Creating Your Own Relationship Goals (w/Sharif)

Bobby Jarel and Sharif (@Kellstattedup) have an honest conversation about creating your own relationship goals, dating in the gay community, social media, healing, therapy, and finding genuine connections. Tune in as they share personal experiences and discuss what it really takes to build healthy, lasting relationships.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

What's up, everyone? Welcome to another episode of A Little to Honest. Today I am joined with Mr. Sharif Kelly. And we're going to be talking about some relationship stuff. And we want to talk about creating your own relationship goals. So before we get into that conversation, how are you doing today, Sharif?

SPEAKER_00 0:19

I am good. I'm so happy to be here. This is so engaging. I'm so thankful that you actually accepted my invite. I asked you to come on and engage with you. So I am thankful to be here today. Just here in I live in North Carolina and it's been today. But it's been amazing. So I am thankful to be here to have this conversation for us to learn from each other around uh some amazing topics that we're gonna have today.

SPEAKER_02 0:49

So I I think we've been friends on Instagram for a good little while, but we actually met face to face for the first time, not last year, but I think the year before in New Orleans for Red Dress Run.

SPEAKER_00 1:02

We did. Yes. And it was it wasn't even intentional. Like we kind of ran into each other. I was like, oh my god, that's my boy. And you were like, Oh my god, that's you. So it was a surprise moment, and I think that it was uh very uh engaging when we finally got to meet face to face.

SPEAKER_02 1:21

Right. And I like that's one of the things that I never really understood about like social media and things. We create this whole world of social media, but yet we're not social with people. Like you'll see people online and you'll be like, oh, they're cool, they may have a little interaction back and forth, but then you see them in person and you don't speak. Like, I don't I never understood that that whole concept with some people.

SPEAKER_00 1:44

Um, and I also think that it's weird when you see somebody face to face and you know you know this person, but you don't speak. I just think that that is to me, it's a bit odd. I mean, I just like when we saw each other, I was like, I know this, I know this guy. And it didn't feel weird, it didn't feel offsetting or anything of that nature. Right. When people do that, I do believe that uh that is not anything to do with me. It's got something to do with them being social or being maybe an introvert or maybe the crowd that they're with. So I don't think that has anything to do with me and you, right? But it does happen quite often, especially with social media, because people will see me and be like, Oh, I saw you, Kells, and I'm just like, Why didn't you speak? You should have just said hello, and it would not have been an issue whatsoever at all. Uh, but I've had that quite often.

SPEAKER_02 2:38

Yes, but I've been I've been out, uh, it was a couple years ago. I was in Atlanta at the infamous Bulldogs. Bulldogs. Everybody loves Bulldogs. I don't know about love. Like, it's I mean, Bulldogs is not bad.

SPEAKER_00 2:51

Like, let's go ahead and let's go ahead and talk about that. Bulldogs gets a bad reputation.

SPEAKER_02 2:57

It can be fun. I've been in there a few times where there've been some fighting and all of that, but it's like my whole thing is like, let's just go out and have fun, let's create that community and just enjoy each other's company.

SPEAKER_00 3:06

But for me, like I'm from South Carolina, and Bulldogs for me was the first uh gay space that I felt comfortable in at 19 years old. So for me, like 19 to 45, like it's been a staple. It's been a staple in the uh the community there. So I think that's really important for us to have.

SPEAKER_02 3:34

I really and I also is like as we get to into the conversation and talk about like that dating, we're gonna look, I want to look at it from that perspective of like in your at 19, at 20, at 30, now at the 45 going on 46, skin looking great. Um it's like we we kind of like change the things that we we're interested in, the people that we want to be around. And I feel like when I do go to certain places, not not specifically bulldogs, but just uh like a gay club and in that environment, I feel like people aren't there to necessarily have a good time and interact with the community, right? And that it may be it may just be my my perspective and some of the environments I've been in.

SPEAKER_00 4:17

No, that no, it's very different from what it was. I'm talking about like 1998, 1999. We used to dance, we used to have fun. We used to, if you think about tracks, which was like where the aquarium is now in Atlanta, uh, we used to go and just like have fun. I remember, you know what? I remember the the weekend that Aaliyah passed. Okay. I drove, uh Aaliyah died in 2001. Uh and I drove from South Carolina to Atlanta, and the club was packed, and they played Aaliyah all night, and everybody was just so engaged and hype, and now everybody just stand around. They stand around and look at each other. I don't know. Like, I think it's very odd to me, or they want to go to a hookah bar, and that's my thing either. So uh life was a much different place in '99, 2000. It really was.

SPEAKER_02 5:15

So like that kind of leads us into the the conversation of like creating our own relationship goals, right? When it comes to connecting and dating with people, for me personally, I find it a struggle when I'm out and about because it's like it's almost like I don't want to approach somebody because I don't know how they're gonna how they're gonna react. I don't know somebody's like what they what their vibe is.

SPEAKER_00 5:39

So, question for you in that space is that are you doing this in the gay space or are you doing this like when you're at the grocery store? I'm saying in the gay space. In the gay space. Oh, well, I mean, that's kind of I mean, you know that they gay if they are club, but it's different if you're at like a grocery store, because that for me is a bit scary because I don't approach people if I am like in not a gay space, because people can be very offensive and uh they can be have uh heterosexual tendencies that they don't feel comfortable with. So, what is it that you do when you see somebody that you're interested in in a gay space?

SPEAKER_02 6:22

There's some I may speak, I may be like, hey, hey, how you doing, and just like keep it moving. And it for me, if I don't get some of like a little bit of the matching energy, where it's like, hey, how you doing? People be like, I'm good. Like, okay, that that's not showing me that you want to have a conversation. But I also realize that people don't not know how to hold a conversation. I've had people that'll show interest in me, and it's like, okay, cool, like like what's up? Like, what's going on? Like, what do you want to do? Like, you want to hang out, you wanna go grab drinks, then like, oh, I'll let you know. Like, you hit me up. You you spoke to me, you interacted with me. Now, now what's gonna happen? And I think it's when it comes to like the the lifestyle, I feel like people believe that there's so many fish in the sea, and there's so many options and so many, so many ways to get whatever it is that you're wanting. So we kind of like lose sight of what it is that we really are seeking because it's almost like there's always going to be something better.

SPEAKER_00 7:20

Better. We're always searching for the next hot topic or the next hot thing, and I believe that where that comes from is because of social media.

SPEAKER_01 7:30

Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_00 7:32

Twitter is full of everything that you ever want to see. I mean, I'm just being very honest. Uh IG is okay. I mean, but still, you can find what you want on there. Uh, that's when me and my last partner met was on IG. So you can have, and then you have all the apps, and you have Jack, you have Twitter, you have, I think there's something called sniffies or something like that. I don't know. Uh I really don't because I really do state on myself a lot. Uh, but yes, I think that we have lost the art of meeting organically, right? Uh, and just engaging with somebody. I if I saw you face to face when we saw each other face to face, we engaged, but that is not normal. Right. And I think that is so rare uh these days. I really do.

