Date strategically, find your perfect match, inspire them to commit #126

We dig into strategic dating, secure attachment, and the skills that turn chemistry into commitment. Valerie Greene shares questions, scripts, and a four-part roadmap for inspiring commitment and creating a win-win culture at home.

• defining vision, values and relationship culture
• writing profiles that show values, not just hobbies
• first-date questions that reveal growth and integrity
• safe haven and secure base behaviors for security
• anxious attachment tools for belief change and self-soothing
• meeting avoidants with empathy while keeping standards
• the four-part roadmap to inspire commitment
• needs vs strategies for true collaboration
• assessing partners when calm, not when triggered

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Transcript

Meet Valerie Green

Intro 0:00

Welcome to the Straight from the Source's Mouth Podcast. Frank talk about sex and dating.

Tamara 0:05

Hello, Tamara here. Welcome to the show. Today's guest is Valerie Greene, a renowned relationship coach, mentor, and author. Thanks for joining me, Valerie. Thank you.

Valerie Greene 0:15

I know I'm so excited because we were just chatting beforehand, and I just said you could pick my brain about anything in terms of relationships. So I look forward to that.

From Health Coach To Relationships

Tamara 0:25

Yes, it's always good to have many asks or many um perspectives. That's what word I was looking for. Many perspectives on this because I've had other coaches, but everyone has like, you know, there's some core things that everyone kind of knows you should probably have and not have. But there's you know different philosophies of how to approach stuff. So I mean let's get started as the relationship coach side of it. Like, how did you get into it and what is your kind of specialty or what do you like to help people with the most?

Valerie Greene 0:54

Yeah, yeah. Um, it's funny how I got into it. Um, I was always passionate about relationships, um, probably because my dad and I argued constantly as a kid. So I was just always wondering like, how are people supposed to be doing this? Because I never like arguing, I never liked fighting, but that was, you know, he had a lot of emotional abuse from his dad, so that's all he knew. Um and so I was always passionate about it, and so I was always reading books in my 20s. But I actually started out as a health coach, believe it or not. It just wound up happening that when people came to me, let's say, to overcome emotional eating, that uh I actually wound up helping them with the relationship challenges more than the nutritional challenges. And then um once I was able to help them heal the emotions in the relationship, then the they were able to more easily use the interventions around emotional eating. And so when I worked with a business coach, that's what we decided is that, like, oh, this is actually my skill set is helping people with their relationship. So then I did um pretty much continuous training over the course of 10 years. Um, I studied with uh Sue Johnson's um, uh not with her directly, but um they let me do study emotionally focused therapy and a bunch of other emotional healing modalities. And I did I studied with uh John Dotman and just basically and went to the Relationship Coaching Institute, among other things. So um started working with couples, but then of course, when you market to couples, um usually the woman, but sometimes the man would approach me and say, Well, I'm interested, but my husband isn't interested, so I guess it won't work. And it's like, well, actually, if I relationships are a system. So if I help you to show up differently, then that's gonna impact the relationship. But if I market to couples, then they're already coming in with that, you know, bias that it should be both people. So then I just started my second niche of, you know, I can help you even if your partner doesn't participate, which was very successful. But then, of course, singles started reaching out to me. So then I started my third niche of, you know, helping people learn how to date strategically so that you don't get stuck in situationships. And I I wrote a book about that.

Tamara 3:13

Yeah. I like all that. I started as a health coach, or not started, I also dabbled it as a health coach too. So then I finally realized there's enough of those in the world, it seems like, but and I like talking about this kind of stuff more. So nice, yeah. Well, I do like the last thing you said in um like the strategically dating and helping people you know get away from their bad patterns or whatever's going on with them. What are some things you help them discover, or what how do you work with them, or what comes up?

