Imagine a world where you could decode the age-old mysteries of relationships and understand your partner in a profound way. That's precisely the transformative journey our guest, Harmony, and I embarked on, as we dissected the powerful insights from the book ‘Queen’s Code' and the enriching Sterling Men and Womens programs. This episode promises a deep dive into the complex world of gender dynamics, self-acceptance, and relationship commitment. You'll hear about Harmony's personal journey with Queen's Code and how it helped shift her perspective, empowering her to see her husband as a man, not a 'big hairy girlfriend'.
As we navigate through the intriguing waters of communication differences between men and women, we spotlight the evolution of men's roles and the art of managing relationships. Harmony and I break down the why and how of providing love, approval, and appreciation to our partners and embracing our responsibility towards cultivating a flourishing relationship. We also underline the significance of strong female friendships for maintaining accountability in relationships and steering clear of a competitive mindset with your partner. Get ready to rethink, refresh, and revitalize your relationships with the wisdom of Queen's Code and the Sterling program. A whole new world of understanding awaits you.
Imagine a world where you could decode the age-old mysteries of relationships and understand your partner in a profound way. That's precisely the transformative journey our guest, Harmony, and I embarked on, as we dissected the powerful insights from the book ‘Queen’s Code' and the enriching Sterling Men and Womens programs. This episode promises a deep dive into the complex world of gender dynamics, self-acceptance, and relationship commitment. You'll hear about Harmony's personal journey with Queen's Code and how it helped shift her perspective, empowering her to see her husband as a man, not a 'big hairy girlfriend'.
As we navigate through the intriguing waters of communication differences between men and women, we spotlight the evolution of men's roles and the art of managing relationships. Harmony and I break down the why and how of providing love, approval, and appreciation to our partners and embracing our responsibility towards cultivating a flourishing relationship. We also underline the significance of strong female friendships for maintaining accountability in relationships and steering clear of a competitive mindset with your partner. Get ready to rethink, refresh, and revitalize your relationships with the wisdom of Queen's Code and the Sterling program. A whole new world of understanding awaits you.
Mouth podcast, frank talk about sex and dating. Hello everyone, tamara here, welcome to the show. Today's guest is Harmony, and we'll be talking about the book and way of life that is Queen's Code, as well as Sterling Men and Women. If you like this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well. Thanks for joining me today, harmony.
Speaker 1:
Well, hey, how are you? It's been so good. It's so good to see you again. You're just like smashing. You look beautiful. It's just such an honor to be here, thank you.
Speaker 2:
Well, thank you. Same to you. Yeah, all right. Well, i usually just jump right in, so why don't we get started with why this is like resonates, or why you like talking about this?
Speaker 1:
So Queen's Code for me you know, this is where I really started about 10 years ago. Queen's Code by Allison Armstrong I cannot take any credit for her work and she's just amazing. She comes out of Landmark, which I'm sure you've talked a lot about Landmark before, so just amazing what comes out of there. And she's really committed to relationships that work and talking about it from a female perspective. Like there's tons of books out there Oh, how to please a woman, how to, what do women want? all this stuff But there's nothing. There's nothing for us to talk about. Men, like where's our manual for men? Where's the conversation about what do men want and how they are? And I really started reading Queen's Code by husband her, her Allison Armstrong podcast and was really fired up And of course, my first thought was who, who, who is this woman to get my husband?
Speaker 2:
You know what I mean. Like I don't think I'm ever jealous, just like wait a minute, you know.
Speaker 1:
So I kind of went into a very pessimistic, like, and I read her book and just was totally excited. I'm like, oh, i wish I had this, you know, from the beginning of our relationship. And really what Queen's Code has done is just really helped me to have a relationship with my husband that I've always wanted. You know, i get to be there for my husband, i get to be, you know, the one beneath his wings, and that happens because it's a different way of treating him And, as you and I have talked about before, i just stopped really treating him like my big hairy girlfriend and started treating him like a man. And that's what really Queen's Code is all about is really recognizing how we really end up as women, treating our husbands like girls And we expect them to act like women. We expect them to respond like women, and not just women, but the perfect woman, right.
Speaker 1:
And so Alison Armstrong really talks about the perfect woman and how we do that to ourselves, you know.
