#048 Andrew Daniel on Sex and Intimacy

You'll hear us talk about the difference between sex and intimacy...what is it, btw?  Listen through to the end where Andrew talks about his book Awaken to Your True Self and about the healing he needed to do to really understand himself and then women.  You'll start off hearing his story of struggle with women even though he was very interested.  Do you crave being heard and understood, if you're a woman, the answer is probably yes.  Men, do you wish you were more resepected?  Hear what Andrew has to say about that and polarity itself.  Great info and please check out his book where he learned from hundreds of successful clients. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:00

Welcome to the Straight from the Source's Mouth Podcast. Frank talk about sex and dating. Hello everyone, Tamara here. Welcome to the show. Today's guest is Andrew Daniel, and we'll be talking about holistic and sacred sex and intimacy. If you like this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well. Thanks for joining me, Andrew.

SPEAKER_00: 0:20

Thanks for having me.

SPEAKER_01: 0:22

Yes, I think this is an another great topic for people to hear about. So why don't we get started either how you came to want to talk about this topic or how you came to be like whatever you want to start?

SPEAKER_00: 0:35

Yeah, I I struggled a lot when I was younger. As a kid, I had some uh so social struggles. I uh was bullied and teased as a kid, and so my uh let's just say my social skills were very lacking. And I uh I always loved girls, loved women, uh, throughout my life. And it was very challenging for me because uh I couldn't uh I I couldn't figure it out. Um I couldn't get a girlfriend or I mean it I didn't have a girlfriend until I was well in my twenties. And so there was a lot of pain and struggle around uh intimacy and sex and relationships and just social things in general. So that really led me into a journey of uh figuring this out, figuring out how to have relationships, how to have sex at a very high level, how to uh satisfy and fulfill my partners, um, how to get my needs met, how to meet their needs, and do so in a way that was at a masterful level, rather than just like uh strolling through the world and just dealing with whatever came, I purposefully sought out um how to learn this stuff.

SPEAKER_01: 2:05

Okay. I mean, that's uh I think a lot of people, especially now with online dating apps and you know, just not people people not being in person as often or talking in person. So I think a lot of people will will relate to this. So yeah, that's awesome. So what is the first thing you want people to know that you've learned, or how how else would you like to proceed?

SPEAKER_00: 2:29

Yeah, I think I mean there's a lot. I mean, I learned many, many, many, many, many things. Um but one of the the biggest things has been something that not only has applied to my sex life, but to life in general. And that would be really understanding what intimacy is. And I think a lot of people in our culture, intimacy immediately is assumed to be physical sex or very rare instances of really closeness, like intimate moments. Um, but you don't necessarily have intimate moments with everyone in the world. You're not having sex with everyone you meet, you're not having sex with objects and music and stuff like this. But there is a form of intimacy. And really what intimacy is about is allowing ourselves to truly be seen and a willingness to truly see others. And that isn't just the light, fluffy, happy parts. It's also the shadowy, dark parts as well. And so many of us don't want other people to see into us because we're hiding something, we're afraid, we're ashamed, we have guilt, there's fear, uh, we have an image of ourself that we want to maintain, we don't want to be rejected, abandoned, all of these reasons.

SPEAKER_01: 4:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 4:10

And so we keep intimacy away from us. We keep people out. And when it comes to the bedroom, when it comes to having sex with somebody you care about or love, uh, that doesn't work. It's literally the antithesis of what it's, you know, the whole point of all of it. And so a lot of people, uh including myself at times, uh, are having sex without intimacy. And it's kind of weird to say it like that, but a lot of a lot of people are having sex without intimacy. And so I realized there was this thing that was more than just having sex and being naked physically. There was a spiritual, there was an emotional, a mental intimacy as well, nakedness. And beyond the bedroom, I I started to realize that this affects everything. What I mean by that is that we can have intimacy with everybody around us. When we are speaking with somebody, we let them in, and then we have a willingness to see into them. Uh but most of us aren't doing that. We have a narcissistic image, we have armoring, we have barriers and walls, and we're hiding or we're manipulating, or we have agendas. You know, we're doing all of these other things except being vulnerable, uh, which is the prerequisite of intimacy, and letting people in, and a willingness to show up and look inside somebody else. And so the what I just said there about vulnerability is really the secret to intimacy. It's the thing that nobody wants, but is the thing that is absolutely required to have intimacy is vulnerability.

