How Argentine Tango Reveals The Hidden Power Of Partnership #112

We explore how Argentine Tango turns relationship theory into something you can feel, using roles, consent, and feedback to rebuild trust and restore harmony. Linda Sutton shares why following can be more empowering than leading and how couples can sense alignment in the body before words.

• Tango as a working model for partnership
• Roles as equal in value, different in function
• Following as permission, amplification, creativity
• Trust and doubt as physical sensations
• Lead, then follow your lead feedback loop
• Pure following to expose and fix unclear leads
• Real‑time repair through body signals and breath
• Power struggles reframed as role confusion
• Practical ways to practice connection at home
• Access to workshops, coaching, and virtual options

If you love this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well. 

Transcript

Meet Linda And The Tango Lens

Intro 0:00

Welcome to the Straight from the Source's Mouth Podcast. Frank talk about sex and dating.

Tamara 0:06

Hello, Tamara here. Welcome to the show. Today's guest is Linda Sutton, an international performing artist, inspirational speaker, instructor, and world dance expert with the unique ability to translate relationship dynamics through the lens and practice of Tango. And we'll be talking about helping couples use those strategies to create the same harmony off the dance floor in their lives. Thanks for joining me, Linda.

Linda 0:29

Thank you so much for having me, Tamara. It's a joy to be here.

Tamara 0:34

Yes, I think this will be a great topic for the listeners because you know people are familiar with the dance itself, maybe at least the idea, like I've seen pictures of that type of dance. But I'm sure they don't think much about how what goes into it. They just kind of watch it for the you know, it's beautiful to watch, kind of thing. Yeah. So how did you get into translating this to helping coach couples, or do you want to start more with your background in general?

From World Dance To Tango’s Demands

Linda 1:01

Well, I think they kind of dovetail into one another. So I started actually Tango was not my first dance. I did not start as a dancer. Most people think that I came out of the womb dancing. I did not. Um I did take my first college um class until college, and um, I was a professor of other dance forms. So my specialty was world dance forms throughout the African diaspora. So basically, all the types of dance that were influenced or originate from African dance forms was where I was as a professional and I was studying the African roots of tango. And so that was what led me to tango. It was something that I was always, you know, I thought was beautiful, but it wasn't until I started doing the research that I started to explore the dance. Usually when I'm exploring a dance, not only do I do the historical and cultural references, but as a dancer, I also study the dance itself. And I found that the dance required so much of me. And I'd studied almost 20 different dance forms at that point. And so it was like I had to bring all of me to the floor. I had to bring mind, body, spirit. I had to, I was, it's a partner dance, so it's a little bit different than some of the other dance forms. And I had to really listen and connect with my partner in a new and different kind of way, deeper way for the dance to even work. And I was like, whoa, okay, so this is something different. I need to explore this more because there's more, there's more layers to this than I originally realized. Once you, like you said at the beginning, you see it on the outside, but you don't think about how much it takes to put into it. So that was what kind of got me into this deep dive into Tango. And then from that process and several experiences, um, when I realized and had an experience where I realized that in Tango 2 really do become one, I was like, I have to learn everything there is about this dance because not only can I benefit from it in my relationships, but I can work with, I can help others to improve their relationships using these secrets and these strategies that I was uncovering.

Roles Without Hierarchy

Tamara 3:09

Okay. And I know you talk about, well, obviously there's a the man leads generally and the woman follows. So I assume you're going like that's what you think is either best in relationships or that's how is that part of the coaching of it?

Linda 3:25

Well, the first part of it is that it's a partner dance first and foremost. And so when you understand that tango is a partner dance and therefore relationships is a partnership, that's your first kind of understanding, and that's a breakthrough in terms of for a lot of people who either because of their cultural understanding or upbringing may think of relationship in a hierarchical way. Um, but you realize in tango, um, number one, there is no leader if there is no follower. So um that hierarchy goes away immediately. And then you realize that tango and leading and following are just roles in the dance that show up in very different ways. Um, at least traditionally, the masculine and feminine energy corresponds, like the yin and the yang, do correspond with those roles. And it works out very, very well in the dance. I like to say that I am a very strong leader professionally. I'm usually in high-level leadership roles in government in the past. And so that was a struggle for me intellectually at first, because I was like, I know how to lead. I don't need a body tell me how to lead. Like, how this gonna work, is what my thought was. But then when I realized how much um following for me, even unlocked, I was like, whoa, following actually wind up being for me an even more empowering place than leading, which was kind of very eye-opening and and once again led me into a deeper dive.

