A Match.com Scientist Explains How Singles Date Today #132

One statistic stopped us cold: a meaningful slice of American singles say they’ve had a “romantic relationship” with AI, not just a quick chat or a joke, but ongoing emotional companionship and intimate conversation. That’s where our conversation with Dr. Amanda Gesselman goes first, and it opens a bigger question about what connection looks like in 2026 when dating, sex, and technology keep colliding. Dr. Gesselman leads Sex and Relationship Science at Match.com and researches intimacy at the Kinsey Institute, so she’s not guessing, she’s working from the annual Singles in America survey. 

We get into how Gen Z, millennials, Gen X, and baby boomers differ on sexual activity, committed monogamy, and openness to non-monogamous relationships like open relationships and polyamory. We also talk about age gap relationships and what people actually say they’re looking for when they date someone 10+ years older or younger. Then we shift to porn use and the real-world impact many singles report: unrealistic expectations about bodies, doubts about sexual performance, and pressure that can follow people into new relationships. 

From there, we zoom out to dating strategies. Most singles say they’re open to a relationship, but far fewer are actively dating, and the apps are still the dominant path. At the same time, we hear signs of a swing back toward in-person meetups and a jump in people using professional matchmakers. We also unpack the “misconception gap” in heterosexual dating: men feeling assumed to want only casual sex, women feeling assumed to be materialistic, and how that misread creates burnout even while romantic optimism stays stubbornly strong. 

If you like research-backed dating advice with real numbers and real nuance, subscribe, share this with a friend, and leave a review so more people can find the show.

Transcript

Welcome And Guest Introduction

Tamara 0:00

Welcome to the Straight from the Sources of Mouth podcast. Frank talk about sex and dating. Hello, Tamara here. Welcome to the show. Today's guest is Dr. Amanda Gesselman. She's the director of Sex and Relationship Science at Match.com and a research scientist psychologist at the Kinsey Institute. Thanks for joining me, Amanda.

Amanda 0:20

Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to talk about this today.

How Intimacy Research Became Her Work

Tamara 0:23

Yeah, I'm definitely excited too. I'm curious to hear what every everyone else is doing. You know, everyone thinks they're the only ones doing things, so it'll be interesting to hear the difference. We can either start with how you got into all this or get right into the science of it all, whichever one you want to. Sure.

What Singles In America Measures

Amanda 0:39

Um, well, I can talk about how I came into the project, how I got into this if you want. Um, so I'm a psychologist and I'm not a clinician. So my role as a psychologist is to do research, and my main area is the way that people form intimacy, or the way that they look for intimacy, I should say. So I study people's romantic and sexual relationships, the way that they, you know, look for them, form them, keep them going, what happens after they break up, all those sorts of things. Um, so the project that we'll talk about today is called Singles in America. And it's something that I've been involved with since probably 2014 or 2015. It's a big project that we do every year. And it's focused specifically on people who are single in the US. So, you know, people who are going about their dating lives, or, you know, maybe they're just long-term single, but the uh the sort of goal of the project is to understand what's going on with people who are unpartnered in the US. What are they looking for, if anything? How are they going about it? What kinds of relationships have they had in the past? How does that how does that impact them going forward? Um, all those sorts of things. Okay.

Generations And Shifting Dating Norms

Tamara 1:51

Yeah, definitely sounds interesting. So we can jump right in. I I what I found interesting is just how the different generations approach it. Is that is that a big part of it or is like one of the a small sections?

Amanda 2:02

Yeah. Yeah. Every year we analyze the data looking at differences between men and women and also differences by age group. So like Gen Z, millennial, Gen X, and baby boomers. Um, because, you know, in our our own study and also lots of other research has shown that there's just a lot of shifting norms based on age groups. You know, the way that baby boomers used to date or used to find partners is so much different than how Gen X or millennials or Gen Z find their partners or even think about finding partners or, you know, what they want in a relationship, like um gender roles and that sort of thing. So we always look at differences by generation just because we know that they're gonna be there.

Tamara 2:47

Yeah, so what are some of the more interesting things as far as either the sex side or dating side and start on one and go the other, maybe?

