Episode 17: Why Most Parenting Advice Backfires for Gifted & 2e Kids with Dr. Danika Maddocks

If you’ve ever gotten parenting advice that just didn’t seem to fit your child, this conversation is for you.

In this episode of the Exceptional Girls Podcast, I’m joined by Dr. Danika Maddocks.

Dr. Maddocks is a psychologist, gifted and twice-exceptional parent coach, and founder of The Gifted Learning Lab. She helps parents move beyond standard parenting advice to create a family life that truly works for their unique child.

Her approach is grounded in the neurodiversity paradigm and informed by more than 15 years of work with gifted and twice-exceptional families—as an educator, therapist, researcher, and consultant—as well as her own lived experience as a twice-exceptional individual and parent.

In this conversation, Dr. Maddocks explains why traditional parenting advice often backfires for neurodivergent kids—and shares approaches that are more effective.

She talks about what’s really going on beneath behaviors that can look defiant or overwhelming, why autonomy matters so much for our kids, and how a more collaborative approach can shift the dynamic between you and your child.

If you’re in the thick of a hard season as a parent, my hope is that this episode helps you feel less alone, more confident in your instincts, and more hopeful about what’s ahead.

About Dr. Danika Maddocks:

Dr. Danika Maddocks is a psychologist, gifted/2e parent coach, and owner of The Gifted Learning Lab. She helps parents let go of standard parenting pressures and build a unique family life that actually works for their kid and themselves. Her approach is rooted in the neurodiversity paradigm and informed by over 15 years of supporting gifted/2e families as an educator, therapist, researcher, and consultant, as well as her personal experiences of growing up gifted, recognizing her own twice-exceptionality, and raising a young twice exceptional kid. To learn more about Dr. Maddocks, visit: www.giftedlearninglab.com

About the Exceptional Girls Podcast:

If you know and care deeply about a girl who learns, thinks, and experiences the world differently, I invite you to journey with me as we learn how we as parents, adults, and role models can help her understand, self-advocate, accept, and love herself — just as she is. To learn more, visit www.exceptionalgirlspodcast.com.

Transcript

Episode 17: Why Most Parenting Advice Backfires for Gifted and 2e Kids with Dr. Danika Maddocks

This transcript of the episode has been lightly edited for clarity and readability.

Julie Withrow (Host):
You're listening to the Exceptional Girls Podcast, and I'm your host, Julie Withrow. As a mom who raised a twice-exceptional daughter, I know both the joys and the challenges of parenting a child who thinks, learns, and experiences the world differently. I also know how lonely it can feel—and how long it can take to get answers.

I created this podcast to increase awareness, understanding, and acceptance of female neurodivergence. In doing so, I hope to smooth the path for other families. Please join me for expert interviews and candid conversations about giftedness, ADHD, autism, dyslexia, and more.

Let’s learn together how we can make sure our exceptional girls feel seen, supported, and celebrated.

If typical parenting advice doesn’t fit your child, you’re not alone

If you’ve ever gotten parenting advice that just didn’t seem to fit your child, this conversation is for you.

In this episode, I’m joined by Dr. Danika Maddocks.

Dr. Maddocks is a psychologist, gifted and twice-exceptional parent coach, and founder of The Gifted Learning Lab. She helps parents move beyond standard parenting advice to create a family life that truly works for their unique child.

Her approach is grounded in the neurodiversity paradigm and informed by more than 15 years of work with gifted and twice-exceptional families—as an educator, therapist, researcher, and consultant—as well as her own lived experience as a twice-exceptional individual and parent.

In this conversation, Dr. Maddocks explains why traditional parenting advice often backfires for neurodivergent kids—and shares approaches that are more effective.

She talks about what’s really going on beneath behaviors that can look defiant or overwhelming, why autonomy matters so much for our kids, and how a more collaborative approach can shift the dynamic between you and your child.