SPEAKER_02 8:24

So I I guess when we talk about like going from because you were married, right? Yes, yes, I was married, yes. How long have you been back in the in the single world?

SPEAKER_00 8:37

Uh uh back in the single world since May. I mean, we've been apart, but uh May has been like was it official where we don't live together, I will say.

SPEAKER_01 8:50

Okay. So that's still that's very recent. That is very recent.

SPEAKER_00 8:54

Yes. Uh, and it's very uh interesting being back out here and meeting people and engaging. Uh, I don't wish this on anybody. I will say that uh if you can find your person, stick with them and make it work, do whatever it is, because it ain't nothing out here in these streets. It's stuff out there, it's stuff out there, it's a lot of things out here, but it's not what you're looking for. I promise you that. Uh it's a lot of. I mean, are you on the apps? I am. I am. Do everybody always ask you for a lot of pictures?

SPEAKER_02 9:32

So it's not that I get a lot of pictures. I'll get people that because I I normally like when I'm like actively on there and like constantly, not constantly, but like engaging a lot, I'll have pictures. I'll try to have at least like three, four pictures or whatever on the page. No, I'm talking about like nude pictures? Yes. Sometimes, sometimes. But what I get is like people that don't have any pictures, they be the main ones asking for pictures. And I'm like, how are you trying to have any type of interaction or conversation with me? And I don't know who you are. I can't see you, you don't have nothing on your profile. There's no way that you are genuinely trying to connect with somebody in that capacity.

SPEAKER_00 10:10

Jay, does that make any sense whatsoever? No, not at all. Not to me. Not to me. So too, I get a lot of people think that they're saying, like, oh, I thought you were gonna be a catfish. I didn't think that you were who you said you were. And I was like, like, I have like five pictures, and I was like, it's right, right. Like, I don't know what else I can do to show you that I am who I am.

SPEAKER_02 10:31

Right. But it it goes back to like we were saying, that it's like so many people, there's so much out there. Sometimes I wonder if like how people interact in the real world because people take social media, they take the apps as a different reality, right? Or alternate reality. And so people like we said, people don't know how to engage outside of posting an Instagram pic. And I've seen people like that. There was a um a skit that I saw where people were sitting around and like they're outside at a club and they're just sitting there at a club or something, they just sit in there, and everybody's like, let's take a picture. And they're like, doing all that, like they having a great time. After they take the picture, they just back doing that. And I'm like, y'all are creating these fake realities, and in your mind, that it's like they're not connecting that what you're putting out there is not reality, but you're not trying to create the reality of it.

SPEAKER_00 11:24

Okay, I understand that totally because I've been at Bulldogs before, and I they had the the kids be just sitting around having a cocktail and just not engaging, and then as soon as somebody pulled their phone out, they're just like ready to snap and they're looking good, and everybody's and everybody got to show their outfit off. And I'm just like, five seconds ago, y'all were not engaging with each other whatsoever. So that's real life. It really is. It's a skit, but it's real life.

SPEAKER_02 11:50

Yes, and for me, I like I've I was in a relationship for eight years, so I've been single for um three and a half years now, and so going into my relationship, I I wouldn't say I I didn't, it wasn't that I didn't know who I was as a person, I was still learning who I was, and so throughout my relationship, I kind of found myself, especially in the beginning years, it was my identity was based off of us. So, like, hey, if we're doing, if I'm doing something, we need to be doing something. If I'm going somewhere, we need to be going somewhere. And I didn't take a lot of time for myself. And so towards the end of the relationship, I was like, okay, wait a minute, who am I? What is it that, what is it that's gonna make me happy? And so now that I've been single, in the beginning, it was one of those where, you know, I used to like, you know, to get over one man, you gotta get under 10 more or something like that. A little bit, just a little bit here and there. Um, but I think that over the last three and a half years, I've kind of more I've discovered more about who I am, what it is that makes me happy, what are the things that I desire from my connections? And when we kind of go into like what we're talking about as far as like creating our own relationship goes, one of the questions that we kind of discussed was like, what are the things that we're looking for in dating? For you, can you say like specific things like hey, this is what I'm looking for in a in a future partner? I know you take time to heal, bro. Don't don't don't rush into it because it ain't it's it's a headache.

SPEAKER_00 13:24

Uh what I'll say, what I would like, uh so I would say uh somebody who is very chill. Like I I enjoy my own space, I enjoy being alone. So somebody's gonna have to be able to accept that, like being that same space as me. Uh I will say that somebody who has their own thing, like I don't want to be your all in all. Like, I do I cannot do that at all. And uh somebody who is, I this may sound very like pretentious, but like somebody who is clean, like not clean as far as their own like hygiene, but I mean like if I come to your house and your house is messy, I'm a Virgo, and that gives me a bit of anxiety. So, like, I need your house if I'm coming over to visit to be as clean as my house is, and my house I feel like it's tidy. So those are the things that I would ask for, like just the basics of like dating, and also too, like, are you good with us being in the same room together and not having to fill the room with uh chatter? Like I would love, I love cuddling. My physical, uh physical touch is my love language.

SPEAKER_03 14:42

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 14:43

So I can be watching Law and Order, you can be on your computer working, you can be on your computer editing a video or something, and we don't have to actually talk the whole entire time. And that is sexy to me. Like that, if I can if you can be on the couch with me and I can be rubbing your feet while I'm watching Law and Order and you working, like that is extremely sexy.

SPEAKER_02 15:08

So for me, when I was in my relationship, um, I think it was maybe like year, maybe year four-ish or something. Uh, that's when I discovered the um five love languages. Okay, I I read the book and I learned a lot about myself after reading that book. So for me, physical touch is my love language. Before going into my relationship, well, I'm gonna say, once I was in my relationship, it was I needed more sex. Like, I was like, why are we not having sex more? Like, it's it's been four days. What's going on? You don't love me. I need you to love me. Give me give me love, right?

SPEAKER_00 15:50

Once I read the book, can you put a uh pen in that? Because we need to follow back up on that. But keep going. Okay, let's go. Because I want to talk about that as well. Please, please, please.

SPEAKER_02 15:59

I I made a note. All right, so once I read the book, and I was like, oh, it's not that I want more sex, it's that I want that physical connection. For me, before being in a relationship, because I'm I'm I I just made 40 in June, and I've only been in one serious relationship my entire life, and that lasted eight years. And so I I didn't have the the words to communicate what it is that I wanted. And so before that relationship, sex was my way of getting that physical contact. And there would be times where I'm like, I would go out and I would do my thing, and then I would come home and I'm like, okay, I still feel I still feel lonely. I don't feel fulfilled because I was back just be by myself without that physical contact. And so once I learned the once I found the words to communicate what it is that I was wanting and telling my partner, I'm like, okay, it's not that I want more sex, it's that I want more of that physical connection with you. And like you say, like we could be laying on the couch as long as I could feel like if I can reach my foot out and my my big toe can touch a piece of you, I'm good. I'm good. Like I could be laying in bed. Like I'm not a big cuddler. I'm like, I you got about 10, maybe 15 minutes, and I didn't get the hell off of me, right? Um, but if we lay in a bed and I roll over and I cock that foot back a little bit, as long as I feel you there, I am good. I am 100% good. But it took me investing in myself and educating myself to be able to do that. So my question for you is what was your what would what do what did you want to say about the uh what I said before?