Strategic Dating Over Chemistry

Valerie Greene 3:44

Exactly. Yeah, I find that a lot of people, and myself included, this was the mistake I made all throughout my 20s. Um, so you know, when I tell people about mistakes, I've made all of them. So there's no judgment, right? But but um so but my point is that um if we don't clarify what our vision and values and culture that we want to create in a relationship, when we just follow chemistry, then what creates chemistry is either what feels familiar from childhood, um, or that you'd have really healthy babies. Um, so if you just follow chemistry, then it usually doesn't work out.

Tamara 4:29

Yeah.

Profiles, Vetting, And First-Date Questions

Valerie Greene 4:30

Um and so, you know, that's why I teach people how to, because uh what John Gottman's research shows is that um the longest predictor of success in long-term relationships is not shared interests, but shared values and vision and culture. Um, and so what that means is um what I help my client to do, what it means to to date strategically is before you even get on the apps. Of course, you can go out and meet people. Um, you know, that's how people have met people from the beginning of time. So, you know, like I actually met all of my significant relationships at events. But the thing is, like, if you meet someone at events through friends, friends usually share your values. And so that's more likely to meet somebody who shares your values than if you go online. If you go online, it's just like, as you're probably familiar with, like the lowest common denominator, right? It's like everyone's on there. So if all you're doing is following chemistry, it's very, very rare that you'll meet someone who actually has the same values and vision that you have. So it's about really clarifying your values and vision and culture and artfully describing that in your profile and showing that through your pictures so that and then learning how to vet people, because most people, when they go on a first date or they're chatting with people online, they do small talk. And small talk says nothing about values. So when I work with my clients, I have a list of questions that I give them. Like, for example, let's say you value personal growth. And it's really important to you, as it was for me, to be married to someone who also values personal growth. Because the truth is, if one person values growth and the other doesn't, then you'll just grow apart and it won't work out. So it's like if that's what you value, then it's important, even on a first date, to start asking questions to see if the person shares your values. So, for example, a question that you can ask is something like, Hey, what's life teaching you lately? And see how they answer. No, of course, you have to also be willing to answer that question yourself. Um, that's that's what I recommend is like not just to come out like that. Because if you just come out like that, it sort of sounds confrontational, right? If you're like just so the way I always recommend asking it is like, so um one thing life is teaching me lately is you know, then then what I would say is like, well, I grew up really um, you know, in a very kind of go, go, go culture where I was kind of pushed to accomplish things and I didn't really learn the value of taking breaks. And so now in my adult life, what I'm having to learn is how to not push through when I'm feeling tired and actually recognize my body's signal when it's time to rest. And I'm learning how to do that, and I'm actually feeling more balanced as I get older. And and like I know a lot of people get more stressed as they get older, but I'm actually feeling more balanced. How about you? What is life teaching you lately? You know, so like that's how I recommend answering the question because that sounds like you're sharing about yourself, and then you're asking them, and it's more confrontation, the conversational as opposed to confrontational.

Tamara 7:45

Yeah. Yeah, and then if they're like nothing, I don't, I'm good or something, then you know they're not in growth.

Valerie Greene 7:52

Right. Yeah, then you know that they don't share that value, and so then you shouldn't continue dating them, you know, if you if you value them.

Tamara 7:59

There's a book of from a prior guest who lists their top ten priorities rank ordered and then kind of compare notes. So I thought, have you done the or is there something like that you've heard of? Or I'm sure there's many different ways to go about that, but exactly.

Valerie Greene 8:12

Yes, there are. I mean, I'm sure that's a great book. Um, there's so many books. In fact, I think every um good book, work it worth its salt about dating strategically, will have people clarify their vision, their values, their priorities, their goals, their dreams before they get into a relationship. Because it's not until you know that about yourself that you can then talk about that with the person you're dating so that you can tell. Uh this is kind of the art of balancing your heart with your head. Because if you just follow your heart in a romantic relationship, then usually that leads to you getting stuck in a what's called a situationship, you know, where there's a lot of chemistry and a lot of love, but you don't have the same values or you don't have the same vision or you don't have the same culture that you want to create together. Um, and so then people just feel like they're stuck. Um, you know, that's what they call a situationship.

