Diagnosed, Abused for It, Started over—Then Lost Her & His Job: Chris Carazas

Chris Carazas shares how growing up across South America, Africa, and Europe as a “third culture kid” left him socially awkward until an autism diagnosis at 35 finally gave clarity—and then became a doorway to escalating psychological abuse from his mother-in-law and then-wife, including daily suicide encouragement that led to two attempts. After getting treatment with the support of insurance and an understanding boss, he rebuilt, was promoted, and met a partner who accelerated his healing; he began writing a confessional to her that became his book, “Now That I’m Still Here,” but she died while he was writing and he was also laid off after USAID changes. They discuss trauma triggers, “no deadline” for healing, reclaiming life in small moments, stigma around therapy and hospitalization, men’s mental health, and how Chris stays alive through therapy, attempt-survivor groups, and caring for his dog, while planning book proceeds to support suicide prevention, autism support, and eating-disorder access. #author #autism 

https://chriscarazas.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:15

Our guest today has survived life on three different continents and the heavy lifting of rebuilding his own life, which is a journey he captures in his new book called Now That I'm Still Here, reminding us that survival is often found in the quiet moments between the big news. Welcome back to Surviving Ish. Chris Man, thank you so much for checking out the platform and trusting us enough to come on and share your story with us. I appreciate you being here.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

It's nice to be here. Thanks for having me.

SPEAKER_01 0:45

Yeah. So uh give us a little bit of introduction. Tell us about you.

SPEAKER_00 0:48

I've always been one of these third culture kids. I'm not sure if you've if you've ever come in and heard this term before, but I grew up everywhere. It's like it's a label that we have for people that children that didn't grow up in the same culture as their parents or the same country. I grew up over she's most of my life from South America to Africa to Europe. And I always felt a little funny, a little bit different than everyone else, like socially awkward. I didn't read social cues very well, so like if someone was upset, I couldn't tell and or understand why they were upset, right? And it wasn't until I got diagnosed with autism at 35 where everything clicked clicked for me, right? Well, it did one of two things. Uh it helped me find well, it gave everything I was feeling inside a name so I knew what to address. Yeah. And how to work with it so that it becomes uh a gift rather than uh an excuse as to why I can't do something. And the second thing it did was it opened the door for psychological abuse. Um, it started with my mother-in-law at first. Oh, you're autistic. You shouldn't be married to my daughter. Like, you people aren't stable. By the time I got diagnosed, I I owned a house, I was working with the federal government, I drove a car, I was raising a dog, you know, who's still alive, by the way. Yeah. So like, how am I not functional? And you know, it's I I I l led a otherwise unremarkable, in quotes, normal life, other than being a little quirky. It turned to, well, you know, you should kill yourself. And it it became a daily, daily thing with her, with my mother-in-law and and my then wife. And after three years of listening to this, you kinda believe it. Yeah. Kind of. And so I'm a two-time survivor. After the second time, my sister was like, as she found out about the attempts and stuff, just like, we're getting you out of there. And so, long story short, is I got out, I got treatment, and I'm I'm one of the lucky ones that uh I had insurance, so I had access to quality care. I had an understanding boss who said, bro, like you need to work on you, like go take go take a month, two months, whatever you need, your job will still be here. And so it took about a month, month and a half to uh get the help I needed. I came back and got promoted twice. And then um as I was working through my stuff, I met a girl that the and I started dating her. I wasn't looking to date, I wasn't ready to date anyone, and um, because I was still trying to fix me, like sure you you know, years of psychological abuse, she kind of um my trauma response was still so high, right? Um and I think I think she was an angel. She she catapulted my healing uh in ways that I couldn't have imagined. I was like, you might not love me because I'm autistic. She's like, bro, like my cousin's autistic, he's brilliant. Like, wanna go go-karting now? And anyway, and then comes this book. Uh she got sick in April or March of last year of 2024. Uh well, 2025, sorry. We're in 2026 now. And I never thought I'd write a book, and I started writing to her uh as a confession as to why I was so difficult to love and why was my tr my trauma response was so high. She knew bits and pieces, she didn't know the full extent. I was a little ashamed of telling it it's not an easy thing to tell someone, dude, I was in a psych word like four months before I met you. It's not easy. And you know, that that comes with a little bit of stigma. Like, are you crazy? No, I was like, I I wasn't there because I was crazy. Well, crazy people tend to say I'm not crazy, but I was there getting help, right? Because of this. And so this it was a confessional to her. The audience was her until she died. She died when I got through her chapter. And like, and I was like, fuck, no not now what? And the same day I got news that I was getting let go because of Elon Musk decided to shut down USA USAID and roll it into the State Department. That took 14,000 employees, no longer had a job. Just overnight. And you know, so I was a little upset. I just lost my lady and my job, and yeah. And my sister started reading my book. I sent her some snippets and she's like, bro, you gotta you gotta finish this, man. Oh, you're being a nice sister. Like, you know, like uh that's what you're supposed to say to your family member. If if you're a good family member, and right uh, you know, I was like, you're just trying to build my confidence up. Uh this is this is crap. Like I've never written a book before. She's like, do me a saver, send this to Martha. Martha's her mother-in-law. She has got a relative that used to be in the publishing industry. Just see what they say. See what they say, and then if it's no good, cut your losses. And that was I got a response back saying, if I don't finish this book, my kneecaps would be broken.