Amanda 2:54

Um, so we do ask about sex every year, and um and we definitely asked about it this year as well. We ask about things like how often they've had sex in the last year, you know, what kind of sexual relationship they are hoping to find, or or you know, like what's their ideal sexual relationship. And then this year, because of you know, the sort of times that we're living in, we also asked about their use of AI in the context of dating and sex. And so what we found was that um, first of all, younger people, people who are in the Gen Z or millennial age range, are the most sexually active. They are having the most sex in terms of like the most occurrences and the most partners over the last year. Um, I believe a little bit less than 20% of baby boomers had had sex in the last year. Um and for Gen X, it was in the 40%, so I want to say, whereas for millennials and Gen Z, it was over 60% for both. Um so the younger generations are are having more sex. Um they're also uh more open to sexual relationships that aren't conventional. So across the board, everyone in every age group, the majority of people in every age group said that their ideal sexual relationship was within a committed monogamous relationship. But younger generations are more open to non-monogamous relationships, like open relationships or polyamory, or you know, casual sex without any dating commitment. And then finally, when we talked about AI or we asked about AI, I should say, um, we found that that was very concentrated specifically in the Gen Z age range. So I mean like um sexting with an AI chatbot or treating an AI as an actual romantic partner, um, that was more pronounced in our younger singles than our older singles.

Tamara 4:52

Okay. Yeah. I can I can see why the older generation wouldn't wouldn't do that. It just doesn't seem like you just know it's so fake as an older person. Sure.

Amanda 5:01

Yeah, I mean, there are lots of ways that AI feels can feel authentic these days, but I think one of the driving reasons that it's so concentrated in younger generations is that the uptake of any technology is more prevalent in younger generations. So when we're thinking about Gen Z or like Gener Generation Alpha or Zoomers, you know, they're just inundated with technology. They're using technology in so many different ways than I use it at my age as a millennial. Um, they're just more open to trying things. They're, you know, they're less likely to turn something down because it feels artificial. Um so yeah, I think there's there's just a different culture among them.

Tamara 5:43

Yeah. I mean, like you said, they definitely grew up with it, so it's not out of the norm. Exactly. And what are some like surprising things that you discovered from the survey, if anything, or or is it more of everything?

Age Gap Dating And Why

Amanda 5:58

Um, well, the survey has, I want to say, um, around 150 questions. So there are lots of different topics. Um, some surprising things that I found, um, just to go back to the AI thing, we did ask them whether or not they had ever had uh whether whether they had ever used AI as a romantic partner, meaning like you are in a relationship with AI rather than you know just talking to it like ChatGPT. Um and what we found there was that a little bit less than one in five American adults said yes to that. So um that was pretty substantial to me. And um, specifically in the Gen Z age range, it was around 33% of those people had had a romantic relationship with an AI, meaning they're, you know, they're relying on it for emotional companionship, they're having actual romantic or intimate conversations with it and repeatedly, not just one off. Um, so that was pretty surprising to me. Um, we also talked about age gap relationships earlier. We asked about whether or not people have ever dated someone who uh is 10 or more years younger or older than them. Um, I feel like age gap relationships have really had um, you know, sort of a place in the media over the past couple of years. There have been lots of Netflix movies and shows about that. And so we wanted to capture that and see how prevalent it is. Um we found was that um 34% of people had dated someone who was 10 or more years older than them. And that there wasn't that much of an of a gender gap there. So women and men were about equal in terms of having dated someone older. Um, and then on the flip side, 25% of people in our study had dated someone who was 10 or more years younger than them. Um and that one was more concentrated in men than women. So it was, I think 30% of men versus about 20% of women had dated someone younger.

Tamara 8:02

Okay. Yeah, it's surprising because it seems like all the older women I know are finally dating younger guys because all the men were doing that all along. So they were researching.

