Amy Miles-Finding Out You're an Abortion Survivor

Amy Miles was adopted as a premature infant.

After she was married and held her babies in her arms she wondered if she could
find her birth mother so she could thank her for giving her up for adoption.

Things didn't turn out as planned.

What she found out rocked her world.

Survivor's network
Melissa Ohden Survived an Attempt on her Life

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Find me on my website: jan-johnson.com

Transcript

[00:04] Jan: Hello, friends, and welcome to episode 53 of Women of the Northwest, where I interview ordinary women leading extraordinary lives. I'm your host, Jan Johnson. Today's guest is Amy Miles. Let's listen in to her unique story.

[00:27] Amy: But one of the things I always thought about was my birth mother and what she looked like and what the experience of giving somebody up for adoption would have been like for her. So when I held Eli for the first time, I thought, I really want to find her.

[00:49] Jan: Welcome, Amy Miles. Glad to have you here today.

[00:52] Amy: Thank you. Thank you for having me.

[00:55] Jan: I have known you since you were a tiny little baby. Gosh, even going with your mom, trying to go to fertility doctors and wanting a baby so bad, it was just everybody was pretty excited when you came along. You've lived in Astoria for all of your life, really.

[01:20] Amy: About five years where I lived in the Hillsborough Area school, but other than.

[01:25] Jan: That, Astoria, living on a farm. And let's see, you married and have a couple of kids. How old are your kids?

[01:33] Amy: I do. Eli is twelve and Emily is ten, and so I'm kind of venturing into the preteen years. Pretty fun. Every day is different.

[01:47] Jan: It's not the truth, but they are pretty sweet kids. Pretty sweet kids. I wish I could have had them in classes when I was teaching there. You're doing a good job.

[01:57] Amy: Thank you. I try.

[01:59] Jan: So, you had a story that I heard that at one point you were looking at your kids and how much you loved them and that led to something. Tell me about that.

[02:12] Amy: Yeah, so when I held Eli, really for the first time in the hospital, I just loved him so much and I was very thankful to have him with me and have him be and be able to be his mom and give birth to him. I'm adopted and I was born in 1980, and I was adopted to a lovely couple, my mom and dad, who are amazing, and they are and have been my biggest fans ever since I was little. But one of the things I always thought about was my birth mother and what she looked like and what the experience of giving somebody up for adoption would have been like for her. So, when I held Eli for the first time, I thought I would really want to find her. And I quickly got busy being a first time parent and life went on. And then in 2012, I had my daughter and I held her in the hospital room and I thought the very same thing. Gosh, I really want to find my birth mother because in my mind I saw her as a very strong and courageous young lady who wasn't ready to be a mom yet and had chosen adoption for me, and I was very thankful for that. Well, fast forward a few more years of parenting and crazy little baby life. I had met a woman at my work, and we were new to meeting each other, and she had told me that she had given her first child up for adoption, and she was really glad that she had, and it had been hard for her, but they had developed a really nice and special relationship. And I thought that day, wow, I really need to do this. I really need to find her. And I went to my mom and dad's house after work that day, and I wanted to tell them what I was up to, because I'm always up to something. And I said, hey, mom and dad, I just want to let you know I'm interested in trying to find my birth mother. But before I started, I wanted to let you know what I was up to. And their reaction was very different than I had anticipated. They've always been willing to answer questions that I had about my birth mother, but this was a little bit different. Dad kind of came in the room and walked right back out, and my mom was at a loss of words and was kind of like, oh, well, can I think about that? And, do you want a journal about this? And little did she know that that's kind of a trigger for me, because whenever I was dealing with anything as a child, she would always want me to journal about it. And I was kind of like, no, Mom, I already know what I want to do. I don't want to journal about this. So I went home thinking, well, that was strange. The very next morning was a day off of work for me, and anybody who knows me knows that I'm not a morning person. So, my mom showed up at my house at, I don't know, 730 or 08:00 with two Starbucks drinks in hand.

[05:11] Jan: That was a trigger. There was something else.

