The Illusion of Control (and Why It’s Exhausting You)

You can be disciplined, capable, and doing “all the right things” and still feel wrung out. That’s the tell. I’m pulling apart the illusion of control and the sneaky way it turns love into pressure, ambition into tension, and responsibility into burnout. I’m coming to you raw: a sick week, a house full of termites, financial stress, and a long hospital day supporting my mom through heart surgery. Life is not neatly packaged, and neither is resilience.

We talk about the belief that keeps so many of us stuck: if I just do it better, market it better, plan it better, then the outcome will finally be safe. I share what it’s like to realize people still don’t know about work you’ve poured your soul into and how that can trigger the urge to control the narrative. From there, we move into humility, not as making yourself small, but as releasing the need to orchestrate everything and letting your life be lived through you. We ground it in simple, embodied practices, from noticing tension in the body to practicing letting go in everyday choices.

Because death is always the sharpest teacher, we also go there. As a death doula, I explain why control doesn’t just exhaust us in life, it can make death harder too. I offer three core truths, plus journaling prompts to help you loosen your grip, build trust, and find your way back to joy even when you can’t know what happens next. If this lands, subscribe, share it with someone who’s carrying too much, and leave a review with a few stars so more people can find the show.

THREE ELENA TRUTHS

• You are not exhausted from doing too much—you are exhausted from trying to control too much
• The work is not to master life, but to meet it as it unfolds
• The way you practice letting go now is the way you will meet death later

JOURNALING PROMPTS 

• Where in my life am I trying to control an outcome instead of meeting what is actually here?
• What am I afraid would happen if I truly let go in one area of my life?
• Where is life asking me to trust instead of force?
• What does “support” actually look like for me right now—am I allowing it?
• If I knew I could not control the outcome, how would I choose to show up differently this week?

🌒 BEYOND THE VEIL

A Two-Day Immersion into Death, Devotion & Conscious Living

July 25–26

Beyond the Veil Festival is not a typical gathering—it is a guided passage into that space.

A two-day immersive experience devoted to exploring death not as something to fear, but as a powerful teacher for how to live. 

