How A Four-Step “F Yeah” Method Helps You Stop Settling And Choose Real Compatibility #129

We explore a practical four-step method to raise the odds of real connection in midlife dating, blending clarity with romance. Ian shares how a business blueprint became a personal roadmap that stops settling and protects energy.

• defining non-negotiables and nice to haves
• using low-investment milestones to test fit
• applying objective checkpoints after each date
• playing the odds without burning out
• recognizing deal breakers early
• knowing when it is a true yes
• pacing, consent, and safety on first dates
• where to get the F Yeah dating guide https://www.f-yeah.dating/

If you love this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well. And of course, follow the show

Transcript

From Business Blueprint To Dating

Tamara 0:00

Hello, it's Hamra here. Welcome to the show. Today's guest is Ian Shimandy. He's an author, speaker, and coach. Thanks for joining me, Ian.

Ian 0:08

Thank you, Tamara, for having me.

Tamara 0:10

How about we start with your background, your business background of and then how it circuit circuitously, what's that word? Circuitously.

Ian 0:19

Yeah.

Tamara 0:19

Thank you. Led you to talking about dating.

Ian 0:22

Sure. I created a business about 20 years ago called Blueprint. And it's based on a very simple methodology that I lead CEOs and their executive teams through, which is to define what makes a company uniquely remarkable, the one thing at their essence that makes them uniquely remarkable. And um, and our standard is to do it in seven words or less, and then you use that as a strategic filter to guide how you're going to operate and how you're going to communicate, so that all the activities of the organization become an extension of what makes that organization uniquely remarkable. So I did, you know, I did that for about 20 years, and then I created an individual version of that so that you as a person can define what makes you uniquely remarkable at your core, and then use that to guide your life. And so in this job that I have created for myself, part of what I have to do is see what you know all the underlying, you know, flesh them out, the underlying forces at play, and see how they fit together. And that's what that's you know what part of what I do in a blueprint. And so, you know, that's sort of the background that got me to where I am now. And I just applied that same, hey, you know, what are the underlying forces here and how can they be structured in a way that makes dating better for people who are in midlife? Because, you know, we never thought we'd be here. Yeah, and we're stuck in this, you know, dating app nightmare and coffee date nightmare. And finding your person, you know, is not an easy thing.

Tamara 2:23

Yeah, yeah. I'm lots and lots of complaints out there about the apps, and especially older dating too, because everything has changed, like everything you knew back when you dated, depending on how long you either have been married, divorced, or you know, all that stuff is yeah, it's a whole I meant I was in a Facebook group with like, I don't even know, 40,000 people, and they are all in there just you know clueless because it's so different, and they just yeah. Anyway, so and you were gonna talk about try trying to muddle through, yeah. Yeah, and I know you mentioned are gonna talk about your muddling through, or is it we're not there yet?

The Midlife Dating Struggle

Ian 2:58

Yeah, no, no, no. So um my marriage ended almost 14 years ago. Since then, I've had two relationships, one of five years and one of 10 years. So let's say half of the time since my marriage ended, um uh I've been single. And let's say throw out two more years for you know lamenting the end of those two relationships. And so I've you know, I've been out there, I've been, I've been, you know, pounding the pavement and doing all the stuff. You you you know, you go on to dating apps and you have a bit of a conversation and then you meet for a coffee or a walk or whatever. And I started to wonder, you know, oh, I know what it was. Sorry. What really started me down this path was after my first post-marriage relationship, I had a therapist who I was, you know, helping me with that. And she said, I think you need to know. Um, I think you need to have a better idea of what you're looking for. And I said, Well, I think I do have a pretty good idea, and she said, No, you don't. And so she gave me this exercise to do. And it was an exercise that helped me define very clearly what it is that I wanted, and that gave me a basis to say no, even when you know, the butterflies are flying and the chemistry is there, and you know, your brain is awash in endorphins, and you think you found the one. And so this gate gives you a way to do an objective evaluation first, and if you pass the objective evaluation, then chase the butterflies, right? But that's the problem, is that what we do is we meet someone, we get a sense of there's a fit, and if there's a vibe, we chase the butterflies. And what this system that I've put together does is it, like I said, it allows you to make sure that the fundamentals of what's going to be a good relationship between the two of you are in place first before you start chasing the butterflies. So I'm I'm just thinking about, you know, that what she led me through got me thinking about, okay, well, I can see how that will make my dating process better, just because I have clarity about who I'm looking for, and I have a means to say, yes or no, they fit the essential criteria for me.

unknown 6:07

Yeah.