Tamara 9:11

Yeah. And usually it seems one-sided as well, like potentially one's more has more feelings than the other. And they whether they admit that or not is the other issue. So there's a whole world of all that stuff. Exactly. Yeah, and I know you are also like a mentor. I guess it's kind of similar, or do you look at it differently? Do you uh is are you mentoring clients, or is it more like what angle is your mentorship part?

Coaching, Mentoring, And Secure Attachment

Valerie Greene 9:37

Yeah, I mean, you know, because coaching is just asking open-ended questions to find out, you know, what the person's answer is. So I I've gotten to the point where I kind of combine all of it, you know, like the uh mentoring, coaching. Um, I mean, I can't say I do counseling because I'm not I don't have a master's degree or or you know, license in counseling, but you know, I certainly give um more consulting kind of advice uh when it's needed. But um, but I mean the backbone of my business is coaching, meaning that I don't think I have the answers. It's all about asking the client the right questions in order to have them know what their vision and values and culture is. But I wind up doing a lot of education because, you know, like for example, in order to build secure attachment, that means that we have to learn the behaviors of a how to be a safe haven and a secure base. But people don't know what that is, so then I have to teach that and explain it and help them figure it out. But once they do, then I then I go back to coaching and like, what do you think about that? How does that land with you? Which one of these is easy and hard? Which of those do you want to implement in your relationship? You know, that kind of thing.

Tamara 10:47

Yeah, and I've had several episodes on the avoidant and the anxious, but I haven't actually laid out like what is secure. Like I know it's a good thing, and the people that are secure stay together, but like what are some attributes of a secure, like you said, the safe haven and the Oh yes, yes, yes.

Safe Haven And Secure Base Skills

Valerie Greene 11:03

Um, so the way I look at attachment, which I find kind of exciting because is not a pathology, um, and it can be healed. That's called having an earned secure attachment style. Um, so I kind of look at it as a belief system and a skill set. Um, that, you know, I mean, it's not easy to reprogram limiting beliefs that we learned uh all the way back when we were two years old, but it's possible. And it's not easy to learn the skills of being a safe haven and a secure base, but it's possible if we do the work. Um, I myself identified, and my husband too, as coming from insecure attachment and healing together and having what's called that earned secure attachment style with each other. Um, and so I'm of course I'm happy to talk about that. So um basically the beliefs of someone with secure attachment are that um feelings and needs are not just important, but the backbone of a romantic relationship, that sharing our feelings and needs with each other is what creates closeness. Um when somebody shares a feeling, then that deserves empathy and validation and um uh care. And that conflict is not only necessary but important to experience closeness and connection with the other person. Um, and that when we have conflict, that's not a problem. It's something to be embraced, to find out how we can create a win-win solution together, and that we'll feel closer afterwards than we did before. Um, and those sort of beliefs, you know, and like it's easy to be close to someone and still maintain my sense of self. Um, you know, that that kind of those kind of beliefs. And then the the skills, as the researchers have um determined, are basically two types of skill sets. So there's the safe haven and the secure base. Um, so a safe haven means that we create a culture. So this is why I'm talking about culture. It's like what culture do you want to create in your ideal relationship? And the culture of secure attachment is what I'm talking about. So that means that um a safe haven is if I share a vulnerable feeling, then I know my partner is gonna respond with empathy and care. That we give each other um soothing and um obviously we don't like wake each other up when we're sleeping to do that, right? We create agreements around it. It's not um codependence is where you're demanding about how it has to happen. Interdependence is where you make agreements together about what works for both of you. But given that this is something that works for both of you, you know, that um you respond to each other's feelings and needs with care and sensitivity, and that um you generally regard each other's desires as legitimate. And if you say no to a request, then it's about collaborating. It's not about dismissing. Like if I ask, hey, can we have a date this Saturday night? You know, like that I'm not gonna just be met by no, you know, that it's gonna be like, oh, okay, well, it doesn't work for me this Saturday, but let's talk about when I am free to find the time that works for both of us. So collaboration is the main mindset that both people's feelings and needs are important, and that if you can't find a solution to a request that you'll collaborate, and that it's this sort of culture of win-win or no-deal. Um, so that both people feel safe in the relationship with their needs. So that's that's the the safe haven. And then the secure base is we're the wind beneath each other's wings for shared purpose. So I have my finger on the pulse of what you're creating in your life, what your dreams are. I ask you regularly about them. If you take risks and fail, I'll be there to kind of build you up again. Um and you know, if you have like an important meeting, I'll be your cheerleader, you know, that kind of thing.

