Why I’d Risk Embarrassment Rather Than Live With Regret

We explore resilience as private devotion, how to stay loyal to art and truth without external validation, and why choosing expression over silence protects aliveness. Death work, theater, motherhood, and the athlete-of-joy mindset shape a practical path back to self-trust and creative fire.

• resilience as the unseen training for joy
• death, annihilation and the cost of silence
• the regret portal as a signal that you still care
• theater as temple and a call back to art
• motherhood, identity and making space to create
• Elena Truths: art vs self-abandonment, embarrassment vs silence, resilience as devotion
• practical tools: 15-minute creative devotion, one boundary weekly, one uncomfortable truth, move your body, ask what you’d regret not attempting

Journaling Prompts

1. Where have I abandoned myself in order to maintain harmony?
2. If I knew embarrassment wouldn’t kill me, what would I create?
3. What version of me am I grieving right now?
4. What am I afraid will happen if I succeed?
5. What is one non-negotiable creative act I can commit to weekly — even if no one responds?
6. Am I measuring my value by revenue, validation, or devotion?
7. What would “training as an athlete of joy” look like this month?
8. If I look back five years from now, what would I regret not attempting?

If you feel called, it would mean so much if you could go ahead and, you know, drop us a review, maybe throw us a couple of stars. If there are five of them, even better.

