Back to school means new people, new lessons, and new spaghetti feelings. Whether you are a parent, teacher, or student, what steps can you take to make the new school year a great one? On this week's episode, we're talking to Boundless parent Shandale Fletcher, her seven-year-old son Obi, and Kristen Messer, ELM clinical director, to learn how you can help your loved one overcome anxiety and nervousness to thrive.
Back to school means new people, new lessons, and new spaghetti feelings. Whether you are a parent, teacher, or student, what steps can you take to make the new school year a great one? On this week's episode, we're talking to Boundless parent Shandale Fletcher, her seven-year-old son Obi, and Kristen Messer, ELM clinical director, to learn how you can help your loved one overcome anxiety and nervousness to thrive.
What makes you nervous?
Scott Light:You know what makes me nervous?
Obi:What?
Scott Light:Rollercoasters make me nervous.
Obi:Why?
Scott Light:Well because they're high and fast.
Obi:Well,
Kristen Messer:Do you like your voice?
Obi:Yeah.
Kristen Messer:I can tell.
Obi:These really are fancy microphones.
Scott Light:They fancy so Obi. Before we get started, I just want to tell me about your morning would you have for breakfast today?
Obi:Hash brown. You know what? A hash brown?
Scott Light:Oh, yeah.
Obi:Have you ate them before?
Scott Light:Yeah, I have.
Obi:What do you think of them? I like them.
Scott Light:Here's my question to you. Do you put ketchup on them?
Obi:No.
Scott Light:No.
Obi:I like to eat them plain. What do you like to put ketchup on them?
Scott Light:I do. I kind of like it's kind of like a french fry to me.
Obi:I haven't tried it.
Scott Light:Okay, it's worth trying. It's worth trying. Just think on it. Okay?
Obi:Okay.
Scott Light:We're gonna be having a conversation about back to school. I know. You're really excited about back to school, aren't you?
Obi:Yeah.
Scott Light:What's the best thing about back to school?
Obi:My friends are gonna come back in the fall.
Scott Light:Oh, that's awesome. So that's just kind of how these things go. But it's just a conversation. Okay, so no need to get nervous or anything like that. Okay.
Obi:Okay. It's okay to be nervous on a podcast.
Scott Light:Are you ready to do this podcast Obi?
Obi:I am ready to rock it.
Scott Light:Now. Now we're ready. All right. Now we're ready. Let's do it. You just heard from one of our guests. And can you believe it folks, we are already talking about back to school. It is August. So it's that time. Let me welcome you to Well-Being a podcast brought to you by boundless. Boundless is a nonprofit that provides residential support, autism services, day programs, primary care, doctor services, and much much more to children and adults. Our mission is to build a world that realizes the boundless potential of all people. I'm your host, Scott light. So the voice you just heard right there is Obi. Obi is seven. He is part of the SOAR program here at boundless. His mom is with us here today as well. Shandale Fletcher, also back with us, a veteran of our podcast, Kristen Messer. She is the ELM Clinical Director here at boundless so welcome all. It's good to have you here. Hey, Obi.
Obi:Hey, I got something to say to
Scott Light:Well, go ahead. What do you want to say?
Obi:Welcome back to boundless.com We can always help your kid.
Scott Light:Well, that's like the best promo we could ever have Obi to start the podcast.
Obi:Thank you.
Scott Light:Okay, well, let's come to mom because I want to talk to your mom Shandale back to school time for you. You are a busy busy parent, both you and your husband, Dallas, three kids in the house. Back to school time for you means what?
Shandale:Well for us, I feel like it's a little bit of a it gets easier, but harder. So there's a lot of preparation to do. For sure. Just getting them mentally prepared getting me mentally prepared because they're getting older. But this year will be a little bit different too. As you know, my husband has been a stay at home dad for the last two and a half years. So now we are actually switching roles again. So I will be a stay at home mom as of this Friday, but last two and a half years, it has definitely been a change because I had never actually entered into the workforce. And now I'm kind of going right full on into a mom life again. 24/7. So there's definitely some anxieties there. There's things that has changed with the boys that I have to kind of become accustomed to again. So that's definitely gonna be a challenge this year.