SPEAKER_01 6:59

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 7:00

Yeah, personally by them. And uh, and then that's the book.

SPEAKER_01 7:06

But then you had no choice.

SPEAKER_00 7:07

Yeah, yeah. So I I was already like 18 chapters in, and then I was like, what do I add now? And there we go. And that's a little bit about that's like a long-winded answer of blind a little bit about me.

SPEAKER_01 7:21

And no, that that that was perfect, man. And and I've got a bunch of questions, but but before I get to that, you know, I had told you how you know, we like to talk about maybe some of the just petty daily grievances, the surviving issues that, you know, that yeah, that we all just struggle with. So before we get too much deeper into the book and your journey, let me ask you, like, what what's one of your like petty grievances right now, one of your surviving issues right now?

SPEAKER_00 7:48

How messy and nonlinear it is, right? Like, it's you know, I like I said, like I'm I'm not in the same space I was like February 2024. But I'll be at a grocery store, and I'll hear a specific tone of voice, and it'll like immediately launch me back to the same room with my ex-wife, of her telling me like you should kill yourself because your autism is exhausting. You know, and I'm in that space, and then it's like like how do I get myself back? And then and like then I'm like, my mood's done for the day, and it's like, oh, that's so frustrating. Like, I should I shouldn't be there now. Like, I'm like, but it, you know, it that's the thing about like trauma, it's like it it comes and bites you in the ass when you're not expecting it, and it's as little a little as a tone of voice or a sentence or a song that can like throw you back to a negative space.

SPEAKER_01 8:59

Yeah, yeah, I agree with that. You know, I I used to think that I would be healed, or I would try to use the word cured, and then I I got into a place where I would get down on myself because it's been five years, it's been 10 years since uh I I was a victim of rape and attempted murder 11 years ago, you know. And so could so I I would think, okay, it's been five years, it's been 10 years. When am I going to be cured? And then I realized, luckily through therapy, that that that's a word that I like to use. You know, we're never gonna be cured. We're just gonna find those tools and resources to help control it. You know, when we do get triggered, when we are in the grocery store and we hear somebody that's not even with us using a tone, you know, that that brings us back to that ugly place. You know, I now have the tools to ground myself and realize that that this is not here now. You know, this is not happening now.

SPEAKER_00 10:03

And you said something interesting. I was just having a conversation with a friend of mine not that long ago. Um, there is I I was in a spot, much like you, like, why aren't I why aren't I fixed yet? And I was so frustrated with myself because you know it it's exhausting for for us, you know, going through this. It's it's also exhausting for the people around us. And and like I came to the conclusion that there is no deadline to healing. It can, you know, it's taking you like 11 years still, right? It could take another 11. Right. It could take it could take me four years. It could there is no everyone has to move at their own speed, and that's okay. It just the mere fact that you got out of bed and made your bed is a win today. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:00

Right. Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 11:01

And and that, you know, and that's the kind of like takeaway I had with my friend, it's like just look at the small wins. You got out of bed, you took a shower, you walked outside, that's enough.

SPEAKER_01 11:12

I I so I want to ask you a couple of questions that I had just you know from the introduction that you gave. When you said that your mother-in-law would say that people like you, was she talking about like the what was talking about the autism, like the autistic community? When she like you, wow.

SPEAKER_00 11:33

Yeah, and it's like I was fine. There was no, and I'm using the word fine loosely, right? Like, sure. I was like from okay, I could be a little direct and a little too blunt. I could come across as rude, but other than that, like I'm providing a look, I we bought a house by in Maryland by the water, like we've made a home, right? Why why why is the diagnosis now the problem? Right. That was a hard time, that was a hard thing to reconcile in my brain, right?

SPEAKER_01 12:06

Yeah, and the fact that the diagnosis wasn't an answer for everyone, you know, that that it shows that you're you're not being a blatant asshole when you uh you know speak, you know, directly, and then that would also, and my thought process is that one of my really good friends is autistic. And I have learned that in the beginning I would be taken aback by a couple of tones or or a couple of things that maybe it was worded a certain way, but I learned that it was okay for me to ask her, like, hey, uh, what when you say this, that this is what I'm hearing, is is that your intent? And most of the time it's not, you know, and we talk it out and we're good, you know. So so I felt like when I learned her diagnosis, it also allowed me to uh allow some grace and to be patient, to be kind, but to also educate myself along the way of saying, hey, this this is what I'm hearing right now. Is this what you're meaning? And most of the time I'm wrong. Yeah. So I I appreciate the fact that you said that, you know, getting your diagnosis, like you were able to turn it into a bit of a superpower, where it was not this detrimental horrible thing anymore. You found comfort in knowing and was able to turn it into something that you're you're you are able to control and using as a superpower, you know, writing your book and acknowledging these things. I think that's such a big cool deal.