[05:13] Amy: Yeah, I definitely knew something was up. And I remember thinking, I don't know what's going on, but she's got something to tell me, and I don't know what it is, but go ahead. Come on in, mom. And that was when she told me that my birth mother had gone into the hospital to have an abortion procedure. And it was started, and I was born alive. That was why I was born early. I don't think I mentioned that I have an adult with cerebral palsy, but I've had cerebral palsy ever since I was little, and I knew that. And I knew I was adopted. I just didn't know that was part of my story, that abortion was part of my story and my birth mothers.

[05:59] Jan: So what was that like for you to take in?

[06:05] Amy: It was overwhelming. I can only it was one of those moments where time stand still, and I felt like the ground was going out from underneath me. I remember her talking, and I was trying to process, and I felt like everything was spinning in bits and pieces at the same time. I'm a believer, so I lean on my faith a lot. I remember asking God, is this really true? Please, can this not be true? Because it was very different than the story that I had made up in my own mind.

[06:42] Jan: So, yeah, where do you go with that? That's a lot of questions about how there was somebody that really didn't want me and was it they didn't want me, or did they just not want to be pregnant? So, there's that too. And a lot to process.

[07:04] Amy: Yeah. I was a jumble of feelings for a really long time. I'd love to say just for weeks or months, but it was really more like a couple of years. And I have a very patient husband who sat with me through it all, and I had a lot of grief. I grieved that my story was different. I grieved for the millions of babies that didn't get a chance to have life, and I did. I didn't quite understand that. I don't know.

[07:37] Jan: It's almost like a survivor's guilt.

[07:39] Amy: Yeah. I don't know if I'll ever fully understand that, but I grieved for women just feeling like that is their only choice. I grieved for women in that situation. Just a lot of grief. I would spend a lot of time crying at night, to be honest.

[08:03] Jan: Yeah. And how wonderful that you have a supportive husband, because he wouldn't really understand what you were going through either.

[08:11] Amy: No, he was very patient, and he he was the one that actually I got connected with a network of other survivors of abortions. Even though our stories aren't exactly the same, they all experience has survived an abortion from the birth mothers. And that was really life changing for me. It took me a while to get there, but Jason was the one that said, hey, I know of this place where you can go, and I know this is your thing, but if you want to, there's others out there like you.

[08:48] Jan: Had that ever even occurred to you?

[08:50] Amy: No. I kind of had to process what an abortion survivor was and what that really meant and wasn't really a thing. And in the back of my mind constantly was this message of, who wants to hear this? Like, who wants to hear this story? It was hard enough growing up with a disability and trying to figure out how I fit into life like that, but then to add another layer to it, I was like, who do I talk to about this? It's not exactly something I can call my girlfriends up and say, hey, right. Hotel coffee, by the way. Right. So, I felt really alone and kind of like an alien for a while. And then late at night when everybody else was sleeping, when I was Googling this, I was Googling abortion and survivors.

[09:40] Jan: So, when you Googled, what did you find out?

[09:43] Amy: I found out that there were, in fact, survivors with similar stories to my own. The first two that I read into were Gianna Jessen and Melissa Odin, who are really well known survivors. Gianna Jessen also has cerebral palsy, same type, and she has some of the same similarities there. And so I think that really drew me in. I've got some medical background a little bit, just being an occupational therapist, and I thought so I was kind of intrigued by that. And I reached out and I came Alyssa Odin, and she emailed me back, and she has a network called the Abortion Survivors Network. And I was pretty amazed that there was more than just one or two or three. I believe the network has over 600 survivors now that they're in contact with. And I never imagined that I would.

[10:42] Jan: You found your people.

[10:43] Amy: Yeah. I never imagined I would have friends in other states, let alone countries. So that's been pretty nice to do life alongside them and lift each other up when we're having a hard time of things or just dealing with what it means to be a survivor or something like that. So it's been really special for me, and I'm thankful that my husband urged me to look into that because I really didn't think it was going to amount to anything.

[11:14] Jan: I'm sure you didn't even begin to know the scope of how that could be a help.

