#109 What Are You Doing Wrong in the Bedroom?

We sit down with sex therapist Skyblu Cutchie to explore how to let pleasure lead, drop pressure, and build desire you can actually feel. We share practical tools for communication, emotional connection, and making good sex start long before the bedroom.

• common complaints couples bring to sex therapy
• person‑centered and developmental lenses in practice
• training the “what do I want” muscle outside the bedroom
• modeling touch and solo exploration as education
• spontaneous vs responsive desire and why scheduling helps
• pleasure without pressure and handling no with grace
• removing orgasm and penetration as goals
• linking emotional intimacy to sexual desire
• daily pleasure rituals to fill your cup
• clear, kind communication for better sex

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Chapters

• 0:00 Meet Skyblue And The Big Idea
• 2:10 From Passion To Sex Therapy
• 3:40 Common Couple Complaints
• 5:20 Approaches And Therapeutic Lenses
• 6:15 Building The “What Do I Want” Muscle
• 9:35 Show And Tell: Modeling Touch
• 11:32 Exploring Desire Beyond Genitals
• 13:42 Spontaneous Vs Responsive Desire
• 16:42 Stop Waiting To Be In The Mood
• 19:02 Pleasure Without Pressure
• 22:22 Letting Go Of The Orgasm Goal

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:00

Welcome to the Straight from the Source's Mouth podcast. Frank talk about sex and dating. Hello, Tamra here. Welcome to the show. Today's guest is Skyblue Kutchy, a certified relationship, intimacy, and sex therapist, and we'll be talking about life being too short for bad sex. Thanks for joining me, Sky Blue.

SPEAKER_00: 0:19

Thank you. Good to be here. Thanks for having me.

SPEAKER_01: 0:23

Yes, great topics as usual. I mean, anytime we talk about sex that are popular, but we're also talking about how to not have bad sex, so it's even better.

SPEAKER_00: 0:33

Yeah, it's an exciting topic.

SPEAKER_01: 0:35

Yeah. So what got you into it? And then a little bit about that, and then we can get started on what you're have to share.

SPEAKER_00: 0:43

Sure. Um honestly, I I've always just been really passionate about the topic of human sexuality. And I was in university um and I took a psychosexuality course for the first time, and it was just really exciting, and I loved it, and I was like, oh my gosh, I need more of this in my life. And so I just kept taking like sexuality courses when I could, and then I uh realized I wanted to be a therapist. And when I get got into grad school, I realized I could be a sex therapist, and I was like, oh my gosh, this is perfect, it's the perfect combo.

SPEAKER_01: 1:26

Yeah, and as a sex therapist, now what what are some of the biggest complaints like with between couples?

SPEAKER_00: 1:33

Do you do you coach couples or or um individuals or I do couples and individuals, and I'd say for couples, some of the biggest complaints, of course, are we want to have more sex, we want to have better sex, or one person wants this kind of sex, but the other person doesn't want that kind of sex. Um, or like people come in in conflict, like there's been uh infidelity or something like that is common.

SPEAKER_01: 2:04

Yeah, that makes sense. Those are the things you hear people talking about. And is there like a philosophy you take, or you just do individual, like as it comes? I mean, obviously you're trained in this stuff, but is there a certain lens you use to um help people?

SPEAKER_00: 2:21

Yeah, there are. Um, so when you become a therapist, like there's so many lenses you can work through, and I'm pretty eclectic, which means I have a couple favorites that I use often. Um it's called person-centered is one and the developmental model is the other. But I also like pull from a bunch of other ones if if in the moment I'm like, oh, this particular strategy would be really good for this person, I'll kind of pull that in. So I'm a little bit eclectic.

SPEAKER_01: 2:55

Yeah, it makes sense. I mean, do it what's needed for each person.

SPEAKER_00: 3:00

Exactly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 3:01

Yeah. All right. So um let's start with I guess uh individuals first. Like we talked about having bad sex. Like, is there what can people who feel like they're having bad sex like individually, what can they do for themselves if if it's not as good as they would like, or they can't ask for what they want.