SPEAKER_00 13:39

And you know, like I try to approach it from the attitude of it it contextualizes me, right? It doesn't provide an excuse, right? It's not a card blunt for me to be like, well, let me be blunt and rude, or come across as blunt and rude because I'm autistic. That that gets annoying real quick, right? But it's like it allowed the opportunity, for instance, to go uh come up to my or go to my colleagues and say, hey, listen, I know I can come across as a bit rude and blunt, and much like your friend, 98, 99% of the time, I don't mean to come across as an asshole. Right. It's just it's just like my unfiltered processing um is making me talk a certain way, and I I I just it's efficient, right? Right. Um if I'm coming across as road, give me a there recenter me. Like, hey Chris, what did you mean? Right, much like you do with your friend. What what did you mean? Like, is there a way you could say this is how I'm taking it? Is this what you mean? Well, no, I'm sorry. And you know, it so that way, like um, I can I can reframe and recenter and actually say what I mean in the intended way I meant. Right.

SPEAKER_01 15:03

And I think I think that's so great, right? Because that that is, in my opinion, that is you take in control of the situation, um, and you take an accountability, you know, and you're saying, hey, like I I have autism, you know. I I may say something one way, I'm hearing it, meaning it one way, and the way that you're receiving it. Let's talk about it, you know. Like, call me out on it. I'm man enough to take it, let's do it, you know. Like, I appreciate that.

SPEAKER_00 15:30

Yeah. And, you know, it's I didn't I didn't at the time, and still, I didn't want it to fall into like victim mentality of like blow them up and and be like Eeyore. Like, right, you know, it because you know, it overall, I think neurodire neurodiversity, I don't care if you've got autism or ADHD or dyslexia, like if you can it's a strength, like if you if you learn to leverage it, right? Because you've had to find creative ways to survive given the cards you've been dealt with. And it allows you to think of things or through things a little bit differently than than the neurotypicals, right? Um, and with that comes a different set of insights, a different way of looking and seeing, and maybe the solution lies somewhere in the middle. Okay, maybe what I'm thinking is too out of the box, you're too in the box, right? And like we can talk through ideas and like collaborate, and it's like out of the box, but more centered and more realistic. And you know, it's I and that's what I wanted how I wanted to approach and still approach my autism today. It's like, yeah, okay, it's got its annoying things. Like, why does this pitch of a kid's voice bother me so much? Right. But I can do I can do calculus with my head and give you an answer in like three seconds. You know, it's like, you know, the I could deal it with the kid. I can get I use these headphones. If a kid's crying, I just put these on and boom, problem fixed. And you know, and then I'll wave with the kid and make funny faces and make him laugh, kind of a thing.

SPEAKER_01 17:21

Um yeah, yeah, and and I appreciate that because I think that we all have experienced people or maybe even helped out at ourselves, where I know that when my attempted murder first happened 11 years ago, there would be times that I would use that as an excuse to justify something that I just said or did that maybe I'm embarrassed of or shameful of. You know, if if I'm able to say, well, I've maybe I was triggered, or, you know, remember, I was a victim of this. And so my my brain isn't fully healed and I'm not fully there right now. And sometimes that could absolutely be true. But I had even caught myself sometimes, been in situations where that was my easy out to use it to guilt someone into how they're going to react to me. And of course, luckily I learned that very quickly that's not healthy, that's not who I am. Like I want to take accountability and I want to say, you know what, I think I might have been triggered with this. Or sometimes I just want to say, you know what, this wasn't a trigger. I was just pissed off and handled this. I reacted quickly and gave you what emotion I was feeling before I thought about it. And and I want to take accountability of that. So I admire the fact that like you are saying, look, I want to take accountability. I'm not gonna be perfect. Sometimes I I I may say something or do something, and but you're not using that as the crutch or the get out of jail free card.

SPEAKER_00 18:47

Yeah, I mean, sometimes like sometimes I do fall into much like you, like I'll be annoyed and and pissed off at something too, and and I'll I'll have a conversation with my mom, and then like she like harps on one thing, and then I just I just snap. And I and you know, I some sometimes I'm like legitimately triggered, and it's like I'm taking aback, but like I like you, I I use it as a carte blanc for everything sometimes, and and sometimes I'm just being an asshole. Right. And I and I had to be like, oh, I'm sorry, you know, like I was just yeah, yeah. And you know, you have to like reflect, like, was I really triggered, or was I just in a pissed-off mood and right, and yeah, like I I struggle a lot with that of like trying to be my it I don't want it to be a situation where it's like a boy who cried wolf thing every single time. Because ri realistically, like attempted murder and rape, that's super traumatic, right? And it it changes the way you see the world, and same with psychological abuse, yeah. And like in my mind, like I can't it's maybe in the beginning you can be triggered, but like a hundred percent of the time, all the time, it's realistic, like and that's that's how I like process and and think it through, and then I just it forces me to be like, okay, I was just being an asshole today. Like, yeah, I should I should really apologize to that.

SPEAKER_01 20:32

Yeah, yeah, you know, and and I'm glad that you know, people like me and you can we can recognize that, you know, and I've even recognized where people will still treat me a certain way because they still look at me as a victim of something brutal, and they don't acknowledge the growth that I've had and and the way that I have embraced it, and I'm using it as my superpower now. That's why I have this podcast, it's why I want to talk and share, you know, these stories and these moments with other people. And so I had to start having conversations with people of, you know, I'm I'm not this fragile, broken person anymore. And and that was sometimes I feel like that was harder for a lot of people, um, supporters to accept and understand, you know, because they they were looking at me that way out of the best of intent, right? They just want to love me through it, and and they did, and that's why I am here where I am today. That's why I have accomplished what I've accomplished with my healing. And so there's been some conversations that have been hard for other people that I wouldn't even realize that it would be that hard for them, you know?