Amanda 8:12

Yeah, I've noticed that in the media for sure. There's definitely a concentration on like uh stories about an older woman and a younger man, I feel like. Yeah. Um, and you know, we asked them why. What what was it that you got from this? What made it appealing? You know, they're all single in the survey, right? So they're not still in those relationships. But um, we asked them, you know, what were the challenges, what were the benefits? Um and for people who dated a younger partner, a lot of it was physical chemistry, even, you know, like when we're thinking about gender stereotypes, typically we would think about an older man and a younger woman and that being very physically based and sexually based. Um, but even for women who were dating, you know, younger men, it was very focused around physical chemistry, sexual chemistry. They felt like a younger man had um a sex drive that was a better match to their own compared to men their own age. So those were huge advantages for them. Um, a lot of women in our survey also said that their younger partner, you know, had a bit more emotional intelligence than they would have expected, and that was a draw for them.

Porn Use And Its Side Effects

Tamara 9:18

You also asked them about porn. What was the main um gist of that one?

Amanda 9:25

Yeah, we did ask about porn. We don't ask a lot about porn, I'll say, but um, we asked them, you know, how often they watch porn, do you watch porn frequently, and whether or not um they are okay with their partners watching porn. Um, so what we found was that uh about 25% of singles in our survey said that they frequently watch porn, meaning they watch it multiple times a week. Um and about one in 10 men in our sample said that they watch porn every single day, which um was, you know, quite in contrast to women. So only 2% of women said that they watched it every single day. Um, so men in our sample are watching it more often, um, whereas women in our sample, only 2% were watching it every day, and a little bit over half of them said that they actually never watch porn in the last year. Um, and what we found on previous surveys is that women are more drawn to um like written types of erotica, like fan fiction or erotic fiction in in subcapacity, or just things that allow you to um imagine the way that people look or the what people are doing without it being visual. And I think a lot of that makes sense because a lot of the porn that's out there is made for a male audience in mind anyway. And so women are sort of picking up on the fact that this wasn't designed for them. Um we also asked about the ways that porn sets up expectations for people in terms of like the partners that they might go for. Um, so we asked, you know, is it impacting your um feelings about partners? Is it impacting your feelings about your own abilities? And a little bit over half of the people in our sample said that their previous experience with porn, you know, the porn that they've watched in the past, has impacted their expectations going forward. It's influenced specifically their feelings about their own performance or skill in a negative light. So it's made them feel bad about the ways that they perform or, you know, how skilled they are with a partner. Um, they also said it's impacted their expectations for their own partner's skills, again in a negative way. And it's impacted the ways that they think a sexual partner should look. Like, you know, once you've taken your clothes off, there's maybe a bit of dissatisfaction with the way that a real body looks compared to um a body in a video. Um, yeah, so there are lots of um, we found, you know, not all porn is negative, but we did find um quite a few instances of people feeling like porn has had some negative impacts on their life.

Intentional Celibacy And Better Vetting

Tamara 12:16

Yeah, I could definitely see that. And I know another area is celibacy. And you said that.

Amanda 12:23

Yeah, so we did look at celibacy this year, um, and we asked people whether or not they were intentionally celibate, meaning like, you know, there's a difference between not having sex in the last year and then purposefully choosing not to have sex in the last year. Um so what we found was that uh 36% of singles in our sample reported that they were purposefully choosing to be celibate over the last year. Um, and that was that was a place where there was a generational difference. So about one in three Gen Z singles said that they had chosen to be celibate versus a little bit more than half of boomers. So it's something that's more concentrated as singles get older. They're purposefully choosing not to have sex for various reasons. Um, and uh interestingly, people who are voluntarily celibate but are still trying to find a dating partner, um, most of them report that it hasn't impacted their dating life. So it's not getting in the way. It's actually helping them sort of recalibrate and help them form better connections with their dating partners before they factor in sex. So, like, you know, they're able better able to suss out whether or not this is a good partner for them before they bring the sort of complications of a sexual relationship into that.

Tamara 13:45

Yeah, definitely. I've had several episodes about that where the longer you wait, the more you actually know someone and you know if you're a good fit before you get all confused with a sex hormones going on.

Amanda 13:56

Yeah, exactly.

Tamara 13:57

Yeah.