If you’re in the thick of a hard season as a parent, my hope is that this episode helps you feel less alone, more confident in your instincts, and more hopeful about what’s ahead.

When parenting advice doesn’t match your child

Julie Withrow:
I suspect many of our listeners have had moments where the advice they’ve been given—by well-meaning family or friends—just doesn’t seem to be working.

I remember a very specific example of this when my child, Remy, was in Montessori school and had transitioned into the lower elementary classroom. That’s when it really became clear that Remy wasn’t thriving.

They were in the nurse’s office every other day—sometimes every day. I was getting frequent calls from the school saying Remy wasn’t in class and was with the nurse instead.

I worked 35 miles away, and I was trying to figure out how to manage the situation. It was really stressful. 

Everyone was telling me, “Remy is just looking for attention. Don’t indulge it. Tell them to send Remy back to class and just pick them up at the end of the day.”

But that didn’t sit right with me.

I really felt like it wasn’t just attention-seeking—that something more was going on. And I suspect we have listeners right now who are experiencing something similar, where the advice they’re getting doesn’t feel right or doesn’t match what they believe their child needs.

So I’d love to hear from you—what are some of the early signs that a parent might be dealing with that kind of mismatch?

Trusting your instincts as a parent

Dr. Danika Maddocks:
That gut feeling you described is actually one of the best early signs.

So many parents I work with have that same sense—something just doesn’t feel quite right. They may hesitate to follow the advice they’re given, or they try it and it just feels off.

We’re often taught to defer to experts and to disconnect from our own discomfort. That instinct can even get pathologized as anxiety. But for many parents, it’s actually a really important signal.

You know your child better than anyone. You are the expert on your child—and your child is the expert on themselves.

The problem with “consistency” when parenting gifted and 2e kids

Julie Withrow:
What are some of the most common pieces of parenting advice that tend to backfire?

Dr. Danika Maddocks:
One of the biggest is the idea that parents need to be consistent—that consistency is key.

That message shows up everywhere, from reward-and-punishment systems to more gentle parenting approaches. Parents are often told that once they set a boundary, they need to stick to it no matter what.

But that idea can create a lot of unnecessary stress and conflict—especially with neurodivergent kids.

It assumes that kids are consistent from moment to moment or day to day. But many neurodivergent kids experience significant fluctuations in their capacity.

A child might be able to do something one day and not the next. Or they may have the energy in the morning but be completely overwhelmed by evening.

When we apply rigid consistency in those situations, it often creates more distress than it solves.

Instead, I encourage parents to focus on attunement, which just means being responsive to what your child needs in the moment.

What’s really behind challenging behavior

Julie Withrow:
Let’s talk about those moments when behavior feels especially intense or out of proportion.

Dr. Danika Maddocks:
I come from the assumption—and I think the research supports this—that there’s always a valid root cause.

What looks like an overreaction to us often makes perfect sense from the child’s perspective.

For example, sensory sensitivities can make something like socks or food textures incredibly distressing. Even if it seems minor to us, it can feel overwhelming to them.

When we can acknowledge that—“I see this is really hard for you”—it can be incredibly regulating for the child.

Over time, kids who are constantly told they’re overreacting may begin to feel ashamed or believe something is wrong with them.

So even though it can be difficult in the moment, validating their experience can be deeply healing.

Why autonomy is important for neurodivergent kids

Julie Withrow:
You also talk about autonomy. Why is that so important?

Dr. Danika Maddocks:
Autonomy is a basic human need tied to motivation and well-being.

For gifted and twice-exceptional kids, that need is often even stronger.

They may:

• see more efficient ways of doing things
• struggle with systems that don’t fit them
• feel constrained by arbitrary rules

So they naturally seek more control.

Autonomy doesn’t mean independence; it means having choice, flexibility, and the ability to opt out of things that are overwhelming.

Understanding PDA  (pathological demand avoidance)

Julie Withrow:
This discussion of autonomy also relates to PDA. This is a relatively new condition or difference that is increasingly discussed, but may not be as well understood. Can you talk about PDA?

