MindsetGo iCommunicate Podcast
Welcome to the iCommunicate Podcast where we develop the mindset and provide communication strategies to foster confidence, emotional intelligence, as well as organizational, team, or personal growth. Our progress and improvement is not limited to a training session; it embodies a constant cycle of self-reflection and continued learning on individual and communal levels.
MindsetGo iCommunicate Podcast
ICommunicate Radio Show #96: The Unfair Mindset
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Welcome to iCommunicate on full service radio 830 W C RM. To join the conversation, call 508-871-7000.
SPEAKER_00Good afternoon, everyone. I'm Mark Altman, and this is I Communicate, the Mindset Go radio show. And I gotta tell you, Ted, I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore.
SPEAKER_02Oh, I love that.
SPEAKER_00Not gonna take it anymore. Broadcast news. Not many recognize that reference anymore, I don't think. Do you think?
SPEAKER_02I'm throwing my TV out the window as we speak.
SPEAKER_00Love it. Love it. So listen, you know, uh I I've been thinking so hard about what I want to cover today, and it really had dawned upon me COVID-19, one of the things that it really has done to so many people is it interrupted momentum.
SPEAKER_02You know, a lot of people amazing about interruption, right?
SPEAKER_00So people are feeling good about themselves, whether it's their career, whether it's their career, whether it's their career trajectory, whether it's personal growth, whether it's professional development, but a lot a lot of people have really had that momentum interrupted. And you know, it's really tough. Among everything else, if you out there know someone that has been afflicted with the coronavirus or has died, or frankly has some kind of other serious health ailment that has nothing to do with the COVID-19 for that matter, um the biggest thing that I'm seeing right now is this overwhelming loss of control. You know, we don't know what's gonna happen, we don't know when it's gonna happen. And I gotta tell you, Ted, one of the worst things that I continue to read that I think really in some ways scares people the most is even when we start to see some semblance of normalcy again, a lot of experts are saying it could go back and forth. So, you know, we we return to normal and then we might have to shelter at home again for a few weeks and whatever. So, look, I I know I was talking to a colleague of mine this morning, and he was we were talking about long-term planning. And that that almost seems like a topic we can't even not only think about, but even bother discussing because can you really plan anything in the long term at this point, knowing how things are evolving by the minute? And so this show today is called It's Just Not Fair. It's really about fairness and how we evaluate and judge fairness. And we're gonna tackle this fairness element from a parenting standpoint, from a selfish uh viewpoint, and really from an emotionally intelligent, an emotionally intelligent standpoint. And I have to share a story that just happened that really encapsulizes all of these elements. And it's with my 13-year-old son.
SPEAKER_02Oh boy.
SPEAKER_00So, you know, so many kids are adapting to online learning. So uh I believe it was Taste Thursday, so I believe it was Tuesday morning, I get an email from his teacher, and she says, you know, I need to bring to your attention that I need to consistently redirect your son in online learning. So I get the email, and the first thing I'm thinking to myself is track record and precedent, right? So my son has a track record of this kind of complaint from teachers. Uh-huh. And so I immediately get triggered. And Ted, you know, we talk about emotional intelligence, right?
SPEAKER_02So you and in a sense, you've been waiting for it.
SPEAKER_00That's right. So I get triggered, I pick up the phone, I call his mom, and even though we're divorced, we have a really great relationship, friendly, co-parent relationship. And I said It's a job. It is a job. It is a job. But I said, Jen, here we go again. You know, another situation with Cole. And so I was annoyed, and I decided that because I'm working at home essentially every day now and doing everything virtually, and she's she's a respiratory therapist, so she is a medical provider working a lot of hours. And so I said, he needs to be at my house during the day so I can keep an eye and make sure he's doing the right thing and behaving. Right. So she conveys that information to him. He's annoyed, he feels um, this isn't fair, the teacher's singling me out, you're not being reasonable. Oh, and the you don't trust me. Well, and that wasn't said, but it was clearly Yeah, that's the 13-year-old thing. Right? So um so he's upset. And so then he texts me and says to me, Will you show me the email that the teacher sent? And I said, Absolutely not, because I knew He is definitely your son.