Scott Light:Okay, I'm gonna come back to both boys. We'll talk about both boys because they both come here to the Boundless campus. Well, now let me come to our certified educator here at the table, Kristen, back to school brings with it you know, it's that bundle, right of excitement of nervousness, anxiety, and so much more. How can we as adults, help our kids process all this?
Kristen Messer:Yeah, so when we teach our kids about emotions here at Boundless We call those spaghetti feelings when there's a whole bunch of different emotions at one time in your tummy, and in your body, and you have to kind of figure out how to react to those and I think as we're coming back to school, a lot of our kids have those spaghetti emotions and educators it doesn't ever get you know, easier on the first day of school for any of us. So most importantly I think is to validate those feelings, let them know it's okay to be nervous to be anxious Obi was just talking to us about that earlier how it's okay to be nervous for new things. I think also kind of working through those coping skills with them practicing you know, the first day of school routines we talked about that a lot last year at back to school is getting them ready for school by starting those routines early starting now waking up and starting to get those routines kind of in place and just to be available to hear those concerns and those questions and be able to answer them honestly have a plan. I know with Obi for example when he gets very nervous or scared at school he has a code word that he tells us and we know that at that point he needs to you know go take a break and be removed from the situation and he does it so well without interrupting anyone because we've practiced it so much. So having those kinds of plans with the kids is also really helpful.
Scott Light:So Obi I know that you've you've actually been part of two programs hear ELM and SOAR. Can you tell our listeners about those
Obi:ELM is like a program for little kids? Building R like a program for big kids.
Kristen Messer:What kind of stuff are you going to learn in SOAR with Ms. Aaron's room and in the classrooms? What do you think you're going to be doing in there? What were you doing today? When I got you from Ms. Sarah?
Obi:Big kid stuff.
Kristen Messer:Like what? What does big kid stuff mean?
Obi:Like music on the recorder.
Kristen Messer:What about like math and language?
Obi:One of my friends friends taught me how to speak Spanish. You want to hear it? Shula? A mingle?
Kristen Messer:I was so good. Nice. Yeah. So you learn all kinds of stuff in store, huh?
Obi:Yep.
Kristen Messer:Are you still working on your math facts? What do you do for math?
Obi:Math problems? Some math can be boring. Some can be exciting.
Kristen Messer:What about for language? Are you doing any reading tasks? Right now?
Obi:I'm saying the questions is on the paper. Yeah,
Scott Light:I want to come and talk to your mom just a little bit here, Obi. Shandale, what about expectations? How do you go into a new year, a new school year and, and try to set those expectations but but set them in a in a good healthy way?
Shandale:Yeah, I mean, we definitely all have some expectations for things, and we have a kind of perception of how we think that they're gonna go. I can guarantee they will never go that way. I think the best thing to do is set realistic goals for yourself and for your kids. Especially when you have children on the spectrum. You definitely want to put that bar high, but not like not not obtainable? You know what I'm saying? So I feel like it's, it's a good goal to have. But I would say just be easy on yourself. Be easy on your kids, teach them to be easy on themselves too.
Kristen Messer:That's exactly what the when I was going over the questions we were looking at, that's the big thing that I wrote for this was to make them obtainable. And, to be sure, like Shandale said that, you know, when we aren't meeting those goals, we have a plan. And we're not being too hard on ourselves, because sometimes it takes a while to get to those goals. Or we might have to change those goals a little bit because of unforeseen factors we didn't think about when we were making them. I know a big one for this family specifically was being able to go out more and do things as a family because we had a lot of elopement, a lot of maladaptive behaviors that weren't really working out for a public setting. I remember the first time I walked with Ezra without holding his hand, I thought Shandale was gonna have a heart attack. She was sitting on her front porch giving me that look that she gives like a mom look. But we had worked so hard on doing that here at Campus working, you know, on walking without holding hands, and and it's very controlled environment so that then when we got to home, we were already ready with those. And so we had set this expectation for him to be able to walk without holding hands and to stay with whoever he was walking with. But we started really small. It started with just in the classroom, and then in the building. And you know, when we're looking at any goals, it's very important to kind of build those up that way.
Scott Light:You know what the man or the young man that he is Obi has his hand up and I think wants to say something.
Obi:When did you first start doing podcaster?
Scott Light:Oh, about two years ago? And did you know this is Season Two of the Boundless podcast? We've been doing a bunch of these.