SPEAKER_01: 6:12

Yeah, yeah, definitely. I'm just like, well, yeah, I like everything you're saying. And I agree. Yeah. And then, I mean, we can go back to how you discover this or um just the importance of it, and then you know, like the next thing that's important as well, whichever you want to, whichever way you want to go.

SPEAKER_00: 6:32

Well, I would I I would just say that the vulnerability aspect is the part that a lot of people struggle with. It's the part that I I don't know. I there was a I don't know if it was Brene Brown or somebody, but they they said this really funny thing of like working with researchers that are like, oh, we love this intimacy thing. Well, can you show us how to do it without having to be vulnerable? Yeah. And I I resonated so much with that. And I was like, yeah, exactly. Like, how do we like how can we have all of this wonderful stuff without the fear of rejection, you know, without actually um a chance of getting hurt or the discomfort. And it's just not possible. You can get comfortable, you can get to a place in your life where when you understand this, you can be in relationship with vulnerability, and it's a lot easier. You can surrender to the vulnerability that allows you to surrender to life and the other person. However, it doesn't make it less vulnerable. It doesn't make it less uncomfortable. And one of the other things, too, I realized when talking about this is that this was something that women craved, even though they necessarily didn't say it. But when they heard it, they're like, oh, that sounds wonderful. But men are like, uh, no thanks. Uh I am not vulnerable. I'm a you know a strong, powerful man. Uh I do not want to be penetrated, nor do I want to surrender to anybody or anything. And so there was a lot of figuring out and exploring, well, wait a minute. I I think men really need this as well, too. So what's going on here? And I started to talk about and having the idea of being penetrable. And immediately, especially around the topics of sex, there's one or two images that would come into a man's mind. And neither of them are particularly interesting uh or desirable for most men, and also for I think a majority of men are very um it creates them, uh it creates a an energy of pushing away. They it's there's this homophobic thing that comes in. And so I found that a willingness to go there, not literally, but internally, of all right, well, how can you be emotionally penetrated? How do you allow your partner, the world, people around you, to penetrate through your armory and allow you to relax and be held. And I speak with a lot of men who who when I start talking this way, when I change it from more of it sounding like a gay thing and more of it to you know, wouldn't it be nice if you could just those moments where you rest your head on your woman's lap or her breast, and she just touches your face and your hair and holds you. Not in a creepy way, not in a codependent way, but in a truly beautiful, feminine, loving, cherishing way. Most healthy men say, that's amazing.

SPEAKER_01: 10:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 10:16

To be respected, to be adored, to be cherished, to be appreciated. Those are things that men crave. Uh, and so in order to have those, you have to be open to them. You have to have a way, you have to be penetrable, you have to be able to let that love into you. You have to be able to surrender all of the armoring and vigilance to danger and rejection to be able to let that in. And so when you can do that, not only in the bedroom, but in your life, uh, you become permeable. A lot more stuff is accessible to you. You're able to connect and feel through the world in a very powerful way. And that is a way that women respond incredibly to. You can be a really powerful leader in the world and in the bedroom when you show up in a way that demonstrates that you have empathy, that you can feel, that you can allow everything of her in without taking it personally, making her wrong, giving it meaning, and holding space for her. And also being with someone that can do the same uh for you. And a w in a and a willingness to let them do that for you.

SPEAKER_01: 11:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 11:33

Rather than fight it.

unknown: 11:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 11:35

Yeah. I was I wasn't sure if I was gonna share this, but I just had a weekend like that with someone. Like it was exactly as you're describing, and it was blissful for both of us. Yeah. It was like our the best, you know, best time ever.

unknown: 11:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 11:49

So so why yeah, so why was why do you find that the best time ever?

SPEAKER_01: 11:53

I mean, we just like you said, we just got each other and were vulnerable and let each other in, and you know, we said we were gonna do it like emotionally, physically, all the things. And yeah, it was, I mean, it's amazing. Yeah. Yeah. So I I'm guys, if you haven't done this, for sure. Like it like you said, women definitely love it. And when a man is willing to do it with you, yeah. You're seen and heard and all the things that women want to be.