The Power Of Following

Tamara 4:53

Yeah, I was gonna say, say more about that because a lot of people don't necessarily think following is that, like you said, empowering, or you know, they think it's kind of demeaning or whatever, or submissive and all that stuff. So you want to say more about how it's empowering?

Linda 5:07

Absolutely, because as a cultural context, we tend to think of once again leading from a business standpoint where there's a boss or a manager and there's subordinates. But boss and manager does not, those words do not mean the same thing as leader. The word to lead means to guide, to guide along a certain path, usually as it relates to a direction or a larger scope, a vision. To follow means to just follow along that path. But one of the most empowerful things is that the follower is the reason I say that there's no leader without a follower, because the follower has to decide to combine forces, if you will, with the leader in order for the dance to occur or for the vision to unfold. So that's the first thing. So it's kind of a person, a place of permission first. The follower has to decide, hey, I like this vision. I do want to work with this person. Um, I want to work in concert with them to create this beautiful dance, this relationship, this beautiful business. And so I'm going to empower them by combining my forces with them. So that's the first thing. The second thing is that following is an absorption of energy and an amplification of the energy. And that was the thing that just kind of blew my mind is that the follower amplifies in an exponential way everything that they receive from the leader. So the leader is like leading a couple of centimeters and it expresses as multiple inches and sometimes even feet in the woman's body. And when you realize that your ability to take everything that's given to you and that you can literally magnify it, multiply it, amplify it in the world and unlock your creativity to do that was just like, oh, I was like, okay, bring the noise. Um let's do this. So and unlock the new level of creativity within me. And I show my followers how to do that. Number one, be selective with your permission and granting permission. Number two, be careful about who you combine forces with. And number three, allow yourself to unlock levels of creativity and power within yourself that you didn't even realize were there.

Amplification And Creative Expression

Tamara 7:24

Yeah. Like just saying that I didn't think of it that way either. Like you're basically allowing the leader to be that much better. Like if without you, the leader isn't anything or isn't as much.

Linda 7:37

Exactly. Um go ahead, please.

Tamara 7:39

No, I was like, your role is like way more important than I ever thought of as a follower.

Linda 7:44

Yes, I'll give another example, and I don't know if you've seen the movie Black Panther. Um, but in that movie, you know, even though we're not talking violence or anything like that, but in the suit when um there was any sort of attack or anything, the suit would absorb the energy and then be able to use that energy or whatever, receive in a very exponential, powerful way. And even though this is not that, this is not like boxing or anything like that. But when you know you as a follower experience that, like, okay, there's a lead coming at you, you're interpreting that lead, you're expressing that lead, and then you're adding your own energy to make it so beautiful that it literally stops people in their tracks. The reason that Tango is so beautiful is because the the woman's expression of what they're receiving from the man energetically, at least in a literal sense. And so if you can kind of take that outside of the dance, that's literally what's going on in relationships.

Services, Classes, And Access

Tamara 8:46

Yeah, yeah, that's very cool. Do you want to, since you mentioned um how you what you share with your followers, you want to talk about how people can reach you or find you online, and then we can go back more into some of the topics too?

Linda 8:59

Absolutely. They can always connect with me through my socials and through my website, linda dsutton.com. Um, so you can always dance with me that way.

Tamara 9:08

Okay. And then you you mentioned you have, or you haven't said it yet, but there's a you have a two-to-tango class. Is that one of the things offered on your website?

Linda 9:18

Absolutely. I do workshops, I do um relationship coaching and a lot of camps. So I love this work.

Coaching Through The Body

Tamara 9:25

Okay. And do you have some virtual or all in person or both? Both. Okay. Very cool. And then how did so how does this apply in a relationship? Obviously, you have that dynamic you just described, but like in the coaching of couples, is it more of getting them to see that partnership that way? Or is it like examples, or how do you what are some of the stuff you work on them with?

