What You're Actually Avoiding Feeling

You can feel “fine” on the outside and still be white-knuckling your way through life. That’s the quiet tension Elena Box is unpacking as Ode to Joy shifts into a new season on the art of letting go, a practice she also calls “practicing death while fully alive.”

We talk about why resilience isn’t only about staying strong. Sometimes strength is releasing what was never yours to control in the first place. From Elena’s work as a shamanic practitioner and death doula, a pattern keeps repeating: the things we struggle to let go of at the end of life are often the same things we cling to every day in relationships, motherhood, identity, and the stories we tell about who we’re supposed to be. That’s where the real work begins, not with willpower, but with honesty.

Then we get practical. Control isn’t the problem, it’s the strategy. So what are you protecting yourself from feeling? Elena names the emotional roots beneath avoidance grief, uncertainty, powerlessness, rejection, shame, loneliness and not being chosen and shares a vulnerable story about returning to acting through a community theater audition. The twist is the takeaway: the goal isn’t to be chosen, it’s to choose joy. You’ll also learn a simple 30-second nervous system friendly practice to help you pause, name what you feel, and stay with it long enough for your life to open back up.

If this resonates, subscribe, share the episode with a friend who’s been holding it all together, and leave a review so more people can find the show. What feeling are you most resistant to experiencing right now?

✨ THREE ELENA TRUTHS

• You are not avoiding your life—you are avoiding a feeling within it
• Control is not your problem—it is your protection
• The way you practice feeling now is the way you will meet life later

📝 JOURNALING PROMPTS

• What feeling am I most resistant to experiencing right now?
• When that feeling starts to arise, what do I do instead?
• What am I afraid would happen if I fully felt it?
• Where in my body do I notice this feeling?
• What would it look like to stay with it for just 30 seconds longer?

Transcript

Elena Box 0:00

Welcome to the Ode to Joy Podcast, a show where we talk about joy. How do we cultivate it? How do we maintain it? And what are the things that get in the way? I am your host, shamanic practitioner and death duela, Elena Box, coming to you with another very special episode from our season, all about resilience. I hope you enjoy.

Welcome And Season Theme

Elena Box 0:36

This is your friend and host, Elena Box, coming to you with guess what? A brand new season. And I hear you, I hear you sitting there going, hey, hang on a second. Last week we were checking all about resilience and control and all these things. And the whole season was all about resilience. And well, we're making a shift. So if you've been listening to the last few episodes, you know we've been talking a lot about resilience. It's such a juicy topic. And we've been talking all about what it means to stay steady

Resilience Becomes Letting Go

Elena Box 1:08

in the midst of life, to actually keep showing up and to keep choosing joy even when things feel uncertain. And, you know, the more I've been sitting with that, the more I realize something. Resilience is not just about holding on, it's also about knowing how to let go. Because at a certain point, the strength is not gripping, it's not in, you know, gripping tighter. I always say kind of like white knuckling things. That's not strength. It's in releasing what was never ours to control in the first place. So we talked a little bit about this last week. And this season, we're shifting. We are moving into something a little bit deeper, a little more intimate, and maybe zing, zing, zing, a little more uncomfortable. So this season is about the art of letting go, or what I might even call it is practicing death while fully alive. Now hold on, hold on. Don't press the pause button. Stay with me here because we're gonna be talking about it all season long. Oh, yeah. So listen, in my work as a shamanic practitioner and a death duela, I sit with people at the end of their lives. And what becomes really clear very, very quickly is this the things that we struggle to let go of at the end are the same things we struggled to let go of while we were living. So a lot of people in the death trade, as Stephen Jenkinson say, people die, you die how you lived. And so this season we're gonna explore it and we'll be doing solo episodes, conversations, and a little bit of experimentation and play. And we're gonna be actually looking at what it means to let go, not just at the end of life when we're kicking the bucket, but in motherhood, in relationships, in identity, in control, and maybe most importantly in the stories we tell ourselves about who we are. So you might hear some new things this season, different voices, different perspectives, and maybe even a few unexpected characters popping in. Have you heard the Tabitha Crane episode where Tabitha Crane interviewed me? Yeah, we're bringing in a little bit more of that play because I want this to feel less like a lecture and more like an experience. So I want to begin here because before we can let go, we have to understand why we're holding on so tightly in the first place. And most of the time, it has nothing to do with control. And it has everything to do with what we're

