The Doctrinal Speculation Pushing Teens Out of The Church - A Latter-day Saint Perspective

There’s a growing idea among some Latter-day Saints that the Church’s doctrine on eternal families might one day change to accommodate same-sex relationships. 

How does this well-intentioned message actually cause more harm than good?

In this episode of Sit Down with Sky, I explore how “maybe one day” language—though often motivated by compassion—can lead to confusion, spiritual paralysis, and emotional distress for sexual minorities in the Church. 

Instead of guessing about future changes, what if we leaned into clarity, confidence, and covenantal living right now?

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Transcript

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Hey audio listener, this is the audio only from a YouTube series that I'm doing Sit Down with Sky Finding truth in LGBTQ conversations. You can find the full video on YouTube linked in the description below. There's a surefire way to ensure that more teens who experience same sex attraction leave the church altogether. And it might not be what you are expecting. In my humble opinion, if we want to push more latter day Saints sexual minorities out of the church, the best way to do that is to entertain the idea that the church's doctrine of eternal families will change. My name is Sky and I am a latter day Saint who experiences same sex attraction. My goal with this series is to find faithful approaches to LGBTQ issues and a faith context. Let's get into it. This is an emotionally charged issue with a lot of ideas on how to approach it. And aside from a few bad actors, I really believe most latter day Saints are doing their best to help these individuals in a Christlike way. Unfortunately, some church members recognize the struggle faced by same sex attracted latter day Saints. Then, in an attempt to sympathize with these brothers and sisters, they start promulgating what I call maybe one day language. Instead of instilling confidence in the revealed truths about eternal marriage. They pontificate on what they see as some possible alternatives. Sometimes it's more overt, claiming that the church will one day perform same sex sealings in the temple. Other times it's a little bit more subtle, just hinting at the idea of doctrinal change with sort of vague or flowery language. And at an emotional level, I can fully understand why Latter-Day Saints do this with nearly any other struggle. It's actually helpful to use Hope to encourage someone who is struggling with something. But why am I this specific type of hope, in this instance, be counterproductive? Imagine you're seeing a therapist to get help with some severe social anxiety that you've been experiencing During your appointment, you and your therapist come up with a really detailed plan to combat your social anxiety, and you leave feeling hopeful and confident in the plan that is laid out so well. You trust the plan and you feel eager to see its fruits. the next morning, you wake up with a text from your therapist. it says something like, you know, I read last night on Facebook that the plan that we came up with might not actually be the best in your situation. Just keep following it as best you can, but I might actually end up completely altering it at some point. Now, in that moment, would you feel less or more confident in the plan? Would you feel more or less anxious about the future? Would you feel more or less hopeful about your capacity to be successful? Would you want to stay with that therapist? Or maybe would you want to find other options? Now let's apply this to the experience of same sex attraction within a faith context, whether well-intentioned or not. When we entertain the idea that the doctrine on the family may change, making room for same sex unions or gender transition, we erode confidence in the doctrine. We communicate the idea that the doctrine isn't founded on irrevocable, eternal principles, but it's actually just a fleeting social policy that will eventually be changed to conform to modern public sentiment as a result of this uncertainty. I have seen many latter day Saints sexual minorities develop what I would call religious paralysis. They're too connected to their faith to abandon it, but there are too uncertain about the details of the path to move forward with any sort of confidence. And I think that there are few things more unsettling in life than existing in this sort of spiritual limbo. Holding beliefs and failing to align our lives with those beliefs is a really tense place to be. President Irene expressed some thoughts on a related idea. He said, keeping the Lord's commandments requires more than obedience. We are to love God with all our heart, mind, mind, and soul. Those who do not love him do not keep his commandments, and so they will not have the gifts of peace in this life and in the world to come. when our actions don't align with our deeply held beliefs, we feel a level of instability in our lives. We feel anxious. latter day Saints historian Steve Harper recently went on the podcast Let's Get Real with Stephen Jones, and talking about this same sort of principle within the context of Joseph Smith's life. This is what he said. When our beliefs and our behavior do not match, we feel awful. We feel dissonance or tension. There's all kinds of names for it, but We don't like it when what we believe in the true principles, we believe, are in conflict with our our actual selves. Yeah. Humans will tolerate it at a high level for a short period of time, or humans will tolerate at a low level for a long period of time. Right? But none of us will tolerate this awful dissonance inside the this the the the disharmony between belief and behavior. We will bring it close enough that we can live with it. And the way to do that is to repent. That's the prescribed way. Repent. And the other way to do it is to rationalize I don't have anything to repent of. I, you know, I did this for these justifiable reasons and is perfectly fine and I don't need to feel bad. And often this can be, a reason why we find ourselves distancing ourselves from the church. when latter day Saints sexual minorities are wrestling with how to align their actions with their beliefs, they are bound to