SPEAKER_02Oh my god. I mean that question.
SPEAKER_00Oh my God, Ted. And I knew he wanted to see it so he could start defending his argument. Yeah. And so I said, Listen, Cole, we're gonna the three of us, your mom, myself, and I, we're gonna sit down tomorrow afternoon, this was Tuesday, and we're gonna discuss this. Right. So this is what happens from here, Ted. This was this this is why I have to share this story because whether you're a parent or you're not a parent, this cycle of events, this anatomy of a human reaction so mirrors how we think about things. So he decides to take it upon himself. He's going to email the teacher and express his annoyance and frustration that she came to his parents to essentially tell on him and how he how she should have handled it differently and dealt with him directly, and how he tried to talk to her when they were online and how he was being ignored and he felt disrespected. So he sends this email unbeknownst to me. I then get a text about an hour later saying, Dad, you'd be very proud of me. Now keep in mind, he's angry, and he's still sending me this text saying, Dad, you'd be very proud of me, quote unquote. I just sent an emotionally intelligent email. So I said, Okay, great. I'm proud of you. Can I see it? And he says, Yeah. So he sends it to me. The first two sentences are emotionally intelligent, and the last eight are terrible. And it's basically, you know, you you should have been willing to talk to me, and you were disrespecting me, and you were ignoring all these accusations and everything. So meanwhile, I give him the feedback of the email and I said, Listen, I certainly appreciate and respect the fact that you were trying to be emotional intelligent, but we're going to need to talk about this more. So, anyway, so that's the end of it. So then this is the part of the story that's just so priceless, Ted. So the next day, I get an email from the teacher saying to me, quote unquote, I don't know if you're aware of this, but your son had sent an email, and it prompted me to bring up some other things that are bothering me right now about his behavior. So he totally opens a can of worms he didn't intend to open. She shares some other information. The three of us are sitting down discussing it in that late Wednesday afternoon, yesterday afternoon. And so I tell him, I said, you know, now that we've gone over the first email, let's go over the second email. And he's like, What second email? I go, Oh, well, I got a second email after you emailed the teacher. And Ted, I wish I could have taken a picture right then and there. The look of horror on his face, which read, Boy, did I screw up. Because he knew.
SPEAKER_02He realized he opened the door.
SPEAKER_00Right? So I'm sharing this story. It was funny, but I'm sharing this story because I'm talking to so many people lately about reacting versus responding and emotional intelligence. There you go. And what I did, because I'm very open with him, I actually deconstructed the events that happened with them from with him from the beginning to the end. And this is what I told him. Because I got to tell you, Ted, you've heard me say it on the show before, I am all about accountability. No excuses. Take responsibility for your stuff. And so what I said to Cole was, I said, you know, Cole, I need to take responsibility. I I failed at something here. And what I failed at is when I first got that email from the teacher, I didn't give you the benefit of the doubt. I assumed the worst. And not only did I assume the worst, your mom picked up on my frustration and anger. And then when she conveyed the punishment and her thoughts to you, she was revved up and triggered.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, the game of telephone. It was like, you know, charged, supercharged.