Control As Emotional Protection

Elena Box 3:46

trying not to feel. Huge, huge, huge, huge, huge. So last week we talked about control and how exhausting it is to try to manage outcomes, people, and life itself. But this week I want to talk about why we do that because control isn't the problem. Control is the strategy. So the real question is what are you protecting yourself from feeling? Okay. So here's the truth. I'm gonna give it to you straight. You're not avoiding tasks, you're avoiding feelings. You're not too busy, you're just buffered. You're not bad at letting go, you're protecting yourself. Avoidance is not laziness, it's protection. Huge. It's a huge reframe. So let's name it because language, as we know, it gives us power. And most of us are avoiding, we're avoiding what we're avoiding, actually falls into a few core emotional experiences. So we're gonna name it right now because I don't know about you, but have you ever seen those little charts of emotion? Super helpful because it's so great to put language to how we're actually feeling. So most of what we're avoiding, like I said, it falls into these core emotional experiences. Here we go. I feel like Brene Brown. I love Brene. Do you too? Let's get into it. It's grief. Yeah, ding, ding, ding. It's uncertainty, powerlessness, rejection, shame. Hello, Brene Brown, loneliness, not being chosen, and not being in control of life or death. That's a big one. If you've ever had panic attacks before, you know how it is. And so, really, underneath so much of it is grief. Like when we really get back down to the base level of all of these feelings, it's

Naming The Feelings Under Avoidance

Elena Box 5:40

grief. It's grief for what didn't happen, for what might happen. It's grief for who we thought we would be, and grief for what we cannot control. So we're gonna bring it down to the personal level. Guys, I had my friend, listen to me. I had a very edgy experience last night. I signed up to audition for the local community theater one act play. They're doing eight one acts. And if you're new to the show, just to give you a little bit of background information, yes, I'm a shamanic practitioner, yes, I'm a death doula and a yoga teacher and all of these things. And initially, really, like what's at my core? I am an artist. Once an artist, always an artist. I'm a real thespian. And if you couldn't

An Audition Story About Shame

Elena Box 6:25

tell by listening, I actually have a BFA in acting. I am a trained actress and I love it. It really is at the core of who I am. Now, if you're new to my story, just a quick share. I finished my BFA, graduated, started performing stand-up comedy in the city, and then my father was diagnosed with brain cancer. I quickly went through this huge shift where suddenly I didn't want to be on the stage telling jokes. And suddenly I really wanted to be in deep introspection. I went through a huge spiritual awakening. And so so much of my performance career has been on the back burner, on the side burner. I always, yeah, it's it's always there. Once an artist, always an artist. And at the same time, I have not auditioned and put myself in front of people to be, it's that that all of those things coming back up to be judged. And it's such a vulnerable, vulnerable thing to do as a performer, is to literally put yourself in front of people and present yourself. And so what was coming up for me, even just putting together a resume, was confronting. Because, you know, maybe maybe you're a mom and perhaps you've taken some time off from working and you and you have to put the resume back together again. You go, well, what do I do with this huge gap? And I had this huge moment where I just had to go, listen, I I have to be honest about what's who I am, what happened. And I can't, you know, so much shame came up around, well, why haven't you? And, you know, there's this whole story of who I thought I would be by now, and that whole life that was really set out in front of me, and I went in a different direction. And I'm I'm so grateful to be back in this place. And at the same time, all of those things came up. So at first, I thought I was just feeling anxious. I was just feeling nervous about that prospect of being judged. And when I actually slowed it down and reflected on it and let myself feel what it was, it was those feelings, those, those, one of those core emotional experiences of not being chosen, of rejection, of shame. And I was an act, I did all of my acting training before the Me Too movement, which, if you know, you know, it was a very toxic place for young women. I was told I would never work until I was 40, which, hey, maybe they were right. But at the time, when you're 18, 21, whatever, it's devastating. I was told that I wouldn't work if I didn't have the body of Claire Danes, which at the time, I mean, she's still a phenomenal actress, but she, you know, she was this very stick-thin uh woman. We were really, you know, I would had a raging eating disorder for years and years and years. So I remember feeling so absolutely frozen in anxiety in the past when it came to being judged in this kind of a way. And so it was very confronting to be up against this again. And at first, I started to spiral back into those anxieties and back into those, well, what will I wear? And will I look good enough? And will I da-da-da-da? And again, when I actually slowed it down, what I landed on was actually realizing, you know what, I'm I'm really proud of who I am. And I'm proud of how I look. I'm proud of my body. And what's most important to me in this moment, regardless of the outcome, regardless of whether or not I get a role, which if I don't, okay, I will handle it. You know, but regardless of all of that, is how can I tune back into joy? If you listened on this last season, it was all about becoming athletes of joy and building that resilience. And so when I walked into the audition last night, my main guide was let's have some fun. And how can we tune back into play? And treating it really as an opportunity to perform and have a good time with the text that was put in front of me. And that's what I did. It was one of the most fun auditioning experiences that I ever had. And I'm so glad that I gave myself that permission to slow down and feel all of those feelings and go back to my young adult woman's self and say to her, I love you so much and I'm so sorry that that you went through that. And here I am now as a 36-year-old mother, here to say, let's have some fun, because the outcome is not what's most important. It's how we feel about ourselves and my capacity to return to joy. Huge. Huge, huge, huge. So we're gonna talk about the cost of avoidance, which is when we don't allow ourselves to feel, right? Like if I didn't take that moment to pause and and and be in it, right? We don't just avoid pain, we avoid our lives. We stay stuck, we stay disconnected, we stay in those spirals and we keep trying to control things that were never ours to control. The feeling you won't feel becomes the life you won't