Ian 6:08

And you know, so that was sort of step one, and then it evolved from there.

Therapy, Clarity, And Saying No

Tamara 6:13

Yeah, and were you not having success before then, and then you were, or like how did that how was the before and after well, what I had, I had success in chasing butterflies.

Ian 6:27

And that's what led to the two, you know, the five-year and the two-year relationship after my marriage. But you know, looking back, I can see that there were fatal flaws that were speaking to me very early on, that I stepped over because the butterflies were there. Yeah, I was falling in love, right? This this is my you know, this is my my my person, and it wasn't. And so I want to, you know, and I so I created this. What happened was I so let me let me just sort of give you the whole context. I started with step one, which was with my therapist, just figure out a way to figure out what I really want. And then I started thinking about more stuff, and there was there's sort of step two, step three, and step four. And I have crystallized those into what I call um the fuck yeah method. And the subtitle is You know, a practical guide for dating smarter in midlife. And I got so this whole notion of fuck yeah is a phenomenon that somebody else created, but it's an expression of, oh yeah, for sure. Right? Yeah, and that's the person that I'm looking for. I'm not looking for a person who's comfortable. I'm not looking for, you know, my best friend who I enjoyed doing activities with. I do want all that. But I also want someone that I'm madly in love with and who's madly in love with me. I want, I want the you know, the dream, the fantasy, that sort of thing. And so these four steps that I put together in the fuck yeah guide are things that you can do to increase your odds of finding your F yeah person, right? Yeah I'm not saying you'll find them faster. I'm saying you will increase your odds of finding your F yeah person, you will eliminate settling. Because you know exactly what you want in order to not settle.

Tamara 8:43

Yeah. Do you wanna are you gonna share the steps? Yeah, sure.

Introducing The F Yeah Method

Ian 8:47

Okay, so step one is um, like I said, is know your target. Step through uh two, I really can count. Step two is to um is to is to play the odds, is to play, is to play the numbers game, is to understand how to play the odds so that the odds are in your favor. Then step three is how to ensure that you don't settle. Right? And um, and then step four is well, how will you know? Right? How will you know when that is your F yeah person? And by the way, I'm not suggesting that in that first date all of this stuff will happen and you'll know that that is your F yeah person. No, there's a whole process that you have to go through. And if you follow these four principles, then what you do is you embark on a journey. I've got a I've got a graph in the guide, right? And I don't um this might be backwards to your, but you know, it's a graph that starts up going up sharply and then slowly you know gets more gentle as it goes along. And what that is, is the graph of your emotional, your emotional commitment to that person. And you know, the butterflies happen in the beginning, so the graph goes way up at the beginning, and then as you get to know the person more, your feeling for them becomes deeper, but that but you know, it starts to level off. And at any point in that graph, one or both of you can say, you know what? No, this is not for me. And so you drop off. I call it the drop-off graph. So if you think of a process like, okay, my first date is a coffee date, my second date is a walk, my third date is a brunch, my fourth, you know, a process where you're increasing sort of the investment level of what it is you're doing. Not a lot of investment to go to a coffee with someone, you know, spend an hour with them. Not a lot of investment to go for a walk with them, but maybe a little bit more than coffee. And then, you know, going to brunch even more than that. So I describe how you go from step to step to step. And of course, everybody's steps are different, but it doesn't matter. Whatever steps you are, you get to that step, you experience it, like a coffee date or a walk, and then you apply the four principles. And you say, Am I an F yeah if I'm at the coffee date with you and I apply the four principles and it all works out? That means, and I have some butterflies, that means I'm an F yeah to go to step two. I've made sure that the that the essentials for step one are in place, and now I'm ready to go to step two. So you go to step two, you go out and you know, you go out on a walk, you talk for you know an hour or two, whatever. And then when you're done and you evaluate again, are the essentials met? The essentials that I have predetermined are necessary for me to have an F yeah relationship with an F yeah person. They pass, go to the next step, go to the next step, go to the next step, and then you know, next thing you know, if you get through all the steps saying, F yeah, F yeah, F yeah, then you end up at your F yeah relationship. And and when you're there, you have the confidence of knowing that you've got the fundamentals in place, that the things that you said are essential for me to have the kind of relationship I want, you know that they're there because you've done the work to figure out what they are and to do the analysis all along the way. And I know this sounds so unromantic for a process that is done by, I mean, I'm a I'm a classic romantic, right? Um, and I hear all of this, and it doesn't sound very romantic to me, but it actually is. It actually is because it doesn't change the romance that happens in the steps along the way. I did not invent the steps along the way, right? Um, and the romance grows as the steps go on, but I'm just giving you a way to say at every milestone, are you an F yeah to go on to the next step? And this is what needs to be in place in order for you to say F yeah, it's objective, yeah. It's rigorous.