Trust As A Physical Phenomenon

Linda 9:50

Absolutely. Well, I am a dancer. I won't say a dancer first, but I am a dancer through and through. And so it's literally dance work. Now, sometimes in the virtual environment, we can start out with, you know, kind of verbal coaching to just kind of get people to understand just the basics if they're not familiar with dance or they're not familiar with tango, just so they have the framework. But um, a research shows that 93% of communication is nonverbal, only 7% of it is verbal. And so so much in relationships is happening with body language, tonality, um, um, energy, you know, body positioning and things like that. And so you find out literally through walking people through the dance experience and the dance exercises and learning how to dance together, the ideas and principles start to unfold. Because it not only is something that you have an aha moment to make the dance work, but then you start to experience some of these very abstract ideas that we have about relationships in a very physical and visceral way. Um, one of my favorite things to watch couples work through is realizing that trust is a physical phenomenon. And for them to come into that awareness, like the leader to realize, oh my God, I can feel that she does not trust me in her body. I can feel her hesitancy, I can feel her concern in her body, I can feel her lack of understanding and questioning in her body as she responds to my lead, for example. And so as people start to experience and they're walking through the exercises, it starts the light bulb start to go off. And especially in relationships, they start to realize and be able to pinpoint, oh, this is why she's questioning me, or oh, this is why I'm resistant to his lead, or oh, you know, this is why she's like, I don't know about that. I don't trust, I don't trust it. Um, and there's because there's something that he's doing in his movement, how he moves with her off the dance floor that's resulting in that. So that's one of the ways that we work through, and it's so beautiful to watch um it unfold for them.

Tamara 12:04

Yeah. So is it, are you doing the coaching during the session, or they can, as you as you mentioned, they can feel it happening while it's happening, then you talk about it after, or do you kind of interrupt and then say, like, oh, did you notice right here what happened? Or like, how does how does that work?

Real‑Time Feedback And Repair

Linda 12:18

Yes, I absolutely walk them through their process. I walk them through the process. Sometimes with certain couples, they're unfolding and their aha moments are so great that they start to literally have the conversation there and they'll ask me questions and they'll be like, Whoa, like I can feel her resistance, you know. So what does that mean? Like, okay, or I realize it. How do I fix it? You know, or how do I address that? So they may come into the realization, but now they may be looking at me for solutions. So it's a very engaging, interactive process.

Tamara 12:51

Okay. And are you want to share how that happen how some of that engagement works, or is that more of like if they work with you, you'll they'll find out.

Linda 12:58

Well, there's that too. Um, but like I said, it's a physical exercise. So I show them, you know, this is what you have to do in your body, and what your body does is since 93% is nonverbal, you're signaling to your partner without having to say it certain things. And so I'm like, this is how you signal that, you know, that understanding that, okay, you're feeling resistance. So how do you respond to resistance in order to reassure or reaffirm or can or let your partner know that you hear them, that you hear that they don't understand, or that you hear their resistance? What signals can you send with your body and the way that you're moving with them to let them know that? And then what are you listening for from them that they get it? Like, oh, okay, like for example, a relaxation in the body or certain muscles will let you know that, okay, you can feel it, like from resistance to comfort to ease to surrender.

Tamara 14:13

Okay. Yeah, I was gonna ask you, what's is that the most common like dynamic, or is there some that you've seen like most couples have this dynamic, or is there a little bit of everything?

Linda 14:23

I see the full range and gamut. Um, you know, I have couples that come to me that are really in sync, um, but they want to make their relationship even better. Like, you know, one or both partners say, you know, hey, you know, we're good, we're on the same page, but we want more passion. We want to, you know, preventative maintenance, so to speak. We want to, you know, stave off some things because we haven't, we've seen our friends experience loss, for example, or things that got them off and out of sync. And so they're like, hey, how would you handle that? How can we kind of fortify ourselves to be able to weather more storms? I mean, then the whole thing where people are falling apart and they're literally tussling in the first couple of minutes, and you're almost playing referee and kind of bringing them ding, ding, ding, ding, go back to your corners. Okay, let's come back together and you know, see what's going on here with your power dynamic.

Tamara 15:17

I was just gonna say it probably sounds like a power struggle. Absolutely. Yeah, like the woman's more used to leading or feels like she has to lead kind of like in life. I I would think that's like one of the a bigger issue or a common issue, I should say.