Transcript

Season Focus On Resilience

Elena Box 0:31

Welcome to the Ode to Joy Podcast, a show where we talk about joy. How do we cultivate it? How do we maintain it? And what are the things that get in the way? I am your host, shamanic practitioner and death duela, Elena Box, coming to you with another very special episode from our season, all about resilience. I hope you enjoy. And I hope that this conversation is useful to you, as with everything that I do. I really hope this is touching your heart in a way that is going to be of use for you in your life. That's what the name of the game is. And here we are. So I hope you have maybe a nice little beverage. Maybe you are doing something that feels really nourishing for you. Maybe you're on a walk, maybe you're just stretching out on the ground, maybe you're on a nice, like you know, a little drive. Uh, wherever this episode reaches you, I'm very, very happy you are here. So from my heart to yours, welcome, welcome, welcome. So if you are just tuning into this season on the show, the whole name of the game for this season on the Ode to Joy podcast is all about resilience. And so we're talking about cultivating resilience so that we can come into greater joy more regularly. And we've been talking about this whole concept that I've been really kind of jazzed about, which is talking about being an athlete of joy, which feels really good, especially with everything that's been going on with the Olympics. Uh, we have been seeing how authenticity and joyful expression is gold, quite literally. And in this episode, I want to talk about the kind of resilience that is not the shiny kind. Okay. This is the kind of resilience that you build when there is no applause. Okay. So we haven't won the gold. This is the behind the scenes work. Today we're talking about staying loyal, okay, to your art, your truth, and your joy, even when nobody understands it, even when the people closest to you don't see the vision. Now, this episode isn't about blaming anyone. It's about what happens internally when your becoming isn't externally validated. So, this is about, you know, what do we do behind the scenes when we aren't taking center stage and, you know, getting the gold medal and all of these things. This is the work behind the scenes. I don't know if you heard that, my friend, but there was a huge crash and we don't know what it was. But I think we're on to something really important when spirit comes through with some kind of explosion like that. We'll see. We'll find out later, but we're gonna keep going. We're gonna keep recording the episodes. So interestingly, you know, I'm a death dueler. That is my trade. That is the work that I do is really centered around really death. And when I thought about this, all of the work that I do around death, it's around really confronting your own annihilation. And all of us, I'd say for the most part, have a fear of death and annihilation. It is that ceasing to exist. And that annihilation can also come in many different ways. So I think a huge part of what so many of us face is this fear of sharing your truth. And I talked a little bit about this in last week's episode. It was super edgy for me. And speaking our truth can be really edgy because there is that fear of embarrassment, the fear of being misunderstood, the fear of being dismissed. You know, somebody doesn't like what they have to, what, what you have to say, and they're just like, yep, no, I'm good. I'm unsubscribed and I'm hitting that unsubscribe button. And that is hard to take, right? Uh, being told your your truth, whatever it is your dreams are that they're not practical. Uh, being told that it doesn't make sense. And I also wanted to talk about the other kind of annihilation. And this one is a little bit more under the surface. And this is, you know, the one that happens when you don't share, when you don't allow yourself to speak your truth, to do your art, to be the most embodied version of yourself. It's when you shrink, when you stop creating, when you make yourself more digestible. Now I want to really state something super clearly here. Both paths feel like death. Only one leads to aliveness. We just gotta let that one land. Both paths feel like death, only one leads to aliveness. So I want to talk about a portal, which you guys know, if you've been here for a while, we love to talk about portals. So I want to talk about the regret portal. Now, I don't know if you guys have ever seen that photo of the person who who got the tattoo, and it said they were trying to spell no regrets, but they spelled it no regrets, and I just love it because that's just, that's just, you know, my biggest goal in life is to not have regrets. You know, I think a lot about death and I think a lot about the life that I want to lead and and how I want to feel. Hopefully, when I reach the end of my life, is that I've really done all the things that I wanted to do and I have lived the most authentic, uh, expressed life that I possibly could. Um, and we know from experience, from sitting with the dying, that that is often one of the most um expressed um things when people are meeting the end, is the regret of just perhaps even caring too much about what other people thought and and not being their most authentic self. So I wanted to share something that is also just, yeah, near and dear to my heart. I had this experience the other night. I went to go see a Broadway show and I went to go see O'Mary. Now, oh my gosh, if you are in the New York area, go to see it. Do yourself a favor. We went to see O'Mary. Now, I don't even have to tell you so much about the show, other than then it's a farce, it's a comedy, it's brilliantly written, brilliantly performed. And we were in, I am not kidding, the nosebleeds of the nosebleeds, okay, upper upper balcony. And we're talking, this was like a triple deck of the old theater, the Lyceum. And we were in like the nosebleeds, second to last row. Great, greats, great seats, great price. And I felt something that often happens to me when we're in the theater. And if you don't know, my training is in theater performance acting that is and has always been the through line of who I am as a soul, is is all about um uh, oh my goodness, emoting, emoting and uh really creating, I think, so much of what we experience when we're in the theater is that it really is a temple and a sacred space. And that was, you know, having not been been raised with a religion that was um my first real church was the theater. And I think there's something that's so magical so often when I do go to any theater in New York State. I don't even care if I see something that is terrible. Being in those theaters in New York, anywhere in the world really, but there is such history in those walls and the performances that happened in those walls, and you can really feel this sense there, especially right before the show's about to begin and the lights are about to dim, and there's this, you know, expectation and there's this excitement and this buzz, and you're and you're sort of, you know, taking a look at everybody and just maybe and it's just such magic of what happens, especially