SPEAKER_00 21:46

Yeah, it's it's something I struggle to with. Yeah, it it it's hard. Like it, like you said, people really do their best uh to be empathetic. And then that's where it comes from. It's it does I I believe it becomes from a place of empathy. Of like, oh man, they went through this and but at at some point like where does the line blur from and I hate to use the word pity, but maybe pity for lack of a better word, right? And just acknowledging it happened and you're no longer a project to be fixed, right? And because ultimately, like it's great that it's great to acknowledge that this thing happened to you. It was really shitty. And I empathize with you. You shouldn't have gone through that. Um, and I I see this a lot with my with my sister, for instance. I love my sister the bits, and she still wants to fix me, even though uh, even though I need to do the work. I need to fix myself. She can't do it for me, and I'm gonna fix myself in my own way. Just, you know, let's stop, let's stop looking at me as the kid who went through all this abuse and two attempts, like, yeah, I'm so much better now, though. You like, yeah, I'm struggling. Life life is a little hard. 2024 2025 wasn't the easiest year.

SPEAKER_01 23:26

Right.

SPEAKER_00 23:27

But I survived worse. And like, even though I'm not up here, I'm like maybe here. Like, I'm like 75% of the way there. I don't know, but I'm I'm not at zero anymore, sis.

SPEAKER_01 23:43

Right, absolutely. And so I want to ask your opinion on this because uh, of course, I think this is one of those things where there's no right or wrong answer. I personally have a love-hate relationship with the word fix because that that that that means that I was broken. And I don't know that I ever considered myself, you know, even at the at my lowest, to to have been broken. Now, were there bruises, were there cuts and wounds, you know, were there band-aids on things until the scar developed? Absolutely. But when people would use the word fix and say, I want, you know, I just want to be part of fixing, I'm not broken. I'm just not at my best right now. So so when when you use the word fix, like what is your relationship with like how do you feel about that word?

SPEAKER_00 24:35

I I tend to agree with you, right, in the sense it's a very thought-provoking question. Because I I think there are things that could break you, right? Or you're not you're not whole anymore. For me, I was fine, I was fine, I was fine, and then I got this diagnosis, and all of a sudden it was a erosion over years, right? That I was no longer the person I was before. I and I don't know I don't know if broken is the wr right word, but I wonder if what other word is there, right? Um and and I think it's a like going through things like attempted murder or psychological abuse or rape, I think those have the ability to break your spirit. Sure. But you're right uh on the word fix. It's but then what what would other words what would be a better word, like mending, right?

SPEAKER_01 25:58

Uh I know that's why I like that's why I like to ask people their thoughts on this because what what I found myself saying is I used to say, you know, my smile was stolen from me, or you know, my dreams were stolen. And then as I started it healing and changing, I ended up not liking that term either. And I found that nothing was stolen from me, just things were put on hold, right? Like my smile was put on hold. My my dreams were put on hold and and and things kind of got rerouted. I never dreamed of being a podcaster, you know, and my this was not what I was going to school for. This was not my dream. This is just things got rerouted, and I'm and and that's one of the the perks that came from my tragedy.

SPEAKER_00 26:40

Maybe reclaiming yourself would be a better word, right? Yeah, and the the person you reclaim at the other end isn't going to be the same person before you know at T0 because things like this change you. You learn from it, right? Yeah. And you know, you you turn this into a podcast, you know, you turn your tragedy into a podcast. I I turned it into a book that hopefully allows me to help others get the mental health care access they can't afford to get, right? And maybe that's the person I'm I'm reclaiming now. Yeah. Yeah. I love um yeah. And it's and I think ultimately if you put in the work, you reclaim a stronger version of yourself.

SPEAKER_01 27:39

Yeah. Same, I like the reclaim because we could have said we're gonna fix us into being a stronger person versus reclaim. And and I don't know, the word fix just never really settled well with me for some reason. And so that's why I always like to ask people that question because I want to know their thought process on it, hoping it intrigues me to think of it differently or or even like the word reclaim. I love that. I I love the fact that I, you know, I have reclaimed and I was put on a different route, one that I never expected to be on, would have never chosen to be on. But the funny part about that is I probably wouldn't change it because I like where I'm at now. I like where I'm going, you know, but I wouldn't been here if it had been for my tragedy. So I've reclaimed what I've reclaimed the victim mindset to the survivor-thriver mindset.