Dr. Danika Maddocks:
Yes, so a lot of PDAers prefer the term “pervasive drive for autonomy” or “persistent drive for autonomy” vs. pathological demand avoidance. The knowledge about PDA is still developing. But as people hear about the framework, more of them are speaking up about their lived experience as PDAers and of raising kids who fit the PDA profile. 

The two key things are a strong need for autonomy—freedom in how they choose to lead their lives or do things—and a strong resistance to feeling controlled. You can see it come up in all kinds of ways throughout the day. Some kids will fight or scream or yell. Some will run away or just shut down. Some will fawn and people please as a way to feel safe or in control. 

This need for autonomy gets so pathologized in our society because we generally don't want to give kids a lot of autonomy. We just want them to follow what adults say. But I find it lovely and very liberating to attune with that and to validate it. It's such a different approach to parenting to be like, “I'm not the one in charge just because I say so.” Yet, it can be really helpful to have a more collaborative relationship with a kid who has a strong need for autonomy.

Rethinking the parent-child relationship

Julie Withrow:

Yes. I mean, it really challenges the traditional hierarchical relationship that I think a lot of people were raised with. That's probably difficult for many parents to put into practice. Can you share some examples or paint a picture of what it looks like when this is working well, when parents do have this different type of relationship with their kids?

Dr. Danika Maddocks:

It really looks more like a collaborative partnership where each person has needs and desires about things that are going to happen in the family or in their life. The adult may still have ideas in mind around certain boundaries like, I'm going to help my kids stay safe or I'm going to help my kid care for their body. 

But instead of parents being the ultimate authority, they instead work with their child to find solutions that meet everyone’s needs. There’s often a lot of unlearning and letting go of typical pressures and “shoulds.” Instead, it’s about tuning in to what works for their child instead.

That might mean:

• flexible routines
• rethinking screen time rules
• prioritizing regulation over control

There’s not as much empirical research about it yet. But I think it's really helpful for all parents of gifted kids to learn about PDA and PDA-informed approaches. Because so many gifted kids have traits that are similar to PDAers, I also find that many gifted kids benefit from that PDA-informed parenting approach.

What’s possible when you listen to your gifted or twice-exceptional child

Julie Withrow:

Well, I think it makes a lot of sense. And you’ve said some things along the way that I think are worth emphasizing. Back at the beginning, you said you're the expert on your child, and your child is the expert on themselves. I think that bears repeating because we are not trained as parents to really believe that our kids know themselves and not only can we trust our instincts about what our kids need, but we can listen to our kids when they tell us what they need.

Dr. Danika Maddocks:

Yes. Gifted PDAers in my experience are amazing at saying what they need. But often it’s things that we have been taught to discount or not listen to. Kids will say, "This is so upsetting. The only thing that would help right now is if I had a piece of candy or if I could have 15 minutes of screen time.” But we're taught to respond that you can’t let your kid cope that way. That’s not good. That’s not healthy. That’s bad. But actually that can be really helpful to that kid in that moment. Plus, a lot of adults cope that way.

Julie Withrow:

Yes, and to share another example, when Remy was moving from elementary school to middle school, that's when the wheels really came off. Remy said to me, “I would be so much happier if you would just homeschool me.” And I was like, “What? Homeschool you? No. I have a full-time job. I have a career. There’s no way I can do that. I don’t have the time. I don’t have the patience for it.” There were a million reasons why I couldn’t do it. I couldn't believe that could be a possibility for a lot of reasons. And the people around me were also saying things like, "Oh, Remy’s just trying to manipulate you because they don’t want to go to school.” 

Then finally, in seventh grade, when things got bad enough that Remy was so dysregulated that they could barely sleep, could barely make it to school, I listened. I withdrew Remy from school, and we homeschooled. And Remy became a different kid. Well, they slept for about 10 days and then they were a different kid.