Speaker 1:
And then just this progression of reading that and then going on to Sterling, where they take it a little bit deeper, it's like huh, why am I treating myself like I have to be the perfect woman and expecting my husband to be the perfect woman? because of lack of self acceptance, right. And learning how to have that self acceptance and love, approve and appreciate myself such that I'm not needy or desperate for that from my husband, right. And so it's all these conversations that really are there to empower us to be these really strong goddesses that just show up in life that are just glowing and enrolling and registering my husband on a daily basis to love and adore me. And it's just been and it's fun, it's totally fun, right. So it's just been fantastic. It's got all these little tips and tricks in there how to listen, how to love, how to be, and it's like when I, the more of a woman that I am, the more of a man that he is, yeah.
Speaker 2:
I like it. I like that you emphasize that part because it's a benefit for men to know of this, you know, if there's issues for them with their woman. But it's also not like women being demeaned and the man's in charge. You know, the nicer, the more you react to a man as a man, the more caring and providing they are for you. So a lot of younger women see this as like oh, trying to be like old school where the man's in charge of everything And it's. I try to explain that it's. It's not like that at all And how would you explain that differently?
Speaker 1:
Like we're What's funny is that they all want the man to provide right. They want them to bring home the bacon, but they don't want to be the woman that is there accepting the bacon right Isn't that an interesting oxymoron? And so it's like we're not allowing your husband to be your provider and your protector actually encourages him to be a strong masculine figure, but yet, on the other hand, we're taught to be afraid of that even from a young age, and Sterling was really good about teaching this and really kind of driving this home. I didn't get it until they really said it. We're taught men are bad, men are horrible, men will hurt you men. then you know all these negative things and then, oh, you're great, you're 18, 19, 20, 21,. you don't have a man, yet what's wrong?
Speaker 2:
with you.
Speaker 1:
Well, you just told me all my life that they were all. I'm terrified of them, right, i'm just terrified. And so really it goes back to this conversation self-acceptance and learning how to communicate with men in such a way that works, because they're not girlfriends, they're not women, you know, and so when we do that, we learn how to vet like right. So how many times have we is it really the man's fault that we went into a relationship that probably wasn't good for us, because we made all these excuses, we didn't accept them for their terms. We just said, oh, oh, okay, well, that's cute, right, and it's like the things that we thought were cute or tolerable. In two, three, ten years we are just disgusted and appalled by right, we're just so, so upset. So, men, if you look at that, how you meet them is how they're going to be probably in ten, twenty years. They're not going to change much. It's us that have the expectations of the change, it's us that change. It's us that do this, and we're supposed to, because we're 100% responsible for the relationship. That's our job, right, and we'll talk about that in a minute, because women get really upset about that. Oh, it's supposed to be 50-50. No, it's not. It's our job to be 100% to manage the relationship.
Speaker 1:
And so, going back to vetting, you know we get to learn how to vet by our self-acceptance and self-love. So my husband, for example, is very adventurous, he's very playful, he's very extreme sports And at first I just thought that that was just so exciting and thrilling. And then I went through this period called menopause. Well, i didn't think that that was so exciting and thrilling anymore, right, and I had to remember that's what I really loved about him. And you know, there was kind of a little bit of like maybe we shouldn't do that, maybe you know, kind of trying to change him. And I really got hey, he's still like that 22 years later. Right, i'm the one going through menopause, and so it's really recognizing who men are and what we're attracted to.
Speaker 1:
Everybody's different, of course, right, some people might not find that exciting. I do, right, and coming to terms with that and going these are his terms. And can I live with that? But only through us believing and having our women's groups and having these conversations, like you and I have had and with our other groups, where we talk as women amongst each other And we get to talk like women, we don't have to talk to a different way. We can have five conversations happening at the same time. We can have 20 questions on the table and in an hour, or probably, resolve all those right With a man, that's not how it works, You know.
Speaker 1:
and women, if they really look at how do they communicate with their men, they can see coming at them with a brage of attitude or a brage of questions or a litany of chores and to-dos. I haven't found that to particularly work. How about you?