Tamara 15:35

Yeah, I love that. And I don't know why I never asked this exact question before, because that's like the ideal, you know, and like just having the actual skills laid out. So it's definitely something I I have more the anxious side. So I'm working on those areas and I know that it's good to have that. Also easier said than done for me personally.

Valerie Greene 15:56

But yeah, yeah, for everyone with insecure attachment and um you know, learning how to self-soothe is the skill there.

Tamara 16:04

Um especially when you have two if you want, but yeah, I was gonna say, well, especially because a lot of anxious end up with avoidance, so then you're dealing with that struggle too of you know smothering over neediness and all that. So yeah, and that's where I usually find myself, and most, you know, most people pair up. Exactly.

Anxious Attachment: Beliefs And Soothing

Valerie Greene 16:25

Yeah, because to an anxious person, an avoidance seems really confident in the beginning. And in the beginning, before they're triggered, they're really chivalrous uh avoidance because they want to perform because their fear is I want to do it right, I don't want to fail. So it's like they need a lot of appreciation um in order to keep doing it. But um, yeah, so we there's a lot of places we can go with this then. So we can talk about how to vet someone to see if they're an avoidant, um, to avoid being in a relationship with one, or we can talk about how to develop the skills of secure attachment if you're anxious.

Tamara 16:59

Yeah, I like I like this, I like both, but uh let's start with the second one. Um and and then also like developing this the secure stuff if they happen to also be avoidant, or is that that's like maybe one step too far. Yeah, let's start with the anxious side and how to do better.

Reading And Reaching Avoidants

Valerie Greene 17:17

It's actually the same um how should I put it? It's the same um, in my opinion, steps to healing. It's just that anxious people and avoidant people have opposite beliefs. So when you work with the beliefs, there are different beliefs to reprogram because with avoidance, you have to legitimize that feelings and needs are even important. And so it's a little harder to reprogram those beliefs to for avoidance, because with anxious people, they're like, well, yeah, of course they're important, you know, but with anxious people, then it's about um the beliefs about um collaboration and that um, you know, because with with anxious people, um anxious attachment, that is, I'm not just talking about like people who are anxious, but people who have anxious attachment. Um usually it's caused um by parents just not being available enough, uh, not necessarily because it's their fault, they could have been busy or sick or something like that. Um, but it's um so therefore the behaviors that worked to get the parents' attention when we're younger are still the behaviors that we're using as adults, you know. So anxious people tend to get really um when we perceive, I'm gonna say we because I I believe that actually I started out having a fearful avoidant attachment style, which is or or disorganized, which is kind of like a combination of both. So that's why I think I'm really good at understanding both. Um, but I think I have, you know, kind of an earned secure attachment style at this point, you know, because I've done all this work on myself. But um so, you know, for anxious, it's like reprogramming the beliefs that the right thing to do is to be the pursuer, because that's usually what works. Like if I really try hard to get mommy's attention when I'm too by running and pursuing and crying and demanding, and that worked, then those behaviors get programmed in is what works. And so it's about looking at the beliefs underneath that. Like, okay, he didn't call when he said he would. That doesn't mean that he's attracted to someone else. What else could it mean? And so learning how to challenge those beliefs and to challenge the belief that reaching out is the best way to get the answer. Um, and you know, so that's um how that's the first step. And then the skills are self-soothing. So in addition to challenging limiting beliefs, it's learning how to feel the feelings of sensation in the body with self-compassion and doing the inner child work. Um, and I have inner child meditations that I give to my clients in order to learn how to self-soothe. And then it's about identifying the emotional needs, uh, which, you know, let's say he didn't call when he said he would, then the need is communication and possibly integrity. Um, so it's important to learn how to get those needs met elsewhere while you're waiting, because otherwise, if he calls and you show up angry right away, um, then that's gonna make him feel misunderstood. And then if there was a legitimate reason why he didn't call, then he's just gonna think that because he just met you that you're too dramatic and that'll push him away. So it's about learning how to get those needs met elsewhere, like for example, venting to a girlfriend that you really value integrity and why do you keep attracting these people who don't call when they say they will? And how do you find out if he has integrity? Well, that would be being curious, you know. So, in order to um learn that, then it would be about learning how to regulate your nervous system so that when he does call, first of all, for you to create a connection and say, I'm sure there was some good reason why, you know, I was a little um concerned, but I'm more curious, like, I'm sure there was something exciting that you were doing earlier, you know, like how was your day? Um, and you know, then once he shares so that he doesn't feel made wrong, then you can say, and it's totally fine because we're still getting to know each other and I value integrity. And what that means to me is that if I say I'll call somebody at a certain time, then I do, or I text them to say that um, you know, I something came up, can I call later? Um, that's really important to me because what that provides for me is security um and reassurance. And um that's really important to me. So is that something that you're willing to do? Is that the kind of culture that you want to create? And um, a lot of people are scared of saying that because they think that would push the person away. But if you say that with a calm, collaborative tone, that's what makes all the difference. Then it'll only push the wrong person away.