SPEAKER_00Exactly. And so so then that set off this whole chain of events. And so I said, you know, part of this whole thing is understanding that everybody's actions influence other actions. And so my getting triggered and frustrated, his mom getting impacted by that, him getting impacted by that, the teacher then in turn getting impacted by that because he sent an email. And the biggest lesson beyond the obvious Ted I gave him was as he's continued to say he was singled out and so on and so forth, and it wasn't fair, is I said, you know, Cole, I'm a huge advocate of advocating for yourself and defending yourself and standing your ground and making your point and being able to actually feel emotions. The problem is, is we all want to be heard, and you're unlikely to be heard when you're accusatory or critical. You're much more likely to be heard when you start with, I can, and I actually typed out this sentence for him so he could see it, Ted. When you start with, instead of you ignored me, you're not respecting me, you would start with, dear Mrs. XX. I'm not going to say the teacher's name on the air, dear Mrs. XX, I can only imagine how difficult it is to be doing virtual learning and managing 30 students on the at the same time and having one student be disruptive and how that could throw you off and stress you out and so on and so forth. I can only imagine how difficult that would be. And I just wish I had the opportunity to have talked to you about this before my parents got involved. And I said, Cole, if you had put that sentence. So different. Messages heard so differently. And he got it. In his credit, he acknowledged it, he knew who owned it. But Ted, to me, that was truly the anatomy of reaction, response, and emotional intelligence.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I was very lucky as a young man because I have a speech impediment that the nuns taught me how to think before I'd speak. Because if I didn't think about what I was going to say, it would come out with all sorts of lisps, let's say. One thing that lasted with me is one nun said, Ted, come here, let me show you something. And she opened this book and showed me Niagara Falls and how as the water falls, it has cut different channels in the wall. But that's what you, Ted, when you run off at the mouth. And I never forgot that. You know, there's a huge nun with the big habit on thing. That's what you do, Ted, when you run off at the mouth. And I just learned at that moment. I better just think before I speak.
SPEAKER_00Well, I think here's the thing. I think sometimes people get confused about emotions. Yeah. You know, I I the message I always try to give to people is you don't have to pa apologize for feeling emotions. You don't have to apologize for being angry, upset, disappointed, frustrated, uh, fair feeling life is unjust and unfair. What you have to be responsible for is how you convey and express those emotions. And so that's the real challenge. And so so many people get in these situations where they get frustrated and triggered and they just want to vent and they just want to tell everybody what's on their mind.
SPEAKER_02Right, right. And that's the child in us to want to release it. Sometimes the the more respected part of our character will restrain from saying anything at all.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and and I and I and the other the other big takeaway from this for our listeners is, and I and I I think we see this more with with kids and and parents, but we do see this a little bit in the workplace with accountability, and that is the difference between an explanation and an excuse. You can explain something, and to me, the biggest difference between an explanation and an excuse is explaining a why or a rationale for something while taking ownership for your role in it and your part in it.
SPEAKER_02Well, that's a great segue to the break. We have to take a break, but when we come back, I want to tell you how you helped me last week when we talked about quotas. Awesome. And how it's important for people now working from home to think about it as their daily quota.
SPEAKER_00Awesome. All right. Well, I'm Mark Altman. This is the i Communicate Radio Show. We'll be back after the break.
SPEAKER_01Now i Communicate continues on full service radio, 830 WCRN. Once again, here's your host, Mark Altman.
SPEAKER_00Okay, welcome back to iCommunicate here on a Thursday afternoon. The sun is really doing its best to kind of peek in here, and it kind of goes in and out. But uh, well, that's great to hear. And Ted, you you got you have me thinking that it's amazing the power of reframing information, right? Because when we think about perspectives and outlooks, just you giving that different perspective and reframing it for her in that way, it all of a sudden becomes, yeah, palatable. That's that makes sense. I can get behind that. But that little reframing of information goes such a long way with people. And and, you know, I I tell you, you know, we're talking about unfairness, and we're going to transition a little bit to the business aspect of this right now, but I wanna I want to really diagnose the concept of unfairness. You know, I want to talk about that if you think about the word unfair, if you actually utter the phrase, this is not fair, what you're really saying is that you've earned or deserved something that has been taken away from you. Right? That you're entitled to this isn't fair. It means you have this sense of reality that you're entitled to something or should get something. In a perceived injustice to say, how come this isn't happening? Now, you know, one of I've got to tell you, Ted, one of my big pet peeves around the term fairness is how people perceive other people's success. You know, you'll talk you'll hear people say, well, they're just lucky, or they were born with a silver spoon in their mouth. Or well, and the and the way I look at this is I I'm really not a huge believer in luck. You know, I I think luck, um, there's a place for it. And and and it it I think there's a component of it in success, but I just believe we create the environments for our success, right? And I and I and it so resonates with my philosophy. And I I think part of this unfairness problem as a mindset is if you believe other people are successful, whatever excuse or rationale you've given that you're attributing to other people's success, it really brings you down because it basically is saying, well, they got there because of this, and then you're subconsciously saying, Well, I can't get there because of this. And it's almost like you're building in excuses when you when you talk about a lack of fairness. And my point here is dwelling on how things aren't fair to you, your family, your friends, your opportunities, it really interferes with your ability to see clearly and create that future or environment for yourself. Got it. So I was thinking about how there's really some really key elements. And one of uh a blog I read yesterday was really funny. It said, if you're not winning, life isn't fair. And I thought, you know that's that's a good one.