Choosing Play Over Being Chosen

Elena Box 11:47

live. So here's the practice. It's simple, it's not easy, but it's simple. We're gonna do it here together. Practice, name it, stay with it. Practice, name it, stay with it. Number one, we're just gonna pause, take a deep breath and ask yourself, what am I feeling right now? And be specific. It doesn't have to be bad, but perhaps name it. Maybe it's grief, fear, shame. Name it, give it a name, and you're gonna stay with it. For the next 30 seconds, you're

Practice Name It Stay With It

Elena Box 12:19

just gonna stay with naming that feeling. Remember to breathe. And as you go for these 30 seconds,

The Cost Of Avoidance

Elena Box 12:27

just notice what happens in your body. You don't need to fix the feeling, you don't need to understand it, you just need to feel it. It's huge, it's a beautiful practice and try it. The next time something comes up for you, we're gonna practice, we're gonna name it, and we are going to feel it. And then, of course, that brings us to this episode's Three Helena Truths. Are you ready? Here's the first one. You are not avoiding your life, you're avoiding a feeling within it. Here's the second one. Control is not your problem, it is your protection. And finally, the way you practice feeling now is the way you will meet life later. So those are the three Elena truths from

Three Elena Truths

Elena Box 13:17

the episode. Please, if it feels right for you, let these be an anchor for the rest of your week. I will be sharing them online on social media at Elena Box on Instagram. And it's just a great touchstone. So, with all of this work, it's important to find practical ways of bringing it in and bringing it into practice. So, specifically with the practice that I shared, see how it goes this week. And I'm really eager, honestly, to hear how it lands for you as we're doing this together. And this has been really a fantastic practice for me. And I feel like it's such, I don't know how else to describe it other than a really mature approach and practice that I think anyone can use at any age, really. And so try it out. And please send me a message, give me a call, however way you get in touch, and I'd love to know how it's landing for you. And to just know that I'm along on this ride with you. So, as always, I come back to what I shared in the last episode, which is that if you ever come across anyone

Journal Prompts And Closing

Elena Box 14:30

who claims to have it all figured out, run, run, run in the other direction because it's so important to really view everyone as a teacher, yes, and also not to put any other person necessarily on a pedestal because at the end of the day, it's you with you. And so everything that I share, please take it or leave it. It's completely up to you. You are your own guru. Never forget. And that, my friend, brings us to this week's journaling paranormal. You know it wouldn't be an episode of mine if I didn't give you a little bit of homework. Are you ready? Remember, these are in the show notes. So, as always, you can think about it. Maybe you pause the episode and you just have a little ponder, you know, stare out the window and answer it for yourself. Maybe you pull out your journal, maybe you jot down a couple ideas, do one a day, maybe again. Everything that I offer is something that is meant to be practical and simple. Here we go. Are we ready? Are we ready? Are we ready? Here we go. Number one, what feeling am I most resistant to experiencing right now? Ooh, give it a name, give it a name, name it. Number two, when that feeling starts to arise, what do I do instead? Like what's your go-to? Do I turn on Netflix? Do I open Instagram? You know, do I grab a little snack or something? Number three, what am I afraid would happen if I fully felt it? Ooh, yeah, baby, that's a big one. And the next one. Where in my body do I notice this feeling? This is huge. All of these things live within the body, track it, notice it, breathe into it. And lastly, what would it look like to stay with it for just 30 seconds longer? We're practicing. We're practicing. And so we're gonna close it out. And as always, it's been such a pleasure to go on this journey with you. I hope it's been, I hope it's been as fun for you as it's been for me. So I just want to remind you, every time you allow yourself to feel something fully, a version of you dies. The one who needed to avoid it, the one who needed to control it, and the one who believed they couldn't handle it. And what's left is something more true, more present, and more alive. And and this, this is where we begin this season. What a joy it is to be alive. I'm so happy to be on this journey with you. This has been another episode of the Ode to Joy Podcast. This has been another episode of the Ode to Joy Podcast. It is my sincere joy to bring you these episodes every week. And listen, if you feel called, it would mean so much. If you could go ahead and, you know, drop us a review, maybe throw us a couple of stars. If there are five of them, even better. And just sending you so much love. I'll talk to you again very soon.