Speaker 2:
Yeah, yeah, definitely. They do emphasize that, like we are used, and then, well, my thing is interrupting, so they're starting to answer question. They're taking longer than it takes in my mind, you know, because we think they should be able to answer quickly. So I interrupt and then they have to rethink or restart their thoughts and then it takes even longer, and that's definitely one of the things they bring up. I did want to mention, too, when you said that we think they're like women, and we think they're like women and then we also get mad at them for being Like the wrong kind of woman. So I want to just emphasize that it's our expectation that they should be like us, and when they're not like us, we get mad at them. I think that's a big takeaway as well.
Speaker 1:
Oh, it's huge. I mean it's huge. And once you get that your man is a man and I'm a woman and just accept that there's different roles, there's different ways of being, it really kind of cleans up a lot. right, and at the end of the day, nobody. if we have masculine or men, we castrated men. they become weaker and weaker, and no good woman wants a weak man. But, like Alison Armstrong talks about, are you a frog farmer? You know, are you frog farming? And it's interesting, i can share this with you.
Speaker 1:
I just discovered another way that I was castrating my husband. Even 10 years after doing reading Queen's Code on a regular basis, i took the Sterling class and part of what they really talked about was that you have to believe 100% in your husband, and that's what my husband was like. Oh, oh, my right. That was like I'd be like how about 99%? How about like just a little bit of percentage off, no, 100%. And so I really took that on, like okay, okay, i'm gonna do this.
Speaker 1:
And what showed up was how I'm still trying to manage him, like I'm still trying and not manage the relationship. I'm trying to manage him. Oh, something comes up and I come in. Well, this is what you should do. Why aren't you doing it this way, Right? So what I'm doing is I'm treating him as a child, or I'm treating him less than, or I'm not treating him as the partner that he is, because I'm telling him what, i'm talking down to him, right, like, really, i'm saying why aren't you a dumbass And why aren't you doing it my way, like a girl would, or a woman, would You see how that keeps showing back up, right? And it was really fascinating.
Speaker 1:
And I actually had to go to him and I said or I didn't have to, i chose to go to him and I said you know, i really apologize, i'm still castrating you. And I explained. I said this shows an, particularly in business. you know, we run the companies together and it was like, hmm, i'm still doing that And when I do that, would you please, you know, just say, you know, try not to get triggered. I appreciate that you do, but if you could just say hey, would you mind rephrasing that?
Speaker 1:
I'll remember that that really wasn't the direct approach And I can say something different, like gosh, you know, i was really thinking about that And you know I was curious. what do you think would be a good approach to that. You know, i was really interested. you know, here's this problem. what were you thinking? You know? so now, instead of telling him what to do and treating him like a child, now I'm engaging in a conversation that is, you know, we're on the same level, playing ground right. So I just really was just like so freed with that and so thrilled because it's like here's another level to go through my relationship, to be the one beneath his wings. He's always been the one beneath my wings, so now I get to return that in such a fashion out of respect and dignity.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, i was just gonna add that That was about respect, and that's one thing they can't stand is to be disrespected. Men generally, men want to be respected And yeah, this is. And then when you mentioned the frog farming, do you think we should talk about? it's pretty early on in the book about you know, a lot of people think you kiss a frog and turn them into princes, but she's saying the opposite that a lot of women are turning perfectly good princes into frogs by the way they treat them and the way they speak to them and stuff like that.
Speaker 1:
Absolutely, you know. And so we have these fantasies that are ahead of these fairy tales, right, and that goes back to the bedding and the self-acceptance. It's all a circular conversation, that's all connected. So I show up and I'm like, oh, here's this great guy and fantastic, i'm just gonna overlook this, i'm gonna kind of over, like this. So then you get married, right, you know, and we hear this all the time from men Well, when we were dating, she was so much fun and she let me go and hang out with my guys, and you know, it was just like this great relationship. And now I can't do anything, right, i can't do anything right, i can't do, i can't have my own life, i can't hang out with my boys, i can't. What are my men? You know something like that. You know everybody's different, of course. And then the woman nags and she's upset And it's like we have to remember they don't have the communication skills like we do And we said to them we're like what about this?
Speaker 1:
Why don't you do this? Let's talk about that. Well, they're extremely single focused, as you know, and I really discovered through the Sterling class why they're single focused.
Speaker 2:
I kind of was like I got it.