in in shows where perhaps it's it's it's uh confronting really deep emotional territory and terrain. You feel that magic. And I have to tell you, dear listener, I mean, you're here, you're my voice is coming to you. How, how, how, how's it going? But, but, but uh, that struck something so deep within me. And perhaps you know, if you don't know now, you're about to know. You know, I put a lot of my performance on the side, the back burner, one could say, when my dad went into hospice and when my dad passed, and I went into this really deep portal of really studying spirituality, studying shamanism, studying death. I became a death doula. I've gone so deeply into this work. And recently I did start to do my comedy again, my performance, and it felt so great. And then things shifted again, and now I'm in this new state of motherhood, and I feel so jazzed and so fired up about creating and art. And what I spoke to recently was about how we are in a time now, specifically politically, where art matters, poetry matters, music matters, written word, visual art matters. We need the artists right now because the artists are the ones who can try to make sense of what's going on. And I truly have always believed if you can make somebody laugh, you can make them think. And I think comedy is one of the best tools that we have to create change. So, going to see this show, there's a reason I'm telling you this story. I started tearing up. We were in the noseweeds. I know I'm telling you, we were in one of those stages in the theater where, like, if you tripped and fell, like you're done. We were that far up. And my husband turned to me and he looked at me right before the show is about to begin. And this is the first play he's ever seen in his life. He was like, Is this what you want? And I start crying, and I was like, Yes, like, yes, this, it's exactly this. And it struck this chord within me, which was this regret portal. And I felt this ache. I felt this fear that life is passing me by. Okay. So I'm just curious for you, listener. I'm gonna bring it back around to you. So let's check in with your heart. I'm really curious and please let me know. Have you ever felt that you missed your window? Like you're behind, like you made choices that boxed you in. So I want to just say resilience isn't pretending that you don't feel that. You know, listen, I'm all about the manifestations and I'm all about the affirmations, but we can't just pretend that we don't feel what we feel when something aches within us and that regret portal shows its face to us. Instead, it's about feeling it and still showing up. So regret to me is often a signal. And it's not that you failed, but it's that you still care. So what I felt the other night was this stoking of this little ember in my heart that tells me this still matters to my heart to such a huge degree. And that's gonna bring us to Elena Truth number one. This one's big, so take notes. And here it is. If I abandon my art to keep the peace, I abandon myself. Huge. If I abandon my art to keep the peace, I abandon myself. Huge, huge, huge, huge. So we want to talk about like this slow erosion of trust within ourselves. And the truth is the whole world can abandon us, okay? Everybody can turn our backs to us, but I think the most important thing that we have is trust within ourselves. So here I am committing to recording this podcast every single week because that's the pact that I made to myself and I'm so at my best. We had a little bit of a stomach bug the last couple of weeks, and it's been an intense time. But I want to talk about the subtlety of self-betrayal and how easy it is to just justify stepping back. And for me, yeah, I justified, okay, couple last couple of weeks, it was a tough time. You know, I'm in a space now where I'm lucky if I get to carve out 15 minutes to come and sit at my computer, answer an email, answer a text, you know, post on social media, that's a whole can kabodle. I'm trying to wrap my head around, you know. End of the day, I'm like, I'm tired. It's so easy to just justify stepping back. Okay. You know, for me right now, financially, things things could be, things could be coming in a little bit more nicely. Sure, sure. I would like to be a little bit more busy. You know, there is that idea of, well, it's just not making money. So it doesn't make sense, especially, right? Especially when it comes to art. My God. I mean, hello. Or, or that phrase, you know, now's just not the time. Or maybe later, right? So for me, sometimes, you know, baby goes to bed, we go into the sauna, I'm tired afterwards. Like, well, maybe later. So let me just phrase this in a way that is going to really resonate. There will always be a practical reason to quit. The real question is what does quitting cost your soul? Yeah. What does quitting cost your soul? My big take a sip of that latte, okay? Have a bite of that baguette. We gotta talk about being an athlete of joy. So this is where we're shifting things around, and we're gonna talk back up, we're gonna bring it back to reframing it around being an athlete of joy. So, this is something that has been really helpful for me in this moment, you know, where I literally woke up the other night after seeing the show. I woke up at 5 a.m. Of course, my daughter woke me up first because I was crying, but she went back to sleep and I didn't. I was wired. And that's how you know a good piece of theater when it keeps you up at night. And I have just been living in this place of my gosh. And, and, and, and what's next? And how can I sort of uh feed upon this, this mana, this soul essence of this experience of being super fired up and having that regret portal touched and being in this place of discomfort. And I've been thinking about those athletes, those Olympic athletes, and how athletes train for discomfort. Okay. Athletes train for no visible progress. Athletes train for repetition, right? I don't know about you, but did you wash the figure skating? And can we just talk about the fact that those athletes did those routines many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many times? And maybe the time that they do it in front of all the judges and the world stage is the one where they fall flat on their ass and they're like, well, I have done it perfectly. How many times, right? Or it's the one where they they nail those triple dip flips and they do the damn thing, right? But they have trained for repetition. They've trained for it. They've also trained for plateaus, okay? So that happens also in training. Sometimes you're training, you're getting better, better, better, better, better. And then sometimes you just plateau. And they also train for doubt. So, so, and we just want to say also, by the way, just because they didn't make it to the gold in that specific performance doesn't make them any less of an athlete and any less good at what they do and who they are. So, this season, this might just be about conditioning. You don't just train for the medal ceremony, you train for the days that no one sees. You don't just train for the medal ceremony, you train for the days that no one sees. So maybe your marriage is