Transcript

Termites And Life Feeling Unpacked

Money Pressure And Comparison Spiral

Visibility Doubts And Letting Go

Hospital Day And Mortality Lessons

Letting Go Practice Through Spring

Humility Without Self-Erasure

Reclaiming Work And Naming Value

Beyond The Veil Retreat Invitation

Three Truths And Journaling Prompts

Closing Heart Check And Review Ask

SPEAKER_00 0:31

Welcome to the Ode to Joy Podcast, a show where we talk about joy. How do we cultivate it? How do we maintain it? And what are the things that get in the way? I am your host, shamanic practitioner and death duela, Elena Box, coming to you with another very special episode from our season, all about resilience. I hope you enjoy. Did she already say that she already did? How's it going? Just check it in. How are you doing? How does your heart feel in this moment? Check in with yourself. Notice how you feel. We're not going to attach any meaning to it. We're just going to notice how we feel. And thanks so much for asking. How am I doing? I'm doing okay. I am sitting here. I have a cup of chairebus tea. And the sun is shining. Thank goodness. We are in very early spring here. It's March of 2026 here in the Northern Hemisphere in New York, Long Island. And today we're going to be talking all about the illusion of control in parentheses and why it's exhausting you. I always share from the heart. If there's one thing you can count on from me and this show is sharing what's actually really real for me right now. And that is the illusion of control. So, as always, here we are. I am arriving with you. I do not have things packaged neatly today at all. Full disclosure, we woke up to a full-on termite, what do you call that? This morning. We've been vacuuming them. We called the exterminator. It has been wild. So I am not packaged up in a bow. And I just wanted to share something because if I'm feeling this, I have a feeling perhaps you also feel this, which is to say, if you run into anyone, and I mean anyone who comes across as if they have it all figured out, guess what? They don't. Even if you're like, yeah, but I'm pretty sure they got it figured out. I am telling you, there is one area in their life that they do not have it figured out. And we're all human and we're all figuring it out together. So I'm in it right now. I have been sick all week. I was supporting my mom in the hospital this week. She had her second heart surgery of the month, and it went really well. I drove her into New York City and she went in, and it was a full day experience. And wow, what an experience it was spending the entire day with her there. They have this beautiful seventh floor cafe. I was out there looking over the East River, and I was like, great, I'm gonna get so much done here. Because let me tell you something, I have been feeling a lot of pressure lately. And maybe you have been too. So if you have, let me know. It's early spring. And the last few months, we have had so much togetherness as a family. I've been super blessed to have my husband home. And I think I may have shared this on past episodes. Work has been slow for him right now. And he's a playground builder. He is a playground builder. And that means that when there's a ton of snow on the ground, there's not a whole lot of playgrounds being built. And so that directly translates into pressure on my husband, pressure on me. And really, it's putting a magnifying glass on everything that I do, he does, the money that we spend, and everything. I mean, that's that's the pressure cooker of life, really, is making sure that you can make ends meet. And I have been having to take a very close look at how I'm showing up. And so much pressure has been on my shoulders, really about making something happen because I'm thinking, well, if if he's not working and who knows how much more winter we're gonna have, like I gotta put the petals of the metal. And that's all tied up in taking care of the baby every day and taking care of my mom and making sure that we have groceries and food to eat and all of the things. So there's this huge pressure to be seen. There's a huge pressure to really figure it out. And I look at everybody else, and we know compare and despair is not the way to go. But even I, even me, the person speaking to you in your ears, has a I have a tendency. Sometimes I take a look at other people's lives, and of course, it's always the shiny stuff that they show you on their social medias. And I'm thinking, my God, they look like they have it completely figured out. So we're gonna just name that illusion. And so the illusion is if I just do it right, it will work. So in my case, I've really been putting the magnifying glass on my work and my output and my amount of clients and my income and all of these things. And I've been saying to myself this, this, this illusion, which is, you know, if I say it better, if I market it better, if I just figure it out, then the people will come, the money will come, the clarity will come. And, you know, this break that I'm really noticing is that I've already done a lot of the work. So I've already written the book, Grieve Outside the Box. If you haven't already, check it out. I've already held people through grief and death and built an entire body of work. And still people don't know about it. Maybe even you listening to this. This might be the first time you're listening to the podcast. And thank you, by the way. Thanks for joining. The reality is people still don't know about it. And I had this realization real, really recently, where people in my close proximity, people who I have known even for years, had no idea that I'd written a book, that, you know, I have a podcast. And it's a pretty good show. If you've been here for a while, you know it's a pretty good show. And it kind of blew me away because I'm thinking, I feel like I've been putting myself on blast too much. I I don't like being visible all the time. And here I am thinking, my gosh, these people must be sick of me. Well, this lady just please shut up and go to therapy already. And here I am realizing actually people don't know about it. So the question I've been asking myself is it that people don't want what I'm offering, or is it that they just don't know? And underneath all that, and this is where we're gonna tie it back into you, dear listener, is the question. And perhaps you might have this to ask yourself, which is am I willing to let go of controlling the answer? Yeah. It's big. I know. So we're gonna tie it back into my body of work, the death work. I have been sitting, you know, this