SPEAKER_00 17:34

I I think that um a lot of times we equate uh physical touch with penetration or oral or something of that nature, and that's not always the case. A lot of times we just really want to be with somebody because a lot of times in our community we spend a lot of time alone, right? Or either we have that hit and miss and like we just have that moment and the person gets and puts their clothes on and leave. And that doesn't feel good, like I mean it doesn't. I can I can be honest. Like, I'm I've been active for 25, 20, no, not active, 30 years. Like I've been having sex for 30 years. Uh, and it does not feel good when somebody gets up after you have orgasmed and their clothes on and just been like, all right, dog, I I holler at you. Like that that don't feel good, but you have to learn that. In my early days and 20s, I didn't know that I desired more. I was just like, I I come to your house, I hit you up, and then we just do our thing and then we separate. But now that at my age, that doesn't feel good whatsoever.

SPEAKER_02 18:53

So when would you say that change came for you? So not you said not necessarily in your 20s, was it like in your 30s and your 40s?

SPEAKER_00 19:00

My 30s, yes. I probably learned that I desired more from somebody uh in my 30s rather than just a uh a single moment. Now I will now I but I'm also gonna be the devil's advocate and be like, I ain't gonna say that I still ain't had uh, yes, yes, everything is but I be like, nah, you wanna just you wanna just stay tonight? You don't wanna just cuddle, and they be like a lot of younger guys are not comfortable with that. They wanna just get their stuff and go.

SPEAKER_02 19:39

And because it's the the it's the mindset and the culture that we have created. And I'll say we because like we are a part of the lifestyle, like we we've done the things and everything, and so it's become more of that I can leave you and go get on the app, get on social media, find somebody else, and I can go next go to that next person. I can leave that person and go to the next person, like and do this whole the whole cum dump situation. I'm like, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 20:08

I don't like I I've seen so many videos on Twitter and I've I've watched them and I'm just like, how do you just I don't it's not my thing, and I'm not I'm not uh I'm not shaming anybody whatsoever. I don't want that to come off as like I'm shaming somebody for their fetishes or what they adore or what they like. Uh but for me, if I you invite me over, I don't want there to be like five other people waiting to like like it's just not my thing, and I'm not and I'm not shaming, I'm not slut shaming whatsoever because I don't want nobody to be like, oh my god, kills it's like no, I'm not saying that whatsoever. What I'm saying is that if you are wanting to be my person, then I don't want to see you get by like five other people. Like, it's just not my thing. I'm sorry. It's just I don't know, is that your thing?

SPEAKER_02 21:04

Or do you enjoy that? So, okay, that kind of goes into like another part of the conversation that we were discussing is like open relationships, right? So when I was younger, I I wouldn't say I didn't understand the concept of an open relationship, I just thought that it's not for me. And this is before being in a relationship, and it was more of uh thinking that okay, if I'm in a relationship, this one person is my person, I don't need nobody else, I'm their person, we should be good to go. But after being in a relationship, how long were you? Um was your last relationship, the marriage? Uh five years. So for me, in in my relationship, it was one of those things where as time went on, we kind of like I learned stuff about myself, he learned things about himself, and it was like I got a lot of the intimacy that I needed sometimes. Um, but it wasn't always like an even balance. So there are times where I'm like, okay, I need a little bit more intimacy. You want to give me sex, but I'm not getting intimacy with the sex. And then there are times where it's like, okay, I'm getting the intimate intimacy, but I'm not getting the sex. And I think that where I am now in life, as if I'm going to be in a relationship, I'm not opposed to an open relationship, but that doesn't mean that it will 100% be something that I'll want long term or that will work out, but I'm open to it because in the relationship I realize that there are gonna be times where the partner is not in the mood, you in the mood, or vice versa. So how do we kind of like bridge that gap in between? And I think that that's why some people do go into open relationships. I could be completely wrong, I don't know, but that's my take on it.

SPEAKER_00 22:56

I don't know how that works, um, just because I am I am, I will say that in that space I'm very selfish. Like I don't never been in an open relationship, not that I knew I was in, let me say that. Uh, but I am I am not somebody who uh is my I don't go into a relationship thinking that I want to be open, I want to have sex with you and somebody else and everybody else. Uh that's why now I believe that I ask more questions around sexual preferences and what is it that you engage with and what you enjoy. Because if you are versed and I'm a top, then I just need to understand what that looks like going forward because I may not be able to fulfill you sexually. Right. Because I have no desire to uh bottom. I'm just being honest. Uh that's the name of the show, a little too honest.

SPEAKER_02 23:54

That's the name of the show.

SPEAKER_00 23:55

Uh no, yeah, I mean, literally, uh, I have no desire to bottom. I've tried and it's not my thing. Uh, so I ask those questions up front now, so therefore, I don't get into a space where uh I cannot fulfill my partner. Right.

SPEAKER_02 24:12

So I um I had a therapy session with um ChatGPT. Um, and that's one of the things that I kind of discussed when it comes to the gay lifestyle, I feel like there's there's so many different levels to compatibility with us. So it's like you have to find somebody attraction, the physical attraction, it needs to be there, right? And so for some people, for me personally, like there's people that that I don't know if you asked me if people knew I was a homosexual, they know I'm a homosexual. Um, in my mind, I think like everybody just know, you know what I'm saying? But that's not the case, always like I get it, I get it. So if I come across more masculine to some people, I'm also more attracted to a more masculine guy. And sometimes masculine guys aren't necessarily attracted to each other, but within our dynamics, there's always going to be those situations where it's like, yes, I find this person attractive, they may be they may check every box on the physical side, but now we have to worry about the sexual side. Now we have to worry about the the relationship and and how we connect emotionally and mentally and all of those things because I guess I always say, like, with a man and a woman, they know what they're about to get into. Like they already know, like you putting this inside of this, and we're about to get it on, unless you wanted something else and something else.

SPEAKER_00 25:40

You have to add the financial piece to it too, because you gotta make sure that part the other person is financially stable, and that may not match up with right, like so. That's also a thing of it, too. Uh, with you, did you feel the need? And I'm gonna ask this question did you feel the need to announce that you were single after you broke up?