Obi:This is my first time I've done a podcast.
Scott Light:What do you think?
Obi:It's very fun to do a podcast.
Scott Light:What do you think about the microphones and stuff?
Obi:I can hear better.
Scott Light:You like the headphones?
Obi:Yeah.
Scott Light:Yeah. The voice. Your voice is really clear.
Obi:Yeah.
Scott Light:Yeah.
Kristen Messer:You sound like a rock star.
Scott Light:How does your mom sound?
Obi:She sounds just like her but louder.
Scott Light:Yeah, she sounds good. How does? How does Ms. Kristen sound?
Obi:She also sounds good. So as you and me.
Scott Light:Yeah, you sound good. Yeah, you totally sound good. So Kristen, let's let's continue the conversation with I want to talk about a couple of kind of scenarios here and let's wordsmith a little bit I was reading, I was looking at some research, there was a psychologist who was talking about again at the start of school. And he said this, he said, he said, quote, when something is important to you, and the future is uncertain. Worry is normal.
Kristen Messer:Yeah, absolutely.
Scott Light:Let me get your thoughts on something like that. I think it is, too. Yeah, it's just natural, right?
Kristen Messer:It's so healthy. I mean, Obi said earlier, it's so healthy to be nervous or worried when it's your first time to do something, right? We focus on that a lot here when when kids are worried we work a lot on coping skills, and we'll start working on those during stable behavior. So you know, when nothing is going on, and they're not upset, we might work on taking a deep breath because it's so hard when you're feeling those big emotions, like worry to think about oh, I should do as a coping skill or oh, I should do this, where if we practice it when they're in those stable behaviors and everything is calm. It's almost like second nature then to do that when they are worried. So I think the most important thing again, is validating those feelings. It's okay to be worried. It's okay to have all those spaghetti emotions during this time. And if we work on those coping skills and things ahead of time, then it'll be easier to get through those
Scott Light:Shandale, can you talk a little bit about Obi's
Shandale:It's kind of crazy to think about now just because situations. progress here? I mean, we go back in time, not that long ago, he was nonverbal. he's He's very much a talker. But yes, he used to be a semi nonverbal is what I would kind of describe Obi as, whereas his older brother was pretty much nonverbal. But yeah, their progress went from not being able to talk at all to they don't stop talking.
Kristen Messer:We fix them too well.
Shandale:Yes, ma'am. But yeah, it's been amazing, especially with the speech, but also the behaviors. We used to have a lot of aggressive behaviors from our older son Ezra. And now, you know, he's, he's able to be kind of talked down a lot easier. I mean, he has his days where it's a challenge for everyone, including him. But it's been amazing. I don't know where we would be without Boundless and all the amazing people here. That's actually brought our family this far.
Scott Light:And can you pick up on that a little bit more than that, I know that you and Dallas, you work. So there's such an integrated way that you work with the team's plural here at Boundless? And there's training. And there's just a lot that there's a lot of work that you and Dallas and other parents put into all this?
Shandale:Yeah, for sure. I think that the biggest thing is just communication that we've had with the teams. We learn from them, they will find something that works for our son's and then they will let us know. And we implement that at home and in outside settings. And that's brought us very far. We've also taken courses outside of Boundless as well, to help with parenting. But I think that our biggest gains this came from Boundless.
Scott Light:Kristin, can you pick up on that as well talking about that 360 approach?
Kristen Messer:Absolutely. Yeah, so here on campus, we don't just deal with behavior, and we don't just do education, it's a heavy mix of both. And it kind of works off of the kids individual needs. So we are very much a person-centered company. So all of our goals for the kids come from the whole team, the parents are involved in it. We talk about educational and behavioral goals, to help with the kids. And we really bring the parents in on that and and the kids if they're able to Obi, he does a great job of telling us what goals he wants to work on. Especially behaviorally, he'll tell us things that he wants to be able to do. And we kind of set up those objectives for him to get to that point. Same thing with Ezra, and a lot of the kids here are able to really participate in that as well. We have different programs here on campus for our Autism Center, depending on ability levels and age as well. But, you know, if we're in our crisis stabilization unit, we might focus a little bit more on behavior because that's what they need in that moment. And it's kind of a fluid situation. And then they might work more on educational goals once you know we've got those behaviors a little under control and have broken through those barriers a little bit more.