Speaker 1:
You know what I mean. But I didn't understand why. And if you think about men and the evolution of men up until the 60s, they were constantly in war, constantly, you know, constantly warring, constantly defending our rights, constantly fighting for property, constantly fighting for, you know, just to live a lot of times, you know, you go back all of history and the woman basically stayed at home, took care of the home, took care of the children, did the education, et cetera. You know, harvesting and all that stuff that's so super important. But we use communication, right, we had to learn how to have relationships with each other, we had to learn how to network, we had to learn how to negotiate.
Speaker 1:
And we forget that, right. And then man comes home and he's like oh, you want to talk? I just had to go and kill a whole bunch of people, right, i just had to go and cut down tons of trees, right, i just had to go. And, you know, deal with the mule that didn't want to plow the field, i don't, you know, they don't. They didn't get an opportunity to evolve in the communication skill sets. So once I got that, i was like, oh, that makes sense. You know, they're never going to catch up, plus they're hearts right, you know, they're just not going to catch up And that's why we're 100% responsible for managing this relationship right And it's so super important.
Speaker 1:
That's a great job. You know this is a huge responsibility. We have the third entity, the relationship. We have me, the woman, we have my husband, the man, and the third entity. That's what we're being responsible for Not managing my husband, not telling him what to do or how to do it, but believing in him 100%. So, going back to frog farming, if I'm constantly, that's not good enough. Gosh, you can't even put the dishes in the dishwasher, right. Oh my God, you're telling the same story again 100 times and it's changed again. What the you know? and it's all these castrations that we do instead of just listening. What are they trying to say when they change that story? What part are they actually being vulnerable for? and maybe sharing a part they never shared before because they feel comfortable and trusting?
Speaker 1:
Or maybe you know they, they're they, maybe they aren't good at stacking dishes in the dishwasher, who cares? What's the big deal, right? Or a lot of the argument you didn't pick up the socks. How can you just walk over the socks all the time? Because they're single focus, right? You know they've been doing a different job than we have. They're always looking out here. We're always looking here. That's why our job is so important.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, and when you say 100%, we're 100% responsible. We're not saying we have to do all the housework and all this stuff. The more you care for a man, the way he needs to be cared for, the more he will actually help out. So, if you want to talk to that at all or you can basically just say, yeah, you're right.
Speaker 1:
Absolutely, And it's like the more loving one of Anne needs is love, love, approval and appreciation, just like we do. And then the other thing that we do is we have girls say all the time well, he needs to do that first. Well, don't hold your breath. You know, at the end of the day they come from a different environment. Their evolution of their cell, of themselves as a male species is different from us as a female species. Right, We've had the time to nurture and develop and communicate, exact and learn how to do these things. Like I said, they're trying to catch up And so it's like, but the more loving I am, the more proving I am, the more appreciative. Thank you, baby. I just love that. That's just wonderful. Oh, thank you. You know, in my cute little girl's voice he's like oh my God, let me do that again Oh my God, let me do that again.
Speaker 1:
And it's just amazing And, to be honest, i was just shocked at the simplicity of it. I mean, just one day I accidentally slipped with my husband. I went this really works. He's like, babe, i love it, love it, don't stop Right. So it instead of frog farming and castrating, just appreciating and loving everything that he does bring to the table.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, and looking for the good helps too, i'm sure, yeah. So do you want to talk more about sterling or just like how? like how it's related and or what you get out of the programs, or sterling?
Speaker 1:
I mean. So, first of all, my personal opinion only my, my, my. I think that to step into sterling is a very intense class. It's very shocking for women. You know, you've got a lot of women first of all that go into that environment and they don't have girlfriends, they don't know how to have female friends. You know, you and I do, we have a really good, strong female group. We have females in our life that are mentors, you know I, you know a lot of women nowadays. They have all these guy friends, right, that they think don't want to have sex with them, which is just ludicrous, right, of course. So, and they, they pretend, and really it's just the setup to protect themselves, right, and they're not acknowledging that, oh, i'm safe because I've got this, i've got this backstage people of men that I call my friends, right, just in case something doesn't work out here or I can go and complain, or something like that. Whereas if you have really good girlfriends, really good women friends, they're going to hold you accountable to your commitment, to your family, to your partner, to yourself, you know, and so that's a really big missing, and so I really recommend getting some really good girlfriends in your life, trying to find some sterling women, find some Queens Code women. There's lots of groups, there's Facebook pages, etc. Get the book Queens Code, read it. I think that Queens Code is more like the how to manual.