SPEAKER_02 26:05

I did, I did. Um, because like I said, like me and my partner were together for eight years, and so within that eight years, like we lived together seven of the eight years that we were together, and so we had like this intermingling of like family and friends and and things like that. And so a part of it, like and when I did it, I I did make a post on Facebook, I was like, just let everybody know this is a situation, this is what's going on. Um, because I was actually hurting, and that's the because I had never been in a breakup like that before. And so like I was hurting in order for me to like get to that point where I can start to kind of like heal a little bit, I had to like let that go. And I remember like I it was like maybe two o'clock in the morning, and I sent I literally sent the post like five minutes later. One of my friends called me. She was like, Are you okay? Do you need something? Like, I don't have to go to work, I can come over, like I can come over there first thing in the morning. I'm like, No, I'm good, you okay? But it was a thing for me to be able to acknowledge that eight years of my life is now ending, and I have to shift into that next phase of who I am as a person, and then like grieve the relationship. Because I honestly I've never I've never experienced grief the way that I experienced it after my relationship ended. Because I've lost I've lost family members and things like that, but there wasn't somebody like my family members weren't people that I lived with and shared a home with and shared dogs with and and did all of these things with for eight straight years of my life. So it was a lot. It was a lot.

SPEAKER_00 27:43

I will say that I didn't know that you were single for a long time. Uh I just think that I because I don't follow you on, I don't think I follow you Facebook, but I know I follow you, IG. Uh, but I think that for me it was like I just saw you transitioning to more of a uh personality and uh engaging more with your uh with your followers. And I was like, is he single? Like because there was a guy in the picture before and now it's not. And I think that hard is hard for us because now you you have to keep telling people like, don't tell me you're sorry. Like, I don't like I don't need you to be sorry for me. Like, I we made a conscious decision to not be together any longer. And I think that that is what so when somebody says that it that hurts the most because I'm just like, why are you sorry for me?

SPEAKER_02 28:38

Like so I I think especially in our community, it's you have a large following on Instagram. Uh are you on TikTok?

SPEAKER_00 28:51

Yeah, I have even more followers on TikTok, which is ridiculous because I don't even post on TikTok. I don't even know why I have no idea why anybody follows me on TikTok.

SPEAKER_02 29:00

But they're just that carrier, right? But like so, like I have like that following on a bigger following on TikTok, right? And so it's one of those things where when people see an image in their mind, like, oh, that's the standard. Like, oh, look at them, they're winning, they're doing this, and and sometimes it's not it that that that picture is taking a five to ten seconds of reality that's now captured into this still image. And when we look at it, it's like, oh, you're smiling, you you seem so happy, and it goes back to like I was saying, people in the club like this, and they pull the phone out. Like, and so I think that when people do like me and my ex, like we did videos together, uh, not not porn or nothing like that. We're not on X or anything like that. I was about to say, go ahead and share the X. Oh, because you can go to the I'm just nah we'll talk after, we'll talk after we get done. But it's it's like you people see that, and it's like, oh, they they seem so happy, and even like family and friends, like my mom, even to this day, loves him. And I this is called a little too honest. So I'm gonna be honest with you, okay? Okay. I I don't know what you're gonna say. I don't I have um I feel like I feel like it's gonna turn a it's gonna bring the conversation into a whole nother place a little bit. So me and my ex are we're still cool, okay? Um not in an intimate way, not in a sexual way, anything like that. Recently he's he was going through some things and he was like, hey, can I stay at your place? And so uh why are you making that face? So he in the room right now? Not currently at the moment. Okay. He lives with, but y'all live together. He he's staying here for the moment. Uh y'all live together. No. Is he a roommate? He's not a guest. He's just a guest. He's just a guest.

unknown 31:00

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 31:00

So it's like it's one of those things where it's like, hey, I know you you're going through something three couple three, four months, get on your feet, then hopefully you can do what you need to do and do what you gotta do.

SPEAKER_00 31:14

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 31:15

I feel like you want to say something.

SPEAKER_00 31:17

No, I think that that is very uh genuine of you. I think that that, I mean, when you spend eight years with somebody, you can't just like walk away and be like, I ain't gonna talk to you no more. Uh so no, I think that that is very uh positive. I don't think that's a negative thing whatsoever. I don't believe in letting people struggle by themselves. I believe that that is uh great of you to do that. Um so no, there's nothing. I I ain't got nothing to say about it.

SPEAKER_02 31:44

So, but it it it kind of makes me wonder when people are in relationships for however long, a couple of years or whatever it is, like after the relationship ends, it's like, oh, you ain't shit, like, oh F you, you this, you that. And I'm like, but you were with this person.

SPEAKER_00 32:02

Um, I will say that every situation is different. Like, uh, you gotta think about Ike and Tina. Like, that was horrible. So, like, she said, I don't want to keep talking about this over and over again. It was horrible and it was abusive, and I want to talk about it. Uh, I believe that there was other relationships where, like, think about Kobe and Natalie or Vanessa. Um, like he passed, so now she's single. Like, I think that there's different situations. Right. And you cannot compare one to the other. I believe that if it is abusive, uh, you need to get help and get counseling and move on with your life. I will say that that's not okay with for anybody if it's an affectionate relationship, and don't stay in it just for the fact of not making anybody else upset. Because our families and friends are also going through the grieving process of us breaking up. It's just me and you, it's everybody around us who was at the wedding and our friends and everybody who saw it online, and and everybody's all like, oh and I'm just like, can I I just want to lay in bed and not talk to anybody about my breakup?

SPEAKER_02 33:16

Like, I really let me ask you this because I haven't I haven't like combed through your page recently. Um, have you made an announcement about the breakup?

SPEAKER_00 33:27

No, I have not. Uh I don't know if he has or not. He's blocked me on uh everything, so I don't know what he's saying or what's his, but I did not go through and delete pictures. I've archived pictures, but I've not gone through and deleted pictures of him or of our wedding. Um going through the uh therapy process, I think that I'm understanding that we don't have to talk and uh we don't talk whatsoever. After spending five years together and spending uh the last probably like year not really in a great space, we don't we don't have that engagement, and I'm not mad at it, and I hope he's not mad at it, and I hope he's living a great life and we don't see we don't see each other whatsoever.

SPEAKER_02 34:19

Are you the type of person that has like, oh, I regret this situation, or I wish I wouldn't have done this, or are you more of like, hey, this is what I learned from this? Like I it's time in my life, it wasn't wasted because I'm sure there were like good times of great memories. So are you one of those people that like, okay, I'm gonna take what I learned from this and let it propel me forward?

SPEAKER_00 34:40

Yeah, I'm somebody, I I mean, because it's still like in the first year, uh, it's still kind of hard, but somebody who be like, get that man. Like, I don't like I don't think that way. I think that we had our great times, and then when times were bad, they were bad. And I learned from those, and I don't hurt, I will say this hurt people hurt people. 100%. And I do not want to go into anything else uh and hurt anybody at all whatsoever because of my past.