Tamara 22:15

Yeah. Yeah, I can definitely see that. Because I was to say earlier when you were talking about um, like if you do get upset, they're not especially an avoidant is going to be less inclined to tell you in the future. So I am going through that myself. Like, um, yeah.

Inspiring Commitment: The Roadmap

Valerie Greene 22:31

Yeah, because avoidance just the way to look at it is that, and I'm calling I'm talking about dismissive avoidance. Um, fearful avoidance is just a different category. Um, because fearful avoidance actually do feel their feelings more than dismissive avoidance. Dismissive avoidance, like the definition of dismissive, is that they just don't think feelings or needs are important at all. And so if you come at him with a lot of anger, he's just gonna immediately shut down. Because it's like they it the way to look at it is like avoidance, dismissive avoidance have you know how somebody, like let's say they've been fasting for a week and then they eat their first meal again and their stomach's really small, like they need to build it back up because when you don't eat for a long time, like as in a fast, um, your stomach shrinks and it can't handle the amount of food. So it's kind of like that. Like, I look at a dismissive avoidant as just having a really small stomach for feelings, like they just can't handle a lot of emotion. And so with an avoidant, they need to be built up slowly that emotions are safe. And uh, so that's when I work with avoidance, which I do, um, especially when I work with couples, when one is anxious and one avoidant is avoidant, it's about like first of all, legitimizing the feelings for the avoidance and having them, because not always men, it's just stereotypical men, but I've worked with women avoidance too, it because it really just depends on one's upbringing and childhood. And if they grew up in a family where they just didn't do feelings at all, then we can have women that are avoidance too, although it's stereotypically men. Um, and so it's about having them learn that their feelings are important first before they can then uh learn how to attend to their partner's feelings. It's it's me actually giving them the empathy that they have never gotten for their feelings and asking them like how what's that like to take that in? And they're like, actually that feels good. And it's like, oh, okay, well, tell me more, and you know, but you know, it it's kind of baby steps with it, it depends on how how dismissive they are and how much uh you know it's uh I'm not supposed to talk about trauma as a coach, uh, you know, because that's a therapy term, but you know, it's like how much yeah, how much how triggered they are. Yeah, how what their childhood is like and how much emotional neglect there was.

Tamara 25:01

Yeah. Yeah, I think I am the disorganized one actually, because I'm in when I was younger I had I was also avoidant, more so than I am now, anxious. But yeah, yeah. I mean, I I think I've had a f several episodes on this, but every time we talk, there's like a little thing else you didn't hear about or realize. So, but as a quick switch, I just wanted to one of the questions is how to inspire a man to commit. Yeah. How how do we do that?