Linda 15:31

It is, it is. Um, it doesn't take long to um bypass that once you once they understand what the role of the follower is. And for example, I as a leader, I use um literally in government, for example, or in corporate environments, I actually use my following skills to do things that facilitate my leadership role. And so it's so beautiful because you know, every once in a while, some people that know that I'm a dancer, they're like, hey, you're using that tango stuff on me, aren't you?

Tamara 16:07

Yeah. Yeah, I can see that. Yeah, now knowing how you amplify as a follower, you can amplify in the right the areas in the ways you want it to amplify. So yeah, I can see that. All right. Well, is there anything I haven't asked that you want me to ask or you want to talk about?

Lead, Then Follow Your Lead

Pure Following And Clean Feedback

Linda 16:24

Well, I mean, I love the way that you talked about pyrodynamics, and that's something that I'm seeing in the larger culture right now. There really is a battle of the sexes going on. And, you know, you have gentlemen. Um, one thing that I hear commonly for them is let me lead, or you know, I should be lead or leader, or why aren't women, modern women, allowing us to lead. And then, of course, ladies are like, you know, I'm standing on my own, doing my own thing. Like, why am I, you know, why would I let you lead me? Like, I can lead you better than you can lead me. Um, and so, you know, I love addressing that because um there's an old African proverb. You guys know my origin is an African dance, is that says, if you do not know the purpose of a thing, you will abuse it. And one of the things that I see nowadays is that number one, people don't understand, really understand the purpose of relationships. And then they don't understand the purpose of why, like any team, any partnership, everyone has different roles. A part of what drives that in our culture is that we send, we tend to think of equal as same as opposed to equal as in meaning, equal in value. And so one of the things I like to help in terms of understanding that this power dynamic is you already heard me say, there is no leader without a follower. So, leader, you can't lead without someone giving you permission to be in under your leadership or within partnership with you, because leadership is just a role. Leadership is just a role that's conducted within the partnership to make the partnership work, just like following is a role within the partnership to make the partnership work. Um, and and it just is what it is in that in that arena. But the other piece of it is is understanding. I like to, for my math nerds out there, um, the equal sign is what we look at in equations. And you have stuff on either side of the equal sign. There's not usually the same variables on either side of the equal sign, but the value on both sides is the same. They are equal in value, very, very different variables that make up that equation, very, very different variables because you have to have something on both sides of the equation for it to be. It's like not all the variables are on this side. So the same thing in relationships. Your partner is bringing different variables to the equation, operate, have different orders of operation, but their value is the same, and both sides are both required for the equation to exist and for you to calculate or to create something. And so, you know, when people start talking about power struggles, it's like relationship is not a hierarchy. Even when you have an organizational structure that is that way, a business can't succeed. You can have a leader all you want, but if there is no people working in concert with you, if there is no customers that are interested, you can stand on the top of that mountain all you want. That doesn't mean anything. The significance is the other parties that are involved that work together with you in order to create something beautiful.

Tamara 19:33

Yeah, I'm actually I'm reading a book right now that she was given the role of executive chef, but like the people under her didn't some of them didn't think she should be there. So, you know, naturally they did not follow her. Exactly. Or they sabotage or yeah. So yeah, you can have the the role of leader, but if they're not gonna yeah.

Safer Conversations Through Asking

Linda 19:53

And the the part of it that makes it work is leaders have to understand the key is relationship, like you were just describing. Like if people don't like you, they don't trust you, they like you shouldn't be at the helm. Every leader needs to understand your followers will take you down. They can take you down as quickly as they lift you up. And so, in order to be a successful leader and retain, if you will, the position, you always have to be in concert with your followers. You always have to be in good relationship, successful relationship, harmonious relationship with all of those within partnership with you, in order for those positions and roles to continue to be fluid. The other thing is, if I may add to that, is I teach leaders the core, one of the core tenets is that you lead and then you follow your lead. So you send the energy, you provide the energy that leads the step. But then you have to follow behind that lead to get feedback and information that you need to lead the next step. So there's this kind of cycling, and so the follower receives it, they execute it, which is like a leadership role to execute, and then they provide feedback to the leader so that the leader knows and gets what they need. Okay, this is working, this isn't working, this is what I need to do to lead the next step. So I initiate the energy, the follower executes and then provides feedback that I need to initiate the next step or the next tactic or whatever, if you're talking about off the floor.

Tamara 21:31

Yeah. And do you have that apply in the relationship, like the the like romantic relationship to when you coach people?