week with my mom. She was in the hospital, and even leading up to this, it's such a humbling experience when you are with a loved one as they're going through any kind of medical situation, because it really brings you face to face with your own mortality and the body and its failings and the fragility of life and the uncertainty. And so it brings you back to this truth, which is that there is so much that we cannot control. So while my mom was there in surgery, there was so much I just had to let go and say, okay, you know, she's in good hands, and the best I could do was go and get a very sad egg sandwich. And I had to let go of control. So there's so much that we cannot control, and yet we spend our lives trying, trying to control. We're white knuckling it. And really, it brings us to this realization that the same thing that exhausts us in life, which is control, is the thing that makes death harder. I know we're bringing it back to the death subject. If you're here, perhaps you know that this is my favorite subject to speak about. But the truth is, in the end, you cannot control the timing, the outcomes, the body. We have no idea when or how it's going to happen for ourselves, for our loved ones, for anybody. And that's so challenging for us because, gosh, if we could only know, then we could help prepare and all of this and that. We can prepare. That's that's part of the work that I do. So that when it comes, we are as prepared as we can be. But the question really becomes have you practiced letting go? That is the work. The practice is and learning how to let go. And my gosh, if now isn't the time to let go of things, it is spring. So practicing this, and it might be as simple as clearing out your closets and releasing that one item of clothing that you've had sitting on the hanger and it keeps looking at you, you're like, gosh, but it's so stylish and I've spent a lot of money on it and I really should wear it. And it's just taking up space or whatever that is, that thing that's just taking up space and not actually adding to your life. It's the practice of letting go. And I know that that might seem really trivial because it might just be, you know, a jacket or a pair of sh, for me, a pair of really nice shoes that I bought in Paris, actually, two pairs that don't fit anymore because my feet got about a size bigger when I was pregnant. And so this comes back to this next theme that I've been chewing on, which is really about humility. And gosh, I know sometimes it's easier said than done. Because so much of this comes into play when we think about ourselves and our worth and trying to really control what other people think, what other people think of us, and just controlling the entire narrative. And so humility is not about making yourself small or dimming your light, or I guess downplaying your gifts. Instead, it's about releasing the need to orchestrate everything and instead letting your life be lived through you. And so the theme that I keep coming back, this through line, really, the O to Joy podcast, is coming back to what fills me with joy and using all of these practices as a joy, as an athlete of joy, of coming back to that sense of play and knowing that as long as I am within these bounds of what feels good and what feels joyful, and even the things that might feel a little bit sticky, like doing your taxes or going grocery shopping or any of these things that you might feel a natural sense of resistance towards, is noticing in yourself practicing this the art, the art of letting go, which is letting go of tension in your body. So when you feel yourself start to clench up and tense up around really difficult things, is how can you sort of get out of your own way and come back into this opportunity, which is really letting life be lived through you and leading with joy and practicing not having to know and not needing to control, which again, that's why we're talking about it all, is it's a practice. I don't think any single one of us is born with this innate ability. And if you listen, if you, if you're like, yeah, it's never been hard for me, call me, please, please. And so this leads me into really what I've been realizing. And it's about my work, it's about who I am, it's about literally what you're listening to right now. And and it's not that my work isn't valuable. So if you've been having this wrestling with yourself as well in the in the depths of the night, for me, it's about I think people just really don't know about it. And I haven't said it fully. Again, I've been trying to be a little bit too humble. And perhaps instead, it's about, I haven't really fully said it simply, repeated it clearly, and trusted that it's enough. How much in your life are you not trusting that you, your lived experience, your certifications, your degrees, your experience isn't enough. And that somehow people won't trust you or hire you based on all of that. It's big. It's really big. And I think there's this trap that so many of us fall into of, well, I just need to get the next degree and I just need that next certification. If I just have that, to me, I'm not a certification sort of clout chaser type of a person. Like I don't go to a certain teacher or healer or anyone, and I don't really look at their save or their resume and go, well, excuse me, now what was your GPA when you graduated? For me, I notice in anyone whose work I seeking out, it's do how does my nervous system feel when I hear their voice, when I look at their face? What does how does their smile light up my heart? Do I feel at ease around them? How do I feel in my body? These kinds of questions. I am more interested in that. And so I'm really in this moment as a new mother. Am I new anymore if she's over a year old? We'll say it. I'm reclaiming my work. And especially as I gear up for this retreat that's coming up in a couple of months that I'll tell you about. It's called Beyond the Veil, July 25th through 26th. More on this in a moment, uh, is that I'm really reclaiming my work. And that is that I help people face death, support their loved ones, move through grief, and most importantly to reconnect to themselves. And so that's what I do. And we do it through yoga, we do it through breath work, we do it through shamanic journeying, we do it through hands-on healing touch or just energetic touch. And there's so many avenues through which we can work. It's also through your voice and it's through talking and really allowing it all to move through the body and to have those really difficult conversations and also to gear people