SPEAKER_00: 3:19

Yeah, I think it depends on what the problem is. So, like your example was I don't know how to ask for what I want. Um, and I think that a lot of women struggle with this, and for various reasons, right? Like women aren't encouraged as much as men to get in touch with what feels good to them and how to ask for those things. Because as women, we get uh we get like what's the word? Like people kind of call us bad names if we know what we want in bed. Double standard, the double standard. So women often feel super detached from what they want in bed. So if that were the issue, I would recommend starting to ask yourself, like, what do I want outside of the bedroom first? So, like in your day-to-day life, are you in touch with what feels good to you in your body? So, for example, if like sipping your first cup of coffee or tea in the morning, are you really soaking up like how good that feels? Like the taste, the smell, like if it just excites you in the morning, like those are all things you could be absorbing and sitting with. So starting outside of the bedroom is really important, like getting in touch with what do you want and what feels good to you on a daily basis, and then you can take that into the bedroom, and then ask yourself, like, what do I want in the bedroom? How do I want to be touched? How do I want to like do I like dirty talk or not? Do I want to try this new thing or not? Like, I call it the what do I want muscle? So you gotta work it out, and it's like you're going to the gym for your what do I want muscle, and you work it outside of the bedroom, and when it gets comfortable, you bring that into the bedroom, and it's similar, but it's like less intimidating if you do it in that way.

SPEAKER_01: 5:26

Yeah, yeah, I can see that. And are you familiar with OMGS? Yeah. There's the website that because I've seen a few um a few videos lately where people talk about like you know how they learned, like one woman in particular, she was mentioning that she would wanted her boyfriend to touch her like a certain way more often, but he wasn't she felt she didn't know how to say it, so she just started like touching herself the way she liked as they were getting undressed, or so he could see it, you know, without saying anything. And she that was her approach to like do it. I don't know, it seems like a good thing. Would you agree?

SPEAKER_00: 6:01

Totally. You can yeah, you can use your words, but you can also show someone like this is how I like it. And first you got to practice with yourself, right? To be able to show somebody. So, like, what do I want muscle? Could be I'm gonna tell you or I'm gonna show you, but first you have to work it out on your own.

SPEAKER_01: 6:22

Yeah, yeah. I I've for masturbation for some reason I've always done it the same way, like on my back doing the and apparently a lot of people do it like on their stomach, which I didn't didn't even consider as a thing, and all kinds of like different techniques. So yeah, like I know OMGS does that as well, like shares that kind of stuff, but that's a really good resource, yeah. And I know um so like when it comes to masturbation and help figuring out what you like, are there is there a way to do it, or just like you said, just try stuff and or like as a sex therapist, is there's like a certain area that you know you should focus on?

SPEAKER_00: 7:00

And um, are you do you mean specifically for women?

SPEAKER_01: 7:05

Yeah, I guess for this answer. I think most men seem to do that, like you said.

SPEAKER_00: 7:10

I think um just exploring touch and like figuring out what feels good to you and where, and it doesn't just have to be like on your genitals, it could be anywhere on your body because for women, like for people, but especially women, we really gotta feel turned on in our brain first and like open and willing for intimacy and sex. Um, and for most women, going directly to the genitals, like from zero to genital, is can feel like too much or overwhelming or like it's not even pleasurable yet because your brain is not on board. So kind of exploring like different parts of your body. Um, you could like start in the shower, for example, and get relaxed, put on some music, um, touch your body in different places in different ways, and it's really just about exploration and what feels good to you.

SPEAKER_01: 8:13

Yeah, I was saying you could also start ahead of time if you know you're going to be having sex, get yourself revved up in time. I don't know if that's something you recommend, but I I could see where that would be helpful.

SPEAKER_00: 8:24

I do recommend it. Yeah, there's actually, you know, if you want to know, there's two types of desire. Um, do you want to hear about that? Yeah, yeah. So the first type of desire is called spontaneous desire. And all people experience it, but mostly men and male-bodied people. So I it's like a lighter. If you like flick on a lighter, so the brain is the thing that gets turned on first, and for spontaneous desire, if the brain sees, hears, smells, tastes, or touches something that feels good, then the brain will be like, ooh, I like that, I want more of that. That feels sexy, I'm into it, and it's kind of spontaneous. There's another kind called responsive desire, and it's not like a lighter, it's more like a campfire. So you gotta get the little kindling and the grass, and the smoke is going, and then the little sticks, and then the flame grows and grows, and so it it takes a little bit more time. So that's like you know, in the morning I'm listening to sexy music, and then in the afternoon I'm um like dancing in the kitchen, and then I put something sexy on my body, you know, that that makes me feel sexy, like silky clothes, for example. So you're kind of reving your engine, and it takes a little bit longer, but your brain starts to respond, and your brain is like, Oh, okay, now I kind of like this. Now this feels nice to me. So it takes a little bit longer to get in the mood, but there's nothing wrong with that.