SPEAKER_00 28:32

Yeah, and I think the space, it's okay to be in that victim mode, yeah. Yeah, especially in the beginning, like like when you're absolutely shattered at your lowest, like, but then at like for me, at what point does it get old staying in that space? Right. And it's it's something I thought a lot about of like how do you how do we transition out of that victim mode to that survivor thriver? And you know, like, okay, like now, now it's time to pick yourself up off the floor, right? Right. And I think I think it it comes in at different tensor for people. Yep. For me, it took me, and this is I think this is why I like the word reclaim too. It's I was doing things with with my new lady that, for instance, I got to reclaim Valentine's Day, right? Uh, because Valentine's Day, 2024, my ex-wife handed me the knife and said, Hey, end it now. Right? 2024 or 2025 Valentine's Day. We had so much fun, right? And you know, it started off as a small little dinner here and like little cool little gifts, but then we just went out and like roamed Plymouth and bar hopped a little and played darts and and just laughed, right? And I was like, Yeah, like this is different. And just like my everyday life was reclaimed too, it was like artistic, who cares? So she would she would literally say, like, I don't give a you you make me laugh, yeah. We have fun together, and like you drive everywhere, that's helpful. You're right, yeah. And you know, like don't I don't want you to ever brood because brooding is for Batman. It's like literally what she told me. Like, and yeah, we so I I think being able to find someone to help you reclaim, or or even if you if you don't have that someone just yet, find ways to like reclaim yourself. Yeah like little small wins.

SPEAKER_01 31:07

I'm so sorry for your loss, but I I'm so glad that she was such a major that you had her and and that she was such a major part of your reclaiming, a part of your healing. And thank you for sharing her with us. Do you mind if I asked, did she ever get to read the book at all?

SPEAKER_00 31:28

She heard pieces of it. She was intubated in uh in a coma, and the doctors and her parents would tell me like she she can hear you, right? And you know, they would they had anecdotal things of like uh when people come out of the coma, they say, like, oh, I heard your voice, or I recognize your voice nurse. You know, like you were telling me this. So, like, but the thought was that like I would read to her and like hopefully she'll hear me. And then the hope was that she would come out out the other side and the book would be finished, and then she could read the remaining pieces herself or start from the beginning. And you know, unfortunately, her her parents had to make that difficult, difficult choice. I could not imagine making that choice. I it's not first of all, I would hate for anyone to have to make that choice, but it's not natural for a parent to bury their their child. It's it isn't, right? And you know, I remember getting the message from her mom, and she, you know, that doesn't they're wonderful people. And this is the mess I remember the message being this like, I am so sorry that you're not going to have the life you two thought you were that you you're gonna have, right? That you know, we had to we had to make this call, and I'm sorry for that. I'm like, don't okay, like take my feelings into consideration and look, thank you for that, but like don't apologize to me for having to have had to make that I didn't tell her tell them this, but you don't have to apologize to me for making that decision. It's a tough, tough call, and I'm sorry you had to make that decision, right? And it kind of like took me aback as like why are you apologizing to me? Like it just maybe say, I'm sorry we lost her, you know, like we have to make that like the yeah, and I it's just who they are as people, they're so empathetic.

SPEAKER_01 33:43

Well, and I well exactly, and I think that absolutely shows a lot into their character, but I think it also shows what they see as who you were to their daughter and who their daughter what you know was to you. And so I I think that I think them acknowledging that is maybe also a nice reminder of how things can be and should be versus the way things are, because had it been the situation with mother-in-law and ex-wife, there probably wouldn't have been any, you know, and and had thank goodness it did not happen, but had there been, you know, success in any of those attempts that you had, there probably still wouldn't have been any kind of empathy for the survivors that did lose you, you know, from from their mind, from their perspective, you know. So I think that that's I think that's a beautiful gift that that her parents gave you, you know, by just acknowledging that.

SPEAKER_00 34:45

And you know, I we were helping each other out because she battled, like she did a lot of things for me, right? And I'm forever thankful for that. But you know, she I think she got me and she was empathetic because she battled her own demons, right? And she was able to kind of be that solid platform because she had her mental health struggles, and uh um, you know, it like I tried to dance around it in in the book as as to what she struggled with, but you can you can guess that anyone who reads that chapter can guess what she had, and I'll say it this way I would often tell her how beautiful she was as a person. Um she never souped it herself, she never saw herself as beautiful. I would order tuna because it was one of the few things that she would actually eat, and she would I would tell her things like it doesn't count if you if you didn't order it, so just take out take it off my plate. Right, and I would, you know, like I would get extra forks, and it's like and she's like, I feel bad taking your foot on like I could order, like, hey, look at me, I'm a little chunky, like I don't need this, but I can always order more, right? And like, and you know, or and she forced me to eat healthier, like she would eat the vegetables off my plate, and so I would order it on purpose so that she would take it off my plate, and and she she put on a a she looked completely different in the in the from when I met her to uh the time she passed. And yeah, it's I was thinking about this the other day. Like, if I think if if we had broken up, that would have I would have been fine with that, but I would have loved to still have her had her in my life as a friend. Because she was like she was that kind of person where it's like she was just an angel. Like she was so kind to everybody, and I was feeling low, or someone was one of her friends lost the their cat, and she went over and brought them like peanut butter cups and unannounced, and yeah, like you you don't you need to keep those people around in your in your in your life that are kind and lift others up.

SPEAKER_01 37:26

Yeah, that's something that I always strive to be as that person that you know because it doesn't take those big gestures, you know, just just the fact that she showed up with some buttercups to just be there to laugh, cry, whatever her friend needed, she's gonna do and and eat a couple buttercups. Like that's it it seems small, but that's what those are the ones that that those are the big things to me.