SPEAKER_00: 12:20

Yeah, and it's interesting because uh there's a lot of guys that ha have an aversion to that. And I think one of the reasons, too, is because they've had experiences with women uh who have been out of touch with their emotions and have been hysterical and have been creating drama and chaos and perhaps overreacting and these kind of things. And so I'm not saying every woman does that when they're emotional. I'm saying they've had experiences, maybe growing up, uh siblings, sisters, a mother, uh friends, and they see that and they're like, that isn't logical, that doesn't make sense. You know, men are traditionally a bit more left-brained in that thinking, like that doesn't make sense. And then we also have a culture of men who are just, you know, suck it up, tough it up, don't show and express anything. And so when they hold that space for themselves or a woman, it just goes against all of these things. And it's really important to be able to start cultivating the ability to feel and discern between when someone's being hysterical and they're just creating drama and it's a manipulation and it's just chaos in a very unhealthy, uh abusive, or codependent way, versus someone that is opening up, they're telling the truth, they're expressing themselves, uh, they're feeling something, perhaps they're in pain, perhaps uh they have concerns, uh, perhaps they have needs. And being able to discern the difference is a really good start in not just dismissing it altogether.

SPEAKER_01: 14:04

Yeah, actually, um I read in the book, if it's hysterical, it's historical. Meaning if if you're being hysterical, something happened in your past is like that triggered you. So, like like you said, discerning which one it is, if they're if it's something from that that they're taking into the next into this relationship. Yeah, you can forgive it or understand it a little more if you understand it's coming from something like that. But yeah. As usual, I agree with what you're saying again. And I know you're you're starting to talk about the differences between men and women. Do you wanna is this a good time to move to the polarity thing, or do you have more to say?