SPEAKER_02That's a good one.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I can buy that. And of course, who the hell knows what winning means? Because, as I've always said, the definition of success and winning and growth is so varied by the eye of the beholder and perception and how you define it.
SPEAKER_02Oh my God. Can I give you a little example that's perfect for what you're talking about? About uh a year and a half ago, I was given the opportunity to start a new business with a guy who's got all the money in the world. And I said, you know, it's a great idea, but you know, in three years you're gonna buy this kind of business for pennies on the dollar. So why don't we get together in three years and we'll do it then? And and he looked at me and said, Well, what are you talking about? I mean, why would you want to wait? I said, Well, I want to wait because I don't want to waste your money and have you turn around to me in three years and say, we could have bought this at nickels on the dollar. And but now, in perspective of where we are, can you imagine what it would be like to have started a business less than a year ago or a year and a half ago? Do you know where you'd be today? You'd be in the middle of your business plan, burning the money that you put away for the first three years. So we you never know unless you keep your perspective open. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you know, um I saw I saw an image in social media the other day with it was like a cracked window, and saying and basically the the analogy was, you know, we're all flawed, we're all cracked, so to speak, but you know, cracks let the light in.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Right? And and and and it made all the sense in the world. And so I wanted you to think about something for a second. I'm gonna share kind of a funny thing. You know, I remember, you know, as a guy, you know, you kind of getting your confidence with women in, you know, in high school and college, and I remember What confidence? Well, yeah, you could say that again. But I remember when I got to college, I kind of I went to college in California and I kind of took this mindset where I said to myself, hell, I I'm gonna ask the best looking girl out because what's the worst thing that can happen, right? You know, if they say no, I've I I never really had a chance in the first place, so why the heck not?
SPEAKER_02Always good to start at the top. Right? Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And it's actually the advice I gave my sons, like for confidence, just believe, you know, and whatever, you know, rejection's part of life anyway. My point being is that when we get rejected, so this element of fairness, when we get rejected, we we've created this thought process that it was supposed to happen. So, you know, you were talking about sales a moment ago. So we spend an inordinate amount of time with a sales prospect, and then we don't get that business or we get ghosted, or something like that happens, we feel like, well, that that's that's not fair because look at all the time I invested. Right. And it was almost like we we said to ourselves, hey, if I invest X amount of time, then I'm entitled to get that deal, or I'm entitled to have that good fortune.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_00Which is why, Ted, that I one of the highest level philosophies of mindset go in what I teach is processes and habits over outcomes. Because if you cling on to those wins as you're defining successes, and that's how you build your confidence, in the long run, you won't be able to sustain it.
SPEAKER_02No, it's it's unsustainable. It's not sustainable.
SPEAKER_00So when we come back for our next segment, we're gonna talk about how unfairness links to you know, you're judged by what you do and not what you think. Trevor Burrus, Jr.
SPEAKER_02Or what you say or what you say actions.
SPEAKER_00And look, one final thought, as I want you to think about this heading into break. You know, when we talk about competition and how life's a competition, we always throw these pacifying lines to people saying, just do the best you can. Just try hard as hard as you can, which is implying you're only in competition with yourself, which is actually good advice, by the way.