Speaker 1:
Sterling is the actual concepts and their big concepts. I mean that's huge. I'm 100% responsible for managing the relationship. Who knew 22 years later, right, but I get it because of Queens Code and, of course, landmark. Landmark. It teaches us, you know, empty, meaningless, and when am I going to fill that up with right? I'm going to fill that up with love and appreciation for what he does do versus cast rating what he doesn't, right. So it's, it's. It's those kind of foundations that I think are really important to make it the. You get the most bang for your buck, right. Sterling will absolutely help you to understand if you're dating like I. This was one of those things You know. You don't have really regrets. I was like that would have been super nice to have when I was young, right, and it's something more like We're all going to have hard day.
Speaker 2:
We're all going to.
Speaker 1:
You know, things just happen but I don't have to have catastrophe right in my life, i don't have to have dramatic events in my life if I'm betting properly, if I'm listening honestly to what his terms are and who he is and not ignoring it and go oh well, you know, and nobody really says in their head anymore oh, when we get married it'll change, because we know better, but we still live it that way, right, we still show up that way. Whereas Sterling provides you with the big, deeper concepts that I think are critical to a loving and fulfilling relationship. Whereas Queen's Code kind of gives you okay, i have to count to 30 while I'm waiting for him to answer the first question. Right, i would have known that and I have counted. You know a lot, okay, and it works right. Whereas Sterling is more esoteric sometimes, or more what are the concepts that rule or dominate a loving and fulfilling, successful relationship? But once again, i still go back to the best thing I'm.
Speaker 1:
Sterling is the women's group, is the women, and the class is afterwards, where you meet on a weekly basis and hold each other accountable. You know what am I going to work on? Believing in my husband 100%. My group holds me accountable And that you know, sometimes I just as an extra flair that helps it. I might not want to, but I don't want to go back to classics. We can be like, yeah, i didn't do that right And so it's really nice.
Speaker 2:
Are there other examples where you've either either from the book, like tips that might be helpful, or things that people have done that you know that, like oh, once they did that, they found this and had this big breakthrough Anything you can think of like that or Well, i just think that it's overall, really the commitment.
Speaker 1:
Like I thought I was committed to our relationship And I wasn't, because I wasn't studying how to be a good wife, i wasn't studying how to understand men. You know we go in, i mean, we work out at the gym. You know I work out at the gym, i'm a naturopathic doctor, i take super good care of myself, i take super good care of my husband. I do a lot of things, right, you know. But I wasn't making the relationship a new number one priority. Remember the third entity. You know I can take care of him, i can take care of me, but that's not taking care of the relationship And it's like. I think, like what you said, you know, is very important to recognize and acknowledge. This is not about being dominated, but it's not about being equal partners either, because there's just he's different, i'm different, men and women are different, so it's just going to show up differently, right. Trying to make it 50-50 doesn't work either, because we're too different, right. And so, accepting our men and knowing that what I bring to the table, it almost becomes a competition. And women, we do this all the time. That was the other thing I saw with all these women in Sterling, or that we're taking Sterling, not the Sterling women. They want to compete on a regular basis with their men. Stop, this is not a competition. So what if he cooks better or cleans better, or so what if he can run faster? So what? yay, that's my husband. Isn't he so awesome, right? What's so hard about that? giving a compliment? That's the other thing that they talk about a lot, both Queenscoat and Sterling.
Speaker 1:
Where are you dating? Where are you flirting? You know, the one thing I have to say my husband just does a fantastic job of is I'm still his girlfriend 22 years later. I'm still being courted, i'm still being dated and Boy. That just brings a lot of fun to the table and I think that, yes, that is a masculine role.