SPEAKER_00: 14:39

Yeah, so understanding that so we're we're gonna be speaking in archetypes here. Uh, and this world is in chaos right now about men and women and masculinity and femininity, and it's just the craziest thing I've ever seen. So what I'm gonna be speaking to are archetypes. Um, and you can argue about what men, women are, should be, shouldn't it be, whatever that is. You know, that's that's your life, that's your prerogative. What I'm gonna be speaking to are archetypes. And uh you you don't have permission to change the archetypes. That's what the archetypes are. They go beyond our projections, they go beyond our cultural uh ideas, they go beyond our ideals of what we think things should be. So these are the archetype symbolic ways of understanding. Uh and if it's still too triggering, just think of it as yin and yang. Um, that's that's a lot less charging for uh our American culture than masculine and feminine. Yeah. Uh because there's masculine and feminine energies in everything. It's just how I learned it. You could just say yin and yang, um, or opposites, or you know, however you want to call it. I'm gonna say masculine and feminine because that's what we're doing here. So the archetype of the feminine is a vessel, it is receptive, it is an opening energy, it receives. The archetype uh of the masculine is a direct line, it is a penetrative energy, it goes forward and penetrates. This is really obvious if you just look at male and females having sex. If you just look at the sexual organs, that's self-evident. And so that not only applies literally, but it also applies, let's say, energetically, symbolically, um, practically in our life. And so you can imagine when I say things like allow yourself to be penetrated to men, they're like, what? Because they're the penetrative energy. And when I say this to women, they're like, oh yes. And so the important thing to understand is that men and women aren't just a single pole. Now, when they're having sex, going further into those polarity extremes creates a much more passionate, exciting, fulfilling dynamic. Whereas outside of the bedroom, mostly, again, this is just kind of stereotyping it here, just to have a sane conversation, we we are made up of both, right? If you look at the yin and yang symbol, the there's a a white uh fish swimming and a black fish, you know, the two sides. But also within the black, there's a white circle, and within the white, there's a black circle, or in the black, there's the white circle, whatever I just said. And so the the poles also contain part of their opposite poles. And it shows that these masculine-feminine dynamics and energies are inseparable, they're part of each other. And so you you can be whatever configuration of this you are in your body, however you want to be. Um but when you're living your life, you can think of it also in another way of right brain and left brain. Now, maybe science says something a little different these days, but traditionally the idea is the right brain is the more feminine, intuitive, creative, uh, nonlinear, and the left brain is the rational, masculine, linear, um, logical way of being. Whether that's scientifically accurate, doesn't matter. It tells you a good enough idea of the concepts. So if you think of it that way, if you're stuck in one of those hemispheres, in one of those ways of being, the other one probably isn't going to be something that you you want for yourself because you're trapped and stuck in it. But think about almost being ambidextrous. What if you could go through the world and not only do everything with one hand and with one hemisphere and way of thinking? What if you could use both? What if you could move through life with creativity and intuition and feeling and thinking and logic and reason rather than having a war between the two, right? Uh, engineer versus designer. You see, in most organizations and with most people, they don't understand each other. They're um they're they're at war. And so you see this in life as well, too, in in our cultures, the battle of the sexes. It's men versus women. And this is the Like some cutesy thing that our society is doing that is not cute at all. It translates and trickles down into our society and relationships. And there becomes this adversarial energy. And so what I invite my clients and readers and myself to do is to integrate both of those. You can learn intuition, feeling, and be in this creative space as a powerful, strong, dominant masculine man. That is actually amazing. And you can also be a uh a feminine flowing woman who learns uh how to engineer and uh linearly, logically, you know, solve problems like that way. Again, archetypically here, uh these aren't judgments of of men or women or what they're capable of. The invitation is to get into relationship with the uh polarity that you're not in relationship with. And so we'll we are full circling here. This kind of sounds like a tangent, but this is all gonna make sense right now. So if you start to get into relationship with the other aspect of life, well, you're also gonna be able to relate to the opposite sex better. So if you're a man who rejects his femininity or anything like that in himself, you're gonna really struggle in understanding and holding space and relating to women who are in their feminine. You may actually attract one because it's so polarized, but they're probably gonna drive you crazy. And so you have those relationships where like we hate each other, we drive each other crazy, but we love each other, and it's really passionate. Uh so it's it may be passionate, but there's this dysfunction. Likewise, with women, it's not about women becoming more masculine, but it's about getting in relationship with those masculine qualities. Um and so as they do that, they can better relate to men. They can have more empathy and understanding. Oh, okay. And so as you do that, you start to cultivate your ability to um to access both of these qualities. And so getting into maybe a little bit more of the spiritual work, if if you can imagine, you see this on the medical symbol, uh Hermes staff, uh, I forgot what it's called, um, but it's the two snakes that are crossing each other. And in some cultures, they call it kundalini, um, whatever however you want to refer to it, it's it's the intertwining of these principles, of this yin and yang of this masculine feminine, and they unite at the top. And so we want that in our relationships, but we also want that within ourselves. So it's not about a rejection of the masculine feminine in ourselves, and we become androgynous, neutered, right? We don't know if we're a man or a woman or we're out of relationship with all of it. What we're doing is the opposite. We're actualizing the masculine, we're actualizing the feminine, and so we become the androgyne archetype. It's the full realization and actualization of both the left brain and right brain in one person. And so when you bring that into a relationship, two people bring that in, uh, there is uh very, very, very high levels of functionality uh because you're you're able to relate to both. It doesn't mean that men become feminized and women become masculinized. It's about a relationship to these qualities and polarities. And so bringing that into the bedroom when you can understand and relate to these, uh your relationships just become supercharged because you're able to meet and ask for your needs uh in very, very um easy and potent ways.

SPEAKER_01: 24:28

Yeah, I mean, that's like everyone's goal or like ideals. Yeah, it's just getting there, like you said. Yeah, do you want to talk more about like that aspect of it, the actual pleasuring part?