SPEAKER_01: 10:10

Yeah, and I think I I read where you recommend um stop waiting to be in the mood, like cultivating desire is like one of the topics you mentioned. So, like, is that pretty much what you're saying?

SPEAKER_00: 10:22

Like, that's what I'm saying. It's gotta be more intentional. Um, there's kind of a myth that like the best sex is spontaneous sex, and I would say that's not true. Because if you think about when so let let's say we're talking to people who are in long-term relationships. If you remember when you first got together, when you were dating, like you probably knew you were gonna go on a date, like in a day or two or in a week, and you were preparing for that in some way. You were getting waxed, bottomized dress, um, you were thinking about how you were gonna do your makeup. You were, oh, you want to shave, oh, you want to make sure you smell nice, like you're doing all these like things to prepare to be close to this person, to maybe have sex with this person. Um, so it's not like boom, spontaneous out of nowhere, right? So when we're in long-term relationships, we can do the same thing. Uh, and it just kind of feels a little bit different because we we're not new in the relationship anymore.

SPEAKER_01: 11:51

Yeah, but still treating it like date night and getting all fancied up.

SPEAKER_00: 11:58

Exactly, still getting in the mood.

SPEAKER_01: 12:00

Yeah. And I know you talk about pleasure without pressure. Is that you wanna go there? Would that be helpful at this?

SPEAKER_00: 12:10

Yeah, for sure. So what I mean by that is I hear a lot of women say they feel pressured when it comes to sex in their relationship. And what I see in my practice with clients, um, coaching clients, is that there's there's different scenarios, but if uh I'm gonna just say, like, we're we're talking about a man and a woman, and the man he might want more sex than she does, and when he approaches her and she says like no, not right now, and if he has some sort of negative reaction, like uh, you always say no, or he gets upset, or he throws a a tantrum is what I call it, that's going to feel like pressure to the partner who's saying no. Um, so that's one form of pressure. Or if the person who's like, I wanna, I'm gonna make something up, I really want to do oral sex tonight, and your partner's like, I don't really feel like it, I'm not up for that, and you're like, Oh, I you should want this because it makes me happy and you should just do it. That type of thing is also pressure. Yeah, and the problem with that is that when a person feels pressured around sex, it's gonna close the door to sex and intimacy. So it actually totally goes against what you want. Like if you want more sex and intimacy, you do not want to put pressure on your partner at all. It's gonna get in your way of more sex and intimacy. So, sex without pressure is really, really important uh for everybody. It makes sex so much better. So there's like various ways that you can make sex like non-pressure. Um, so one way is not do the things that I described. So if someone says, no, not tonight, or I don't want the same thing you do, you need to accept that with grace and be like in internally be like, oh, I feel sad or disappointed, but that's okay. I'm gonna go take care of myself. Like, I'm gonna like I'm gonna go exercise, or maybe I'm gonna go self-pleasure or masturbate, or I'm gonna go see some friends, like go take care of yourself, but don't let those uncomfortable feelings come out on your partner in a negative way. So that's one way, yeah. That makes sense, and then other ways are um like if your partner says, No, I don't want oral sex tonight, that doesn't mean that it's just a no we can't connect. It just means, okay, well, what would you feel up for? What would feel good for you? It's and you just keep talking about it, right? It you don't have to get all pissed off or upset or feel rejected. You can just keep talking like it's totally fine that your partner doesn't want the same thing you do. That's another great way to take the pressure off.

SPEAKER_01: 15:25

Yeah, and then what about the pressure to like have an orgasm, like having that be the goal? Is that part of the that discussion?

SPEAKER_00: 15:32

Yeah, I love that you brought that up. Absolutely. So sex that has some sort of goal in mind, which most of the time is having an orgasm or having penetrative sex, most people are like, that's the goal, and we're rushing to those goals. That puts pressure on people because they feel like they have to meet this expectation, they get in their heads, and they like it does all sorts of unhelpful things to the body when we get into that mode. So taking the pressure off of orgasms, like you may or may not have an orgasm, and that's totally fine. That's not a problem. Orgasms are great, but the point of sex really should be about connection and pleasure. Connection and pleasure, not orgasms and penetration. So if you don't have an orgasm, no big deal. We still had a great time connecting. I still felt really close to you. I love that. Or penetration didn't happen, that's totally fine. There's so much more fun stuff we can do together. Um, and for a lot of women, penetration isn't super pleasurable on its own. So, like, uh there's so many other things that might even feel better for her.

SPEAKER_01: 16:54

Yeah, or at least focusing on the other parts while you're having penetrated sex.