They became the kid who loved to learn again, like autodidactic, all the things and Remy turned a corner and Remy will tell you, in fact, I'm pretty sure Remy said it in an earlier episode, that was a turning point in our relationship because I finally listened.

Dr. Danika Maddocks:

Yeah, that's huge.

Julie Withrow:

This is one of those stories that I think parents like us need to hear because I resisted and I resisted and I resisted. Even after I made the decision, my family was like, “What? What are you doing?” I had to stand firm in my ground, which took a lot of personal resolve and strength to do that. But I knew in my gut it was the right thing because I saw the changes happen so quickly. And it really reinforces what you said. Remy knew what they needed and they were telling me what they needed. I just wasn't listening.

Dr. Danika Maddocks:

Yes. A really common example is kids letting their parents know school’s not working. That's a really tricky one when you have a gifted kid, because then a lot of parents feel the pressure of their child needing an education, needing to be challenged, needing to go to this particular school. But a lot of times our kids have great personal insight. They know this is not a healthy setting for me or this is not giving me what I need. I'd be so much happier if I were at home learning on my own. 

I’ll acknowledge not every family can change schools or pull their kids out. But even just listening to your kid and validating their feelings. Just this idea of being a team together is huge.

Finding hope in hard seasons

Julie Withrow:
This feels like a natural place to conclude. The biggest takeaway I’d love listeners to have from this conversation—and I think you would, too—is learning to trust your intuition as a parent. It helps to have support, and that’s what I hope this podcast begins to provide. 

I usually ask my guests the same closing question along the lines of, “What’s one piece of advice you’d want parents to take away from this conversation?” But I want to change it up a little bit today.

Remy was home from college last week for spring break. They’re 20 now, and it’s so gratifying to see them thriving. But that wasn’t always a given.

The story I shared earlier is really relevant, because there was a time when I didn’t know if we were even going to make it through high school. They were in a very dysregulated place mentally and emotionally, and it was a really dark time.

Now, to see them where they are today, with their whole future ahead of them, is incredibly rewarding. But I don’t forget where we came from.

I have the benefit of hindsight now, and I can see that the journey was full of both ups and downs. But I still remember those very low points when I was really concerned about my child and questioning myself as a parent.

And I know there are people listening right now who are in that place.

So my question for you is this: for parents who are in that really hard season, what’s one thing you wish they could hold onto that might give them hope or perspective?

Dr. Danika Maddocks:
It’s so hard to choose just one thing.

What comes to mind first is something I talk about a lot in my work with parents, which is really at the heart of the neurodiversity paradigm: there is no one right or best way to be a human.

Our society tends to promote this idea that there’s a narrow band of acceptable behavior and outcomes, and that if you fall outside of that, something is wrong. That creates a lot of distress, both for kids and for parents.

But I truly believe there is nothing wrong with your child.

They may be struggling, they may be suffering—but they are not broken.

What they need is support in figuring out how to be themselves in a way that works for them, and for that to be accepted and trusted by the adults in their life.

There are so many different ways to learn, to eat, to dress, to move through the world. When we can let go of the idea that there’s only one “right” way, it can relieve a lot of pressure for both parents and kids.

And the other thing I’ll add is how powerful it can be for parents to find community.

So many parents I work with tell me how healing it is just to hear that other families are going through similar things. Things that can otherwise feel isolating or confusing suddenly become normalized.

They realize, “Oh, this isn’t just my child. Or this isn’t just happening in our family.”

And that can reduce so much fear and shame.

So if you’re feeling alone, I really encourage you to find resources like NAMI, a parent group, or other spaces where you feel understood.

That connection can make such a difference, both emotionally and practically.

Julie Withrow:
That’s such great advice.

Parenting a gifted or twice-exceptional child can be incredibly lonely, especially before you’ve found your people. So I’m really glad you mentioned that.

And thank you again for being here. I know this conversation is going to be really meaningful for someone listening today.

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