SPEAKER_02 35:18

So with that, I one of the things that I kind of had to realize is that I I don't want to let me see how do I want to say it? Go ahead and say it. Go ahead and say it. I thought this was I thought we were talking the truth then. It is, it's a little too honest, a little too honest, right? Yeah, one of the things I had to realize is that I can't help hurting people. And it's not uh it's it's it's not a thing of like I'm intentionally doing it. I can be honest with somebody and still hurt them. And I had to learn that it's okay, not okay, but I will have to be the villain, the villain in other people's story. We're I we're always a villain in somebody else's story. So, like a situation that I had, it's maybe a couple of situations, but um, two for sure. But like one situation that I met this guy, uh, we were hanging out, and like he was cool people, but I was very upfront because at that time I think I was maybe probably within the first year or no more than a year out of my relationship, and I was like, I don't want anything serious. I am the type of person, like I'm I'm a cancer, so like as a cancer, we are nurturers, we gonna show up, we gonna, we're gonna like whatever you need, baby. I got you. And so, like, there was one one night uh we were talking, it was on Jack, um, and I was like, Oh, I'm about to run to Sonic. And he lived like five minutes away from me going towards Sonic. And so, oh, he was like, Oh, bring me a um, what's that blue shit called that they have? The a blue slushie or something. I don't, I don't know. I don't I don't go to Sonic. It's like it was like the blue slush stuff with the uh sprite or whatever it is, and so I was like, Okay, cool, send me your address. So he sent the address, I went to Sonic and I brought him to slushie. We sat in the car and talked for like two hours, and I I understand how things like that can be taken as oh, like this person's cool, like this person is showing interest in me. And they're like, Yeah, you cool, but I don't want anything anything serious. And for me, I've I've been as open and honest as I've I can with anybody that I do encounter. But some people still take it as like, but we're still spending time, or we're having sex, or we're doing X, Y, and Z. So that means that we're working towards a relationship. No, it don't mean that it's working towards a relationship because at that time in my life that wasn't what I desired. I enjoyed the intimacy, I enjoyed the sex, I enjoyed all of those things, but I had to take accountability and say, to me, it's not that I led somebody on, I was just doing what made me happy and what I desired. Yes, and so it's not uh I I feel like it's not my fault that but it is all right.

SPEAKER_00 38:10

Thank you guys for being no, we have to take responsibility because when we let people in our space, uh, and when you're charismatic or you're charming, and uh people spend an hour or two with you or they have sex with you, they think that not everybody, but a lot of people think that, oh wow, like I want to get to know more about this person, and you're like, oh, that was that was fun, and you've moved on, but that person is still stuck in that that two-hour moment at Sonic. Like that probably meant a lot to that person, right? And not saying it's wrong or it's right, but it's not necessarily fair.

SPEAKER_02 38:50

So, and I I agree with you 110%. And in my mind, I guess the way that I justified it is like I was honest with you. I told you I didn't want anything serious, but I also understand how actions can be like some people look at it like, oh, actions speak louder than words, and I'm like, sure, but listen to my words.

SPEAKER_00 39:09

I don't want anything serious. But a lot of people don't hear that because like if you sat in the car with if you I don't know about sitting in a car, I would not do that. But if you sat in the car with me for two hours, my mind would be like, oh damn, like I really don't know what this new vibe is. Like, this everybody wants to vibe, vibe, vibe. Like that's the new thing. Uh, but if you sat with me in the car for two hours, I'd be like, oh damn, me and that nigga vibe, like we was cool. So to me, that would mean that you had some more interest than what you shared before. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 39:45

So I'm a I'm a vibe person. I'm like, I need I want to have that that where does that come from? Like, what like where do we get this? Like, it's like a vibe, like it's just vibing. Like, let's let's like this is their vibe, this is my vibe, let's get into the vibe together.

SPEAKER_00 39:57

And if y'all meet at the same place, then what happens?

SPEAKER_02 40:00

We get it on.

SPEAKER_00 40:02

I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 40:05

Okay, so so for me, it's like the way I look at it as when I want to vibe with a person, that means I want to connect with you, right? But I'm also the type of person where, especially in my younger days, I was able to like that have that disconnect. Whereas like just because we have sex, it doesn't mean that I want anything serious outside of that sex. I can still like we may meet, have sex, do whatever, but that doesn't mean that that's gonna be a long-term thing. We may become the best of friends, but there are people that are like, no, I don't want to be your friend, I want to be X, Y, and Z. And I'm like, why can't we just enjoy each other's company? Like, I have a um a friend of mine that I was cool with for a while back. Um, we were kind of dating a little bit, but that didn't work out, and so I'm like, okay, let's just work on being friends, and within that, it's like if we do hang out and spend time, it's like in their mind, it's like, oh, we're working back towards what we had at that point. And I'm like, no, let's just enjoy friends. And that also kind of goes back to what we were saying with the whole social media thing, where it's like you don't have to sleep with everybody that you connect with, you don't have to sleep with everybody that says hello to you. And then I think the culture now is like, oh, they hit me up, they must want to fuck.

SPEAKER_00 41:23

No, I like your shoes, like, but also too, like I will say for me, like anybody that I would call a friend, like, we ain't had sex.

SPEAKER_02 41:34

Like, I don't have sex with my friends, so like I don't I guess I I'm using the term friend like loosely a little bit, right? Okay, so so somebody that you know, yes, yes. Now, if it's like that friend, you have that close friend circle, then it's like, okay, no, like we're not gonna cross that that boundary, we have that friendship. But I'm also one of those people that if like you meet somebody and it may be on like just a hookup tip in the beginning, but it's like, okay, after a while and getting to know each other, you're like, you know what? I don't really like you sexually no more, but you are a cool person that I can see myself having a friendship with, and I don't see anything wrong with that. But like I said, like nowadays when we talk about the the apps and social media, like we've we're missing that actual connection with people. There's there's people that I've met that I'm like, you seem cool as shit. Like, I understand you just want to fuck, but like let's go grab a drink or something, let's go, let's go hang out, like and actually get to know each other, not in a relationship, not we don't need to fuck, we don't need to do that. Like, this is hang out and like build a bond, and that's what I feel is missing.

SPEAKER_00 42:44

That I've been like, oh, I thought I wanted to like have sex with you, but I really am not attracted to you. But like, you want to go to get some wings? Like, I've been in that place before. Like, I can tell you the truth, like, there's been times where people portray different things online, and you think that uh I had a situation recently where me and this guy went out to have tacos on Taco Tuesday, and uh we were like kicking it like sisters, and I'm just like, oh you oh hey, what's what's what's the tea bitch? And I was just like, yeah, like we are not compatible whatsoever.

SPEAKER_02 43:25

Like with that, I think, like, can I ask where did you meet that person? Instagram. Okay, so like I was saying, like when people create this image of their reality, and you meet like you think you when you meet them, the hope is that hey, who you are portraying yourself online as is gonna be who you portray yourself in person as. But what I've realized that I'll say maybe like good 90% of the people are not who they portray themselves as on social media. Like I've seen people, I've been I've been trying to go. More like being more social and engaging in the last say two, two and a half years, and the more I uh I am in like these different settings and seeing different people from social media, and I'm like, oh, that's who you really are. But on online, you know, you don't portray you don't give that. But I guess like when we talk about how when you and I saw each other, like, oh my god, look, uh look, like I we chatted online before, right? Um I guess what what I saw in you was like who you show up online as is who you show up in person as.

