POLITENESS IS KEY TO A LASTING LOVE

It was Dr. John Gottman that said that one of the first things to go in marriage is politeness. Increasing comfort is natural in relationships but often leads to partners taking each other for granted. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 1:31

It was John Gottman that said one of the first things to go in a marriage is politeness. So I think that what he meant by that is that sometimes whenever you are with someone, especially in marriage, there's a certain level of comfort that comes along with being with that person. And with that comfort, sometimes it could be a good thing, and sometimes it could be a not so good thing because of the fact that with comfort comes complacency at times. And complacency would mean that a lot of the intention, a lot of the consideration, and a lot of the that care and concern of the even the my most minute things with your partner might slowly start fading away because of that that comfort. Because building the relationship with that person does not stop after, you know, day one or year one or year two of the marriage. It it continues every single day as you guys are together. And part of trying to do better at that is just recognizing that every day you get up, every day you see that person, what are you doing to like really move the relationship forward or that connection forward with that person? Like, are you asking that person every day how their day is? Are you putting down your phone and actually paying attention to what that person's actually saying? Are you cutting off the TV and when you guys are sitting down and you are you are you truly focusing on the person whenever you guys are having these interactions? And if you're not doing that, that's kind of that complacency there, right? Like that's kind of that's kind of the the taking for granted part of the this conversation because over time that whole idea it gets worse because it turns into misunderstandings, right? And the misunderstandings come from lack of information based on how you guys interact, right? So if you notice that every time you try to talk to your partner, or every other time you try to talk to your partner, um, they may be distracted by something else, might be working on something, they may be on their phone and maybe watching TV or whatever the case may be, and they don't stop to actually like focus on what you're saying, they could be missing something, or they could be missing a small detail of what you're saying to them, which means that whenever you guys go back and try to talk about that, maybe later or something like that, that conversation might end up in an argument because of the fact that they missed a portion of that conversation because they were not fully connected with you when you had the first conversation with them. And that's kind of like how a lot of of the disconnect happens with some couples because sometimes we we say these things to our partners, especially initially, we say these things to our partners, and it's not maybe it's not received well, maybe, like I said, maybe they're distracted, maybe it's it's other factors. But as you continue to try to relay that same message, and that message may not be received, or it's it doesn't seem like it's being received, eventually you stop talking, right? Like eventually you you withdraw because of the fact that if you're not being heard, why say anything at all? And that part right there is in detriment it's a detriment to you as the individual, but it's also a detriment to the actual relationship, because your relationship is built on connection, which is a connection that you have between you and your partner, but the only way to actually maintain that connection is through effective, consistent communication and also understanding of what that other person is actually saying, and understanding is actually gonna be different from agreeing, right? Because you can have a lot of understanding for where a person is actually coming from without agreeing with everything that person is actually saying, Because that's not what it that's not what it's about, whatever you two are actually talking, like you and your partner are actually talking. It's not about you agreeing with everything that they're saying, it's about you being present, it's about you being deliberate, about trying to understand where they're coming from, and and and and maybe also validating portions of what you can understand in these conversations, too, because it's important for you to actually like be able to continue a conversation, have a conversation with your partner that that seems fulfilling for both of you. Because that's kind of how the emotional connection in the relationship it grows. That's kind of how you can continue to work on the emotional side of your relationship, right? And those those components of everything that I'm talking about, right? Like, especially with the main premise of this conversation, which is politeness, is something that you shouldn't necessarily take for granted, right? It's something that you should actually just like go back and actually review within yourself to actually ask yourself, hey, a am I taking the other person for granted? Like am I not acknowledging the the even most minute things that they do for me, right? Like am I not saying thank you enough, or am I not doing uh enough small gestures to help that person because they're doing so much for me, right? So hopefully when you do kind of hear this, right? And and just go back and actually think about it, right? Like, if you aren't doing enough from that area, which is the the politeness, the consideration area, now would be a perfect time for you to actually like take those steps, try to do a little bit better at that, talk to your partner about some of the things that you would like to try, some of the things that you would like to do in order to kind of improve those areas of the relationship, so that the relationship and and you both have that opportunity, that space to maybe heal, but also grow and continue to grow that relationship to be better for each other in the future.