet, oh my.
Speaker 1:God.
Speaker 2:So kind. Oh, it's terrific. Yeah, goodness, thank you for sharing that. I love that we get the chance to connect with people in this amazing way, talking about communication, like what a great ability we have in this day and age to connect and use our voices for good and our abilities. So, david, I have to be honest, I guess we're talking about this. Sometimes I really cannot tell what other people are like, like the reasons behind why they said something, and it distresses me. Sometimes it makes me a little anxious because I wonder why would they do that or say that. I know it's because I'm still wrestling with the question of why this stuff happened to me when I was younger, because I can't tell why they did it. It does make me question why other people do stuff. Has that ever bothered you or have you ever had that problem?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I have gotten used to asking questions that will also set boundaries, but hopefully asking questions in a way that doesn't cause conflict.
Speaker 2:I know that.
Speaker 1:I've used this in any type of relationship that I've had, whether it's to my boss, to someone that I'm a boss of, friends, family. There's usually around three questions that I'll ask, depending on what's best for the situation. In some situations I'll say I hear what you're saying. It's making me feel a certain type of way and I don't want to misunderstand. Could you rephrase it or did you mean to ask me the question that way and, if so, what is your intent behind it?
Speaker 1:I want to better understand before I allow myself to have a reaction. And so what that is saying to people with the boundary is you're crossing a line on how I allow people, regardless of your status with me, to communicate with me. So if you're wanting to communicate with me, we need to understand each other's boundaries and each other's intent. Did you mean for me to feel this way? What did you mean to accomplish by speaking to me that way? Am I misunderstanding your intent?
Speaker 1:Would you like, or would you mind, to even just rephrase that question? That's the one that I like to use a lot. Would you mind to maybe rephrase that, because I'm taking it in a very harsh way and I'm not sure that's the way that you mean it harsh way, and I'm not sure that's the way that you mean it. So I'm wanting to understand your intent. Could you rephrase that question? And it never fails, they backtrack and rephrase their statement or question in a way where it's not crossing a boundary and from then on they know how they can and cannot talk to me, and I've not had a negative reaction toward that.
Speaker 2:I love that so much and I've got my doc here, mongo, he wants to be vetted while we're talking. I love the way you said that, like that is so much better than where my initial reaction is to say what the hell is happening right now. I think that's just so much kinder and getting it better results.
Speaker 1:It keeps me in charge of myself and of my boundaries and situation. Because even if they said I'm asking you this because I'm pissed off, say okay, so I'm asking you this because I'm pissed off, say okay, so I'm hearing that. Why are you pissed? Is it something I've done or something that we can correct together? And there has been a conversation that I had to have with somebody. It went exactly like that, where they're like I'm pissed, so I don't care how you take it, I'm like, okay, let's take this emotion you're having and let's break it down and let's figure this out. And then, once we did and things have calmed down, when they were leaving my office, I gave them the reminder of hey, come to me first, watch how you speak to me. We will resolve it.
Speaker 1:If you immediately go into what the hell is this attitude about? They're defensive Now, you're defensive Now. It's a war and you're not listening to each other. All boundaries are going to be crossed, nothing's going to be accomplished and the rest of your day is ruined. Yeah, the minute you say I'm sensing some frustration in you, I'm going to step away for a moment. I would like for you to revise your question when I come back and let's see if we can get to a better place with it.
Speaker 2:I love it. I'm going to start using that. I love it so much.
Speaker 1:Susie, I'm glad that you brought that up because I feel like today's listener question flows into this and I have a few responses and questions that I would like to speak on after we read this question, because I think it'll be very fitting. So the listener question for the it Takes Courage segment today. He says Hi, my name is Chris. I'm 29 years old. I've always been more comfortable with computers than people. I've got a great job and a decent group of friends, but I feel like I'm always on the outside looking in. I want to be better at connecting with people on a deeper level, but I don't know where to start. Annie, would you?
Speaker 2:like to speak on this first. I totally understand where he's coming from and I just love that he recognizes that there's something blocking his ability to connect and he wants to figure out what that is, break it down and be able to have a richer, deeper life. I love it so much. I totally understand, just like we were talking about. I think, like we discussed with the types of listeners and knowing what your love language or what theirs is, any of those can be used to.
Speaker 2:Maybe it's just because of my experiences all these years that I've learned that there is a way that you can take all this information about people and the way they communicate and be able to manipulate them into what you want them to say or do or what you think they're saying or doing. Like we talked about in our first episode of preloading, it's easy to have a goal. When you talk to somebody and manipulate the conversation to get to that goal or, in a way, you're manipulating the person too. I'm not saying that Chris is going to do that. I just know that figuring out what's blocking the communication and why this is happening is a good first step to then knowing what you want to do with it and like yeah, I took his question as in he was starting to find that he was missing something in his life, which I really respect when people start to think you know what.