Amanda 13:58

And that's not to say that, you know, people who choose to be celibate are uninterested in sex. Um the the overwhelming majority of them, over 90% of people who are voluntarily celibate, still said that sexual chemistry is hugely important to them in their relationships. They're just not necessarily physically acting on it. You know, they're sussing that out in some other capacity.

Tamara 14:22

Is there more about sex or should we go into the relationship dating side of it?

Amanda 14:29

Um is there something that you want to start with?

Tamara 14:31

Um well, I know you mentioned younger are more open.

Amanda 14:34

I guess I don't know if there's more to say about that in general or so we asked people whether or not they're looking for a relationship and the strategies that they're going about finding them and the types of relationships that they're looking for. Um and so what we found was that across the sample, regardless of age, about 75% of people are open to finding a relationship, with only about a quarter of them actively doing something about it, like you know, going on dates or using dating apps or what have you. Um so that's 25% of the American single population as a whole. Um, but specifically the younger generations, there are, as you would expect, I think, um, more of more younger people looking to find a partner right now. That number is uh much higher than it would be in Boomers or in Gen X, um, specifically people who have you know other responsibilities like taking care of kids or taking care of their aging parents or you know, having a full-time job. Um, so younger people are more likely to be actively seeking a partner, and their strategies are a little bit different than older people. So across the board, across ages, using online dating apps is the top way that they're trying to find partners. Um, but people who are in the Gen Z or millennial age range are also more likely to be doing in-person strategies, like in combination. So they are trying to go out to bars or coffee shops or book clubs or bar trivia or what have you and actually bring back in-person meetups, which I feel like has become sort of a rarity in today's society. Um, you know, as dating apps have sort of come on the market since the early 2010s, we've really shifted towards uh meeting everybody online and having most of our interactions online. Um, but it does seem that the younger singles in particular are trying to shift back to assessing people face to face before making that uh move. Um they're also more likely to be looking for some kind of relationship that is non-monogamous. Um, so what we found in the past is that about 21% of singles in the US have had an open relationship in the past. Um and uh about between 15 and 20% are interested in pursuing one in the future. Um and we found that again this year, and that's particularly emphasized with Gen Z singles. They are more interested in seeking out those kinds of relationships. Um, it doesn't mean they're uninterested in monogamy, but they are open to lots of different avenues for relationships compared to older generations.

Tamara 17:47

Yeah, I can see that. And you said there's 150 questions. Are there like is it all these three main topics in every different way? Or like what are some of the unique questions you guys ask?