SPEAKER_00: 24:39

Or yeah, so if if yeah, so right? Okay, so this this sounds great, but probably a little um theoretical, right? Okay, sure, energies, all right, dude. Um or even like, oh, energies, that sounds interesting. How is this practical? Because everything I do, I want to bring it back to something that's applicable, applicable, and practical. There's so much woo-woo stuff and so much esoteric things out there that may be interesting, but what does this actually mean? How does this actually improve our life? Okay, well, understanding intimacy, right? So we talked about intimacy, and then we talked about the masculine feminine polarities. Well, all right, so understanding these masculine and feminine polarities, that let's say one is more receptive and the other's penetrative, well, you can see how our conversation about being penetrable and see looking in and being able to be seen in applies to intimacy. And then you can also see where the sticking points for perhaps either side is. All right, well, how does a man relate to intimacy and being penetrated, or being penetrable and showing up for his partner to do that? It's probably easier for him to penetrate his woman, his women, his woman, through that uh perhaps storm. Uh, whereas him allowing himself to be penetrated through his stuff, maybe that were that is where his challenge will be. And then the vice versa for a woman. Again, stereotypes here. This isn't uh true every single instance across the board. I'm just speaking in these generalities so you can understand the concepts. So, all right, well, when you're in the bedroom, when you're actually pleasuring a woman or your man or whoever it is, your partner, understanding these principles allows you to do that in a much more powerful way. So if you're a man and you've gotten into relationship and understanding of what more of the feminine is, and if you're a woman and you get into more relationship of what the masculine is, you're gonna have a much easier time understanding what turns on your partner and what gets them going. Because what's gonna turn on the masculine is different in some ways than the feminine. So for example, I think a really, really applicable way is through uh sexual communication, erotic talk. Um, some people call it dirty talk. I kind of sometimes we'll use that because there's a taboo there, but it's not necessarily dirty. Um it's it's it can be a very almost ironically or paradoxically a very wholesome thing uh to dirty talk in a loving, respectful kind of way, because it's satisfying your partner, which is something that I've I had to learn is that, oh, wait a minute. Dirty talking to a woman uh with respect and love and trust and safety and a desire to turn her on is actually respecting her and treating her well, even though the words may sound uh not like that. And so that was one of the big things I learned. But understanding these polarities when you're having this uh erotic communication really supercharges it. Um because to a man, you wouldn't say, uh I can't wait to be inside of you, right? And to uh a woman uh you wouldn't say okay, let's I just I just scrambled my own brain here because I'm I'm only used to talking to women. Um let let's just speak it traditionally. So so the man is gonna be the penetrative. So he will he will want to be inside the woman, and the woman will want him to be inside of her. And so, well, well, that's it there. If and if you reverse those two, uh, it feels really weird. It it just doesn't work. Um and uh so if we think about some principles of traditional masculine energy, we're gonna think strong. Um there's a groundedness. Uh let's skip the generic ones and go to the sexual ones. All right. Well, you have hard, um big, um strong, powerful, uh dominant, right? And if feminine, right, you have more surrendering, submissive, receptive, soft, uh, allowing, yielding, um, tender, uh, you get the idea. Yeah and so these are these are descriptions of this yin and yang polarity. When you can use this languaging in understanding, your ability to arouse the your partner just supercharges. Because as I just gave the example, it's like you wouldn't want to say to a man, all right, well, you're you know, you're soft, small, you know, that doesn't do the same thing as you're big and hard. Um, and with women, you know, vice versa. You wouldn't want to say you're you're giant and you know, things like this. You can see very easily, um, just don't cross over in the same erotic way. So this understanding can really be practical when you apply it to communication, and you also just look at the physical actions. Like, okay, well, this is this and that. And then that understanding, if you want to take the physical actions and explore a reversal of them, for some people, maybe it's kinky or whatever. But if you say, okay, well, traditionally it's this role, well, what happens if we find a way, uh, you know, safely and um appropriately to reverse those? Maybe it's not physical, maybe it's intimate. Uh the maybe as a man you're physically penetrating a woman, but you allow her to emotionally penetrate you while you're doing that. Now that's amazing. And for a woman to be able to be inside a man emotionally while he's inside of her physically, I mean, now we're talking, you know, men say this to any healthy, uh, aware woman, and she's gonna start getting googly-eyed. That's you know, that's kind of what we're going for. So understanding these concepts of intimacy and polarity uh really uh really apply in real life.

SPEAKER_01: 31:56

Yeah, yeah, I can see that.

SPEAKER_00: 31:58

We're at the end.