SPEAKER_02It is.
SPEAKER_00Right? But the funny thing about platitudes like that is they're they're technically stated to motivate you anyway. But think about this. If competition really didn't matter, we tell people to give up. Like it makes no sense.
SPEAKER_02Right, right. It's when they say it's on automatic that you really gotta work.
SPEAKER_00That's right. That's right. So anyway, when we come back for our next segment, we'll talk about how you're judged by what you do and not what you think. This is Mark Altman for iCommunicate. If you want to call in 508-871-7000, we'll be right back.
SPEAKER_01Now iCommunicate continues on full service radio, 830 WCRM. Once again, here's your host, Mark Hulkman.
SPEAKER_00Welcome back to iCommunicate. Uh, glad you're joining us here on a Thursday afternoon, and hope you're all uh being good to yourself and uh staying compassionate and empathetic to those around us and uh and are motivated to continue your momentum that may have been lost. Uh, I know I have a caller on the line, Matt. Uh, thanks for joining the show. Appreciate having you along.
SPEAKER_03First of all, first I get a thousand. I love that call. I love the fact that he just treated you like middle management and went straight to the top. Beautiful. I love that. I love that. You know, he's just like a wild book that just needs to be changed. He's got all the resistance. He just needs to be rated just a little bit.
SPEAKER_00Well well, and I gotta tell you, man, I I love your analogy. And I gotta tell you, you know, one of the worst things I've done is I don't know if you'll remember the old TV show Boston Legal, but he's with Captain Cook. Indeed. Indeed. And so we watched a whole lot of episodes, and now he thinks he's Denny Crane. He thinks he's William Shatner now. He wants to make everything in the court of law.
SPEAKER_03So it's a short. This is the problem. I see it every day. I see the people with your success. You know, you're not rich because you're smart, and you know, you're rich because you got lucky. And and we hear that from our politicians, we hear that from our media, we hear that from and it's just it's reinforced because people believe it. And you know, and it's sad. It's it's it's it doesn't help anybody. But there's also you're also from the other side, there's a vested interest in the victim mentality. Well, you know, keep going, keep going. No, I just I I see them as the investing, you know, especially from the political side. There's a there's a very there's a you know, there's it's a very potent cocktail to sell somebody that they're a victim and that you alone are the one that can help them.
SPEAKER_00Well, so Matt, you know, I want to give you just Matt, I don't ever get into politics. It's too dangerous, but I just want to I just want to share um to build on what you're talking about. Um, you know, one of the things I think we look at when fairness in society is pay scales. And a lot of us will talk about how teachers are are underpaid. And in here's here's what it comes down to, just to reinforce what you're saying. I look at a janitor as opposed to a ruthless stockbroker. Okay? So, you know, how hard is it to find a ruthless stockbroker that is gonna make you a ton of money? It's hard, right? Then, and this is the best example of all, let's compare a cancer researcher with a supermodel. And then the supermodel makes way more, a very successful supermodel is gonna make way more than the cancer researcher. And of course, what do we say? Uh, just because of her looks, she wouldn't be able to do anything else. But the fact of the matter is, this equity is determined very simply by supply and demand. When anything in our world, uh a job, an industry, a person has a unique set of skills that is hard to find, whether that's looks, whether that's manipulation, whatever it is, people are going to get paid more for those skills. Now you can be jealous because not you personally, but a person can be jealous because maybe you don't have the same looks or the same background or they who are born with a silver spoon in your mouth. But frankly, the whole key here is about this unfair mindset is to accept the supply and the demand concept. Accept the fact that that's the reality of the world we live in, and frankly, it makes a lot of sense. You personally would pay more for something that is harder to find and unique, but you're the same person who would complain about the cancer researcher model mentality. Does that make sense?
SPEAKER_03Absolutely. And when you confront people with that, they don't have an answer. Uh, you know, the the the world the what I constantly go back to is the world isn't fair. You're right. Maybe uh but then it's who determines fairness? Is there one person all you know all encompassing that should decide what is fair? You know, it's uh fair moves in I can just speak for myself. If you want something, if you could whatever. The most of your life would be good. For example, studying in high school. But that's just how it is. Like there's uh God.