encounter the idea that in order to live authentically, you must pursue the life course typically associated with same sex attraction. That being a same sex relationship. And like I mentioned earlier, as an attempt to alleviate the dissonance between our doctrine and that life path. Some church members entertain the idea that doctrine is inevitable to change. I didn't grow up with this type of doctrinal uncertainty as a common talking point, but I can't imagine just how debilitating that would have been. I knew pretty early on that I wanted a wife and a family of my own, But if this was a common sentiment in the church at that time, I'm not sure that I could have put aside the temptation to pursue men, especially given my immature understanding of the gospel at that time. It's a type of dangling carrot, taunting Latter-Day Saints sexual minorities with competing outcomes until they are uncertain about what path to take. so what can we do? I think each situation is going to be different, but I do believe there are universal principles that apply to everyone here. There's a popular quote by Elder Boyd Kay Packer that goes like this. True doctrine understood changes, attitudes and behavior. So in other words, the more we seek to truly understand the truths of their short gospel, the more we'll want to change our behavior to align with those truths. I'm not a gospel scholar. But from an early age, my parents instilled within me the goodness of the gospel, especially through their examples. Later in life, my mission in Oregon opened up my mind to a deeper understanding of the doctrine as I studied it more seriously. Those two things, paired with a series of spiritual experiences, convinced me that God is real, that this is his church, and the doctrine was founded on eternal and all terrible truths. With that as my foundation, no one had to twist my arm to remain in the church and pursue a life course in line with the doctrine. the more I learned the truth of the gospel, and the more I had experiences with God's love, the more I wanted to live in a way that allowed me unfettered access to that love and the broader, eternal insights the gospel offers. For me, this meant an eternal marriage to my amazing wife, Amanda. But that might not be the path for every sexual minority who is wanting to remain committed to the gospel because of the vast diversity and human experience. There will be differences and how each of us live up to our covenants. The important thing is we make those covenants and strive to keep them. The best way to do that is by truly understanding the doctrine. And I don't just mean understanding the doctrine on paper because it's so relevant to their experience. Many latter day Saints sexual minorities become experts on the rules side of the doctrine. Many of them could probably quote the family proclamation verbatim, or clearly lay out the do's and don'ts of the gospel. I think it takes a little bit more than that. It takes true understanding through years of living and experiencing the blessings of the doctrine firsthand. It's a really modern idea to want to know whether or not something is true or worth while, simply by studying it as a truth claim to either confirm or debunk. We want to know the gospel is true, and then we want to live it, and then experience the benefits, all in that order. The reality is the exact opposite. If we want to know whether or not a principle is true, we must first live it and then experience the fruits. And then we come to know that it's true. there's another part of that Elder Packer quote that doesn't get quite as much fanfare. A few sentences later, he continues with preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel, Thoughts affect our feelings which affect our actions. The more we're preoccupied with something, the more likely we are to pursue that thing. If a latter day Saints sexual minority is inundated with the idea that the doctrine on the family will change, It's understandable for them to stew over that idea. The more that they stew over it, the more likely they'll be to pattern their lives off of that assumption. Elder Bednar, shared a story in a talk he gave back in 2016. He was meeting with a friend, John, at the hospital. John had cancer and was undergoing treatment for it. and John asked Elder Bednar for a priesthood blessing. This was Elder Brenner's response. I responded that I would gladly give such a blessing, but I first needed to ask some questions. I then posed questions I had not planned to ask and had never previously considered. John, do you have the faith not to be healed? If it is the will of our Heavenly Father that you are transferred by death in your youth to the spirit world to continue your ministry. Do you have the faith to submit to his will and not be healed? When we put our faith and trust in a particular outcome rather than in Christ, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. Commandments don't come with a specific blessing and a defined timeline. The purpose of living the gospel isn't to prove ourselves worthy enough to receive our particular blessing we think we deserve. We make and keep covenants in order to grow closer to our Savior. Understand his character, pattern our lives after him and His father, and then slowly but surely become more and more like them. Until we receive all that the father hath. Nowhere in that path is the promise of specific blessings within a specific time frame. But what is in that path is the promise of all that the father hath. Entertaining the idea that eternal principles, such as the structure of eternal families, is destined to change. Rob's latter day Saints sexual minorities of their eternal progression. It convinces them to hold tight, existing in limbo, waiting for a particular outcome that isn't coming. If we want to empower these saints to truly thrive in the gospel, What I think we should do, as with all of our brothers and sisters, is to seek understanding in their situation and teach the doctrine clearly, lovingly and thoroughly, and then watch as their lives are transformed. If you enjoyed this video, consider sharing it with someone that you think would benefit from its message. If you want to support my effort to post these more regularly, you can subscribe to the channel.