Tamara 13:27

And I assume you also list like when or when you're looking at all the analysis of what you don't want and do want, or do you focus more on like the absolutes you must have, and then you know there's more wiggle room, or do you have deal breakers as well?

Ian 13:40

Yeah, yes. So all of that, there's stuff where there's no wiggle room, and there's stuff where there's wiggle room. And I show you in that first step about how to separate you know the wiggle room from the no wiggle room, and um how to define wiggle room versus no wiggle room, and then how to manage that as you're going along the path, right, where you're experiencing these dating milestones of increasing intensity.

Tamara 14:11

Okay. And do you want to talk about how it's helped people? Do you have like testimonials, or do you want to just talk first about how to get a copy of this and start looking for themselves?

The Four Steps Explained

Ian 14:21

Okay, well, um, I will be very honest with you. I don't have a lot of testimonials. I do have a success story, but here's the reason why. I've been thinking about this for 10 years, and it started, you know, in a very sort of rudimentary form, and it crystallized over the years, and I became more certain about it because I was talking about it with all of my friends all the time who are also dating. So I got their input, I got their validation, that sort of thing. But I would also talk to dates about it. You know, I, you know, if it if it came up in the conversation, it didn't always come up, but if it came up in the conversation about, you know, how difficult it is to do dating at our age and that sort of thing, I say, well, you know, I created this method that I follow, and and I explain it to them, and then you know, they're interested and they discuss it, they give me their feedback. So all of this went on over a 10-year period until finally a couple of months ago, I said, Oh, I think I'm ready to write the guide. So I wrote it, but I have been I have been coaching um friends for uh through this for about two or three years. And um, you know, I've had friends who have found relationships, and we both know they're not right, and we both know they're not right because they violated one of the, you know, one of the principles in the in the guy in the uh in the method. And then I've got it, I've got a close friend who is just like head over heels in love. They've they're like 14 months in, they've moved in together. I'm looking for red flags, you know, little things that and it's like, no, these two are just head over heels in love with them. And I but I was coaching her very carefully, and I wouldn't let her settle. I kept made her stick to her guns, yeah. And so she went through a couple of guys that she thought might be it, and it's like, you know, we've you you know what you need in a relationship, and he doesn't have that, yeah. So so and and again, and I just want to reiterate once more before I go in go into how to find it, is that um this is not necessarily going to find help you find somebody faster, but it's going to help you find the person that you have defined you want, and it'll stop you from settling. And if that's what you want, right? Like if you want to find your person faster, I I can't do that for you. Because it's a it's not an easy process, you know that. But I can increase your odds, I can increase your probability by having you observe these four principles as you as you go through your dating process.