Social Media, Rom Coms, And Parents

Amanda 17:59

Or yeah, so the overall goal of the survey is to understand who's looking for relationships, what kinds of relationships, what they're doing about it, that sort of thing. But we also ask questions about different things that might get in the way. Um, so this year we were particularly interested in understanding the sort of gendered gap between um specifically heterosexual men and women. There's been a lot of um a lot of media stories and debate over the last couple of years about the sort of like changing preferences in partners, like the rise of the sort of trad wife influencer and how that um is so different from previous years where you know women's like, you know, wanting like a boss babe or whatever, like um women who are independent and you know uh power couple-y kind of things. Um so we were really interested in looking at whether or not there is this sort of growing gap between what heterosexual women and men want and the way that they're perceived. Um, so this year we asked about that, and we found that specifically within our heterosexual singles sample, um, 70% of men and women there felt like there's some sort of growing divide where, you know, they're trying to date the opposite sex or the opposite gender, and there's just something that's getting in the way that's keeping them from effectively communicating with one another. Um, and that it seems to be getting worse and worse and worse. So, in particular, they report that um that they can see that difference, that they can see that sort of divide or that like miscommunication in the ways that people are behaving when they first match on a dating app or first, you know, start texting one another. And the expectations that the other one has when they go to a date, when they first meet face to face, is also sort of becoming um a challenge to navigate. So we dug into that, and what we found was that a lot of heterosexual men and women are reporting that there are just these misconceptions about them that seem to be really ingrained in the dating culture now. Um, so for men in particular, um, they report that they feel like all women that they meet on dating apps think that they're only interested in sort of a casual sex relationship when many of them are actually looking for a committed relationship. And, you know, we we can sort of like double check that in our survey, right? Because we asked them what they're looking for and they most of them are in fact looking for something long-term and committed. Um, but they say that that particular misconception is um prohibiting them from having an emotional connection, um, especially in combination with the one of the other top misconceptions about men, which is that they feel like women think that they lack emotional intelligence. Um, so there's something happening for men in particular where they feel like they're not expected to or allowed to engage in um any kind of deep emotional or authentic conversation with women, that it's it it seems to women that it's coming out of sort of coming out of left field and and weird for them to be doing that. Um, and then on the flip side, women report that a lot of the men that they encounter on dating apps are thinking that they are expecting to find someone who's gonna sort of provide for them in kind of like a, for lack of a better phrase, kind of like a gold-digger-y way, where they're looking for what men can give them rather than any kind of actual relationship. Um, that they're very materialistic, that they're out to take men's money, essentially, and that that is creating that sort of same barrier for them, like sexes for men. Um, so when we ask them, you know, the the sort of fallout from that, what's the consequence? About 85% of them said that it's made dating a lot harder for them over the last year. It's made them kind of want to wash their hands of it, like to get off of it and stop trying. Even though they very much want a relationship, it's sort of standing in the way. And they see this becoming just a growing and growing problem rather than something that they can figure out how to navigate past. So that is a seems to be a huge problem, specifically for people who are online dating. We also asked a lot of things about other types of barriers or obstacles to relationships. So for instance, we asked about the influence of different types of media on their relationship expectations. And we also asked even about their the ways that their parents' relationships impacted their current expectations for a partner and the ways that they could handle it. And what we found was that in particular social media and romantic media, like uh like fairy tales and romantic comedies and things like that that we all grew up with, uh, people really feel like that's impacted their ability to healthily navigate the dating landscape. So people feel like those sorts, uh specifically romantic media, has given them this misconception that they should be looking for like a perfect match rather than someone who's real and that they can sort of grow with and, you know, adapt to and that sort of thing. Um, and then in particular, people who grew up in a sort of tumultuous environment where their parents weren't necessarily in a happy relationship with one another. Um, about a third of singles in that situation reported that that has made it very hard for them to trust and commit to partners going forward as an adult. And it's also made it really hard for them to know when it's right to end a relationship that doesn't feel healthy.

Tamara 24:24

Yeah, I can see all of that for sure. I have a lot of episodes about you know just the differences between men and women and how how we communicate. And like I think the mis the one misperception that you talked about with the providing for for women, for a man to provide, it doesn't necessarily mean financially, it just means like be making them feel safe and taking care of them, you know, and taking the initiative and doing in my mind the the you know male role, gender role. But I think men take it as all financial. So and then of course, yeah, for I've heard from the apps when men are first talking, they talk about sex early on, so women automatically think that's all they want. When they're just trying to you know suss out compatibility, they don't mean like right now, they're just saying like in general.

Amanda 25:13

Yeah. I think a lot of those problems could be solved if we could figure out how to get people to communicate more and more clearly.

Tamara 25:21

Yeah.

Amanda 25:22

But I think that's a society-wide problem, not just like a dating app problem, you know? Like communication is hard.

Hopeful Singles And Love Beliefs

Tamara 25:29

Yeah, yeah, definitely. Yeah. I mean, as there's were there some that were like super optimistic, or is that kind of rare? Or like, are there any of them at least that like love dating?

Amanda 25:40

And I yeah, I think it's really interesting because we did find all of these barriers, these sort of obstacles and challenges. And, you know, we also found things like uh, you know, a proportion of them feel really burnt out with dating after being on the apps and things like that. But interestingly, even though there's all of these sort of I don't know, bleak headlines, I guess we could say, um, there's also a lot of romantic optimism and kind of idealism going on. Um so uh, you know, the majority of the singles in our sample reported that they still want a long-term relationship. Um over 70% of them believe that they can find a love that will last forever for the rest of their life. Um majority of them, over half of them, reported that they often um daydream or, you know, just like think about a long-term partnership or a marriage for themselves. Just sort of, I don't know, um, having this very positive fantasy in their head that they like to um draw on to escape their daily life, which I think is really nice. Um, many of them still want to get married and have children. Um, you know, there's a lot of hope still happening. A lot of them, almost uh not almost, a majority of them believe in love at first sight, and they believe that's possible for them. So there's still a lot of optimism going on that interestingly isn't really um doesn't really differ by gender, doesn't really differ by age. Um, it's just that, you know, they're facing these sorts of challenges in getting there. So a lot of them still believe that they can get there. They're just not quite sure how what the journey looks like.