SPEAKER_00 44:37

Well, thank you for that. I appreciate that. I try to be my genuine self. I try.

SPEAKER_02 44:41

Right. And I think that that's where people, some people are afraid to like connect because they know they aren't being genuine.

SPEAKER_00 44:49

And I don't like people who are pretentious.

SPEAKER_02 44:52

At all.

SPEAKER_00 44:53

At all. This person came off about like all they had and all the money they had and everything. I was just like, and so in the it just was not good whatsoever. And I mean, I think he's a nice person, but yeah, it just was not cool whatsoever. So you know what happened? You know what happened? Y'all didn't vibe. We didn't, we didn't vibe. Uh he went his way, we went our way. I went and like he is living his best life. I see him on social media. I still like all his posts. Still, uh, I don't hold grudges like that. Like, it's not that serious for me.

SPEAKER_02 45:31

And I think like that's the thing that I that I really don't understand. Why, if we meet somebody and it's not like we don't vibe, we don't connect on that in that way, it's okay. It's no hard feelings, it's not we don't need to like go to our friends and bash a person. And I feel like I do though. I've seen that. I've seen it. And I'm like, bruh, why are we doing this? Like, why as a community, why are we doing that? Because like what, like what it said, like one man's trash is another man's treasure, right? So just because you aren't the person for me, I'm not the person for you, that don't mean I can't be the person for somebody else that you may know, or somebody else just out there in the world. But yet you're trying to create an image of who I am based off of your perception or your opinion of what you thought I would be for you.

SPEAKER_00 46:14

I think that's so interesting. I'm glad you said that because a lot of times when I've been at like Bulldogs or somewhere, uh somebody be like, I thought that you was gonna be stuck up, or I thought that you was gonna be this. And I'm just like, I don't know, I will tell you this. I don't ever remember anybody's name. Like, my best friend would tell you, Charisse is never going to remember your name, but like I'm always gonna be nice to you. Approached me and said, like, oh, I thought you was gonna be bitchy or rude. And I was like, why? Like, all my posts are like me smiling, so I don't know why you would think that. But uh people have definitely told me that they thought I was gonna be something different than what they have experienced with me. And I'm just like, I'm just I'm the coolest. I think. Well, I mean, I'm just looking at for my own image, but I think that I'm the coolest, chillest kid ever, you know. I'm country, like I'm from South Carolina, man. Like, I don't, I don't meet a stranger and I'm professional. I work in a professional environment, so like I don't have the energy to be mean to people, like not to me, anyway.

SPEAKER_02 47:20

So I I for me, I got to the point in my life where, you know, like they say happiness is a choice. And I 100% believe that because this morning I woke up, like, I didn't I didn't sleep that great. And so um, as I was on my way to work, I sent a message in our um in a group chat to my staff, and I was like, I want at least four or five people to respond, go online, find a positive quote, and like share the quote with everybody in the chat because it's like it's up to us to create the type of day, the type of environment that we want to be a part of. And so for me, going to therapy, like I'm I'm always gonna be big on therapy. Like, if anybody's watching this, y'all can go on YouTube and watch my uh removing the mask mental health forum that is available on my page. Um, I'm a big advocate of therapy, and I think that there are a lot of people that are not healed, like you said, hurt people hurt people, and I think some of these people don't even realize that they're hurting because they're just going through their life as oh, this is my norm. Like, no, baby, you need to go to therapy, you need to heal, you need to talk to somebody. And for me, learning to I one, I'll say, like, love myself. It is allowed me to I would say receive the world in a different way. And because in the beginning, not say in the beginning, but when I was younger, man, it was like everything was the world's against me, like, oh, I'm sad because uh my friends didn't invite me out, and I'm like, man, fuck y'all, I'm about to go sit at the bar, have me a drink by myself. If I chat with somebody while I'm there, good. If I don't, I'm good. I'm about to give me a drink, have me a good old time. But it's up to us as individuals to make that active choice to be happy and the things that we want.

SPEAKER_00 49:09

Yes, I I totally agree to that. I don't like when somebody just be like, This is just who I am. I was like, no, you just that's a choice. That's you choosing to be mean. Like, why do you gotta be a mean girl? Like, it's not that serious whatsoever. And there's so many of people, especially like if I go out to a restaurant with somebody and they're rude to the wait staff, like we are never going out anywhere else together ever in my life.

SPEAKER_02 49:33

Ever. So listen, man, I have a I have a friend that like we've been hanging out for a while, and we went to the movies Sunday, and as we were walking into the movies, it was a couple in front of us, uh a guy and a girl. And so the girl, the girl went in first, the guy went in after, but he held the door open for for us. My friend was in front of me, and he walked in behind the guy. So when we walked in, I was like, Did you tell him thank you? And he was like, No, for what? I was like, because he held the door open for you. And he was like, eh? I was like, bruh. It's small things like that are that are things that are like somewhat of a turnoff for me. It's like if you're not kind, if you're not courteous and respectful to people, it's small things like that that just be like, come on now. Um, but I I we did talk about it.

SPEAKER_00 50:28

I think like he'll he'll hopefully he'll do better. Well, if somebody comes, like if you have a wait staff and they don't have on a name tag, and I ask people all the time, hey, what is your name? Like it's just a small thing. So therefore, I when I'm engaging with them, I speak to them. Address them as a person, like they they are a human being. I'll do somebody here to serve you. Right. I don't know, I don't know where that comes from, but like that's not my life whatsoever. But I think we got off topic, but still.

SPEAKER_02 50:54

But no, it goes back to like when we're looking for the things that you're looking for and you're creating those relationship goals, like, kind of for me, everything that we kind of talked about, like it was like bits and pieces of who we are as uh individuals and the things that we kind of like seek in a partner, and being able to like identify some of those smaller traits are important. Like when I was doing my um my therapy session with ChatGPT, it was like, what are the like qualities or traits that you're looking for in a partner? And for me, it was like I want somebody that that that's kind, that's thoughtful, that's caring, that's understanding, that's patient. I want to be able to like get off from work and be excited to meet up with this person. I want to be able to see their name, come across my phone and light up. Yes, there are those, there's like clear physical traits that that I desire, but there's also things that I'm like, okay, you ain't you don't always have to be like I'm not that tall, but um, but for the world, I'm tall.

SPEAKER_00 51:55

Um, you don't always have to be like I'm short and you're shorter than me.