SPEAKER_00No, so Matt, I I actually think that's a tremendous point you're making. And you know, the thing that worries me, I gotta be honest with you, the thing that worries me is even though I agree with virtually everything you just said, when people make expressions or say things like the world isn't fair, it it really taints your thought process. Because even though so much of the world isn't fair, I feel like so many people struggle to be confident, believe in themselves, be motivated. And it's the it's the same thing I've talked about on the show in the past of when people piss you off and you mutter under your breath, people. And and then and then but but when people do nice things for you, you don't mutter under your breath, oh people.
SPEAKER_03Right?
SPEAKER_00So so So this is this is the struggle in but but the the lessons that you were taught of you if you want something, get it. What a tremendous lesson. What a tremendous and and you you hit it right on the head, Matt. Like at a young age, you don't really know all this and what it means. But that is the is that not, Matt, the ultimate message of empowerment? Absolutely. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_03And you know, it's the other thing too is that I think as Americans, we don't understand how good we actually have it. We have it so good that we piss and moan about things that people elsewhere in the world would care to have. You know, we we have we are so brief and so spoiled physically. If you look at the things that we read about, you know, I'm a you know, I'm a few that the fee is made forty million dollars a year. I live in a house, I have a car, I have a cell phone, I have air conditioning, and I have cable which I pay$200 a month for. But life is unfair. Well, I think I think we haven't had such a I think our scale is so off as Americans.
SPEAKER_00Well, well, Matt, I agree with that. And and I'll tell you, to me, there's a couple of points I want to make about that. First of all, I have the I I have this part of a workshop I do on uh communication is I describe five types of personas of people. And one of the personas I describe is what I refer to as a riler. And a riler is the person that you go to for support when you're upset with someone and you say, Can you believe so-and-so did this? Can you believe that? And the person's like, oh my God, you're so right. That's so unacceptable. And what I think happens, Matt, is it's become so fashionable to complain. And and what uh what really bothers me is you hear a lot of people say, I know I should be grateful for this. Or you'll hear people say, after something bad will happen, someone there, someone that they, whether it's a family member or a celebrity or musician or athlete they loved, they'll say, Oh, well, we really have to count our blessings. And when I hear people throw out those casual sentences, I just I just get so upset because for two reasons. One, because I think that's also just fashionable to say something like that after an event, and two, because it's it comes and goes. You know, if someone if I was talking to someone who just had a family member die at a young age unexpectedly, and thought, that's so not fair, if that person said to me, you know, man, I really need to be grateful for myself, I've got to really change some things, and then they said, and here's what I'm gonna do differently, now that I would be fired up about. But without the extension of the platitude of, you know, I should be grateful for this and I'm gonna do things differently, it just feels empty to me.
SPEAKER_03Employees or or people complain or you know, whether whether it's somebody at work or in general, hey, it's not fair, this guy makes X amount of dollars. My my first question is why do you care what somebody else makes? Like, why? Why do you care? But more important that I always ask them is okay, define fair, like in specific terms. Tell me exactly what you think is fair. And if it's somebody else in the workplace that says, okay, you think it's unfair, tell me why tell me exactly what fair would be. And do you think they would agree with that?
SPEAKER_00Well then go ahead, continue, please continue.
SPEAKER_03I find that people don't think that's true. I think they just want to be heard that, hey, it's unfair, but then when you ask them for something, you know, you know, defend your position, then if that that's where you run into the problem, I have no problem. You're okay, hey, this is unfair. Because again, you know, hey, we're doing the same job but you're paying me less. Or whatever. Okay, I can work with that. You know, hey, you you've given me something to look at, something concrete. But if you're just gonna say, hey, this is unfair, well, you know what? It's unfair that there's a line and there's a gazelle. But that's what it is.