Final Takeaways And Next Steps

Linda 21:40

Absolutely. Yeah. That you're, you know, it's an exciting thing that followers realize because they can see it physically. Like it's like your role, you're not nagging, you're not out of place by questioning or giving feedback to your leader. That's literally your role. And they can see it in the dance. And I tell them to do that purely. Don't try to fix it. You know, for example, one of the things is that, um, and one of my claims to fame is how I kind of rose through the ranks, is I was considered a pure follower. I never backled, I didn't fix it for them. Whatever they, you know, whatever they led is exactly what they I executed. And then they got pure feedback. They were like, oh, well, we know Linda follows purely, so uh it's on me. If it's if if what I see is not what I intended, then it's on me to remedy that, either to get new understanding or try it again, or lead something else and abandon that because that's not working. So then maybe I don't understand something, so let me move into a new direction. And so, and then they would start to ask questions. They're like, Whoa, that's not what I intended. I see the impact on you, or I'm seeing the impact on the floor. What can I do to get what I wanted? And I'm like, well, this is what I feel, this is what you led, and this was the outcome of that. And so that becomes the conversation. But it doesn't always have to be verbal. When you're in a class, you want that verbal, but um on the dance floor, like they get it real time.

Tamara 23:09

Helping couples, do you have them how do you have them speak to each other while giving the feedback? Is there a certain mechanism or a certain way to give good feedback versus not so helpful?

Linda 23:20

Actually, no. Um, I allow them to speak freely. However, what I find is that the simple act of asking for feedback encourages supportive, loving delivery. So, whereas in the relationship, because there's a power struggle, she might get to the point where she's being frustrated and she's trying to get feedback, but he's either not asking for it, for example, in a in a male-female relationship, or he's not, he doesn't want to hear it, or don't nag me, or I'm the leader, you know, don't tell me what to do. I'm driving this car. Um, just in that environment, because I create a safe environment for them to learn, just the act of asking for feedback or knowing that feedback is expected. You know, the beautiful thing about partners is that they genuinely typically want, they love each other and they typically want to be in partnership and they typically want to be successful and they want to see their partner thrive and succeed. And, you know, sometimes they get to they get back to that. They're like, oh yeah, my partner is here, is giving me feedback because she wants me to look good, you know, or she doesn't want to get hurt. So it's perfectly reasonable. And so usually I don't have to coach them through the delivery because just it becomes loving just by the being open and asking.

Tamara 24:38

Okay. Yeah, that's good to know. I would have assumed that would be harder because, but yeah, I guess the dancing is what is the difference between other kinds of relationship coaching. Absolutely.

Linda 24:49

Yeah, coaching, yeah. Because they're feeling it, because they're feeling it. I don't, they don't, I don't have to, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. No, go ahead. But I don't have to coach them through that because they're already having the experience themselves. So they're not having to intellectualize it. They can feel what's going on, they can feel either the intention or relaxation, they can see the success or the non-success. So then because it's so real time, they become very open to kind of the process very quickly.

Tamara 25:19

Yeah, it sounds uh sounds awesome. Are there any um final thoughts you want to leave or like just kind of takeaways?

Linda 25:27

Um the biggest one is that the one thing that Tango teaches you is that usually the very reason you chose the person in the first place is is still there. We just have to either uncover it, get back to it, or enhance it. So when you begin to approach your mate as a partner, that you're on the same team, you're a part of the same couple. And the other piece of that is that you as a couple are moving on a dance floor together and negotiating, navigating everything that's on that floor. That as long as you understand that you want to be connected, trust and loving, and work together within your unit and then work together to move through life, you'll have a successful dance. Just the mindset first that you want that is going to facilitate the rest because you'll just start to be aware and pay attention and respond.

Tamara 26:22

Awesome. All right. Well, thank you very much for being on. And um, if you love this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well. And of course, follow the podcast and check out is it um two to tango or what is your the site again, just to make sure they can go find you right away?

Linda 26:39

They can find me on linda desuton.com.

Tamara 26:42

All right, thanks you. All right, well, thank you again, and uh it's great stuff, and I appreciate you being on.

Linda 26:48

Thank you for having me, Tamara. Ciao. Alrighty. Chao.

Tamara 26:52

Thanks everyone. Bye.

Outro 26:54

Frank's off, Frank's off, sex and dating edge kids.