[11:20] Amy: Yeah, it's been life changing for me. Yeah.

[11:24] Jan: And where has that led you?

[11:26] Amy: I've been able to well, first I went through some healing. There's a healing program that they have. And then I also went through a speaker's training for anybody who wants to put together their story. And so that took several months. And then I shared my story for the first time in Texas in 2021.

[11:47] Jan: That must have been a little scary.

[11:49] Amy: It was. I'm not a speaker. I'm not one to stand up in front of the crowd. I'm pretty shy and quiet, actually, in real life. But then I also did some sharing of my story in Washington, DC. And then I just got back from Kansas City from an event there, so I'm getting more used to standing up in front of crowded rooms and sharing my story with people.

[12:15] Jan: Well, and it's not just I mean, it's enough to stand in front of people and do anything, let alone to be in a vulnerable position. Telling your story puts you in a real vulnerable position.

[12:28] Amy: It does. I hope I can bring people hope and truth. That's my goal.

[12:34] Jan: What kind of things do people ask you?

[12:37] Amy: Well, to be honest with you, I think sometimes it takes a while for them to process, just like it did for me. I think the thing I've heard the most as well, there's how many did you say there were? And these things happen, so I think that that's kind of the first questions I get, and then I often get asked about adoption, and I'm happy that that's part of my story and thankful that that's part of my story. I've always loved mom and dad. They've always been the greatest, but I don't think I really fully understood the gift of life adoption gives to families. Right? Yeah.

[13:18] Jan: So you went to college to become a therapist?

[13:23] Amy: Yes, an occupational therapist. I grew up in the therapy realm as far as physical therapy, working on my legs, not balanced. So I felt kind of at home in the therapy department, and I thought I wanted to be a physical therapist. And as I went along in school, I job shadowed a few, and they were great. Physical therapists are great. I just thought that there was a piece missing for me, and then somebody introduced me to occupational therapy, and I thought, what is that? That's got the weirdest name ever. And I quickly fell in love with that. And I think the thing that draws me in occupational therapy is we do a lot of analyzing of the person as a whole and what they need to rehabilitate to whatever occupational job that they need or want to do. And so I always knew I wanted to work with kids. I started out in an outpatient clinic, and I loved that. And now I work in schools. I had some kids of my own and needed a schedule that fit around that, so I work in the schools.

[14:26] Jan: What are some specific things that you do with some of your kids?

[14:30] Amy: One of the biggest things that teachers and administrators come to me with questions about is, how do we help kids with holding their pencil and writing? We have so many digital tools nowadays that writing is kind of becoming a little bit more archaic, hopefully not totally obsolete. It's not a standard in Oregon, but it's still expected for kids to show what they know. And so when they struggle with being able to write things down or their answers down or the alphabet, that's usually when I get called in. OTS also look at sensory processing, which has to do with how we take in information from our senses and how we make sense of things. And there's a lot of things that can be overwhelming in the school setting. So if a child has a hurdle that they're working towards, whether it be like ADHD or autism orthopedic or hearing something or other, whatever it is, with all of the sights and sounds and activity going on in the school setting, sometimes that can be a little overwhelming. So my job is to kind of see how we can put in things in place to make kids schools days a little bit better. Yeah.

[15:47] Jan: And you probably enjoy working with parents too.

[15:50] Amy: Yeah, I do. I like the interactions. I just like seeing things be successful for kids. There's a lot on kids plates in school these days, and I just want to help make their days be better.

[16:05] Jan: So you grew up with a disability. What was that like for you growing up?

[16:11] Amy: It was hard. I think Classic County is relatively small in comparison to other counties, so I often felt like I was the only one that was different. So trying to figure out how I fit in and where I fit in, and it's a little overwhelming. I had a sister who was very bright and very smart and caught onto things very quickly. And so I think I also really always wanted to prove that I could do things while you went to college and maybe right.

[16:47] Jan: Even with the challenges of that, what do you think would make it better for kids who have disabilities in schools? How could people become more sensitive to.