Win-Win Culture And Needs vs Strategies

Valerie Greene 25:29

That is uh what my book is about, is called the commitment roadmap. Uh so that's available on my website because that's not an easy answer, but I I divide the book into four parts. So I'll talk about that. So part one um is about clarifying your vision and your values and your must-haves and your deal breakers and really making that plan for strategic dating. And the reason for that, and this is all in terms of how to inspire a man to commit, um, as a feminine woman. I mean, that's how my book is written for. Of course, there's also an art to inspiring a woman to commit, but more often I hear that women want the relationship and it's hard to inspire a man to commit. So that's what my book is about. Um, but um so that's what's really important because it's important to vet someone in the beginning to see if their vision and values are in alignment with what you want, because a lot of times someone will tell you in the beginning that they don't want to get married. And it's important to listen to that, to not think that I'm gonna be the one that changes his mind, because he'll just fall in love with me and I'll be so special. And yes, and that's not to say that a man is willing to do what it takes to build secure attachment just because you're so amazing, you know. Um, so it's like that's the first part is like knowing your vision and values and knowing how to vet someone to see if they even want what you want. Um, and so um, of course, I talk about that in my book, like how to do that. And then the second part is working through your blocks to intimacy because a lot of times women come to me thinking that they're with a guy who doesn't want to commit, but it's actually her who's holding back and not sharing with him her vulnerable vision for why she wants such a big commitment. Like I the my um most famous case study with that was a woman that I worked with who was in a long-distance relationship. And um he was um, I mean, they traveled to see each other, but she wanted monogamy and to move closer to him. She was even willing to move closer to him to be monogamous, but he was terrified because his ex-wife like had mental health issues and he was just terrified of monogamy for that reason. Um, and you know, for because of his experiences with his ex. And so um, I mean, I I I'm just you know, confidentiality, so I I can't share the identifying details, but you know, um, so it's like she was gonna break up with him because you know, he didn't want monogamy, but it wasn't until I helped her to articulate her vision for like what it would provide for them, and you know, they had all these inside jokes together and what it would look like to wake up and look into each other's eyes and see their children's eyes in their eyes, and you know, these activities that they love doing together that nobody else loved, and you know, like all of these vulnerable, it felt too vulnerable for her to say. And that's the thing is like that's the degree to which you need to speak to that level of vulnerability in order to inspire somebody to your vision. And so that step two is working through your own blocks to being vulnerable. Because I talk about victim vulnerability, which is not attractive, which is like poor me, versus inspiring vulnerability, which is like, what is the vulnerable desire that's so vulnerable that you want it so deeply that it's scary to say? Like that's what's inspiring to the right person. And it's scary because you might get rejected, right? But that's what it takes in order to have secure love, is to be willing to have the courage to share the things that you desire so deeply that it makes your heart almost burst out of its seams. And, you know, like that's what you want to co-create. Um, and so that's part two of my book is where you work through the blocks to being that vulnerable, um, limiting beliefs and patterns and all of that. Um, and then so in step three, I talk about what it means to actually um work through a man's blocks to commitment. And, you know, because I kind of look at it as like um it's not about time, it's about whatever his resistance is. So learning how to be a detective around what his resistance is, and then demonstrating the opposite of what he's scared of. You know, like for example, um, when I met my husband, he said he didn't want to get married. And I was actually okay with that because I'd been married before, and you know, I did the whole wedding thing, and I'm like, you know, it's fine. I mean, I'm a relationship coach, but I'm okay just being committed and having legal agreements of our commitment. I don't need the marriage thing. But then um, so um the reason that he didn't want to get married was because he was scared that I would be a burden. And so I had to demonstrate, but I wasn't trying to demonstrate, but I was just being myself because I know needs versus strategies and collaboration, and I'm not gonna be a burden. If I ask him for something that he doesn't want, I'm that I'm great, okay, you don't want that. Well, how let's brainstorm win-win solutions that work for both of us. And that's not a burden, that's just feeling and so he got that like he could actually create more together than he can create on his own because I also know how to get him out of his bad moods and lift him up when he's struggling. And so eventually he realized that he didn't have any blocks anymore, and then he proposed, which actually really surprised me because I wasn't expecting that. Um, so that's part three is like how to work through his blocks, and then part four is like how to maintain the culture of a collaborative relationship, you know.