SPEAKER_01: 31:59

Yeah, well, I was gonna say I wanted to give you time. And if we have more to say, we can. Like I've gone longer, but I also want to give you time to let people know how to reach you and your book and all the things you're doing and the website.

SPEAKER_00: 32:12

Yeah, thank you very much. So a lot of the sexuality work I started, gosh, maybe about 10 years ago. And so my primary teachings have become uh through that journey more around transformation and healing. Because I realized, I realized on my journey of trying to learn all the tactics and the theory and the techniques to satisfy a woman, to have love, to have intimacy, um, or even just to be able to talk to women, that journey ultimately led me to healing. And a lot of people don't think they need healing or therapy or transformation around this stuff. But you, well, most women would believe it, but a lot of people wouldn't necessarily believe how much sexual trauma, especially women and even men, have had. Beyond that, there's all of these other things completely unrelated to sexual trauma that affect us. You know, we perhaps just didn't learn certain things. We didn't get our needs met. Our parents may have been narcissistic. Uh, all of these things. I mean, there is just thousands of potential things that have happened in our life that, if left unresolved, are going to get in the way of our relationships and our intimacy. And this, I realized, has it really the ultimate thing. Like, techniques for pleasuring your partner are the least essential. What I mean by that is that they are essential. If you could be the most loving guy in the world, but if you don't know actually how to touch a woman to bring her to orgasm, she's gonna love you, but there's still gonna be something missing. So you actually do have to do that. But on the scale of everything, such as developing your character, understanding these certain qualities, having the right values, and doing the healing, it is at the bottom of that. Because you could be really good at that and maybe be great at one night stands, but when it actually comes to have a deep, fulfilling relationship and a sexual union, uh, it's just all that stuff's gonna get in the way. And so I realized that healing and transmutation and transformation of ourselves actually brings the best results, the biggest bang for your buck. And because that's what happened for myself. I realized I was trying to learn how to be more confident, um, how to be more uh love uh lovable to not be rejected. And I was learning all of these strategies and ideas, and they worked like five five steps, which was great. It was like, oh my God, I can actually change something. But I was still doing things, it still had a limit. It wasn't until I realized, oh, the reason I'm not confident isn't because I haven't learned the confidence strategy. It's because I have all this pain and insecurity and fear, and I've been hurt and I feel ashamed and pathetic. Oh. Oh, and my needs aren't met. Oh, and I can't speak my voice, and I'm, oh, this is much more of the reason why I'm not confident in the world. And so very quickly, um, throughout my teaching career, I've transitioned into this transformational space, into this healing space. And so I do work uh with sexuality because it's a huge part of our life. Um, but my work is a bit more generalized now into complete life transformation and healing. And so I do a process called sinusomatics, which is an embodiment-based healing transformational approach. And uh my book, uh Awaken to Your True Self, there's not a lot of talk about sex in the book, but almost all of it can be applied to sex in your relationships. Uh asking, you know, boundaries, your needs, telling the truth, um, not being a victim, uh not being narcissistic, uh, making your life about other people, um, understanding perception and projection, uh understanding all of this stuff can directly transform your relationships and your sex life, as it has for hundreds of my clients. So this is uh where I'm at now in my teachings. Um and so if people are interested in that healing, in that life-transformative uh approach that goes beyond your traditional self-help and personal development, that is much more advanced, then they can check out my book, Awaken to Your True Self, or find me and my work at andrewdaniel.org.

SPEAKER_01: 37:41

Yeah, I mean, it makes me want to pick up the book for sure. Good website. I did see your website already, but yeah, definitely check out the book as well. Um yeah, I think this is gonna be really helpful information for a lot of people out there that just, you know, ever at surface level, not finding people. So like it touches on a lot of a lot of things going on in the world right now. All right, well, if there's any last things, or I think that's like a good stopping point. But um, if you want to like, I don't know, up to you. If you want to leave it like a final show.

SPEAKER_00: 38:13

Thank you so much. Yeah, no, that's it. I appreciate it.

SPEAKER_01: 38:15

Okay, yeah. Yeah, it was awesome. Thank you very much. And if you love this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well. All right, thank you, everyone. Again, Andrew.

SPEAKER_00: 38:24

Yep, thank you. Frank talk! Frank Salk! Sex and dating educates.