#99 Betrayal and Forgiveness: The Path to Healing

When someone you trust deeply hurts you in a way you never expected, how do you move forward? Dr. Bruce Chalmer, couples therapist and author, joins us to unravel the complex journey from betrayal to forgiveness.

Dr. Chalmer challenges common misconceptions about forgiveness, offering a perspective that might surprise you: "Forgiveness is an inside job." Rather than focusing on whether to restore your relationship with someone who hurt you, true forgiveness is about your internal healing process. 

The conversation distinguishes between forgiveness and trust, making it clear that you can forgive someone without ever trusting them again. For those considering rebuilding trust after betrayal, Dr. Chalmer emphasizes the crucial role of accountability. Without genuine accountability from the person who caused harm, trust becomes virtually impossible to restore.

We also explore how healthy relationships require balancing two fundamental needs: stability and intimacy. Stability provides security, while intimacy fuels growth and connection. As Dr. Chalmer explains, "Roots provide stability, but intimacy is the energy for growth." When couples sacrifice intimacy for too long in pursuit of stability, the relationship becomes vulnerable to betrayal as someone inevitably tries to "crack the sidewalk."

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Betrayal and Forgiveness
• 5:45 Understanding True Forgiveness
• 9:30 The Three Steps to Forgiveness
• 17:02 Trauma and Healing After Betrayal
• 21:52 Trust vs. Forgiveness in Relationships
• 25:02 Stability and Intimacy: Keys to Healthy Relationships
• 30:37 Final Thoughts: Be Kind, Don't Panic