SPEAKER_02 52:00

All right, thank you guys for why you put my business out there like that, man. These people don't know me. Um for me, like I I like taller guys. Like my ex was six, two, six, three. Um, and so that's not necessarily a requirement full requirement. If I meet somebody that's shorter, that I find as handsome, I think they're sexy, they got a good personality, I'm good with that. They don't have to be like I don't like raising thin. Like if you're this big, I can't, I can't do it. Um, but it's like there are those traits that we desire and we look for in a person, but it's also being able to say, like, what type of person are you underneath all of that? How do you show up for your people? How do you show up for your friends?

SPEAKER_00 52:46

Because looks will fail. I'm I'm telling you right now. Like absolutely none of us are gonna be beautiful forever. Right. Today me and you are, but but who knows what that's gonna look for?

SPEAKER_02 52:58

But hey, this is 40.

SPEAKER_00 53:00

Like, I could 45, and this is 40.

SPEAKER_02 53:02

40, 45. Listen, and so it's one of those things where for me, man, like as I get older, when I talk to people in their like their 20s and things like that, and I'm like, just keep living, just keep living. As I've gotten older, I have more of a that that drive and that desire to be like, let me make sure my skin looks good, let me make sure it's all d up a little bit. I know I need to shave a little bit, but I want to make sure that I'm like taking care of it's drinking water 100%.

SPEAKER_00 53:28

What is the what is the thing with everybody putting these things under? I don't know what that's about. Like, I think that's a new fad where they put these like um stickers under. I don't know what it's about.

SPEAKER_02 53:38

They try to get rid of their eye patches. I'm like, okay, stop going out every night and and drinking all day long and drink some water, you might be okay. Like, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 53:48

No drinking though, no judging, no judgment. All over social media, and I was just like, I don't really know what that's about, but yeah.

SPEAKER_02 53:54

So everything's like it's like a following, like everybody on social media is like, oh, this is the next big big trend. I'm like, be be be original, be be who you are as a person, but that's a struggle for people.

SPEAKER_00 54:07

It is, it's totally a struggle for people. What is it that you would uh tell? Let me see what age I want to pick. What would you tell 20-year-old Jay? Like, what would you say to yourself at 20?

SPEAKER_02 54:27

20 is like that's uh that's actually a good year. Um because I grew up well no, not good as in the year. No, I picked a good year. You picked a good year, yes. You picked a very good year. Um, because that was a big transition for me. So I was um I grew up in Louisiana, uh, moved to Houston, and then I went to the army. And so I went to the army when I was 20. And so that was like this little country kid from Louisiana, um leaving home. I moved to Texas, then it was like, okay, I'm leaving Texas, now I'm going to the Army, got people yelling in my face and everything. I think at that time in my life, one of the things my mom told me when I was leaving to go to the army was don't go there trying to tell them people how to do their job. Because I I was one of the people like, you ain't doing that right. Like, not don't tell me what to do because you you you sound stupid right now. Like, I like I I I had no filter. You can't do that at the army. You cannot do that at the army. Exactly, exactly. And so it was that that transition into I'm not this little kid from the country anymore that's like living with my mom or moving to Louisiana and depending on my sister and my my aunt to take care of me. So it was like that that first step into manhood um as a a solo person and not being able to depend on other people. So for me, like looking back, and the thing that I would tell myself is and I it's it I it's almost kind of like the same what I said, because I did another video, and we talked about like I think 13 or 15 year old. Um everything that you think you are, you are that and more. And it's more of learning to grow and learning to develop those skills and those traits and those characteristics that'll make you the person who you are now. And so like I dealt with like I've dealt with insecurity and and things throughout my life, and even at that, at that age, but if I can go back with the confidence and the security that I have in myself and be like, bro, you good. Like, look, like the scheme was much better back then. But uh um you're great today. Thank you, thank you. Um, but it's it's just one of those, I would say, believing in who you are, because you you are worthy, you are everything that you think that you are, and everything that that you want will come to light. Uh and one of the things I always tell people um now, like hitting like 35 to the 40 range, a lot of the things that I prayed for in my 20s and 30s, um now starting to see them manifest. And it's like I know we get a little religious a little bit now, but it's like when we say he's an on-time God, he's an on-time God. We just have to trust in his time. And it's like it may take him 10 years, but you have to be faithful, you have to stick it out and believe that he will provide for you. And it's like that's where I am in my life, is as far as everything that I have right now. There's days I wake up and I'm like, did I tell God thank you, yes? But even if I did, thank you, God. I'm gonna say it again. I'm gonna keep saying that. So that's that's that's kind of where I am in life. I love that.

SPEAKER_00 57:37

Love that. Uh I would say if I had to go back to a time for me, it would probably be like 21, 22, or no, probably a bit younger. Well, yeah, around that time frame where as uh gay African-American men, we are seeking a validation. I would tell myself, like, you don't need anybody's validation to be who you are. And you can be happy without a man or you can be happy with a man, but you don't need that to make you who you are, because you are perfect in your own site or your own site or whatever it is that you want to do. But I believe that a lot of times we don't get to hear that young uh men. So therefore, I think that that would be something I would love to tell myself then because I was seeking so much validation at that age. And that's pre uh social media, and it's when somebody had to tell you face to face that they liked you. So uh are used on gay.com or uh just Adam for Adam or whatever. Adam for Adam, Black Gay Chat. Yes, yeah, BGC. Uh so I believe that that is something that I would tell my younger self that don't just seek validation from people because that shit lasts like little to no time and it don't mean nothing.

SPEAKER_02 58:59

So, like I know we're about to wrap up in a few, but how did you learn that? How did you learn to like, okay, I don't need to seek that validation? What what was it for you that kind of gave you that?

SPEAKER_00 59:11

Um, I think that um it's still a continuous uh thing that I'm still learning as it continues to grow, is that I don't seek validation from people, uh, that because a lot of people will be like, oh my god, Kells or Sharif or whatever you call me, or however you've met me, uh, that you're so attractive. And I'm just like, okay, thank you. Well, that's cool, but like what else is there? And uh it's something that I continually have to battle with just because I can get so caught up in the physical. Right. And that don't that don't take you nowhere. I can tell you that right now.

SPEAKER_02 59:53

It's like it'll get you through the door, but like what's gonna keep you there, you know.

SPEAKER_00 59:58

So that's that's always how I looked at it. Uh, because I have guys all not always, but people like, you're so charismatic and you're so easy to talk to, and then because they see you and they think that you're just a physical like being, and then they meet you and they're like, Oh, you really a nice person, or you really got a personality, or like you got something going for yourself. So you have to just peel those layers back and not go too much into that. Uh, before we wrap up, my question to you is uh what is the biggest misconception about you?