Scott Light:Obi what's a great day here at Boundless.
Obi:I like to do the thing I like to do the fun thing at SOAR. SOAR is the best program
Scott Light:With a new school year coming. Well, I think we can obviously tell Obi is ready. He is excited, he is ready. But what do you do, whether it's a new experience, a new day, new school year, when you do sense that maybe his his anxiety, or maybe there's a little discomfort that's that's bubbling up.
Shandale:Deep breaths definitely work for Obadiah. He is very good with doing his coping skills. Typically, when he gets overwhelmed or is nervous, we will ask him to take a deep breath and pick a coping skill. That could either be what we call tickle rubs, it's kind of like gentle scratches on the back, or he likes pressure sometimes on his arms. So it just depends on what mood he's in, and what will make him feel better at the time. But he's pretty good at communicating what helps them.
Kristen Messer:I will say when Obi first started coping skills were not his jam, he didn't he didn't want to do them. He would say I'm not that upset, I don't have to take deep breaths. And now he can pick them on his own, which is just another huge accomplishment for him. And Ezra also both are pretty good about using their coping skills. So we find things that work for the kids. Not everyone has the same coping skills, or the same ones that they choose, and they get a sheet that they can pick from. And he did a great job right off right off the bat picking them after we learned how to do each one. And we did practice them during those stable behaviors. So it became more second nature to him. And now you really just have to ask him like Shandale said, what coping skill do you want, he's able to do all of them, and pretty much self soothe to calm himself down as long as he has that reminder of pick a coping skill. He's there.
Scott Light:Again, I was reading what this one psychologist said and he said, you know, try to be relatable when you're talking about your own experiences saying something like you know, I can remember a new school year My hands sweating my stomach rumbling those first few days getting to know new teachers, you know, a new routine down the hallway, a new locker combination, whatever it may be, but relatability can be a huge thing.
Kristen Messer:Obi will always ask you Was there ever a time when you felt nervous? As soon as you know, we start talking about whatever emotion it is, was there a time when you felt happy? And so we'll talk about those. And I do try and make it a similar story. You know, if we're talking about school, I try and think of something that would have happened to me in school. The big thing is, I usually wait for him to ask that question. Because sometimes that is not what they need to hear. Sometimes it's too much if you're relatable, and we're trying to just focus on them. And so I think kind of following their lead with that is important, but absolutely that relatability has increased the rapport that Obi and I have together and and all the kids that I have to be able to share, you know those stories together, and he'll remember that and next time he's nervous. He's like, remember, you were nervous when this happened? I'm like, I do remember that. And so we can kind of relate back to those stories later on too.
Scott Light:Does he ask you those same relatability kinds of stories as well with you Shandale.
Shandale:Yeah, yeah, he does. Whether it's he hurt himself. He's like, Have you ever hurt yourself? Mommy, how do you make yourself feel better? Or I'm nervous. Have you ever been nervous? So yeah, he's really good at expressing himself.
Scott Light:It's good. Hey, Obi, we remind our listeners one more time what is great about a new school year, I'm looking forward to being to CES his school. So
Kristen Messer:after he graduates from the SOAR program, his goal that he has made for himself is to go back to the district. And so he knows that SOAR is a step in the right direction to get to go back to their district school right.
Obi:To go to city school.
Kristen Messer:Hey, listen one more time to the question.
Obi:Okay.
Kristen Messer:Why are you excited for SOAR this year?
Obi:Because SOAR is fun. I wonder when the field trips are gonna happen.
Scott Light:You're gonna find out soon enough, I have a feeling I have a feeling you're real close to finding out. Would you come back to the podcast on another time?
Obi:It is fun to be on a podcast.
Scott Light:Okay, and you'll come back.
Kristen Messer:We do this again?
Obi:Sure.
Scott Light:I hope it is a fun interactive and awesome school year for you Obi for everyone. Parents included Shandale I hope it's a good and I don't know about stress free it's not school is never stress free but I hope stress manageable for you. So thank you for for joining the podcast today. Kristen, always good to have you here. Yeah, thank you very much. And to our listeners, thank you as well we couldn't do this without you. You can be a part of episodes to come as well. Email us your questions or comments at podcast at I am boundless dot O R G. This is the Well-Being podcast brought to you by Boundless.