SPEAKER_00Matt, Matt, hey, listen, tremendous points. We gotta go to break. Thanks for calling in. Always love when you call into the show and appreciate your insight and viewpoints.
SPEAKER_03One quick thing. You know who knows about winning? Charlie Shoot.
SPEAKER_00Oh boy. All right, on that beautiful note. Uh, this has been the i Communicate Radio Show. We'll be right back.
SPEAKER_01Now, I Communicate continues on full service radio, 830W CRM. Once again, here's your host, Mark Hallman.
SPEAKER_00Welcome back to iCommunicate, our final segment. Again, if you'd like to call in, the number's 508-871-7000. And our final segment, we're going to talk about rules. And the rules are about how rules, we make our own rules, and some of them are imaginary, and some of them are real, but in either case, in many cases, they're irrational. And you know, just one other final thought to what Matt was talking about before the break. You know, when we are grateful for what we have, part of the struggle I think people have in saying it and actually feeling it is it means that you have to discern between what what's kind of normal and what isn't. So for instance, if you say you're grateful for your family, well, right. You know, we're all grateful for our family, right? Like that's kind of one of those throwaway lines that's standard. And so that's the problem. It's believing your own words. Because when you say, I'm grateful for having a place to live, I'm grateful for having a job, I'm grateful for having a family, so many other people like you have those things. So it doesn't feel very special if everybody has it. And that's what I think is one of the reasons that gets it stands in the way. If it doesn't really feel unique to you from your point of view, it's hard to acknowledge. Now, the ultimate piece of uh this whole radio show about unfairness today is our idea of fairness being self-interest. And I often think about the concept of SMART goals, the acronym SMART goals. And one of the reasons I feel so strongly about SMART goals is because it holds you accountable. By having a specific, measurable, attainable, attainable, relevant, and timely goal, you have to know whether you were successful or you weren't. There's no ambiguity. You can't cloud your evaluation or analysis because the facts are on the table. It's a specific SMART goal. And so a lot of us without SMART goals, as an example, when we're evaluating our performance, we tend to evaluate ourselves more negatively than positively and we'll assess it wasn't enough. For business owners that work 60, 70, 80 hour weeks, no matter how hard they work and no matter how many results they generate, they're always going to think they should be doing more or achieving more. And that's an example of what I'm talking about. And so when it comes to fairness, we have this innate sense of right and wrong. And when I was talking about imaginary rules, that's exactly what I meant. We we know what's right, we know what's wrong, and frankly, we expect the world to comply. Whatever our rules are that are imaginary, we say, you know what? And guess what? You know why that is? It's because that's how we're taught from a very young age. Our parents tell us things, our teachers tell us things. Our parents and teachers set up to be motivated by extrinsic motivators from a very young age. You know, do this well, I'll go take you out for ice cream or candy, you know, get good grades and I'll give you an allowance, whatever they are. But we're taught from a very young age that things are very black and white. Do this and this will happen. And that's uh as as you uh mature and grow up in the real world, that's not what that's not true. Now, it can be true if you're a hard worker, or if you're a confident and consistent communicator, or if you're a compassionate and emotionally intelligent leader, um, then your likelihood for success goes up markedly. And your chances of seeing the outcome are much higher. But there's no guarantee. And so part of embracing habits and motivating people to buy into you as a leader and making progress, part of the problem is when they're told to do something, they're expecting an outcome and they're expecting instant gratification. And when that doesn't happen, it doesn't feel fair. Because you told me if I do this, I get this. It's just there's no guarantee. And this is why a lot of times when I train people, I I build that I set that expectation during the training. Because if you're getting people to improve their habits and behaviors, then you need to set that expectation. That if your expectation is forget about that it's going to work instantly, how about this one? You have this imaginary notion of how often it's supposed to work that will justify doing the action. So a lot of people might say, all right, if I say, hey, from a communication intelligence standpoint, you know, this is how I want you to handle when you're dealing with middle management or when you're managing up to the CEO, the C-suite, and you're deciding how you want to handle the situation. So the second you want to express your ideas and thought process to the CEO, and the CEO shuts you