SPEAKER_00 37:50

Yeah, and like what what made my life better was she would those little small gestures, like she would leave little notes around the house for me to find. Like, I found one under my pillow, one in my sock drawer, and she it would be notes of like uh I love you more than I want to strangle you, hashtag winning. You know, she had that kind of like sense of humor, like and it's like it made me smile, it made me laugh. And that's I don't love that. You know, it's like it wasn't and and and that's the thing too. It's it's that kind of annoys me, is I think everyone expects this grandiose thing and Instagram ready moments that uh show and demonstrate that you're healing or or being better, but it it it's really those little micro moments that do lead to that Instagram ready thing, you know. It's absolutely and we have to find those like it there is a lot more power in those micro moments, absolutely, and I want to ask you with you being in a place with your mental health at a time where you said there were two attempts of with going through the this tragedy in this past year of losing her, you know, that that that's a big trauma, that's a big deal.

SPEAKER_01 39:27

So, how have you been able to not fall back into uh to to maybe the unhealthy state of mind where there would have been thought of of maybe attempting?

SPEAKER_00 39:40

Ooh, therapy. I still, you know, I've been seeing the same therapist that I saw during my attempts and that so that was helpful. I also got involved with here in Massachusetts the the Association for Suicide Prevention chapters have um groups for attempt survivors, and for me, I found that to be really helpful because there are other you could share your story, there are others who get you. They've been they've been on that same ledge and they understand that thought process. Yeah, it's like it's like asking your parents, what's it like being married when you're never been married? And they can explain it to you, and you're not gonna get it until you get married. And so it's the same thing with the this like it's hard to call up your mom or your sister and talk about I'm struggling with you know with these thoughts. And they're gonna be like, they want to help, but they don't know how. Now call call a friend who's been in the same shoes, and they could easily talk you off that ledge, um, meet you for a cup of coffee. And yeah, so it's it so I think I think those two things have been helpful. I mean that yeah, the I'm not gonna lie, that it was it was a dark year. I I just I I wrote an article on this the other day of like 2025 was really shitty, you know, with you know having to lose my job short shortly after and losing losing my lady, and shortly after I went through all this crap, and that applying to jobs was frustrating, not getting ghosted, like but I I I think reaching out and talking to people and getting the help you need, I think it's what's kept me going.

SPEAKER_01 41:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:47

And the fact that I I have a dog like who can take care of her.

SPEAKER_01 41:50

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I I really appreciate that because I I tell people all the time I have such an amazing family and and such amazing supporters. Thank God none of them know how to relate to what I have been through with the attempt to murder and rape. They do their best, but I'm a part of, and I have been for nine years now a part of a a men's sexual assault uh group therapy every Wednesday. So I I can mimic everything that you just said, you know, knowing that I can call up one of those guys that has been through something similar to what I have been through. Um, and and they can relate, you know, and and that's a big help. You know, one thing that that I don't do is, you know, compare traumas. Like what happened to me is my big T. What happened to you is your big T. You know, whatever happened to this person over here is their big T. We can't compare those traumas, but right, we can see that we don't understand. I don't, I've not been in your shoes. I I've not attempted to take my own life. I, you know, it would be so easy for like it would be easy if you called me for me to say, dude, don't do that, don't think like that. And as if you could just snap out of it, you know, because my brain and your brain is not gonna be working the same way. And so to have that person that knows exactly what to say, um, or even just how to listen, you know, is it it it's it's the best medicine I've ever had. So I I recommend therapy in all kinds of ways, forms, and fashions to people.

SPEAKER_00 43:33

Yeah, I think I think therapy is a big one. Uh that that's really find a good therapist. Like the and I think it's time that we destigmatize therapy too, right? Even if you haven't gone through trauma and you're just dealing with with stuff, like talk to someone, right? It it's okay. It doesn't mean you're crazy, it doesn't mean But you're messed up in any way. It's like you're just, it means you're dealing with that's all it means. And means you're alive.

SPEAKER_01 44:08

It means you're alive and you're human, you know? I I uh that was actually going to be my next question for you. Is you know, you had talked about how how do you tell someone that I was just in a mental hospital because the stigmas and things that come from it. And and this is what I tried to explain to people, and I would love your thoughts on this too, is if my lungs were hurting, I would see a lung doctor. If you know, I if I broke my foot, I would see uh, you know, a bone doctor. If my brain, which is a very important organ in my body, if it is sick, if it is ill in any kind of way, why would I not want to go see a specialist to, you know, and be proactive in helping fix that for the better word that we don't like to use, you know? Um and so I I I I try so hard to, you know, uh bring awareness and and to destigmatize some of these things, and especially when it comes to men. Men are taught, you know, if you got an issue with something, you go out in the front yard, you fight it out, you're done with it. And that's why alcohol and you know, suicide is so high with men, because we're a lot of men are told that you can't have bad mental health. That doesn't exist. You go fight out in the yard and you're done, and you pull your boots back up and you go to work. You know, you don't deal with things, you don't process things.

SPEAKER_00 45:36

And that's you have to be taught.