[17:00] Amy: I just think of having a general awareness that not everybody learns the same way. Sometimes we need tools, and there's a lot of really neat tools out there that help learning be a little easier for kids so that they can access. And I think just having that general awareness that not everybody needs the same thing, there needs to be different strategies, different tools that we put in place. And just because somebody may not speak clearly or speak in the same way, maybe they access an iPad to get the answers out. It doesn't necessarily mean that they can't grow. Can't grow? Yeah.

[17:44] Jan: You're living on a farm. What kind of animals do you have?

[17:48] Amy: Right now we have five goats, pigs, cats, one dog, chickens. I think that's it at the moment.

[18:00] Jan: You lose track. Right. People say, how many dogs do you have? Well, let me see. I'm counting different fields. And how many are in each one? I think there are nine maybe right now.

[18:13] Amy: My son was asking me about a pony the other day, and I was like, I think we're good.

[18:17] Jan: Yeah, I think maybe we don't need to that might be a no moment, but they probably have shown in four.

[18:24] Amy: H. Yes, they do four h and sell pigs for market. I didn't necessarily like doing four h as a kid, but I appreciate the lessons that it teaches my kids now.

[18:35] Jan: Because you showed pigs in Force, Virginia, I remember, against my kids. Yeah. Even just the idea of washing your pig and trying to groom to do escaping pigs, escaping, chasing after. Yeah. We could do a whole thing on forage good. Right now, your kids, what's your reaction to your news? I'm sure you haven't told them everything.

[19:08] Amy: Yeah. My son is a little older, and he has always been the type that kind of wants to know straight up what things are and what they mean and why. So he knows a little bit more about my story than my daughter, but I think both of them really get the idea that, wow, somebody made a choice that impacted Mom's life. And I think that they know that when an abortion is the deliberate ending of a human life, so they understand that there was a possibility that mom couldn't be here. And I'm not a perfect parent by any means, but I do hope that they look back and I think, wow, mom didn't really understand all that and what it meant and why that's a part of her story. But she did lean on her faith and it was real and she did the best she could. So I hope that that's what they can pull from the last five years.

[20:09] Jan: Yeah. It's hard to know what actually affects our kids and what doesn't. Were you ever able to contact your birth mom?

[20:19] Amy: I did find her name and I have written her some letters. So I'm hoping and praying that that has a positive outcome for both of us, because I care about her, and the care and concern that I have for her I can only say comes from above. So there is that. Yeah.

[20:44] Jan: What's the thing that brings you the most joy?

[20:47] Amy: I love my family, I love life. I love my friends, my new friends, my old friends. I just love being able to help people. And my new found joy is helping others who may have just learned about their story or maybe they've known about it for a long time and are just now seeking support. And I think when you're able to lessen the burden a little bit for somebody, that makes me really happy for you to enjoy.

[21:21] Jan: So I'd like to put a link in the show notes for anything that you've got available for people in case they're in that situation, know someone that's in that situation to where they could go.

[21:34] Amy: Yeah. The network is really striving to reach not just survivors, but the families of survivors. And that includes birth moms and dads.

[21:43] Jan: Yeah. And is it okay to have a contact for you in case somebody wanted to talk to you or no.

[21:51] Amy: Yeah. Well, Amy.

[21:52] Jan: Thank you. This has been pleasure. Nice to have you. Vulnerably share your story with us. Appreciate them.

[22:04] Jan: 17,855 babies have survived an abortion since 1973. Those are the ones they know. About 600 survivors have been connected through Abortion Services Network. The mission is to create a world where the incidence of failed abortions and the lives of survivors is openly discussed and accepted, and survivors and their families are supported and healed. If you or someone you know is a survivor, there is help and hope@abortionsurvivors.org. You can find the link in the show notes found under this podcast or on my website@janjohnson.com. Access to transcripts is also available there. If you'd like to share this or other episodes, tap the three dots to the right of the title. An option for sharing is there. Did you know that if you sign up for my newsletter, you'll receive a free copy of my book Sound of Her Heart. Just go to Janjohnson.com. Thanks again for spending time with me and my guest. I hope to see you next time.