SPEAKER_00: 16:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 16:59

Meaning, meaning the clitoris.

SPEAKER_00: 17:01

Yes, that is that is one way.

SPEAKER_01: 17:04

Yeah. Yeah, for sure. All right. What are some other complaints like on either side?

SPEAKER_00: 17:12

Like, usually what I see is like men are saying, I want more sex and intimacy, and she's saying, But I want more emotional connection. That seems to be a really common dynamic.

SPEAKER_01: 17:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 17:24

Um, and people really butt heads over this. So what I try to help folks do is like um cultivate the emotional connection, you know. Like, are you going on dates? Are you spending time together where you're not fighting? Are you um spending time without the kids? Like, are you spending that connective time together and really seeing each other, hearing each other's emotions, asking each other how's how your day is going? Because for most people, if that's absent, like how can you expect another person to be like, yeah, now I want to have sex with you? Like, because that's even more vulnerable, you know? So I think that this is such a key piece that folks need to work on, like just being friends and having a good time together and like seeing each other and having some fun.

SPEAKER_01: 18:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 18:28

Because if things are like serious and not fun, or there's a lot of friction all the time, how can you expect sex to happen? Like, sex is supposed to be fun, pressure-free, like a way to just feel good. So these two things are very, very connected. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_01: 18:52

Yeah, oh, definitely. I mean, and especially like you said, most women need that, and that's like their biggest thing is they want to feel seen and heard, and if they're not, they're not gonna be able to do it. And then for men, they want respect in, you know, if if they've perceived their their significant other as nagging and like you know, not listening to them or whatever. It's like a whole I mean, I just that's the biggest thing to me, is just that men and women are so different, and we they don't people don't understand that about each other. We're just a lot of women think they're just misbehaving, um, misbehaving women instead of men. You know, we're just so different the way outlooks and the way our brains are, the way we think about everything and focused on. And I just think if if we understood the opposite sex, we would everyone would be a lot better off. Especially in sex too. And I know I see that you talk about a pleasure first approach. Is that especially when life is busy? Is that kind of like you were saying with the date nights, or is there more to it?

SPEAKER_00: 19:54

Or yeah, I think that pleasure first means um, you know, are you focusing on your pleasure every day? Like what feels good to you in your body, in your mind, your spirit? Um are you, you know, are you taking 30 seconds to stand in the sun and feel it on your face and like really soaking that up? Are you taking a moment to like uh like listen to music that makes you feel really happy in the morning? That's something that I do. I do that every day. Um, and I do it for my pleasure. And so you gotta start there, number one. But then also when it comes to sex and intimacy, like sex is about pleasure and connection. So sex can mean anything you want as long as it feels pleasurable, right? So is the touch feeling pleasurable? Is the connection pleasurable? Uh, and if it's not, don't keep doing the thing that doesn't feel pleasurable. And it's okay to say, I want to switch it up, or no, I don't want this anymore, or no, I don't want that at all, because it doesn't feel pleasurable to you. That's totally fine.

SPEAKER_01: 21:16

Yeah, and usually both partners would want to please their partner, and they just and if they think they're doing it but they're not, and you're not saying anything, obviously, like you just said, they're not gonna know to not do it.

SPEAKER_00: 21:28

So totally. I think the underlying current is like communicate. We gotta talk about this stuff.

SPEAKER_01: 21:37

Yeah. On that note, do you want to communicate how people can reach you or work with you or like your whatever your website and just any information how they can yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_00: 21:48

So my coaching business is called Intimacy with Blue, and that's B L U, Intimacy with Blue. I have a website. Um, I also have a free community for women on Facebook called Thriving Women in Relationships. Um, and if you're in Washington State and you want to do some sex therapy, I have sky blue therapy in Washington State.

SPEAKER_01: 22:15

Okay, very cool. And then are there any like kind of parting thoughts, um, final comments you just want to take away for the people listening to get?

SPEAKER_00: 22:26

Sure. Um, I would say, you know, focus on your pleasure every day. That's super important. Fill up your own cup so that when it comes to sex and intimacy, like you have more energy to exchange with another person, and it doesn't feel like you're giving it away. Right? Because you're constantly filling up your own cup, that's your number one step.

SPEAKER_01: 22:51

Okay, awesome. Alrighty. Well, thank you very much. Good stuff to know. Thank you. Yeah, and um, if you love this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well. But thank you again for joining me, Sky Blue. Thank you very much. Bye. Alrighty, bye everyone. Thanks. Frank Dog! Frank Doc!