Speaker 1:I just want a deeper connection. I want different types of conversations, and so I remember when I started being social again after my trauma and how I would set a boundary but also be polite If people would come up to me and say, hey, I've been thinking about you, how are you doing, how's therapy going. If they're asking me to go into detail, I would say to them you know what? We're here to have a good time tonight, so I'm not going to go into detail about it tonight. I'm doing good and being here today is a big step and I appreciate you coming up and saying hi or being here with me. It's inspiring me to want to continue to do this. This is part of my growth, so thank you for that. And so that has set that boundary of I'm out to have a good time. I'm not talking about this here now. So it's having a place for it. This Applebee's bar is not where I want to do it. They've always been very respectful with that. It's okay to start small. I know we say that a lot.
Speaker 1:I think that maybe there is maybe a bit of a shyness or a little bit maybe out of your element to have a personal, one-on-one connection, because he mentioned things with computers. What I started practicing when I wanted to make friends and not dive deep into stuff is, I would think of like a TV show or a new concert that I just went to or something, and bring that up. If it was, let's say it was a new movie that I just watched and I asked this person have you seen this movie? I'll respond based on if they say yes or no. But then to get it deeper is what I could say. It reminded me of this movie I used to watch when I was a kid, and my dad and I, and so that's bringing it to a different level, but it's still working its way into it.
Speaker 1:Versus hi. My name is david and I watched this movie and my dad did this. My mom does that. You know what I mean. Like it makes it into a conversation where you're easing into things. But I would also pause or even ask them a question of does this remind you of any like childhood memory, like it did me, and let them respond and listen to their story. When people listen to you but you also listen to them creates that connection. Once they know that you want to hear them, that you want them to participate in the conversation as much as you, and that you and they are equal, walls are going to come down and those conversations are going to lead into something deeper, where next time you're saying, hey, what if we got a group of people together and watch part two that comes out next week, or whatever the case may be. Things like that helped me get to a comfortable place where boundaries were also being set through conversation and where I was learning about someone else and getting to that deeper connection. So I hope that helps.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love that Chris wanted to just build this trust and, like you said, start small, start with your friends that you do have and again even the people in your home, and build out from there, establishing trust. I talk about my kids here a little bit and some of the things we did to help them, but that's still applicable for us as adults where to build trust, to be honest with what we're saying, have that level of integrity, like just with your actions too, I think really makes a difference too, and I know if Chris is caring about those deeper connections, he's already hopefully working towards that stuff and considers that important too. And I think having that for yourself and then also knowing that you can trust the people around you huge. I did take communication in college a couple of different classes, but like they were a little outside of my major but still totally helpful, and there are just so many things out there like classes or different topics that you can find to help with communication. How to talk digitally, like through text or an email, I think is huge Knowing that. And then also again how to build trust and how to read nonverbal communication, like there's so much that goes into it. Gosh, we could build a whole series just around this. I love how we're talking to Chris and, again, I love how our communities just works together to help each other and that's something that he can know. There are people out there that will be patient with him and kind as he works through this, and it's actually part of why I love our survivor slate today.
Speaker 2:This is from Jess, why I love our survivor slate today. This is from Jess, 32 year old, living in Austin, texas, and I say I used to be the queen of avoiding people. If there was a social event, I'd rather clean my oven. Trauma had built an invisible wall around me and I was perfectly content with my solitary existence. Then one day, a random act of kindness from a stranger completely shook my world. They held the door for me and instead of my usual mumble and dash, I actually said thank you. It was like a tiny crack in the wall.
Speaker 2:I started forcing myself into uncomfortable situations small talk at the grocery store, joining a book club, even trying online dating. It was terrifying, but with each awkward interaction I felt a little less alone. I realized people aren't as scary as my brain made them out to be. I'm not saying I'm a social butterfly, but I can hold a conversation without wanting to crawl under a rock. It's been a journey, but it's worth it to feel connected. But it's worth it to feel connected. Oh, jess, I love this for you Just so much. It's just like she said, the little getting into those little situations and then like expanding from there, like ice in a crack, and it does expand it. This is awesome. What do you think?
Speaker 1:Oh no, it's completely awesome. And what I want to say to Jess is I can name two people off the top of my head that are close people in my life now that I met like at a one of them. I met at a restaurant. So there's this restaurant by my house and I lived by myself. This was years ago, lived by myself, and I lived by myself this was years ago, lived by myself and I would go set the bar and make friends with the bartender. That way I felt comfortable.
Speaker 1:But then I noticed that there was a girl that would come doing the same thing just set the bar by herself, like, play on her phone, read a book, eat dinner. And so after a couple of times, like she and I just started casually talking and then we found that every Tuesday we were both doing the same thing. So it became our thing and I made a friend with her just from exactly what you said you were doing, jess, just that small talking line at the grocery store. So their relationships can be built that way. For the longest time, my friend and I every Tuesday would meet at the bar and we were safe. We would walk each other to the, to our cars.
Speaker 1:It was really nice and this was perfect to. This is a perfect sleigh after Chris's. It takes courage question. And what I want to say, chris, is this just is prime example of those little steps that you can do that are really big steps. And even Jess just writing in, that is doing this, that is communicating, that is reaching out for that connection and being a part of even this community, even if it is just a digital community, which should be perfect for Chris, because that's what he's good at. So I just wanted to pat everybody on the back for that.