Tamara 17:28

Okay, yeah, now I'm ready to hear where you can find it.

Ian 17:32

Okay, so um uh it is at F-yeah. So just so you know, uh in the guide, I think on the first page I call it the fuck yeah method. And then I explain that I understand that that may be alienating to some people. So I refer to it as F yeah for the rest of the guide. F-yeah. And all you got to know is that uh I'm here talking about F yeah dating. So it's Fya dot dating. And you go there and you'll have a page that will explain in more detail what the guide's all about, and it's $14.99, right? It's $14, only $14.99 to increase the probability that you will find your soulmate. And it's like, wow, I'd I mean, if someone told me that they could wave a magic wand, I'd find my soulmate. I'd I pay a lot more than that. I'm not waving a magic wand, but I am saying I can increase your probability. So it's F-Yah, Y E A H dot dating.

Tamara 18:46

Okay, sounds very intriguing.

The Drop-Off Graph And Milestones

Ian 18:49

So and by the way, it takes an hour. So there's a ton of substance and discipline that's packed into one hour. You got you've got it all in an hour.

Tamara 19:04

Okay. As a guy dating in this world, like you want to just talk a little bit about um like what your friends have seen and gone through, and like or just what your thoughts in general, or is this, or we can just call it good here and have people go to you, find out about your book.

Ian 19:20

Yeah, I you know, you know what I would do? I would I'll send out a message to other men. I've talked to lots and lots of women about this. It's slow down and get to know them.

Tamara 19:39

Yeah, right?

Ian 19:40

Don't rush things along. It's this is this is I just thought of this as the most bizarre analogy. But when I put uh chicken legs on the barbecue, they stick to the barbecue as soon as I put them on. But when they're ready, they unstick themselves. And I know that if I try to turn those chicken legs before they're ready, they'll continue to stick to the barbecue. When they're ready, you'll know. So slow down.

Tamara 20:14

Yeah.

Ian 20:14

And and just let it unfold. You know, in a in a dating relationship, it's a woman who has all the risk. And you have to respect that. So just slow down and understand that unlike you as a male, there's a security issue that women have to factor in to their dating. Know that and respect it.

Tamara 20:40

Yeah, yeah, great advice. Yeah, there's yeah, all women know this, and not a lot of men do. So thank you.

Ian 20:47

Exactly, exactly. And I I hear complaints from women all the time about this.

Tamara 20:53

Yeah, they'll suggest something like, oh yeah, just come to my house. It's like, uh, like, or like meet us, meet me in the woods.

Ian 20:59

Yeah, yeah. I mean, if she goes to if you have a coffee date and she goes to hug you, or let's say she goes to give you a kiss on the cheek, for sure, return it. I would never initiate that that early in a relationship.

Tamara 21:16

Yeah. You know, yeah, or ask, which not a lot of people like, but yeah.

Ian 21:22

But again, you know, if you're at the point where you're ready to have a kiss at the end of the uh of whatever the date is, you'll know. You'll know, and if you don't know, that's a clue that this is not the time.

unknown 21:37

Yeah.

Ian 21:38

If you're uncertain, then that then I would say, wait, be patient.

Tamara 21:45

Yeah, I know. Oprah always says, when in doubt, don't yes, exactly.

Ian 21:50

Exactly. You'll get rewarded for patience. You won't get rewarded ever for impatience.

Tamara 21:56

Yes, yeah. I mean, yeah, and if if a woman doesn't want As well, she will let you know.

Ian 22:01

But if she'll let you know if you're going too slow, she'll let you know.

Non-Negotiables And Wiggle Room

Tamara 22:06

Yeah. Alright. Well, I will take it as that as your closing comment. All right. And then if you love this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well. And of course, follow the show. Thank you again, Ian, for being on.

Ian 22:21

Thank you, Tamara.

Tamara 22:23

All right. Thanks, everyone. Bye. Frank Talk! Frank Talk! Sex and dating educates.