up with the right tools so that they can do it on their own. It's so important to me in anything that I do that any client knows that they have tools that they can go home with and that is going to feed them and their families and their loved ones for really the rest of their lives. And maybe I just need to keep saying it. So if I sound like a broken record, it's because I'm realizing, you know, I did a post a couple months back, a real of me reading my book, which it's a pretty good book if you ever get a chance. And people commented on it. They were like, congratulations. And I'm sitting here thinking, this book is, it came out in 2022. I feel like I've been talking about it forever. I did an entire season on the podcast about it. And somehow some people are just learning about it. So I hope this is resonating with you. Maybe there's something within your life that you haven't been giving yourself really enough credit for. And the truth is, especially also if you are a mom and a mompreneur and an entrepreneur and you have your own businesses, we have to really be our own cheerleaders. And even if you're not an entrepreneur, even if you're just a human living here on this earth, is we have to give ourselves our own little trophies or our own little, you know, pat yourself on the back, you know, throw yourself a party. You deserve it. You you really do. You know, buy yourself that chocolate cake and that strand of pearls because nobody else is gonna do it for you. I mean, maybe if you have a loved one, they're like, you deserve it, sweetheart. You know, listen, I have a wonderful husband. He does treat me well. And at the same time, sometimes we have to give ourselves some credit. And so I really want to hear from you. I am so curious as I'm going through this process of refining my voice and not really the voice, the voice is the voice. Either you like it or you don't, which if you're still here, hopefully you like it. I'm really curious as far as how I am serving up this work. Is this something that you're interested in? Is this something you need? Are you supporting aging parents? Are you navigating illness? Or are you also thinking about death, maybe avoiding it at all costs? Because if you are, this is the work. This is what I'm here to do. And so in these next few months, whether you like it or not, we're gonna be talking all about death and dying as we gear up for this retreat. I'm super, super pumped. If you are in New York, and even if you're not, come, come travel, travel to us. We will be in upstate New York for the Beyond the Veil retreat, which will be July 25th through 26th. And all of the details are gonna be in the show notes. So it's an overnight retreat, and I will be leading a workshop called The Art of Dying, as well as supporting many other really wonderful workshops. And it's really part of a larger gathering that's gonna be exploring death, transformation, the unseen, of course, really due to the topic. And in the workshop that I'll be teaching, we're gonna be going into how to support your loved one or yourself through their dying experience, what actually happens, how to prepare emotionally, spiritually, and practically. So, more details are in the show notes. I'm gonna be talking about it a lot. And we are gonna have the co-facilitators on the show in the next couple of months as we gear up for the retreats. So if you're interested, go check it out. I'll keep on talking about it and keep on talking about it and keep on talking about it. And I can't control whether you do or you don't come. But we're coming back to the theme to round out the show. So the illusion of control. Again, I can talk about it all I want, and I can I can think that it's all this, this, this, this, but I can't really control how it's all gonna land for you. So the illusion of control says, I need to figure everything out. But what if, my friend, your job is to show up, tell the truth, and serve the people who are ready. Boom, boom, boom, boom. I know. I know. I'm gonna literally write that one down and put it, put it on my mirror so that first thing in the morning I see it. So we're coming to the three Elena truths, which is number one, you are not exhausted from doing too much, you're exhausted from trying to control too much. Number two, the work is not to master life, but to meet it as it unfolds. Number three, the way you practice letting go now is the way you will meet death later. Big one, big one, big one. How you live is how you will die. We're gonna be talking about it a lot and over and over again. Here are your journaling prompts for this week. Have you been doing your homework? If you haven't, that's okay. I don't really believe in homework, which is why I never did it. But these are fun. These are like, you know, a little treat for dessert, you know, when you're having your cup of tea at the end of the night. This is what you can do. Choose one, maybe one every night of the week. We got a couple here to throw for you. Number one, where in my life am I trying to control an outcome instead of meeting what is actually here? Number two, what am I afraid would happen if I truly let go in one area of my life? Big. Number three, what is life asking me to trust instead of force? Number four, what does support actually look like for me right now? Am I allowing it? Number five, if I knew I could not control the outcome, how would I choose to show up differently this week? That one I really like. That one. That one I'm gonna have a good time journaling about. So let's close it out, my friend. How's your heart? Check in. How's it doing? Is it cute? I'm giving you a little hug from over here. I just wanted to check in and let you know that maybe the work isn't controlling your life. Maybe the work is learning how to meet it. And what a joy. And what a joy it is that we get to do this together. And we get to be messy about it, and we get to learn hard lessons. So here I am, raw and vulnerable as a fellow human, surrounded by little termites. I've vacuumed up a lot of them, but there's one currently crawling across my desk. Thank goodness we have the exterminator coming on Monday. What a joy it is to be alive. I'll talk to you again very soon. This has been another episode of the Ode to Joy podcast. It is my sincere joy to bring you these episodes every week. And listen, if you feel called, it would mean so much. If you could go ahead and, you know, drop us a review, maybe throw us a couple of stars. If there are five of them, even better. And just sending you so much love. I'll talk to you again very soon.