down, if your reaction is, well, see, I this is why I didn't bother, because I didn't want to experience the rejection or the failure or the disappointment. Yes, I get that. But the challenge here is do you believe it's the right way to communicate? And if you believe it's the right way to communicate, your actions that are facilitating that communication method aren't dictated by the outcome, by the reaction you get. And the secondary part is if you have at C-suite level, you could have multiple executives, and what happens if you try this communication method with five executives and it works three to the five times? It's 60 percent success. Good. Frankly, baseball players are 30 percent successful and they're famous. So this is what this is all these obstacles and barriers we create to tell us why it's not worth it. We're not going to be successful anyway. It's not fair. We don't get what we want. But this concept of do this and get that is not automatic. But what it is is setting you up for a greater chance of success. And that's the message we have to set, that's the expectation we have to set from people from the get-go. Because you can't control other people. You just can't dictate some look, you could handle something the most perfect, compassionate, empathetic, kind way on the face of the earth, you could get an A, and that person could flip you off and go tell you to take a flying leap. And I want to share a story that I've told before on the show, but this fits in so perfectly to what I'm talking about. And that is if you have a child, and that child, just like I was talking about with my son in the beginning of the show today, if you have a child and that child feels wronged by their teacher, they should have gotten a higher grade on a project, and that child comes home and complains. And you give the benefit of the doubt to that child, and you say, you know what, you should go speak up for yourself and advocate for your teacher kindly, respectfully, and all that stuff. And your your child does, and you're so proud of your child for having the confidence and courage to speak up for what they believe is right. And the teacher hears it and says, Appreciate the words, but I'm not changing your grade. And then the child comes back home and shares that story. You know damn well you would not say to that child, Well, that's the last time you should do that, because what a waste of time that was. You would never say that. You would say, kudos to you for, even though I hate this word, trying. Kudos to you for making the effort. Kudos to you for speaking up for yourself. So if we know that to be true, and again, even if you're not a parent, if you know that to be true, why don't you live it if you're gonna model it for others, live it yourself and get out of this unfair victim mindset. And you know, like Matt said, there are a lot of elements to life that are not fair. And and and we know this, and it's not going to change. But you know something? Now more than ever, during this COVID crisis, we have got to focus on what we can control and not what we can't. Because there is just so damn much we can't control right now. And it comes down to everything, everything comes down to mindset. And you think of the story Ted told early in the show show about the quotas, that was reframing information. So every time you feel the instinct and urge to think you're being wronged and they're not satisfying your moral authority or your innate sense of right and wrong, try to reframe it to really take a look at it and say, you know what? Hey, kudos to that person for accomplishing what they did. I don't know how they did it. I'm not going to assume all the things involved and how they did it, but kudos to that person. And then just worry about yourself. You know? And look, I'm as I I live my life with a focus on emotional intelligence and being a confident communicator every day because frankly, I don't care if you're the janitor, and I don't care if you're uh a C-suite executive for a Fortune 500 company. Life is about the concept of motivating and inspiring people to have the confidence and the ability to do what you're asking them to do. And you know, I I just want to add one final uh thought before we wrap up today. You know, here's what you're judged by in life. You're judged by your ability and the volume of people you can impact. It's pretty simple. If you have a great ability in a certain area or multiple areas and you can impact a lot of speaker a lot of people, you're gonna make a lot of money and have a lot of success. If you can't, you're not. It's pretty cut and dry. And that's why motivational speakers make so much money, isn't it, Ted?
SPEAKER_02You're doing a great job here, my friend. Thank you.
SPEAKER_00So listen, thank you so much for joining us for this for I Communicate Today about the unfairness mindset. You can download these podcasts on Apple, Spotify, SoundCloud. We post them on YouTube. If you want any more information about MindsetGo's coaching, training, speaking, info at mindsetgo.com 978-206-1535. We'll be back next week. Be safe and be well.
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