SPEAKER_02 1:00:32

I think people think that I am I I I wanna say like rude or like standoffish. Like, if I'm typically when I'm out and about, I'm staying to myself. If I know people, I'm gonna interact. If somebody engages with me, I'm I'll engage. Um, but I'm the type of person like if I know you, we're gonna sit down and have a conversation like all day long. Next time I see you, we we sit down and having a full face-to-face conversation, right? But it's one of those where you're judging me based off of that perception, right? I I have RBF at times. But once you get to know me, like I'm I'm a teddy bear. Like I'm a big ass teddy bear. And I'm the type of person, like I say, like I'm a I'm a I'm a nurturer, I'm a giver. Uh like my friends and the people that are close to me, I will give all that I have to those people. But when somebody be like, oh, why why you look so mean? Why why you not saying nothing? I'm like, I'm not, I'm not looking mean, it's just my my face. If you want to sit down and talk to me, we can sit down and talk. If we have something in common and we're having a good vibe, we'll sit here and talk for three, four hours. But you have to get to know me and not just judge me based off of what you think you see.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:44

Okay. Uh so I've never like we saw each other face to face, but like just from social media, I would say that my perception of you would be you're funny, you're engaging, uh you're always posting something fun.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:00

So I don't know why anybody would think that you're ever so it I guess like you know how we said where when you see a person on social media and it's almost like I don't feel that I being a social media personality or whatever people want to call it, it's I'm still who I am. I'm not I'm not the type of creator that does like I'm I do skits and things like that, but I'm still showing up authentically. And so when I'm out and about, people expect for me to be my orange character. I don't know if you've seen like the orange videos, but it's like they expect for me to be that character or like the the mama character. I'm like, that's a character, but I still show you who I am as a person. So I've been, I remember I was at Bulldogs one day, and I was out, we was out on the back patio, and I was with a friend of mine, and he had some of his friends that were hanging around, and there was this one guy, he was like literally standing like right right next to me. And so I'll I'll see him like look at me, he'll turn his head, look at me, he'll turn his head, and about 30, 45 minutes later, he was like, I like your videos. I'm like, bruh, you've been standing here this whole time. Why didn't you why didn't you just then say that? But I think it's like in that space, if somebody thinks like, oh, you're not approachable. I've I I've gotten that before where people think I'm not approachable, but it's one of those like, how do I work on that? How do I make myself more approachable? But also like giving people the if hey, if y'all see me and y'all out there and y'all want to approach me, y'all want to buy me a drink, y'all want to take me out to eat, hit it up. Like, hey, like it's not.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:38

It's not your responsibility to make somebody see that. That's gotta be their thing.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:42

Right, absolutely. But I think it's also a thing of like that confidence. Um, because I would say I I struggle with that confidence in other saying other people and wanting to be able to like go up to them and be like, hey, what's up, how you doing? So I don't I feel like sometimes people like struggle when they see me. Like, well, do I speak to them? Do I say anything? I'm like, yeah, speak.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:01

Like, like I'm human. I can understand that. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:05

But I also understand that there are some rude ass people out there that take the social media thing to their head and they think that they are a celebrity, and I'm like, bruh, like you, you ain't that.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:16

It's not that serious. Whatsoever. All right. Anything that you want to uh talk about before we wrap up?

SPEAKER_02 1:04:23

Yes, sir. So as we wrap up, what advice would you give to uh the audience uh about creating the type of relationship or connections with people that they desire?

SPEAKER_00 1:04:36

Uh be your true authentic self. Uh be honest about what it is that you want and how you want to approach it. I mean, like when I talk about like honest, I'm talking about like from sex to like you go to the movies or you don't like going to the movies. You want to go to the gym, you want to go to the pool, like going to go to the beach, like be very upfront and honest about the things that you want because sooner or later it's going to become an issue if you're not upfront about those things. And uh don't don't I mean it's better, easier, it's easier said than done, but don't fall in love quick. I'm just being honest. Like you can fall in love with five people in the same week. Like, just don't fall in love quick because it's heartbreaking when the other person does not uh have those same feelings for you. And that's what I would say for young black gay men is that uh life is a whirlwind and things happen fast and you can't control what somebody else is doing.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:47

Right. So I think for me, the thing that I would the advice that I would give is knowing what it is that you are wanting for yourself, not just in that. Moment before your future because like we can meet somebody who we are today, but if your goal is to continue to grow, your goal is to go to school, your goal is to go start a business, you have to be able to know what it is that you want and find a partner who can pour into you. They don't necessarily have to be there side by side with you, but they can support you. Like when I when I say side by side, I mean like doing the same thing as you. Like, okay, we're starting a business together. They don't have to do that, but you need somebody that can pour into you, that can support you on your journey, as well as you can support them on whatever journey that they may be on. Because one of the things that I that one of the things that I see a lot um when I'm like the times when I am on the apps and stuff, it's like there's so many people that have in their profile, I don't like this, I don't want this, you can't do this, you can't do that. But I'm like, what do you want? What is it that you actually want? And if you put because you're putting out that negativity of the things that you say you don't want, but you're not able to attract what you want because you don't know what you want. And I love what you say, like being honest about what it is that you want, so you can have those genuine connections with people. So my my biggest advice is just discovering or figuring out what it is that you want that's gonna make you happy, and being able to uh going back to what you said earlier, I want to still be able to have my space and do the things that I enjoy. You have your space, and then we can come together and we can have those things together. But as an individual, I still think to be able to know what it is that makes me happy, not just based off of you being a part of my life.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:32

Absolutely, because if you're not okay with being alone, then you're not gonna be okay being with me either.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:37

You're gonna be codependent like a motherfucker. Like, you're gonna be like, oh my god, I can't survive.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:44

Uh this has been amazing. Thank you so much for the opportunity to share my voice. Uh, and I'm I I will tell you, everybody out there in the world, that uh me and Jay do not have all the answers. Uh just our opinion about like life and how we view things, but uh definitely like live your life as your best life and uh enjoy it because we only get one and you don't get you don't get a do-over. Like once it's once you're done, it's done. So uh definitely do not take us as the word of advice for all black gay people, but we definitely have lived a life 40 and 45 years. So we 85 years of uh experience.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:26

Yes, 85 years of wisdom, failure, heartbreak. We over here looking like Sophia Patrillo. We over here, we got me a purse, let me look. Hold on a lot. Look, this is almost like the purse.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:38

It does look like that.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:39

You always pay one that was kind of like um the little B thing, yeah. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:44

Uh no, that would just be my feedback is that don't take us for the word of advice, but we do have a lot of experience and we want to see everybody succeed and be happy and be in love and be loved.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:56

Absolutely, man. So thank you guys for uh tuning in. I hope you all enjoyed the episode. Leave some comments, uh, like, share, uh, do all the great things, and hopefully you'll see us again. I would love to do another episode with you if you're down, like down the line. I would love to do another episode with you. Um, but you know, here we are, two gay black men living our lives. And hopefully, like I want people to be, I want to be a representation. So I hope that anybody's looking at this and looking at us and say, okay, they're doing whatever, like they they're killing it, they're living their life. Anybody can do it. It's up to y'all to make those choices to make me happy. Happiness is a choice, and it's up to us to make it. So thank y'all. See y'all later.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:35

Peace.