Tamara 27:28

Yeah. And I a lot of my episodes are coaches that help with that kind of stuff, you know. Like seeing like what is in the way of you getting what you want, you know, like I had just had a an interview with people about flirting and like how to, and she didn't even want to call it flirting, like just showing interest, you know, and just like letting the other person know. And like you said, communication is huge too.

Active Listening And Matchmaker Rise

Amanda 27:49

So yeah, interestingly, um, that reminds me of two things from the survey. So, first, we asked people, you know, like what's what's your strategy for drawing people in for you know communicating your interest, and uh larger portion of them said just interested listening, you know, like active listening, letting the other person know that you are uh engaged and following along and that you want them to keep talking to you and you want to know what they say, which I think is so simple, so basic, but necessary. And I just think that that's I I love to see a resurgence of that. Um, and then the other thing is every year we ask people, you know, what's your strategy for finding a partner? And largely it's always online dating. Um, but this year we found that about 10% of singles have turned to a professional matchmaker over the last year, which is, I mean, you know, one in ten isn't necessarily that large of a proportion, but in past years it's been like two or three percent. So it's uh kind of a jump up this year, um, this past year I should say. And I think that it's is signaling that people are realizing that they could use a bit more professional help, um, that they could use someone to help guide them through the process. And I'm really interested to see whether or not that increases again next year. Um, you know, whether or not that's gonna be sort of a booming business next next September. Yeah.

Tamara 29:21

Yeah, I actually I interviewed a matchmaker who, you know, like matchmaking.com, and she said the same. Like, and women uh for heterosexual relationships or maybe both, I'm not sure. They get to go on the they're in the database for free. And then men are the ones that pay. But then obviously the more women they have, the better they can match people.

Amanda 29:40

So Right.

Tamara 29:41

Yeah, it's definitely becoming more of a thing.

Amanda 29:44

Yeah, I think that that's important. I think you know, there are lots of ways that we could uh improve our life if we just reached out for a little bit more help. So I think that's really interesting. Um and I I would be really interested to see if more singles turn to that next year.

Grace, Final Thoughts, And Goodbye

Tamara 29:59

Yeah. That and in in-person stuff, like you said too. I think everyone's kind of over the online apps. Yeah. All right. Well, is there anything you wished I would have asked, or are is this a good place to just give some like final thoughts or I don't know. What do these usually sound like? Yeah. I mean, I guess we could leave it with, you know, there is hope. Like there's 70% of people want a relationship and everyone knows everyone lots of people want it, they just don't know how to do it. So give people the benefit of the doubt, you know, like give people a break, be give them second chances, third chances if they, you know, the help we talked about the ick factor in another episode. You know, just like give everyone a break, and everyone this is everyone's struggling with this, so you know, there's have some hope. Everyone wants a relationship, just keep at it.

Amanda 30:47

Yeah, I think that's a great point. I think that that's something that we found year over year over year in our survey that people are really trying to find a partner, and most of them are willing to give second and third chances to figure out whether or not you could be a good connection for them, whether or not you have good chemistry with them. People are just, you know, there's there's lots of reasons that it might sound depressing in various, you know, headlines, but people are really hopeful, they are really optimistic, and they are really trying. So I would hope that, you know, going forward, people would give a little bit of grace and spend a little extra time seeing whether or not it's a good fit.

Tamara 31:28

Yeah, definitely. And check out Logan Uri from Hihinge as well. I know she has some good stuff. Um, tons of people out there do. But all right, well, thank you again, Amanda. And if you love this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well. And I appreciate you being there. Thank you. Thank you so much. All righty, thanks everyone. Bye. Right dog, right, good.