Speaker 1:
The more flirty he is, the more I feel that I can be Vultable, sexy, give of myself, etc. And that makes a big difference, right, because he's getting what he needs and I'm getting what I need. So there's just it's just so much Chalk full of great information, and it's not just information. Now I'm 100% committed to my relationship Because I am studying, I am talking about it, i am being a big sister to other women, i'm constantly in the conversation of how can I be the best woman, wife, possible for my husband, and the more I do that It's. It is so cool to see your husband blossom and grow and Just know that you're a part of that. It's just. It is the grandest feeling. It is. It is so fulfilling, it is just such a blessing. So those are the things that I would really emphasize of what you would get out of Having those conversations and making your relationship your 100% priority.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, the only thing I'd add to that is, when you mentioned feeling sexy, it just reminded me of the pumpkin hours, just just like one thing, where you kind of agree together or talk about like when you will or won't, when you're Like certain hours where you're just too darn tired, so if he tries to have sex with you you're not you're gonna say no. So he might as well. Just let him know like between these hours, like you probably shouldn't bother because it's like I'm just really need my sleep and I'm not like whatever. That just reminded me of one like kind of tip, like an example of a tip in there, but and it goes in, hours very important for both.
Speaker 1:
You know Your husband comes home if your mom that stays at home or wife that stays at home, and you know you're stuck at home all day with you know ex about a kids, i get it. You're like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, he needs pumpkin hour, he's got to transition And vice versa. You know the wife comes home or whatever it is, you need that pumpkin hour. And yes, there is a fine line that I would like to just put on the table. There is a fine line between hey, babe, i'm super tired now it's not the time, or something like that.
Speaker 1:
You know, like in the Queen's Code book, friday night didn't work for her right for the main character. Saturday I was a much better because she had time during Saturday to take a bath, to nurse herself, to work out, to do it She needed to do, to feel sexy. Right On the flip side, there's that fine line women that use sex to control and manipulate. That's the worst thing you can do. And sometimes there is times that we will have to have sex for the relationship. And it's important to know that you're not doing it for him, you're doing it for the relationship And that's where the 100% commitment comes in. That's not. I want to be very clear. We always have the right to say no, but not to use that as a tool against our men. That's horrible Yeah.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, it definitely talks a lot about that, and I know that can be an issue. We in couples, you know that's like kind of the first thing to go when there starts to be issues. So, yeah, i definitely recommend the book and we are getting close to the time where we can either have like Parting comments or you can I don't know if you want to be reachable or if it's more like we just want to get this word out and You are just the messenger and don't need to be like contacted. Whatever you want to say about that.
Speaker 1:
No, i'm always open to have conversations with women, and so that is really my commitment to the world that women have loving and fulfilling relationships. My website is wwwmyhealshopcom. My contact information is there. If somebody wants to, you know, reach out, send me an email and we'll be figure something out time-wise. But this I do believe that the more loving and fulfilling Relationships we have in the world, that it will be a much better, better place for all of us. So, yes, thank you. Thank you for all you do, tamara, and your commitment as well, to the world.
Speaker 2:
Thank you very much, and I know I obviously just give you the opportunity to share about how to reach you. Do you want to have last parting comments, or was I was just going to say I'm going to have a parting comment, or was that kind of the parting comment as well?
Speaker 1:
No, just yeah, that was it. So just here, for anyone that really is committed 100% to their relationship, that's the kind of woman I want to stand behind.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, and I will say the book is fairly short and it's. You know it's and it is. I think it's a really fun story. Like some people It might start like just give it a chance, like read the first chapter If you don't really know what's going on. Just keep going and it'll become pretty clear. And at the end of each chapter there's definitely tips and things that will just really help you understand men.
Speaker 1:
And so that website is queenscodecom. Queenscodecom super easy and it is a super easy read. It's fun. And the other sterling Institute is sterling dash Institutecom. They have a women's weekend coming up and I think October, so if anyone needs a big sister, reach out to me. Um, and I guess that's all we got. We're perfectly on time, aren't we, tamara?
Speaker 2:
Yes, all right. Well, thank you for that. Yeah, i've super, super great book and I you definitely learned a lot, as I already said once. But, uh, once again, this will be a great episode, so hope you got a lot out of it. If you did make sure to tell your friends about it and look up the different sites We talked about in the book and reach out to Harmony if you're interested, and thank you very much for being on as well. All right.
Speaker 2:
Thank you All, right Bye, thanks everyone. Frank talk, frank talk sex and dating educate.