SPEAKER_01 45:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:38

Yeah. And I I yeah, it's I think I I think that that's that's the annoying part about just society as a whole, right? Not not I'm not picking and choosing. I'm just in in most societies in this world, men are thought to be as tough. They have to be the provider, they have to be the and you don't show any emotion because you're a man, right? The flip side of that is there's a lot of depression, there's a lot of alcoholism because you're not supposed to feel that, right? You're not supposed to feel bad. And and it's specifically around it's even worse with mental health, just generally speaking, uh, because it you know it it gets made fun of, it but it gets stereotyped on on TV shows, and it makes it harder for people to get the help they need.

unknown 46:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:47

And you know, like at the risk of being cliche-ish, like it's okay not to be okay.

unknown 46:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:56

For anybody. And if you need like if you're scared about if you're m just anyone, and specifically a man that is struggling, like there are anonymous way you like you don't have to tell anyone that you're getting help. Like you could even text 988, yeah, and there's someone on that other end uh that'll talk you through whatever you're talking down for whatever you're struggling with, right? Or you can talk to a therapist. But I would also encourage like I I I am still learning to do this in terms of putting myself first. Not not as a selfish act, right? But more of like, okay, not it like I not everyone needs to know that everyone will know if they like Google me, like, oh, he wrote a book and he went through and and he had these suicide attempts and stuff, and it's like I'm okay with that now. Like the people that will stick around will stick around. The p if if it turns some people off, that's okay. Like, I even even without that, I'm not going to be everyone's cup of tea anyway, right? And that's okay. So I I just treat it as that, like, if all things are equal and I'm not someone's cup of tea, that's fine. Throw this into the mix, and okay, like maybe a little bit more. I'm not where whereas it was a hundred I wasn't someone's cup of tea for 100 people, maybe I'm not at someone's cup of tea for 150 people. And what value would that add to my life if they were around me and and right? So in this space, do you and like try to fix you and not try to reclaim you, right? Try to test and try to whatever's going on, work with it. That's how we grow, absolutely. And that's how we learn. And if that growth and that reclaiming means therapy and talking to people and maybe sharing a little bit of your story to help someone else, then do it.

SPEAKER_01 49:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 49:19

What do you got to lose?

SPEAKER_01 49:20

Absolutely. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 49:22

A few people that are like, ooh, like he struggles with mental health. Like, do you want them around anyway?

SPEAKER_01 49:28

I was gonna say, then you're probably not gonna stay around me very long, anyways. You know, I don't know if I would want you to, you know. So I've I've really enjoyed this conversation, Chris. And I'm gonna be sharing the links to your book. And but the last question I have for you is the title of your book I fell in love with, it really captured me, it had me asking all the questions that uh a title is supposed to do, you know, to give me someone to order and read the book. And uh the title is now I'm still here. And so you had uh off record, you had told me that this whole book thing, the title, all that just accidentally kind of happened. And you told us about you know the book, but how did you decide on the title?

SPEAKER_00 50:11

Yeah, so I as I was like I was almost done with the book. I was working on the on the last chapter, which is kind of like uh encapsul encapsulates the like it is just the reflection of where I was, and then um so as I was writing that and I I just started thinking like okay, February like February, March of 2024, I was in the bad spot. I was in a slight ward, I and I was on my knees, right? It's 2025, like a lot's happened. I'm better. I'm not done reclaiming, I'm not done getting fixed, right? But I'm not where I was in February, like like the I still wanted to like my mind shifted from I wanna die, I wanna die, and the having a plan to okay, shit did hit the fan, but like there's a future. That's two opposites ends of the spectrum. And it's like, well, now what? Like, I'm not here, like I'm not where I want to be, I'm not where I was, I'm in that kind of like purgatory. Now what? Like, not what do I do now, but like where do I go? And that's how it can. It's like, well, you know, and then now that I'm still here, now what? And then that's how kind of like that.

SPEAKER_01 51:47

I love that because what what it makes me think of is is you found the want to, you know, we have to have the want to live, we have to have the want to heal or fix ourselves, reclaim ourselves. And and that moment that you find that want to is so empowering, and that leads to rotting books and and sharing your story, you know, that that it is so powerful that people need to hear. And so again, thank you for being here with us today and and sharing your story with us and and sharing all the the cute little things that you know memories that you have with your lady. And I I I I can't wait to read the book and I want to share all the links, and of course, like you posted on the release date for the episode.

SPEAKER_00 52:31

Yeah, and um let me know. I I love your show by the way. So yeah, uh I need either way, um, I'm gonna I need to I think you've got a good good platform. Uh so I'll need a return the favor in terms of like even even without me, if you even if you never publish this, I think I think people still need to hear what you're doing anyway.

SPEAKER_01 52:55

So well, thanks so much. And no, it's definitely published. Um, luckily I do record in advance, but um, I'll keep you updated along the way. And yeah, once I start making like the reels and the promos and everything, I'll keep you updated on all those dates. That way, if you have social medias, you can share them as well. But no, we'll what this is definitely gonna be aired. I it's been a great conversation, and I'm serious. I so I'm horrible at reading books in the summer, but like right now, I live in Tennessee, and so it well, you live in Massachusetts, so you know like it's cold, and I love to just curl up by the fireplace, even if it is on the television and actually, you know, read. Like these are the months I like to do that. So I'm I'm ordering the book. I I can't wait to read it, and especially ever after having the conversation um with you, it's just really got me wanting to read it.