feeling strained. Maybe your creative work isn't landing in the way that you've been wanting to. Maybe your body doesn't feel like yours. I know a lot of moms postpartum, that is a very real thing for them. Uh, maybe motherhood even just swallowed your identity. Hello, ding ding. Help, save me. You know, I mean, we lose so much of ourselves in motherhood. And maybe you're in a season of life where you feel invisible. And this is the training. So we're gonna come to Alena Truth number two. The fear of embarrassment is ego death, but so is silence. Ooh, we're gonna say it again. The fear of embarrassment is ego death, but so is silence. So sharing might kill the version of you that needed approval. That part of you, that people pleaser, that part of you, if you share your truth, we're gonna kill it off. We're killing off that part of us that needed approval. And it's easier said than done. And every time we take a step out, we're doing a little bit more to kill off that part of ourselves. Now, silence kills the version of you that needed expression. Silence kills the version of you that needed expression. So, to me, when I have those moments where that little ember in my heart is stoked and I feel that, you know, there's so much that wants to be expressed. If I stay silent, I'm killing that part of myself. So the question really becomes which death are you choosing? It's big, it's really big. Let's take it to a lend of truth number three. Resilience is private devotion. Resilience is private devotion. So this is the training, my friend. It's about what are the prayers that you are doing behind the scenes? That maybe you're not, you know, you're not filming it, you're not going viral, you're not getting the immediate, you know, validation from the likes and the whoo doing great. We love those prayers. We love what you're doing. You know, it's not the huge wave of income. It's the establishing that trust within yourself. What are your non-negotiables of how you're showing up for yourself to stoke that fire, to feed that ember, to give it a little bit more kindling. And what does it need? And it might be super simple. So for me today, it's recording this episode. So for me, it's writing a page in my journal. For me today, it's taking a walk. For me, it's keeping a promise that I made to myself. And these are micro loyalties. So check in with yourself. What are your non-negotiables, right? What are the ways in which you can stay true to yourself and what you need to do to stay alive within that expression of what feels fired up and like is a is a real life or death need for your soul? Let's bring it into some practical tools. Here we go. Here's a couple tangible things because I know we've been getting pretty heady, man, and we gotta bring it down to some tangible actions. So here we go. Number one, we're gonna create 15 minutes of creative devotion daily. And now what does that mean to you? What are 15 minutes of creative devotion for you? Is it putting pen to paper? Is it getting out your pastels? You know, is it hitting maybe record and doing a little dancy or shoot, don't even record it, like choreograph a little dance or whatever that feels like whatever feels like it's feeding that part of you. What is your creative devotion? Now remembering we're treating this as an act of devotion. Okay. So really treat it with that reverence because this is this is your soul we're talking about. This is your heart. These are, it's not just that, these are the gifts that you were given here when you came to earth. And so don't turn your back on that part of you. Don't turn your back on that part of you. And you know what that means? This is bringing us to number two of practical tools. Setting boundaries. Because, like I said in the beginning of this, some people might not understand. Other people cannot, because they don't know, they can't have a real window into your soul. Of course, the art we do, it serves to have to be really a portal into our souls. But even then, people can't fully understand it. So that might mean setting boundaries and saying, listen, you know, one time a week, 15 minutes, whatever it is, or 50 minutes a day, you know, this is my time just for me. This is my devotional act for me. This is sacred. So number two is one boundary spoken per week. Stay true to yourself. Number three, one uncomfortable truth, express it, whatever that means to you. Number four, move your body to remind yourself you exist so often, especially when we get stuck in these ruts of the daily rhythm of life, the daily to-dos, the washing dishes, the groceries, the cooking dinner, the whatever it is, we can get really stuck in our heads. And our body is the best tool that we have to remember that we are human, to remember that we are a soul embodying a body. So move it around, shake it out, put on a piece of music or go for a walk. We'll have a little walkie. Number five, this is a big one. Ask yourself, what would I regret not attempting? What would I regret not attempting? So just an FYI. I'm not reading them out loud this time, but we have some really awesome journaling prompts in the show notes. So please, if your practice of devotion this week is as simple as getting your journal out, pick a couple of prompts and put pen to paper. Keep the pen rolling, keep it scrolling across the page. Don't pause until you're done. Maybe set a timer for your 15 minutes. Minutes and just do it. Try it out. Maybe do one. Maybe even just sit there. Think about your answer, right? Light a candle. Make it cute. So I just want to close it out. I'm so happy that you've been along for the ride. And we're going to bring it home by just saying that maybe resilience isn't about being supported. Maybe it's about becoming the kind of woman, the kind of person who supports herself, who supports themselves. Maybe the vision was never meant to be understood at the beginning. Maybe the lack of applause is part of the initiation. And so I'm going to leave you with this. I would rather risk embarrassment than live with regret. And I'm training. I'm an athlete of joy, even when no one sees it. So, my friend, my fellow athlete of joy, I see you. I love you. I'm celebrating you. I'm over here clapping for you. And you might not hear it. You might not even see it. And I'm here cheering you on. And what you do, your art, your truth, your life, that ember within your soul, those gifts that you came down to earth with, those are important. Really, really important. That is the gift that we all have to help heal ourselves, each other, and the world. And what a joy. What an absolute joy it is to be alive. So here I am. Just so you know, I'm giving a little gold medal, A plus, A for the day. You got through the whole episode. And I hope this carries you through. I will talk to you again very soon. This has been another episode of the Ode to Joy podcast. It is my sincere joy to bring you these episodes every week. And listen, if you feel called, it would mean so much. If you could go ahead and, you know, drop us a review, maybe throw us a couple of stars. If there are five of them, even better. And just sending you so much love. I'll talk to you again very soon.