How To Work With Valerie

Tamara 31:41

Yeah, I love that. I mean, I feel like I would do that with my partner, but the collaboration is like from what you've said, there's definitely a few more skills I could add. So I love the concept of the win-win. And I mean it's so obvious, but but yeah. Awesome. All right. Well, um, are there any well if you you can share how people can um get your book, your how they work with you, if they want to work with you, and all this stuff about you, and then we'll have some closing comments at the end.

Final Reframes And Encouragement

Valerie Greene 32:15

Yes, yes, yes. Um, one more thing to say is that like what makes um collaboration possible is the distinction that comes originally from nonviolent communication, but I think it's applicable to so many different um uh to everything is needs versus strategies. So it's like if I need if I think I need space and he thinks he needs connection, it's like those needs seem to conflict. But those are strategies, like the strategy is to take space in this moment, and the strategy is for me to connect in this moment. But if we look at like a strategy is a particular place, a particular location, a particular action, a particular time or a particular object, Plato is the acronym, um, then that's a strategy, not a need. And so it's like, well, if I'm if he's willing to be patient, you know, to give me space, then I'll connect with him later. So that's being collaborating around time. So it's learning how to tell if it's a need versus a strategy and then finding those win-win solutions. So I just wanted to say that because otherwise it occurs as like, how do you do that? But now, of course, I'm happy to talk about how people can find out more about me. Um, so it's pretty simple actually. My website is coachvalergreen.com. There's an e at the end of green. So that's c o-c-h-a-l-e-r-i-e, g-re-e-e-n-e.com. And on there, um, there's a there's just different tabs on the top. So um uh the products tab is how you get my online course or my book. Um, and I have a free gifts tab where I actually have four different free gifts depending on if you're a single woman or a woman in a relationship or a couple or um I have another book, um, Heal Your Blocks to um uh that uh that that's actually an excerpt of chapters eight and nine of my book about heal heal healing your blocks intimacy.

Tamara 34:21

Okay. Um yeah, great stuff. And then do you wanna I know you kind of well, yeah. Final thoughts, like takeaway for the listeners.

Valerie Greene 34:33

Yeah, well, just that, you know, a lot of people tell me, especially women that I coach in their 30s, like maybe I have to settle because I'll never find the right person. And it's always possible to find the right person if you're strategic. And if you clear your own blocks to intimacy, it's always possible to improve the relationship you're in if you clear your own blocks to intimacy and you learn how to have this collaborative mindset and build secure attachment. And it's always possible to find the right person for you if you're really strategic and dedicated. So I just want to let people know that we never have to settle. And at the same time, love is about giving unconditional love from your heart to the other person, and that when you do, the other person shows up differently. So then, you know, if you think you're with the wrong person, then it's about actually getting out of the negative cycle that you're in to figure out if you you're with the right person because how they're showing up now is not the the tr their true self. It's how they are when they're triggered, because this is how you are when you're triggered. So, you know, we need to repair that first before you decide if you're with the right person. So, you know, that's uh my advice for everyone in a nutshell.

Tamara 35:49

Yeah, and very true. Like you can definitely yeah, there's like triggered moments and normal moments or whatever. Like you can definitely tell the difference. At least I've experienced that for sure. So all right, well, thank you very much. It was a great information. And if you love this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well. And thank you again, Valerie, for being on. Yes, it's been a pleasure. Thank you so much. Yes, all right, thanks everyone. Bye. Bye. Frank talk! Frank talking dating educate.