SPEAKER_00 53:44

Yeah, and yeah, so I think I I need a give back somehow, right? I would have never written written this book if it wasn't uh for Katie. I tell her Ava in the book, but and so I I started this campaign that for every every 2,000 books I sell, 6,000 is gonna go back,$6,000 is gonna go back to helping three organizations, uh, one for suicide prevention, the other for autism support, and the other for people with eating disorders to just get access. Because it's I don't know what it's like in Tennessee, but uh if you're in here in Massachusetts, it's difficult, A, to get access to mental health care. Um, and B it's not often covered by insurance. It's and you have to pay up front, and if it is covered by insurance, you have to pay up front and then build insurance companies, but they only reimburse like 30%. Yeah, and like people tends to be tough these days, and they it's people have to buy food for their kids, and they're gonna buy food for their kids and not not pay the 150 bucks to get the help they need. So I kind of wanna fix that. I'm starting small now, like I'm starting like regionally, but uh hopefully hopefully it scales so that it can go nationwide and maybe even worldwide.

SPEAKER_01 55:16

But that's amazing. I actually went to buy it even more, you know. When I when I learned that it goes to you know the the these causes, that that's amazing. And I'm gonna go ahead and release the link to the book and do like a little blog on it. Um that way we can start getting the word out there, you know. And my my listeners, they're they're you know, we might be a small crowd, but we're mighty and and we share things and we promote things and and and they're good people. And so yeah, let's get it out there.

SPEAKER_00 55:48

And I need to make it to Tennessee. I I've heard great things of Tennessee, especially especially the music scene in Nashville.

SPEAKER_01 55:55

Oh yeah. I live in Knoxville, so I'm I'm like three hours away from Nashville, but I go to Nashville all the time. I live, if you know anything about Tennessee, you know that everybody here except for me, I think, loves football. So and I'm actually really close, like the uh UT campus area, so we're like a big like football town.

SPEAKER_02 56:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 56:17

I mean my message, I I'm like you, I'm I'm not a big football fan. I I know I know Tom Brady, and I think that's the only player I know. Yeah. Uh and um, but yeah, football's big here, but I want to go for the Smoky Mountains, the bourbon, or the the whiskey, I should say.

SPEAKER_01 56:38

And the Brill Moonshine.

SPEAKER_00 56:41

Yeah, and and the music. I love music. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 56:45

I'm like I'm like 30 minutes away from like Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge, which is uh real popular in this area, and of course, Dollywood. If anyone knows anything about that area, it's always you know, Dollywood and Dolly Parton. Uh, this is where I grew up. So growing up, you know, we were always going to Dollywood and uh and things like that.

SPEAKER_00 57:04

So I'll hold him. My friend Sam's on the or my friend Joe's on the uh Dolly Parton diet, because he's now Jolene, Jolene, Jolene.

SPEAKER_01 57:14

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_00 57:15

No, but that was a bad dad joke. Oh, wait.

SPEAKER_01 57:19

Oh, I thought you were meaning your friend is a singer at Dollywood. That's what you were saying.

SPEAKER_00 57:23

No, no, I said that he's on the Dolly Parton diet. My friend Joe. Oh, yeah, I completely missed it. That's yeah, my my dad jokes are terrible. They're not choice to be good.

SPEAKER_01 57:35

It's funny though. Yeah, some sometimes the the not getting it and having to explain it adds to the humor, you know?

SPEAKER_00 57:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 57:45

Well, Chris, thank you so much. Enjoy your new year. I don't know what day this will be released, but we are recording on the very first day of 2026.

SPEAKER_00 57:56

Yeah, and well, selling the year off of the bank.

SPEAKER_01 58:01

Yeah, absolutely. So far, I've enjoyed today. So hopefully that's a good sign.

SPEAKER_00 58:07

I enjoyed the afternoon part, the morning part had had me shoveling my my driveway because we got snow today.

SPEAKER_01 58:15

Oh no, we haven't had snow yet, but we usually get at least one good snow day. That's really about it. Uh, they're usually pretty good at like salting the roads. We maybe close down, you know, one or two days, but it's like every few years we get a big one and we'll we'll be trapped in for a few days. And I kind of would not be mad at that right now.

SPEAKER_00 58:40

Yeah, I mean, so I live on I live on the coast, and like literally I live a ton over from Plymouth, like the Mayflower Pilgrim down, and and we don't get that much snow, and I want I want a big snowstorm. Yeah, when I lived in DC, we um we got Snow Mageddon and the snow apocalypse. We got like one storm brought us like four feet of snow, the other one brought us three. Uh and they were like a week apart. Oh wow. I had fun.

SPEAKER_01 59:14

Yeah, as long as I have my vodka, some food, I'm good. But I'm back like I order Uber Eat, like I have almost every meal delivered. And so I need to like I need to have enough warning to go to the store and have because I cannot stand to be hungry.

SPEAKER_00 59:34

It is what it is.

SPEAKER_01 59:35

Yeah, absolutely. Well, Chris, thank you so much, man. I'll be in touch. Thank you for supporting the show and and and being a guest. I really appreciate it. I'll be in touch with all the release dates and all that good stuff. And and yeah, thank you. Thank you again. I hope you get that Sunday soon. And thanks for having me on. Absolutely. We'll talk soon, Chris.

unknown 59:54

Um