Speaker 2:I think that's really cool, yeah, and talking about being able to hold a conversation without wanting to crawl under a rock, like Jess said. I love these victories like this, like you mentioned as you were talking about your journal entry, like it's a small win, but it is a win and we take the wins on these things, which is amazing and wonderful.
Speaker 1:Surface conversations are perfect to have. It is perfectly fun and natural to have.
Speaker 1:Just because you meet someone and they're nice doesn't mean they need to know your kids names. It might be two months before that happens, that's okay. It's okay to just talk about the weather, because you learn things from people's mannerisms. You learn things from how they communicate. If they're like I hate effing snow days when it messes this up and it messes that up, and you happen to love snow days because all the things are messed up for them are the things that you love, then you know that maybe this isn't going to be your next best friend and you learn that just from a surface conversation like those are okay to have and to start. You don't have to open up and share more than you should at certain times and those are boundaries that you need to create within yourself and know that we have friends of ours that are female, that are single with children.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:It could be six months that they have to be dating a guy before the guy meets their child, because they don't want their child to see a revolving door of people while they're out trying to find the void to be filled in their life. So those are boundaries that have to be met. So I challenge everybody like figure out what boundaries you need when developing a relationship and set those in those conversations and that once you do that, you're going to have a confidence within yourself. Cause I think we, we always want to say I don't know if I can trust this person. What I truly think that and I can't speak for everybody what I found for myself is that I didn't know if I could trust me. Yeah, it wasn't the other person, it was. I didn't know if I could trust me because I didn't know what my boundaries were. As soon as I developed that trust and boundary for myself, the rest was gravy.
Speaker 2:David, as we're talking about this, I think it's such great information and I'm just so excited to share my motivational quotes and it's really a little bit of a story here, if that's okay. I think it goes along great with what Jess and Chris were talking about, and then also your great friends there at the hotel. And when our kids were little I'd say probably like first or second grade they really decided they would like friends and it became like a really big thing for them, and so we had to go through all these steps to help them be able to connect with people outside of the home. And one of the ways we did that was and I'm and I want to break it down a little because they decided they would like friends and they knew that there was something else that they needed to do to make friends, because it wasn't happening for them at school, and I love their strength and bravery, just like our great listeners on here like Take Scourge and Survivor Slay. Like my kids knew there was something that needed to be done and so how could we do it? And one of the things we've talked to them about is the fact that people do pay attention to you, like they were very worried that somehow their voice didn't have the power, that no one listened, no one cared. They were worried that if they couldn't use their voice, how could they even be understood? And so, like working through that with them, we got to the point where they were like, okay, I'm ready to try having conversations with people, and one of the things we did is we practiced at home using the five senses. We'd go through different scenarios how do you navigate these interactions that you have with people on the stairs at school? And so, like we practiced between Sean and me and the kids, we'd all get on the stairs and then they would work through.
Speaker 2:How do you interact with that person that's standing too close or being a little pushy or too far away? How do you see them that they're wearing a Pokemon shirt or a unicorn shirt and stuff that you love, and so how can you approach them? We taught them to just try to make eye contact, to just project that confidence and connection. How can you listen attentively? They say, turn your listening ears on, but trying to teach them. How can you listen attentively? They say, turn your listening ears on, but trying to teach them. How can you listen and know that what you hear matches what. So are they smiling? They might be yelling. Are they smiling? Do they seem happy? They're playing outside on the swings? They must be having good times. When you hear them yelling, it doesn't necessarily mean that they're in danger or something bad is about to happen. And then trying to teach them how close you stand when you're talking to them, asking permission for a hug, being able to recognize that.
Speaker 2:We even taught, like our son, the importance of roughhousing for kids. He's constantly I'm always getting beat up at school. No, that's just the kids coming and bumping into you because they want to say hi, like that is that's normal boy interaction. And then for my daughters, like wants to hug everyone, and I'm like they're all the time and I'm like there are some kids that are not going to want to hug your feelings. Feelings do not have to be hurt. It's okay, you know these type of things.
Speaker 2:And then, but teaching them how to like for a sense of taste, like how to sit at a table with people and have a conversation while your mouth is full, like we, just we went through all these scenarios within the home and that really helped them. I think it gave us a chance to let them know what we think is appropriate, but then also, what do they think is appropriate and how can we work through all of this too? And I would just encourage anyone else to. Maybe, if you're struggling with us or even not struggling, but you just want different or better or whatever for your own life and the interactions with people like, consider it from those perspectives, the five senses of what would that look like? And that's what we did with our kids. So I just wanted to share that with you and just let that be a little motivation. If they can learn it I know all of us can too- I love that.
Speaker 1:I want to remind people to that our emails and private messaging is always open. Send us your thoughts, your questions, your slays of the day, anything. We love to be connected with you guys. We love to share and celebrate you all and help out in any way that we can. We appreciate all the likes and shares and all the things that you're doing for us to help us build this community and all the things that you're doing for us to help us build this community.
Speaker 2:Remember healing is a journey, not a destination. You are not alone in this. It's okay to take your time, explore different perspectives and find what resonates with you. Billing takes courage and we believe in you.
Speaker 1:Together, we can enjoy the ride.
